Beloved Zoe

[apollo6]

Dear Addy
You did the best you could for Zoe. We love our babies so much,that no matter what happens we feel guilt. I know only to well. I am still dealing with it. Try to focus on how you helped Zoe,how she loved you how you did not give up,how you fought a brave battle for her.
Hugs Sonja and Angel Apollo

[Budsters Mom]

((((((((hugs)))))))

[addy]

Thank you Sonja. My head tells me that but my heart does not. They could not even tell me what was happening to her for sure at ER. They thought she threw multiple blood clots, one to her brain, one to her lungs. I knew something was happening to her since Thanksgiving. But no one could find anything wrong. I have to think it was something in her head because everything was always normal but she was not normal at all. It is why I kept saying I dont know what it is I am fighting, it was more than just her leg.

I'm in the guilt stage of grief now.

[apollo6]

Dear Addy
You are probably right. I went through the same with Apollo, for months I kept asking about his stomach/intestinal gurgling and knew something was wrong. Then he started losing weight. I feel the cocktail combination of the ivermectin than changing him to high dosage of advantage(I should never have put him on it) also Solxine for thyroid? destroyed his intestines. A month later taking an ultra sound showing lesions through out his intestines indicating maybe cancer, just like you worried for Zoe? A month before his intestines were fine.
Like Zoe taking him off the Trilostane to increase the cortisone to try to fight other issues was to much. Zoe is not the only one who had such issues. Long term effect of taking these medicines than adding other medicines. The what ifs , the only, should have, would have, could have. We beat ourselves up over it. We try to plug one illness, than another one pops up. We need someone to say you did the best you could. Remember Zoe had a few more years because you tried so hard for her. And along the way there were moments of joy and triumph, even if it was fleeting. Zoe rallied one more time for you at the end. She was and is an amazing little girl. Remember she will always be in your heart and soul. Know that you can come here and we will hold , support you, love you through this grief. You do not have to do this alone. I know only to well. Family does not always give us the support we need, nor the time we need. They feel uncomfortable with it and want your grief to go away,so like me , you take charge of everything again, when you have the right to feel the way you do.
Love Sonja and Angel Apollo

[Bailey's Mom]

Addy, why is it when we can plainly see that we are moving, almost clock-like, right through the stages of grief as we are familiar with them, it doesn't make it any easier to deal with them? If you remember, I want Palmer's last 4-5 day hospital stay back and he should have been at home. I kept telling Ryan...come...no, don't come, he's better.....no you'd better come......and on and on until Ryan finally announced he was coming. Period. It was the right thing to do. We make the best decisions we can make with the information we have at hand. We are fraught with emotion and fear of losing our very, very special loved one. We would do anything and everything for them. We want that they do not suffer but usually there are one or more huge unknowns. There are indicators that give us clues but not answers. Try as we might. Try as hard as we do. Test after test. We cannot get to the core of the problem with certainty. The vets aren't as knowledgeable as we'd like. They often are learning along with us when it comes to Cushings. It is not a black and white situation. It is a very gray situation. At some point their poor little bodies just can't take any more and we finally recognize that and realize we must help them make the transition. They have fought with every ounce of their being trying to stay with us, trying to get better, but the fight cannot continue. And we owe it to them to end their suffering, with love. In no way did you fail her. She knows that. We don't get "do-overs" in life. Instead think of all the right things you did. All of the records you kept. All of the yelling you did on her behalf. All of the knowing not to make more than one change at a time. Making notes so you could look back and remember that you had tried something before and it had not worked....or you had tried something else and it had worked. Think of how you thought to take Koko in to say goodbye. WHO thinks of that?? How you raced home and didn't get a ticket so you could be there as soon as you heard she was more sick. Zoe knows. Zoe feels your love.
This is just hard. Very hard. And that is normal. Sad but normal. You are not alone. I care deeply. I'm still sitting up here.
Love,
Sus

[addy]

crying words of thank you Sonja and Susan

[gatorgirl_bama]

Thinking about you...

Donna

[addy]

Darling Baby Girl,

Not a day goes by without me thinking of you or talking about you. Today at lunch time, I found such a nice picture of you and Grammy. I could not stop smiling at the two you. How time changes things my Zoe.

Daddy took your hamburger from Kokomo. I think it hurt Daddy to see him with it so he hid it again. Koko doesn't seem to mind.

Your birthday is right around the corner but the weather is still so bad, darling, I dont know if we can scatter your ashes. I feel like I need to keep you here anyway. I'm not ready to do it, Zoe.

I love you Zozo, always in my heart. I will never forget my best little girl. We miss you so very much, it does not get any easier with time, no matter how hard we try.

i love you so.

[apollo6]

my dear sweet Addy
everything you are going through is normal. Hold on as long as you need to. You will know when the time is right to let Zoe go. This grief is all to fresh for you to take any action. I am glad you think about sweet Zoe each day.
Hugs Sonja and Apollo
It is to new this grief for you to take any action until you are ready.
Be gentle with yourself. And hubby to.

[addy]

Thank you for the glorious rainbow, my darling.

What a gift Zoe, God gave me when he brought are paths together. You gave me so much.