Addy, why is it when we can plainly see that we are moving, almost clock-like, right through the stages of grief as we are familiar with them, it doesn't make it any easier to deal with them? If you remember, I want Palmer's last 4-5 day hospital stay back and he should have been at home. I kept telling Ryan...come...no, don't come, he's better.....no you'd better come......and on and on until Ryan finally announced he was coming. Period. It was the right thing to do. We make the best decisions we can make with the information we have at hand. We are fraught with emotion and fear of losing our very, very special loved one. We would do anything and everything for them. We want that they do not suffer but usually there are one or more huge unknowns. There are indicators that give us clues but not answers. Try as we might. Try as hard as we do. Test after test. We cannot get to the core of the problem with certainty. The vets aren't as knowledgeable as we'd like. They often are learning along with us when it comes to Cushings. It is not a black and white situation. It is a very gray situation. At some point their poor little bodies just can't take any more and we finally recognize that and realize we must help them make the transition. They have fought with every ounce of their being trying to stay with us, trying to get better, but the fight cannot continue. And we owe it to them to end their suffering, with love. In no way did you fail her. She knows that. We don't get "do-overs" in life. Instead think of all the right things you did. All of the records you kept. All of the yelling you did on her behalf. All of the knowing not to make more than one change at a time. Making notes so you could look back and remember that you had tried something before and it had not worked....or you had tried something else and it had worked. Think of how you thought to take Koko in to say goodbye. WHO thinks of that?? How you raced home and didn't get a ticket so you could be there as soon as you heard she was more sick. Zoe knows. Zoe feels your love.
This is just hard. Very hard. And that is normal. Sad but normal. You are not alone. I care deeply. I'm still sitting up here.
Love,
Sus