10 year old female beagle just diagnosed with Cushings - Ginger has passed

[gingerbread]

Why do we have to learn things after the fact? Why couldn't I have been more patient? We don't get a practice pet to learn on... but oh how i wish we did.. coulda, woulda, shoulda haunts me.. is this normal? I lost my patience with my baby a few times, not many, maybe 3 or 4.. why do those stand out like a sore thumb? Why didn't I know better? She couldn't help it... I am so, so sorry!

[Joan2517]

Cushing's guilt...we would get mad at Lena because she would go to the stairs and complain that she couldn't get up...now we know why. I'd get mad at her when she wanted to get up in the middle of the night and go out...now I know why. I'd get upset when she started peeing on the floor when she had never done that...now I know why. I would get hurt when she wouldn't want to sit on my lap or let me cuddle with her...now I know why.

Once I knew why, we always helped her up and down without complaining; I would sit on the deck steps in the middle of the night no matter rain, snow or freezing cold, watching as she made her way around the garden to pee; wee wee pads were the solution to the accidents in the house; I would be ecstatic and enjoy the times she let me cuddle her, and I would put my hand on her under the covers while she slept so she didn't know I was touching her.

I still feel guilty a lot. I should've known something was wrong. I loved her more than anything, how could I not know she was sick?? I have to believe she knew I loved her with all my heart and that if I had known, I would've been more patient. She was my baby and I know she loved me enough to forgive me, if she even noticed.

My big boy Gable has Cushing's now and I try so hard not to get mad at the food obsession, which is driving me crazy; the panting; the looong drinks of water. Thank God he doesn't pee in the house. Only once or twice and it wasn't his fault. I like to think that Lee is guiding me this time around with him and she knows that if I had known as much as I have learned in these last five years, things would have been different with her.

I understand how you feel....

[labblab]

Joan, thank you from the bottom of my own heart for your reply to Colleen. After all these years, I still carry guilt for times when I was impatient with my Barkis, too, even after I *knew* he was sick. Looking back, partly it was because I was just stretched so thin and wasn’t coping very well (my mom had a heart attack at the same time). I think partly it was also because I was actually feeling impatient with myself — I was flailing and couldn’t figure out a way to make him better. I so desperately wanted him to get better and I just wanted him to stop being sick :-((((. Makes no sense, does it. But nothing made sense back then. It just hurt, and those memories still do.

But thankfully there are kinder, happier memories now, as well. And what you’ve written is a great comfort to me, Joan. Surely all the love Barkis and I shared outweighed the bad moments, and always will. He’ll be my bestest boy, forever. I pray he thought I was his bestest mom, too, even with all my flaws. I did love him so, and that will be true forever.

[Joan2517]

I'm sure he knew, Marianne...I don't think they hold grudges. And I can't imagine better moms than those that are on this forum.

[gingerbread]

Thank you both for the reply! We were worn out completely. Ginger was in and out almost every 1-2 hours all day and through the night. We took turns each night, but neither of us were really getting any rest. We were physically, mentally and emotionally drained. We couldn't think straight. We never spoke harsh to her towards the end, even though we didn't know the end was so near. We rarely spoke harsh to her her entire life. There were moments we got frustrated and told her to hurry up and go potty, or told her no when she went to the door. But we would be out with her, come in and sit down and she would be right back at the door. A few times in the last couple years I lost my temper. Once, I was frustrated with other things going on and then I couldn't get her to take her pills that evening and spoke harshly to her. Another time was when she got up in my bed and was trying to scratch all the blankets up and almost fell out of the bed. I told her very firmly to get down, go on.. you're going to get hurt. I look back and can see now that I think I scared her. She didn't know where to go at the moment. After a few minutes, I went over and told her mom loves you. I was just afraid you were going to get hurt. Told her I was sorry.
But I felt like such a heel. I also got angry one night when we had about 6 inches of snow on the ground and the wind chill was below zero. She was walking all over trying to urinate and falling through the crusted snow. After about 15 minutes and freezing at 2 a.m. I just said come on Ginger.. time to go house. Come on, now! You don't need to walk 50 miles just to go potty!
I think mentally I was so spent, I never thought just how hard it was on her, if it was this hard on us! I didn't even think that maybe she was sicker than I thought. Maybe I didn't want to think that. I don't know.. I knew she wasn't eating much. I cooked and tried everything thinking maybe she wanted something different. I knew she needed to eat so her pills didn't upset her stomach. I always, always told her what a good girl she was and how much I loved her, but now I feel like such a failure. I pray she knew I loved her, I pray she didn't remember the times, I got short with her. I know their love is unconditional. I think that is what makes it hurt so..

[gingerbread]

Why can't I get past the "why didn't I"?
Seems it's always new to add regrets!

[labblab]

For me, I think it was partly because I so desperately wanted to change the outcome, at least in my head even though it was impossible in reality. “If only I’d done this (or that), maybe he’d still be with me now…”

As time went on and the reality of my life without him dawned daily, my mind slowly shifted to more simple and pure memories of our lives together. I’d take his collar along with me to the lake for a morning walk; I kept his bath towels neatly folded in the closet; I’d think about him stretched out alongside the bed at night. None of this stopped my tears. They continued to flow, daily. But over time, I did let loose of so many painful regrets. Not all of them, by any means. But their power over me finally started to fade.

This is a poem that has comforted me ever since the day we had to release Barkis’ spirit. He has never failed to return to my mind’s eye and to my heart whenever I have called him. And when he does, there’s no room for regrets. Only love and sweet memories. I believe this morning will be a perfect time for me to call him to join Luna and me on our morning stroll. So off we go, together once again…

We have a secret, you and I
that no one else shall know,
for who but I can see you lie
each night in fire glow?
And who but I can reach my hand
before we go to bed
and feel the living warmth of you
and touch your silken head?
And only I walk woodland paths
and see ahead of me,
your small form racing with the wind
so young again, and free.
And only I can see you swim
in every brook I pass
and when I call, no one but I
can see the bending grass.

Author Unknown

[Joan2517]

That's so pretty, Marianne...I close my eyes and remember what it felt like to kiss her cheek, her belly and the underside of her ears; how she used to sigh contentedly when I held her against my heart; the way she would always have her eyes on me no matter where I was, or what I was doing. Those memories comfort me.

[gingerbread]

For me, I think it was partly because I so desperately wanted to change the outcome, at least in my head even though it was impossible in reality. “If only I’d done this (or that), maybe he’d still be with me now…”

As time went on and the reality of my life without him dawned daily, my mind slowly shifted to more simple and pure memories of our lives together. I’d take his collar along with me to the lake for a morning walk; I kept his bath towels neatly folded in the closet; I’d think about him stretched out alongside the bed at night. None of this stopped my tears. They continued to flow, daily. But over time, I did let loose of so many painful regrets. Not all of them, by any means. But their power over me finally started to fade.

This is a poem that has comforted me ever since the day we had to release Barkis’ spirit. He has never failed to return to my mind’s eye and to my heart whenever I have called him. And when he does, there’s no room for regrets. Only love and sweet memories. I believe this morning will be a perfect time for me to call him to join Luna and me on our morning stroll. So off we go, together once again…

We have a secret, you and I
that no one else shall know,
for who but I can see you lie
each night in fire glow?
And who but I can reach my hand
before we go to bed
and feel the living warmth of you
and touch your silken head?
And only I walk woodland paths
and see ahead of me,
your small form racing with the wind
so young again, and free.
And only I can see you swim
in every brook I pass
and when I call, no one but I
can see the bending grass.

Author Unknown

This is so special.. so touching. Thank you for your words and sharing this beautiful poem.
Last night and today, for whatever reason is extremely hard missing my Ginger.
Big hugs to all.

[Harley PoMMom]

My boy, Harley, has been gone for 10 years now and for me those "what if's and should of" do come back to haunt me every now and then but not often. Those regrets have now been replaced with very fond and happy memories of my precious boy. My Harley was such a frisbee nut, he just loved catching those discs and I loved throwing them for him! He used to "smile" at everyone, I just loved that smile of his, he would wrinkle up his nose and his teeth were exposed, people thought he was going to bite them but that wasn't so, he just loved everybody!

Give yourself time to grieve, my friend, and do not ever be ashamed of that grief, we do understand how you feel and will always be here for you. Sending tons of loving hugs ♥♥

Lori