Lena, Teacup Poodle w/ adrenal tumor - Lena is now an angel

I agree with what Marianne said in that Most it the lab work is a discovery, there also as she also mentioned a risk of infection spreading and we've seen that before, not always with cushings, it is a risk for any dog that has an infection in tooth or gums and it spreading. It is even possible with a perfectly healthy dog. The alternative though is not having dental work done and then they still can get an infection from not having it done and that can spread just like if they had the teeth cleaned. So, really you see, it can go both ways no matter what you do and no one dog is more likely to have something happen than any other I don't think.

Cushings in itself is known to be hard on the heart. So, while it is more rare, it isn't unheard of to have dogs with cushings develop heart problems.
High cortisol just wrecks havoc on the body, in dogs, in horses and in humans.

I know it is hard to not "what if" we all do it, and I have yet to find anyone whose dog has passed who didn't to some extent feel guilty for something. It is the price we pay to be the caretakers of such wonderful, loving, loyal companions. We have so much responsibility for their lives that there is no way to not try and second guess ourselves, even after the fact.

What I have said so many times, is that for every decision there is a result. If we didn't take the road we do take, but instead of taken the alternate one, would the result be better or worse. It can go either way and we will never know the answer to that question.

I wish I could give you the words that would make you not doubt yourself but again, I think it is a natural part of the grieving. There is pain and loss and anger all associated with losing those we love so much .

Thank, Sharlene...I only just saw this this morning. I was reading Jen's thread about the Theophylline. I wonder if this is what happened that last night. My vet had given her a quarter pill of 100mg that afternoon and maybe because she was having breathing issues anyway, she just had a bad reaction to it and it pushed her poor little heart too much.

I know I will never know and maybe it was better for her, rather than for me to keep trying when she might have been just too tired to go on. I'm glad that she didn't have a lot of the other issues that I read about on this forum...I don't know how you all can bear it sometimes.

It's been one week today...I miss her sweet little face.

Hi Joan, I just caught up on your thread the past few days.

Please, be kind to yourself. The guilt can be overwhelming, but it will do nothing but hurt you now. Just like Sharlene said, for every action, there is a result. We can only do the best we are capable of doing and hope it's the right decision. Such is our burden to bear. You did an amazing job with Lena and even if all else failed, you loved her well, which is all they ask for.

I know, Renee...I am just having such a hard time getting past the guilt and the "what ifs" right now. I know I should stop searching because it is just making me feel worse.

I just thought I would have her a little bit longer.

My dear Joan, I well know all the emotions you are feeling. I too feel like you. When my Tammy passed I felt intense pain and grief. An ache in my heart . Than I felt so much guilt and what ifs. And anger at the vets, thinking they did not do everything they should have done for her. These are all normal feelings. It has been almost a month, and the feelings at times are still there. But I try to switch my feelings to a happier time. When I first got this tiny ball of fur. The love and the fun we had. I know she knew how much I loved her. And she knows I tried my best to do what was right for her. So does your little Lena know this. . She knows how much you loved her and that you took the best possible care of her. The healing process will take a long time. . And our babies will never be forgotten. Brianna

Thank you, Brianna...I am so glad I found this forum, I know I am not alone. My family is afraid to call me because I'm always crying...and yesterday was so hard, one week! It is still so hard for me to believe...and so many people just don't understand.

Lena was not "just a dog", she was my baby, as Tammy was yours, as they all are. I cry every time I read about another one we lose on this forum, and I cry when I read the first threads when they come on so desperate and afraid, looking for help.

I have been able to think back at happier times, and I have been able to look at pictures and smile a little a few times in the last couple of days, so I know it is starting to get better. But sometimes the littlest thing will just hit me and I feel like I'm going to scream.

But I have my two rescues who are both 7 and our little teacup Chihuahua who is 11, they need me and they miss her too and I have to pull myself out of my sadness and try to enjoy the time I have left with them.

Lee will always be in my thoughts, my soul and my heart...I guess there is always that one.

Thank you, dear Brianna...

Two weeks today since you left me, my precious Lee. I still can't believe it. All time is now based on before and after. I miss you every second of every day.

I think Phoenix will be joining you soon, he won't eat anything and is drinking tons of water. You both got here the same year, I think.....it's hard to remember.

My darling girl, my precious angel, my beloved Lena....

Love, Mommy

Oh Joan, I'm so sorry to hear about Phoenix. Too much sadness within such a short time -- my heart goes out to you!

One of my closest friends in all the world was named Lena. We lost her to cancer two years ago, and I will always miss her dearly. She loved doggies with all her heart, and I'm betting my Lena is carefully watching over her little namesake until the time comes for you to be reunited with your sweet angel once again. My Lena will make sure no harm comes to your baby, ever.

Huge hugs being sent your way,
Marianne

Thank you, Marianne...loss is such a terrible thing to get over sometimes. I guess I just have to finish all of the stages, but they keep getting interrupted. Phoenix, who is a cat, is either in kidney failure or congestive heart failure and is in hiding. He is so afraid of everything that to take him to the vet will terrify him and I don't want to do that to him. He seems content with dying on his own.

And my husband brought home another teacup poodle last week without consulting me. I would have told him not to if he had asked. She is 2 months old and is the cutest little thing, but I have to work all day...so now instead of just missing my Lee, I have to miss Sybil as well, plus I was not ready to deal with this.

So now I will have to crate her all day and have another worry on my already overwhelmed mind. He just doesn't get it.....

A question:

What does this mean?

check her eyes to see if she has any dmgs from high blood pressure (signs of pheo)

I saw this on another post and was just wondering. Lena had something going on in one of her eyes the last few days....

Hmm, you know I don't know, other than if dmgs just means damage, and high blood pressure, whatever the cause of it, can cause problems with the eyes. It has in our molly. She has retinal bleeds from high blood pressure (due to either high cortisol or kidneys) that caused scarring and where the scars are, she has loss of sight.

One of the signs with pheo's is high blood pressure, and that can then cause damage to the eyes.

My darling girl would have been 15 today...

Happy Birthday, my precious...Mommy's been crying all day. I love you, Lena with all my heart.

Oh, Happy Birthday from all your K9C family, little Lena! Always remembered and always honored!

And Joan, sending many consoling hugs to you on this very bittersweet day. We know how hard each and every milestone can be. :o

Marianne

Happy Birthday to your sweet angel girl.

((((hugs))))
Terry

Oh Joan :( Sending you great big hugs! I wish that Lena was still here to celebrate, but we will celebrate her life with you and what a special joy she was to you and your family!

Thank you all for your birthday wishes for my angel. It was a tough day, but I managed to get through it. A lot of tears and looked through so many of her pictures...luckily no one else was home, except for the other dogs, and I could have my crying time in private. Facebook came up with a memory from last year and it was her picture and me wishing her a happy 14th birthday....that started a whole new crying episode. It still shocks me sometimes and I feel like it can't possibly be real. But it is, and I will have to learn to live without my darling girl.

I don't have to like it though...

I know how you feel, Bandits birthday is in March also, I'm trying not to think about it, it is very hard. My thoughts are with you.
Happy Birthday Lena, you are loved so much and I know you felt that.

I know...it is. Crying all day helps. My friend, Connie says though, one day of crying and you have to hide in the house for three until your face goes back to normal.

How old would Bandit have been?

Tears are a good way to let all that emotion out though, even if you do have to hide for 3. :) Some days a good cry just does a world of good.

Sending you big hugs Joan. I know this is going to be a harder Easter with Lena not there.

Thanks, Sharlene...she did love the holidays. Food cooking in the oven, everyone holding her...it's going to be hard for my nephew also. He always called her his "special little friend". I don't know why, but she was the most comfortable with him holding her, besides me of course. Even at Christmas when you could tell she was uncomfortable, she let Matt hold her and carry her around. He's 30 and has Asberger's and she just seemed to know that he needed her.

Happy Easter to you and your family. Thanks for everything, Sharlene.

Dogs just seem to know don't they.

Happy Easter in Heaven, my sweet baby girl. Everyone missed you today, especially me. It wasn't the same without you, Lee.

Belated condolences to you on your loss of Lena. Reading your thread made me cry. I'm so sorry for all you and Lena went through.

I don't know if this will help, but I'll share a little of my last moment with my precious Lucy cat. She came to me as a stray and I promised to always protect and care for her. Yet when she got sick, there was nothing I could do to stop her kidneys and heart from failing on her. I felt in that alone I betrayed her. Also, the morning she died, she had been sick. I held her for a long time. Then I went at the scheduled time into the kitchen to get her food. Upon my return, she had slipped into unconsciousness. Again, I felt I had let her down.

It's been over two years and I still feel a little of that guilt. But, I mostly feel the depth of the relationship we had. And I pray for you that one day this is also what you will see with Lena. You had her in the hospital to help her health. And you were there for her all her life. That's what you need to remember.

My husband lost a senior adopted dog last spring to Cushings. Now we're facing the various health issues of our poodle. All we can do is love, love, and love. Hugs to you during this painful time.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Allison

Belated condolences to you on your loss of Lena. Reading your thread made me cry. I'm so sorry for all you and Lena went through.

I don't know if this will help, but I'll share a little of my last moment with my precious Lucy cat. She came to me as a stray and I promised to always protect and care for her. Yet when she got sick, there was nothing I could do to stop her kidneys and heart from failing on her. I felt in that alone I betrayed her. Also, the morning she died, she had been sick. I held her for a long time. Then I went at the scheduled time into the kitchen to get her food. Upon my return, she had slipped into unconsciousness. Again, I felt I had let her down.

It's been over two years and I still feel a little of that guilt. But, I mostly feel the depth of the relationship we had. And I pray for you that one day this is also what you will see with Lena. You had her in the hospital to help her health. And you were there for her all her life. That's what you need to remember.

My husband lost a senior adopted dog last spring to Cushings. Now we're facing the various health issues of our poodle. All we can do is love, love, and love. Hugs to you during this painful time.

---

Thank you, Allison...we also lost two cats to kidney failure this past year, one was 19 1/2, the other the same age as Lena. We did everything we could for the first one, Temujin, including I/V fluids at home, but he finally needed to be put to sleep...I was with him. The other one, Phoenix, was terrified of everything and I knew we wouldn't be able to treat him as we couldn't hold him to do anything. If he wanted to be petted, he would let you, but the minute you tried to hug him or pick him up, he panicked. He stopped eating and kept hiding, so I knew he was getting ready to leave us. I finally found his hiding spot and brought him in to be put down. He was very calm and even purring while they injected him. I know he went peacefully as I was finally able to hug him.

I just can't understand why the one I loved more than anything, left without me being there. It just torments me that she might have thought I abandoned her, or she was waiting for me to come back. I guess I will just have to come to terms with it somehow, someday.

I don't ever want to go through Cushing's again...but my husband went and got a new toy poodle. She is only 3 months old, but already I am worried that she will get Cushing's too. I am trying to enjoy her, but I am still so sad. Last night I was watching something on TV and I laughed out loud and she stopped what she was doing and just stared at me. I realized that she had not heard me laugh in the month since we've had her, and it made me feel bad. This time I will be watching since I know the signs. With Lena, I just thought she was getting old...

I hope all goes well with your poodle, they are such good dogs!

Oh Joan, a new puppy in the house. :)

I'm sure your hubby was trying to bring a smile to your face again and a puppy is hard to not smile at.

I know that you will eventually bond with this little one too, maybe not the same as Lena of course, but a new bond, all it's own, as this new little one, needs you, needs to know love and laughter too. She is now a part of your family and your pack and just remember Lena and what she liked and how much she loved to be near you and know that this little one needs and wants the same thing and let Lena guide you. She taught you well remember. :)

Sending you big hugs Joan!

Thank you, Sharlene...she is a cutie and I am falling in love with her. The boys are finally getting used to her and even playing with her. Our 11 year old, chihuahua hates her!

It's still hard though. I see Lena everywhere and find myself looking for signs. Sibbie is red, not white like Lena was, which is good, I think it would be much harder if she looked like her. And I think my husband got robbed, she is bigger than a teacup, probably a toy, which is also good as I won't have to worry about her so much. She's also more independent than Lee. Lena was attached to me from the first night and we did everything together and I loved every minute of it for almost 15 years!

But I can't be with Sibble every minute, I am out of the house 9 1/2 hours, so she will need to fend for herself and not depend on me as much. She goes to work with my husband and then I pick her up on my way home from work. She loves being home but she is still too small and young to be alone all day with just the dogs...maybe by the summer.

She is funny, a bundle of energy and exhausting! She's living in a house of seniors and is bringing new life into the house. I still miss Lena all the time, but Sibbie needs a mommy and I am Mommy...she follows me from room to room even though she doesn't have to be held; she lays on the bottom shelf of the towel rack while I shower and get ready for work in the morning; sleeps at my feet if I am doing something (Lena would insist on being held!); and cries if I go somewhere where she can't get to me, but not for long.

We are forming a bond and you're right, it will be a new, different one...

Sibble is just showing her own personality and that will make it much easier to not compare her to Lena. Really if she had been a say, baby shihtzu, you wouldn't be thinking Lena at all and that is how you have to look it, just another little baby who needs a mommy and you are it. :)

She sounds absolutely adorable and how sweet that your husband takes her to work with him and you pick her up. Just like daycare eh. :) They really are adorable little things but oh yes, the energy levels!! Mamma Mia! Not sure I'd be ready for that. :) :) :) Well, yes I would but I'd need lots of naps!

Big hugs Joan, what an adventure you are starting.

Hi all...can someone put the photo contest information up again, please? I can't find it...

Thanks!

Joan, here's the link to the Photo Contest thread. It's on our "Everything Else" forum. :)

http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7864

Thanks, Marianne~

My first Mother's Day without you, my precious...always the first to kiss me in the mornings. How I miss you, Lena. Almost 3 months and I still miss you as much as the day you left me. I love you with all my heart, Lee, forever and always.

First are always so hard and especially when one of your babies isn't there. :(

Sending you big hugs Joan!!

Thanks, Sharlene.....

I hope you had a good day, I know how you feel. They say it gets easier with time but I still can't see that or feel that. I silently talked to Bandit all day yesterday. Hugs to you

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by budindian

I hope you had a good day, I know how you feel. They say it gets easier with time but I still can't see that or feel that. I silently talked to Bandit all day yesterday. Hugs to you

---

Same to you...I was thinking of you yesterday and hoping that Sammy was keeping you busy.

It hasn't gotten easier...sometimes I can't believe I still have tears left...I cry for her all the time. Every time I start to talk about her I see the "oh no, she's going to cry" look come over everyone's face...and I do.

Dear Joan, my own heart is breaking for the pain that you are suffering. Losing a spirit as precious as Lena is not something that we ever "get over" (as many thoughtless people are quick to urge). We just have to force ourselves to walk through each and every day, baby step by baby step by baby step.

I do want to speak to one thing that has saddened me so much on your behalf, though. From replies you have been writing to other folks, it seems to me as though you are blaming yourself for Lena's death because you chose to treat her with the Vetoryl. To this day, I still feel such remorse over certain decisions I made about my own Cushpup's care. In truth, it is entirely possible that mistakes were made, and in hindsight, I would have done things differently had I only known in advance what was going to happen. But that's the rub -- we can never know in advance. We do the best we can with what we know at the time. That's all we can ever do.

I suspect that saying this won't make you feel any better, at least right now. But I hope that with time, you will find a bit more peace and acceptance in knowing that every decision you made for Lena was 100% out of your love for her. Some of the decisions did not turn out the way you had hoped, but that is not your fault. Truly it is not. If only we had the power to be all-knowing, but that is not a power we humans can ever have. We do have the power of love, though, and no dog was ever blessed with more love than Lena.

Finally, for whatever it is worth, I am personally doubtful that it was the Vetoryl that caused her respiratory failure. It sounded as though the vets were aware of cardiac weakness as well as the possibility of a clot having been thrown. Both of these issues would more likely be the result of Cushing's itself, as opposed to the Vetoryl. If anything, you would hope that the Vetoryl would stave off both of these issues. From reading your thread, Lena had both good and bad days while taking the medication. It just seems more likely to me that her tired little body was no longer able to carry on in the face of the demands that the disease and her age placed on her heart and lungs.

But again, that is just my own thought, and probably will not change how you are feeling at all. I just hate to see you blaming yourself for giving Lena the medication that we all hoped would help her. No doggie could have asked for a more loving mom or a more precious life.

Continuing to send you so many hugs from across the miles.
Marianne

Thank you, Marianne...it's not that I don't think the Vetoryl doesn't work because obviously it does. It's just that it doesn't seem like it was the right decision for Lena.

I have days where I know that I did my best for her with what knowledge I had at the time. I just wish that I had found this forum sooner...I've learned so much more here from all of you.

Dear Joan, it`s so easy to see how heartbroken you are. And my heart breaks for you. Lena was such a precious little baby. I have feelings much like you. I`m not even sure if Tammy really had Cushings. Even though her cortisol was elevated and there was some hair and skin issues, she never had most of the cushing signs. Not the signs you would expect in a cushings dog. So Joan, I really understand. I wish I had found this site earlier too. But on the other side, we do the best we can with the knowledge we have. And of course most of us trust our vets completely.. I see nothing you did wrong. I see a loving mom who did everything in her power and knowledge to help her baby. It will not be easy,it will take time but please be kind to yourself. Lena would like that. She knows how much you loved her. Brianna

Thanks, Brianna...my mind knows this....I'm just waiting for my heart to catch up.

I really appreciate your support and understanding. Please know I am here for you, too.