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Thread: In memory of my Caseybug

  1. #1
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    Default In memory of my Caseybug

    I had just joined this site a few days ago before getting the horrible news that My Caseybug's cancer had spread. We are trying to enjoy our final days with our baby. I have decided that she will be euthanized at home, in my loving embrace.does anyone know of any good sites or books to help cope with this loss. I am 32 and have no human children so her loss is hitting me extremely hard. Thank you.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Getting ready to say goodby to my Casey

    Hi sweetie,

    Check out the information at the following link. Also, please know there are those of us here who have been where you are and know what you are dealing with; feel free to talk to us about anything in your heart. We do understand and will be more than happy to share our own experiences with you.

    Hugs,
    Leslie

    Support and Counseling Resources
    http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/showthread.php?t=171
    "May you know that absence is full of tender presence and that nothing is ever lost or forgotten." John O'Donahue, "Eternal Echoes"

    Death is not a changing of worlds as most imagine, as much as the walls of this world infinitely expanding.

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Getting ready to say goodby to my Casey

    I saw that you had posted this reply on our Candlelighting thread, and I hope you won't mind that I moved it here so as to create a new thread that is especially for you and Casey (and if you want the title changed in any way, just let me know). In order for people to be able to read about Casey's journey and diagnosis, here's a link to your original thread:

    http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4787

    My heart aches for you, and I wish there was something I could say to make things easier. I will come back again later on, but in the meantime, I wanted to direct you to this "Resource" thread. It lists some very compassionate websites that may be able to provide you with some information and comfort.

    http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/showthread.php?t=171

    Please know that we will remain by your side in the these coming days, to help in whatever ways we can.

    Sending huge hugs to you and to your sweet Casey,
    Marianne

  4. #4
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    mytil is offline Administrator and always In Loving Memory
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    Default Re: Getting ready to say goodby to my Casey

    Firstly, very big (((hugs))) to you and Casey.

    There are a good many of us who bear the scars of losing a furbaby. I know there is not much that can be said to make it easy on the onset and there will be many days of crying, numbness and second guessing.

    Believe me over time, you will have little warm smiles that will surface through the tears and this will happen more and more. I know your Casey knows you are doing the very best for her and letting her go with dignity.

    Please read through the ILM Resources - it helped me reading .... AND know that we are all here for you and you can talk to many here who understand completely that grieving has no time line and comes in many forms.

    Terry

  5. #5
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    Unhappy Re: Getting ready to say goodby to my Casey

    Thank you so much for your posts again. My thoughts are scrambled, but I will try to make put down some coherent thoughts. Last night I was sure the time had finally come,because the cancer has gone to Casey's brain and liver and started in the adrenal gland I have been guaranteed she is in no pain, however because the cancer is affecting her brain, she has begun to have spasms in the back other head. At the same time a little later like today she is tail wagging and following mommy around, her bright eyed gaze continually locks with mine to ask me what's wrong. When I am having a particularly rough moment she comes over to lay her head in my lap and give me licks, trying to comfort me. To say that I am scared is an understatement, who will give me comfort when she's gone? Who will I talk to & for, (yes, I have always talked for her, when her daddy leaves for work and says bye girls he gets 2 replies, bye honey, bye daddy). That's just one example of when he's here, but I do it when its just the 2 of us as well tho. I'll say something to her and then follow it up with, 'you say .....'. I've said before that our neighbors probably think I'm crazy talking to myself and answering myself, but that is how close our bond is. Another example was at the vet for the ultrasound, I kept telling her she was just gonna get a belly rub, then when she was squirming around and not liking it, I told the three of them, she says 'u guys have no idea what u are doing, because this is the worst belly rub I have ever had' everyone laughed, she usually says funny stuff. I think of when I go get something to eat, whose gonna beg food from me, when I go outside, whose gonna be right beside me, I tell her I am gonna miss all these things. I worry about how I'll react to her beds on each side of ours being gone, but most of all I worry about the grief and the sorrow and not being able to hug her or play with her soft soft ears. I worry about doing it(euthanizing her) too soon, & waiting to long. She has brought me such love and laughter and joy in life that I don't want to wait too long. The end is coming soon within days and I'm terrified of being without her. She has been my constant companion for more than a third of my life and it simply wasn't supposed to end this soon. I keep telling her that as much as I don't want to let her go, God is wanting her back home with him. I keep thanking her for being in my life and making it wonderful and I keep telling her, not to worry, mommy will be okay, eventually. Those are my thoughts now, they may not be as eloquent as others I've read but there mine and she's mine at least for awhile longer. Jill

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Getting ready to say goodby to my Casey

    Dear Jill,

    Your words are so heartfelt and beautiful that I am bawling like a baby reading them. Your love for one another shines through in every single word.

    The only thing I can think to say right now to offer comfort is that thankfully, Casey is unaware of anything other than each moment filled with love. You are the one who is braving the pain for you both. But your baby is spared this knowledge, and that is a mercy.

    But how much this hurts for you! I, too, am a Lab-mom. And I know and love those silky ears and those devoted eyes. My husband and I have no human children, either, and so our dogs are the sole focus of our parental love and care. I am not working now, so my whole day is spent with our doggies, and yes -- we carry on conversations, too. So if you are crazy, I am in the loony bin right alongside you!

    My deepest hope for you is that you'll be able to find a place of strength and peacefulness in your spirit during these coming hours. A place you can retreat to when you are holding Casey and loving her. During the hours before my husband and I released our own Cushpup, I was frantic with grief and worry. I so wish that I could have spent some peaceful time, just holding him. And doing what you are doing with Casey -- telling her how much you love her and what a good dog she is. In honesty, from what you have told us, I don't think there is a time that will be either too soon or too late. A moment will come when youthink to yourself, "it is now," and that will be the time. You know her so well, you will see changes in her that signal the moment when she is in pain or no longer herself and then it will be the right time for you both. The time when you are ready to release Casey's spirit and the time that she will be ready to fly free. I do believe you both will be ready, together.

    And then, afterwards, you'll come back here and talk to us. Because we'll be here for you. We can't change the loss, but we can listen and talk. And I promise we will do that for you.

    Marianne

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Getting ready to say goodby to my Casey

    How do you prepare to say goodbye to half of yourself, and the better half at that? The sound of the tail thwapping against something to make more noise and show our enthusiasm is music to my ears, the squeaking of a toy & sound of our bowl being pushed across the kitchen floor to just to get that last little nonexistent morsel from it, the sound of our breathing in & out, I & out seems to echo with the rhythm of my heart. Its the little things that we are holding onto now. I've had my camera out constantly because although I have taken thousands of pictures throughout our life together, I want just a couple hundred more, and videos too. Her daddy has told me throughout her life that I am so scared of her dying that I hardly let her live. Well, the time has come & I feel woefully unprepared.

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Getting ready to say goodby to my Casey

    Marianne, thank you so much for your heartfelt words I too am not working at the moment, my search has been put on hold and my time is being spent with my little one, I am sure this is an additional reason why I fear an empty house so much, Caseybug has really made our house a home and us a family of three. I always sing silly little songs to her like, just the 3 of us, we can make it if we try just the three of us, you, him and I. Or the original you are so beautiful to me, your everything I ever hoped for... Caseybug always makes fun of me 'oh mommy, I love you I do, but you are a horrible singer':-) after telling her how beautiful she is, I'll ask how's my baby girl and she'll say I'm beautiful how are you? I tell her I'm not as beautiful as you are, but I try. I'm rambling, but those are some of my good memories shining through. I told her last night after literally jumping out of the bathtub, that I was having a brief moment of acceptance and I wanted to share some things with her, I told her who would meet her in heaven, I sang her the, 'if you get there before I do, don't give up on me, I'll meet you when my chores are through, I don't know how long I'll be but I'm not gonna let you down. Darling wait and see cause between now and then till I see you again, I'll be loving you love me, song.' Where previously I've sang how do I live without you song by Leanne Rhymes. I told her that time goes by differently there and not to be worried, she won't even have time to miss mommy and daddy but that I would miss her. I thanked her again for everything that she has given me in life, and told her that in heaven she'll be good as new, no pain in her hips, she can run without fear of retearing her ACL. I also told her that if she has an extra moment to come visit me in my dreams at night to let me know of all the fun she's having. Which was a little contradictory to an early comment but she didn't seem to notice. But most of all I try to give her all the love I have in me so that she knows just how precious she is, I smile as I remember telling her previously, 'you are more precious than diamonds or pearls or any other gem in the world because there is only one of you.' And she would look at her dad and say, 'daddy am I really that precious?" And he would laugh. I think what I am trying to convey here, is that I'm going to miss her so much!
    .

  9. #9
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    Default Re: Getting ready to say goodby to my Casey

    Jill, I am very touched that you are sharing these special parts of your relationship with Casey. Many people in this world have no idea that it is possible to feel this close and this connected to an animal companion. But our members here do understand, and so on your behalf we are also dreading your loss that is to come. Because we know how much it hurts, and how empty your house will feel without Casey beside you.

    I wish I had a good answer to help you through this time. But knowing how my own heart was broken, I'm afraid I don't know any way to make it easier. But although you may not see how, you will survive. Mainly, because you have to. You will still have your life to live, people who love you, and the hours to fill. Over time, you will find a way to do that. I know that probably sounds totally lame, but you will survive and you will find a way to live with the pain. I don't know why dogs' lives are so short in comarison to those of us who love them. They are just special gifts that we are granted for a limited time in this world. And it hurts like heck when they are gone.

    But whenever you are feeling desperate or down, you can always come here and write more about Casey. You can tell us all her story, from the time you first got her. And even though this won't make it hurt any less, I hope there'll be comfort in knowing that we all understand how much she matters, and that she isn't "just a dog." You'll never forget her and what she's given you. And after you've told us about her, we'll never forget her either. And I hope that will help at least a little bit.

  10. #10
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    Default Re: Getting ready to say goodby to my Casey

    Oh Jill, I'm with ya girl....My sweet Bagel was diagnosed the friday after Thanksgiving with Lymphosarcoma and I was told, "weeks"..
    I spent the first week just crying and laying with her and feeling so lost and lonely...and my closest church members prayed for me and for her....and I felt a peace that can't be explained....but I have been able to enjoy her every day so much...being a teacher, I have been home with her for two weeks..We made it just fine through Christmas and my brother and my son coming in for two weeks...I was so scared she would go when they were here...and then on my birthday..and then on hers...but she made it fine!! 13 now!!
    She is eating well and sleeping much and those glands keep growing but SHE doesn't know she's ill and I have just started to focus on being so thankful for another day without any suffering...she is MY baby too..My son teaches in South Korea and his visit was the first time in over a year...he is in the air as we speak on his way back...I spend the day stopping what I am doing and take Bagel out so she can sit in the COLD..Cush pups love the cold!!I just stand there and freeze and think how blessed I am to be ab le to so it for her..
    I am retiring Mar 1 and I keep telling her she just has to hang in there...
    Yes we will cry..a lot..I have been here several times in my life with my sweet beagle babies...The last one was almost 18!!!
    and I am a nurturer- and I was devastated....
    we mourn..and we remember the joy eventually..
    People sent me THAT POEM about the Rainbow Bridge..I did NOT find comfort in it at all....It made me very sad and frustrated...
    I truly believe our babies go to heaven and it gives me a great joy knowing we will be together again...
    Enjoy your days... Don't let "tomorrow" ruin the time you have left...hug and snuggle and don't let her see you cry...I am adding you to our prayers, for COMFORT...
    Sande and sweet Bagel

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