Our Maggie (09/11/02 - 05/15/11)

[MissinMyBabyMay]

Hi. This is my first time on here and I wanted to reply to your post. I have read some of the posts from other pet owners who are dealing with their babies who have cushings.

I wanted to say that we just lost our baby girl Maggie three days ago on Sunday 5/15/11. She was diagnosed with Cushings back in March.

She had been to our vet quite a bit for a lot of testing and had been put on Trilostane 5 weeks ago. Before that she was on Vetoryl for about 3 weeks.

When we switched her from Vetoryl to Trilostane we had her tested again to see how her body was responding. The vet told us she looked good and the tests came back at a good read for us to continue her dosage.

Sunday morning I was going to make her next appointment. I woke up at 6:30am and she got up with me as normal. She was acting perfectly fine and energetic to eat as she normally is.

I took her and our other lab Max out for a restroom break and she peed and was the first back up the stairs and excited to eat.

I fed them both, giving Maggie her one Trilostane pill as I had every morning for the past 5 weeks. I did my normal morning routine and she followed me around and when I sat down and after my husband got up later we noticed she was getting unsettled.

It seemed she couldn't get comfortable. She kept situating and and re-situating and would move to another spot. I went over to her and petted her and checked on her and I took her collar off which isn't very tight and caressed her a bit and she moved to another spot.

I sat there watching her and she acted like she was going to cough up once (just once) and then went back to re-situating.

I told my husband I was going to take them for a walk thinking maybe she needed to go to the bathroom again and was acting different this time. Normally she rings a bell we have hanging by the door when she has to go to the bathroom.

We went outside and My husband went first with our male lab Max then I followed with our girl Maggie. Maggie didn't seem like she wanted to go or was having trouble. I walked down a bit in front of her and looked back. She started down the stairs and went really slow and unstable.

When we got to the courtyard she just stood there and was unresponsive to my calling her name.

I looked at my husband and said "Somethings not right".
Maggie sat down and wouldn't get up.

She's never sat down when we've gone for walks. We called to her for her to get up and she just sat there.

We tried waiting to see if she could on her own, but she didn't. My husband had to pick her up and carry her back inside.

Back inside I took her collar off again and she went back to sitting down and situating. She had started to pant very heavy.

This was now about 9:30am
She got up and went to our hallway and continued to pant very heavy.

She would lay her head down then pick it up and back down.
I went and got a small bowl of water and put it by her incase she needed water and just couldn't get up.

She didn't even bother with it.
She has never been unresponsive before when I'd call her name. Her eyes looked glassy. I saw that she was starting to foam slightly in the corners of her mouth and I looked inside her mouth and her gums were gray.

I got up to get the phone to call the vet and when I came back by the hallway I saw her pick her head up and look right at me this time.

I went over to pet her and talk to her and her body began to convulse. I called to my husband we got on the phone to call the vet.

It was too late. She convulsed until she stopped breathing.
There was nothing we could do and yet I've beaten myself up these past 3 days mad at myself for not scheduling her another testing that week.

There's no way to know now if she was getting too much Trilostane or not enough. She had been fine on the medicine but out of the blue she was gone.

In the span of one hour this weekend she died. She had panted before when she got hot so that wasn't uncommon especially for a dog. And it was only 25-30 minutes from the time when we came back inside until the time she passed on at 10am.

The only thing that was the red flag was her not getting up when we went outside and when she started to convulse.

I have never felt this surreal and sorrowful in my life. My very very best friend is gone. I couldn't take her pain away or fix what was wrong with her and I only wish I could've taken her to the vet that week for another testing.

The vets assured me that with the right medication and treatment she would be fine. In one month from saying she was good and she seemed great, she was then gone.

I am so grateful that we were with our baby when she left us instead of coming home to find her and not being able to hold her again as she left this world. But I cannot get the images out of my head and replaying the horror from Sunday morning.

Our doctor is off on the weekend, so when he came in the next day he called me while I was in school and left me a message saying he was shocked to hear that Maggie had passed.

I called him back to tell him what happened and he said that he was surprised because we said she had been doing good. He said when he saw her she looked good.

I'm sorry to just pour my heart out but my heart is hurting so bad, I don't want anyone to experience this and hope that anything I've said will help show indicators for their own experience and get their babies tested more often to be sure their dosage is right.

I just want to scream like Sally Field in Steel Magnolias at the funeral to get this heartache out. I've never lost a pet like this.

Maggie was a beautiful 8year 8month old chocolate lab. She came into this world on 09/11/02 and left us on 05/15/11.

She was the smartest pet I've ever had and the most compassionate. She knew so many of the things we would say to her and she would
"Get out of the kitchen" and back her paws up until she was out
She would ring a bell to go outside to potty
She would rush over to me when I'd hurt myself
She'd lay down beside me every time I laid down on the floor
She never jumped on anyone
She didn't lick people
She knew when I'd come home. My husband said she could hear tons of car doors down outside but she went to the door when it was my car door coming. He always said he had no clue how she did that.

She rode everywhere with me
She didn't wimper
She didn't even mind the 1400 mile journey I drove from Houston to Vegas when I moved last May.

She was my protector

I miss her and want her back so bad.
How do you cope with this kind of thing?
I can't stop sobbing, the emotions come at me in waves and I feel like I failed my baby girl for not doing more to save her precious life.

Thank you for listening
Erin

[labblab]

Dear Erin,

I am so grateful that you have found us. My heart breaks for your suffering. I can promise you, though, that you have found people here who understand the depth of your love for Maggie and also the depth of your pain. And we will not leave you.

First and foremost, I want you to know that I do not believe that Maggie's death was the result of the trilostane. Since she otherwise was acting totally normally up until Sunday morning, I do not believe that either an overdose or an underdose of the trilostane was at fault. And I do not believe you were at fault, either, for being just a few days later in scheduling Maggie's 30-day test. Since she was doing so well, there was no way to imagine what was going to happen.

Although I am not a vet, it sounds to me as though Maggie suffered a terrible seizure. And the cause for that you may never know. I have two beloved Labs of my own, and my 6-year-old girl (non-Cushing's dog) has just started having seizures, too. We have done a lot of testing, and have not been able to find a cause. So we are giving her medication to hopefully control them. But there are still a lot of question marks. From my own reading, I have learned that in dogs the ages of your Maggie and my Peg, the most frequent cause can be a brain tumor or a stroke. So perhaps that is what happened with Maggie. But whatever the cause, I do not believe that this was your fault in any way. And it is a tragedy that you've lost her in this way. Having watched my own sweet girl in convulsions, my heart truly reaches out to you this morning. I am so very sorry.

Sadly, I know there is no way in which we can change your pain and your questions and your regret. Only time can help with that. But we are here to walk alongside you, and we are here to help you honor and remember all that Maggie has meant to you -- and will always mean to you. So please keep writing. Anything that you care to talk about or tell us -- we are here to listen. And I hope that slowly, you may find some comfort in sharing your memories of Maggie with us all.

I send you many, many hugs ~ always in loving memory of your precious Maggie girl.
Marianne

[labblab]

Erin, I wanted to stop back by to let you know that Maggie has now been added to our special memorial thread of honor:

http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2865

Here she is surrounded by our other beloved babies whom we will forever treasure. Right now may not be a time when you are able to even think about this, but whenever the time may be right, it would be our privilege to be able to link a photograph of Maggie to her memorial line. As a forum member, you are now able to create a personal photo album. Or you can always just email a photo to us at k9cushings@gmail.com. But there is plenty of time for that in the future, whenever you may feel ready.

I also wanted to add more more thing. I do believe that for those of us who have lost our babies in the midst of uncertainty or questions as to what went wrong -- the pain cuts especially deep. It is hard enough to be separated from them. But when we wonder whether we failed them in some way, that makes the pain almost unbearable. I suffered through pain like that when my own Cushpup died. I know there is no easy answer, and that it doesn't really help when other people tell you, "It was not your fault." Because you still feel as though it was. But I survived the pain, and I know that you will too. But the first hours and days are so terribly hard. That is why I hope you will come back and talk to us. I have faith that it helps to know that other people do care and understand.

Marianne

[Squirt's Mom]

Dear Erin,

I am so sorry about your sweet Maggie. But, honey, you did not cause this in any shape, form, or fashion - you are blameless. Like Marianne, I don't feel that Cushing's nor the Trilostane, and certainly not a minor delay in testing, caused her demise. Something unexpected, unknown, and unprovoked happened inside of Maggie - whether a stroke, seizure, or organ rupture/failure - something happened that you played no part in whatsoever.

I know so well how empty those words are right now. My precious Crystal was killed by a car almost a year ago because I let her out off leash and she chased a squirrel into the road. The images and sounds from that fateful day remain in my mind and the guilt I will always bear is never far from hand, easily picked up once again. Because of early neglect, Crys had a multitude of problems and I made the decision to let her live her life as much like normal as possible. That decision included letting her run and be free of her constant tethers and crates as much as possible....and led to letting her run that morning which resulted in her death. Had I kept her restrained and confined at all times, she would more than likely still be with me but what a sad life that would have been for Crys. In my heart of hearts, I know she died doing something she loved, she died running free, her heart full of the joy of the chase.

It is obvious from your post that Maggie was so very loved and well cared for. You gave her a life of endless love, companionship, safety, and happiness - everything a pup could ask for and so much more than many ever know. She spent her life by your side and left it in your arms, where I know she had rather be than any other place on Earth. As horrible and painful as your last minutes were with your baby, she passed in the loving arms of her mom.

I believe that one day we will see our babies again. We will finally hold them once more and cover their faces with all the kisses we have missed so badly. We will spend eternity with them by our sides - whole, strong, and full of promise of all the tomorrows to come.

I am so glad you found us and trusted us enough to share your pain. You have found a safe place to fall. We do understand what it means to love so deeply, and what it means to carry the pain of the loss of the ones we love. Please know we are here for you any time. If you need to talk, to cry, to scream - we are here. As you begin to heal, it would be our pleasure to share your memories of the life you shared, to celebrate Maggie's life as well as share the burden you feel today.

Our deepest sympathies,
Leslie, Squirt, Trinket, Brick and our Angels, Ruby and Crystal

[addy]

We cannot take away your pain and agony but we will share it with you. Perhaps then, little by little, if we share the pain, it will ease up for you just a bit.

We travel by your side, with you, you are not alone in your grief. We are here to hold your hand, cry with you and listen to your memories, when you are strong enough to share them.

Had you not had such a great love, you would not know such terrible pain.

Always know, you can come here any time and we will always be here for you, with you, for whatever you need.

I am so very sorry for your loss. It is not your fault. Maggie would not want you to think that way for she was sure, very sure of the beautiful love and strong bond the two of you shared.

Love,
Addy

[littleone1]

Hi Erin,

I am so sorry for your loss. This must be very difficult for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you. As others have said, we are always here for you.

Terri

[Timmy's Mom]

Hello Erin,

I am so sorry to hear that your sweet Maggie has passed. I lost my Timmy to Cushing's in February and found this site just this month and I am so glad I did. I understand what you are going through--everyone here does.

I found this link through the In Loving Memory section and it talks about dealing with grief. It has been helpful to me:

http://www.vet.upenn.edu/SpecialtyCa...1/Default.aspx

Two lines in particular have comforted me from this series of articles:

"Unfortunately, one of the prices we pay for loving so deeply is to suffer deeply when the bonds with our cherished animal friends are broken."

"Yet the person who worries most about not having “done enough” is often a person who has already gone to superhuman efforts to care for that pet."

There are many other helpful resources in the In Loving Memory section as well.

The members of this forum are fantastic-- they are compassionate, informative, caring.

I believe my Timmy led me to K9cushings.com (I had really been having a tough couple of weeks recently and on Mother's Day I happened to find this forum) and I am guessing Timmy has already met your Maggie up in heaven and told her how this site has really helped his mom.

My thoughts are with you,

Timmy's mom

[MissinMyBabyMay]

I wanted to thank all of you for giving me such support. I've been reading over each of your words again and again this week and it gives me comfort so genuinely.

I've loaded some pictures of Maggie and will be loading more. Luckily I have a few videos of her as well and really trying to find one specific one but I think I've lost it.

Thank you all for giving me a place to come when I felt like a part of me was closing down. My husband and I can only share so much, but I think at times gentlmen deal with things differently, and perhaps he can't talk about things about Maggie himself. So being able to come here and share stories, pain, remembrances are so important and so revered, I thank each of you so much.

Love
Erin

[mytil]

Oh Erin,

I truly love all those photos you have added - what a beautiful girl!

Please do stay with us.
my continued (((((hugs)))))
Terry

[MissinMyBabyMay]

Thanks Terry