10 year old female beagle just diagnosed with Cushings - Ginger has passed

Why do we have to learn things after the fact? Why couldn't I have been more patient? We don't get a practice pet to learn on... but oh how i wish we did.. coulda, woulda, shoulda haunts me.. is this normal? I lost my patience with my baby a few times, not many, maybe 3 or 4.. why do those stand out like a sore thumb? Why didn't I know better? She couldn't help it... I am so, so sorry!

Cushing's guilt...we would get mad at Lena because she would go to the stairs and complain that she couldn't get up...now we know why. I'd get mad at her when she wanted to get up in the middle of the night and go out...now I know why. I'd get upset when she started peeing on the floor when she had never done that...now I know why. I would get hurt when she wouldn't want to sit on my lap or let me cuddle with her...now I know why.

Once I knew why, we always helped her up and down without complaining; I would sit on the deck steps in the middle of the night no matter rain, snow or freezing cold, watching as she made her way around the garden to pee; wee wee pads were the solution to the accidents in the house; I would be ecstatic and enjoy the times she let me cuddle her, and I would put my hand on her under the covers while she slept so she didn't know I was touching her.

I still feel guilty a lot. I should've known something was wrong. I loved her more than anything, how could I not know she was sick?? I have to believe she knew I loved her with all my heart and that if I had known, I would've been more patient. She was my baby and I know she loved me enough to forgive me, if she even noticed.

My big boy Gable has Cushing's now and I try so hard not to get mad at the food obsession, which is driving me crazy; the panting; the looong drinks of water. Thank God he doesn't pee in the house. Only once or twice and it wasn't his fault. I like to think that Lee is guiding me this time around with him and she knows that if I had known as much as I have learned in these last five years, things would have been different with her.

I understand how you feel....

Joan, thank you from the bottom of my own heart for your reply to Colleen. After all these years, I still carry guilt for times when I was impatient with my Barkis, too, even after I *knew* he was sick. Looking back, partly it was because I was just stretched so thin and wasn’t coping very well (my mom had a heart attack at the same time). I think partly it was also because I was actually feeling impatient with myself — I was flailing and couldn’t figure out a way to make him better. I so desperately wanted him to get better and I just wanted him to stop being sick :-((((. Makes no sense, does it. But nothing made sense back then. It just hurt, and those memories still do.

But thankfully there are kinder, happier memories now, as well. And what you’ve written is a great comfort to me, Joan. Surely all the love Barkis and I shared outweighed the bad moments, and always will. He’ll be my bestest boy, forever. I pray he thought I was his bestest mom, too, even with all my flaws. I did love him so, and that will be true forever.

I'm sure he knew, Marianne...I don't think they hold grudges. And I can't imagine better moms than those that are on this forum.

Thank you both for the reply! We were worn out completely. Ginger was in and out almost every 1-2 hours all day and through the night. We took turns each night, but neither of us were really getting any rest. We were physically, mentally and emotionally drained. We couldn't think straight. We never spoke harsh to her towards the end, even though we didn't know the end was so near. We rarely spoke harsh to her her entire life. There were moments we got frustrated and told her to hurry up and go potty, or told her no when she went to the door. But we would be out with her, come in and sit down and she would be right back at the door. A few times in the last couple years I lost my temper. Once, I was frustrated with other things going on and then I couldn't get her to take her pills that evening and spoke harshly to her. Another time was when she got up in my bed and was trying to scratch all the blankets up and almost fell out of the bed. I told her very firmly to get down, go on.. you're going to get hurt. I look back and can see now that I think I scared her. She didn't know where to go at the moment. After a few minutes, I went over and told her mom loves you. I was just afraid you were going to get hurt. Told her I was sorry.
But I felt like such a heel. I also got angry one night when we had about 6 inches of snow on the ground and the wind chill was below zero. She was walking all over trying to urinate and falling through the crusted snow. After about 15 minutes and freezing at 2 a.m. I just said come on Ginger.. time to go house. Come on, now! You don't need to walk 50 miles just to go potty!
I think mentally I was so spent, I never thought just how hard it was on her, if it was this hard on us! I didn't even think that maybe she was sicker than I thought. Maybe I didn't want to think that. I don't know.. I knew she wasn't eating much. I cooked and tried everything thinking maybe she wanted something different. I knew she needed to eat so her pills didn't upset her stomach. I always, always told her what a good girl she was and how much I loved her, but now I feel like such a failure. I pray she knew I loved her, I pray she didn't remember the times, I got short with her. I know their love is unconditional. I think that is what makes it hurt so..

Why can't I get past the "why didn't I"?
Seems it's always new to add regrets!

For me, I think it was partly because I so desperately wanted to change the outcome, at least in my head even though it was impossible in reality. “If only I’d done this (or that), maybe he’d still be with me now…”

As time went on and the reality of my life without him dawned daily, my mind slowly shifted to more simple and pure memories of our lives together. I’d take his collar along with me to the lake for a morning walk; I kept his bath towels neatly folded in the closet; I’d think about him stretched out alongside the bed at night. None of this stopped my tears. They continued to flow, daily. But over time, I did let loose of so many painful regrets. Not all of them, by any means. But their power over me finally started to fade.

This is a poem that has comforted me ever since the day we had to release Barkis’ spirit. He has never failed to return to my mind’s eye and to my heart whenever I have called him. And when he does, there’s no room for regrets. Only love and sweet memories. I believe this morning will be a perfect time for me to call him to join Luna and me on our morning stroll. So off we go, together once again…

We have a secret, you and I
that no one else shall know,
for who but I can see you lie
each night in fire glow?
And who but I can reach my hand
before we go to bed
and feel the living warmth of you
and touch your silken head?
And only I walk woodland paths
and see ahead of me,
your small form racing with the wind
so young again, and free.
And only I can see you swim
in every brook I pass
and when I call, no one but I
can see the bending grass.

Author Unknown

That's so pretty, Marianne...I close my eyes and remember what it felt like to kiss her cheek, her belly and the underside of her ears; how she used to sigh contentedly when I held her against my heart; the way she would always have her eyes on me no matter where I was, or what I was doing. Those memories comfort me.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by labblab

For me, I think it was partly because I so desperately wanted to change the outcome, at least in my head even though it was impossible in reality. “If only I’d done this (or that), maybe he’d still be with me now…”

As time went on and the reality of my life without him dawned daily, my mind slowly shifted to more simple and pure memories of our lives together. I’d take his collar along with me to the lake for a morning walk; I kept his bath towels neatly folded in the closet; I’d think about him stretched out alongside the bed at night. None of this stopped my tears. They continued to flow, daily. But over time, I did let loose of so many painful regrets. Not all of them, by any means. But their power over me finally started to fade.

This is a poem that has comforted me ever since the day we had to release Barkis’ spirit. He has never failed to return to my mind’s eye and to my heart whenever I have called him. And when he does, there’s no room for regrets. Only love and sweet memories. I believe this morning will be a perfect time for me to call him to join Luna and me on our morning stroll. So off we go, together once again…

We have a secret, you and I
that no one else shall know,
for who but I can see you lie
each night in fire glow?
And who but I can reach my hand
before we go to bed
and feel the living warmth of you
and touch your silken head?
And only I walk woodland paths
and see ahead of me,
your small form racing with the wind
so young again, and free.
And only I can see you swim
in every brook I pass
and when I call, no one but I
can see the bending grass.

Author Unknown

---

This is so special.. so touching. Thank you for your words and sharing this beautiful poem.
Last night and today, for whatever reason is extremely hard missing my Ginger.
Big hugs to all.

My boy, Harley, has been gone for 10 years now and for me those "what if's and should of" do come back to haunt me every now and then but not often. Those regrets have now been replaced with very fond and happy memories of my precious boy. My Harley was such a frisbee nut, he just loved catching those discs and I loved throwing them for him! He used to "smile" at everyone, I just loved that smile of his, he would wrinkle up his nose and his teeth were exposed, people thought he was going to bite them but that wasn't so, he just loved everybody!

Give yourself time to grieve, my friend, and do not ever be ashamed of that grief, we do understand how you feel and will always be here for you. Sending tons of loving hugs ♥♥

Lori

Lori, thank you... we keep thinking it should be better by now, hurt less, less tears. I know it hasn't even been 2 months, but some days the hurt feels like yesterday, yet so long since we have seen her, touched her, stroked her.
We both have had days of no tears, but very few. I know there we be more and more of those days... eventually. Very thankful for all of your support, love and experiences you all are so willing to share.

You were my favorite hello and my hardest goodbye! Missing my little girl so, so much!

Colleen, my heart goes out to you as this Mother’s Day weekend dawns. I know you’d give anything to have your furbaby in your arms once again. It must be so, so hard for your arms to be empty, especially right now. But no matter what, a cherished mother you’ll always be, because love never dies. Never.

Forever in your heart; forever in all our loving memories. That’s where your sweet baby Ginger is safely cradled.

Sending my hugs to you from across the miles, in honor of a forever loving mother and a precious girl.
Marianne

Thank you so much. It is a hard weekend.. Longing for her, I am trying to focus on all the Mother's Days I was blessed to share with her! 16 beautiful memories! I am thankful for everyone of them and know I enjoyed more then some moms ever did. I am grateful for that. I think no matter the years, we will always want " just one more".
Hugs to all that are missing their furbabies this weekend also.
Thank you for all of the support. I pray I can be of help to others at times on here as you all have graciously been helping me. Love, Colleen

Oh Colleen, you’re already being a help to our family. The feelings you are writing about are shared by many others, I’m sure — folks who haven’t been able, or felt able, to write about them on their own. By giving voice to your own loss, you’re also speaking for other moms and dads, as well. In that way, the sorrow and the loss and yes, finally the comfort, are shared among all who come here to join us. And hopefully, that makes the burden a little lighter for everyone who is in pain.

We’re so glad you’re here with us, and a member of our dear K9C family.
Sending our love right back at you!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by labblab

Oh Colleen, you’re already being a help to our family. The feelings you are writing about are shared by many others, I’m sure — folks who haven’t been able, or felt able, to write about them on their own. By giving voice to your own loss, you’re also speaking for other moms and dads, as well. In that way, the sorrow and the loss and yes, finally the comfort, are shared among all who come here to join us. And hopefully, that makes the burden a little lighter for everyone who is in pain.

We’re so glad you’re here with us, and a member of our dear K9C family.
Sending our love right back at you!

---

Thank you so much..very thankful to be here.
I know one thing... my little girl sure loved life!

Another hard few days, especially for my husband. As my heart is broken missing Ginger, It is also broken for him. I am trying to be strong for him, yet when his tears flow mine join his. It feels like they are always right on the edge... waiting for that one memory, that one smell, that one meal to trigger a memory and start the flood of tears.
We find strength in each other, yet at times we end up a blubbering clump on the couch together.
Still, we know we grieve differently and must allow each other their own way, own time, own healing.
For those of you that are dealing with Cushing's pups, older pups, various illnesses I share from experience, have all the patience you can. Show all the love you can. Be as gentle and understanding as you can. You will still have regrets.. we always will, but when you know you did your best, tried your hardest, loved as unconditionally aa you could, your regrets may not be as many, may not hurt as deeply....
Praying for all of you and sending love.

11 weeks and I could not, can't fight the tears back today. Perhaps denial is beginning to be replaced with reality. I do not know... All I know is I ache and long for her.. it cannot come soon enough to be reunited and I know we will be. Hugs to all..

These times are to be expected as we learn to adjust to life without our loved ones. It starts to feel as if we are finally coming to grips with things then out of the blue the bottom falls out all over again. We spiral down over and over but in time we realize those spirals are fewer and not quite as deep as they once were. Then the real healing can begin and we can start to look beyond the pain for short periods. So as much as it sucks you are right where you are supposed to be for now. Just keep reminding yourself this does get better. I know there are times that is flat impossible to believe so when you can't believe it, let those of us who have walked this valley before believe it for you.

Hugs,
Leslie

Thanks so much! Every reply is helping.
Yesterday marked 3 months since we had to say goodbye.
It just doesn't seem real, yet the heartache and emptiness does. We just plain miss her period!!! She was in everything we did, it everywhere we went.
We went to visit my Daddy's grave. My WWII, Korea, and Vietnam Hero. The first man that loved! Ginger loved him and oh how he loved her!! It will be 5 years this July that Dad passed away. It was a very emotional day, yet I know Ginger is with him and They are taking care of each other. For that I am grateful.
For those of you on this wonderful forum that have service members that have gone on before you. I thank you. They are honored, respected and will not be forgotten.. ever!����❤❤��������

13 weeks now... still struggling.
I am learning it is more of a moment by moment rather than day by day!

Sending huge loving hugs ♥♥♥

I still count down...now they are years instead of weeks. She is in my thoughts so many times every day...memories, pictures, the garden, every room in the house.

Many, many hugs to you...

Thank you. All the hugs help knowing not only my sweet Ginger was/is loved by all of you, but I am also!

Oh yes! Ginger is in everything we do, every where we go..
The daily routine of her care has sent me in a very lost state of mind. I think I needed someone to take care of, as much as she needed someone to take care of her..
Just...plain... empty....

That was something I learned about myself thru Squirt....I need to be needed. As much work and dedication as it required to look after Squirt in her latter years I would do it all over again and again and again.... People made comments to the tune of things like "why do you spend so much money on that dog?", "why don't you just let her go and get a young, healthy dog?" and others just as ignorant. I tried to explain the rewards more than compensated for any energies I expended on her behalf but for them to understand what I meant by that they would have to be able to comprehend the love Squirt and I share....and not many can do that. So even tho it still hurts to live without my Sweet Bebe I remind myself how lucky I am that I have been blessed enough to know such a love and to know it more than once. We really are blessed. In spite of the price we pay, we are so very blessed.

Absolutely we are blessed to know that kind of love and affection. I wouldn't trade that bond for anything in the world! I, too, would do it over and over and over again for my sweet Ginger!

16 weeks.... I long for my sweet Ginger daily, nightly. The routine, the snoring, the unconditional love, those beautiful soft floppy ears and those gorgeous brown eyes.
I am holding on... sometimes by a thread, but still holding.
Such a precious precious gift she was and will always be.
Hope you and yours are well.

Thank you for your kind wishes, Colleen, and I’m sending my warmest thoughts your way as you continue to grieve for your precious girl. Sometimes truly the best we can do is to hold on by a thread. But hopefully the moments will come when the thread feels a bit stronger and more resilient. Perhaps only for a moment at first, but always being strengthened by the sweetest memories tucked safely in your heart.

My own heart is with you this morning,
Marianne

Thank you so very much!❤
So Yesterday, Monday, July 5th I celebrated my birthday and our 27th wedding anniversary. Though I am extremely thankful for each day, each milestone, it was bittersweet with my sweet Ginger not there to celebrate with me in person. She always got a small piece of plain yellow cake.. Today I would have given her the whole thing just to have her one more day! So glad we had 16 birthday celebrations together for her, and for me. Hold tight and i all circumstances, practice patiences... hope you and yours are enjoying your summer so far.

Awwwww, Happy Birthday and Happy Anniversary to you, Colleen, although I know the celebration had to be so bittersweet. My husband and I are still getting used to much quieter holiday celebrations, ourselves. We have no human children, so a lot of our holidays were always linked with our parents and older relatives who sadly have all passed on. The final loss for me was my 99-year-old mom who left us two years ago. She was cognitively as sharp as a tack right up to the end, so it was a joy to have her with us for all the holidays (she was in a seniors’ residence nearby). We had planned to branch out a bit with extended family after her death, but then COVID arrived, so you know the rest of that chapter…

Anyway, we’re so lucky that Luna is still with us, and that we’re able to celebrate the holidays, ourselves. But that doesn’t change the tug on the heartstrings and the wistful memories of wonderful days now behind us.

Continuing hugs and best wishes heading your way,
Marianne

Happy birthday and anniversary from me too!

My first birthday after Lena died was my 60th...and I missed her every second of that day. I spent the day by myself, my husband was away at a seminar, Jess and Sigi came with the kids after dinner with cake, and I really just wanted to be by myself.

The firsts are so hard....

So sorry for the loss of your mom, and all the others.
My mom just turned 91 in May.. she is struggling with dementia, as my daddy did prior to his death July 22, 2016. He was 91, they had just celebrated their 69th wedding anniversary..
I too have no children. My husband has a grown son, but he out of state so Ginger was my only " child" and truly helped fill that void! We are trying to stay busy, or make ourselves be busy.. the desire isn't there.. we just ho the the motions.. but it is a start..
Thank you for the birthday/ anniversary wishes!

I just turned 62.. you are so correct. The firsts have all been the hardest. My mind jumps ahead to Gingers upcoming birthday Sept. 1st. She would have been turning 17. I have to pull myself back and focus on today only as we are not promised tomorrow.
Sending hugs your way. Thank you for the Birthday/Anniversary wishes!

As we head into our 19th week without our little girl, with much prayer and tears, we know we are coming along a little better. It is still hard every day, but it is not all day. It hits out of the blue, an almost sick feeling that she is not here physically anymore, but forever and always in us and with us. Oh to just hold her once again. To tell her how much we love her and to thank her for everyone of the years we had! She knows. We know she knows. We tell her everyday, but it would still be nice to hold her and tell. Hope this finds you all doing well!

I know...I still wake up on Friday's with that sick feeling that she died on a Friday five years ago. Sometimes I think that I haven't thought about her all day, and then realize that I have. Everything reminds me of her and I think about her automatically without realizing it. She will always be in my heart and my thoughts...she was my heart.

Yep.. that sick feeling is so strong, we are coming up on 21 weeks... some days are getting a little better, others still are very, very hard. So many irrational thoughts.. did she know what we were doing? Did she think she was a problem and we didn't want her anymore? How do you let go?? I know neither are true. but why is our mind so hurtful sometimes? My heart knows different... but the tears flow... Missing Ginger so, so much.

It's not that our minds are hurtful, just that we want to change the outcome.

I always wonder if she looked for me before they put her to sleep...did she hear me on the phone telling her how much I loved her? Was she waiting for me to come back? If I had been there would she have pulled through?

Still....

I saw a cloud formation today that looked just like her. I took a picture and showed it to my husband and he recognized her right away. I know she's still with me, she's my heart, she always will be.

I suppose you are right. Our minds are not hurtful. We do so want to change the outcome. More than anything!!
Ging will always, always be with us. She, too was our soulmate, our heart!!
That is so awesome about the cloud!! That has to be a very special picture!!
Blessings to you all!

Good evening all. Hope this finds you enjoying your summer. The weather has been great for the garden..thankful for that.
Beginning 22nd week without my Ginger. She is in, and a part, of everything I do, everywhere I go.
This morning I caught a hint of her scent
I thought I did.. my heart wanted to look for her, pick her up and just breath in all those wonderful smells!
My mind knew different. I caught a tear on my cheek and let in dry on my finger... just for her...��