Buddy, The Mighty Lizard Hunter - Suspected Pituitary Macro Tumor

[Budsters Mom]

Ladies,
I am not strong enough to do this! I am having a very hard functioning as it is. Once I go forward with this decision, I will have to go though the torture of watching Buddy deteriorate quickly before my eyes. This is going to rip my heart to shreds. I know that some of you have done it and survived, but I'm not as strong as you and Buddy is all that I have. Without him, I have no reason to go on. There will be nothing left. Signing off.....

Hugs,
Kathy

[labblab]

Oh sweet Kathy, you are pushed to the max right now, with no sleep and so much to shoulder. But please know this one thing: being here is not about being strong all by yourself. It is about leaning on others for support when we are too scared or weak to go on by ourselves. You absolutely need to conserve your strength for Buddy and yourself right now. So do take as much of a break from posting as you need to. But even though you may not be exchanging words with us, we are still beaming you comfort from across the miles, Kathy. And we are carrying you along with us in our hearts. You and Buddy are not alone, and never will be.

Sending hugs and hugs and more hugs.

[Trixie]

Kathy,
This is a terrible situation for you and I don't think anyone here would expect to feel any differently, it makes me cry just thinking about what you're going through...but you are not doing anything today. Today things are okay and you don't have to project what will happen tomorrow or one week from now....one day at a time. I know it is easier said than done but you don't have to decide anything right here and now. If and when you have to go forward with a decision the right thing will be evident at the right time and that is not now. Nothing about what you're dealing with easy, like you said it's the hardest thing ever but don't get ahead of yourself, you're not doing anything today.
I know you are feeling very much alone but you're not. We are all here for you and for Buddy.
No one can predict what will happen so go day by day and try not to weigh yourself down with these terrible thoughts. Your heart is heavy right now but you will get through.
Sending you a big hug... Barbara

[molly muffin]

Kathy, I'm so sorry. I know I can only send you virtual hugs, but they are full of heart felt sentiment of caring for you and Buddy. This sucks.

HUGS
Sharlene

[addy]

We aren't going anywhere. We will always be here to lend an ear, send you encouragement, give you hugs, just know you dont have to be alone ever. Do what is best for you and for Buddy but we will always, always be here for you both, no matter what.

Choices for others are hard. I had to make some hard choices for my elderly mother. Do I give her the best quality of life now, knowing that later on, there will be no money left and harder choices will come or do I allow her to reside in a safe place where she can always stay but I know her life will not be the same quality and that she will go down hill? Everyone has a different way of looking at things. There is no right or wrong answer, it is what is best for you and Buddy.

I chose to give Mom a good quality of life now and deal with the hard choice if and when it comes. My brother did not agree. I have never looked back or regretted my decision nor do I think I ever will. For me quality of life trumps quantity if I have to chose. Doesnt mean I'm right and others are wrong.

You look at boths sides and follow your heart.

[Budsters Mom]

Addy,
Yes, I realize that a lot of you have to make hard decisions also, and have your share of problems. I have both my elderly parents living with me and I know how trying that can be at times. I also believe that the quality of life is more important than the quantity. It doesn't make it any easier though. Thanks for being there.

Hugs,
Kathy

[Trish]

Well this sucks the kumara! (NZ saying but very apt here ) I am so sorry to read all of this Kathy. If this indeed is what is going on then I sincerely hope any progression is at a snail's pace and you have a lot of time left with the Budster until you have to make any of those awful decisions.

I wish I knew the answer on how to enjoy the times we have left with our super pups without all the worry about the future, I admire those that can live in the day. Even when my doggy is good I seem to have an evil niggle lurking at the back of my mind about what is too come, I can even project myself into the time when I do have to make myself make those awful decisions and get all sad and panicky. Honestly, the little white vans should be lined up outside my house!! When I get like that I really do have give myself a swift mental uppercut and say STOP THAT.. he is still here!!!!!!!!!!! There is time for feeling this sadness when it is time, but not now.. I need to enjoy him and keep making happy memories... make him feel safe and loved and not show him his Mum is a potential mental health patient!! I don't know really and I am not saying you do any of that, but I do , I am rabbiting on here but anticipatory grief is such an insidious monster so if anyone has any good tips to keep it at bay I would be most appreciative, I think a lot of us would

But I do know that coming on here and rationalising it all out and getting input from the wise angels that have often been there, done that is invaluable to me. So you do what is right for you and thank the lord we are all different in how we handle things and there is no wrong or right way. NEVER feel bad for posting anything you think is going to be too sad, this is the real world here Kathy we are not here because we have healthy dogs!! We celebrate the good and commiserate with the not so good but we are all big girls and boys and can handle it. We will be marching by your side through thick and thin!!!

Kathy, I hope your day goes well today with your wee man, I think he looks great as a dinosaur (they are just big lizards aren't they!!) very fitting costume for our mighty lizard hunter!! Oh gawd, it is a long post isn't it and I have been trying so hard to cut them down

Trish xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[addy]

sweetie, it is damn hard and the rest of us are not really brave at all, we are usually scared half to death in constant fear of what tomorrow will bring for our Cush pups.

my point to my story is that everyone will look at things differently but the right answer is in your heart where the love flows freely for your Buddy and he knows that.

Anticipatory grief can drive us crazy, Trish is so right. Kathy, you have to take care of you to keep it at bay. If you have to take some sleep aid to sleep then start doing it, because I am going to hound you about it and I dont care if you get mad at me. We care about you and Buddy.

Dang, will have Kim come on every night and write a lullaby for you if we have to- well, maybe I should not volunteer Kim for every night, we can take turns.

Put it in the drawer now for the rest of the weekend. Lock it and dont open it up.

(((((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))))))))))

[Budsters Mom]

Trish,
The time has come for me to make that decision. I can't continue to live in not today land, or I'll do it tomorrow. Buddy neuro function has deteriorated considerably in the last couple of months. Tests have proven that. The decision has to come now as to whether I continue to Trilostane or stop it. Letting the cortisol rise could slow the tumor significantly and keep him on his feet longer. Naomi has been trying that with Frasier. It will most likely cause Buddy's Cushing symptoms to return. His stomach was very upset when he started Trilostane. It took more than a week to settle it. His allergies went haywire when his cortisol dropped. I have finally gotten a handle on that. If I stop the trilo, we will be back where we started and that was not a comfortable place for Buddy. So I do need to make that decision now. Reducing, not stopping the trilo is another option. Yes Trish, I am familiar with those white vans. They have been circling my block for the past several days.

Addy,
I expect no less from you! I have already figured out that you are going to continue to nag me to sleep and I am trying. I did manage to nap for about an hour this afternoon when I knew Buddy was stable. Mel had just sent me a few PM's and had worked her magic. Sleep deprivation is taking a toll on me. I hurt everywhere and have no energy. My brain is also mush and I'm over emotional. I know all of these things already. Yes, Kim's lullaby was adorably sweet. I will admit that. I am not a pill popper. That is so not my thing.

Thank you Angels,
Kathy

[Roxee's Dad]

Dear Kathy,
Like many others, my heart hurts for you and Buddy. Just follow your heart, and know you will do what is in the best interest of Buddy. It looks like you still have a plan of things to try which still gives hope.
I know you will love on him while you can.