And we'll be here to pass hugs all around the circle -- from one to the next to the next, until they come right back to the beginning. All our family together here, standing shoulder-to-shoulder and heart-to-heart!
Marianne
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And we'll be here to pass hugs all around the circle -- from one to the next to the next, until they come right back to the beginning. All our family together here, standing shoulder-to-shoulder and heart-to-heart!
Marianne
I'm off this week for Thanksgiving break and Buddy should be here. It's makes me sad that he will never be again. :o:(
Our thoughts are filled with memories on every holiday throughout the years, but I think the "firsts" are especially rough. At least, they have been for me. There is no chance yet to try to create a new normal. It all just feels totally abnormal. :o
Shooting some of those big hugs your way, Kathy.
anticipation of "lasts" is hard as well.:(:(:(
pretty much sucks the holiday spirit right out of me at times:rolleyes:
So true Addy! :o thinking of you and your precious girl. (((Hugs))))
Thank you for this thread. I remember my Apollo would get so excited not only would he open his presents,but want to open everyone else's too. One year when my niece was about two, Apollo started opening up her present because she wasn't fast enough. Being the regal king that he was,he thought all the presents were for him:)
Miss my baby every day.
Hugs Sonja and Angel Apollo
OK kids, another November is here and another holiday season approaches. Wowsa, how can the days fly by? On the other hand, how can the hardest days seem to drag on forever...:o
Anyway, I thought I'd bump up this thread once again. Just in case anybody wants to drop by to share some smiles, tears, thoughts, memories, dreams, wishes, hopes and sorrows. I know for me, the holidays are made up of all those things, including some of my tenderest feelings and greatest longings for loved ones who are physically absent.
Anybody who knows me here knows I like to yak! It brings me comfort to talk and to write. I surely understand it is not the same for everybody. But for anyone else who also finds solace in adding a note here or sharing a group hug, please know you are welcome no matter what is on your mind or in your heart. Good or bad, happy or sad. This is a place we can come all through the holidays, knowing our K9C family understands things that perhaps our other friends and family do not. Like how much it matters that things are forever changed by the absence of a sweet warm body and a dear face at the table, at the party, in the kitchen, at the fireplace, at the window, at the door, by the tree, in your lap, beside your chair, just being loved.
Starting things off with a giant bear hug from me, in honor of my Barkis and the joy he always brought us at the holidays. He was a December baby, as was my dad. Both will always be so special to me in the heart of my holiday memories.
Marianne
Last year sucked with regard to the holidays.:o I was down for the count with Whooping Cough the entire months of December and January. I could barely function, so celebrating the holidays did not happen. That wasn't even the worst part. Previously, whenever I felt poorly, Buddy never left my side. Him not being there with me was worse than being sick by far. I am hoping for a healthier holiday season. I have hand sanitizer all over the classroom. Hopefully the germ magnets will get the hint. ;)
Boy, I remember your Whooping Cough as though it was yesterday. What a nightmare!!! :eek: :eek: :eek:
It would be nice if you could issue surgical masks to the germ bombs along with the hand sanitizer...:cool: :rolleyes:
But yeah, the cough involved physical pain while Buddy's absence was deep emotional pain. Your first holiday season without him would have been so hard, regardless. You layer on the cough, and it became a double, triple, quadruple whammy. :o :(
I know you will still be missing Buddy terribly this year, as well as all your rituals together. But hopefully you will have your physical health intact so that you can participate in some outward celebration. Inwardly, you will still ache at times -- probably often. But sometimes when I think I am only going through the motions, I discover I actually have more fun than I thought would be possible. I hope the same may end up being true for you, and that some new memories can be made with Rosie to store in your heart alongside those precious times shared with your baby boy.
In that vein, I can think of no better way to describe the holidays than bittersweet. Such a double-edged sword, in so many ways.
I do not think I could handle putting up Zoe's tree. Actually, I know I cant do it. I had hoped we could go away for Christmas with Koko but now I have this never ending cough and hubby has a medical procedure coming up mid December so we cant get away.
I thought really hard about maybe putting up Zoe's tree but decorating it with my antique ornaments rather than her beautiful birds. Then I realized I would have to lock Koko up in the kitchen again as I would be too worried leaving him home alone with a tree filled with glass ornaments.
So now I guess I will just stop planning anything, live in the moment and go with the flow, whatever I do.
I am so dreading Thanksgiving without Zoe barking at the table and being so excited. I try to banish the thoughts from my mind and just not think about it. Sort of going through the motions without too much thinking involved.
Firsts are hard.
I think going with the flow is an excellent strategy. As well as not dwelling on the painful thoughts. They will come up on their own, but the trick is to release them on their own, too. At least, for me, that is the trick. Not to latch onto the thought and the pain and hold on and hold on and hold on. Like endlessly rubbing a sore in your mouth with your tongue.Quote:
Originally Posted by addy
There is a phrase my husband and I both use in relation to playing instruments (for me it is keyboard, for him it is stringed instruments). The phrase is "muscle memory." It always seems like a bit of a miracle to me when I memorize a song and can play it effortlessly without the music. But we call that "muscle memory" -- when the notes become physically encoded in some way and our fingers just know automatically what to do. The truly odd thing is that when I use my brain again and start thinking about what I'm playing, the whole thing usually falls apart. The brain consciousness overrides the physical consciousness and short-circuits everything.
I am really good at letting my brain short-circuit things.
So I will project my own self onto you, and tell you that I think going with the flow is an excellent idea. Let your body and your heart lead you through the holidays. Who knows, you may end up heading off in a surprising direction by trying something new or by repeating something old that still ends up feeling comfortable after all.
Carpe diem. Savor the moment. Isn't that what our puppies lived by? Of all the life lessons they could teach us, I sure hope I can grasp that one before it is too late.
And absolutely, firsts are d**n hard.
Marianne
Right back at you with the hugs Marianne. Your sweet December baby brought us the gift of you. Thank you Barkis for sharing your mom with us. :p
Yes, The last holiday season was my first without Buddy. I did not want to do it without him. My heart was not in it. I wanted to skip it altogether and just start up in January. As it turned out, I ended up too sick to do much of anything. Be careful what you wish for. You might just get it.;)
Quote:
Originally Posted by labblab
Oh Kathy, I am LOVIN' Buddy's Christmas avatar!! :) :)
Oh Marianne,
The title of this thread could not be more appropriate. Ever since we released our sweet girl, the silence is unbearable. This will be our 2nd holiday season without our girl. But last one was the hardest. I have been missing from the forum for quite sometime now, and I just could not find the right time or words or even the time to open up. But it has been long overdue, and I am in a better place to let it all out.
In November, 2013 I was dx with invasive breast cancer (almost a year now). I couldnt bear to tell my girls the horrible news and risk spoiling the little magic we still managed to carry in us that Christmas, specially after just losing our Princess, so I decided to wait to tell them until after the holidays.
I underwent a bilateral mastecomy in January, 2014, chemotherapy from February through April and 33 daily rounds of radiation from May through July. I never thought I would pull through such emotional and physical pain, for this has been by far, one of the longest and trying journeys I have ever been dealt. I never questioned the "why me" as much as just the "why". Many times I thought to myself well yeah "why not me". If this is where I was meant to be, there must be a higher and bigger purpose for all of it, and time will tell what that is. For now, I am going strong again, getting my energy back, and just truly grateful for every single day--goodness, Im aliveee! We must rejoice in that and i am focused on each precious day, and less focus on the dark side of my journey. I think the only one thing that sticks out for me is the fact that I had to lose my girl 2 months prior to my starting my journey. That "why" I will always question. Why did she have to walk out of my life when life seemed to be walking out on me? Why, then when I needed her the most? Oh sweet Princess, I always wonder if this ride could have been more bearable with you at my side every step of the way? But I guess it just wasn't meant that way.
My dear family, I am so relieved to finally come here with courage to tell my story, because you are all still so dear to my heart and always will be, and nothing can ever change what a special place in my heart you all occupy. I love and have missed every single one of you and your furbabies, and I am sorry for my long absence.
And I am sending all some very tight hugs for old times sake.
XO Jeanette
Ps: i also wanted to wish my sweet girl an early 12th birthday on November 21st. I pray you are soo at peace and happiest again. I miss your big smile the most. :-)
Jeanette! You sweet, sweet lady. I'm so glad you felt like you are finally in a place where you could share what you have been going through. Sweetie, you know we are Always here for you. Through thick and thin, the journey goes on.
I so wish that Princess could have been there with you to give you physical comfort, but I am sure that she was watching out for you.
This year you have something special to celebrate during the holidays, survival. That is pretty powerful magic by itself.
We have missed you and hopefully you will come back and let us know how you are as we are worry wart aunts you know. :)
Big hugs and a Happy Birthday for the lovely Princess. Always cherished, never forgotten.
hugs
Kathy, I too think Buddy's avatar is just adorable! His personality just shines through. Such a sweet baby. I know that no christmas holidays will Ever be the same as it was when he was with you.
hugs
Thank you ladies. Buddy was such a go with the flow kind of dude. He let me do whatever I wanted and was a great sport about it. Rosie on the other hand, is a not in this lifetime kind of gal. She's more likely to tell me to wear it first, then she'll think about, if it doesn't look too stupid. Lol :D:D:D She isn't going to do anything just to make me happy. The girl has standards.;)
Omigosh, my dear Jeanette!!! I can't tell you how it warms my heart to see you here. And double, tripley so after hearing what this past year has held for you. I don't know if you know this, but our Janis ("Altira") has walked a similar path with breast cancer during this year. So truly, you are sister survivors and as Kathy says, holiday magic.
Of course we will join you in wishing sweet Princess a Happy Birthday. Our special girls, both of you.
I do understand why you have been away, but I am ever so grateful that you've returned to us. Nobody gives tight hugs quite like you do, Jeanette. Nobody!!! I've been missing them and feel such warmth and joy this evening upon your return to us.
With much love, always! :) :)
Marianne
Dear Jeanette,
You are the bravest person I have ever had the pleasure to meet and even though I have shared this journey with you I have sometimes wondered how on earth you have found the strength to get through each day, I'm sure you have wondered the same thing! You are an inspiration to your family and friends and everyone is so thankful that you have been so strong this past year and are coming out on the other side of it the same cheerful, loving and giving Jeanette we all know and love. I wish Princess could have been with you through your journey but I know she will have been looking down on you and willing you to get better. She will always be with you.
Happy 12th Birthday for Friday Princess and keep watching over your Mom. 🐶💝💐
Love always, Linda 👸x
Thank you for this thread. I am sorry I did not see it last year.
Jeanette, peace to you. I know/have known much too many who have had to walk your road. My own Mom died from cancer the day she turned 64. I am so sorry for what you have had to bear. I know how that made it extra hard that Princess was not with you.
I am remembering Peaches and Palmer. In my 30's, we lost all four of our parents, at separate times, and we lost Peaches. Palmer was just 3 years ago. It's incredible how the waves of sorrow can surprise me still. We let them into the deepest parts of our hearts and their absence is difficult to bear.
I wish all a very happy Thanksgiving. I'll be around, if you need a hug.
-Susan
Awww, Linda and Susan, it's so good to have you join us, too!
And Jeanette, you were the last person on my mind last night and the first one I'm thinking about this morning. I'm starting up the coffee and can't help but think about those holiday Folger's coffee commercials here in the U.S. -- where it's Christmas morning and a special loved one has come from a distance and slipped in the house and put on the coffee and everybody wakes up to the thrill of reunion. Well, that's how I feel about seeing you pop up here! :) :) :) :D
It feels like a holiday morning!!! Hey, Everybody, wake up 'cause Jeanette's home!!! ;) :p
Jeanette! So glad you finally feel strong and free enough to share with your whole family here! WOOHOO! You're BAAACK! :cool::cool::cool::cool::cool:
Dearest Sweet Jeanette-
I have thought and worried about you often, so when I saw your post here, my heart skipped a beat.
You are here, you are alive, and as Marianne send, you came home for the holidays and oh, dear Jeanette, thank you so much for the tight hugs that only you can give.
Your courage is an inspiration to us all.
About a week after I was diagnosed with breast cancer I dashed to Cindys side for comfort and support. Then this girl called Arelis ( pronounced a-rel-is was writing me about breast cancer. I had no idea who she was. I did not even read her emails. Then Cindy said... You really should read arelis's emails. Well I complained I don't even know who she is! Cindy wrote back - yes you do... Arelis is Jeanette! OMG! Of coarse I know Jeanette! After that the two of us have spent hours cying on each other's shoulder and compairing notes . I cant tell you how thrilled I am she finally told you!
Sorry Arelis I guess now they know you name now too. (Sheepish smile).
Oh Janis, here you are joining us, too!! Welcome in, girl!!! :) :) :). And with what a story to tell :p. OK both you gals, you now gotta tell Cindy to catch a car, bus, train, plane or whatever to come knockin' on our front door, too. We need Cindy home for the holidays. Tell her we've got a place all set at the table and she needs to get her butt over here pronto! ;) :D
Oh dear family,
You can't begin to know how heartwarming it is to be back and read all your cheerful, comforting and loving wishes. I have missed every one of you. Each day, I am reminded in the midst of uncertainty, pain and turmoil, what many great Blessings I still have in my life. You are all my treasured Blessings. I Praise God for treasured Blessings.
I love you all heart & soul.
XO
Ps: Marianne, I just love your mind at work. That comparison to the folgers commercial made me LOL and cheered me up so much I had to go put on a pot. You are the best!
Janis! I am so glad you two got together during this most trying time in your lives. We can love you both, sympathize with your plights, worry about you...but only those who have walked your shoes can truly relate and I am so so happy you found each other!
How is Cindy?! I wrote and wrote to her but never got a reply and was worried.
Forgive me Cindy... but anyone who knows me knows I am terrible at keeping secrets.
Cindy has the cutest dog ever called Bailey. And a sign in her room that says "Who rescued who?" Sheepish smile.
Awww Janis, you don't have to worry cuz we already knew about Bailey -- Cindy was in the middle of new doggie training "challenges" when last we heard from her :eek: :p. So it's great to get this update and to find out what a cutie she is! ;)
Can't believe this Xmas will be the second without Boof (tommy)
Hi Robert! I can't believe it has already been this long without Tommy, either. I often say the "firsts" are so hard. And they are. But that doesn't mean there isn't pain with the second and the third and the fourth and the tenth and twentieth... It may not be quite as raw, but the absence forever aches and pulls our hearts backwards to earlier times and precious days when things were oh so very different. :o
Marianne
Well said Marianne. Guess the difference now is can remember good stuff along with the bad. He was such a sweet gentle soul....and still is
I think that is so true -- the good memories definitely soothe the sharpness of the pain. But this will be my tenth holiday season without my Barkis and in a strange way it is starting to hurt in a different way. I feel like I am drawing farther and farther away in time from our celebrations together and it is like I am losing some piece of the thread of connection. The raw pain early on was so hard, but it bound me to him with such a strength even in his absence. Is it totally crazy to say it makes me sad that the pain is no longer so intense?????
Not at all Marianne. I feel a bit bad because I tend to think of tommy more than Tammy. I miss them both badly but tommy went 12 months after tAm and while tam was a real character tommy was just such a beautiful soul. Everyone remembers and grieves in their own way and that way is right for that person.
Well, Thanksgiving 2014 is now a memory, too. We had a good holiday, taking the girls on the road with us to visit family. Whenever we load up like that, though, I always think of Barkis. He absolutely loved to ride in the car (his car, The Barkmobile ;)) to ride anywhere. Even if it was just to go get gas, he raced to jump in for the ride. "Me too, me too, me too!!!" I wished he was along with us for this ride...for every ride.
So now we turn to the December holidays. I'm way behind in my decorating, and maybe I just won't push myself as hard this year. For sure we will put up our Christmas tree, though, with all the picture ornaments for every beloved pet who's ever shared our lives. Even though there is sadness in their absence, I love seeing their sweet faces on the tree.
OK, everybody, just remember the door is always wide open here if anybody wants to stop by to talk or to remember during these December days.
We are not putting up Zoe's remembrance tree. Even if I could stand it and I cant, I don't want to start locking Koko up in the kitchen or instead worry about him alone the the tree and the birds.
I have not purchased one single present and think I am in major denial over the upcoming holiday.
Mom has taken a turn for the worse since last Sunday. She did so well Thanksgiving and my thoughts now turn back to Zoe and her decline after last Thanksgiving and I keep wondering if Mom has the ability to bounce back one more time or if she will follow Zoe.
I know I should not compare the two but I do.:(:(:(
Thanks for listening.
Oh Addy, I am so sorry about your mom. I wouldn't be able to help comparing the two situations, either. I was really grateful that my mom could go on our Thanksgiving trip with us. I don't think she will be traveling again. She has a lot of discomfort when forced to sit in one position for very long, and now it is finally hampering her general mobility. I know she is failing pretty rapidly now, especially in terms of her heart. I know I should try to prepare myself for what will come, but I just can't go there in my mind. But with every holiday now, I keep thinking "will this be the last one?"
I wish I could find a way to turn my brain off and live in the moment like our doggies do.
Thanks for listening to me, too, Addy.
Me too, Marianne, wish I could consistently stay in the moment. I was just reading a blog. The author basically was saying that is ok for traditions to change as our lives change. For some reason I took great comfort in that statement.
I am doing the same thing with my Mom. I was so grateful for the wonderful Thanksgiving we had together.
One day at a time.
Hugs and love.
Oh, I take comfort in that, too, Addy -- about allowing traditions to shift. In a crazy way, I think I've already been tinkering with some small things this year kinda for the sake of practicing. Figuring that if I can get used to making some small changes now, maybe it'll help me cope when those big ones hit. Probably not, but at least it's a strategy :o. And my big wreath and a bunch of decorations were looking pretty ratty anyway and were due for a change (or were long overdue per hubby...:rolleyes:).