My big boy Gable - sweet Gabe is now at peace

[labblab]

Good night, Joan. Hoping so much, too, that tomorrow will be a better day!

[Joan2517]

Marianne, my big beautiful boy died at 5:30 this morning. He got much worse after our going back and forth last night, and I just knew he needed to go to the ER again. Even they were surprised at how much worse he was from the night before. They kept him and hooked him up to fluids with pain medication, which they wondered why my vet had not given me the two times I was there yesterday. I asked them to call me if it looked like he was not going to make it. I kissed my good, good boy goodnight and told him how much I loved him and went home. They called at 5:35 to tell me that he was in cardiac arrest and they would keep doing CPR until I got there, which they did, but he was already gone.

I had woken up around 5:15 and it took a few seconds to remember that he wasn't home and I had not heard him drinking water or his nails as he roamed around which had been usual for the past few years. I had a picture in my mind of him standing in the cage, wagging his tail, and looking so much better before I closed my eyes again. Maybe he was telling me that he was okay now...I don't know. I hope so...I couldn't bring him home like I did with Lena, so they are taking care of his cremation, which will be private. I rubbed his ears and hugged him, cut some of his fur off (even though I knew there were clumps all over the house still, lol), and left my big beautiful boy to join his sister. I know Lee will be happy to see him, and he her. Cooper and Sibbie smelled my hands and arms when I got home, so I hope they realize that he's not coming home.

I thought I would take this better, but I miss him so much already...and here comes the guilt. Should I have stayed all night with him? Did I do enough? Should I have tried to find out why he's been panting so much? How many times did I get mad at him for so many stupid things? And again, the quiet is so, so loud...

Sleep comfortably, my big, beautiful boy. You know how much I loved you, and I know you you know that you were my boy, my guardian, my happy, good natured sous chef. I'll love you forever, Gabe...

Love, Mom

[labblab]

Oh Joan. My tears are flowing and my heart is with you. Please, please don’t believe that you did anything wrong because you absolutely did not. This was just his time to leave this world and rejoin Lena. You sensed it yesterday even though the vet did not. Your mother’s intuition knew, and you were right. And just like with Lena, I absolutely believe that your love was surrounding him no matter where he was and no matter where you were. His spirit knows you are always with him even though by last night his body was beyond the point of knowing. That is truly what I believe. He was letting you know yesterday that his time had come. Thank goodness you were listening with your mother’s heart so that you could love on him at home yesterday and then take him in for the pain killer overnight to ease any suffering. I’m betting his mind had already drifted away, lulled by the pain killer, when his dear heart gave out.

As closely bound as Gabe and Luna have become in my mind, I’m feeling as though Luna has lost a brother from across the miles. It makes me cry. I’ll go right now and add Gable to our memorial list — for sure, he’s one of our beloved Cush Angels now. I’m so sorry Joan. I have no words to tell you how sorry I truly am. I’ll be here to talk, any time at all.

Fare thee well, sweet Gable. Until we all meet again.
Love, Marianne

[Joan2517]

I feel the same way about Luna, just as I did with Peg.

Last night the tech said that with pancreatitis the dogs salivate a lot which was why it was just dripping from him, as well as pain. And I've been going over in my mind and realizing that even though he hasn't been drooling, he was always leaving saliva on the floor, couch, etc., licking his front paws where he would be resting his head. And the panting that I thought was Cushing's related, might've been pain...and of course I am kicking myself for not having it checked out. Maybe he would not have died this soon, although I knew it was coming.

I hate this....my poor boy.

[labblab]

If only they could talk!! Oddly enough, Luna’s been licking like crazy lately, too. Licks her legs, licks her crate, licks the carpet. We can’t figure out why. Her blood work was all normal last month. She’s also gone through periods of hypersalivation, too, sometimes even when she’s sleeping comfortably and soundly. It’s so strange. My best guess with Gable, though, is that his panting really was from Cushing’s as opposed to pain and that what happened now came up so quick and acute that you really couldn’t do anything about it. A younger dog might have had the strength to rebound, but this hit Gable so hard that his heart couldn’t handle it. I just don’t think there’s anything you could have done differently that would have really changed things for him.

But you got him the painkiller that he needed last night. That was probably the most important thing of all, to give him peace there at the end. I know you miss him so dearly, though. What a very, very good boy he was. I’ll be lighting a candle tonight, especially for him. Forever in our hearts.

[labblab]

Joan, I just wanted to come back and tell you that I’m not writing the stuff that I am just to make you feel better. I truly honestly think that you did everything you could have done under the circumstances that were thrown at you.

But if you’re like me, I’m also guessing that the questions and the guilt you’re feeling cannot be changed by anything anybody else says. They’re your genuine feelings and you need to be able to talk about them without worrying about what we think, one way or the other. You need to know that we’re truly hearing what you need to say. I *know* I made mistakes with Barkis. Hopefully fewer with Peg. And heaven only knows about Luna right now. But it’s always meant so much to me to be able to talk about both the good and the bad about what I’ve done here, to get if off my chest for myself. But no matter what, I did the best that I could at the time. And I know the same has always been true for you, too — mistakes or no mistakes. But for what it’s worth, again, I just want you to know that I think that it was Gable’s time, you did all I would have known to do, and you loved him dearly, and nothing is more important than that.

[Joan2517]

I know that, Marianne. When that thought came to me this morning, I felt like I should keep it to myself because I was afraid someone might say that it was my fault. But I knew that I would tell you here because I knew this is where I could. I miss him so much...I honestly didn't think it would hit me as hard as Lena's death did. I loved him as much, but it was different with her. I guess I just loved him as much in a different way.

It is so, so quiet. And I realized about an hour ago that we have not had to fill the water bowls all day, and that just made me start bawling again. I'm going to have to start locking the doors again because he was so big that no one would dare come into the house, even though he would never have bit anyone, but they wouldn't know that. I had all these recipes for snacks that I was going to make him because I knew he would love them...and now I just don't feel like making it for the rest of them. I still have frozen squash and watermelon balls in the freezer because he loved them so much; and I just boiled up two chicken breasts for him to eat while he was sick. Now I see them and cry.

My husband is even crying and all he ever did was complain about trying not to trip over him, or yelling that he was trying to kill him by constantly being under his feet (lol). Since he's been able to eat again, that's all he's been doing and Gable was right there with him. Any time he went into the kitchen no matter how quiet he tried to be, Gable heard him and sat and waited for the tidbits that he always gave him. I caught him going through his phone looking for pictures and crying. Jeremy is heartbroken because he didn't get to say goodbye. And I miss him so much.

Josh face-timed me this morning after he heard and said all the right things. I know he just wanted to see how I was. He was only 8 when Lee died and I think he only remembers me not being able to talk about her.

And Cooper keeps crying in his sleep, he's doing it now, and I wonder is it because of Gabe? He never did this before. Gable was the one who used to cry. I wish I knew what he had been dreaming about. I don't hear him breathing or his nails on the floor while he was dreaming or roaming at night trying to find a comfortable place to sleep, or the sound of him drinking, drinking, drinking...and I miss all of it.

I have a headache and my eyes hurt from crying and I just want to sleep and forget...just like I did with Lee. Good night, my darling boy. Kiss Lena for me.

Good night to you too, Marianne. You are and always have been a comfort to me.

Love, Joan

[labblab]

Another morning dawns, my friend, and I know it’s a tough one. Closing my eyes and sending you huge hugs from across the miles. I’ve just spent several minutes trying to Google a quote of comfort that I had seen a few days ago, before we all lost Gable. I thought at the time, I should write this down but I didn’t. I so wish I had because I can’t find it again this morning. But of all things, I did find this quote from “Winnie the Pooh.” It’s with a picture of Pooh holding Piglet’s hand:

How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.

I’m guessing that lucky is nowhere near the first word that would have come to your mind today. But how lucky Gabe was to have you for his mom. How lucky we all are that Lena first brought you to us. And how lucky we also are that we’ve gotten to share Gabe’s journey with you ever since. Especially me. All through these last few challenging months with Luna, I’ve felt such a bond of support coming from you and Gable. It’s so hard this morning to say goodbye to him, but what a gift it has been to have him in our lives, and for that I feel both lucky and grateful.

Love, Marianne

[Joan2517]

That's very sweet, Marianne.

I'm still dealing with guilt...now I'm thinking that if I had brought him earlier, instead of listening to the vet who said all of his behavior was normal for a dog dealing with pancreatitis, that maybe the pain meds and fluids would have made him more comfortable and his poor, big, gentle heart wouldn't have given out.

I am so, so sad and can't stop crying. And I yelled at them all day Halloween for the barking and trying to get to the trick or treaters. I keep trying to think if anything was different that night before he started throwing up and I don't think there was. The only thing he ate that day besides regular food was a few pieces of waffle and a banana. The day before I made a buttermilk apple custard pie and he and I shared the two or three extra apples, which he always loved.

I just don't understand how it got so bad, so fast...my mind knows, but my heart still can't accept it.

[Harley PoMMom]

Dearest Joan,

I am just now seeing this and I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved Gable. We all can see how deeply he was loved and how lucky he was to have you as his Mom.

Please stop being so hard on yourself, I know this is easier said than done as I've gone through those woulda, coulda, shoulda, I believe any one that loses their furbaby goes through this as well.

I'm sending huge and loving hugs.

With Heartfelt Sympathy, Lori