Mira, 7yr old Husky - Cushings ruled out; liver cancer (Mira has passed)

[Altira]

I swear my dogs or at least all our Siberian huskies make things clear as mud!! She has been moping around since the two of them started getting sick. Both of them at the same time. She doesn't look around for her much. They weren't really big on playing together. Mira was quite a brat for many years. I don't know. Ive lived and breathed Siberian huskies for 32 years they are always with me and I still don't know.

I'm a hermit pretty much I rarely go out. But I sure hope I get the courage to go hit those baseballs. I think it would help a lot. Would be better then doing something at at home. I have stopped myself many times. It would upset Kira a lot too. I have one picture out of Mira of the hundred or so I took since knowing. It just kills me to look at it!!!! You can't tell anything is wrong at all. She doesn't LOOK sick or old at all!!!

[Squirt's Mom]

Hey Janis,

I am so raw myself today words are hard to find that might help you. There have been a few howls coming from my mouth the last few days, sounds I don't recognize as coming from me at first, sounds I can't stop. An invisible fist slams into my gut out of the blue, doubling me over with pain, taking my ability to breath away, stilling my feet, bringing me to my knees in agony. Every time I beg, "Let me go, please, just let me go." And every time the answer is the same, "Not yet, your job isn't finished." So I climb back to my feet, blinded by tears and guilt, and stumble forward, one of the many Walking Wounded.

You may remember me telling you that Squirt literally saved my life. For the year prior to her diagnosis, I simply drifted through my days til I finally couldn't take it any more. I began making plans; I gave away things that were important to me to people that were important to me, I tied up all loose financial ends, I made amends to folks I had harmed, I got rid of truck-loads of stuff that I had held onto for years - just hauled it to the dump, I wrote letters for those who might care, I talked to an attorney and got a will set up for my meager possessions, and made provisions for Squirt. There was no urgency or panic or fear during all of this which took several weeks. It simply fell into place like a jigsaw puzzle and once everything was set, a calm came over me. For the first time in 14 months, I didn't feel as if the Sphinx was sitting on my chest.

Since Squirt was going to a new home, I wanted to have her checked out first so her new mom would have the latest info on her. The vet said she needed a dental so that was scheduled and the pre-surgery blood work was drawn that day. This is one vet visit when I didn't feel connected to what was going on; I was removed, almost as if I were watching someone else.

Two days later the vet called with the results of the blood work. For the first time, I heard the phrase, "her cortisol is high," and then the word, "Cushing's." I was told she needed further testing. Something happened then, Janis. I don't know how to explain it but that moment in time is vivid in my memories. Squirt was sitting on the floor at my feet while I was talking to Dr. C. I remember looking down at her and finding her looking up at me. All of a sudden, it was like everything was magnified and high-lighted; I could see every speck of dirt on the floor, every item on the counter behind Squirt, the notes and pics and magnets on the fridge behind her, a fingerprint in jelly on a cabinet door, my bare feet with freshly painted bright pink toenails. But the thing that caught and absorbed my attention was Squirt's eyes. We held each others eyes long enough that Dr. C finally broke through when I heard her yelling, "Ms. Richards! Hello! Ms. Richards!" When I replied that I was ok, I really was okay. During the time Dr. C first called to the time I said I was ok, something in me woke up.

What I saw in Squirt's eyes that day was this - she needed me, Janis. She needed me for more than providing food, water and a good replacement. She needed all of me and completely trusted that I would give it to her. A pure, simple trust born of a pure, simple love. That trust broke through the unbearable pain that damn near destroyed me and I began to fight for Squirt's sake.

I continue to fight every single day, some days more than others. I fight to be worthy of the trust that still shines in Squirt's eyes and the love of those who care for me and depend on me. I fight to be worthy when that day finally does come when the answer is, "You can go now. Well done."

Why you have been asked to carry such pain and grief, I can't say. But I do believe we are never given more than we can handle. Even when we think it is simply too much to bear, that we cannot take another step, we find a way to go on.

I see a correlation between us and hope you will soon see it, too. What Squirt gave to me, Kira can give to you - a purpose, a reason to get back up from our knees when we fall, a chance to learn, a chance to love, a chance to heal. Grab it, Janis, grab it and hold on with all you have. Fight to learn how to help Kira, fight to rise above the grief, fight to be.

With empathy for your pain,
Leslie

[jrepac]

Janis,

I understand your pain; it all happened way too fast and Mira was relatively young. It is never easy, regardless of their age and condition....we are never ready to let them go. It's completely normal to feel the way you do, I've been going through that as well. Just so many reminders, reminding you that your friend has moved on to a better place, despite any/all efforts you may have made.

But, be strong for Kira, she needs you. And you should not punish yourself (I know, it's easy to say, but I've also been thru that guilt phase as well..with all 3 of my Aussies...it is really hard and it will take some time for you to realize you did the very best you could under the circumstances).

Try to get out of the house and keep yourself occupied with other activities, if you can. It can get very morose just sitting around and looking for your pet, waiting for the bark that no longer is there. I've been out visiting the young ones and spending time w/my friends and their pets. It does help a bit.

And, I do think the other pets notice when their pals pass on....my Pom acted very strangely for several days; I'm sure she was wondering where her friendly "tormentor" (Mandy) had disappeared to. One day, they will all be together again, but young and healthy and spry.

Jeff & Angel Mandy

[Altira]

Hey Janis,

I am so raw myself today words are hard to find that might help you. There have been a few howls coming from my mouth the last few days, sounds I don't recognize as coming from me at first, sounds I can't stop. An invisible fist slams into my gut out of the blue, doubling me over with pain, taking my ability to breath away, stilling my feet, bringing me to my knees in agony. Every time I beg, "Let me go, please, just let me go." And every time the answer is the same, "Not yet, your job isn't finished." So I climb back to my feet, blinded by tears and guilt, and stumble forward, one of the many Walking Wounded.

You may remember me telling you that Squirt literally saved my life. For the year prior to her diagnosis, I simply drifted through my days til I finally couldn't take it any more. I began making plans; I gave away things that were important to me to people that were important to me, I tied up all loose financial ends, I made amends to folks I had harmed, I got rid of truck-loads of stuff that I had held onto for years - just hauled it to the dump, I wrote letters for those who might care, I talked to an attorney and got a will set up for my meager possessions, and made provisions for Squirt. There was no urgency or panic or fear during all of this which took several weeks. It simply fell into place like a jigsaw puzzle and once everything was set, a calm came over me. For the first time in 14 months, I didn't feel as if the Sphinx was sitting on my chest.

Since Squirt was going to a new home, I wanted to have her checked out first so her new mom would have the latest info on her. The vet said she needed a dental so that was scheduled and the pre-surgery blood work was drawn that day. This is one vet visit when I didn't feel connected to what was going on; I was removed, almost as if I were watching someone else.

Two days later the vet called with the results of the blood work. For the first time, I heard the phrase, "her cortisol is high," and then the word, "Cushing's." I was told she needed further testing. Something happened then, Janis. I don't know how to explain it but that moment in time is vivid in my memories. Squirt was sitting on the floor at my feet while I was talking to Dr. C. I remember looking down at her and finding her looking up at me. All of a sudden, it was like everything was magnified and high-lighted; I could see every speck of dirt on the floor, every item on the counter behind Squirt, the notes and pics and magnets on the fridge behind her, a fingerprint in jelly on a cabinet door, my bare feet with freshly painted bright pink toenails. But the thing that caught and absorbed my attention was Squirt's eyes. We held each others eyes long enough that Dr. C finally broke through when I heard her yelling, "Ms. Richards! Hello! Ms. Richards!" When I replied that I was ok, I really was okay. During the time Dr. C first called to the time I said I was ok, something in me woke up.

What I saw in Squirt's eyes that day was this - she needed me, Janis. She needed me for more than providing food, water and a good replacement. She needed all of me and completely trusted that I would give it to her. A pure, simple trust born of a pure, simple love. That trust broke through the unbearable pain that damn near destroyed me and I began to fight for Squirt's sake.

I continue to fight every single day, some days more than others. I fight to be worthy of the trust that still shines in Squirt's eyes and the love of those who care for me and depend on me. I fight to be worthy when that day finally does come when the answer is, "You can go now. Well done."

Why you have been asked to carry such pain and grief, I can't say. But I do believe we are never given more than we can handle. Even when we think it is simply too much to bear, that we cannot take another step, we find a way to go on.

I see a correlation between us and hope you will soon see it, too. What Squirt gave to me, Kira can give to you - a purpose, a reason to get back up from our knees when we fall, a chance to learn, a chance to love, a chance to heal. Grab it, Janis, grab it and hold on with all you have. Fight to learn how to help Kira, fight to rise above the grief, fight to be.

With empathy for your pain,
Leslie

Yup if that moment does flutter by, rest assured I won't miss it. It is what I'm looking for. And yes I would grab it knowing it's where I was ment to go and I would let it consume me. It is how siberians came into my life in the first place afterall. It was a sign as clear as day and I've never felt otherwise when that happens. We are a fancyfull lot aren't we? Believers in fate. Nothing we could ever dream up could effect us the same way. It was the same way with my first love. The instant I saw him I knew I was doomed. I also knew I was helpless to stop it. Fate. This thing with Mira though. I never knew fate could be this crewl. You however my friend got tagged by it even worse then me. Not much but never the less it was just wrong.

[Altira]

It is irritating when people don't let you vent. Your upsetting the dog just get over it. Your husband needs you to be strong. Well I'm not strong. Let them live with that. I'll get over it in my own way, in my own time. So much so that I won't even recognize the dog in the picture. They won't even look familur to me. But that certainly won't be happening tomorrow or the next day or even a month from now. It will probably happen when I let my love shift to another dog. And I'll scream and cry for letting go. Then it will be gone. And that's when I can see the good things. That's when I can remember without pain. You know getting over a death the next day seems pretty heartless to me. Never really loved them in the first place. Watch out anger is taking over!

Kira is scaring the hell out of left and right too. I really need help with that.

[jrepac]

It is irritating when people don't let you vent. Your upsetting the dog just get over it. Your husband needs you to be strong. Well I'm not strong. Let them live with that. I'll get over it in my own way, in my own time. So much so that I won't even recognize the dog in the picture. They won't even look familur to me. But that certainly won't be happening tomorrow or the next day or even a month from now. It will probably happen when I let my love shift to another dog. And I'll scream and cry for letting go. Then it will be gone. And that's when I can see the good things. That's when I can remember without pain. You know getting over a death the next day seems pretty heartless to me. Never really loved them in the first place. Watch out anger is taking over!

Kira is scaring the hell out of left and right too. I really need help with that.

I hear you and share your thoughts; I don't get the "one day and it's done" mentality of grief related to pet loss. It takes a long time to work through. I'm now approaching one month since my Mandy's passing and a day does not go by w/out thinking about her. The sadness is lifting yes, and being replaced by happier thoughts. But, you just don't "get over" the loss of a beloved pet in a day or two.

Just don't worry about what others think....you feel the way you feel and that's it...but do try to give Kira all the love and attention she wants and needs from you.

Jeff & Angel Mandy

[Altira]

Just the right words at the right time. It nice to here from someone who is there too. Thank you. I figure I'm in it for three months at least. Before I can truly let go and another ^^ furry face will make our family whole again. And mysweet Kira will never..o.. have to be alone...

[maggiebeagle]

Its been almost a year since Maggie died and I still cry sometimes. The tears are more nostalgic now and not so heart rending.
Those people that don't understand that our dogs aren't "just dogs" are missing out on so much in life.
Please allow yourself time to grieve. Know that this is a safe place to write what you can't say aloud to anyone.

[StarDeb55]

Janis, I lost my Harley at the beginning of October. It will be a long time before I'm over it. I know most of my family & friends well enough to know that some are of the "it's just a dog" viewpoint, & some do understand my grief & sadness. I quit discussing anything to do with my dogs with the first group of people a long time ago, & I think that I have finally got the point across to them to leave me alone, & not badmouth me in any way about what I do for my dogs or how I feel about them. If this group of people still choose to give me "attitude", I cut them off, no matter how rude I might be, & they can all go "jump in a lake". The 2nd group of people truly do understand my grief, & these are the folks I, now, rely upon for support & understanding. My K9cushings family leads the way in the group of folks I rely upon.

Debbie

[mypuppy]

Janis,

Debbie pretty much nailed it. Well put Debbie.

You need to feel your pain because you have suffered a tremendous loss, and to heck with anyone trying to convince you that your baby was not worthy of your great pain merely because he was a dog. This is a no brainer really--write those insensitive people off if they don't respect what is important for you, and surround yourself with the beauty of understanding and empathetic friends who share in your pain.

Thinking and praying for you to find the comfort you need at this moment, and from one fur baby lover to another, God Bless you and your precious Mira. Tight hugs. Xo Jeanette and Princess