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Thread: Holidays can be hard...

  1. #271
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
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    Glen Cove, NY
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    Default Re: Holidays can be hard...

    That saturation point has been reached where I just wish I could have some alone time. It feels like I haven't had that time since Molly passed to just mourn without people everywhere and someone needing something from me that I no longer feel like I have to give. The unconditional love well feels dry and I know it isn't but it feels that way.

    So now I'm mad. Mad that I haven't had that time to say goodbye to her, that there would never have been enough time anyhow to say goodbye or to mourn her not being here. So mad at feeling lost and that there is nothing I or anyone else can do to make it better.


    Boy, do I know this feeling, Sharlene...it sucks. 2016 is almost over and Lena has been gone 10 months. I'm afraid to move into the next year, I feel like if I accept it being 2017, I am accepting the fact that she is gone and I just don't want to!

    2016 will forever be the year I lost my baby.

    My sister gave me a sign for Christmas with beautiful words about the loss of the dogs in our life...but it's not quite right. It speaks of all the dogs I've lost and not this one of my heart; this one loss that has shattered it and won't mend; this one beloved creature who I miss every single day. I think she was surprised that I didn't break down and cry...its beautiful and true, but not quite right.

    Sometimes a gift means different things to the giver and receiver. They mean well...I would have bawled like you if anyone had given me an ornament with Lena on it. I have the one from when she was a puppy that has been on the tree since her first Christmas, and that's the only one I need for now.
    Joan, mom to my Angel Lena, Doree, Gable, Cooper, Angel Phoenix and now Sibble.

  2. #272
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
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    Georgia
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    Default Re: Holidays can be hard...

    2016 will forever be the year I lost my baby.
    Oh Joan, it's so true how some milestones become etched into our minds and our hearts.

    It's now New Year's Eve and I can't help remembering that it was two years ago today that everything shifted for us and for Peg. Right before that, I had been so grateful about how well she was doing -- seizures under control, GI issues under control, enjoying her walks and her daily routine. But hubby and I went out for a cheery holiday lunch that day with plans to cocoon with the doggie girls that evening. When we got back home, Peg was hobbling profoundly. What could have happened during our lunch, we'll never know. But something went very wrong that day and we were never able to fully fix it again.

    And so now in my mind, I guess New Year's Eve will always be linked a bit to that fateful lunch. I'm a little anxious, waiting for another shoe to drop. It's never been my favorite day, anyway. When I was younger, I always wished I had a grand party to attend but seldom did. In recent years, our small gatherings with close friends have also been curbed due to relocations, and illness, and just not wanting to brave the crazies on the road. So it has turned more into a private evening of reflection for me, with tomorrow being the happier day. Once the new year arrives, I close my eyes and cross my fingers and hope for the best! And I try to look forward once again.

    But today I am especially missing my shiny black dog. Just like you say, Joan, very soon we'll be entering a new year without her and that just seems so wrong. Through all her adversity, she was so brave and so true to her own self. She handled her limitations so much better than did I. She was, and always will remain, an inspiration to me. But I do miss her so. I wish so much I could hug her one more time as the calendar page turns.

    I can't do that, but I can send out my hugs to you all. So stay safe guys, enjoy the holiday as best you can, and I wish us all a fresh 2017 with our memories to sustain us and our hopes to guide us, perhaps down new and even unexpectedly happy paths.

  3. #273
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
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    Default Re: Holidays can be hard...

    That anxious feeling...I have it all the time, too Marianne. Last New Year's Eve, my husband and I went out to dinner. We had never done that before. Right up the block, not gone long...but if I had known it was going to be Lena's last New Year's I never would have gone. I would have spent it at home with her.

    New Year's has never been my favorite either...

    Hugs right back at you, Marianne!

    And to all my dear friends on this forum, Happy New Year...let's hope its a good one.
    Joan, mom to my Angel Lena, Doree, Gable, Cooper, Angel Phoenix and now Sibble.

  4. #274
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
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    Frigid Milwaukee-brrrrr
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    7,955

    Default Re: Holidays can be hard...

    Life is funny filled with unexpected turns. I was looking for my pearl necklace, we are going out to dinner tonight and I never wear that necklace. I could not find it, who knows where I put it when we packed up our life a second time within a year. Finally, I saw the gold box with my shoes, yes there is the box containing my necklace and there at the bottom of the box was my old journal.

    I wasn't good at keeping a journal. The leather bound book was a Christmas present from a friend. She had made it for me for Christmas 1999. That is the date of the first entry.

    I paged through my writings, musings I guess might be more accurate. I smiled as I read each one until I got to the last entry dated February 23, 2011.

    I wrote
    Zoe/Cushings
    Every book I read, I read for you
    Every battle I fought, I fought for you
    Because I loved you so.

    Your mom

    I wrote that two years prior to her death-almost to the day.

    Her tree is shining not quite as bright tonight and I am choking back tears.

    Suddenly this happy night is sad.

    Wonder why I found that journal now on New Years Eve?

    Well, off I go with my brace face.

    Happy New Year dear family. I know your hearts are heavy tonight as well.

    But together we face 2017 and together we will all be just fine some way some how.
    love,
    addy, zoe and koko


    My little dog - a heartbeat at my feet. ~Edith Wharton

    Memory is the power to gather roses in the winter

  5. #275
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
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    California
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    Default Re: Holidays can be hard...

    AWWW Addy. I miss her too. I miss all of our babies who have moved on. It's not a particularly happy New Year's Eve for me either. You are absolutely right. We will all get through somehow. I spent several hours out doing errands today. I wasn't home five minutes before being screamed at to go to hell. Happy New Year indeed!

  6. #276
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
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    Georgia
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    Default Re: Holidays can be hard...

    Yikes, Kathy! Gotta agree that your New Year's Eve could have stood some improvement...

    And Addy and Joan, some memories bring comfort but some surely do not. I think that's the odd thing about New Year's for me -- there is always such a jumble of memories for me that I keep swinging back-and-forth between smiling and wanting to burst out crying. Totally unsettling in so many ways.

    Anyway, here we are and now the new year has begun. Sending more love and fond wishes to all our family, newbies and oldies alike!

  7. #277
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
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    California
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    Default Re: Holidays can be hard...

    Holidays can be particularly stressful times, even under the best of circumstances. I am thankful that they are over.

    Hoping that 2017 brings only love and peace into your homes and hearts. Happy new year all!!!!

  8. #278
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    Canada
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    16,135

    Default Re: Holidays can be hard...

    Awww, Kathy, that is a cruddy thing to happen any time.

    I'm hoping we all have a wonderful 2017.

    The stars were shining brightly in the sky last night, so I went out and had a chat with molly. Seemed the thing to do.

    Well drat on finding that journal at that time Addy, but maybe finding it was about more than sadness and loss. Maybe, just maybe it is about being a good mommy who dedicated every moment of her time and heart to finding a way to take care of beautiful Zoe and make sure that she got those years With you and those moments that were particular to just the two of you because of the bond you shared.

    The one constant I have noticed on this forum, not just with cushings, because Peg didn't have cushings, Rosie doesn't have cushings, but we still share that one thing.... when something is going on with our furbabies, we dedicate ourselves to discovering all we can and doing whatever we can to make things better for them. There is no casual browsing of a web site, there is full on, dig down into the nitty gritty research.

    I have so often said that we feel the loss of a cush pup so much because the disease, the learning and research and then the doing, is all consuming, but maybe it isn't that, and now I am starting to think it isn't the disease so much, as it could be anything, it is who WE are, their caretakers in this life. We give it all and we go the extra mile, no matter what. Cushings, allergies, kidneys, liver, cancer, joints, arthritis, whatever, doesn't matter, it is us who is different, we give our hearts and souls to those who have already given their lives to our hands.

    Somehow we do move on from these heart breaking tragedies and maybe it is just the holidays when we take more time to reflect on the loss that we will always feel, so it makes it more difficult that right there in your face, missing from your presence, emptiness.

    Rather glad the holidays are past now too and ready to move on to hopefully sunnier memories.
    Sharlene and the late great diva - Molly muffin (always missed and never forgotten)

  9. #279
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
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    Georgia
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    Default Re: Holidays can be hard...

    Sharlene, that was beautifully said! And I do believe you're absolutely right. Absolutely.

  10. #280
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
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    California
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    Default Re: Holidays can be hard...

    What you said was perfect Sharlene. It is who we are, because not all pet parents are as obsessed with solving problems, as we are. Obsessed in a good way, totally in love and dedicated to our little fur babies. We deal with the hands we are dealt as best we can. This is a Cushings site, which is how we found our home here, but we are more than Cushings parents. It is who we are!!! Well said.

    So glad you had a nice chat with Molly, Sharlene.

    Back to work tomorrow. Did tons of chores over break to catch up, so that's good.

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