Squirt - my Queen has crossed The Bridge

Just saw this happened...
So very sorry for Squirt...
Hang on...

Leslie I am so sorry to hear of Squirts passing. You were there for me right from the start and I always loved hearing your stories about Squirt - they made me laugh and cry. I also understood all too well the worry and fear in your voice.

By far the hardest part of owning a dog is what you are dealing with right now. We know that when one of these angels comes into our lives it will leave us broken hearted, but while they are with us they teach us so much - most of all unconditional love.

Love and hugs dearest Leslie,

Oh Dearest Leslie,
I was so saddened to read about Squirt. Words can't truly express how sorry I am. Across the cyber miles, I send the biggest ((((HUGS)))).
Fly Free Sweet Angel Squirt....go meet others who have gone and await you with open arms at the bridge. You will forever be loved, cherished, and missed by all who were so lucky to have known you.

I'm very sorry for your loss of Squirt. I have followed you and her for many years and I know the heartbreak you feel. But Squirt is running free, healthy and spry at the Rainbow Bridge.

Bonnie and Angel Criss Ann

Hi Leslie

Popping in to send you some hugs before I head to bed... hope your taking care of yourself and the rest of the gang is doing OK. Thinking of you xxx

Dear Leslie,

Praying for you and the gang for a painful but necessary transition to the life without Squirt who now lives only in your hearts. Hugs. Song.

Stopping by to give you hugs. Thinking of you.

To say “Thank you” is never enough. I hope you all know how very much I appreciate each and every word. To hear you say that Squirt touched your life in some way, that she brought a smile to your face and laughter to your voice is priceless to me, a tribute to my Queen that is immeasurable. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

The babies are alright. Fox never got to know Squirt well so has not been affected. Trinket has been depressed, not eating Thurs. and little more Fri., but is better now, tho she still sometimes searches the closet and places Squirt used to lay, and is a bit more clingy than usual. Brick, sweet thing that he is, said his goodbyes while Squirt was still here. He would lay by her side or sit with his back touching hers often her last couple of days. He knew. He slept more than usual Fri. but is back to his normal self now. Sophie was the hardest hit. It finally occurred to me that she has been around Squirt her whole life and lived with her the last 4 years, first in Sardis then here when she moved in with us. There is no question in my mind that she sees Squirt. Thurs. nite she was stuck to me like glue, her ears down, her tail tucked and from time to time her hackles raised and she would whimper. She was like this all Thurs. nite and most of Fri. morning, then she calmed a little bit but remained clingy and more nervous until yesterday. Yesterday her appetite was back and she played with one of her toys. She stills sticks closer than she used to and often acts as if she sees something, watching it move, physically reacting. Say what you will, she sees Squirt.

I wish I could tell you my Sweet Bebe’s passing was easy – it was not. Her little body was in worse shape than I thought. Because of the Cushing’s, age, and all the meds she had been on, her veins were shot. They kept collapsing and tearing when Doc tried to give the injection. I held her head and told her it was alright, but it wasn’t; it hurt, she cried out once when the vein blew. I lied to her. It wasn’t alright. This memory, these images, these sounds keep me from being able to talk. I open my mouth and a black vomitus of guilt, what-ifs, why-didn’t-Is, regret, self-reproach and raw red agony comes pouring forth. I want her back. I want a chance to change my mind, to tell Doc “never mind”. Most of all, I have wanted forgiveness from Squirt.

Night before last, I was sitting in bed in my usual manner and I saw Squirt’s tail passing by below me as if she were going to lay on her rug by the bed. Her tail was up, held high instead of tucked between her legs like it has been for most of this last year. I thought to myself, “She’s feeling better tonight”….and then remembered why that was. Yesterday morning I was on the front porch watching the sun come up and storm clouds roll in against a pink sky. As I watched the clouds, there came Squirt in cloud shape. Her head was down, mouth open in a grin, ears pricked forward, her back legs were tucked up under her belly, her back arched and butt up, her tail up and blurred as if wagging. It looked like she was doing her silly little happy dance – a bouncy, ground-slapping, hopping, twirling run she would do when very happy about something. I have prayed to all who would hear for a sign that Squirt was alright now and that she could forgive me one more time. I believe these visions are my answer.

I am once again shattered, large pieces ripped away that cannot be replaced. Wounds, old and new, lay open, the lightest brush excruciatingly painful. In spite of the many treasured ties to this time and space, to this Life, it is the promises made to the Dead that hold me here. So I will again stitch the wounds closed and cobble the remaining pieces together then learn to walk in this new world. In time, I will be alright; I’m a survivor so I have no other choice.

Again, thank you all. Your support eases me, sustains me. Thank you most of all for loving Squirt.

(Sorry, I can't seem to bring myself to sign this)

I'm so sorry Leslie. I'm crying and my heart is aching for both you and Squirt along with yours. I'm praying for you that you will stay strong and with time to get past this immeasurable painful moment in your life.
I'm so sorry, Leslie. Many hugs.

Thank you very much for talking to us when it's so very difficult for you.

Oh Leslie, my heart is breaking for you and the pups. I so wish we could take the pain away.
What a wonderful image of Squirt doing her happy dance in the clouds now that she is free of illness.
HUGS

Dear Leslie,

Thank you so much for coming back to talk with us. I know it must have been a very, very hard thing to do. My heart breaks upon hearing how difficult Squirt's final morning was for you both. There was absolutely no way to predict those complications, but I can only imagine your agony when your only wish was to give her peace and comfort. Peace did come for little Squirty, but I know it was not in the manner for which you had prayed.

So now you must find a way to make peace for yourself. I know this will not be easy nor quick. But you deserve to find peace, Les. You did what you believed would be best for Squirt her entire life, and death. Some things are beyond our power to know and achieve. All we can do is what we hope is best at any one moment. And that is what you did for Squirty, always.

We love you, and we will do anything we can to support you. Even if it is just to listen. We are really good listeners, you know (you've taught us well!). So please come back when you are ready. We are waiting for you with open arms and open hearts.

Many hugs to you, my dear friend.
Marianne

Dearest, sweet Leslie,

There is NO room and especially no reason for guilt of any nature. My dear, sweet Leslie, you are the kindest, most loving, and caring person I have the privilege to know.

Squirt knows, just like we do, that your love and devotion to her is immeasurable, and that you always have your precious babies best interest at heart.

Please stop being so hard on yourself, there just isn't a reason for that. We love you and all your precious babies.

Love and huge hugs, Lori

Leslie

I'm useless with words at a time like this but wanted you to know you are in my
Thoughts

((((Hugs)))))

Hi Leslie
I am so sorry again. It is a terrible miserable time and even though at the time we know we are doing the right thing we always second guess after. The vet after tommy left said that is one common element of the people who are great pet owners. And you are up there at the top of the pile.
The cloud comment reminded me of tom - the day after saw a cloud and thought there's tom- even took pictures of it. They are always with us.
And how true is the first saying in your signature block.
Squirt was as lucky to have found you as you were to find squirt.

Oh Leslie :( Big hugs to you. I know that isn't the way you envisioned Squirts last moments to be but I am sure, absolutely positive, that she is now not sick and still loves her mommy and watches over all of you. Sophie knows it too.

I wish I could take away your pain. I can't and since I'm not there, I'll send you a bit virtual hug, but know that if I was there, you've be getting hugs for real and the babies all having belly rubs.

Remember, to yourself be true.
You were always true to Squirt, do no less for you.

hugs and love
Sharlene

Dearest Leslie,
Please do not feel guilty, everything you did was with a full heart filled with love and your Queen Squirt knew that. She knew it every moment she was with you. The sign you saw was Squirt telling you she is fine and not in any pain or suffering and I truly believe she wants you to stop feeling guilty for anything. The love you and Squirt have for each other transcends time and space. Squirt carries that love in her heart and soul even now.

I hope and pray you find peace with Squirts passing and know we are all here for you whenever you need us to be.

Squirt is with you in other ways but she is there.

Much love,
Vicki

Oh Leslie,

I have tried so hard to picture Squirt swimming in the pool from days long a go. I loved that so and it brought me great comfort to remember those days.

We walked hand in hand you and I this last year with our sweet girls. I wish I could tell you this will all go away, it may but it will take some time. Zoe's last day will haunt me for the rest of my life I think. These emotions we have when we lose them cant be ignored, we all pay that price I fear, for the love we shared with our babies.

I am so glad you came to tell us, we are all so worried about you. You and Squirt mean so much to so many of us.

I know Squirt will come to you as Zoe has come to me. We know they are both happy and free of pain and love us just like they always have. Just as our love for them never ends, neither does their love for us. Both are eternal, endless.

I give you hugs. I know you are a survivor and your other babies need you. They are what will sustain you when it is so hard.

Leslie, I wish I could turn back the clock for us both, I wish I could dry your tears, wipe away the hurt, guilt, anger, fear, all of that.

But dearest friend, I cannot. So just know how much I really do care.

Dear Leslie,through the tears, words can not comfort you now. I wish we all could enfold you with a circle of our love, and support. Squirt will always be there with you. Be open to feeling her presence. Do what ever comforts you. No one can tell you how hard it is to loose your baby. You and Angel Squirt are in my prayers.
Please know we are here for you. It is time for us to comfort you.
Hugs Sonja and Angel Apollo
the lose is always there, piece of you dies with them.

Leslie, I absolutely believe that we can be contacted from Heaven!
My mother's youngest brother was kind of a rabble rouser and liked to get into tiffs at the local bar. For some reason, he always liked me as a kid and spent time with me whenever we visited my grandmother who actually could barely stand me being in her presence. Long story there.

Uncle Gerry was hospitalized and in a coma. One night, I just KNEW that he had passed away and ran upstairs to my parents' bedroom. I literally reached their door as my grandmother called to tell them that he had passed away. I somehow also felt that he was ok and told my parents all of this. They never believed in such a thing until then.

Squirt is telling you that she's ok and there's nothing to feel guilty about. It was her time and her body was failing her, not you.

Hugs.

Dearest Leslie,

Know without a doubt that you and all of your precious babies are dearly loved. :p We grieve with you as we all love our Squirty. We have so many precious memories of our sweet girl.

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

Leslie, I am so sorry for your pain. I feel stuck in my own grieving process and have been reading some books about pet loss. One passage in particular spoke to me as I am menaced by the what-ifs, and I copied it down just this morning. I hope there is something here that also soothes you in some small way.

"In the face of all the guilt experienced, I have the following bedrock belief: it's truly the exception that people did not act as best they could for their animals' highest good. They acted on their animals' behalf with the goal of having the best possible outcome and quality of life. Whatever decisions or choices were made, they were based on love and a consideration for the animal." -Betty J Carmack

Leslie:
Just thinking of you, and all your sweet babies, and of course your most precious girl ever, Squirty. Blessings
patti

I'm so very sorry

Hey Leslie,

Stopping in to say hi and give hugs. Sending lots of love too!!!

Thank you all for being here with me. I feel your love and support every minute of the day and night.

Today is one of those days when I am crying constantly and can't seem to stop for any length of time. Yesterday I felt dead myself - no emotion, no reaction, nothing...until I went to bed, then the freight train hit my chest again. It has been a week today and I find myself counting down the hours this morning - in 4 hours it will be a week, in 3 hours...., in 2 hours...now 1 hour. How can that be? How can it be that the sun still rises and sets, that life goes on, that I continue to breath? I don't know what I have done this past week other than wander around, start things that never get completed, and cook. Since Mon. I have been cooking like a mad woman...not eating much but my freezer is getting full. I guess cooking dog food has been such a huge part of my daily life that this is how I am compensating for no longer needing to cook for Squirt nor Grace.

I see her food in the freezer and get sick to my stomach. Even tho she wasn't eating, I thawed out ingredients for this weeks menu anyway. Part of me believed that somehow, someway she would pull out of this one more time. Seeing that bowl in the fridge with the thawed bags in it also made me sick. I tried to share with the babies but just couldn't put the food in their bowls and watch them eat it so I gave it to Mama (the coon) and stood on the porch crying as I watched her chow down. She loved it and it felt like a Sacred act to share Squirt's food with Mama, a continuation of the cycle of Life if you will.

My body and mind are completely exhausted. It occurred to me yesterday this is the first time in 2 1/2 years I haven't had a baby that required 24/7 attention. Since Tasha it has been one after the other...now the four that are here require very little compared to those babies and I am lost as well as tired. I find myself panicking that I have missed a med or not heard something or heard something. Meal times are crushing. Only four plates to fix, not six. One med to give, not many. No one requires frequent daily cleanings of body nor the areas where they hang out. So I roam and cry, take baths and cry, sleep and cry...but haven't screamed any more.

My mind knows that I did the right thing for Squirt even tho it didn't go as well as I prayed it would. Her little body was done and at any moment something much worse, much more painful for her, could have happened than a few hurtful injections. Something that could have caused her to suffer horribly for the half an hour or more it would have taken to get her to the vet. I wanted so badly to let her do this as she wished, on her own terms with no aid, but she couldn't let go. She refused all nourishment after Wed. afternoon when she ate a tiny bit of her food. Her muscle mass just melted off of her. She was so weak she couldn't hold her head up at times and was limp as a wet noodle when I would pick her up. I could feel her belly contracting when I held her, getting hard then soft again. She would feel extremely warm often, her little ears red so I know she had fever burning through her. Every move was obviously painful. But she kept on fighting. And I know she was fighting for me; she was afraid to leave me alone. I couldn't let her starve to death or face some catastrophic physical event, I just couldn't. So I broke another promise and helped her go. And I miss her so. Oh gods I miss her so.

I am holding out my arms to wrap you in a giant hug, Les. Squirt has made her passage, and you are in the midst of your own here on earth. Baby steps, baby steps. Sending you so much love. I am really glad Mama Coon received Squirt's communion meal. I choose to think that Mama's babies will now receive Squirt's strength and courage along with their own meal to come.

Dear Leslie, my heart is breaking for you, I know that intense horrible emotional pain you are feeling, as many of us do, and I want so badly to make it better for you. I want to hug you so tight.
It is amazing how a week has past already, but keep in your thoughts Squirt is not suffering or in any pain anymore because you love her so much to let her go.

When my Cuddles passed over to the bridge I totally fell apart, he was my soulmate, when I got Snuggles who is named after Cuddles it was very clear to me Cuddles was part of Snuggles I can tell by the connection me and Snugs have, by how Snugs acts and does things, Squirt will make her presence known either through one of your other pups or a next one, I truly believe they do not leave us but come back to us in other ways.

Sending you thoughts and prayers of healing and peace.

Leslie:
You are in my thoughts and always in my prayers. Blessings
Patti

OMG! :eek: I'm wrong! It will be a week tomorrow, NOT today. omg.... :(:(:( Today is Thurs., not Fri. :( It was a week ago today that I called and made the appointment.

I thought the timing of her appetite and last food intake to her passing seemed wrong. :(:o She ate like usual Tues., refused treats Tues. nite; wouldn't eat anything Wed. even when put in her mouth until around 3:30 and she ate a little bit of her food; Wed. nite she accepted 2ml of NutriCal; Thurs. morning she took two licks of a fried egg, her favorite; after that anything I put in her mouth other than water or her herb tea at night either fell out or she pushed out....and she wouldn't always swallow them.

Can't believe I mixed up the days. :(

Oh Leslie,
You did the right thing for Squirt. You know that. Sometimes the right thing sucks! In this case, it definitely does! We are left to go on alone and have to learn to cope as the pain and numbness envelopes us. Squirt knows that she is adored above all else and that she has the most loving mom in the whole world. Your babies are very blessed Leslie. They have you! (((((Hugs))))))

It's ok sweetie, you are in shock still and you cant think. Everything runs together and you keep reliving that last day over and over and you are blaming yourself even though you know there is no blame; we blame ourselves anyway. It is so dang hard, Leslie and I am so sorry about that. It will be almost 3 months since I lost Zoe. I cant sleep still. I wake up at 3am every night and lay there. We all process things in our own way in our own time.

Just talk it out if you can. We are here to listen and to hold you.

HUGS Leslie

love
Sharlene

HUGS from Henry and me too

Oh Leslie,

I am so very sorry that you lost Squirt. My goodness, you did everything you could possibly have done for her and finally her little body just gave out.

Leslie, I do know that the grief is just so deep and it goes on and on. But, you know that you also have to take care of yourself. You have to eat some good food, get outside in the fresh air, try to sleep.

Squirt lived a GREAT life and she knows she was deeply loved all of the time. You take good care of yourself.

Ken and Maddie

Leslie,
grief can be all consuming at first. With everything else going on, mixing up the days isn't unexpected. Hugs.

Hi Leslie,

I can remember how incredible the pain felt. They took Palmer to the back to get the needle inserted and then brought him back to us for us to hold him while the injection was given. Nothing was mentioned about having any difficulty. I too had hoped that Palmer would go to sleep one night, not to wake up the next day. He had already suffered way too much. It was not to be. That decision is no easier to make even if you have had to make it before.

Your wounds are so very raw now. Your pain is acute. Sharing your feelings, I think, is your best medicine. You write beautifully. Your writing provides a way for the emotion to be released a little each time. There is no easy way around this. Know that you are loved and supported by all who correspond with you here and that most, if not all, have experienced what you are going through and understand. Really understand. Be gentle with yourself. You made the best decisions you could all along the way with nothing but love in your heart for Squirt. Squirt was just saying "Ow!" Squirt wasn't placing blame.

I am sorry this is so hard.

Hugs,
Susan

Hi Leslie

I always felt Squirt led by example in this forum, that girl just kept on going, one paw in front of the other and enjoying her days with the gang and you. I hope that when you start emerging on the other side of this terrible grief that you can channel her tenacity and strength into helping you get through this, she was a strong girl as you are a strong Mom and we are all here to hold your hand as you take as much time as you need. Big hugs to you Leslie xxxx

My Sweet Bebe is home once again. I picked her ashes up this afternoon. She came to me again early this morning. I felt the mattress move as if a dog was walking across behind me. Thinking it was Trinket ready to get up, I reached to get her but nothing was there - she was still asleep on the other side. About then I felt the small of my back warming up. When Squirt could still sleep on the bed with us, she would wake up and walk behind me while I was on the computer, laying down, to let me know she was ready to get down and go outside. Today has been a pretty good day all things considered and I believe Squirt helped me with that this morning.

Awww so pleased you have her home where she belongs. I bet you have a special place for her to reside over her Queendom. It sounds like Squirty is not in the box though, she is walking about keeping watch over you and also keeping you warm at night. I like that!! More big hugs being sent your way! xxx

Squirt sounds like she making sure her momma is going to be okay. I bet she is thrilled to be home.

Sending love and hugs your way
Sharlene and Molly muffin