Attila-Calcinosis cutis, starting treatment w/ Lysodren..(Attila has passed on)

a couple of videos about cyber knife

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g0goPNHp6H0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SrbWZ0_wNE4

checking in on you and Attlia. How did this morning go?

hugs

My sweet baby boy passed on this morning. This came on suddenly the night before last when Attila started yelping in his sleep. I thought he was having a running or barking dream, but it kept going, and I saw that he was disoriented. My husband and I rushed him to the emergency room where he was put on anti-swelling meds and sedated for the night. Our trusted vet took an MRI which showed the huge (2.3 cm) brain tumor I mentioned in my previous post that had started bleeding, hence the sudden onset of symptoms. We were hoping the brain swelling would go down and we could radiate that damned tumor down to size this morning. I got a call from the vet at 5AM this morning saying that Attila was having problems breathing and his blood pressure was low and he may not have much time left. At 6AM we made the decision to set Attila free of his struggle to breathe. My husband and I were with him - he knew we were there and that he was surrounded by love. I kissed that fuzzy muzzle, and I had my hand on his heart as he passed.
I know we all ask ourselves - should I have done anything different? Our vet said that even if we decided a few months ago to get the MRI and do radiation, there were chances that it might have side effects on the rest of the brain because the tumor was so large in proportion to his little Frenchie brain. I have to trust that this was the best way for him to go.
Attila went to work with me twice this past week and made quick fans of everyone. He was happiest being around his humans. He was his usual alert, energetic, stubborn, playful, silly, sassy, loving, empathic, gentle self up to his last day.
I have never experienced grief, but it physically hurts. Attila opened my heart and he kept it massaged. He amazed me every day with his innate gifts. How lucky I was to fall in love each and every day. Although I have not been a consistent member to this forum, I can't tell you how much I have appreciated everyone being here for me and each other. It takes a village to raise our canine children, and you are all part of that village. Thank You, Laura

Laura,

I am very sorry to read about your little Attila!!! Yes the grief hurts very deep and will continue to and know we are all here for you.

To second guess is something we all have gone through, but know you did your very best for him! And he knows this! Please be kind to yourself.

(((hugs)))
Terry

Laura, my heart breaks for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband.

-Lisa

Laura--my heartfelt condolences to you and your husband. Your love for Attila was obvious to all of us and all of your decisions were based on that love.

Oh Laura, so very sorry to hear that Attila passed. I'm glad he knew you were there with him.

My sincerest condolences.

Oh Laura,

I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your sweet Attila, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

With Heartfelt Sympathy, Lori

I am so very sorry for your loss.

Dear Laura,

My heart just shattered reading about your sweet baby boy. You gave Attila a wonderful life and fought with him for as long as possible. I know he is watching over you with all the love in his heart.

Our deepest sympathies,
Leslie, Trinket, Brick, Sophie, Fox, Redd and all our Angels

I Haven't Left At All

I saw you gently weeping as you looked through photographs
You paused for just a moment at one that made you laugh.

But as you turned more pages the tears began to flow
You whispered that you missed me but I want you to know;
I softly licked those stinging tears that down your cheeks did fall
I want to help you understand I haven’t left at all.

On those days that you are overcome with sorrow, pain and grief
I rest my head upon your leg to offer some relief.
When you take our walking path I’ve seen you turn around
Because I know you surely heard my paws upon the ground.

At night while you are sleeping I snuggle at your side
You stroke my fur as you touch that place where I used to lie.
You said it’s just your heart playing tricks upon your mind
But rest assured I’m really there, my spirit’s left behind.

I know your heart is hurting; it’s like an open sore
You think my life has ended and you won’t see me anymore.
But for those of us bound tight by love, death is not the curtain call;
It’s really the eternal beginning that waits for us all.

So, dear Master, as you live your life I patiently await
For us to be together when you pass through Heaven’s gate

Leslie - This poem is beautiful, along with the two quotes below. I need to know he is with me somewhere. The last quote really helps me with a new perspective.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Squirt's Mom

Dear Laura,

My heart just shattered reading about your sweet baby boy. You gave Attila a wonderful life and fought with him for as long as possible. I know he is watching over you with all the love in his heart.

Our deepest sympathies,
Leslie, Trinket, Brick, Sophie, Fox, Redd and all our Angels

I Haven't Left At All

I saw you gently weeping as you looked through photographs
You paused for just a moment at one that made you laugh.

But as you turned more pages the tears began to flow
You whispered that you missed me but I want you to know;
I softly licked those stinging tears that down your cheeks did fall
I want to help you understand I haven’t left at all.

On those days that you are overcome with sorrow, pain and grief
I rest my head upon your leg to offer some relief.
When you take our walking path I’ve seen you turn around
Because I know you surely heard my paws upon the ground.

At night while you are sleeping I snuggle at your side
You stroke my fur as you touch that place where I used to lie.
You said it’s just your heart playing tricks upon your mind
But rest assured I’m really there, my spirit’s left behind.

I know your heart is hurting; it’s like an open sore
You think my life has ended and you won’t see me anymore.
But for those of us bound tight by love, death is not the curtain call;
It’s really the eternal beginning that waits for us all.

So, dear Master, as you live your life I patiently await
For us to be together when you pass through Heaven’s gate

---

To those of you who have reached out to me and my husband - Lori, Bandits mom,Leslie, Sharlene, Judy, Lisa and Terry and all your fur children: Feeling connected with you all with your empathy makes the pain more bearable. Thank You. This grief thing is new to me and more difficult than anything Ive felt. I am relieved to know that many of you have made it through, and that it can be an expanding experience (at some point soon I hope!).

Dear Laura,

Many people in this world have no idea that it is possible to feel this close and this connected to one's furbaby, but we do, and it is so hard losing them, please know that we are here for you and your husband always.

(((HUGS))) Lori

Big Hugs Laura.

Grief is a rollercoaster. One moment you are fine and then something will touch that memory, emotion inside and you just lose it. At least that is how it is for me.
I think everyone experiences it in a way unique to them, even within the same household.

We're here, any time you need us.

hugs

I needed your messages today Lori and Sharlene - Thank you! One week ago today is when he passed on. I awoke out of the blue at 520AM this morning - the same time when I saw Attila last Tuesday morning at the hospital. The subconscious is a surprising thing. It has been a very teary day and night, spurred on by calling the vet to let them know the cremation company hadn't called yet. I don't want to say goodbye to his body either. Thankfully many people around me at work understand the connection, especially since they knew my furry son. Yes, a roller coaster is!

Just want you to know that I know exactly how you are feeling. It was only me and "mah boy" and I lost him suddenly in November at 15. To this day when I go to the memorial candle page, I weep, sometimes uncontrollably as he was almost the most cherished thing I had. It is still very difficult, but I want you to know that the stomach turning, gut wrenching grief you are feeling, will subside. That doesn't mean though you will miss them any less, you are just able to cope with it better. Even today, something will set me off so unexpectedly, and bring me to tears, but I am able to manage better and so will you. I didn't want to say goodbye to his body either, he was beautiful even in death, but I somehow have come to a semblance or acceptance, even though the pain remains. I can function a little better then I could before when absolutely nothing mattered.
I didn't even want to look at other dogs walking down the street or watch how happy other people were with their dogs, but I can cope with that now and even have the odd time gone and pet someone else's dog. I call it my therapy... it works even though I still long for me beloved boy.
This was my first time losing a pet, and I can't imagine ever going through it again, and yet once in a blue moon lately I have wondered if I will ever get one again.... a few months ago it wouldn't have even crossed my mind.
So.... after my rambling, although I was completely shattered and just never thought I could cope without Keesh, you will in time feel a bit better. Grief is so different for so many. Keeping you in my thoughts as you travel this sad journey.

Thank you for reaching out Judi. I think because we have such a chemical reaction to our dogs (endorphins, oxytocin) we feel that loss of their bodies so much more. I will feel like Im losing him all over again once I know he is cremated this week. The man from the cremation company finally called this evening and I asked if I could call him back when I didn't have to work because I knew I wouldn't be able to hold it together. You helped in building my faith that this will get easier, or at least Ill be able to cope better once the shock to the system wears off a bit. Love to you and your boy Keesh.

Laura, I'm so sorry about your sweet baby Attila, it's so hard, we too just lost our baby girl Aggie the 27th of April. It's a roller coaster ride for sure. We do well for a while and the craziest things will set you off. Won't bore you with lots of details but I had a Dr appt on tues, had to have an IV thing put in my arm and I lost it, all I could see was the one in Aggies paw, heard I song I sang to her, I lost it.
A storm (she hated them), the squirrels she won't chase again, it's all the first and as everyone had been so supportive of me saying things, they all assure me it's hard it is natural and above all ITS OK!!
We too had Aggie cremated, and the raw emotions started all over yesterday when we got her ashes back. BUT, this morning when I came down the steps, I said Hi to her, told her I missed her but I was so glad she wasn't in pain and struggling. (She is in our China cabinet). Tomorrow I might not react the same way, but I'm learning that no matter what it's OK...
They are our babies, gave us the most unconditional love ever and will always have a special place in our hearts, but...it hurts like HELL. I hope I'm not over stepping my bounds by sharing what we have been going through
I wish for you peace and comfort

HI Bonnie - Overstepping? Absolutely not!!! I need you to share your experience since we are going through a parallel process, and I am brand new to this as well. I started following your thread on April 27th when Attila went into the hospital. I posted to you and I was trying to get as much solace as possible from the posts from the community. Today I finally spoke with the cremation people. It felt like it was happening all over again for me too. We get the ashes on Monday with a paw print and fur. I don't have a china cabinet, but Ill have to make a special alter. Im glad to hear you had a good morning with her. Aggie has soulful eyes, she looks like a very caring dog. Attila has the independent bulldog spirit, so when he gets to doggy Heaven, he'll be adventuring around without a care in the world, knowing Ill always be there for him. If Aggie is a big dog, he'll probably find her since he thinks he's a big dog and he likes pretty girls…This waking up at the same hour I got to the hospital for Attila that last night has got to stop. Im looking and feeling a little haggard by now! Please reach out anytime, it will be a surprising process for sure, but like you said, its all OK. Keeping you, your husband and Aggie in my thoughts.

Ah Laura, it's tough and just plane sucks. Last night thought I was having a good night, got in bed and just lost it. Laid there and held in the tears as I didn't want Joe to know, I cry he cries he cries, I cry, but it subsided.
Just prepare yourself for Monday, it's going to be so hard and will bring it all up again, at least it did for us. Now with her ashes at home, I tell her how much we miss her, how hard we tried and how so unfair it was that she had to go through this, but (and I hate it when people, other then our community heresay it, but) I tell her how she isn't suffering now, how she can breath better, not have to potty every 15 mins, not just always think she is hungry, the diease was awful and we saw what it was doing to her.
You will say to yourself wow, I didn't cry today, the you will think, don't I care, what's wrong with me, you do care you do miss your baby, your just having a peaceful day, I say to myself it's Aggie sending me good vibes telling me she is ok.
When you talk to Attila, tell him Aggie is really nice, just a tad stand off-ish, she is "British" you know LOL. She wasn't your typical Lab, she HATED water, she wouldn't retrieve worth a darn, you throw a ball or stick and she would look at you like um, YOU threw it, YOU go get it..she was a trip.
Write me messages anytime you want, tell me more about Attila. For me, it helps to share. you will cry as you write, you will have to stop and re-group but it's OK.
I'm a talker as you can see, or should say a writer..I just put it down as I'm feeling it....it does help, today so far has been a pretty good day, tough but good...it's one day at a time...xoxo
I'm here anytime and do my best to respond, I just won't do it at work...my co-workers all know but I'm trying to just stay focused at work and get throught the days....
But again....whatever you are feeling, whenever you want to cry, scream or whatever, DO IT, only YOU can take charge of your life and do this and cope how YOU need to do it.

Much love and hugs