So very sad

[Harley PoMMom]

Dearest Dawn,

I echo everything Marianne has said so eloquently. We will always be here for you and if at any time you feel the need to express your feeling whether they be happy or sad, please do come here and talk to us.

Sending huge and loving hugs,
Lori

[Joan2517]

Same here, Dawn...I am still struggling with all my doubts. I loved Lena more than anything and there are days that I still go over and over and over it all.

I did have a session with Melissa and it did help. I don't know if you tried yet, but it might help you a little. Sometimes in my deepest despair, I go back over some of the things she told me and I feel better for a while. I may have to ask for another session as the holidays are coming up, which my darling girl always loved. Just the thought of going through them without her is already making me dread them.

But I have two grandsons looking forward to them and my other dogs need me, as does the new puppy my husband blind-sided me with. Sibbie is going to be 10 months old in a couple of weeks and makes me smile in spite of my missing Lena so much...she also got me off the couch where I was hiding for weeks after Lena died. My other guys were fine just cuddling up on the couch and listening to me cry or watching me sleep, since I couldn't face reality while I was awake.

Try Melissa if you haven't already...sometimes when we are so close to our furbabies, we can feel them with us if we know what to look for.

Sending loving and comforting thoughts your way, dear Dawn.

Joan

[labblab]

Hi Dawn, it’s me again <Waving!>

I have been thinking a lot about you and your baby ever since you posted your reply, and I've also thought about myself, too. It has helped me realize some things about myself that may end up being a help to you, too, and so I'll pass them on.

I've known there has been a difference in how I’ve felt since losing Peg, compared to losing my Cushpup Barkis. I grieve for both, but it is Barkis for whom I still carry guilt. Peg’s decline was gradual and age-related. I didn’t have to make any hasty decisions until the very end, and I had time to say good-by in lots of little ways over several months. I miss her dearly, but my grief for her is pure and uncomplicated, if that makes sense. With Barkis, it was so very different. He got so sick so fast. I hardly knew about Cushing’s then, and I know I made mistakes that I’d do differently now. I was so frantic at the end that I wasn’t able to find any calm or peace, or to really even say good-by. Suddenly, he was just gone, and my grief was compounded a hundred times over by my guilt over making decisions that I desperately wanted to do over.

What made it even harder for me was that nobody around me would even let me talk about my regrets. Whenever I started up, they all told me I was a wonderful mom -- that nobody could have done better. But I knew that I had made mistakes, and I still believe that’s true to this day. For the most part, after twelve years, I’d tucked that away. But I started thinking about that more yesterday. And Dawn, I finally found some peace for myself and I hope maybe I can give you some peace, too.

What I finally realized yesterday, after all these years, is that both things can be true at the same time. I truly was a good mom, regardless of how things turned out. Just like for you and your baby, Barkis and I also shared a perfect love. But even though our love was perfect, there’s no way I could be perfect in all my thoughts and actions. That is impossible for any human being. And no matter what anybody else tells me, I know I made mistakes in some of my decisions for him. I messed up. But I never made one single mistake in loving Barkis. And realizing that has finally made it easier for me to forgive myself for the things I did do wrong. All I ever wanted was the best for him, and I did the best I could humanly do at the time.

It may be true that you made mistakes, too, Dawn. But all of us here know, without a single doubt, that your love for your baby was perfect. And that was the most important thing of all, and it will always remain so. I hope the day will come when you can forgive yourself for any mistakes, too. Your baby brought such joy into your life, and that’s the way she’ll want you to feel when you think back on your lives together. All the things you did perfectly right because you, too, were a wonderful mom who loved your baby dearly. If you can believe and accept that, I know it won't make you miss her any less. But maybe it will help you forgive yourself for the things that did go wrong. Your baby never would have blamed you in the first place, Dawn, and I hope you can forgive yourself, too.

Marianne

[Joan2517]

Beautifully said, Marianne....you have a way with words that touch the heart.

[mommyslittlegirl]

I am sorry it has taken me a couple of days to come back and say thank you. I tend to be an emotional person. Thank you Marianne for your beautiful and so sweet first reply. It made me cry. Yes, my baby and I had a perfect love. And maybe she did indeed send me the double rainbow on the day she left. We were two hearts but beat as one. Thank you Lori. It is comforting to know there is a place we can all come to talk about our feelings. Whether it be happy or sad. Joan, I thank you for your loving thoughts. I read your post from the time you first came on until you lost your baby. . . It is so easy to see how much you loved her and still do. . Thank you Sonja, when my baby left, you were here for me and continue to be. You took time to support and send comforting words to me. Marianne, in your last post you said you still suffer from guilt with your Cushing baby Barkis. I have read others say this also. I know you were a great mom to him, the perfect love as I had with my baby. I know you are trying to help me ease my guilt. And that means a lot to me. I have no regrets in our life together until the last 4 years. From the moment I saw her, I loved her. We were as children, running and playing, than going to parks, camping, festivals, shopping in stores, she even went in an ice cream shop and we shared ice cream. Vanilla. In the Fall I showed her pumpkins and went to lost Maples State Park and played in the leaves. So many more thing we shared. When she got Cushings ? so many, many mistakes were made. First was the MRI. In the beginning she had shakey legs. The vets said we would do the mri after they stabilized her on trilostane. Than they said she might not make it through the mri and if she did , she would not be a candidate for surgery. That was the beginning of many, many mistakes. . All from a well known Texas college. So, that is why I suffer so much guilt. I was my babies voice, but I could not stand up to them. To mild and weak .. I know she would not blame me. . I know what she would say. She would say " Mommy don`t cry. I loved you and you loved me. We had a wonderful life together." Maybe one day I can forgive myself ,maybe.

[molly muffin]

That is a beautiful life Dawn. It's amazing isn't it, how they change our lives and bring so much joy into it.
Their love for us is quite pure. There is no guilt in it, there is no what if's, there is only the here and now and the joy, whether it be jumping in leaves together, or snuggling up on the couch watching a movie and having a nap.
That is what makes it so special and also makes it so hard to save good bye to.

[labblab]

Oh Dawn, your life with your baby sounds so sweet! No wonder you miss her so. I loved reading about all the things you did together. I also was so glad to hear you say that maybe one day you'll be able to forgive yourself. From my own experience, I know it will take time and it is not anything you can force. But opening the door even a tiny crack in order to let in the possibility is truly a huge step forward. I am very proud of you, Dawn. I really, really am.

[mommyslittlegirl]

Thank you .

[mommyslittlegirl]

Baby, I tried to write yesterday but every time I tried , the tears came and I could not finish. It has been a year since you had to leave me. This last year has been the longest , sadness and most painful year of my entire life. . I love you baby, I miss you so much and I still cry every day for you. Yesterday , I watched films of our happy life together. You came to life and I was happy again. I was smiling and laughing. The sun was shining, we were walking, smelling flowers, playing in the leaves, you chased a bug and pawed at the picnic basket. You always knew how to make me laugh. But Than the film ends and I`m alone again. I started to cry but through the tears I remember what you meant to me. Yes, the guilt is still so much there. Baby, you made me so happy, you showed me true love, you taught me to smile and laugh ,you showed me the world was a fun place to live, you gave me confidence , you taught me compassion, responsibility and even to cook. You loved to eat. And you taught me the final lesson. The pain of death.. . Now, who can teach me to live again with out you ? Mommys little girl. Mommy loves you forever.

[labblab]

Dear Dawn, what a beautiful tribute to your baby girl. The two of you shared a precious love, and I thank you for sharing your sweet memories with us. They made me both smile and cry, too. I am so sorry for your sadness. I know we cannot change that part of things for you. But as tough as it was to put them into words, thank you for sharing these lovely images of your baby. We will always honor her right alongside you.

Sending you many hugs again this day,
Marianne