Re: Holidays can be hard...
In all honesty, this has been the most difficult Season since my daughter passed away in ’06. Letting Tasha go around the same time just added to. Memories of family and babies gone before have been so close, bringing both tears and laughter. And about the time I was getting my feet back under me, the shooting at Sandy Hook occurred. There are no words to describe what that did to my Soul. All I could think about was those poor parents who would open closets and look under beds to see presents that would never be opened. I know about those presents. I still have those presents.
Gia and I collected ornaments throughout her lifetime. Every Dec. 26th, we were standing in line at the crack of dawn in front of high end stores we could never afford to shop in, our Christmas money clasped tightly in hand. We would gather all the ornaments that we liked, then go off by ourselves with our cart and sort them, choosing the ones we could afford to buy with great excitement. Once home, they would be lovingly packed away with the rest, anticipating next year when they would hang on our tree. Most of the ornaments we bought were glass and quite fragile, and there are those we made as well as some from when my mom was young. When Gia’s oldest son was born, we used those ornaments his first Christmas then put them away until he was older. We got soft, unbreakable ornaments to use meantime.
This year, I was able to put up the Glass Tree. It is set in my bedroom at the foot of the bed where I can see the ornaments we gathered over the years. Every night I turn the lights on and feel my child near for a little while. One of Tasha’s beds is lying under the tree where she left it and that seems fitting. I allow the sorrow to come in all its manifestations then light a candle in gratitude to honor my Beloved Dead. Each was a gift, each brought many Blessings, and each has taught this old bag of bones about living as a Spiritual being.
My Journey will one day end as well and I hope they find me worthy of the Blessings they so freely gave. Until that day, I will continue to mourn and celebrate their lives in equal measure to the best of my ability.
"May you know that absence is full of tender presence and that nothing is ever lost or forgotten." John O'Donahue, "Eternal Echoes"
Death is not a changing of worlds as most imagine, as much as the walls of this world infinitely expanding.