Oh Joan, of course I cannot know what was truly in Lena's mind that night. But truthfully, given how desperately she was trying to breathe, my guess is that her conscious mind and energy were totally focused on her own little body as the end neared. But then, if we can trust in the experiences related by humans brought back from the brink of death, at the actual moment of passing her spirit was connected with you and all her loved ones regardless of physical separation. You were with her at that moment of release because of the abiding love that filled her dreams and her memories and the very core of her being, even as the bright light beckoned her onward.

I know you wish so much that you were there to hold Lena. But my guess is the loss is more yours than hers because she made her passage knowing without doubt that she was loved. The far harder task falls to those of us who are left behind -- making peace with the aching wish to be able to hold our babies again for yet one more time. It breaks our hearts to think that even one precious opportunity was missed, and especially there at the end. I wish it weren't so, but I'm afraid this will hurt for a long, long time. But Joan, not because you failed Lena. However, you didn't get the chance to hold her and say goodbye yourself. Maybe in the coming days, though, you can find a different way to honor Lena and bid her farewell that may bring a bit of peace and comfort to soothe your aching heart.

Big hugs,
Marianne