Zoe By My Side- Our Journey with Cushings

[labblab]

My dear Addy, I am still here and watching for your posts every single day. Hoping that each day may end up being a better day for you, but realizing that "better" is just a relative term because "good" probably still feels far, far out of reach.

Grieving comes from the heart, but here's a "head" thought that I want to pass along. Even though the historic discussion of grief has advanced and enlightened with the notion of "stages," lots of people are now thinking that these are not so much stages that we pass through, but instead feelings that keep reappearing and rearranging themselves through time. You are never really "done" with any of them, and don't need to be. They all flow from your loss and are part of one big river. Some days you are strong enough to swim in the river. Other days you can only stick in your toe. There are always cross-currents and whirlpools. But there is also one main channel, and that is the flow that carries you forward, on to the future.

For myself, I do believe this is true. There are still days when my heart wanders back to feeling guilty about Barkis, or angry. But there are other days when I feel peaceful with my memories, and smile. I think all these feelings will always be part of me. But the bad feelings have lost some of their power because I finally know they can pass or shift, like water in a river where the sunshine shimmers on top of the dark currents underneath. The sunshine and the darkness are always both present, but as part of a whole.

May you have a bit of sunshine in your life today, Addy. Even if just for a few moments.

Love, Marianne

[My sweet Ginger]

Oh Marianne, you've written it so beautifully and eloquently and I completely agree.

[addy]

Two faces would stare at me, waiting in anticipation, hardly able to contain their excitement after I asked them to "place" at the end of the long hall. Sit and stay followed place as I turned my back to them, walking down the hall to the foyer. Turning toward those eager little faces I would say "come" and Zoe and Koko would run down the hall as fast as they could for their treat. Sometimes Koko would be so eager he would start down the hall as soon as he saw me preparing to turn. Zoe always waited for the command. We played the game every morning before I would leave for work.

We stopped playing that game the summer Zoe developed all her eye problems. The hall was a slippery wood floor with a carpet runner. I feared she would hurt herself somehow.

Koko and I started playing the game again this week. As he goes to place, I can imagine Zoe sitting there next to him and it warms my heart. I can smile as I visualize Zoe running next to Koko to me. Koko is so delighted to play and he plays it perfectly now.

Memory is the power to be with Zoe every day. Some days then, we swim atop the warm water bathed in sunlight. But still some days, I sink below the surface where those cold dark currents pull me down deep to the bottom and she is not there.

Thank you Marianne for your beautiful words. I have to try to find some sunshine every day for my Koko, even for just a little while. It would be what Zoe would want. She always looked out for him.

love you all

[apollo6]

Posted twice see next posting

[apollo6]

Dear Addy
The journey of grief is always changing. Do not press down the feelings. There are moments of such intense grief ,your pain is unbearable. And then there are moments of happy memories of having this precious little girl in your life. Zoe is there running down the hall with Koko. When you love as hard as we do for these precious little warriors ,it is only natural to fall hard at their lose.
We are here to help you through this your Cushing Family. I am grateful that you are posting. It will help you heal. But know there is no time limit for grief and lose. The lose is always going to be there,but with time it gets a little less. And as Marianne said it is like a river always changing,some days are goods and some are not. Your grief is to fresh now.
Hugs Sonja and Angel Apollo to you, Zoe and Koko

Now is the time to be gentle with yourself.

[Trish]

Hi Addy

Sounds like Koko loves to play, so nice you can enjoy games with him and I am sure that lifts both your spirits even if it is momentarily. Wasn't it you that started us on the thinking of one good thing a day when things were looking down, I think it was but my memory can be dodgy at times Anyway, you have already done with playing with Koko so I will add that

IT'S FRIDAY!!!!!!!!

[addy]

Not only is it Friday but I dont need surgery

[Trish]

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee put your knife away surgeon!!!!

What did they say??

[Trish]

Cancel that last question I just read all about it on Leslie's thread, so more exercises to loosen up that joint. Hope they are not too painful and it comes right! xx

[Tina]

Grieving comes from the heart, but here's a "head" thought that I want to pass along. Even though the historic discussion of grief has advanced and enlightened with the notion of "stages," lots of people are now thinking that these are not so much stages that we pass through, but instead feelings that keep reappearing and rearranging themselves through time. You are never really "done" with any of them, and don't need to be. They all flow from your loss and are part of one big river. Some days you are strong enough to swim in the river. Other days you can only stick in your toe. There are always cross-currents and whirlpools. But there is also one main channel, and that is the flow that carries you forward, on to the future.

For myself, I do believe this is true. There are still days when my heart wanders back to feeling guilty about Barkis, or angry. But there are other days when I feel peaceful with my memories, and smile. I think all these feelings will always be part of me. But the bad feelings have lost some of their power because I finally know they can pass or shift, like water in a river where the sunshine shimmers on top of the dark currents underneath. The sunshine and the darkness are always both present, but as part of a whole.

May you have a bit of sunshine in your life today, Addy. Even if just for a few moments.

Love, Marianne

Oh my gosh Marianne, this is so beautiful and so so true. Thank you for posting this, I can sure relate to all of it.

Addy, I am so happy to read that you don't need surgery on your shoulder, what a relief.

Thinking of you, Zoe and Koko and sending lots of love and hugs. xo