Oh, Colleen, I sit here with tears streaming down my face. Thru your words I can feel what you did that day because I felt the same the day I realized Squirt had taken all she could, that it was time to let my Sweet Bebe be free. You know it's the right thing, you know this in a place so deep inside that you've never even been aware that place existed until the moment when that realization hits. And oh how it hurts. So badly that you think, "ok...this is the worst", but it's not. The worst is when you have to face that first minute, first second, without that precious presence in your world. And then it hurts so bad you're lost completely, you don't know what to do or if you can do. Times passes somehow but the pain doesn't stop; the agony grows beyond your wildest imaginings. Then one day a thought crosses your mind about your sweet baby and a smile tugs at the corners of your mouth and suddenly you realize that memory brought a sense of pleasure instead of immediate pain and more tears. In the times after, you find you are able to smile a bit more often at the memories you hold so close and then one night you close your eyes to sleep and it hits you - you didn't cry or scream all day. So you cry because you didn't. But those tears are different, in a way they are healing because you now know you will go on, you will survive. Oh, the pain isn't gone, it may never be gone, but you now know it's not going to take you with it. That day will come, I promise. You may still sob 7 years later but that day is in your future. Until then, grieve as you need, cry as you need, scream as you need. Just know you will heal enough to smile again.
Hugs,
Leslie