Big ole sobby hugs, Sharlene.
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Big ole sobby hugs, Sharlene.
Sending loving bugs too.
I know my husband is just as devastated as I am just doesn't show it the same way. I'm glad that you know the same now too Joan. It does help to have someone there to share the sorrow with when needed.
Holidays are hard for sure. Too many of us this year going through the same things in our own ways.
I think it is going to be interesting to discover who was the leader doing what at your house Marianne.
Hugs to you too Shana.
and heck. I feel like a group hug! We all sink or and/or swim together
Big hugs for sure...I am hanging on to all of you!
Sharlene, that had to be difficult finding Mollys coats so unexpectedly. Hearing that makes me wish Tank had more things that I could have saved. All I have is a stuffed turtle, his collar and his bed, which for me is something I will most likely keep forever. It was very expensive (memory foam) and I never worked so hard to keep anything as clean as that bed during the last couple of months he was alive. He always peed on it when I left him home alone. I had to keep it perfect. I couldn't afford another one like it. I bought it for him not long after he was diagnosed with Cushing's and noticed he was walking a lot more just after the first week.
I haven't cried from missing him in a long time. I can only think. Lots of memories, awesome ones, and I get lost in my mind for a while. I remember things from when he was just a puppy, that seem so real as if it was happening right at that very moment. Memories that I never thought twice about before and now I can't stop thinking about them but don't want to. I am so used to living with bad memories from my past. I just hope he continues to keep the negative ones far away. He is not even here and he is protecting me. I never thought I would say this, but I can't wait to get settled and find a permanent place to live so I can foster senior dogs. Tank may have taken my heart with him but he didn't go as far away as I thought.
I wish I could have been here for Thanksgiving to hear all the stories. I did read them all today. My thoughts are with you all, always.
When you have loved so deeply, you fall even harder. It is normal to feel the way you do. It has been four years since my Apollo passed and I still have a lot of his things. And yes I call them my Apollo moments when the tears flow. It comforts me and I don't care what people think. That is why I give all a big hug and love to every one of you. Celebrate their beautiful lives. They will always be in your heart and soul. Love Sonja and Apollo
Oh Sonja, we all thank you so much for your sweet words.
Well...the tree went up on Sunday and guess what, Luna hasn't bothered it at all. Without her sidekick here, I guess it just doesn't hold the same curiosity for her :o. We haven't yet added the real candy canes, tho, so maybe their smell may end up luring her. But for now, no ex-pen needed. How crazy -- now I wish we did need the ex-pen because that would mean things were more like normal. Sometimes you just can't win.
But the tree is beautiful. And we put Peg's ornament at the very top, right below the angel. It is her baby picture. She had the sweetest little puppy face.
Same with us, Marianne...so far Cooper and Sibbie have not bothered the tree. Lena never did, and my Gable wouldn't even think of it!
All Lena's ornaments are grouped together...the picture of her first Christmas with us surrounded by all the others. I look at her sweet little face every day and wish I could hold her in my arms again...then the tears start.
I did start making my shortbreads. Gable took up Lena's watch and lay on the floor waiting for a taste of the dough. As soon as Sibbie realized that was the routine, she kept coming back in as soon as she heard the mixer stop and stood on her back legs waiting for a little taste of the dough. I had thought of not making them, but I think Lee will be happy that I did. It wasn't the same, though. It just doesn't feel like Christmas this year.
As I look at last year's pictures, I can see how much she had declined. Looking at them now, I can see that she wasn't feeling well. She looked so tired...but I would still give anything to have her back, even for a little while so I could tell her goodbye. I miss her so much.
Its hard to believe that it is almost Christmas again. And Again I will not put up a Christmas tree. I am alone so there is no need. I think about the Christmas past and me and my baby`s little tree. It was just a small artificial tree and over the years some of the needles feel off and some of the branches did`t look quite right any more. I told my baby it was our Charlie Brown Christmas Tree. But after the lights and ornaments were put on , it was beautiful. I would pick my baby up and show her the tree. Perhaps it was just me, but her eyes would light up and she seemed to smile. Even tho I will not have a tree ,I decided to bring out and display some of her ornaments. Looking at the ornaments in my hands bring tears to my eyes. I find I am not only crying for myself but for Marianne, Joan, Sonja and all the other moms and dads who will not have their babies for Christmas. Sending you a big hug back Sonja.
Why don't you put up the tree anyway and hang her ornaments on it...I wish you could join us for Christmas. We could cry together and talk about our babies.
It's so hard...everything is before and after for me...before Lee died; after Lee died.
It will be 10 months on the 19th, and Sibbie will be one year old on the 19th...so, so hard. I will feel guilty celebrating Sibbie's birthday; and guilty if I don't...
When you put up our fur babies ornaments, or holiday traditions you are remembering and honoring them. How can you just close off their memory? I can't. Yes it can be painful, but it can also be a time to remember the love and life you had with them. Love Sonja and Apollo
Although your thoughts on this are lovely ladies, I have a different take on it. I really feel that doing as little or as much as you feel up to, at any given time is perfectly fine. There is no right or wrong way to go about it. We all grieve differently. Some are able to do part of the holidays, while others aren't able to do much at all. Our loving angel pups want us to be find happiness again about all else. We honor them in everything we do because they are always first and foremost in our thoughts and hearts. They will remain there forever, regardless of how we celebrate the holidays.
Agree . To each their own.
Sonja and Apollo
the third Christmas before I could face bringing out Zoe's beautiful bird tree. Perhaps because we have moved twice from the family home, it was easier. I did not put all the decorations on, only the birds and animals ornaments. I wasn't sure how Koko would handle free rein of a house with a tree in the living room! I did not decorate the bottom third which is in his reach. Hubby prodded me to celebrate our little girl's life by having her tree adorn the condo.
Odd thing, I'm not sad, I find a feeling of closeness to Zoe when I gaze at the tree. I do not allow myself to remember the past, just enjoy the now and the oneness I feel with her.
Did not think it possible, sometimes, this mourning and heartache just changes. Not sure why.
A new stage of my life, I guess gives a new perspective.
Hard to believe :)
Oh Addy, it warms my heart to hear that Zoe's tree has come out again this year! I hope it's OK that I am adding a link to your photo page so that all our members can see its beauty...
http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/album.php?albumid=422
I am so glad for you, and for us. Sharing your tree helps give hope to us all, no matter how old or how new our hurt may be. Love is forever; it is always alive deep within us even on days when it is hard to smile.
But Zoe's tree makes me smile whenever I look at it. :)
Aww, thank you, Marianne. Her tree makes me smile too.
Koko and Luna must have made a pack not to bother the Christmas trees!
And we doubted them:)
Oh Addy, that is absolutely gorgeous. Thank you for sharing it (and Marianne - thanks for the link so we could see it too!).
I love that the Zoe tree is back up. That feels...right.
Molly's sheep skin rug is right there under the tree as usual. One of the cats is claiming it for her bed.
I looked at a picture of molly on that rug and it made me smile, such a good memory, then I looked at the counter and the wet spots and thought when did I spill water. It was tears, just sort of slipping down and dropping onto the counter. I just think I'll always miss her and that there will never be another like her.
My house is quiet...everyone is in bed. This used to be mine and Lena's special Christmas time. She would watch me bring all the presents down and wrap the ones for the morning. I'd arrange them under the tree and then I would take pictures of her in front of it.
We would lay on the couch together and look, just the two of us. It's just me now. Sibbie is in the front room sound asleep, Gable is snoring away on his bed next to me and Cooper is sleeping upstairs with my son. The boys were never part of it, they were never interested. Lena seemed to know that this was ours alone...and she enjoyed it as much as I did.
Just me and my baby girl, my little angel, my sweet, sweet heart...I miss her so much.
It is now Christmas morning for us here. Luna and I are the only ones awake, and the Christmas tree lights look like little stars to me (they really look like little stars because my glasses are off and I'm so near-sighted they are all a twinkling blur -- but somehow even more beautiful that way...:o).
I can't help but think of all our loved ones who are physically absent. But I just finished reading a note that our dear Leslie (Squirtsmom) posted elsewhere on the forum, and I was struck anew by her beautiful signature line. I hope she won't mind me repeating it, because it seems to me to be the perfect thought for all of us here on this Christmas morning.
"May you know that absence is full of tender presence and that nothing is ever lost or forgotten." Anne, a Corgi mom
My house is far emptier than I would wish. But my heart is overflowing with memories that surround my tree this morning.
I send my very best wishes for peace and comfort to all our K9C family on this Christmas Day.
Love, Marianne
I feel Tank is all around me. He follows me wherever I go. I couldn't ask for a better gift, today or any other day. Merry Christmas everyone.
~Kat
Well, we got thru Christmas. So happy to hear that Addy put up Zoe's beautiful bird tree. It is so odd how different our pups are, even with the same family. Buddy, like Koko and Luna, never bothered the Christmas tree or any decorations. Rosie, is fascinated by it all. She has a magnetic force that draws her to anything and everything new, shiny, or sparkly. Naturally, I had to pen the tree again this year. Even still, I have found her (multiple times) lying by the penned tree and sticking her paws through the wires. The tree skirt has pom-poms all around it. I think Rosie thinks they are a little balls, just for her. :D :rolleyes:
Rosie has been overjoyed having me home on break. She is absolutely gleeful. A bouncy little elf sharing her endless array of bones and toys. :D
It is official I do not like some surprises. It is the caught unaware surprise that makes one break into uncontrollable bawling that I absolutely hate.
Everyone is gathered around, opening gifts, and one is put on my lap, and told this is a special gift and for everyone to be quiet while I open it. I'm thinking Huh, whats up. And then I open the most beautiful red snowflake with a picture of molly in the center on both sides. A special ornament with my favorite pictures of her. And I burst into tears, with everyone looking at me and my husband handing a kleenex that he had ready in his hand.
That was so unfair and I did Not like it and I just kept saying, not ready for this you guys. I just sat there and bawled, my daughter put the ornament on the top of the tree, where it shines prominently and I can barely look at it because i just cry when I do.
I can't even type this because all I do is cry when I think about it.
I don't know what it takes to get past this horrible feeling that has been brought back just as I thought I was past the emotional tears stage.
That saturation point has been reached where I just wish I could have some alone time. It feels like I haven't had that time since Molly passed to just mourn without people everywhere and someone needing something from me that I no longer feel like I have to give. The unconditional love well feels dry and I know it isn't but it feels that way.
So now I'm mad. Mad that I haven't had that time to say goodbye to her, that there would never have been enough time anyhow to say goodbye or to mourn her not being here. So mad at feeling lost and that there is nothing I or anyone else can do to make it better.
I rather wish that we could have skipped christmas this year
Even tho I don't have the power to make things better, I want you to know we've got your back, Sharlene. You are 100% entitled to every one of your feelings whether it's being sad or mad or just had-it-up-to-here. We love you inside-out, no matter what.
When I am feeling crappy, I always hate it when my husband tries to make a practical suggestion because my feeling crappy usually is far more involved than any simple fix. But here I am, going to do the same thing with you...:o. Would it help at all to take the ornament down and tuck it away for the rest of this year? You can tell your family it is lovely and so thoughtful and someday it will bring you comfort, but your loss is still too fresh to look at those pictures for right now.
I know the ornament is really a symbol for your whole entire loss, and putting it away won't solve the rest of it. But maybe it would help just a little bit. (And now you can ignore my suggestion just like I'd probably do if it was me, and you can even be annoyed at the suggestion just like I would probably be if it had come to me from my husband :rolleyes:).
But either way, keep knowing this is your safe place to come and talk, no matter what and no matter how you're feeling, OK?
Thanks Marianne. I know you guys understand and I sometimes hate to come here to moan and groan when I know that so many of you are going through the same feelings, but then again, that's probably why I do, because you all understand as no one else ever could.
I can't take it down. My husband is mourning molly too and he stops and looks at the ornament and will just reach out and touch it. Like he is somehow touching molly by doing so and in his heart he probably is. I can't take that way from him, I'd feel like the biggest jerk imaginable to do so. Logically it makes sense to wrap it up and not look at it right now, but emotionally while it hurts to see it, it helps him to have given it to me. I just rather wish he'd done it privately, one on one. They were so proud of doing this for me, that I am just going to have to deal with it. Tree might come down sooner or gads, might not be able to take it down at all. Christmas all year because I can't remove one ornament????????? oh my (okay that made me laugh and groan at the same time) LOL
We are hoping to be able to get away to somewhere nice and warm, down south of the US in February or March so that will be a life saver I think. To get that time, even though we are currently planning it with some friends, and not by ourselves, if it doesn't work out with the friends, then him and I will go. We just need a break from everything, both of us.
In January and early February we have the Winter extravaganza parties that you know I love, so that will be a break too. In June we are off to New York City and splurging for our anniversary by staying at the St Regis and I hope to catch up with Barb and Trixie, maybe in Central Park while we are there, but definitely see them. So all things to look forward to in the coming year.
I've looked at petfinder, but nothing is jumping out at me and that is probably because I'm not ready to open that door to my heart and home just yet and another fur baby. I am happy to just play with my friends dogs and try to keep control over the fighting cats in my own house currently. I wonder if one of those cats isn't going to end up living with us permanently and if so will they be accommodating to a dog when one does come to us. Neither cat has ever cohabited with a dog before.
All things that I hope will help to put this sorrow aside and yet also give us time to heal.
OK well that made me cry, too :o, so obviously just forget my suggestion! ;)Quote:
I can't take it down. My husband is mourning molly too and he stops and looks at the ornament and will just reach out and touch it. Like he is somehow touching molly by doing so and in his heart he probably is.
But PLEASE promise you'll tell us all the details about the parties (like if there's a theme or special clothes involved). Honest to gosh, I live vicariously through your winter parties and I love "us" getting all gussied up for them. :)
I do believe we will all of us make it through our sorrow here, no matter how long it may take. No apologies are needed nor accepted for moaning, because that is what gives us all permission to share our hearts here. (And if the kitty who stays with you is the one who is getting pounded on by the other cat, I'll bet a dog sibling may be a very welcome alternative...)
The one last year in Ottawa was at the Museum of History and was viking themed and we got a private viewing of the new viking exhibit that went on view there. Very interesting stuff.
I think the one this year in Ottawa is at a different museum. I haven't heard if there is a theme yet or not.
However, I am on the planning committee for the one in Toronto this year and I just had an idea I will be proposing to the committee for our party, thank you Marianne, I hadn't even thought of doing a theme here since we have such a smaller group, but now I thought of doing "gangster style", with a dress code of 20's gangster, and a photo booth to take pictures of everyone dressed up, and set it up as a speakeasy club with the famous Toronto rum runners theme. A bottle of rum per table or something. Could be interesting. We're still trying to put ours together so I'll let you know what happens with that.
And an email has been sent to the committee to meet in January to discuss.
Yes the kitty in question is the one getting the tar beat out of it continuously unless someone is around to run interference.
I can't imagine why you don't want the bully, Sharlene. :eek:;):D
You have been there for all of us. Moan, groan, whine and cry as much as you need to.
A similar, blindsighted suprise, happened to me too. I was gifted with a heart picture frame with Buddy smiling at me, at a family gathering. It is magnetic. I totally broke down and wept uncontrollably. Now, over 3 years later, that Picture and the magnetic little frame, has a place of honor on my refrigerator door. I wasn't ready to handle it then, but now Buddy's photo greets me each day with his beautiful smile, when I get up in the morning and head to the refrigerator.;) The snowflake ornament was a lovely gift and I'm sure you will treasure it when the time is right. Right now it is just too soon. We all understand that. xxxxoooo
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Originally Posted by molly muffin
Awww, both Buddy's heart photo and Molly's snowflake sound beautiful, and yes, hopefully with time the snowflake won't trigger such pain, Sharlene. For us, it was kind of the reverse with Peg's ornament. We made it for her first Christmas when she was only four months old. So it has always been on the tree and it would have felt even worse if it was gone. But it was awfully hard to hang it this year and I feel an ache inside whenever I pass by and look up at it. Bittersweet I guess is really the better description, though, because I am grateful we have it as a reminder of those earlier magical puppy days. I hope that one day you will feel better about Molly's ornament, too.
Ah well, and as for the speakeasy party theme, I love it!! Just tell us when and where, and we'll all be there. ;) :D
That saturation point has been reached where I just wish I could have some alone time. It feels like I haven't had that time since Molly passed to just mourn without people everywhere and someone needing something from me that I no longer feel like I have to give. The unconditional love well feels dry and I know it isn't but it feels that way.
So now I'm mad. Mad that I haven't had that time to say goodbye to her, that there would never have been enough time anyhow to say goodbye or to mourn her not being here. So mad at feeling lost and that there is nothing I or anyone else can do to make it better.
Boy, do I know this feeling, Sharlene...it sucks. 2016 is almost over and Lena has been gone 10 months. I'm afraid to move into the next year, I feel like if I accept it being 2017, I am accepting the fact that she is gone and I just don't want to!
2016 will forever be the year I lost my baby.
My sister gave me a sign for Christmas with beautiful words about the loss of the dogs in our life...but it's not quite right. It speaks of all the dogs I've lost and not this one of my heart; this one loss that has shattered it and won't mend; this one beloved creature who I miss every single day. I think she was surprised that I didn't break down and cry...its beautiful and true, but not quite right.
Sometimes a gift means different things to the giver and receiver. They mean well...I would have bawled like you if anyone had given me an ornament with Lena on it. I have the one from when she was a puppy that has been on the tree since her first Christmas, and that's the only one I need for now.
Oh Joan, it's so true how some milestones become etched into our minds and our hearts.Quote:
2016 will forever be the year I lost my baby.
It's now New Year's Eve and I can't help remembering that it was two years ago today that everything shifted for us and for Peg. Right before that, I had been so grateful about how well she was doing -- seizures under control, GI issues under control, enjoying her walks and her daily routine. But hubby and I went out for a cheery holiday lunch that day with plans to cocoon with the doggie girls that evening. When we got back home, Peg was hobbling profoundly. What could have happened during our lunch, we'll never know. But something went very wrong that day and we were never able to fully fix it again.
And so now in my mind, I guess New Year's Eve will always be linked a bit to that fateful lunch. I'm a little anxious, waiting for another shoe to drop. It's never been my favorite day, anyway. When I was younger, I always wished I had a grand party to attend but seldom did. In recent years, our small gatherings with close friends have also been curbed due to relocations, and illness, and just not wanting to brave the crazies on the road. So it has turned more into a private evening of reflection for me, with tomorrow being the happier day. Once the new year arrives, I close my eyes and cross my fingers and hope for the best! And I try to look forward once again.
But today I am especially missing my shiny black dog. Just like you say, Joan, very soon we'll be entering a new year without her and that just seems so wrong. Through all her adversity, she was so brave and so true to her own self. She handled her limitations so much better than did I. She was, and always will remain, an inspiration to me. But I do miss her so. I wish so much I could hug her one more time as the calendar page turns.
I can't do that, but I can send out my hugs to you all. So stay safe guys, enjoy the holiday as best you can, and I wish us all a fresh 2017 with our memories to sustain us and our hopes to guide us, perhaps down new and even unexpectedly happy paths.
That anxious feeling...I have it all the time, too Marianne. Last New Year's Eve, my husband and I went out to dinner. We had never done that before. Right up the block, not gone long...but if I had known it was going to be Lena's last New Year's I never would have gone. I would have spent it at home with her.
New Year's has never been my favorite either...
Hugs right back at you, Marianne!
And to all my dear friends on this forum, Happy New Year...let's hope its a good one.
Life is funny filled with unexpected turns. I was looking for my pearl necklace, we are going out to dinner tonight and I never wear that necklace. I could not find it, who knows where I put it when we packed up our life a second time within a year. Finally, I saw the gold box with my shoes, yes there is the box containing my necklace and there at the bottom of the box was my old journal.
I wasn't good at keeping a journal. The leather bound book was a Christmas present from a friend. She had made it for me for Christmas 1999. That is the date of the first entry.
I paged through my writings, musings I guess might be more accurate. I smiled as I read each one until I got to the last entry dated February 23, 2011.
I wrote
Zoe/Cushings
Every book I read, I read for you
Every battle I fought, I fought for you
Because I loved you so.
Your mom
I wrote that two years prior to her death-almost to the day.
Her tree is shining not quite as bright tonight and I am choking back tears.
Suddenly this happy night is sad.
Wonder why I found that journal now on New Years Eve?
Well, off I go with my brace face.
Happy New Year dear family. I know your hearts are heavy tonight as well.
But together we face 2017 and together we will all be just fine some way some how.
AWWW Addy. I miss her too. I miss all of our babies who have moved on. It's not a particularly happy New Year's Eve for me either.:o You are absolutely right. We will all get through somehow. I spent several hours out doing errands today. I wasn't home five minutes before being screamed at to go to hell. Happy New Year indeed!:o
Yikes, Kathy! Gotta agree that your New Year's Eve could have stood some improvement...:o
And Addy and Joan, some memories bring comfort but some surely do not. I think that's the odd thing about New Year's for me -- there is always such a jumble of memories for me that I keep swinging back-and-forth between smiling and wanting to burst out crying. Totally unsettling in so many ways. :o :o
Anyway, here we are and now the new year has begun. Sending more love and fond wishes to all our family, newbies and oldies alike!
Holidays can be particularly stressful times, even under the best of circumstances. I am thankful that they are over.
Hoping that 2017 brings only love and peace into your homes and hearts. Happy new year all!!!! :p
Awww, Kathy, that is a cruddy thing to happen any time. :(
I'm hoping we all have a wonderful 2017.
The stars were shining brightly in the sky last night, so I went out and had a chat with molly. Seemed the thing to do.
Well drat on finding that journal at that time Addy, but maybe finding it was about more than sadness and loss. Maybe, just maybe it is about being a good mommy who dedicated every moment of her time and heart to finding a way to take care of beautiful Zoe and make sure that she got those years With you and those moments that were particular to just the two of you because of the bond you shared.
The one constant I have noticed on this forum, not just with cushings, because Peg didn't have cushings, Rosie doesn't have cushings, but we still share that one thing.... when something is going on with our furbabies, we dedicate ourselves to discovering all we can and doing whatever we can to make things better for them. There is no casual browsing of a web site, there is full on, dig down into the nitty gritty research.
I have so often said that we feel the loss of a cush pup so much because the disease, the learning and research and then the doing, is all consuming, but maybe it isn't that, and now I am starting to think it isn't the disease so much, as it could be anything, it is who WE are, their caretakers in this life. We give it all and we go the extra mile, no matter what. Cushings, allergies, kidneys, liver, cancer, joints, arthritis, whatever, doesn't matter, it is us who is different, we give our hearts and souls to those who have already given their lives to our hands.
Somehow we do move on from these heart breaking tragedies and maybe it is just the holidays when we take more time to reflect on the loss that we will always feel, so it makes it more difficult that right there in your face, missing from your presence, emptiness.
Rather glad the holidays are past now too and ready to move on to hopefully sunnier memories.
Sharlene, that was beautifully said! And I do believe you're absolutely right. Absolutely.
What you said was perfect Sharlene. :p It is who we are, because not all pet parents are as obsessed with solving problems, as we are. Obsessed in a good way, totally in love and dedicated to our little fur babies. We deal with the hands we are dealt as best we can. This is a Cushings site, which is how we found our home here, but we are more than Cushings parents. It is who we are!!! Well said.;)
So glad you had a nice chat with Molly, Sharlene.
Back to work tomorrow. Did tons of chores over break to catch up, so that's good.