Zoe By My Side- Our Journey with Cushings

Addy:
That is a wonderful idea for Zoe's ashes. I am hoping the cost from your daughter does your heart good. I think of you and Zoe every day, sometimes logging on here expecting to see your post about her. This has weighed heavily on everyone, as you and Zoe were the cornerstone of the forum. Blessings
Patti

We are hanging in there. I got her memory chest ready for her, she is coming home Saturday. Hubby was upset at first, we each have our own way of dealing with this loss. I told him if it was too hard for him to bring her home, I would go alone to get her, but she deserves this at the very least and she will come home to the place she loved so much no matter how painful for us it is.

I wrapped up all her beautiful handmade sweaters Chantal knit for her. I remember how excited I was speaking to someone in Turkey. She made Zoe a very special sweater and sent it to me for free, it was a new design and she put it on her website back then, naming it after Zoe. I did not pack that sweater, it hangs still in the coat closet.
How could a little fluffy dog touch the heart of someone in Turkey that she would design and make a sweater for her so her bare tummy was protected from the snow.

Her red velvet Christmas coat is wrapped in tissue too with her other coats and I laid her yellow blanket on the bottom of the chest.

Koko and I put all her toys, her bowl even her measuring cup in the chest along with two framed pictures of her.

So I think we are ready for our Zoe to come home.

Zoe and I were only together seven short years but the profound affect she had on me is like no other and the bond much stronger and deeper than any other. I spent 21 years sharing my life with my cat and Zoe's loss is even harder.

God truly blessed me the day he sent Zoe to me and although the journey was not what I had hoped for, I would do it again in a heartbeat.

Last week I went through the shock stage. This week I am suffering the guilt stage. I keep reliving those last moments of her life, the images flash before me when I least expect it and although I know in my heart there was nothing I could do for her, I wished she would not have had to have gone through what she did those last hours of her life and had been able to die at peace here at home as I had always so wanted for her. I struggle with that so. The what ifs have set in this week and blame and guilt that wont go away. The if I had done this or that maybe this would not have happened.

I guess it is the stages we go through as we grieve.

I think we are to have thirty degrees next week, perhaps Koko and I will be able to walk when I get home from work. Better weather would help us all so very much with our grief.

Love you all

Dear Addy
I am crying reading about Zoe's hope chest. What a beautiful act.
Zoe was this forums ,warrior,fighting for all of us.
I know only to well about the guilt,no matter what anyone says,we always question ourselves. Know you did the best you could for that little girl. We are so powerless over life,events. We think we can control it but we can not. With a cushing baby the bond is so deep that it aches. What we will do to fight for them, takes all our strength,Hope and love as we and our babies fight together and suddenly there is emptiness so deep,we grasp for some meaning, anger,lose and such overwhelming grief. But on the forum we do it together and as the song says lean on me. I pray you write Zoe's story in her memory,it would be very healing,to read about Zoe's and your odyssey. You have a talent.
Hugs Sonja and Angel Apollo

The hope chest is a beautiful idea Addy!
It sounds like Zoe had a wardrobe that could rival any woman here.

I'd love to see a picture of the sweater from Turkey.

I still have Daisy's first coat, which would fit a Barbie Doll :)

Hugs.

http://www.royalfifi.net/index.php?m...=zoe&x=17&y=10

here it is

We had to make up for her bald tummy, the snow was always deep in Wisconsin and the Spring and Fall cold and wet. So she had sweaters to protect her tummy. This winter was the first winter since her ultra sound we did not have to worry about a bare tummy.

OMG Addy!

It's so cute and girlie!!! I love it :)

We have the most difficult time finding anything that will cover Daisy's long, dachshund tummy and her back for that matter.

That sweater just Screams Zoe!! I love it! What a wonderful thing to have done for Zoe.

Too cute and as Valerie said, so girly.

love
Sharlene

Hi Addy-
I knew you were having a rough time. How could you not? We fight so hard to save our pups and keep them going, comfortably. I think a bond is developed unlike any other. But then I think the bond between a more or less healthy dog and its owner is a bond unlike most others. There is a closeness that exists there. You develop your own way of communicating. They understand you and you understand them. The more years you have together the stronger it gets to be, I think. In relative terms, you might not have had Zoe for very many years, but in terms of the quality of time the two of you put together it far outweighs what most older dogs get to experience.

The second-guessing is very normal. I went through that as well. Four of Palmer's last precious days were spent in the ER while he was being given fluids by IV. He should have been at home I think now. We would have had to learn how to give him IV fluids. I don't know that I could have done that. As it turned out, I left feeling we tried absolutely everything there was to try short of a total blood transfusion. You just so want the story to turn out differently and it cannot.

Somehow our paths cross and these little critters come into our lives. We are entrusted with their care for however long they may have with us. They ask for nothing. They are completely selfless, very giving, totally loving. And when it is their time to move on, we must help them, if that is necessary. It is so very hard to know when it is time vs. am I rushing this? Maybe she'll rally again? What if? None of us wants to make that decision. I've had to do it three times and experience did not make it any easier the second or third time around. But it gives me comfort knowing I did everything I could to extend the lives of my dogs and that when it became clear that action had to be taken, I am so very glad I was right there, holding them in my arms, comforting them, soothing them, just as you did for Zoe.

Your hope chest sounds so full of love....and it is. It sounds of gentleness. It sounds of warmth. Can you find a little stuffed chicken to stick in there to represent the chicken walks? I bet you could, with Easter coming up.;) Just a tiny little one.

I am sorry to hear you are moving. Although I'm not sure why I say that. I guess because many memories will be left behind. But you sure don't need to be taking care of two acres plus a pool!! Let's get you down to less than 1/2 an acre and a hot tub!!

I know this hurts. I understand. I'm still on your shoulder, even if I'm a little quiet. :)

Love,
Sus

You are right Sus, of course and hubby said the same thing about we may have only had her seven short years but the quality of time and that time we spent with her were more than some dogs have in a lifetime. We have not gone on vacation in six years because of Zoe. I dont regret how much we devoted to her. I could never think of her as an "old girl" she was always my 'little girl" and always will be.

Last night my daughter and granddaughter came to visit to cheer us up. I was in the bedroom doing my arm excersies and Koko ran to the door and did his odd beagle bark at them. He always relied on Zoe to be master guard dog and back him up. So far he is doing ok but I am afraid to shower him with too much attention as I dont want his seperation anxiety to start up. We took a brief walk this morning until we realized there was still black ice on the road in spots, so we had to turn back home. But he did enjoy walking and smelling new smells.

I'm a romantic, emotional, sensitive person. It does not take much to make me happy. I delight in small things and bad things I feel very strongly. It is hard for me but I know it will ease with time. The last year of Zoe's life, we did not leave her alone much. We were on such a tight schedule, she either needed a drop or something every few hours so we had to time everything around her. I did not even go to my brother's house Christmas Day. I just could not leave her.


It is so hard but I do smile at the memories and we speak of her every day. She came to me in my dreams last night. I know she will visit me again. I find great comfort in that. She was here a brief moment last night too, when I came home from work. Zoe knows she is coming home tomorrow. And that is how it should be.
Forever with me.

Beautifully said.
Love always
Sonja and Angel Apollo
We all get to that point about downsizing. When you have lived on this earth for awhile,you realize stuff gets in the way, and little things can make you happy. Koko seems to be adjusting, he will have his moments of missing Zoe. Zoe's sweater is beautiful.
Glad you are posting.