Squirt - my Queen has crossed The Bridge

Dear Leslie,
I read your poem, such a beautiful loving spiritual tribute to your baby. The urn is just lovely. I hope you are healing and finding peace.
Always in my thoughts. Lots of Hugs

Dear Leslie
What a beautiful tribute to your Queen Squirt. Typing this through tears. Thank you for sharing this with us. I wish I could give you a hug, a shoulder to lean on a ear to listen. It is one of the hardest things we go through losing our babies. They are such a part of us.
God gives them to us on lean for too short a time.
You have been there for so many. Now it is time for us to be there for you.
Hugs Sonja and Angel Apollo.
Now Squirt and Apollo can play together.

Hi ya'll,

It’s hard to believe it’s been nearly 7 weeks. For the last year of her life, Squirt slowly faded out of the daily routines, staying in my bedroom area for the most part. So often I forget she’s not asleep in the closet and am brought to my knees when I walk in there and remember. I have moved some things around and every time I told myself to make sure Squirt had plenty of room in the closet – then remember again. Meal times are still tough. I miss her voice soooo much. Making dog food for Trink is gut-wrenching remembering I can no longer cook for Squirt nor Grace. Squirt’s eating spot is as it was; I can’t bring myself to let anyone else eat there. And knowing there is no bowl to place there is so very tough.

Most everything I do falls under the “fake it til you make it” category. I am slowly becoming more active on FB again but there is no joy in that any more. Mostly I do the work required on the groups I admin for….other than the Cushing’s group, where I just can’t linger yet. I force myself to share funny things…but no one knows that after I sign off I crawl in bed to sob, the effort exhausting and useless feeling. I talk to folks via PM using lots of smiley faces and LOLs with tears flowing down my cheeks the whole time, forcing my fingers to type what is expected. I have not been able to reconnect with the plants, tho I did feel clear enough yesterday for the first time to decant some herbs…but I’m still not ready to make meds nor harvest. The week Squirt passed, I planted several different seeds and about half have come up. I connect with Life via those seedlings and the plants I have brought in from the wild that are transplanted to the herb bed or front yard, where I am making a butterfly garden for Squirt. Those that take and do well give me hope; those that don’t take or don’t grow to maturity break my heart all over again and make me feel as if I failed.

My studies are still beyond my ability to focus on so they sit stagnant.

This week I am petsitting 5 babies; 3 from one mom, 2 from another. The 3 will be here til Sun, the 2 til today or tomorrow. So at the moment my house is full to brimming and that certainly keeps me occupied. Yesterday as I was walking down the hall, one of the babies started nipping at my feet as I walked just as Squirt used to do. I looked down giggling, as usual when Squirt did that, only to see a tiny black body, not my beloved yellow one. It was a shock. I sank to the floor in the hall and leaned back on the wall to cry. Eight babies came to kiss and snuggle while the one who was nipping thought that was just part of the game she had started and was bouncing all over the rest of us. We’re having storms this week and I still find myself fixing meds for Squirt along with the others then sob when I see the one left over. So many little things that have such weight.

I have forced myself to participate in a little “business” venture with 3 friends – we are going to have a booth in a local flea market. I used to run the flea market circuit, carrying things from place to place to place to sell and I enjoyed that a great deal. Right now, my heart just isn’t in it but I am making myself do it anyway. I need to have an outlet away from the house, something that puts me in contact with humans more often and takes my mind away from the sadness and emptiness I feel. So I am trying. I can’t afford to keep doing this if I can’t at least make my portion of the booth rental each month but time will tell on that. For now, I have something different to do. We are on the waiting list for space and hope to have one opened in July.

Physically, well it’s obvious the years of self-neglect are catching up with me. The months of antibiotics have done a number on my gut flora, keeping the Northern tissue company in business. But my mouth is alright, thankfully! The shot has completely worn off on my shoulder and it is causing me difficulties with increasing pain and numbness again. I am tired, so very tired, all the time yet I can’t sleep worth a flip most nights. I think every injury and surgical area has reawakened, racking my body with pain at times. I have been having spells of extreme dizziness and nausea, usually at night that comes with horrid clammy sweats and abdominal cramping. GERD has raised its ugly head for the first time in ages. I’ve lost about 8 pounds tho I am eating daily and eating good for the most part.

Trink, Brick, Soph and Fox are doing well. They are all on a diet and have all lost weight, looking much better. They had gotten fat because I would give them all treats and extra bites when Squirt got them.

While I don’t post and rarely sign in, I do read and try to keep up with those pups I know. Ya’ll are never far from mind and always in my prayers. I just can’t be here for now. I hope in time that I will be able to participate on the forum again but that time is not now. It’s just too painful and I am a wuss. Please take care of yourselves as well as you do your babies.

Hugs,
Leslie

Dearest Leslie, Tears streaming down my cheeks as I read your post. I know your pain too well. It takes time, some times, lots of it. But you will heal. I am glad you are pushing yourself to do things outside the house although I know it is so hard but so proud you are doing it. Grief is exhausting and painful and everything reminds us and throws us back into the throws of it. We understand how hard it is for you to post right now, take the time you need, but know you are loved and missed and in my thoughts.

Sending prayers of healing and peace to you.

Leslie:
It makes me cry to read your post and know how your heart is broken. I am hoping with you getting out a bit that that may help ease some of your pain. I hope your new venture works out and you make some money. Blessings
Patti

Leslie! HUGS! Sometimes there are no words, only HUGS.

love
Sharlene

Tons of loving hugs for you, dearest Leslie.

Gosh sounds like you have a house full, typical you... grieving and still taking in others for a few days. How hard it must be for you still, but it does hearten me that you are getting out and having to focus on stuff like your booth. Pleased your mouth is finally sorted, hope you get in to see your Dr to get some of those other issues ticked off too. Lovely to see you post to let us know your hanging in there, you know us... we take whatever we can get, once a day, month or whenever we are always happy to see you. Those fake smiles are eventually going to become real ones :) Sending love and big hugs to you and the gang xxxx

I think we are kindred spirits, dearest Leslie, horses, painting, writing, flea markets, I always smile when I read your writing as they are things we have in common.

Little by little we venture out into the world again, pick up the pieces of our lives. Sometimes we feel joy and other times it is hollow and just going through the motions.

Our other babies needs us so we try very hard for them. I think our other pups keep us going because we have to do things.

I am so sorry your arm is worse; mine is still crooked and I have just accepted the limited range of motion. I am waiting on the steroid shot. for now. I wish your would have lasted longer.

Hugs and much love. I think about you all the time.

Hi Leslie-

I am sorry it is so very hard now. I understand. I think the urn is magnificent and I love the brass paw print. Can you tell me how you were able to get the paw mold? I think that's a marvelous idea and would love to do that for myself.

I hope your participation in the flea markets helps lift your spirits. i know art works wonders for me.

Hugs,
Susan

Leslie, I completely understand but am glad to hear from you. Hugs

I hope that today is the day I get to shut my acct down on Facebook for a while. I have decided to leave most of the groups I belonged to and have deleted my membership to around 20 Yahoo groups of various types as well as others not on Yahoo. There are 3 groups remaining that I am still considering. I do not plan to leave K9C.

I think I was on the computer within 10 minutes of first hearing the word "Cushing's" and didn't looked up for over 7 years. I sacrificed just about everything to provide the best care I could for Squirt from that point on. Not only physical things that money can buy but my inner landscape. Not that I am complaining - I am NOT. I would do it all again and give all I have and am to have Squirt in my arms again healthy. But that can't be right now so I have to find another way to live this life.

My kitchen table is now covered with paints, brushes, and ceramic bisque in various stages instead of papers and books. One of the girls who is in the flea market adventure is very crafty and we get together at least once a week to piddle, eat lunch, or just talk. Slowly but surely I am making a dent in this house that has been neglected for so long. I hope to be able to handle the carpet shampooer in the next few weeks I bought. Others have used it and say it works well but so far my shoulder isn't up that strain. I fell the second time a day or two after it arrived and have fallen 3 times since. :o:rolleyes: Currently, I am fighting a bad cold that wants to settle in my chest but I feel better this morning so hopefully it is fading. I started Pred yesterday per instructions from my pulmonologist and can breath better. Thankfully, I have plenty on hand...tho it was written for one dog or the other! ;)

I am going to try to be here more often but no promises. It isn't quite as painful as it was at first to sign in but I can't begin to describe the feelings that overwhelm me when I hit "Log In" and especially when posting in Squirt's thread. Nothing is the same and never will be again so I have to learn how to face all of this and deal with it somehow. This forum saved my sanity and Squirt's life - we owe you everything. So I will try harder to be here a bit more.

Oh Leslie, I'm all teared up reading your post today, sad and happy all at the same time. Still so sad over Squirt but so happy that you maybe around here more ( no pressure Leslie, whenever you are ready) and very, very excited about your flea market venture. It's got to be a lot of work but I think you will enjoy doing it and I'd love to see your works. I'm just so excited for you and thank you for keeping us posted. Many hugs. Song.:):):)

Crafting is therapeutic. It really is. Please post some pictures of things that you make! I'd also love to see them!

I know all too well about the hole left in your life Leslie. Hugs

My heart just breaks for you. :( Nothing is harder. Squirt was so lucky to have such a wonderful caretaker. Keeping you in my prayers.

Dearest Leslie,

You have always given and continue to give your all to the forum and to your sweet babes. Taking time out for yourself is not only needed but also so well deserved. I'm glad to read that crafting is helping you.

Sending you, sweet Leslie, my love and huge hugs, Lori

I think it is good to have some time to gain perspective and see who the you that goes on is going to be.
You know were ecstatic to hear that we will remain a part of your life but that can be balanced with all the other things that you have always enjoyed too. Your plants, your furbabies, crafting, spending time with family. It is always a balancing act, and how you juggle it, will determine how satisfied you are with the way things are going.

I think we all get that, so Yippppeeee, you'll still be here, but I'm just as thrilled that you are engaging in other things too. :) We want a healthy Leslie for the long term!

hugs
Sharlene and molly muffin

Go You!!! Pleased to read you are taking all these positive steps Leslie. Life is different now and sounds like you are making the adjustments needed to help you move forward.

Ack, a cold... nasty when it settles in the chest. Sorry to hear about the falls, gosh you don't need anymore injuries at the moment. Hope you get your strength back soon so hopefully no more of them!

Always lovely to hear from you Leslie, think of you often and wish you well on this journey xxxx

As long as you are taking time for you,that is most important. It sounds like that is exactly what you are doing. Hope your arm is better.

Kudos that you have your paints out. I keep saying I will bring mine up but never do. Very therapeutic, painting, art, crafting.:):):)

No pressure to come back here. All in your own time, Leslie, when it feels right for you. I still struggle if I spend too much time here. I don't want you relapsing into painful grief.

BIG HUGS, lots of love, you are always in my thoughts

Oh Leslie,

I am so sorry to hear about Squirt's passing. I've been away for the last few months dealing w/eldercare issues, but no matter how much time went by, I'd always come back to see how your Queen was doing. She was such a sweetheart and I always enjoyed reading about her antics and watching your clips. She had a long and wonderful life with you and she surely knew she was loved. I think all of us felt connected to Squirt....I know I did since I found this board back in 2008...she was part of our extended family of cushpups. Rest easy Squirt, you deserve it.

This has been a rough week; on Monday, my good friends lost their 10yr old Pom suddenly; she had a heart attack right in front of us. I rushed them to the emergency clinic, but she could not be revived. It was tragic and devastating.

We love them all dearly and it is simply heartbreaking to lose them. I still miss my Mandy and it's been almost 4yrs now. You never forget them. I love the urn and the memorial you did for Squirt, by the way. I did something similar for Mandy and from time to time will talk to her. Maybe she can hear me, I hope so. Squirt will always be with you in your heart, no matter where you go.

Their precious lives are short and we must treasure every moment we have with our fur babies.

Please take good care of yourself.

Jeff and the Girls

Hi Leslie. I think you are taking very positive steps and taking care of yourself. I know art is a terrific way to work through the hard times. Please do post pictures.

Hugs,
Susan

I realize I haven't been out much in the last few years and when I was, it was to get XYZ. I didn't look at much of anything else except XYZ and the exit door that would take me back home. This past Sat. I was in a grocery store and walked past the meat counter my mind a million miles away. I had walked about 10' past the end of the counter when I stopped, cocked my head, and thought, "Did I really just see that?" Glancing over my shoulder I started backing up until I reached the chicken section and sure enough there it was. A row of neat packages of CHICKEN FEET with the NAILS still on!! :eek: It took all I could muster not to dash about the store waving my hands over my head screaming, "The sky is falling! The sky is falling!" A bit of research and I now know they are used for chicken stock as well as eaten! But I think it will be a while before I give that particular meat counter a decent perusal again. ;)

Another chapter in the continuing saga of my self neglect. For about 6 weeks I have been dealing with a niggling cold; I would sneeze and be stuffy for a few days then it would go away only to return. It was a bit tougher with each return then this past Thurs. it came back with a vengeance, settling in my chest by Fri. at which time I saw my GP who said it was bronchial pneumonia. More ABs. I was worse Sat and Sun so called to see him again. I saw my GP yesterday and he diagnosed full blown pneumonia, what the old timers call "walking pneumonia" meaning not quite sick enough to be under an oxygen tent. He told me it sounded like I had inhaled cellophane paper since Fri. :( So he gave me a double duty shot of steroid, a fast acting and long acting combined, along with an AB injection and sent me home with Pred and Augmentin. I will be on the Pred for 12 days so "Katie bar the door", the fun is about to begin again! :p

Hi Leslie, I'm sorry to hear that you are sick. That sucks! I have to take Pred pretty often myself, with my COPD. I've been lucky so far this spring and summer. But, with the Pred that's about the only time I feel like I should feel normally, if that makes any sense. I hope that you're feeling better soon!

Chicken feet and nails! :eek: That would make me sick in itself! :eek::eek: People actually eat them? Gives a whole new meaning to biting your nails! :p

Leslie,
it is about time you do take care of yourself. You've earned it.
Pneumonia is no fun at all! Get well soon!

Chicken feet, run run away from that store quickly. Nasty.

I sure hope you feel better soon, Leslie. Pneumonia is no fun.

My pugs LOOOVE chicken feet, nails and all, hehe! :D Good little snack for outside.

I hope the pred kicks this pneumonia in the butt!

Oh no Leslie! I feel awful for you! We just went through pneumonia with my hubby in January and it was just terrible! I hope you get well soon, but rest is essential! So take care dearie!

pffft chicken feet. UCK!

hugs
Sharlene and molly muffin

Ohhh chicken feet :p, I have seen those crumbed and deep fried in Chinese restaurants, never plucked up the courage to order them though! Maybe they are a bit like pork crackling :eek::D

Gosh Leslie, I hope you get over the pneumonia soon, you poor thing... feel better! xxx

This stuff is kicking my butt! My house is 80' long and walking from one end to the other does me in....I have ZIP stamina. The pred makes it impossible to sit and do nothing but I can only "do" in very short increments before I have to rest and catch my breath. I have been deep cleaning my bathroom for FOUR days now and still am not half way through! I have various little craft projects that a first grader could do with their eyes closed scattered all over the house...totally defeated by them due to shaking hands and scattered thought waves. Who knew putting glitter on Popsicle sticks could be so challenging?! :D I sleep in stages, not according to any time schedule either. The pred has taken much of my normal daily pain away and I guess that is allowing my body to relax a bit more so that I find myself sleepy at odd times...but come nite when I should sleep, that is more difficult to come by. It has helped release my chest tho and for that I am grateful.

Just before this got so bad, I found a plant in one of my fields I have been looking for for two years. I really want to get out there and mark it so it doesn't get lost once it's blooms are gone but the hike to it is just too much right now so I hope I remember my sight markers when I am able to get back out there. Of course, we have been having some of the weirdest, nicest, July weather in my memory - cool nights and mornings with minimal heating during the day and lower humidity. Which is a huge boon to my breathing but really makes it hard to stay in. I spend a lot of time just sitting on the porch, writing and reading, looking around at the ground I am rapidly losing back to Mother Nature in my flower beds and yard, talking to Squirt, the babies and Mama. Yes, Mama is still here and I am so happy for that.

The babies are all doing well, we are settling into our new routine slowly but surely...tho we all still miss our Sweet Bebe a great deal. Not a day goes by without tears and a deep aching in my arms to hold her one more time. It is still amazing to me that I got to be her mom.

Finding that new routine can be hard when you are fighting a serious illness. Just take care of yourself. :)

hugs
sharlene and molly muffin

Feel better soon.

Well I am down to once a day on the pred - YAY! That jittery antsy feeling is going away....but with it's exit the pain of inflammation comes roaring back. :rolleyes: Ah well, at least I can breath better and for that I am very thankful. A few more days on the ABs and that will be over, too.

We got the call day before yesterday that a booth had opened up in the flea market so we will start setting up our little booth hopefully Sun. Most of my things are priced already but I have to decide what to bring first. With four of us sharing space, we won't have room for us all to bring all we have at one time. But by swapping out items we can keep our booth fresh looking and hopefully keep folk interested in checking us out when they come in. Yesterday I determined to complete these little projects I got started under the Pred assault :p and made some good headway. I hope to finish them completely today. I have felt rather silly being "defeated" by Popsicle stick crafts! :D

Being off Facebook is doing me a world of wonders. My mind is opening up and the creative juices are starting to flow more freely. I find myself jotting down ideas for things all day long - something I haven't felt in years. Now I am working on cutting down the TV time, which is iffy since Brick uses those sounds to navigate. But I am working on using the radio and letting him and Trink learn a bit about silence - well what is silence to me anyway. ;)

I was able to walk a couple of my fields this week. There are a couple of plants I have been searching for for some time with no luck. The first day out, I asked Squirt to come with me...and she did. The very first plant I saw was one I have been searching for - St. John's Wort (Hypericum perforatum). This plant is not usable due to its location, by a drainage ditch, but it was proof SJW does grow here and fueled my drive to find more of it. I left that field, thanking Squirt and asking her to stay with me, and went to another one where I found TWO St. John's Worts! Both of these are growing on clean land, too. :cool:

One morning this week I was having a particularly difficult time. I went out to sit on the porch in the cool morning with thoughts, not fit for sharing, flying through my mind. Without going into detail here, I came full circle and at the conclusion, which was not the direction those thoughts had been taking initially, a strong scent of Honeysuckle surrounded me. Honeysuckle is just about done blooming here, with very few blooms on the vines, but the aroma was as intense, if not more so, as when in the fullness of its Spring growth. I knew when that scent wrapped itself around me that was Squirt and Gia giving their approval and affirmation - it was them wrapping me in their love, reminding me we are always together.

It's things like this that let me know my Queen is still by my side even tho my hand falls on empty air when I unconsciously reach down to stroke her back. The loss of that mundane contact continues to be agonizing but that pain is made bearable by times such as these.

Oh Leslie, I am so touched that you are sensing the sweet presence of your loved ones. I have always felt that there will never be a time when Barkis does not come to me at the moment I call out to him to join me. Those moments are fleeting and come less often now. But the connection, although invisible, remains unbroken. Just as I hope and believe it shall always remain so for you and your girls.

Love, Marianne

That sounds absolutely divine Leslie. :) How calming to have the Queen roaming with you through the fields and Gia presence to remind you that you are never alone.

How exacting to get the Flea Market booth! Best of luck! I'm sure that people will be flocking towards it.

hugs
Sharlene and molly muffin

Hi Leslie,

I am so happy you can feel that sweet Bebe is with you. It is such a comfort when we are at such a loss. I think spending time outdoors, even on a porch- just getting back to nature and just "being" rejuvenates us.

I am sorry to hear that the pain comes back without the pred. My arm is still crooked and hurts. So I hope you fare better than I have. Every once in awhile I sneak one of Zoe's prednisone pills and then my arm feels so much better.

The flea market circuit can turn out well and I hope it is successful for you. I just want everything to get better for you.

Much love and hugs

Well, it has been an extremely stressful past 2 weeks culminating in me deciding to leave the flea market venture. One bad apple sort of thing that turned a fun and easy project into a nightmare. But that's ok. I learned a long time ago how to walk away from an abusive, unhealthy situation... and people.

I am continuing with my crafting and hope to have enough things to sell at a little craft event held in my home town each Oct. A friend who sews really cute things and I are going to have a booth. I've posted some pics of some yard art I am learning to do and one of a ceramic piece I painted years ago. The yard art is made from old pieces of glassware found in thrift stores, yard sales, and flea markets. The first pieces I am making are for Squirt's flower garden. There is a bird bath and bird feeder shown in the pics. They aren't glued together yet but I have decide these are what I want in her garden. I plan to make at least one more for her garden that will incorporate a tea pot and be more whimsical looking - hopefully. Here are the links to the pics -

Bird bath -
http://i752.photobucket.com/albums/x...psb7ed1dc7.jpg

Bird feeder -
http://i752.photobucket.com/albums/x...pse2c3f889.jpg

Ceramic piece (chipped in its many moves sadly!) -
http://i752.photobucket.com/albums/x...ps8ec90d70.jpg

And just for fun, a "self portrait" I did years ago, also ceramic, also chipped :( ) -
http://i752.photobucket.com/albums/x...irffie/002.jpg

Oh how sweet those will look in your bebe's garden.
Love the ceramics. Use to do those many years ago myself.

Good luck on your fall project.
Smart of you to know when to walk away and even better to be able to do so

Hugs
Sharlene and Molly muffin

Good for you sweetie, sorry the bad apple ruined your new venture, but glad you could walk away, and a new window has opened for you.

Love the glass pieces, they would be a success, and an exquisite and sweet touch to your Queen's baby's garden.

My heart is filled with joy and tears at the same time when I read that your journey with Squirt's spirit is leading you to wonderful discoveries in nature and that in some way it keeps bringing some solace to your soul.

Love you and your babies to pieces.

Yesterday was a very tough day for some reason. I woke up crying, missing Squirt and Gia so very much. Tears and pain were constant companions throughout the first morning hours then I learned about Robin Williams' suicide. Such a great man who brought so much healing laughter to so many couldn't find one, not one, reason to stay his hand in spite of his family, friends, fame, wealth, and future. I heard about a tweet from the cast of Aladdin in which they posted, "Genie, you're free." And I admit a part of me was envious. Most of my night was spent in tears that have continued this morning. I am missing my beautiful girls in the marrow of my bones.

Oh dear Leslie,

I am so sorry you are having such a hard night and day. Squirt's death triggers all of your emotions of missing Gia and that is so understandable.

Somehow we go on because Robin's solution was such a horrible one and I know we sometimes feel that the pain is too bad to bear but I can't imagine what pain he felt to take his life.

So here I am telling you hugs and kisses and how much we love you and need you and that we have to find the smallest thing each day to be grateful for.

One good thing a day- I set about to cleaning some old wood chairs last night and I actually got ALL the grime off - MISSION ACCOMPLISHED and then it was playtime with Koko:):):)


Try to find one good thing today and come back to tell me what it was:):)