My 14 year old doxie - probable Cushings - Visuddha has passed

[Whiskey's Mom]

Judy, you took the words and thoughts right out of my mouth exactly. Those posts were just heartbreakingly beautiful. Such a wonderful tribute to a special boy. I'm in the same place with Whiskey, his 14th birthday is a month away. We've been giving him all the love & attention we possibly can. God I wish I could quit my job and spend all my time with him.
Shana, you & V have been in my thoughts all weekend. Sending hugs across the miles to all of you, especially Jackson.
Annie

[Joan2517]

Shana, you mentioned the "after shower" licks...funny. Lena used to do that, too. I don't remember when she stopped...I think sometime in the year before she died. After she had been on the Vetoryl for a while she did it one more time. I was so happy thinking she was going to be okay, but it was just the one time.

Those little moments are what makes them so special. They show us their love in those moments, the ones we will never forget, the ones that were just for US...and there are so many of them. One will hit out of the blue and they can make you smile, or open up a river of tears, or both. I think I've cried more in the last 10 months than in my entire life.

Yesterday my husband was cleaning out the basement and found some pictures of Lee from 2003 and her front carrier that I used to put her in so that I could hold her and still use my hands to do things...it was so tiny, she was so tiny. She would be facing out and could watch everything I was doing...I'll bet she knew how to make pasta! And I cried remembering how close we always were...and then I smiled remembering how close we always were...

I've been thinking of you all weekend and wishing peaceful thoughts for you, Shana. I love the picture of Vishudda that you put up...

[DoxieMama]

Good morning, sweet boy...

Jackson and Leeloo are missing you terribly. You know how Jackson always lays at my feet when I'm on the computer? Well last night, Leeloo was right next to him. She's usually on one of the desks, or in the other room, but I think she needs comfort too. When I went to watch TV, they both came with me and lay on the couch, too. Of course, they usually do... but it is more poignant now without you.

I slept a few more hours last night, though I woke only a couple hours after going to bed because Jackson was retching. Poor guy. Yeah... I know, I shouldn't have given him anything to eat. I made the chicken last night and gave him a couple pieces with half of his usual dinner. He's looking at me now expectantly, keeps resting his head in my lap like he does when he thinks I forgot to feed him, but he's going to have to skip breakfast today. I'll make up the rice tonight and we'll try a little of that. Maybe only as much as I would give to you. Cross your paws he keeps it down.

I've been trying to "keep it together" for him, you know. And I don't want dad to worry. But my friends here know as well as he does just how special you are to me. I miss your little nose on my calf while I'm at the computer, letting me know you're there and want to be picked up. Sitting here with both feet on the floor is so weird, since I have folded my left leg under my right to help keep you from falling for so many years...

Ah crap. So much for keeping it together. I was hoping maybe I'd gotten all those tears out in the shower earlier. Guess not. :o

I've got to eat my breakfast - dad made sausage, egg and cheese burritos last night but I didn't have any cause I'd already eaten some toast and ice cream. Yeah, I'm not eating too healthy right now. Jackson isn't the only one with an upset tummy. :p Maybe I should have skipped the coffee.

As I've told you so many days, I've gotta go to work, buddy. I love you. Keep watch over Jackson for me.

[DoxieMama]

Hi baby dog,

I don't normally get to talk to you on a weekday like this, but I had to take a minute to let you know. I just talked to someone who told me the cremation is already done, and he will be bringing you back to the vet later today. I was hoping that Jackson could see you one last time but that's not to be. I also left a message for the vet to let him know how Jack's doing, and to see if they have any other suggestions. Rachel said my plans are good, but she'll leave him the message so he might be calling me later.

Gotta run. I'm at work and though I haven't got a lot done this morning, I do need to keep trying.

Love you, buddy.

[molly muffin]

OMG Shana! I'm so sorry. I am just now seeing the news of Visuddha passing and I am just heartbroken for you.
You have been there for me so often since Molly has passed and now to to have Visuddha gone as well. I'm bawling at work for you as like so many here, we know how heartbreaking it is to have to say good-bye when it is the last thing we want to do.
My sincerest condolences. He was a special boy with a special momma.
Big Hugs (and chocolate)

[labblab]

Oh Shana, I'm so sorry your Jackson is having tummy problems. So is Joan's Gable and also my Luna. :( :( :(

Maybe it is true that they all three are missing their brother and sisters. :o :o :o

But none of us moms need the extra worry right now, that's for sure! So it's chicken and rice for everybody, and fingers crossed that their tummies will all soon settle.

Continuing to hold you in my thoughts and to send healing wishes your way.
Marianne

[DoxieMama]

He's home. And in my pocket. There is an oak box with his name so beautifully engraved on it, and I chose a keychain with little paw prints on it also.

They asked me to make sure everything was correct, to which I replied, "Yes, unfortunately. He's going home, now" as I choked back a few tears. One of the girls looked at me with tears in her eyes too, "Awwww... try to have a good night".

We got home and I showed Jackson the box. He wasn't interested. :p I went to put it on the mantel and almost completely broke down. That was rather unexpected. But it didn't look quite right on the mantel so I moved him to a shelf nearby. I'm not sure if that's quite right either. I suppose nothing will be... :( :(

As for Jackson, my husband said he threw up outside again. Then he gave him a couple baby carrots and a treat. Oops. I forgot to tell him not to feed him. Too late now. I mixed up about two ounces of chicken and rice, adding a little water, which he promptly gobbled. If that stays down, I'll offer him another couple ounces before bed. Crossing my fingers...

[molly muffin]

I don't know how to find the right place either. I'm glad he is home with you.

Awww poor Jackson. Tummy troubles poor guy. Chicken, rice. I use to add in a probiotic too. The foraflora brand Molly liked.

[DoxieMama]

Maybe Jackson needs his own thread. He's doing well now. Chicken and rice, along with some plain yogurt. He was jumping to get to the bowl as I set it down this morning, which I'm taking as a good sign - he's hungry. I'll add in a little of his regular food tonight, though we'll take it slow.

Last night he was chewing on an antler, which he hasn't done for a bit. Our eldest stopped by for a short visit and Jack was SO excited to see him. This morning, he was exuberant for our walk, though uncharacteristically patient as I got ready. ;)

We've spent a few quality moments together the past few days. I have sat on the floor in front of him for years, chatting with him, checking his paws, rubbing his ears... and his belly as he usually ends up laying down for me. The other day, he put his head down and then pressed the top of it to my chest for quite a while. He does that when he's not feeling well, or I am... He may just have been picking up on my emotions, and now they're not quite as raw so he's doing better. I don't know.

As I got ready for work this morning, I sat on the floor to get my shoes on and set my new keychain on the floor beside me, where Visuddha often sat and waited. I picked up the keychain and cried a few tears, missing V, and Jack came and sat next to me. I gave him a hug, petted and chatted a minute, but the moment I went to get up he bounded out of the room. I think he's doing better. :)

My stomach is still out of sorts. I haven't figured out yet if I'm being stoic for Jackson, stuffing things, or what, but I feel... OK, emotionally. Not overwhelmed, not emotional/sad/grieving... more matter-of-fact. I expected this would be so much more difficult and overwhelming... Visuddha was my baby dog, my constant companion for almost 14 years. I love him SO stinking much it hurt sometimes. So why doesn't it hurt more, now? How am I able to work, shut down the tears, talk about him without totally losing it? I feel like I cried more for other pets than for him...

Maybe I got enough tears out beforehand. Maybe I'm numb. Maybe I am doing what needs to be done on a daily basis - taking care of Jackson, Leeloo and the fish, going to work, exercising, sleeping, eating (somewhat), and not allowing myself to experience the grief. Again, I don't know.

Three other coworkers lost their pets recently, too (2 dogs and a cat). The four of us have, separately and in pairs, been going through this together. I am going to light candles for all of them...

[Joan2517]

I think your stomach is taking the brunt of your feelings, Shana. You might think you are okay, but your stomach is telling you something else.

I think it's sweet that Jackson is worrying about you. That's how Gable is with me.

[labblab]

Oh Shana, I think grief expresses itself a little differently for every loss in our life. But that doesn't mean the love and the loss is any less. I was struck by what you wrote because I am acting much differently over Peg, too, compared to Barkis when he died. My grief with Barkis was so raw and intense and tearful. My grief with Peg is more of a quiet ache and a longing that ebbs and flows within each and every day. There have been many fewer tears which has been a surprise to me, too. Sometimes I think maybe I might heal faster if I shed more tears. But other times I think, well, I guess this must be the path my own spirit needs to take.

Anyway, just wanted to tell you that you are not alone with your questions and your musings. And there is definitely no doubt about your love for your little boy.

Marianne

[DoxieMama]

Hi baby dog (and friends),

Way back in the beginning of the year, there was another beautiful boy named Benny. I read his story some time later and helped to "kickstart" the book. I wanted to share the story here before, but it was never the right time, or the right thread. I was really hoping to have the book in hand before you left, Visuddha, so I could show you in person... I know you won't mind my sharing this here, now.

Friends... I highly suggest you grab a box of tissues before you read this.


Yesterday was weird. I couldn’t get myself out of bed. The guy I live with lifted me up. I tried to get my legs under me, but they wouldn’t cooperate. He said, “Don’t worry, I gotcha buddy,” carried me downstairs, and out the front door. That was so nice of him. I needed to pee so badly, I just had to go right there where he put me down. Normally I wouldn’t, but we both decided to make an exception to the rule.

I started walking down the parking lot toward that place where all the dogs like me go to poop. I felt my paws dragging on the ground. “How strange,” I thought. Then suddenly, I just had to go, really badly. In the middle of the parking lot. Normally, I wouldn’t do that. It’s against the rules.

My person cleaned up the mess. He’s good at that. I felt embarrassed, looked at him, and he said, “Want to keep walking, buddy?” I did, but it was surprisingly tough. By the time we reached the end of the parking lot, my head was spinning. I tried to climb the little hill, and nearly fell over. I couldn’t figure out what was going on.

He reached down again, and ran his hands over me. That felt good. He picked me up, and carried me home. I was still confused, and my head was light, but I was glad not to have to walk all the way back. It suddenly seemed like an impossible distance.

I was so glad to lay down on my bed. My person petted me, saying, “I gotcha covered, buddy. I gotcha.” I love the way that makes me feel. I know he does. He makes everything better.

He felt my paws, and pulled up my lip. He said, “Oh buddy, are you cold?” I was. My face was cold, my paws were cold. He texted a few people, and came back to pet me.

A few minutes later, another person arrived. He’s one of my favorites, and his name is Jay. He petted me, and said to my person, “Do you want to get a blanket?” They put a blanket over me, and wow… that felt good. I relaxed, and they both petted me, but they both started to choke back tears.

I never want them to cry, it breaks my heart. It’s my job to make them feel better, and I was just a little tired, and cold. I drifted in and out of sleep, and they were always there, making sure I was okay, and chatting with each other.

Throughout the day, my person made some phone calls, and spent a lot of time with me. I heard him say, “9 am tomorrow… ok… yes… I’ll tell you if anything changes. Thank you Dr. MacDonald.” He called someone else, and said, “I’m sorry, I have to cancel tonight.” Then as I was drifting off to sleep, I think I heard him cry a little again.

In the evening, more of my favorite people came by. They were all so loving. I licked their tears away when they would get close enough to my face. They whispered sweet things in my ear, and told me I was a good boy.
Later in the evening, I felt well enough to stand up and walk to the door to see who was coming in. It was more exhausting than I’d remembered it being, but I loved seeing them all. I heard my person say something like, “That’s the first time he’s gotten up under his own power today.” Everyone seemed glad that I was out of bed. I was too, but wow… after the excitement wore off, it was so exhausting to move around.

After the last visitor left, my person took me outside to do what he called, “my business.” We went back inside and when we reached the bottom of the stairs, they looked twice as steep and ten times as long as I remembered them being. I looked at my person, and he looked at me. He said, “Don’t worry, I gotcha buddy,” and carried me up.

Then it got even better! Instead of sleeping in my bed, he called me up to sleep on *his* bed. Let me repeat: *I got to sleep in the bed with my person!* We normally have our own beds, but last night we snuggled, and it felt so good to be that close to him. I thought, “This is where I belong. I will never leave his side.” I didn’t feel very well though, and it was hard to breathe sometimes.

It seems like it started a few months ago. We were playing fetch and I just blacked out. I don’t know what happened, but I think I stopped breathing. I could hear my person calling my name. I couldn’t move a muscle. He lifted my head, and looked into my eyes. I could see him right there, but couldn’t lick his face. He said, “Benny, are you in there?” I couldn’t respond. He looked at me, and said, “Don’t worry buddy, I gotcha. I gotcha covered.” I started to spin into darkness, but then my lungs took in a deep breath, and I could see again.

We went to see some doctors, and since then I’ve heard a lot of words like, “cardiomyopathy,” “cancer,” and, “kidney failure.” All i know is that sometimes I feel okay, and sometimes… you know… I just don’t. My person gives me pills.
This morning, I heard my person get up and take a shower. He came back in the room, and smelled so nice. He helped me get up, but this time, I could do it on my own. We got to the top of the stairs, and wow… they looked long and steep again. He said, “I gotcha buddy,” and carried me down. I did my business, and we came back inside. He opened a can, a really, really delicious can of wet dog food. Oh man… I love that stuff!

Jay showed up again. What a nice surprise! He and my person seemed concerned, but everyone was petting me. It seemed a little like a play, where all the actors were sad, but pretending to be happy. Pretty soon after that, another person showed up. She was wearing doctor pants, and I leaned on her.

I heard them talk. Everyone looked at my gums, and felt my paws. I heard the doctor pants lady say, “It’s your decision, but he’s definitely in that window. I don’t want to push you, but looking at his lack of color, I am honestly shocked he’s even standing up. In addition to the paws and jowls, look here…” she pointed at my face, “This should be pink. It’s almost white, and verging toward yellow.”

My person and Jay went inside to talk about something. When they came back out, I heard my person say, “I agree. I don’t want to wait till he’s in absolute agony.” So we went inside. Truth be told, I was feeling pretty badly, even though I was up and walking. It seemed like my whole head was cold, my paws were freezing, and my back legs weren’t working right.

The doctor pants lady said, “I’ll just put this into his muscle. It’s a sedative. Then I’ll come back over here, and you can just love on him till he’s asleep.” My person kissed my face, and looked in my eyes. He was trying not to cry. Doctor pants lady gave me a shot of something in the leg. I just looked at my person. He is so awesome. I will always be right by his side.

He and Jay petted me, and said the nicest things – what a good dog I am, what a good job I’ve done, how thankful they are to have me in their lives. After a while, my mind started buzzing. FOCUS! I looked back at my person. I love him so much.

I drifted again. FOCUS! I can see my person. I love him so much. I will always be right by his side. He knows that. Am I sleepy? FOCUS! I’ll always look at him with my whole heart…

Doctor pants lady said, “He must have an incredible will to stay with you. He is really powering through. That’s impressive.” My person choked back tears and said, “I know. This guy lives for me. He is the most devoted soul I’ve ever met…” We put our heads together, and closed our eyes. I felt good. I can’t really describe it. We looked at each other again. I just felt like riding that buzz, but maybe lying down was better. My person helped me down. Man, that felt gooooooood.

I felt him and Jay petting me, and heard them talking to me. They love me so much. How lucky am I? Then I felt thousands of hands petting me. Everyone I’d ever known and loved was there, petting me, scratching my ears, and that spot under my collar that makes my leg move. Everyone should try this. It’s just amazing!

Then I felt the doctor pants lady touch my leg. Did I tell you that my person had to have both of my knees repaired? They’re titanium, and have served me well, but you know… I’ve been feeling a little creaky lately.

With everyone petting me, the doctor pants lady put another needle in my leg, but this time, as the fluid went in, my legs were healed! My knees were perfect! And as I felt it move through my body, my cancer disappeared! And then my kidneys felt better! And finally, even my heart was whole, and healthy! I felt like I had sprung away from all of my sickness. Amazing!

I saw my person, and Jay, and the lady who lives at our house, Shelly. They seemed to be huddling over something. I walked over to look. It seemed like… I don’t know. It kind of looked like me, but the way I looked when I was feeling really sick, or exhausted. The face was blurred out, so I couldn’t really tell, but that poor guy looked like he had been suffering.

I could tell my person was both relieved and very, very sad. I love him so much. I looked at that me-shaped shell, and I looked at him… I think he was sad about that shell. I jumped around the room, like a clown, but it seemed like they wanted to be somber, and focus on whatever that thing was they were petting and kissing.

But my person was definitely sad. I leaned on him, like I’ve done a million times before, but it wasn’t quite the same. It felt like his body was a cloud and I passed right through him. So I walked up next to him, sat like a good boy, and my heart whispered to his, “Don’t worry, buddy. I gotcha covered.”

I will never leave his side. He knows that.

–Benny Pointer through John Pointer
http://bennypointer.com/

[Joan2517]

Crying, crying, crying....

[molly muffin]

Oh freaking bawling now :(

[DoxieMama]

Sorry that was tough for you both. I love the story and am still looking forward to holding the book in my hands.

Every day since I brought home Visuddha's ashes and keychain, I've kept that keychain in my pocket from the moment I wake until I go to bed at night. I tell him good morning almost first thing every day. This morning, I went downstairs to feed Jackson and the kitty, got my cup of coffee and sat at the computer for a bit. It was only when I went to take the keychain out of my pocket that I realized I didn't have it. A moment of panic set in that I'd lost it, but it was on the nightstand where I had put it before going to bed last night. I felt a little guilty, but that was fleeting. Or maybe not, since it's still on my mind hours later.

I still have Visuddha's medications and supplements. I had called the vet's office last week and they are willing to take them, as the vet volunteers with a homeless shelter. But I haven't taken the trip over there. I should do so soon, or they'll just expire and be of no use to anyone. I need to stop in for more cat food in the next day or so; maybe I'll bring them with me.

As for Jackson, he is doing well as an only dog. He's eating his normal food again and enjoying walks and training time. He also got a new collar and leash - red to match his jacket. I thought it was time he had his own, rather than using Jupiter or Visuddha's old ones. :o I also purchased some training tools for him - a couple books, video courses, and contacted a trainer for a behavior evaluation. That is going to have to wait until at least after the holidays, if it will be necessary at all. I had taken Jupiter in for "puppy kindergarten" classes years ago, so many of the techniques I've read/heard are coming back to me. Jackson is not completely untrained, as I did work with him years ago. But we're working on things again. It gives both of us something to focus on... and will allow us to get a second dog if we decide to do so in the future.

I'm really just rambling today. I haven't cooked for myself in almost two weeks and I'm kind of dreading Thanksgiving, as I had already volunteered to host (which means cooking most things). I really need to go grocery shopping and make myself some good food. Freezer foods, sandwiches and fast food aren't healthy choices. :rolleyes:

I've been here every day I think, but not near as active. It's ... tough to respond. Some days I can't even read all the posts. But for now, I need to get back to work...

[Joan2517]

Getting back to "normal", which isn't really "normal" anymore is so hard. I haven't started shopping for Thanksgiving yet either...and we will be about 14 total. I am trying very, very hard to not ruin it for everyone.

I'm on here every day too, and also can't respond sometimes. My daughter called me last night to let me know that one of her coworkers lost her dog to Cushing's the night before, and even though I don't know her, I started to cry, just knowing how heartbroken she was and how difficult it will be in the coming weeks, months...this is a hard family to be a part of sometimes. But also a godsend...where else can we go to talk about our babies and not feel like they just don't get it...

[molly muffin]

Responding can be hard sometimes if and when it brings back those memories of hard times. I go through that too and I am willing to be that most of us who have lost our cushing babies do so.

I think it is great that you and Jackson are getting that special time now to bond and relearn and just spend time together. I really believe that it works out for you and for Jackson too.

Visuddha lives mainly in your heart, where he is at his best and brightest. It's a special place just for him and you to share, now and forever.

big hugs.

[Squirt's Mom]

omg...sobbing....

[molly muffin]

Thinking of you too Shana on this first holiday. First afters always suck.

[DoxieMama]

Thank you, Sharlene. Thanksgiving went well; there were 8 of us total. Just the right size group, if you ask me. Not too many to be overwhelming. I always choose the easy way when it comes to cooking - lots of "instant" sides (mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing) and just a few other simple tasks. Our oldest son carved the turkey for the first time and did great. We missed our youngest, who is stationed back east and hasn't been here for Thanksgiving for years. My parents mentioned Visuddha once, which was nice, and asked after Jackson as well.

One of our nephews stopped by one evening and he asked after me, as he knows how special Visuddha was to me, which was very sweet.

I still carry Visuddha's keychain and have a screensaver of his pictures on my computer here at home. While I was preparing dinner, I can see my screen and stopped to think of him a time or three, just watching the pictures.

I was hit with a bout of tears yesterday morning. I had been weighing myself, then the two of us, almost daily last month to be sure he was keeping up his weight. When I saw the scale this time, I had his keychain in my hand and thought about weighing us together... I didn't, but it reminded me of those moments. It seemed like a weird thing to miss, but then I always took a minute and we looked at each other in the mirror, cuddling so close after his weigh-in. He was so patient and lovable in those moments. That isn't weird at all. He was my baby dog and I miss him so much.

Jackson is doing well, though I really don't think he would want us to get another dog. He's always been more of a people dog than a dog dog, if that makes sense. He was socialized when he was younger but notsomuch for the past few years, so now he's not sure what to do around other dogs. Besides, I kind of like being able to focus on just him (and the kitty). I've looked a few times but haven't done anything more than that. We'll see if that changes in the days and months to come, but for now, we'll just take each day as it comes... as a one dog family.

[DoxieMama]

Hey Visuddha... did you see what happened yesterday? As I was getting ready to leave for work, I was chatting with my coworker and put my hands in my pockets. I noticed something at the bottom of my pocket so I turned it inside out and ... ohmygosh buddy! Your ashes are coming out of the keychain! So much for that idea! :( I wrapped up the keychain in a tissue and put it on the shelf next to your box when I got home.

You're always by my side and in my heart, baby dog. I love you and miss you every day.

[molly muffin]

I think Leslie was the one who mentioned once that you can get ashes done into a necklace. I don't remember the details but wonder if that might be another option.

8 does sound about right for Thanksgiving, not too much, not too little.

[WeLoveAthena]

Hey Visuddha... did you see what happened yesterday? As I was getting ready to leave for work, I was chatting with my coworker and put my hands in my pockets. I noticed something at the bottom of my pocket so I turned it inside out and ... ohmygosh buddy! Your ashes are coming out of the keychain! So much for that idea! :( I wrapped up the keychain in a tissue and put it on the shelf next to your box when I got home.

You're always by my side and in my heart, baby dog. I love you and miss you every day.

Shana. Just saw this. My hubby had a locket made for me the night he picked the urn for our girl Spyndal. I couldn't do any of it but he saw this one Urn and just knew it was the perfect one for her and next to it was some other items..he saw a matching locket. It's an antique brass. The man at Sacred Paws, a godsend to us that night and to many people who come to him from out of 3 different states....was able to put some of her ashes in the locket and it has not left me since he prepared it for me shortly after he took care of Spyndals remains. It's beautiful and sealed shut. Maybe look into a locket. I'll see if I can find you a link to a similar one or the same one and I'll send it to you. XOXOXO

[WeLoveAthena]

Shana. Just saw this. My hubby had a locket made for me the night he picked the urn for our girl Spyndal. I couldn't do any of it but he saw this one Urn and just knew it was the perfect one for her and next to it was some other items..he saw a matching locket. It's an antique brass. The man at Sacred Paws, a godsend to us that night and to many people who come to him from out of 3 different states....was able to put some of her ashes in the locket and it has not left me since he prepared it for me shortly after he took care of Spyndals remains. It's beautiful and sealed shut. Maybe look into a locket. I'll see if I can find you a link to a similar one or the same one and I'll send it to you. XOXOXO


Ok..I could only find mine online at this place in Vegas but we are on the east coast. It's the 3rd one from the left on the top row. The Antique brass one. I love it. It's very beautiful in person.

http://www.lasvegaspetcremation.com/category/keepsake-cremation-urn-jewelry.html

If you PM me, and are on the east coast you may be able to get one from the Kevin who took care of us at where we took Spyndals remains....it's sealed tight and no chance of ever losing them or coming apart. My locket matches her Urn.

[WeLoveAthena]

I took Visuddha to the vet at 4:30 this afternoon. He saw him, heard his breathing, listened to his heart and nodded. It was congestive heart failure.

Letting him go was the hardest and the best decision I ever made for him.

My heart is absolutely crushed.


Visuddha R.
October 31, 2002 - November 4, 2016
I love you, baby dog. Always and forever.

Our girl passed ( we had to let her go too. Not Cushing's -Our Lab is the one with Cushing's..Spyndal could no longer walk. She was on mega pain meds and had been doing fairly well till Halloween and then it was down hill until we let her go on November 11. We would have let her go on Halloween but our old vet said she was okay, and her labs were ok and it wasn't time. We trusted our vet but she was dead wrong. We later found out when we got her records..she wasn't okay. Her labs were awful...we second guessed ourselves as over-reacting and gave it more time and that haunts us. We got 11 more days but at what cost. We can't forgive ourselves for trusting that vet. Before we took her to the Emergency Vet Clinic which were total angels and awesome to us..we took her for ice cream, her fave hamburger and more. We had to carry her in and out of the house to use the bathroom. She sat down one final time and wouldn't move and we took her to the emergency vet ( we left our vet of 6 years long story but it had to to with Spyndal and Athena) We promised Spyndal a great life and when it was her time to let her go peacefully and with dignity and that's what we did. It broke our hearts in pieces. We both stayed with her the whole time and afterwards wrapped her in her fave blanket which went with her to the rainbow bridge. My husband carried her out to the truck and we took her to the wonderful angel of a man that took care of her remains that night. We are in the midst of our final move so we couldn't put her to rest at this home and are not yet in our perm home until next month so we had to have her ashes done. It was so hard but we can now have her with us always. Our guy that took care of her was awesome. He only does one pet at a time and people come from 3 states to our state to see him because of his integrity and how honorable he is with animals. We were so grateful to have him. So my friend you and I are going through this at the same time. It's so hard I know but you are not alone and if you need me send me a msg here and I'm here for you. I know our pups met up and are buddies up there in doggy heaven...we'll see them again one day.. XOXO We did the right thing Shana. Our level of love allowed us to let our doggies go with peace and honor but we know it hurts.....it hurts so much..

[DoxieMama]

That is a beautiful locket. I was under the impression that the keychain I got was also supposed to be sealed tight the same as the locket. Thanks for the link. I'm not going to get a locket, but I am going to contact the place I got my keychain and let them know what happened.

You're absolutely right that we did the right thing. They had a great time with us, and then were allowed the dignity and peace they deserved when it was time. Their pain is gone, and ours lingers. But we knew it when we let them into our hearts... some day, that is all we will have of them. That place in our hearts, and our memories. It is the most achingly beautiful feeling in the world.

[Squirt's Mom]

Oh how awful to find the ashes in your pocket! :( That would have sent me into a tailspin. I wish you could see the pendant I had made from Squirt's ashes. It is gorgeous! The ashes are enclosed in glass. This is his Facebook page and it should show his cover photo even if you aren't a FB member. He also include a round piece that does not have a bail but is for carrying in your pocket, etc.

https://www.facebook.com/dwayne.pendants

Several other people do this sort of work and you can find by googling - a friend used Dwayne for his so I did as well and am quite happy with the results.

[DoxieMama]

My heart is not in the season this year;
I think it's because you are not here.
You wouldn't be happy about the cold or the snow,
you'd bury your head in the blankets below.
I'm happy that you are now whole and complete,
but think of you daily and my heart skips a beat.
Until we meet again...
Mama

[Squirt's Mom]

(((((((((((((((((manyempathetichugs))))))))))))))

[rainiebo]

A very beautiful way to express your love for V.

[Harley PoMMom]

((((Hugs)))) from me too.

[Whiskey's Mom]

Shana, such beautiful words. We have Whiskeys little happy meal Visuddha right on our bookshelf so I think of you every time I look at it. Hugs to Jackson too

[DoxieMama]

Shana, such beautiful words. We have Whiskeys little happy meal Visuddha right on our bookshelf so I think of you every time I look at it. Hugs to Jackson too

Thank you, Annie. That makes me smile. :)

I've been rather negligent of some things at home for the past 6 weeks. I bring in the mail, opening bills but leaving all the rest in a pile. This morning, I took a few minutes to go through that pile. Most of it was junk though there was one bill (auto paid so no biggie) ... and a card from the vet, with a personal note from him and some of the other staff. So sweet and thoughtful. They've sent the cards for our other pets who passed before but they didn't have the personal notes like this.

You were a special unique little boy, Visuddha. My baby dog.

I have looked at the available pups at the local shelters and through Petfinder a few times now. There are a couple little girls at the Humane Society that I saw last night. They sure have cute pictures. I don't think either I, or Jackson, are ready yet. Maybe.

[molly muffin]

Hi Shana, I just wanted to check in with you as the holidays are upon us and wish you all the best.

[DoxieMama]

Thank you, Sharlene. I hope your holidays are blessed!

[rainiebo]

Happy New Year to all of us and our furbabies! Hoping 2017 is a blessed and prosperous new year for us all !

[DoxieMama]

Thank you. Happy New Year right back atcha!

I haven't been around here too much, with the holidays and whatnot. Depending on what happens this weekend, that may not change... I might even have less time!!

Psstt... Visuddha... can you keep a secret, buddy? I've been looking at the local shelters and rescue groups lately.

There is a big pup up north that I have to talk to Dad about but I think he'll be okay with him. Then I have to take Jackson up to make sure they'll get along okay. The lady at the shelter thinks he is about a year old and about the same size as Jackson. Maybe we will be able to go up this weekend to meet him. It will be a BIG test for Jackson, to see how he will get along with another boy. Maybe you can let Jackson know if you approve, then I'm sure he will too. But it's a secret so don't tell anybody yet!!

Whelp - Dad didn't agree after all. We're going to keep an eye out for a GIRL!

[molly muffin]

How exciting to be considering adding a new member to the family.

Hopefully Jackson will like him. I'm sure Visuddha will approve. :)

[judymaggie]

Shana -- I am thrilled for you that you made the decision to look for a new pal for you and Jackson! I am sure that Visuddha is looking down with approval. :D

[molly muffin]

And did you take a drive this weekend by any chance????? Inquiring minds want to know. :)

[DoxieMama]

Nope, no drive. My husband thinks that if we are going to get a second dog "for Jackson" then it should be a girl, and closer to his age. I think I would prefer a younger dog but I am not really interested in potty training so I am not really sure. And I don't know if Jackson would even want another dog around... he is so spoiled now as the only one. Sometimes I wonder if he would like one to play with but then I think of how much more work it would be for me, and if he doesn't like them then.... I am back to thinking that maybe I won't get a second dog. *shrug* For now though I just need to get over this flu/cold I've been fighting for a week. That, along with all the snow lately, means poor Jackson hasn't gotten to go for a walk since last Wednesday. There's no way I could deal with a new dog now.

Sorry, am whining a bit. Bottom line - no new dog now. Maybe not for a while.

[molly muffin]

It isn't an easy decision to make thats for sure and definitely not when you are feeling lousy from a cold/flu. There has been one going around here for awhile too. People get it and then they get over it, just to get it again. (maybe a different virus the next time) I know the senior homes have really been hard with them.

Ice and dog walking is not fun. Snow yes, although molly always had to search to find that perfect spot much harder when snow as on the ground. She did love to run and play in it though. Much the mess afterwards.

Maybe some play dates for Jackson to see how he interacts with other dogs. Interested or not. Playful or bored. Girl or boy.

[Joan2517]

Rethink it when you are feeling better...puppies are exhausting!

Every time my husband complains about Sibbie doing what puppies do, I take great satisfaction in reminding him that that should have been something to think about before surprising me with a puppy.

I do love her to pieces, though...

[DoxieMama]

Yeah we have had quite the flurry of cold/flu around here. Lots of people sick at work, or working from home when able. Flu is epidemic in the county now. It's really bad this year.

Only reason Jackson hasn't been out walking is because I've been sick. We don't go when it's actively raining or really cold AND windy but otherwise have been really consistent about our morning walks - even when the temperature is 10F. It's been a great time for the two of us to bond, with more training than he's had in years. I can't wait until springtime though so we can do more things outside. I really want to take him camping. We never could go with Visuddha because he was so loud and didn't like other dogs much. Jack hasn't had many opportunities for friends for a few years so I really hope we can get back to the dog park. He used to enjoy it so, with one friend in particular - a boy his age that came with a former coworker of mine. Unfortunately she no longer has him.

Play dates are a good idea. A couple of my good friends at work each have a dog - one a girl and the other a boy. Both about the same age, if I remember right. Maybe in the spring we can get them together, separately.

He did have one play date when my youngest was home in September. They went to one of his friends where they had a girl who was about a year old, I think. Of course I wasn't there so didn't get to see their interaction but from what I remember, she was a bit more ... aggressive? than he is. I remember my son saying that she did something (growled? barked? not mean, just playful) and he looked at her like "What's your problem?" LOL Being younger she was also a LOT more energetic than he was. Probably didn't help that they went over at like 9pm, when is normally when we go to bed. :rolleyes:

Joan, I like the idea of a puppy... until I think about the work involved. :p

[rainiebo]

I'm thinking you're right about a new playmate for Jackson. Bobo lost his brother last year. Sparkey was his littermate. They were inseparable. Now Bobo is 13 and really picky about any other dog he wants near him. Some younger dogs have too much energy and he snarls if they get in his space. If another dog is real docile and gives Bobo his space, then he'll play. But each dog is different. Hope you feel better real soon !

[DoxieMama]

Three months, buddy. I can't believe you've been gone for three months.

Dad is working days now (yay) but we got into an argument his first night home ... kind of because of that (oops). I still want to get another dog, but I told him I was thinking maybe a smaller one - a lap dog. He doesn't think getting another dog is a good idea since now we are both gone all day and that is enough stress for Jackson. He's right, you know. And when I really think about it, I don't really want another dog. I just want you back.

I miss you.

[rainiebo]

Hi Shana, in reading the posts, it seems that you have come a long way in your journey without Visuddha. It looks like you are making well thought out decisions for what is best for Jackson and your family. Sometimes when you're missing your sweet Visuddha, it's hard to make good decisions. I missed Sparkey's sweet presence, and it was like someone was missing from our family. I still cry a little a year later when I see pictures and remember his little "quirks." But, I'm here to tell you that after awhile these rememberings become bitter sweet and you'll feel better. Blessings to you, Jackson, and Visuddha's dad.

[Whiskey's Mom]

Oh Shana I can't believe it's been 3 months! I miss reading about all of V's cute little stories. I'm sure someday the time will be right for another dog. Sending you a big hug and reading through your thread tonight in loving memory of sweet Visuddha.

[DoxieMama]

Raina, thank you. What surprised me is that I didn't realize I was still missing Visuddha so much. I KNEW I wasn't trying to replace him... but deep down I really was.

Annie... thank you. I will be doing the same, reading through the thread... some day. I just can't do that yet. Maybe when I can do that, will be the way I know I'm ready for another. :)

[Joan2517]

Just wanting V back...yep. I love Sibbles and I am really happy I have her, but she is not Lena. I doubt there will ever be another one just like her. I don't want another one just like her. I want HER back.

I try to read through her thread thinking I might find some peace and wind up sobbing. These past few weeks, I've been reading what was going on, on that day last year. So many ups and downs.

I look through her pictures and I can see how much she changed. I couldn't see it as it was happening, but I can clearly see it now. To me she was always my tiny little girl, even as she got older, my beautiful baby.

I think Jackson needs you now, Shana. He knows you are still sad and he wants to be the one to make you smile, laugh and love. He needs to comfort you...that's his job now.

Hugging you from Long Island...

Joan

[Harley PoMMom]

Sending you huge and loving hugs.

[Budsters Mom]

Rosie joined my family 5 days after Buddy passed. She did not replace him, because he is irreplaceable. However, she did help restore my sanity and my need to nurture. Toward the end, Buddy consumed every waking thought and needed an incredible amount or care. Care I would happily still ve doing just to have him with me. Once he passed, it all came to a screeching halt and I no longer had a purpose. I had no idea what to do with myself. The grief was overwhelming. Rosie arrived a whopping 3.2 pounds of puppy love. She needed a mommy and I needed to be needed. She made me get up and function, therefor saving me from myself.

Jackson needs you now. Yes, you want Visuddha back and that won't change. For now, smoother Jackson with all the love you have to offer. It is his time to shine.

Hugs,

[Squirt's Mom]

I SO relate to needing to be needed and losing that purpose in life after Squirt passed. She saved my life when my daughter passed and when Squirt passed everything came rushing back that had been held at bay taking care of her. I already had other babies but they were in pretty good shape and while they needed love and care, they didn't need me in the way Squirt had. Working in rescue with those babies who had special needs or were hospice babies helped a great deal. People would say they couldn't take a dog they knew was dying and didn't understand how I could...but that filled a hole in my Soul. I needed those babies as much as they needed me. But after a couple of years of doing that, it did take a toll so I took a break...then Brick started going down hill and now Trink has all her problems coming on suddenly. So the care-taking continues...just with my own babies again. Maybe I have a mental illness since all that seems to give me purpose! :D Of course, there are MANY other signs of that, too! :p:D:p

It has been a short while since your precious boy had to leave. You haven't really had time to process that loss and grieve as you may need to. So don't rush into another baby. Give yourself time and give Jackson your time...he may have some healing abilities to give you. ;) You are right where you are supposed to be - grief is a journey, a very personal journey, unique to each of us. Just remember we are here anytime you need to talk, cry, whatever.

Hugs,
Leslie and the gang

[molly muffin]

I bet we all understand exactly what you mean. I know I've said it myself. I want my molly back and looking at others on rescue pages, just sort of is a kick in the stomach that none of them are her. I look at same breed, then at other breeds, white then black. Sometimes I can't look at all. All that leads me to know in my logic place that I'm not ready. I want to be, but I'm not.
I think it is a place that most of us go and how we deal with it and what we decide is going to be unique to each of our situations. There is no right and no wrong, it's whatever is best for you and your family.
HUGGERS

[Joan2517]

My husband knew that and that's why he didn't give me a choice. I'm a sucker for anything that needs me.

Sibbie is nothing like Lee, but she was a baby and I am "Mommy overload"...I have cried for Lena every day for almost a year, but I could never turn my back on a baby who needs a mommy.

Lena knew that...she never was jealous of any additions to the family. She knew I loved her more than anything, and that I would have to take care of all the others. She always was an angel..., my darling, baby girl.

[DoxieMama]

Hi buddy. Facebook reminded me that today is the anniversary of the first day of our Cushing's journey. One year ago today, I took you in for blood tests because you were drinking so much water and having accidents in the house. You'd been having accidents for quite a while, but I didn't take you in before this day because I figured it was just from aging, until a friend from work mentioned the possibility of diabetes. After your gluttonous weekend (with a trip to the ER) and a follow-up call from the vet, I had to take you in to see what was going on.

As I said though, that was only the beginning of our journey. A journey that only took 8 months, yet some days seemed to have been an eternity.

Oh, baby boy. I sit at my computer desk in the mornings now, with your buddy Leeloo in my lap where you used to lay. She started jumping onto my desk a couple weeks ago, I think, meowing at me as if to ask if it was okay. The first few times she climbed into my lap, it was awkward and sometimes painful. She always seems to need her claws clipped so I got more than a few pokes and scratches, followed by tossing her onto Dad's chair. But now she's more careful and gentle. Today, I think she was in my lap for a few minutes before it registered that she was there.

Shoot. I gotta run. Dad and I are carpooling today so I have to leave early.

Miss you baby dog.

[Joan2517]

December 7, 2015 for me and Lee. That's when the panic set in. We went for exactly the same reasons you did with Visuddha...seems like a million years ago. Such a long time not to have held her.

Keeping you in my thoughts today, Shana...

[DoxieMama]

You've been gone for 6 months. I've had your picture on Facebook for six months. Last night I changed it... to a younger picture of you, from when we went hiking in the hills behind the house. (Edited to add link: http://k9cushings.com/forum/album.php?albumid=1089&pictureid=8248) Do you remember that day? It was our very first hiking trip that year, our first time up those hills. I carried you for a while because the hills were so steep and dusty, and we didn't want to run out of water. It was SO hot that day, we probably shouldn't have attempted that steep hike. But you were a champ and I just love your happy face in that picture.

Maybe we can take Jackson up there this weekend. I'll be thinking of you, as I do often. My baby dog.

You are always in my heart little one.

[Joan2517]

Awwww, Shana...six months. Sending big hugs to you.

[molly muffin]

6 months feels like yesterday and yet a life time. Weird how that works isn't it.

I am sure Jackson will love that walk in the hills too. Take some pictures of it. Creating new memories to add to the ones you have.

[DoxieMama]

Super weird dream last night...

I was out on a walk with Jackson and ran into a lady from my vet's office (though in reality, I have never met this person before and she does NOT work with my vet -- no idea who this stranger really is). Anyway, she offered her condolences for Visuddha's passing and I told her it was okay, as I had him re-animated. :) (Obviously I had not had his body cremated, instead choosing to bring him back to life through some unknown magic.) Her expression then changed; she appeared quite distraught :eek: though was obviously struggling to maintain her composure. She suggested that I take V in to the vet and have him check him out, to make sure there were no "lingering effects". I hadn't considered that there might be... I told her I appreciated her advice and would be sure to do that. But V behaved normally, in fact, better than I remember. He was absolutely perfect, and there were zero symptoms of any illness.

I woke up and wondered what I had just dreamt! :confused:

In typing this out, reading and editing, I would like to think that I got a glimpse of my baby dog for real. He is perfect. Healthy, happy, the best boy.. just waiting to spend time with me again. :D

Happy tears.

[Joan2517]

That's what it sounds like to me, Shana...he came to see you to let you know he was okay. How sweet!

[Harley PoMMom]

I know most times my dreams seem strange, but in your dream, I also think V was letting you know that he is ok!

[molly muffin]

I'm going to go with V is doing great where he is at and is perfect and happy.
:) :) :)

Dreams can be so weird sometimes. The ones that are super close to that waking period so that you remember them are some of the strangest. My husband always says I dream epics instead of just fragments. :)

This has to be V's way of letting his momma know he's okay now.

[DoxieMama]

Hi Baby Dog... I was just thinking of you this morning and wanted to pop in and leave a message for you here. Thank you again for your sweet message in May... my heart is so much happier after that.

I bet you have been watching us with the new puppy. We named her Kira, and she is quite a handful! Just over a year old, a little smaller than Jackson and ohmygoodness is she FAST!! We let them off leash in the church yard this morning again. Jackson started running, she saw him and raced after and caught him. He turned and started barking and going for her front legs, so she turned around and ran away. I think they wiped each other out with all the racing. :)

Dad said they were pretty good together yesterday. A little growling here and there but no scuffles. There was one scuffle last night when she came up to me while I was petting Jackson, saw the looks but was too late to redirect when he took after her. It was short and no harm done, they just need more time to adjust. :)

Love you and miss you tons, baby dog. You're always in my heart.

[Whiskey's Mom]

Awww Shana, I still have the little Doxie from Whiskey's Happy Meal on my bookshelf, so I think of you guys often. Kira sounds like a sweetie, I'm sure V would approve, in his own way!;)

[DoxieMama]

It has been nine months since I let you go, Visuddha. I found this poem online a couple weeks ago and thought it worth saving here in your thread.

I love you forever, baby dog.


May I Go?

May I go now?
Do you think the time is right?
May I say goodbye to pain filled days
and endless lonely nights?
I've lived my life and done my best,
an example tried to be.
So can I take that step beyond
and set my spirit free?
I didn't want to go at first,
I fought with all my might.
But something seems to draw me now
to a warm and living light.

I want to go
I really do.
It's difficult to stay.
But I will try as best I can
to live just one more day.
To give you time to care for me
and share your love and fears.
I know you're sad and afraid,
because I see your tears
I'll not be far,
I promise that, and hope you'll always know
that my spirit will be close to you
wherever you may go

Thank you so for loving me.
You know I love you too,
that's why it's hard to say goodbye
and end this life with you.
So hold me now just one more time
and let me hear you say,
because you care so much for me,
you'll let me go today

Written for a beloved pet & friend by Susan A. Jackson

[Joan2517]

Awww, Shana...what a beautiful poem. I can't believe it's been nine months. Lena will be a year and a half in a couple of weeks...so long to be without the ones we love.

[molly muffin]

i don't know if I like the way the time seems to creep up on us. 11 months here in a few days that Molly has been gone. I'm really dreading that one year mark. It's going to be a downer for sure.

The poem is beautiful. These heart felt poems always make me cry.