I lost Darla on 9/24 and my heart aches for her. Sometimes I feel o.k., then I see something or think of something that reminds me of her and the sadness creeps in again. I try to keep strong for my kids and my husband. I feel as though they shouldn't see me cry or they think it has already been 2 1/2 weeks and I shouldn't be crying anymore. My kids seem fine (they are 9 and 7 1/2). I miss her and think about her often. I feel as though I killed her. I made that decision to end her life, not her. I will never get that image out of my head, her taking the sedative, trying not to lay down, and then the dr. comes in to administer the drug. It was the worse thing I have ever witnessed. Her poor little brown eyes looking at me, I was with her the whole time, talking with her, looking her right in the eye. I told her I was sorry this happened to her and that I loved her. She suffered so much and I wanted her to be at peace. I just couldn't run any more tests on her poor little body, but I'm always thinking what if I had tried this drug or done this procedure...would it have worked. I feel like I let her down. Does she know that I loved her enough to make this tough decision for her so she wouldn't suffer any more. Does she think I just didn't care anymore and "let her go". What an awful place to be in, as I'm sure many of you can relate. I miss her and wish I could have done more. As I sit her alone crying I wonder when the pain will ease. When will I be able to talk about her without crying. You all were so nice and helpful when I was going through this, I guess you are the only people who truly understand what I am going through. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there for me.
Sarah