Apollo,missing you,1 year, 5 months

My sweet boy,missing you,and wishing I could hold you again. I have pictures of you everywhere. I keep on thinking about leaving the forum. But this is where Ican talk about you. It brings back,joy, pain,and sorrow. Thinking how much you endured at the end. So many little things that just you and I did, miss you so much,over two years.
Ariel is such the opposite of you, so much fear and anxiety to overcome. When you were dying I was dealing with the house fire,now with Ariel,I am dealing with closing the business,selling the building,and Doug's,health issues:heart and lung disease, and helping Mom. I just could use a break. I did go to a yoga class the other day to help calm me. You don't know what an inpack you had on my life,my little warrior.
Sonja

Happy belated birthday Apollo!!!Run free!

Thank you for the birthday wishes.
I can not believe over two years and I still feel like I should have done more, been more attuned to what was happening to you. Baby boy,I miss you ever day. This sums it
"We Remember Them....
In the rising of the sun and in it's going down...
In the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter....
In the rustling of leaves and in the beauty of autumn...
In the beginning of the year and when it's ends.....
When we are weary and in need of strength....
When we are lost and sick at heart.....
When we have joys we yearn to share....
So long as we live,they too shall live for they are part of us.
We Remeber them!
Love my sweet boy
Sonja

love and hugs Sonja.

Missing Apollo and Zoe too. Holidays are going to be hard.

That was so sweet Sonja, take care of yourself too, a lot going on. I've read your entire thread, you were a wonderful mom to Apollo and did all you could. That said,we still feel like it's never enough because we love them so much.
Hugs to you and pats for Apollo!

Dear Sweet Apollo- try to send Mom a hummingbird for the holidays or some reminder of your presence. She needs that.

And don't let Zoe do anything goofy like wanting fancy new digs for the two of you.

Thinking of you and Apollo, Sonja with much love.

Thank you all. Will post tomorrow. Zoe if you want fancy digs you make sure Apollo gets it for you little princess.
Sonja

This is the best way to describe the stages of grief I have my baby boy. This is from a magazine article :
Post Grief:
MISSING HIM AGAIN
He has been gone for two years and I'm OK he does not live in my head anymore he lives in my heart yet sometimes
unexpectedly I feel I am back to just before he died
I miss him I'm hurting I feel disoriented desperately wishing him
back I remember all that I have lost that I will never have again
it has been over two years since he died but it feels like yesterday.

SOMETHING HAS CHANGED.
Something has changed I used to dread to coming home in the evening to silent, empty rooms feeling so terribly alone
tonight for the first time I looked forward to some quiet time
in my quiet home after a busy day sitting down to read my mail
check my computer sitting down with a book sitting alone
without feeling lonely something has changed.

HEALING
When one is in the middle of pain it is impossible to envisage
a time without it yet that time comes unexpectedly surprising me
by its suddenness from the agonizingly slow healing to a world
of brighter colors to a lighter step to being whole again there is an old saying that when someone you love dies, the main difference is that he or she is no longer outside of you, he or she is inside
I have incorporated him I am poorer for the lack of his physical presence but I am richer by his continuing to exist in me.
by Natasha Josefowitz. Ph.d. -LA JOLLA VILLAGE NEWS.
to you my little angel
always in my heart
love Sonja

That was beautiful dear sister in battle, thank you for sharing it.

Thinking of you and I know our Apollo and Zoe are together, watching over us and Ariel and Koko.

Remember then with joy not just tears.

Love you

just catching up around here ladies...i know our pups are all healthy cheerful running and playing on the other side of the rainbow...we will all be together with our furbabies again......this is what keeps me going...xoxox to all patty (milo)meka xoxox

It is official, the Pope has confirmed what we already know:our fur babies will be waiting in heaven to greet us.:):p
Sonja and Apollo

This pope seems to be a wise man. Must be a dog lover;););):)

I'm thrilled that there is finally a pope brave enough to overrule previous doctrine to publicly announce that our pets go to heaven. It's not like we didn't know it already, but this is still BIG!!! :p I think I'll send him my list. There a several more changes I'd like him to make.;):D

My sweet angel, over 2 years and I will always miss my little boy. Christmas was so much fun with you. You would get so excited that not only would you open your presents but everyone else's if you could. You'd wear your Christmas outfit with your green hat which would make people smile. My sweet boy always in my heart. Miss you
Love your Mommy
Sonja

((((((hugs))))))

I'm sure our fur Angels have many beautiful Christmas trees that they're all whizzed on, no doubt.:D They can eat all the treats they want and tear open presents to their hearts delight.

Yes Sonja, we miss them terribly.:o Know that your sweet boy is always with you. He fills a special place in your heart always.

Hugs,

My little angel,my little boy. Christmas is not the same without you.
You would get so excited. Tear open your present and any other one near you. Miss you my baby boy. You brought so much joy, laughter and love to my life.
Your sister,Karma is 15 1/2 now. Your little brother Ariel is still nervous and does not like it when I am out of his sight.
At Christmas you and Karma would wear your coats and knitted hats:you red,Karma ,green. People would come up smile and make pictures of the two of you. My little celebrity.
I miss every day. You are a part of me.
Love you your Mommy
Sonja

My little angel over two years since you left. I will always miss,love, and have you in my heart. I still struggle trying to throw some of your old things away,haven't done so. Mom and I were talking about what a beautiful soul you are. Every time one of us sees a humming bird,we feel it is a sign for you. Like Zoe you fought so hard and strong for me. It pains me to think what you had to endure. I still struggle if I should leave the forum or not. I admire Addy ,Kathy and Sharlene for still helping others. Just don't know what to say. Yet I have all this knowledge. ?
Love you baby boy,always in my heart.
Sonja

AWWW Sonja, these anniversaries suck big time! (((((Hugs)))))

My dear, you do know what to say to help others. You have supported me through it all and continue to do so. Yes, you do have plenty of knowledge to share. However, the posts I have appreciated the most from you are the ones where you speak from your heart. :p I think you'll know when it's time to move on. There's no hurry. We love that you'll still around. :p

Yes, sweet Apollo. You did fight long and hard. Now you're living in paradise with the others. No more pain. No more struggling. Lots of friends to romp and play. We miss you and you little red stroller, but we know you're in a better place right now. You will always be loved and remembered here. xxxxxooooo

Hugs sweet sister, this time of year can be a roller coaster. I am so happy you have Ariel and that he truly needs you. He must love you so much,Sonja.

Last I heard, Buddy was hunting for a lizard to bring to the dinner party Zoe and Apollo were having. Zoe got her way and they traded in their red stroller for a new one. Not that they need it, they just think they look good in it:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

Sonja, I love you dearly, my first friend. As for the forum,one day at a time and you know, as Kathy said, you do help people, more than you know. :):):)

Thank you both. Just yesterday I was on the floor and then I remembered how Apollo would sit on my back calf's. Just started crying and Ariel came over and licked my tears.
Makes me smile thinking of Buddy , Zoe and Apollo doing fun things.
I don't blame Zoe for wanting a new stroller, lets think big how about a Mercedes or a Bentley. :D
Maybe Buddy is trying to win Zoe over. I know Apollo will but up a big fight to keep Zoe, our princess.
Sonja

I debated if I would leave, and everytime I come on here I start a blubbering fest, but I do want to know how others are doing. It keeps me too, although painful, somehow connected to my boy. I don't have much to offer others, but I'm still concerned for their pups. Hope you don't leave. Your thread was one of the first I read.

Thank you so much Juli.
Apollo for some reason you wanted me to go on the forum today. I had no intention of doing so. I just started crying for no reason. Saturday's were our whip cream mornings watching the humming bird nest in the patio. I say goodnight to you ever night. You were everything to me,my best friend,confidant ,my support through so many things in my life,my little boy, Mommy's little angel.
Love Angel

((((((((((hugs))))))))))

My little Angel
Today, I throw away, a wrap Mom made you to keep you cool in the summer. It never fit and was to heavy for you. Maybe I can think I am throwing away a part of Cushing. I still have all your clothes. Daddy said keep them for now. Over two and a half years and I am learning to live with your loss. But I miss you every day and still struggle with guilt. I need to focus on being blessed with sharing my lift with you for one month short of 14. Always in my heart and soul.
Sonja

I too have everything of Zoe's packed in a trunk. It will be many years before I empty anything from that trunk. baby steps are fine, sweet Sonja and if you wish to keep all of Apollo's things, you can.

I still have my dad's favorite shirt and license plates from his favorite car. Fifteen years later and I would not part with them. You don't have to part with anything if you would rather keep it.

Remembering your regal boy with you.

Dear Addy
Our lives are so alike. I still have my Dad's jacket he wore a lot,it was from Austria,our homeland. I would put it on sometimes to feel him. Thank you for your words. I talked to a neighbor yesterday who says she remembers the day Apollo died and knew when she saw me how heartbroken I was. She ached for me. Talked about her one and only cat that she had and still crys about her. She talked about the antics she would get into. She so loved Apollo and says he was sassy. It was nice to talk and remember. Reminds o me of Zoe's spunk. No wonder they are together in heaven. Like Zoe,Apollo will always be in my heart and soul till the day I die. These furballs leave such an enprint on us forever.
Sonja and Angel Apollo . Miss you ,mommy's little angel

My sweet baby boy,starting crying last night thinking about how much I miss you. 3 years in September. I talked about you at the park yesterday. You were such a regal little guy. Very,stubborn-would find some great hiding places in the house when it came to bath time. Very fuzzy where you would potty. I miss hearing the petter patter of your feet in the kitchen,the sound of your tags jiggling on your collar. If you hid from me all I had to say was treats and you'd come. And what endeared me so was you loved to listen to this one angel music box. So many memories. I made a video of your sister's Karma's up coming birthday,16. And you ,my little warrior,are in it. At the end is Ariel( the little worrier)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irW1GMfXSis
Love you miss you every day, think often how much you endured. Always doubt myself,what I did wrong,how I could have helped you more,feeling so helpless during all of it.
Love you forever,always in my heart,always in my mind.

Sweet Sonja, I watched Karma's video the day you posted it and thought how beautiful it was.

I have just been so sick and coughing so hard, I did not tell how much I loved the video, I'm sorry.

you have nothing to be sorry about. It is Zoe's time, I have no right to take up time with my stuff.
Sonja and Angel Apollo
I hope you start feeling better.

My little warrior,my little angel. Life is harder since you left. I have never been the same since you passed. I will always miss you. I don't think I will ever over come the guilt I feel about what you went through or how I feel I could have done more for you or that I should not have made you go through so much. Ariel helps me a lot. You are always in my heart. I always cry when I view your video. I am struggling with when to leave the forum. It has been almost 3 years since your passing. There I go again with crying. My little angel, I miss you every day,especially at night when it is quiet. We plan on moving in a year. It will be hard since you grow up in this home,but I will take you with me,in my heart.
Love always ,my little boy.

Sonja, sending you big hugs. I wish it wasn't so hard. I don't think we ever Don't miss them.

love

Major changes, will start closing the business. Like Addy, I am so exhausted from the last few years, dealing with Apollo's cushing,his death,lossing the house in a fire, moving my mother to another senior apt,down sizing her things, will have to do in a year, now closing the business and every time it takes a little more of my health and energy.
You are always by my side,Angel. And thanks to Addy, I will not throw any of your things away at this time . I also have the stress of dealing with Ariels anxiety. He starts whining and crying for no reason. I have been recommended a trainer who works with shelter and rescue dogs for years. And the first thing she said was we need to get Ariel to feel safe and calm. Apollo I feel you sent Ariel to me because you knew I need him and he needed me. My little angel.
Will be busy working on the business . Thank you all for your love and support.
Sonja,Apollo and little Ariel

Take good care of yourself and that sweet boy. Drop in when you can and let us know how things are going. You're family, ya know. You can really leave. ;)

Dearest Sisiter, I may not be here as much but I think of you a lot.

over the years, you have provided much support and comfort and I thank you for that.

All our struggles take a toll on us but one day we will find Life to be more even keel.

One good thing, who knew I would embrace gray?;)

Love you

Dear baby boy,
I can not believe it will be three years,September since your passing and I will always have you in my mind,heart and soul. I miss you so much still and always will. Ther I go with the tears.
It has not been easy,Mom fell again,and I see her becoming more frail, daddy has heart and lung disease,we are putting up the store and will start liquidating the business. And it will all be on me. I would come to you and get strength from your presence and you would lick my tears. And you are not here. Your little brother is the opposite, fearful,unsure and looks to me for reassurance and strength.
My sweet,sweet Angel. Turning another corner in the journey of life,hard to say"I am a senior"
On the fun side,I tried a Microsoft app called "Guess my age" by down loading different pictures of my self . The different pictures showed a range in age from 44 to 70!!! What a ego inflater.
Miss you Mommy's little angel. I am blessed to have had you in my life. Miss you all.
Sonja,Apollo,Ariel

A humming bird came to our yard this morning. Apollo stopped by to say hi and let me know he and Zoe are just fine

Hugs

Dear Addy
Thanks for that. Apollo and Zoe will always be with us.
I thought I could throw all of Apollo's medical records away today. The tears just would not stop. I had flashbacks of what he had to endure. Oh my baby boy. Maybe I will just have to do another day.
I don't know why I have so much pain trying to throw it away. Almost 3 years and I still can't do it.
Every know and then I see a butterfly or a humming bird and fell you are saying I 'm okay Mom. We are given these little angel on loan from God and the imprint they leave on our souls is forever.
Daddy is not doing so well, heart and lung disease. I did not think it would be this hard. Mom has health issues I am dealing with also, she fell again 3 weeks ago and I am wondering if she can still live by herself. We need to sell the building and close down the business another big undertaking. And once all that is over, we plan to sell our condo (your home baby boy) , but I take you with me. Like Addy so much at one time.
I realize know, I will always miss you. You were one a million, so strong so regal, you fought so hard for me like Zoe. Love always your Mom
Sonja

I haven't been able to get rid of any of Buddy's medical stuff either. I still have his Imunization record tacked up on the bulletin board in the dining area. I have started to take it down several times, but have put it right back up. It is still there now, under Rosie's.

I finally managed to remove his beloved stuff froggy and blanket from my bed. They had remained on the foot of my bed by the wall ever since he flew. However, they are still nearby when I need them.

It has been almost 2 years now since Buddy flew. It is not really any easier for me, just different. There is no time limit or rules regarding grief, dear Sonja. Be gentle with yourself. I don't think we ever really get over losing them. We just learn to move on and live without them until we are reunited again.

If holding on to your precious boy's things help you feel connected to him, keep them. ;)

Hugs,
Kathy

I think keep the records, sweet Sonja. I finally spent two hours sorting through a storage box filled with papers of Zoe's. Hubby took the medical records and shredded them, some I kept, the rest I threw away. You will know when you are ready. Don't plan ahead, just one day you will wake up and say I can do this today.

We are both going through many life changes, it is hard. I'm always with you Sonja.

Thank you Kathy and Addy. Like you said hopefully I will get the strength to throw the medical records away. So many transitions to make at this stage of life, closing the business, taking care of my 83 year old mother more and more, realizing we will probably sell our townhouse and move mom down the road. I just get so overwhelmed and tire more than I used to. The aches and pains cause me to not bounce back as quick anymore. And I know it is going to hit me hard when we sell our little place. Apollo grew up in this house,it is his house also.
Love you all.
Sonja,Apollo,and little Ariel
P.s. How is Koko doing and you,Addy.
And Kathy.