Apollo,missing you,1 year, 5 months

Dear Apollo
It has taken me a while to write this to you.
I came to this site to save you, I stay a while longer to save me. Every time I read we lost another baby , I cried, and thanked God it was not you. I dreaded when that day would come. Even when we would go to the park, people would say they never saw such a loving bond as was between us. I know you are still with me, because I wear the locket with your hair close to my heart and hold it often.
When you died I stopped breathing. I'm still trying to breath.
Doug said he didn't think he would have been as brave and strong as you were. You tried so hard for me.
I have so much guilt and grief still. You ,not me were the teacher. I never had a dog before and it was you who taught me so much. Because of you I loved animals even more, tried to enjoy the moments, little joys. My vet said you were born an old man. All the vets and techs who took care of you said you were one of the best patients they had, so sweet and loving. August 24,2012, at the vet's when he said you were dying , it would not be long and he prayed I would not have to make that decision for you, he held you so loving in his arms and kissed your precious little head, while Doug and I were crying. Then on Sept 9th, 2012, I felt distressed all the day, decided to go over to Mom's. While she was holding you , you reached out with your head for me, I grabbed you as fast as I could and you let out your last breath. I screamed so loud and broke down.
I went back on my notes and never realized how much you endured. I kept blaming myself for putting you on the Ivermectin, then the Advantage Plus, then so many antibiotics to try so hard to fix you, when I should have been trying to help you. All those drugs, with the TRilostane did not do you any good. And for months telling the vets there is something wrong with your intestines.
My Cushing babies, you were not born with Cushing's. I feel the combination vaccines and so many of the drugs given disrupt your immune system. My sweet Apollo, I try to look at the loving and fun times we had. There were so many. You comforted me, loved me, made me laugh and yes cry and supported me. I would care for you again in a heart beat.
Thank all of you for supporting me and not judging me.
Hugs Sonja and Angel Apollo

Having a hard time lately. Didn't know if I should write. Yesterday I opened a drawer and pulled out your file,with all the notes, reports,etc. I thought I could throw them away, but my little Angel,Apollo, all the pain came flooding back,the constant tests,the drugs,the vet visits,what you went through and I broke down,put everything back. Then I throw away an unopened special shampoo I had bought for you skin infection. Maybe it was just too much for me to handle. Not today,when I am ready. I miss you so much my little man. I am still broken. 1 year 7 months, I can not believe it. I am still grieving.
Zoe's lose has effected more than I realize. She was our little warrior fighting on for all of us.
You brought me so much love,support,licked my tears when ever I was sad,looked into my soul so often. Our bond will never break. When my time comes I will have my ashes and yours set free together .
Love you
Sonja

Love you Sonja. Seding many hugs to you and know that I care very deeply.

Baby boy,tried to light a candle for you today. I am still struggling with your lose. God ,I miss you so much. I try to have a little humor feeling you are looking down from heaven watching me. But I still want you back. I prayed every day for a miracle your last month,tried every ointment on your skin infection,worried so much about the intestinal issues. Why didn't the vets address the stomach issues. Baby boy, it is 1 year,7 months and I am still struggling with guilt.Why couldn't I save you. Your last few days,I was angry,frustrated ,feeling so helpless,knowing we lost the battle,holding onto every second I had with you,crying. I was trying to get food and water down you,when I should have been comforting you. In your last few seconds you reached your head out to me and I held you as you let out a sigh.I need to believe this was your way of showing me ,I love you Mom. Baby you were my world. I am struggling with your little brother the total opposite of you. You calmed me, I have to
ease Arial's fears and anxiety. He gets these anxiety attaches out of no where and I try to comfort him. You were one of a kind,regal,loving,stubborn,smart,brave,courageous. Missing you,my love.
Your mom
Sonja

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))0

Baby Boy
Played your favorite music box the other day, hoping I could feel your presence. Such a little dog , was my best friend, companion.
Today a humming bird starting making a nest on the wind chime, you and I looked at in the morning in the spring. My angel is it a sign from you saying, Mom , I am doing fine? It has been over 1 year and 7 months and I still can not bring myself to throw many of your things away. Not today. Why would I not expect this grief to linger still when you were such a big part of my life. Every once in awhile it comes out of no where. I tell your daddy when it hits, I am having an Apollo day.
Good night my angel.
Hugs Mom

I miss you so much. 1year 8 months. I will always keep you in my heart and soul. I still am struggling with guilt,the what if,could have,should have. So many loses on the forum lately,saddens me even more. I still have not been able to throw some of your things away. The nights are the worst. Forgive me baby. The one comfort is the picture of you August 18'2012. You looked right into my eyes and it seemed like you were still enjoying life. Baby there are days I struggle and just say,I am having an Apollo day. I am looking at a picture of you as a baby,such joy such love. Even right to end you were beautiful to me.
Love mommy

Im here with you Sonja, you are not alone. I care.

Dear Apollo
It has been one year 7 months. I miss you every day. We talk about you at the park, how regal, proud, and smart you were. My angel , I struggle still with guilt, how I feel I let you down, the last month was hard on you. You tried so hard while your body was failing you. The love so strong. The vet said you were not in pain the last month. But deep inside I think you were and I should have done something. God do I love and miss you.
My little angel
love your Mommy

Dear Sonja.
I have read your posts and after losing my little Bondo on February 18th, the pain is so fresh and so heart-breaking.....I feel your pain, also.

You sound like you and Apollo were so close and it takes a brave person to let our little ones go. I am sure you did everything you could do to make his last days here with you peaceful and calm. I find great comfort in the poem...THE RAINBOW BRIDGE. I can just picture my Bondo in a nice green meadow with the sun on his belly, fresh water for him and all sorts of good food. I KNOW he will be waiting for me and that gives me great comfort. It is funny that people say....oh, you can get another puppy but, I know, it will not be the same as Bondo. Will it be different????? Yes. We have not made that decision yet but I know we will get another doggy as we are dog people.

What the new little one will be to us, I don't know. I read other people's posts, I read cards people have sent to me, I know it was his time to go but the bottom line is.......I just want him back.

I hope all the good times with Apollo fill your head and make your heart not hurt as much. night to you.

Apollo, Mommy misses you so much. Saturdays, and nights are the hardest. We had whip cream Saturdays,you'd sit on my lap, every night I gave a little apple before we went to bed. Everyone said you had such big soulful eyes. Why couldn't I save you. You loved when I would lay on the couch,you would lye on my stomach,just look at me and let out a sigh.
I struggle with overwhelming guilt at time. Why couldn't I save you. This horrible disease ravished your beautiful body. Seeing you fight so hard ,so much courage. I wish you could have told me what you were going through. It has been 1 year 8 months almost two years and I realize I will always miss you. Someday we will be together in heaven.
But like Addy and sweet Zoe, we had so many beautiful years, love ,joy, fun and yes the sadness. But I need to remember how I was blessed for almost 14 years with having you in my life. As my vet said, an old soul in a young body. You were my teacher.

Such a little dog took such a big piece of me when he died. My regal,proud,stubborn,smart,loving,beautiful little boy.
Love your mommy

My little Angel it is 1 year 8 months since you passed and I grieve you every day. I miss you every day. The grief hits me out of no where and I think about the beautiful life,joy,love,courage ,support,laughter you gave me. But I want you back. One more lick, one more hug.
I know you orchestrated me adopting Arial,and he has helped me with my grief. You were so calm,proud,brave. You endured so much the last year,fought so hard and I could not save you. It still haunts me about putting you on the poisons-ivermectin,the strongest dosage of Advantage to fight the mange and the skin infections when they were making you more sick.I kept asking about your intentional issues,why didn't the vets listen to me. I had to ask for the ultra sound to find out after one month about the lesions maybe being cancer and reading that the poison they told me to give you may have caused it. Forgive baby!! Thyroid medications, being told to take you off the Trilostane to increase your cortisol to fight the infections, the muscle wasting,the intentional lesions. oh God why did you have to suffer. I cry when I read about other fur balls going through this awful disease, why don't they find a cure?
I still feel it is the vaccines,the medicines which have steroids in them and the prednisone they give that causes Cushing's,but it is such a complicated disease,who knows.
Mommy misses you every day. I cry a little less, but the lose will always be there. You blessed me with your life,love,joy. Always in my heart.
Love Mommy

My sweet angel, I am lost without you. You kept me going so many times. What am I supposed to do without you. You were my rock, my foundation now I feel so lost. Life just gets harder.
Love your Mommy
If love could have kept you alive you would still be here.
my Angel warrior.

I think I want to picture Mary Beth's Ali and Zoe running after Apollo in beautiful green meadows and the three of the them having a grand old time together, hanging out waiting for us to one day arrive and be reunited. What a grand party that will be dear Sonja.:)

I think the stages of our lives makes the losses harder and the pain last longer. I think our aging moms make us face our own aging and losses and potential losses seem to be swimming all around us.

So here I am dearest first friend to hold you close, to tell you how much I care and to wipe away your tears after we both have a good cry together.

Never to be forgotton Sonja, always here with us, I clutch my locket to my heart as I pause while typing this and feel your presence and Zoe's and Apollo's too.:):):):)

I hope they get really big Easter Baskets in Heaven:D:D:D:D:D

Thank you,:p smiling picturing the three of them running free, having fun,lapping up all the good treats, snuggling together and what a party we all will have in heaven. And yes it is hard seeing our mothers age before us,realizing every moment we have with them is precious.
Just like with Zoe and Apollo,knowing time was running out for them and feeling so helpless to help.
My sister warrior to our Angel warriors,we love and miss you.
Sonja

My Apollo,almost two years missing you everyday. I told Daddy the last vacation and fun I had was almost 10 years ago with you and Karma at Monterey,Ca. We laughed and had so much fun with you.
Daddy said he could not go back there yet because the memories would make him cry.
I feel I medicated you to death, with all the medications that were supposed to help.
Why hasn't the medical field come up with a cure and prevention of Cushing's
You endured so much the last year. My Angel always in my thoughts
Love Mommy

My Little Boy always in my Heart,always on my mind. Almost two years and still wishing I could have you back. You are every where.
I still feel that I let you down. I love you so much.
Mom ,my little Angel

gentle hugs my tears fall with yours, oh how to lose the feeling we let them down, oh how to have them both even for just a moment.

dear friend, we always remember, we always love, we never forget

My little boy it is almost two years since you passed and I will always have what I call Apollo days,when I miss you so much and the tears just flow. Like Addy. How could 10 lbs. of fur impact my life the way you did. I love Arial, but it is not the deep love I have for you. Daddy and I talked about the day by Seaport Village how you ran so fast after Karma no one could believe that two dachies could run so fast. You were having so much fun, you both looked like two little race horses. I wished I had filmed you. I pray every day to feel your presence. Some days I can talk about the joy you gave me. Then the darkness comes in-the cushing- and I question all the medications you we're put on. I could not stop the muscle wasting,the skin infection got so big, the intestinal problems that I kept on questioning. My little Angel, to hold you one more time, to kiss your sweet face,only in my dreams. The guilt comes out of no where, the what if? the could of,would have,trying to accept. I am blessed with having had you in my life. Love always
Always on my mind,always in my heart.
Your Mom Sonja

My little Angel, having one of those Apollo days. Reading what Addy wrote and others helps. Almost two years and I still cry for you. We tried so hard ,you and me to beat this awful disease,but it got you at the end. I would fight for you all over again without hesitation .
Like Zoe. , Apollo you and I would dance,have our Saturday morning whip cream. You were so smart,so sweet,everyone liked you, very stingy with your kisses, did not want to go for walks,you bossed me around,if I was sad,you would lick my tears, demand belly rubs, every night you would wait for your bedtime snack, apples . I miss you so much. I don't know why but I read a few pages of before and when you died. You were such a part of me,you gave me courage to fly again when I for awhile was afraid too. I would reach down and touch you to reassure me. I held you often. You had a mind of your own. I just loved looking at your beautiful face. This disease sucked the life out of us. But during all of it I and you had some moments of joy, and always love. I still have a lot of guilt, like I could have saved you. I keep blaming my self for picking on the skin infections, I wanted the poison out of you. I know the vet said you lived longer because of me than another owner would not have done as much for you. I still remember when he held you lovingly in his arms and said what a sweet beautiful soul you are ,one of a kind,special. You taught me so much. I needed to get this out. I don't cry as much and can talk about the fun,loving times and joy you gave me. You were the first dog I ever had. You taught me well. My holistic vet,said you were born an old soul. Mommies little Angel.
Love always
It will take me a lifetime to heal,I will always miss you.

My little angel, it will be almost two years in a few months since you passed. Now all I have is memories. I had to throw a few of your things the other day because they broke. I had myself I good cry.
I realize now, there are always going to be moments of grief over losing you. But now I have moments of love and joy when I remember and look at your pictures. When ever I play your video the tears just stream down my face. You are buried so deep in my heart. Mommies little Angel.
Love Mom
Sonja

Sweet Apollo
Today is July 4th, you always wore your USA red cap and scarf. It made people smile. Love you with all my heart.
Feel gun shy about taking Arial next week for a check up. After everything you endured it is hard for me to trust the vet. Watch over your little brother. Missing you every day.
Love your Mommy

big hugs, Sonja

My baby boy, almost two years since you passed and the tears just flow.
I tried to throw out some of your medical records and notes, I started crying so hard that I could not do it. Mom and Doug said then don't ,when and if you are ready then do it. I started reading about your last few months and it all came back. I will always miss you, always carry you in my heart. The grief will come and go. And that is just the way it is. Saturday mornings seem to catch me off guard ,our special time together.
Missing my boy
Love your Mom Sonja

AW Sonja, we understand. We really do. :o No need to get rid of anything until you are sure you're ready.

Rosie has all of Buddy's things, except for two. His stuffed frog/friend who he slept with and kept near since puppyhood and his cuddle blanket. He would not climb into his nest bed unless that blanket was there. When it was washed, he'd wait for it. His frog and blanket have been on the foot of my bed (by the wall) since Buddy passed. I kept them for me. When I'm feeling particularly sad during the night, it's soothing to know that they are there to grab hold of. They have been there for over a year now and will stay as long as I need them. Seeing Rosie play with Buddy's toys and wear his little shirts makes me smile. It helps me feel like he's still hanging around somewhere.

If hanging on to Apollo's things help to soothe you, by all means keep them.;)

Please don't feel you need to leave the forum to make room for others. There is plenty of room and love to go around for all. If you are feeling that moving on will help you heal, then please do what's best for you. Know that we'll be here whenever you want to drop in to visit. We we always hold you and your sweet babies in our hearts.

Huge hugs,

Kathy

Today is Mommys birthday. You are not here. A friend said some wise words to me "Don't be sorry for the things you don't have. Be happy you had them at all."
I was so blessed to have you in my life. I did not know how hard it would be without you. I cried the other day saying I don't love Arial the way I loved you. No more sneaking you into church, Saturday whip cream day. I am crying again. In a month it will be 2 years since you died,I still cry,you were bigger than life. My little man.
Love Mommy.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SONJA! :p:p:p Yes, we all miss our fur angels, particularly around special events such as a birthday. For today, let us celebrate you!;):p

Big birthday hugs,
Kathy

Oh Sonja, I missed your birthday. I just know Apollo and Zoe and the whole gang through a party in your honor.

Big hugs, I know how you feel trying to celebrate without Apollo.

Oh I missed it too. Happy belated birthday Sonja. I know you have a bunch of angels watching over you.

Hugs
Sharlene and Molly muffin

thank you all. You all have enough going on in your lives.
Thank you for the wishes.
Love you all.:p
Sonja

I don't have anything going on in my life. Your birthday was the highlight of my day! lol ;):D

The highlight of my day was sinusitis:rolleyes::rolleyes:

Aww Sonja, you don't have to love Ariel the way you loved Apollo. Bonds form differently. Each individual is unique and no relationship with human or dog is ever the same. It is ok, sweetie, really.

Hi Sonja,

Sending you and Ariel lots of hugs and love as you approach your two year mark. xxxxoooo

September 9,2014
September 9,2012, the day I lost a part of myself, my heart, my soul.
Daddy gave you to me on Christmas 1998, you were born October 12,1998.
Little did I know the joy, love, companionship, support, and laughter you would enrich my life with. We never had children. So I guess you were my little boy. I loved you so much. Went overboard with beds, toys, treats, and clothes for you.
My world started to unravel on May 2010, when you were diagnosed with Cushing's disease. In my heart I felt what happened to you in the emergency ward in February, the drugs, etc. caused it. I was so desperate to save you.
You fought long and hard. We both adapted to the changes and limitations. I was blessed to take care of you until the end. August 25, 2012, the vet said you were dying and to take you home to die.
You made sure I was holding you when you let out your last breath. I still struggle with the guilt how the skin infection spread and kept picking on it obsessed with getting it out of you. Forgive me I was so mad at times that you would no longer eat, because I did not want to accept that you were dying. I tried everything hoping for a miracle. But there were no miracles.
You were so beautiful right up to the end. One month short of 14 years old. It wasn't enough time. But I know I was more fortunate than others. Mommy's little angel. Apollo
Always in my heart ,always in my soul.
When it is my time, I want my ashes spread with yours so we can be together again. My little Angel



MY APOLLO
There's something missing in my home,
I feel it day and night, I know it will take time and strength before things feel quite right.
But just for now, I need to mourn, My heart -- it needs to mend.
Though some may say, "It's just a pet," I know I've lost a friend.
You've brought such laughter to my home, and richness to my days.
A constant friend through joy or loss with gentle, loving ways.
Companion, friend, and confidante, A friend I won't forget.
You'll live forever in my heart, My sweet, APOLLO.

((((((((hugs))))))))

These anniversaries are the pits! Surrounding you with love dear Sonja.

love you Sonja. sorry it is so dang hard. we loved them so.

Big hugs Sonja.

Sharlene and Molly muffin

Don't know why, but I think you wanted me to talk to you today. Baby I wish you good night every day. Over two years and the pain is still there. Baby miss you always. Next month is you birthday, and I will light a candle for you. Still and will always miss you, my regal, strong,loving,stubborn little boy. You hated having a bath,would turn your back to me thinking I would ignore you. You had some pretty good hiding places when it was time for a bath. My beautiful little man right up to the end. Still question myself if I did everything I could for you. Now take good care of Zoe.
Mummy's little angel
No matter how long you would have lived it would never be long enough for me. Watch over and guide your little brother Ariel. He has many fears to overcome.

Happy Birthday, my sweet little boy, Mommy's little angel.
Default Re: Apollo fought with grace and dignity to the end, My little angel warrior
Thank you all. Today is your birthday, Mommy's little angel. I light a candle in honor of your beautiful life. I don't come to the forum that much anymore.
I went to see an animal communicator about the guilt I have about your illness and Ariel's anxiety. She said you were content with your life and happy about it. You accepted that you were dying and started preparing your soul for passing. I was frantic trying to save your body. There was so much love and a strong bond between us. When you died, in my arms you had a peaceful and joyful pacing seeing the light and being assisted to pass. Your soul is at peace and you want me to go on with my life and find happiness. You are aware of Ariel and said you don't want to help Ariel because you did your job,now it is Ariel's turn to help me. I laugh about that because you would say that. To know you were happy in your life with me and that you were at peace with your pacing in my arms is comforting. Like Addy said, about our sweet Zoe,it is time for me to be there more for Ariel, to encourage him, build up his confidence,trust ,over come is fears about the world.
Apollo,you were my teacher and now I need to be Ariel's teacher,to teach him how to be confident,proud,and how to play. Mommy' little Angel. Mommy loves Apollo
Sonja
P.s. I know Zoe,Woody,Squirt ,,Hamish,Mira,Tia,and so many others will be celebrating with you today.
Last edited by apollo6; Today at 12:24 PM.

Happy Birthday Apollo!
Hope you had a wonderful day celebrating!