Apollo,missing you,1 year, 5 months

Dear Apollo
It has taken me a while to write this to you.
I came to this site to save you, I stay a while longer to save me. Every time I read we lost another baby , I cried, and thanked God it was not you. I dreaded when that day would come. Even when we would go to the park, people would say they never saw such a loving bond as was between us. I know you are still with me, because I wear the locket with your hair close to my heart and hold it often.
When you died I stopped breathing. I'm still trying to breath.
Doug said he didn't think he would have been as brave and strong as you were. You tried so hard for me.
I have so much guilt and grief still. You ,not me were the teacher. I never had a dog before and it was you who taught me so much. Because of you I loved animals even more, tried to enjoy the moments, little joys. My vet said you were born an old man. All the vets and techs who took care of you said you were one of the best patients they had, so sweet and loving. August 24,2012, at the vet's when he said you were dying , it would not be long and he prayed I would not have to make that decision for you, he held you so loving in his arms and kissed your precious little head, while Doug and I were crying. Then on Sept 9th, 2012, I felt distressed all the day, decided to go over to Mom's. While she was holding you , you reached out with your head for me, I grabbed you as fast as I could and you let out your last breath. I screamed so loud and broke down.
I went back on my notes and never realized how much you endured. I kept blaming myself for putting you on the Ivermectin, then the Advantage Plus, then so many antibiotics to try so hard to fix you, when I should have been trying to help you. All those drugs, with the TRilostane did not do you any good. And for months telling the vets there is something wrong with your intestines.
My Cushing babies, you were not born with Cushing's. I feel the combination vaccines and so many of the drugs given disrupt your immune system. My sweet Apollo, I try to look at the loving and fun times we had. There were so many. You comforted me, loved me, made me laugh and yes cry and supported me. I would care for you again in a heart beat.
Thank all of you for supporting me and not judging me.
Hugs Sonja and Angel Apollo

Having a hard time lately. Didn't know if I should write. Yesterday I opened a drawer and pulled out your file,with all the notes, reports,etc. I thought I could throw them away, but my little Angel,Apollo, all the pain came flooding back,the constant tests,the drugs,the vet visits,what you went through and I broke down,put everything back. Then I throw away an unopened special shampoo I had bought for you skin infection. Maybe it was just too much for me to handle. Not today,when I am ready. I miss you so much my little man. I am still broken. 1 year 7 months, I can not believe it. I am still grieving.
Zoe's lose has effected more than I realize. She was our little warrior fighting on for all of us.
You brought me so much love,support,licked my tears when ever I was sad,looked into my soul so often. Our bond will never break. When my time comes I will have my ashes and yours set free together .
Love you
Sonja

Love you Sonja. Seding many hugs to you and know that I care very deeply.

Baby boy,tried to light a candle for you today. I am still struggling with your lose. God ,I miss you so much. I try to have a little humor feeling you are looking down from heaven watching me. But I still want you back. I prayed every day for a miracle your last month,tried every ointment on your skin infection,worried so much about the intestinal issues. Why didn't the vets address the stomach issues. Baby boy, it is 1 year,7 months and I am still struggling with guilt.Why couldn't I save you. Your last few days,I was angry,frustrated ,feeling so helpless,knowing we lost the battle,holding onto every second I had with you,crying. I was trying to get food and water down you,when I should have been comforting you. In your last few seconds you reached your head out to me and I held you as you let out a sigh.I need to believe this was your way of showing me ,I love you Mom. Baby you were my world. I am struggling with your little brother the total opposite of you. You calmed me, I have to
ease Arial's fears and anxiety. He gets these anxiety attaches out of no where and I try to comfort him. You were one of a kind,regal,loving,stubborn,smart,brave,courageous. Missing you,my love.
Your mom
Sonja

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))0

Baby Boy
Played your favorite music box the other day, hoping I could feel your presence. Such a little dog , was my best friend, companion.
Today a humming bird starting making a nest on the wind chime, you and I looked at in the morning in the spring. My angel is it a sign from you saying, Mom , I am doing fine? It has been over 1 year and 7 months and I still can not bring myself to throw many of your things away. Not today. Why would I not expect this grief to linger still when you were such a big part of my life. Every once in awhile it comes out of no where. I tell your daddy when it hits, I am having an Apollo day.
Good night my angel.
Hugs Mom

I miss you so much. 1year 8 months. I will always keep you in my heart and soul. I still am struggling with guilt,the what if,could have,should have. So many loses on the forum lately,saddens me even more. I still have not been able to throw some of your things away. The nights are the worst. Forgive me baby. The one comfort is the picture of you August 18'2012. You looked right into my eyes and it seemed like you were still enjoying life. Baby there are days I struggle and just say,I am having an Apollo day. I am looking at a picture of you as a baby,such joy such love. Even right to end you were beautiful to me.
Love mommy

Im here with you Sonja, you are not alone. I care.

Dear Apollo
It has been one year 7 months. I miss you every day. We talk about you at the park, how regal, proud, and smart you were. My angel , I struggle still with guilt, how I feel I let you down, the last month was hard on you. You tried so hard while your body was failing you. The love so strong. The vet said you were not in pain the last month. But deep inside I think you were and I should have done something. God do I love and miss you.
My little angel
love your Mommy

Dear Sonja.
I have read your posts and after losing my little Bondo on February 18th, the pain is so fresh and so heart-breaking.....I feel your pain, also.

You sound like you and Apollo were so close and it takes a brave person to let our little ones go. I am sure you did everything you could do to make his last days here with you peaceful and calm. I find great comfort in the poem...THE RAINBOW BRIDGE. I can just picture my Bondo in a nice green meadow with the sun on his belly, fresh water for him and all sorts of good food. I KNOW he will be waiting for me and that gives me great comfort. It is funny that people say....oh, you can get another puppy but, I know, it will not be the same as Bondo. Will it be different????? Yes. We have not made that decision yet but I know we will get another doggy as we are dog people.

What the new little one will be to us, I don't know. I read other people's posts, I read cards people have sent to me, I know it was his time to go but the bottom line is.......I just want him back.

I hope all the good times with Apollo fill your head and make your heart not hurt as much. night to you.