My baby girl Elliott

[molly muffin]

{{{{{HUGS JEN!!}}}}}

sharlene and molly muffin

[grapey]

Hi there baby dog. I went back to church today but I told your Brian I couldn't go in for the singing. I haven't listened to music, not really, since Dec. 5, the day from hell. I just can't listen to anything remotely emotional. Today I stepped into the lobby and heard a song, so I went out to the car and cried until your Brian texted me to let me know the music was over. Then, after the service, one of Brian's dad's friends said something insensitive. I know he's a good man and means well, but it really hurt. He said I should get another dog to replace you. He actually, seriously, used the word replace! At first I thought he was joking but he wasn't. I am in no way ready to get another dog. I can't even think about that right. I miss you too much. No one can take your place. You were truly a unique, hilarious, wonderful, crazy heeno pup.

I wish you could be here to see me shrinking. I didn't take a monthly photo in January, because such a thing seemed blasphemous with you so sick. But Brian took one today and I could hardly believe that was me. If you were here and feeling like yourself, we could go on such great long walks. I always had to try to wear you out because you had so much energy.

I keep thinking, in my really emotional times, that I hope you know that I did my best in taking care of you. I hope you know that I tried so hard. I'm sorry I couldn't help you like you deserved. I'm so sorry. I hope you can forgive me. I tried so hard. I hope you know how much I loved you--and still love you. Mama loves her baby girl.

[grapey]

Four weeks ago today. Last night was a rough one. I miss you. I'm angry that I lost you at 9. Your birthday is in two and a half weeks. You would have been 10. I'm angry that you died too soon. And I'm angry (not at you) that everything coalesced so that horrible day happened on our wedding anniversary.

Mama loves you and misses you very much.

[grapey]

Hi heeno. Mama misses you and loves you very much. Thank you for being my valentine baby girl all those years.

[grapey]

Hi honey. Saturday was one month. I decided it was time to get rid of the food containers. Yours was halfway full. As I was thinking about this, the strangest, most random thought popped into my head. It was: "I can't get rid of Elliott's food. What if she comes back--she won't have anything to eat." And then I cried and cried. I don't know why that sentence formed itself in my brain.

Anyway, I put your food into a couple gallon ziploc bags, and I threw away the rubbermaid containers. Another step for me. I'm trying to find someone to take your food. I really don't want to just throw it in the trash. I'm hoping someone can use it.

I did keep about a cup of your food in a ziploc bag and put it in the cabinet. Your Brian would probably think that's stupid. But I want to keep a little of that stinky food, because its smell reminds me of you. And it just makes me feel better to have it up there, I don't know why.

I miss you so much.

[grapey]

Hey there baby girl. Sunday was really rough. Your birthday. You would have been 10. I am angry that you didn't live as long as you should have. I miss you so much. I was pretty rude to your Brian on Sunday. I was feeling very emotional. Also on Sunday, I asked him to put away your crate. I was ready. It was hard to see your bed in there all alone. Your crate looked so empty. And now the area under the table looks so empty. I moved a couple things partway under there so it didn't look so bare. Your Brian put your bed in the corner of the living room and put your toys in it. I didn't expect him to do that, but I really like it. I'm so, so sad. I have been very depressed lately. Everything in life feels so blah. I go to my psych nurse on Thurs and I'll tell her all this.

More than almost anything else I hope I see you again.

[molly muffin]

Happy birthday Elliott.

Your momma misses you so much. Please watch over her.

Hugs
Sharlene and Molly muffin

[grapey]

Thank you. I appreciate your words more than you know.

[molly muffin]

Hugs Jen. I know she is still with you.
You may not see her but she is your protective angel.

Sharlene

[grapey]

It's a beautiful day here baby girl. When I walked in the door I automatically said, Hey Heeno. I haven't done that in a while. It surprised me. I was working at the coffee shop, and when I stepped outside it was so nice. And I immediately thought, Elliott would have loved this. We could go for a walk or go to the dog park. Sometimes the reality of you being gone hits me like a wave and I just feel so, so, so sad all over again.

I was thinking, today would be a good day to let Elliott hang out in the backyard by herself for a couple hours. You would run outside and grab the stick that always sat on the patio about one or two feet from the step. (I remember how you brought the stick inside a couple times! You would have done that every time if we hadn't told you to "drop it" If we didn't go out with you, or if we went out for a little but came inside and left you outside, seems like it would only take a few seconds before we'd hear you pushing on the screen door. You did not like to be out there without us Usually, though, you would eventually accept it. I always thought it was fun to look out at you from another window in the house. I would see you in the backyard, and you would be doing your thing, digging at a stick or whatever, and every so often you would turn your head and look at the door, waiting to see if you'd see us. I thought that was hilarious. It was also cute when I'd look outside and see you on the stoop to the garage, basking in the sun. You loved your suns. Then when you'd see me at the kitchen window, or the open door, you'd run for the house. It's so weird to hear the metal squeak of the screen door and not hear your tags jingling at the same time.

I wish you were in here laying on the afghan while I work. Or laying on the footstool, snoozing with your head on your paws. So cute. Or looking out the front window while standing on the arm of the couch.

Mama misses you, baby gir. Mama loves you.