Re: My sweet beagle Maia passed away last week
When the doctor told me Lena needed to see a cardiologist and the only one close was the Animal Medical Center in the city, I was in shock. Taking the LIE into the city is a nightmare and there is so much traffic, I knew she would probably die on the way. I went to bed trying to think of what I should do. I knew in my heart that I would need to put her out of her misery and had pretty much made up my mind that that was what I would do. How I wish I had been able to make that decision while I was there in the ER with her that night instead of thinking I would pick her up in the morning the way I had done the day before. It still kills me that she died without me; did she wonder where I was? did she think I abandoned her? should I have known that she would die?
I miss her every day. There are so many memories and so much guilt. Should I have treated her? Did I rush into it without knowing anything about the disease? Should I have trusted my my vet? Was 30mg too much for her? Why didn't I realize sooner that she had Cushing's?
All I know is that I loved her with all my heart, she had a wonderful life. We spoiled her terribly, she was my baby and I will never love another the way I loved her. I love them all, but it was different with her. It was like she sensed every mood and responded to it. She could always make me feel better and I hope I did the same for her. I remember sitting on the steps of the deck in the middle of the night in the freezing cold when she would have to go out. I would watch her make her way to the rose garden and jump up the one step into it, then jump back down and make her way to me so that I could pick her up because she couldn't do the deck steps anymore. And she knew I would be there for her; that I would take care of her; and do what I could. So I hope that in her final moments she knew that I would've been there if I had know she was going to leave me....
Everything you're going through, all the questions, the searching for answers just means that you loved her with all your heart; that she was a special dog and she knew it. Even if you find what you're looking for, it won't change the fact that she's gone and that you miss everything about her...that's what love is.
Everything I did for her, I did with the knowledge I had at the time.
Joan, mom to my Angel Lena, Angel Gable, Angel Phoenix, Angel Doree, Cooper, Sibble, and now Raina.