Alivia was recently diagnosed with Cushing's - Alivia has passed

Oh Mary Beth, my heart goes out to you, too. I am a frequent victim of the "What if's," myself, and know how much pain the self-doubts can bring. However, I'm hoping that with time, you may come to believe that *not* releasing Ali from her pain would have been just as much an intervention as peacefully sending her off. In nature, a sick and compromised animal would not survive and their death might be a cruel one. It is our tender care that allows the sick and the aged to continue on, far beyond the time they would have survived on their own in the wild. So that is actually an intervention too, in it's own right. For that reason, I do believe we owe it to our furbabies to weigh the good days and bad days, the pain and the comfort. When the scales have tipped too far, we have been granted the grace to trade one intervention for another. I do not believe you killed Alivia. My heart ached when I saw you had written that. I believe you stopped unnaturally prolonging her life that was no longer a pleasure or a comfort to her. Mother Nature held you both in her arms that day, because that is nature's way -- to usher out one soul so that the earth can support another who still has their life ahead.

During every moment of Ali's life, you held her in loving care. Including the moment of passage when her spirit was released. You granted her peace in that moment, and I hope you will soon be able to feel peace in your own heart, too.

Marianne

I sympathize with the should I, should I not have's that we all go through after making a decision like this. I don't think I got out of bed for days after my beloved golden retriever Tasha had to be let go. I'd had her since she was 6 weeks old, and it just isn't a bond that can let go of easily. Especially when you spend all those years from the time they enter your life till they live, caring for them, worrying over them, trying to give them the best life possible and then to have to make the decision to not do that any more. Well it seems to go so opposite of everything you have spent a life time doing for/with them.

Logic only gets you so far when the heart is involved. I'm convinced the heart isn't logic at all. It's pure, raw emotion, both good a bad, a blessing and a curse.

Sending lost of love your way. I agree Maxwell is grieving and Valeries idea of a dog park or some sort of regular interaction with other dogs might cheer him up a bit. It's hard on them too. :(

hugs,
Sharlene and Molly muffin

Quote:

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I keep thinking what right do I have to decide to end a life? I just hope Ali knows that my decision was based on my love for her.

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Aw, sweetie, you did not end her life; the ravages of time and ill health were in control of that, not you. It's not that we are granted the "right" to decide when it is time for them to end their suffering, it is a responsibility we bear, born out of our deep love for them.

Alivia relied on you for every aspect of her life - to that final breath, she relied on and trusted you completely. Because she knows, not knew, but knows you always did the right thing for her at the right time, including this most painful step. She knows what it cost you to find that awareness in her time of deepest need, she knows the toll it continues to take on you, she knows you took this indescribable pain into yourself so that her pain could be ended. She knows you made the ultimate sacrifice for her.

You did not end a life - you gave her a life free of pain, fear, and struggles. You gave her freedom from a failing vessel that could no longer sustain her. You gave her the greatest gift possible at the highest cost to your own Soul. She knows and she loves you all the more for this.

Hugs,
Leslie and the gang

Thank you ALL for the reassuring words. I would have done anything for Alivia. They say you will know when it is "time", and I did. Alivia was in tremendous pain her last two days and her quality of life was pretty much non-existent. She had stopped eating and had to be heavily medicated just to keep her pain level bearable. It was evident her bodily functions were shutting down. You could smell the toxins backing up in her body on her breath. I told her vet that I had hoped I would not have to make this decision and that she would have gone quietly in her sleep. He said, "Unfortunately, with kidney failure that rarely happens and it can be a long, slow, agonizing process." So, in my mind, I know the decision was right but in my heart I am having such a hard time processing it.

Marianne, your explanation makes a lot of sense and I appreciate your words more than I can say. Leslie, you explained it well – it does feel like I’ve taken an indescribable pain in. Sharlene and Valerie – thank you. And, Addy, you have always been a comfort.

It has been a week already. I keep playing the whole thing over and over in my mind. Even when I try to not think about it, something will remind me and the tears just come.

Dog parks right now are out of the question. It is winter in Pittsburgh and it has been a bad one. I am trying to spend extra time with Max and take him for car rides, which he loves. Overall this has been a really crappy winter…I had knee surgery in December. The surgery didn’t work and now I have to have my knee replaced as soon as I schedule it. Then even though I got a flu shot, I got the real flu anyway. They did a chest x-ray to check for pneumonia and, instead, they found a nodule in my lung. So, the afternoon that Ali died I had to have a CT scan. They think the lung thing is from the infection but can’t rule anything out, yet, and will repeat the CT scan in 3 months. They say when it rains, it pours. But, losing Ali has been by far the worst of it all.

Oh my Mary Beth, I am so sorry that all these issues are hitting you at once. You are in my thoughts and prayers, and we will just think positive thoughts regarding the thing found in your lung.

Sending huge and loving hugs, Lori

Goodness, this is a lot to have to go through all at once. That flu this year was awful, my husband ended up with pneumonia from it, and it did a real job on his lungs. So, likely it is nothing more than from the infection, but always good to have things followed up on. Hope it's nothing.
Nothing will make things easier, other than a lot of time, even knowing it was the right thing to do, never made it the easy thing to do.

hugs and love
Sharlene and molly muffin

Oh my Mary Beth!
You certainly have a lot going on! Get through all of this by doing whatever is right for you and Max. He needs you too. xo

I miss Alivia with all of my being, but I am beginning to see things a bit more clearly (at least today). I am relieved that she is no longer in pain; that I no longer have to force medication into her, to keep her comfortable and get her through another day.

I am also seeing that Maxwell was often overshadowed by the extra care that Ali needed. In the last few months, her arthritis was too bad to take her anywhere where she would have to walk, so Maxwell became confined because of Ali's needs. Maxwell (who has his Canine Good Citizen certificate!) also underwent a personality change years ago and became very leery of strangers, especially men. He never bit anyone, but would have to be watched very closely with anyone he didn't know. I always attributed this change to moving into a new house, but it was also around the time Ali first became sick with IMHA. Now I am wondering if he knew Ali was not healthy and felt he needed to be protective of her? I took him to a pet store last night and he was making friends left and right - allowing strangers to pet him! I even turned around while I was checking out and a MALE employee was down on his knees loving on Max! Max was actually enjoying the attention!! It's been a LONG time since I have seen the happy go lucky personality that he has at home when out and about with strangers. I know he misses Alivia, but maybe now he can be "off duty" and relax.

Leslie, I read the beautiful post your wrote on Addy's string. And, that is exactly what this site does. Thank you ALL.

Oh precious Maxwell.

It does sound like he suddenly felt the need to be protective, probably of you and Ali. You are his girls after all and he is the guy who takes care. Now he doesn't need to and can relax and be himself again.

I feel quite bad for him, as that is a lot of pressure on a little guy. They do feel so responsible though. Maybe he knew more, sensed more than any of knew about Ali's health.

I am sure that Maxwell is really enjoy the trips to the store and making friends with people all over again. He is regaining his social life I guess.

Ali is pain free and maybe Maxwell is better now too. Your turn :) :)

Sending you love and hugs and I hope today is a good day for you and Max.
Sharlene and Molly Muffin

Mary Beth, my heart breaks with yours and now to read of your illnesses is concerning to me.

Koko too has long been over shadowed by Zoe's illnesses and has been so confined to the bedroom these last weeks. I have been worried about the toll it was taking on him.

I hope Maxwell will continue to bloom as his job of protector can ease up a bit. It is good to hear that he is becoming a happy boy again.

I think they know. I wrote to myself a few weeks ago in a diary that I thought Koko knew Zoe was going to die. They know these things we dont want to see, I think.

Koko and I actually got to take a small walk today as the road was clear in front of our house and although it was cold the sun was out.

The four of us, you and Maxwell and me and Koko will heal together as Spring draws near dear friend.

loving hugs