So very sad

All I can do

Oh Dawn, anticipatory grief can be just as devastating or more so, as grief after losing a loved one. These babies are connected to our hearts and souls. It's painful to watch them struggle. You are not alone in this. Many of us have been where you are now. It is extremely hard. The best thing I found to do at the time was to stay in the moment and handle what was right in front of me. That was all I was able to do and sometimes even that was too much. I leaned on our family here because they understood and I didn't have anyone else who truly did. Please come back and talk to us. It helps...

Kathy

Oh honey, I know only too well what you are going thru. I lived in that state with Squirt for a year, or longer. I thought a couple of times that this was it, going so far as to call the vet and make THE arrangements only to have Squirt rally and keep going again. She surprised me over and over and over. I spent a great deal of that time talking to her, sharing memories of our lives together, the places we had been, the things we had seen, the people we had met. She got whatever she wanted for the most part and I was happy to provide those things whether it was something good to eat or to be left alone - she got what she wanted unless it could harm her. It can be very difficult, these last days, but they can also be more beautiful than words can describe.

Big Hugs Dawn. That is the exact term, anticipatory grief and is what many go through as they see their furbabies have a harder time.
It can be quite overwhelming.
The only real thing one can do is spend time with them and enjoying every single minute.

Anticipatory grief is very real. Having gone through it myself, I know how hard it can be. Looking back now, I wish the last two years of my little Zoe's life would have been filled with more laughter than tears. She loved to make me laugh. When you anticipate your heart breaking, laughter does not come easy.

If I could wipe away your anticipatory grief, I would. alas, I cannot. I understand the tears and sadness. If you can, try to find your laughter at least once a day. I used to say, one good thing a day, find one good thing and laugh.

Big hugs

Thank you everyone for trying to help me.

Oh my dear Dawm, I wish I could reach in the computer and comfort you. Hold on to every precious moment with Kiki. Let her know how much you love her. There is no easy way to go through this. We try so hard hoping for that miracle,hoping , praying. And at the end it is the precious moments, seconds we have with our babies. I always say they are on loan to us from heaven and there is never enough time to have them in our lives. They touch us in ways no one else can, they make us better humans.
Love always to Dawn, and beautiful Kiki.
Sonja, Angel Apollo and Karma, Ariel

Sonja, thank you

Just want to ask

I am so sorry Dawn. :o I don't know of anyone else who has continued to test for blood and urine after complete muscle atrophy has set in. Their dogs were humanely euthanized long before that point. :o

I know that you are frantically searching for answers. I wish I could be of more help and solace to you. I guess the biggest questions of all for you to process is how to move forward from where you are now and what you can do for Kiki at this point.

Kathy

Kathy,thank you for your reply.

It is impossible to have "total muscle atrophy" and still be alive. The heart is a cardiac muscle. The contractions of that muscle pumps the blood throughout the body. As long as it continues to beat, at least one muscle is still working. ;)

When I referred to "complete muscle atrophy", which I'm sure is not the proper term, I was referring to Kiki's issues. The inability to stand, difficulty eating, breathing, slow heart rate, etc.

Oh Dawn, I think you and I are alike in that we both are answer-seekers -- we want, so much, to find an explanation for things that may be going wrong. But I do believe there are times when knowing "why" no longer matters, especially when the answer would not change things. And I do believe that is the point you're at with Kiki. We talked over her diagnosis at length on your other thread, but none if us here and none of your vets can put a name on exactly what is wrong with Kiki. But even if we could, I don't believe that would really change much about how Kiki is feeling and how you are feeling right now.

Each one of us, human and dog alike, only has so much energy within us to live each day. My prayer for you, Dawn, is that you will save your energy spent on wondering "Why," and transform that energy into pure love for Kiki -- holding her and praising her and thanking her. That way, when Kiki's body no longer has enough energy to live through yet another day, her spirit will be full of the love you have passed on to her. Even if you could figure out "Why," it would not help Kiki now. Her body is too frail. But it is never too late to nourish her spirit and nobody on earth can do that better than you. Please let us help you do that.

Marianne

Thanks to everyone who has tried to help me. Even tho I could find no answers to her issues. Do not worry about us. We are both going to be just fine.

We will worry Dawn.:o We are family here at K9C, but we can only do so much to help long distance. We are positioned all over the world with many different time zones. I personally am in California. Please reach out to some other person where you are and share some of these feelings with them. It's so much better to talk to someone face-to-face.

Many of us have dealt with losing our furry children, including me. We do understand.

Kathy

I don't know of anyone who wouldn't want answers and keep looking for them. Well, that is how people end up on forums like this right. :)

Hugs.

The last three pets I've lost, I knew ahead that there was nothing else could be done. I spent hours talking with them, sharing memories with them through my tears, and giving them every favorite that I could.

It helped. Although nothing can take away the hurt and frustration.

We're thinking of you. Hugs.

No honey, you're not fine but you aren't supposed to be right now. Watching our beloved babies decline is so very very hard...and there is just no way to be "fine" with it, none at all. It rips out our hearts and flays our souls every second. But because we love them so very much, we take that pain knowing it is nothing more than an expression of the deep abiding love we share with our babies.

Dear Dawn
Now is when you need the support more than ever. Like Squirts Mom said, you are not fine. This is one of the hardest most renched, difficult things to get through. I kept hoping for a miracle right up to the end. This will take a part of you with it. Kiki is a part of you and will always be a part of you. I wish there was a cure and answer out there for you. We all feel your pain.
Sending you loving thoughts and prayers.
Love Sonja, Apollo , Karma and Ariel

Thank you for allowing me to continue to come to this forum. Has anyone ever used an animal communicator.? I think they can communicate with pets.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mommyloveskiki

I still search for answers. My baby, my life, my air. My everything. Thank you for allowing me to continue to come to this forum. Has anyone ever used an animal communicator.? I think they can communicate with pets.

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Welcome back, Dawn! Yes, I do think we've had a couple of folks who have used animal communicators and have found comfort in doing so. I hope they will be able to stop by to talk with you.

In the meantime, we continue to honor Kiki right alongside you. Such a perfect and precious little girl! It is no wonder that you continue to miss her dearly, and always will.

Sending my best wishes to you, Dawn, today and everyday.

Marianne

I would love to use an animal communicator...I am still searching for answers and questioning every decision I made for Lena. There isn't a day that goes by, that I don't think about her and wish I could hold her in my arms again. She was the dog of my heart...

The communicator I worked with is taking a break but here is another one I have heard good things about. You can find her on Facebook but I imagine if you google her name you can find her elsewhere, too. ;)

https://www.facebook.com/MelissaSehgal/timeline

Marianne, You always know what to say to provide comfort to ones that are so sad. I thank you so much. Joan, I followed your post and was so sad for you. Our babies are both white toy poodles, and little girls. I understand your pain very well. Leslie, thank you for the information. I think I will try her. Perhaps to find some sort of peace.

Peace would be lovely, wouldn't it? I go through each day doing what I have to, but Lena is in my thoughts always...the questions, the doubt, the "what did I do wrong"?? I thought we would have more time.

I want to KNOW she is okay. I want to KNOW she wasn't waiting for me to come back that night. I want to KNOW that it was her time and I didn't make the wrong decisions for her...not too much to ask, right?

I wish you peace, Dawn...maybe our little girls are best friends in Heaven~

I have spoken to Melissa Sehgal a number of times...a few were for readings which blew me away but her dog, Ginseng, also has cushing's so we've communicated about his diagnosis and treatment as well. She is an awesome person who is the consummate animal activist who walks the walk and talks the talk. She contacted me recently and told me that her schedule was freeing up and to let my friends know that she is taking appointments. What better animal communicator than a fellow cushparent? :D I don't see contact information on Melissa's facebook page but will ask her to let me know which contact info she would like me to share. Stay tuned.

Melissa's email address is melissasehgal@hotmail.com

I found the post below that I shared on my thread after my first session with Melissa. My Jojo had recently passed and I riddled with guilt because I was not with him when he died. I was a complete skeptic which made my session with her more shocking than had I been a believer. I had a second session with her when my precious Lulu crossed the bridge and I asked her to ask Lulu what she felt the night she passed. Her response was; "you know mommy because you were with me" and then she told me what happened that night. It was as if I was reliving it all over again. I believe Melissa is the real deal.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by lulusmom

I'm sorry for not visiting my own thread in the weeks since Jojo passed but it was very difficult for me to get passed the guilt of not being with my baby when he died. I've spent the last several weeks trying to make sense of it all and even had a session with an animal communicator. I've questioned my sister in law and my mom about the evening prior to and morning of Jojo's death so much that they were getting very tired of me. I had my suspicions about the cause of death and they will remain just that but after doing a lot of research and my session with my now best friend animal and human whisperer, all indications point to something called pituitary macroadenoma apoplexy. In laypersons' terms, a macroadenoma hemorrhage.

I never noticed any neurological symptoms but apparently this can come out of nowhere and cause death within 24 to 48 hours. 48 hours before Jojo died, his appetite waned and the next day he refused to eat entirely. He started pacing constantly, whining as if in pain and constantly pushing his head into his blanket over and over. The morning of his death, my mom said he declined rapidly and was just laying there, motionless but still breathing. She was panicked because she couldn't do anything for him and was anxiously awaiting my sister in law to get home to take him to the vet. Jojo took his last breath shortly before my sister in law got home.

After pouring through everything I could find on macro tumors, the sudden onset, the behavior, and a probable stroke fit with pituitary macroadenoma apoplexy. Now comes the weird part and hopefully ya'll won't think I'm crazy but a human and animal psychic cinched it for me. It was a jaw dropping hour and a half experience with this woman who told me things she couldn't possibly have known about my dad and my dogs, both past and present. This woman was introduced to me by an acquaintance because she was certain her senior dog has cushing's and wanted to talk to me about it. When I found out she was an animal communicator, I thought what the heck and went for it. I sent her pictures of Jojo, Buster, Jasper, Lulu and my dad. There is no way this woman could have known anything about my dogs or my dad, who passed 27 years ago, and to say that I was stunned by the things she told me would be an understatement.

She told me things about my dad that only he and I would know. Everybody who knew my dad would tell you that he was a very strong personality and didn't take crap from anybody and he tought me to the be the same. The first thing out of her mouth was "your dad has an overwhelming aura and he says he doesn't take s**t from anybody and then she giggled, just like I used to do when my dad used to say that to me. I used the word crap but my dad always used the word s**t. lol What followed was even more jaw dropping but I need to move on to Jojo. The first thing she said when we switched to the dogs is I feel a lot of digestive issues with more than one. At this point, my eyes are blinking rapidly, my mouth is agape and I'm thinking what the heck...how could she know about spending so much time and money recently in er hospitals with Jasper and Buster's pancreatitis and my anxiety over their continued off and on eating habits. Then she tells me that she is most worried about Jasper because he has what feels like acid reflux or something going on with his esophagus and he's telling her that it hurts for him to eat sometimes. Jasper has a severely enlarged heart and collapsing trachea which I know causes him discomfort so another jaw dropping revelation.

Now for Jojo which really blew me away. She asked me if he had trouble with his eyes because she is feeling like he isn't seeing well and is experiencing a great deal of pain behind his eyes, like the worst migraine you could possibly imagine. She said Jojo crossed over before his heart stopped beating, like a stroke and he wanted me to know that he felt no pain for quite a while before his body gave up. This is exactly as my sister in law and mother describe him so I am overwhelmed by the eeriest of feelings at this point and it was to get even eerier.

She asked me if keeping Jojo groomed was high maintenance for me because he's telling her that he wants me know that he regrets that he was such a problem. A week before Jojo died, I'm looking at the top of his head with one ear bald and the other untouched and telling him that I didn't know what I was going to do with him. The second groomer had pretty much washed her hands of him on that day and apologized for no longer being able to control him. He had so much hair on his butt and haunches....at least once a week I had to cut poop out of his hair, which was a huge ordeal. Even wrapped up like a mummy he was out of control and trying to bite the crap out of me. Yes, he was high maintenance.

I could go on and on about the incredible things she told me about all of my dogs. She nailed them and she nailed my dad. I have listened the recording twice since then and picked up even more spot on information that I missed during our session. I'm not surprised that I missed pieces because I was in a state of shock during most of our one and half hours together. With this person's help, I think I am finally at peace with Jojo's death. I still feel a bit guilty but I know that my boy loved me and he knows I loved him.

Now you can all tell me how crazy I am. :D

Glynda

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Joan, thank you. I still wonder if I did everything for her. I search every day for answers. I loved her more than I have ever loved anyone. I am hoping you to can find peace .Knowing you did everything in your power for Lena. Glynda, thank you for sharing your experience with me. I believe she is the one Leslie also recommended. When I read your post I was filled with a flood of mixed emotions. Sadness, hope, excitement, anxiety ,chance to help my heavy guilt. I am giving it much thought. And Glynda, one thing I do not see is a crazy lady. Only a lady crazy in love with her babies as I was with mine.

All the babies on this site are very special. All well loved and when one is lost, hearts are forever broken. I come here to perhaps ease my pain and lose some of my guilt. I have never been a happy person. . Than one day my neighbor gave me a tiny ,sweet baby. She was 10 months old. We looked into each others eyes and instantly bonded. A bond that was to last a lifetime. When she walked into my house, she never looked back at my neighbor. It was like she had been mine from the start. How she changed me. I started to smile and laugh. I made her my entire life, my whole world. We were almost always together. The years flew by and one day I was told she had Cushings. My world fell apart. I never felt like she had Cushings, but the vets said she did. I was to mild, to weak to stand up to them. She was treated but steadily declined and in the last year suffered lots of muscle loss, hair loss and I was told strokes. She was blind in one eye. To me, she was still the most beautiful baby in the world. I never let her see me cry. I knew there would be plenty of time for that when she was gone. I knew I soon would have to let her go. The day I released her, I cried all the way home. A rain shower came and than a beautiful double rainbow appeared. I had never seen one before. Eventho she has been gone almost 11 months, the sun never shines any more. It is cloudy .The rain comes every day. At times just a few sprinkles. at times a mist or sometimes a downpour. I still tell her every day I love her, thank her for being my baby. She made me the richest and happiest person in the world. Thank you Cushing Site for letting me express my feelings.

Dear Dawn,

What you have written brings tears to my eyes and touches my heart so deeply. You and your baby shared a perfect love. I pictured your double rainbow in my mind's eye just as you described it, and I thought to myself that it was a perfect sign, perhaps even sent to you from your baby -- a double rainbow that reflected the beauty of your own two hearts, forever side by side.

I believe I do understand why you still feel so sad, and why the clouds weigh down on you. I am so glad you've come back to write to us. I hope that by writing out your words here, a small crack may one day begin to open in those clouds. Your double rainbow may truly have been a once-in-a-lifetime gift. But the sun is always up above the clouds, even though the clouds may be hiding it right now. I believe in my own heart that your baby's love is shining right along with the sun, and my hope is that one day you'll feel her warmth and see that golden light once again. I hope that day will come soon.

Sending tons of hugs to you this morning, Dawn. Welcome back!
Marianne

Dearest Dawn,

I echo everything Marianne has said so eloquently. We will always be here for you and if at any time you feel the need to express your feeling whether they be happy or sad, please do come here and talk to us.

Sending huge and loving hugs,
Lori

Same here, Dawn...I am still struggling with all my doubts. I loved Lena more than anything and there are days that I still go over and over and over it all.

I did have a session with Melissa and it did help. I don't know if you tried yet, but it might help you a little. Sometimes in my deepest despair, I go back over some of the things she told me and I feel better for a while. I may have to ask for another session as the holidays are coming up, which my darling girl always loved. Just the thought of going through them without her is already making me dread them.

But I have two grandsons looking forward to them and my other dogs need me, as does the new puppy my husband blind-sided me with. Sibbie is going to be 10 months old in a couple of weeks and makes me smile in spite of my missing Lena so much...she also got me off the couch where I was hiding for weeks after Lena died. My other guys were fine just cuddling up on the couch and listening to me cry or watching me sleep, since I couldn't face reality while I was awake.

Try Melissa if you haven't already...sometimes when we are so close to our furbabies, we can feel them with us if we know what to look for.

Sending loving and comforting thoughts your way, dear Dawn.

Joan

Hi Dawn, it’s me again <Waving!> ;)

I have been thinking a lot about you and your baby ever since you posted your reply, and I've also thought about myself, too. It has helped me realize some things about myself that may end up being a help to you, too, and so I'll pass them on.

I've known there has been a difference in how I’ve felt since losing Peg, compared to losing my Cushpup Barkis. I grieve for both, but it is Barkis for whom I still carry guilt. Peg’s decline was gradual and age-related. I didn’t have to make any hasty decisions until the very end, and I had time to say good-by in lots of little ways over several months. I miss her dearly, but my grief for her is pure and uncomplicated, if that makes sense. With Barkis, it was so very different. He got so sick so fast. I hardly knew about Cushing’s then, and I know I made mistakes that I’d do differently now. I was so frantic at the end that I wasn’t able to find any calm or peace, or to really even say good-by. Suddenly, he was just gone, and my grief was compounded a hundred times over by my guilt over making decisions that I desperately wanted to do over.

What made it even harder for me was that nobody around me would even let me talk about my regrets. Whenever I started up, they all told me I was a wonderful mom -- that nobody could have done better. But I knew that I had made mistakes, and I still believe that’s true to this day. For the most part, after twelve years, I’d tucked that away. But I started thinking about that more yesterday. And Dawn, I finally found some peace for myself and I hope maybe I can give you some peace, too.

What I finally realized yesterday, after all these years, is that both things can be true at the same time. I truly was a good mom, regardless of how things turned out. Just like for you and your baby, Barkis and I also shared a perfect love. But even though our love was perfect, there’s no way I could be perfect in all my thoughts and actions. That is impossible for any human being. And no matter what anybody else tells me, I know I made mistakes in some of my decisions for him. I messed up. But I never made one single mistake in loving Barkis. And realizing that has finally made it easier for me to forgive myself for the things I did do wrong. All I ever wanted was the best for him, and I did the best I could humanly do at the time.

It may be true that you made mistakes, too, Dawn. But all of us here know, without a single doubt, that your love for your baby was perfect. And that was the most important thing of all, and it will always remain so. I hope the day will come when you can forgive yourself for any mistakes, too. Your baby brought such joy into your life, and that’s the way she’ll want you to feel when you think back on your lives together. All the things you did perfectly right because you, too, were a wonderful mom who loved your baby dearly. If you can believe and accept that, I know it won't make you miss her any less. But maybe it will help you forgive yourself for the things that did go wrong. Your baby never would have blamed you in the first place, Dawn, and I hope you can forgive yourself, too.

Marianne

Beautifully said, Marianne....you have a way with words that touch the heart.

I am sorry it has taken me a couple of days to come back and say thank you. I tend to be an emotional person. Thank you Marianne for your beautiful and so sweet first reply. It made me cry. Yes, my baby and I had a perfect love. And maybe she did indeed send me the double rainbow on the day she left. We were two hearts but beat as one. Thank you Lori. It is comforting to know there is a place we can all come to talk about our feelings. Whether it be happy or sad. Joan, I thank you for your loving thoughts. I read your post from the time you first came on until you lost your baby. . . It is so easy to see how much you loved her and still do. . Thank you Sonja, when my baby left, you were here for me and continue to be. You took time to support and send comforting words to me. Marianne, in your last post you said you still suffer from guilt with your Cushing baby Barkis. I have read others say this also. I know you were a great mom to him, the perfect love as I had with my baby. I know you are trying to help me ease my guilt. And that means a lot to me. I have no regrets in our life together until the last 4 years. From the moment I saw her, I loved her. We were as children, running and playing, than going to parks, camping, festivals, shopping in stores, she even went in an ice cream shop and we shared ice cream. Vanilla. In the Fall I showed her pumpkins and went to lost Maples State Park and played in the leaves. So many more thing we shared. When she got Cushings ? so many, many mistakes were made. First was the MRI. In the beginning she had shakey legs. The vets said we would do the mri after they stabilized her on trilostane. Than they said she might not make it through the mri and if she did , she would not be a candidate for surgery. That was the beginning of many, many mistakes. . All from a well known Texas college. So, that is why I suffer so much guilt. I was my babies voice, but I could not stand up to them. To mild and weak .. I know she would not blame me. . I know what she would say. She would say " Mommy don`t cry. I loved you and you loved me. We had a wonderful life together." Maybe one day I can forgive myself ,maybe.

That is a beautiful life Dawn. It's amazing isn't it, how they change our lives and bring so much joy into it.
Their love for us is quite pure. There is no guilt in it, there is no what if's, there is only the here and now and the joy, whether it be jumping in leaves together, or snuggling up on the couch watching a movie and having a nap.
That is what makes it so special and also makes it so hard to save good bye to.

Oh Dawn, your life with your baby sounds so sweet! No wonder you miss her so. I loved reading about all the things you did together. I also was so glad to hear you say that maybe one day you'll be able to forgive yourself. From my own experience, I know it will take time and it is not anything you can force. But opening the door even a tiny crack in order to let in the possibility is truly a huge step forward. I am very proud of you, Dawn. I really, really am.

Thank you .

Baby, I tried to write yesterday but every time I tried , the tears came and I could not finish. It has been a year since you had to leave me. This last year has been the longest , sadness and most painful year of my entire life. . I love you baby, I miss you so much and I still cry every day for you. Yesterday , I watched films of our happy life together. You came to life and I was happy again. I was smiling and laughing. The sun was shining, we were walking, smelling flowers, playing in the leaves, you chased a bug and pawed at the picnic basket. You always knew how to make me laugh. But Than the film ends and I`m alone again. I started to cry but through the tears I remember what you meant to me. Yes, the guilt is still so much there. Baby, you made me so happy, you showed me true love, you taught me to smile and laugh ,you showed me the world was a fun place to live, you gave me confidence , you taught me compassion, responsibility and even to cook. You loved to eat. And you taught me the final lesson. The pain of death.. . Now, who can teach me to live again with out you ? Mommys little girl. Mommy loves you forever.

Dear Dawn, what a beautiful tribute to your baby girl. The two of you shared a precious love, and I thank you for sharing your sweet memories with us. They made me both smile and cry, too. I am so sorry for your sadness. I know we cannot change that part of things for you. But as tough as it was to put them into words, thank you for sharing these lovely images of your baby. We will always honor her right alongside you.

Sending you many hugs again this day,
Marianne