My Pug Scoop (Precious Scoop has passed... )

just sending a few more hugs and healing prayers my friend....thinking of you xoxox

Hi Vicki
Just wanted to say hello and let you know I was thinking of you.My heart breaks for you as I know what you are going through.Sending lots of hugs and prayers your way today.
Love,
Patty

I will be thinking of you and precious Scoop while I am away.

Take care of yourself

Love
Mel
Xxxx

I feel like I am going to explode. There is more that I haven't talked about that went on the last few weeks. I am now feeling responsible for Scoop's passing. I would never have intentionally hurt my sweet Scoop but I'm afraid it might be my fault. I will never be able to live with this. It is tearing me apart. The pieces came together in my head tonight and I feel like I am going to fall apart. My heart hurts thinking I might be responsible for my Scoop losing his life. Dear God, please help me.

It's been hard and I haven't told all the story of what had been happening the last few weeks. I was going to in time. It's just been so hard for me. Now I feel like it might be my fault. Looking back on things I realize I made wrong decisions. I was hoping to talk to Scoop's IMS today. She ran some tests on him on Monday and said she would call me with the results. I really need to have a talk with her and see if she can help me. I'll even make an appointment and see her. That's how much I need to talk. I hope I can make it through the weekend.

On the news they were talking about blood infections and I looked things up on the internet tonight and now I am feeling responsible for my Scoop not being here. On May 29th we took Scoop to the Animal Specialty Center in NY for a consultation for Cyberknife treatment. All his tests were good and the doctor said he didn't see any reason why he couldn't have the treatment. He had MRI, CT scan, abdominal ultrasound, thoracic radiograph done. One treatment was scheduled for the following week. During that week his eating got pickier. The day before the treatment, he didn't eat hardly at all and slept all day. His belly did seem to move a little faster with his breathing. We drove to NY that evening and stayed overnight. The next morning he seemed a bit better. I took him to the hospital for his treatment and told the nurse what was going on. The doctor called and said they were going ahead and did I want a feeding tube put in after the treatment so we would have time to figure out what was going on with his picky eating and give the radiation time to work on the tumor. When they were ready to release him, which was later in the day the doctor didn't like his breathing. He listened to him and checked his oxygenation. It was good or he said he wouldn't release him. He said to make sure he gets checked out when we get home.

We stayed over night again. The next day when we got home I took Scoop to see the IMS. She said he had aspiration pneumonia. She said she thought it should have showed up within 3-4 days and this was longer. He wasn't doing too badly except he threw up a couple of times and I was afraid he wouldn't keep his meds down so Monday I took him to the hospital. He stayed for 3 days. The IMS was happy with the chest x-ray. I took him home with antibiotics. The next day I took Scoop back for blood work and his white count was high so she did a culture and started him on Clindamycin. The culture came back showing the blood infection but he was on the right antibiotic. I have to stop for a few minutes.

I am here Vicki. Up early to get packed.

You're not at fault, everything you did was to help him, I know it's tough but you can't blame yourself.

Sending you tight hugs

Still here holding you tight.

Scoop's regular vet wanted to try a med for his diarrhea. She talked to the IMS and they agreed for him to stop the one antibiotic he was taking for the pneumonia because it can cause diarrhea and start these pills to try to help bind him up. He still had the diarrhea but he wasn't going as often and it was just a bit harder. This past Saturday he seemed OK. He ate some dog food for breakfast and supper and had some chicken from Olive Garden in between. I think he also ate a couple of treats.Then during the night he started to have trouble with his breathing. I don't understand why because he was getting one antibiotic for his pneumonia and one for the blood infection. He was doing OK then all of a sudden he wasn't.

Did he get the infection from having the feeding tube put in? Should he have not had the radiation treatment? Should he have stayed on the 2 antibiotics for the pneumonia? Should he have been back on his Vetoryl? Maybe his immune system would have been stronger if he was on it.

This is so freakin hard to understand and cope with. I miss my baby Scoop so much it hurts. Now to think if I made a wrong decision and it cost him his life, I will never forgive myself. All I wanted to do was help him and now look what I have done. Nothing went right and now my Scoop is gone forever. To think I might have made the wrong decisions and cost him his life is just too much for me to take.

Please forgive me Scoop. I love you so much and I didn't want to hurt you much less cost you your life. I will have to try to live with this the rest of my life, which is going to be so very hard. I will have to get some help. I absolutely hate that all this happened and I hate the day I heard the word Cushings.
Please forgive me.
By the way. The doctor in NY said when he saw Scoop's MRI that he couldn't be sure if the tumor was causing his picky eating. I asked why and he said he didn't think it was big enough. I still decided to go ahead with the treatment because he said he wasn't sure. Scoop's tumor in Nov. was 8mmx3mm. It was 1cm x .7cm now. It grew 2mm in height and 4mm wide. The width more than doubled. He showed me the two side by side and it had gotten more rounded. So I just thought I wouldn't have to worry about the tumor after the treatment. Now I have lost my Scoop and it is even worse than worrying about the tumor because if I hadn't made those decisions he might still be here with us.

Talking to the IMS on Monday when I visited with Scoop she said his picky eating could have had something to do with his intestinal problems. I sure wish someone would have explained all of that to me. I might have done things differently. I said maybe I would have had him scoped first. She said he could have gotten the pneumonia from that too. ( But did the infection come from the feeding tube? )She said I needed to start somewhere and I started with the radiation and there was nothing wrong with that. She said this when he was still here with us. (but now he's gone). She did an ultrasound on Monday and she said his gall bladder had so much sludge she said if he would have been a healthier dog she would have recommended to have it removed.

Now nothing matters. My Scoop is gone and I feel so guilty.

Mel-I feel like I am losing it. I feel so horrible that I didn't do right by my Scoop.

You did do right by him sweetheart. I can't answer all the medical questions but from reading your post his tumor had grew and would have continued to grow. You could never foresee any of the other complications

You took him there to give him his best shot.

I know that I questioned everything for weeks afterward I lost Tia. If I could have taken her for radiation I would of Vicki

Thanks Mel,
It is going to take a long time, if ever, to get over this. It hurts so much and then to feel responsible for his death is too much to handle.
There is a support group that meets around here. I think I will have to check into it. I just can't handle this.