My Pug Scoop (Precious Scoop has passed... )

Thanks Valerie.
I tried my hardest to help Scoop. It hurts just thinking about the what-ifs. It's just so sad it had to end like it did. I miss him so much. My heart still aches.

Valerie:
I could fill up a book about my could have's , should haves, if only, maybes, probablys etc. on the things I have second guessed with Tipper's life. My main if only is that I would not have given her prednisone for allergies, and we would not be where we are. I know this keeps playing over and over in your head. At times it is impossible to shut it off, I know from experience. I am instead trying to think of all the things done, accomplished, tried, prayed for, researched, and any little victories we have had. I try to get the others out of my head. If I keep feeling I caused this on My Tipper I will just crumble. I need to go on for her sake. This morning I am having Lupus symptoms and just would like to lay down and rest. Well that is not happening, as Tipper is up and wants to walk, and that she shall. Please try, cause I know it is not easy, to fill your heart with all these things you did to help your baby. I know you would have gone to Mars to help him. After all look, you took him for radiation, because you thought that you would leave no stone unturned. I would have followed your path also. You were going to the nth degree for this baby, as I would. You left it all out there Vicki on this one shot to help him. Please don't blame yourself, even though that is easy for me to say and I do it myself. It is easy for anyone to realize the depth of love you have for Scoop, and how you went to the ends of the earth to help him. He knows you did Vicki, he knows you did not let him down. He knows you pushed and shoved to get him whatever he needed. He knows you never wanted to be without him. He would not want to see you so unhappy. He knew you were the best mom in the world and you stuck by him thru it all. I get a knot in my stomach when I think of how things turned out for you both, as I have told you many times, Tipper and I will walk in your shoes, it is inevitable. I am tied so deeply to her that I don't know if I could survive her leaving me. You will in your own way come to terms with this in time. Do what you must to get thru it, and hang onto your other baby as he needs you now and probably is sensing your sadness. Blessings
Patti

Patti, Thank you. You are a sweetheart.

Vicki,
I have my share of what if's that play on a continuous reel in my mind. I think it's all part of the grieving process. What matters most is that our boys know without a doubt that they are loved. Loved every second or every day, forever.:p Yes, I still feel really sad and cry clutching Buddy's blanket and stuffed frog. Waves of sadness wash over me like the tide rushing in. There are other times when I'm able to function pretty well. I think it all takes time to feel what we need to before we can continue on and find a new normal. Sending you loving thoughts and prayers. You will make it Vicki. We both will.
Big hugs,

Hey Vicki, sending hugs and prayers, my what ifs get to me too, but I have to keep telling myself that I did the best I could for my Simba, just as you did for your precious Scoop...somewhere I heard that the ones who come onto your life for a little while makes the most impact, I truly believe that...Simba taught me so much and I miss him every day, just as your precious Scoop taught you things...hang on to seeing him again someday, and those precious visits that only they can do, and take one day at a time, here for you!!!

Kathy and Letti, I can't thank you enough for watching out for me. It helps to know how you feel since we lost our boys so close together. There are times (lots of times) when I have this horrible knot in my stomach and my chest feels like it wants to explode. It just overwhelms me and I start crying. It's still just so hard to believe this has happened and Scoop isn't here. Love and miss my sweet boy Scoop so much.
Thank you again my friends.
Hugs to all.

Vicki:
I was in a hurry and unknowingly put a message on Letti's thread for you. Blessings
Patti

Thanks Patti, I saw it.

Vicki:
Dr. Bruyette just answered me and said he is doing studies on pathogenesis of Cushings in dogs and in humans. He said they can always use funds for research. There was a link with a tour of their new hospital, it is fabulous. The people there are lucky to have a facility like this. I bet it is very expensive though. So what do we do from here? Blessings
Patti

Patti, So Dr. Bruyette's hospital is actually doing a study on the cause of Cushing's? I know they are doing the study on shrinking the tumor. So they are studying the cause also? Did he tell you anything about how to donate? I wish I was a millionaire. I don't know what to say. Maybe others might have some suggestions. It would be nice if we could send him a big, fat check from all of our babies.

Has anyone heard from Mel?

No. I even sent her a PM a few days ago, but haven't heard back.:o

I sent a PM a couple days ago too but haven't heard from her.
Hope she's OK.

Maybe she is bogged down at work after her vacation.
I'm sure she will be back soon:):)

Vicki:
You know that has crossed my mind so many times the last couple days and I have been so busy I keep forgetting to ask everyone. She may be real busy coming back from vacation and all. Blessings
Patti

In less than an hour it will be 5 weeks since my sweet Scoop left us.
I keep reliving that night over and over in my mind.
It is still so hard to believe it has happened.
I miss my Scoop so very much.
Every Monday night I sit here with him in my lap.
I love and miss Scoop so much.

Vicki:
I am with you on the feeling, and wish I could find the magic wand to make things better for you. I worry more as each day goes by about my Tipper. I wish with all my heart I could stop and freeze time. I probably will not be able to handle losing my girl and I am petrified and crying at times. God Bless You Vicki, my heart goes out to you. Blessings
Patti

Patti-Thank you. Your Tipper is strong and so are you. You keep fighting the way you do for her. She is so lucky to have you for her mom.

Dear Vicki,

My heart goes out to you, especially this week because this is my rough week of remembering, too. I know that I cannot lift your pain, but I do want you to know that you're not alone. Unlike you, I had my Barkis right at home with me that last night. But I also suffer when I remember. We had chosen to keep him at home so that we'd be with him in those final hours -- so that I wouldn't have any regrets about that part. But Vicki, the crazy thing is, that is my biggest regret. Because when it came down to that last night, I couldn't bear to admit to myself that he would be taking his final ride first thing in the morning. So to trick myself into making it through that night, I didn't do anything different. He was on his dogbed, and I was up in mine. I didn't hold him all through the night, or kiss his head, or fondle his ears. I didn't tell him what a good boy he was. I pretended that there'd be plenty more days for that. And as soon as we got up in the morning, I gave him a quick hug and we loaded him in the car for the ride over to the vet, just as we'd done so many times during that last year. And that's how I managed to take that ride and walk in that door with him. That's the only way I could live through that day. But that first night, when he was gone, I couldn't believe I had sacrificed those final hours with him. I simply couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe I had been so weak as to lose my chance for a sweet good-by at home. It still hurts, and it is my biggest regret of all. If only I could do it over.

Once we know how the story ends, it is so easy to go back and imagine how things would have turned out had we done them differently. But when we're in the midst of the pages unfolding, we do what we can and what we think is best. Right at that moment. That's all we are able to do. And the truth is, we really can never know whether they would have turned out "better," anyway, had they been different. Maybe I would have scared Barkis by acting out of the ordinary, myself. As it was, I don't think he had a fear in the world because he did not know what I knew or that anything was wrong. Maybe it was easier for Scoop to depart for the Bridge without sensing how scared and upset you would have been had you been near him that night. That sweet nurse was rubbing his ear, and he did not know that you were upset at all. Vicki, maybe it was better for Scoop that way.

For you and me, it doesn't feel better now. But we have to trust that both Barkis and Scoop always knew that they were loved. Always. And a lifetime of love far outweighs a few hours during a dark night. I do believe they both left this world peacefully knowing they were loved, and always will be.

Sending huge hugs your way,
Marianne

I think our dogs know sometimes. Lulu would go outside and sit in the cold, even the snow, and I would bring her back in. She seemed to know. I hear say that like Native Americans that sometimes a dog will want to be alone these moments. I think Lulu knew that was upsetting to me, so she waited for me to come back from a job interview I had gone to on a blizzard day. I think we could have revived her too, but to what avail. She had for sure an enlarged heart with 'old dog lungs' . It is hard, and I know for us in two days, August 8, it will be six months. I do hope I am home to have a candle lit for her.

Our Stanley has become a real joy, he is learning every day. We do have to keep a rein on him with strangers though, there are some people he does not seem to like. It's hard to fake a dog, they read people better than we do, I guess that's why they make good workers for the government, not only in their sense of smell, but in their judge of character.

Give your Raleigh a kiss for me, he seems adorable, and I do worry about our pets when they lose a companion of their own.

Marianne and Bob,
Thank you for sharing your stories and heartbreak with me.
I'm sorry you both have a rough week of remembering this week. No matter how it happens it hurts like all "heck". It seems like no matter how much time passes, it is still very difficult.
I often said that I wouldn't be able to make "the decision" so I guess Scoop made it for me. No matter who makes the decision it is never easy on us moms and dads who love them so much and are so heart broken. All I know is my heart still aches so much and I think about the what-ifs. I think about things and it just bothers me like that the IMS told me, after he was gone, that she didn't think he was that sick. I keep thinking, why didn't she warn me. She had an explanation after it was all said and done but why didn't she think or know this would happen. I just get confused when I think about things. Just hard for me to wrap my head around some things. So far it hasn't gotten any easier. I love and miss my Scoop so much. As I'm sure you do Barkis and Lulu.

Bob, yes, Raleigh is adorable and we love him. He is so different than Scoop was. I know he loved Scoop very much. He would almost always want to be where Scoop was before Scoop got sick and sometimes after. He hasn't showed it but I'm sure he misses Scoop.

Dear Vicki,

I am so sorry and I hope one day those last days, hours and minutes are replaced with loving memories of a time long before, a time that will be remembered with a smile and a soft, gentle heart. Things happen for a reason, no matter how haunting that reason may be.

Soft gentle hugs to you, Vicki, I cry with you, we all do.

Addy, Thank you so much. Everything is still so fresh in my mind. Scoop was such a big part of our lives. Everything reminds me of Scoop which I want to remember Scoop and never forget him but his passing still hurts so much. I miss him terribly. I just seem to be one of those who will struggle with this for quite some time. I'm sorry I'm so depressed all the time. Thank you for caring. I appreciate all your kind words, love and hugs. You all are the best.

Aw Vicki, I'm here with you, Sim is always on my mind too, it will take sometime to stop the tears, I cry a little everyday, sometimes a lot...its ok to tell us how you are feeling, don't feel bad for being down, its expected...I stay very busy with my new pup but he is not my Sim, no one will ever take his place in my heart...but I am doing my best to keep him alive thru my memories, trying my best to smile and tell the world that I'm ok, when deep down I'm not..sending hugs and prayers hon, take care of you!

Grieving has no time limit, it lasts for as long as it needs to last. Dont feel bad about it. We are all here, we are not going anywhere, so we will talk and listen, hug, laugh and cry with you for however long you need us to and then some:)

Oh Letti and Addy, I can't thank you enough for your kind, loving words.
I spent most of this past year with my Scoop. I worked only part time for a while then the last few months I didn't work at all. I was with Scoop almost 24/7except at times when my husband or daughter would be home and I would run errands or go to lunch with my husband or when Scoop was in the hospital. Scoop was my life. I would take Scoop with me, if I could. We would mail letters in the mailbox at the Post Office because it was a drive and drop from the car. I would go through the drive-thru at the Credit Union with Scoop in the car. We would go to 2 different pet stores to get food and treats. We went through the drive-thru at Wendy's and MacDonald's. I took him to this park that I have to drive past often. My car has a lot of Scoop hair on the floor and my husband said the car needs a sweeping. I said not yet. He was such a BIG part of my life and now I can't bring myself to go to the pet stores, I have to go to the Credit Union but I don't use the drive-thru and it's hard to just go there. I now let my mailman take my letters I used to mail with Scoop. I think I want to change vets for Raleigh because I have a hard time just driving past the vet's office. I have a hard time eating certain foods because I know Scoop used to love them.
I miss my Scoop so much.
I went to one of the local animal shelters the other day and filled out a paper to volunteer if they could use someone who has no special skill or talent.
I visited that shelter and another one the other week and took some food that Raleigh isn't going to eat and left a small donation. My heart went out to all the dogs there.
At the shelter close to my home I asked if they had any Pugs. She said not right now but they do get some at times. I wasn't sure why I asked because I wasn't sure how I felt about another one so soon after Scoop. Two days later, Friday night I saw I got an email from the person I talked to, saying that a Pug came in 20 minutes after I left there on Wed. I thought maybe it was meant to be. Maybe Scoop sent him to me. So over the weekend I talked to my husband and he said he was OK with it. Sunday I responded to the email and said I would like to meet him. The next morning I thought maybe I better call. Talked to the person in charge of dog adoptions. The Pug was having surgery that day and he would call the next day and see about me meeting the Pug, Tupper. I didn't hear from him. So Wed I found out he was either adopted or foster to adopt. That was really fast.So I guess it wasn't meant to be. He is about 8 years old. He got neutered and a growth removed. I think they had to pull some teeth and his eye sight is not good. I was told he was walking into things and he has very bad dry eye. The vet put him on several eye drops to see if it would help. If I understood the man I talked to (his cell phone was breaking up) he said the person who's home Tupper went to is a vet tech and she could evaluate his eye sight as he is getting the eye drops. I'm sure he went to a good home and he will have a Pug sister, they said on Facebook. I saw his picture and he didn't look like my Scoop. Tupper has some darker fur but I just looked at him and I could see Scoop. They said that Tupper is such a sweet, gentle soul and loves to give kisses. Sounds like my Scoop. Guess it wasn't meant to be like I thought it was.

Love you my Scoop with all my heart!

Vicki:
I totally agree with Addy, grieving has no limit, so just come on here and we will all be here for you always. You can say things on here that people in the " real world" would not understand. I am so happy we all have this forum to come to, it has been my saving grace from going bonkers sometimes. I am glad you are reaching out to other babies that may need your help, Scoop would be proud of you and happy you are doing it. Blessings
Patti

Just wanted to say, thanks, Patti.

Hi Vicki,

I'm sorry the days are still so bad. Some day they won't be as bad. It is just such a hole in your life and heart to go from doing so much for Scoop to having empty days.
Volunteering is a great idea. :) Maybe this one, was the getting you ready to accept the possibility, rather than the one who would end up a part of your family. :)

hugs,
Sharlene and Molly Muffin

Sharlene, That is a nice way to think about it, as getting ready.
I haven't heard from the volunteer lady yet so we'll see what she has to say. I did hear they have quite a few volunteers there.

I can't believe how bad I feel today. Even worse than other days. I am still having all these questions and nagging feelings about why this happened the way it did and was everything done that could have been done to prevent Scoop from getting so sick. Did the doctors do everything they could to help Scoop? I just keep having this nagging feeling that something could have been done and it is driving me crazy. I wish I could think of Scoop with a smile and remember the good times and not how things ended. I feel so tied up in knots all the time. I can't relax. Scoop is always on my mind. I do miss him so very much. It has left me with a big hole in my heart and my life.

Tonight it is 6 weeks since I lost my Scoop. I love and miss him so very much. It has been a very tough 6 weeks.


Sitting here holding you.
I love and miss you more than I can say.
Always thinking of you.
You are always in my heart.
Love you forever Scoop!
Mom

Hi Vicki,
It's been a tough six weeks for me too.:o We'll get through this together. Many, many big hugs my dear,

Kathy,
6 weeks for you tomorrow(today). Thanks for being here for me.
Big hugs right back at you.

Hugs to both of you.

Vicki:
It does just seem like yesterday to everyone else, but I know it is an eternity to you. Wish I lived closer so you and I could talk, and I could help you some how. I am just so sad for you that you have to have so much pain. God Bless you and Scoop
Patti

Patti,
Thank you. Oh how I would love that if we would be closer and could meet up and talk. I think that a lot, that it would help to have closer contact. Everyone is just spread out so far from one another. There are times, like right now, that I could use a big, in person, hug.

Valerie, Thank you for the hugs.

Cant give you a hug in person but sending a virtual hug for you.

Im so so sorry your feeling so sad :(

Vicki, thank you so much for your hugs on Buddy's thread. You are absolutely right, virtual hugs just don't cut it, but they are the best we have. :p:) The support, feelings and love sent is real though. I would certainly give you several great big hugs in person if I could. I know you ache for your sweet Scoop as much as I do for Buddy. Xxxxx

Sending hugs Vicki, understanding how you are feeling..

Thank you everyone.
Not feeling too good right now. Later