My Pug Scoop (Precious Scoop has passed... )

just sending a few more hugs and healing prayers my friend....thinking of you xoxox

Hi Vicki
Just wanted to say hello and let you know I was thinking of you.My heart breaks for you as I know what you are going through.Sending lots of hugs and prayers your way today.
Love,
Patty

I will be thinking of you and precious Scoop while I am away.

Take care of yourself

Love
Mel
Xxxx

I feel like I am going to explode. There is more that I haven't talked about that went on the last few weeks. I am now feeling responsible for Scoop's passing. I would never have intentionally hurt my sweet Scoop but I'm afraid it might be my fault. I will never be able to live with this. It is tearing me apart. The pieces came together in my head tonight and I feel like I am going to fall apart. My heart hurts thinking I might be responsible for my Scoop losing his life. Dear God, please help me.

It's been hard and I haven't told all the story of what had been happening the last few weeks. I was going to in time. It's just been so hard for me. Now I feel like it might be my fault. Looking back on things I realize I made wrong decisions. I was hoping to talk to Scoop's IMS today. She ran some tests on him on Monday and said she would call me with the results. I really need to have a talk with her and see if she can help me. I'll even make an appointment and see her. That's how much I need to talk. I hope I can make it through the weekend.

On the news they were talking about blood infections and I looked things up on the internet tonight and now I am feeling responsible for my Scoop not being here. On May 29th we took Scoop to the Animal Specialty Center in NY for a consultation for Cyberknife treatment. All his tests were good and the doctor said he didn't see any reason why he couldn't have the treatment. He had MRI, CT scan, abdominal ultrasound, thoracic radiograph done. One treatment was scheduled for the following week. During that week his eating got pickier. The day before the treatment, he didn't eat hardly at all and slept all day. His belly did seem to move a little faster with his breathing. We drove to NY that evening and stayed overnight. The next morning he seemed a bit better. I took him to the hospital for his treatment and told the nurse what was going on. The doctor called and said they were going ahead and did I want a feeding tube put in after the treatment so we would have time to figure out what was going on with his picky eating and give the radiation time to work on the tumor. When they were ready to release him, which was later in the day the doctor didn't like his breathing. He listened to him and checked his oxygenation. It was good or he said he wouldn't release him. He said to make sure he gets checked out when we get home.

We stayed over night again. The next day when we got home I took Scoop to see the IMS. She said he had aspiration pneumonia. She said she thought it should have showed up within 3-4 days and this was longer. He wasn't doing too badly except he threw up a couple of times and I was afraid he wouldn't keep his meds down so Monday I took him to the hospital. He stayed for 3 days. The IMS was happy with the chest x-ray. I took him home with antibiotics. The next day I took Scoop back for blood work and his white count was high so she did a culture and started him on Clindamycin. The culture came back showing the blood infection but he was on the right antibiotic. I have to stop for a few minutes.

I am here Vicki. Up early to get packed.

You're not at fault, everything you did was to help him, I know it's tough but you can't blame yourself.

Sending you tight hugs

Still here holding you tight.

Scoop's regular vet wanted to try a med for his diarrhea. She talked to the IMS and they agreed for him to stop the one antibiotic he was taking for the pneumonia because it can cause diarrhea and start these pills to try to help bind him up. He still had the diarrhea but he wasn't going as often and it was just a bit harder. This past Saturday he seemed OK. He ate some dog food for breakfast and supper and had some chicken from Olive Garden in between. I think he also ate a couple of treats.Then during the night he started to have trouble with his breathing. I don't understand why because he was getting one antibiotic for his pneumonia and one for the blood infection. He was doing OK then all of a sudden he wasn't.

Did he get the infection from having the feeding tube put in? Should he have not had the radiation treatment? Should he have stayed on the 2 antibiotics for the pneumonia? Should he have been back on his Vetoryl? Maybe his immune system would have been stronger if he was on it.

This is so freakin hard to understand and cope with. I miss my baby Scoop so much it hurts. Now to think if I made a wrong decision and it cost him his life, I will never forgive myself. All I wanted to do was help him and now look what I have done. Nothing went right and now my Scoop is gone forever. To think I might have made the wrong decisions and cost him his life is just too much for me to take.

Please forgive me Scoop. I love you so much and I didn't want to hurt you much less cost you your life. I will have to try to live with this the rest of my life, which is going to be so very hard. I will have to get some help. I absolutely hate that all this happened and I hate the day I heard the word Cushings.
Please forgive me.
By the way. The doctor in NY said when he saw Scoop's MRI that he couldn't be sure if the tumor was causing his picky eating. I asked why and he said he didn't think it was big enough. I still decided to go ahead with the treatment because he said he wasn't sure. Scoop's tumor in Nov. was 8mmx3mm. It was 1cm x .7cm now. It grew 2mm in height and 4mm wide. The width more than doubled. He showed me the two side by side and it had gotten more rounded. So I just thought I wouldn't have to worry about the tumor after the treatment. Now I have lost my Scoop and it is even worse than worrying about the tumor because if I hadn't made those decisions he might still be here with us.

Talking to the IMS on Monday when I visited with Scoop she said his picky eating could have had something to do with his intestinal problems. I sure wish someone would have explained all of that to me. I might have done things differently. I said maybe I would have had him scoped first. She said he could have gotten the pneumonia from that too. ( But did the infection come from the feeding tube? )She said I needed to start somewhere and I started with the radiation and there was nothing wrong with that. She said this when he was still here with us. (but now he's gone). She did an ultrasound on Monday and she said his gall bladder had so much sludge she said if he would have been a healthier dog she would have recommended to have it removed.

Now nothing matters. My Scoop is gone and I feel so guilty.

Mel-I feel like I am losing it. I feel so horrible that I didn't do right by my Scoop.

You did do right by him sweetheart. I can't answer all the medical questions but from reading your post his tumor had grew and would have continued to grow. You could never foresee any of the other complications

You took him there to give him his best shot.

I know that I questioned everything for weeks afterward I lost Tia. If I could have taken her for radiation I would of Vicki

Thanks Mel,
It is going to take a long time, if ever, to get over this. It hurts so much and then to feel responsible for his death is too much to handle.
There is a support group that meets around here. I think I will have to check into it. I just can't handle this.

I think it does help to talk about it but it's so tough to get the words out. Remember you have all your friends here who love you and people who have been through similar tough times.

You just have to put one foot in front of the other. Some days will be worse than others, try not to beat yourself up too much as you loved the little guy, you never in a million years would have done anything to hurt him.

Big big hug

Love
Mel
Xxxxxx

Last night I had trouble falling asleep. Then all of a sudden I was awakened and couldn't fall asleep right away again. I had a nightmare that Scoop had fallen off of something and I quick rushed to pick him up and then I woke up so startled and scared. Now I don't feel like sleeping again tonight.
I miss my Scoop so much. I was always with him. I want him here with me.

Hugs back to you Mel.
I just can't help thinking if I would have done things differently he would still be here with us and I would be holding him.

I thought the same Vicki. I think it is part of grieving.

So sorry you had a nightmare. It's hard enough to get to sleep as it is.

Mel-I better shut the computer off and try to get some sleep. I have a dentist appointment in the morning. Maybe I will turn on the TV and try to fall asleep. Thanks for always being here. I hope you can enjoy your holiday.
Big hugs and be safe.
Let us know when you are back.

Dear Vicki,
Just dropping in to give you mass hugs and healing energy. Scoop loves you so much! He is thankful for everything you did for him and for all the time you had together. Your kind of love transcends every dimension. He will be with you always. I know in my heart that that is true. I also know that Scoop would want you to be happy. Xxxxxxx

Ok babe, will ping you a visitor message or post here as soon as I am back.

Lots of love and hugs

Mel
Xxxxx

Dear Vicki:
I am reading your postings and crying as my heart is breaking for you. Please, I know it is hard not to do, but don't blame yourself. You were struggling for so long with a way to help Scoop out of this terrible situation. You did everything within your power to get him the best treatment you could. I don't think there is any right decision with this horrible disease. As I look back over the last 11 months of my life, it has been devastating to say the least. I remember my life being decent, and being happy before Cushings entered the picture. It has been the downfall of both Tipper and me. I can just burst into tears at any given time, so I have basically isolated myself because people do not and will not even try to understand how a dog can affect my life like this. Tipper is my family, my best friend, my confidant etc. all rolled into one. The thought of not seeing her sweet face because of the ungodly disease kills me. I know the deep dark hole where you are at. I lost my last precious dog to cancer, and blamed myself for the decisions I made. It took me years to actually function normally. I still have nightmares about her. I don't think I can go on without Tipper, it will be the last and final blow to me. God Bless you Vicki that you may find your way out of this deep dark hole. I am praying for you and your precious Scoop in heaven.
Patti

Oh Vicki,

I think it is as Mel said, part of the grieving process, if only I had done this, or not done that, everything has risks and we have no way of having guaranteed outcome. Even Koko's dental has risks to some degree with his partially collapsing trachea, anesthesia, etc. The important thing to try to remember is that you fought for Scoop every step of the way, every decision was made out of love for him and because you tried to do right by him.

We can all play arm chair quarter back, I do it with Zoe all the time, I think it comes with the territory.

But Vicki, please do not blame yourself. Scoop would not want that for you at all. Of that I am sure.

Big Hugs and much love

Hi Vicki
I just read your last few posts and my heart is with you.The blame and regret and second guessing everything is part of grieving as Mel said.I still am in that place sometimes and it's a horrible place to be!

I don't know that much about Cushings but I read everything you did for Scoop and you did everything you could-you made all the RIGHT decisions.Please don't doubt yourself.I only know how feeding tubes affect people but I've never seen anyone get an infection from one.It is an easy procedure that is done quite often with relatively no complications.The intestines are considered "dirty" so bacteria is already there-the only thing I've ever seen with a feeding tube is that occasionally the skin around the insertion site becomes a little pink.I can almost say with certainty that the feeding tube did NOT cause any type of infection.Feeding tubes are a great way of providing temporary nutrition while people/dogs are recovering from an illness that prevents them from getting adequate amts of nutrition.You did the right thing and gave Scoop every possible chance of recovery.

I know the loss is unbearable and I wish I could take your pain away.We love them so much that when they go,we always beat ourselves up and think that there MUST be something we missed.From the sounds of it VIcki,you did everything for Scoop and made all the right decisions for him.Its good to get your feelings out there and talk about it.We are all here for you.Big hug to you and thinking of you.

Love,
Patty

Sending hugs and prayers Vicki, one day at a time, that's all any of us can do, your a great Momma!

Vicki HUGS!! You did everything humanly possible to give Scoop the best chance of any to live as long as possible. He had a wonderful home provided by you and he loved you.
I think guilt is a part of the grief process and that most people end up feeling guilty for things that were completely out of their control.

Don't blame yourself for trying to help Scoop.
hugs,
Sharlene

Hugs to you today Vicki - please do not second guess all you have done! You exemplify a wonderful mama - if only all pups had someone who has been so attentive to everything as you have been.

Saturday hugs to you!

xoxox,
Kerry (Millie's Mama)

Thank you so much everyone!
Hugs to all of you!!

Hi Vicki

You went to the ends of the earth to find treatment to help your precious! I am so upset for you that it did not work out better for Scoop, but reading all you have posted there is nothing I could see where you let him down at all... quite the opposite. Aspiration pneumonia is always a risk with procedures involving anaesthetic, or tubes it would be hard to know how it happened it could have just been something that occurred naturally as well. There was so much going on for Scoop, I remember you posting his tummy had been giving trouble for ages. I think if you did nothing with the growth of that nasty tumour you would have lost him anyway. You tried Vicki, you threw everything you could at that tumour to try and beat it so you can rest assured you did not cause Scoops passing by the decisions you made. Big hugs for you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thanks to all my wonderful friends.
Your words mean so much to me.
It's been a tough week and I don't see it getting any better any time soon.
Reading all your posts does help.
Thank you again.
Hugs to all.

Yesterday I got a call from someone from the IMS's office. She told me about a lady who comes there every so often and a group meets to talk about their loss. I am hoping to be able to join them tomorrow(Monday). It is right at the hospital where Scoop passed away. I hope it brings me some comfort for I am feeling pretty down and just horrible right now. I miss my Scoop so much and it hurts so bad.
The lady from the doctor's office also told me that the test results they are waiting on have only come back as a partial as of yesterday. She said the blood culture so far hasn't grown anything. The pancreas is suspicious but she said it could all change. I am so confused about what happened to my Scoop. I am afraid I will never know what took my sweet Scoop from me. I am hoping to talk with the IMS and I hope she can at least give me her opinion about what she thinks might have happened. Not knowing makes it even worse for me. I know it doesn't change anything but I feel this need to know what happened to my sweet boy Scoop.

Hi Vicki
So glad you found a meeting-I hope it makes you feel a little better.I looked all over for one in this area and never was able to find one.I do hope you find out what happened to poor Scoop so that it can ease the guilt that you are feeling.I never found out why Fella died.They didn't have an answer for me,just kept telling me all the things he DIDNT have and how he was such a good candidate for the surgery-very frustrating!!!You and your Scoop are in my thoughts quite often.I hope you are able to find the answers you are looking for from the vet.
Love,
Patty

Vicki, that is really good that they have a meeting that you can attend to help deal with the grief. Sometimes humane societies will have one set up, but all too often, people seem to just brush off the death of our furbabies as if it isn't as important or something. That is so not true as all of us here know and understand.
Grief for any reason, can take a huge toll on the body, on the mind, on your spirit over all.
I hope that this and talking to the IMS will help you.

hugs,
Sharlene

I think the support group is a wonderful idea. Sometimes, maybe we have to think that Medicine is not an exact science and sometimes the doctors can hypothesis but without an autopsy, they may not know for sure what causes a loved one demise.

I know that does not make it easier for you, Vicki.:(

Sending much love

I don't remember if it was the emergency doctor on the night Scoop passed or if it was the IMS(I talked to her on the phone that night) said something about an autopsy and they way she put it she thought it might not give an answer. I keep running it through my head that maybe I should have asked more questions about it. That night was so unbearable I wasn't thinking at all except that my Scoop was gone. I wish I knew what happened that caused his death. Maybe I could come to terms with it a bit sooner. I don't know. I keep thinking if this could have been prevented. I just feel the need to know and it is driving me crazy. Just dealing with Scoop not being here is hard enough. I was thinking the blood infection was too bad and that's what caused his passing but if the culture shows in wasn't a factor then what was?

On Monday morning I talked to the IMS on the phone. We had been talking about her doing an abdominal ultrasound sometime soon. So she asked if she should do it that morning. I said OK. When I got there to visit Scoop the IMS talked about the results and said she could repeat the blood culture to make sure nothing else was growing and she said she could aspirate the pancreas and send that out too. So that's what we were waiting to find out the results.

Do many people have autopsies done? At first I didn't even realize they did them on pets. I just have this overwhelming need to know what happen that took my Scoop away from us. This just sucks!

Oh Vicki, I hate it that you are tearing yourself up with these questions. I know it feels really, really important to you to try to figure out exactly what happened. But even if you were somehow able to know, I'm wondering how that would change things for you. Whatever happened was outside of your control, and reflected a catastrophic medical problem for Scoop. So even if you could pinpoint exactly what went wrong, it was neither your fault nor anything that you knew to prevent.

Instead, you truly went to the ends of the earth to try to help Scoop. There were really no stones left unturned as far as treatment options -- you had seen to that. So whether or not you are able to know the exact problem from which Scoop could not recover, it was not for your lack of love or lack of trying.

So truly, before you continue to beat yourself up over finding the cause, I beg you to ask yourself how it will really change things if you somehow can find out. It won't change your love for Scoop, it won't change your lives together, it won't change the lengths to which you went to try to help him, and sadly -- it won't change your heartbreak over missing him. He would want you to take care of yourself, Vicki, and not punish yourself with endless questions for which there may never be answers. Please hold Scoop safely in your heart, and know that HE knows you did everything within your power to heal him. But for whatever reason, this was his time to be released.

Marianne

So very sorry to hear the sad news about Scoop. Please don't blame yourself because you did everything you possibly could and more, and that is all that anyone can ask.

Aww, Vicki, I did not mean you should have an autopsy done. Marianne is very wise in her words to you. How will it change things? Please dont tear yourself up like this. Sweetie, it is not your fault. It just is not and you have to believe that.

Thank you for everything said. At first I was feeling guilty that it might have been my fault but I am not looking at it that way anymore.

Marianne, your words make sense to me and I know what you said is true and I thank you. This is what I hate about myself. I have such a hard time just letting things go and I know this will nag at me for a long time. Probably the rest of my life. That's just the way I am. I can't change it. I wish I could. Just like I couldn't let that tumor go. I just thought it had to be the cause of his eating problems. I just think if I would have the answer maybe I could find a wee little bit of peace sooner than later. Things just don't make sense and it is so frustrating to me.

They say hindsight is 20/20. If I would have known that problems with your different organs, pancreas, liver, etc can cause picky eating I would have had those things checked into sooner. I kept assuming it was caused by the tumor, which it could have been but I could have had other things checked into sooner. It turns out the tumor PROBABLY wasn't causing the eating problem at this time. I probably would have still done the radiation thing but after checking into the other issues months ago. Maybe that would have made a difference. Scoop's vet did mention scoping but she said it will cost this much and that's not including biopsies but never said it might be a good idea to help his eating. Maybe we could have gotten to the bottom of his diarrhea problem. He had that for 4 months, poor baby. She tried different things but nothing worked. Same thing when he had the head tilt. She said I know of something to check for a ruptured eardrum. Well it took weeks till she finally checked it. It just feels like the vet should say this and that and get it done. After the diarrhea started it took a couple weeks to try this one med. Then it would be weeks later till it got talked about again. It seems like things just took too much time unless that's just the way they do things. I guess I should have been pushy about things but I didn't know what was going on. I guess I can take the blame for not insisting on going to the IMS on a regular basis.

This all started because of Cushing's. Things were going along fine with his diabetes but when Cushing's started it was down hill. It was a year ago last July when the ear and eye infections started and that was the start of everything going bad. With everything that Scoop had been through this past year I just feel the need to know what it was that happened.

He was such a good boy about everything. I love him with all my heart and I wish things would have not ended like this. He was so very special.

Vicki:
My heart aches for you. I never wanted to hear that Scoop passed as it brings to the forefront the reality of what will eventually become my Tipper's fate. I know how much you loved and cared for Scoop, you went above and beyond leaving no stone unturned. Please don't feel guilty about not knowing all theses things as we are not Veterinarians, but just doing the best we can with research, and the help of the group. It is sad, but I truly believe that the Dr.'s today do not pay enough attention to the owners information, and don't communicate often enough with the owner. There are so many things going on at once with a Cushings dog that it is hard as a lay person to get a handle on all of it. You can't be expected to know all this. You did right by Scoop, and you did what your heart told you to do, and Scoop would tell you he is grateful if he could talk from heaven. God Bless you for all you have been through, and God Bless sweet Scoop. I wish for your sake things had turned out differently.
Patti

Patti,
Thank you. I makes me feel good to know that others feel like I did my best for Scoop. I did try so hard. I just feel like you said, there is so much going on with cush pups I don't know how a mommy can know what to do about everything. I just wish things didn't end the way they did. The vet's office is so busy with other patients I would be talking to his vet and she would say, I have an appointment waiting or this or that and we would have to stop our conversation. There were many times I felt like I couldn't say everything I wanted to. So frustrating. Well now she doesn't have to put up with me. I don't know if I want to keep going there with Raleigh but I just don't know what to do. Any vet's office could be the same way. If I do keep taking him there I think I will start to see another doctor. There are 4 in that office. It will be hard to go back there seeing how much time Scoop spent there, check-ups, tests, etc. It will make me sad and angry to walk into that place. I had to pick something up for Raleigh the other day. I dashed in and let the girl know I wanted to get out of there right away. The last time I had Scoop there was Thursday before he passed to have his tube looked at because my daughter notice sometime. It needed to be cleaned then they wrapped it. Only took a couple of minutes but because it was something noticed right before they were closing I had to pay an emergency visit. We got there 5 minutes after their closing time. I gladly did what I had to for my Scoop to make sure he was OK but you'd think they could cut you a little break. I'm so upset with losing my Scoop I'm just so frustrated with everything.

Patti, keep up with what you are doing for your Tipper. Hopefully you won't have to go through this pain any time soon. You have done so much for Tipper.

This pain just sucks. I miss my Scoop so much. Tonight it will be a week and it feels like forever since I held him and kissed his sweet face.

Thoughts and prayers going your way. You were a great mom.

KennyJ-Thank you.

Vicki:
I think I would have to change vets. All the bad experiences you had there with Scoop, and how he was treated would make me go else where. The only problem is where? I will tell you when I first moved here I went to all the vets offices and went inside and asked the receptionist if she minded me asking the dog owners a few questions. My first question was always, why do you come to this particular vet? My second was is this practice about caring for your dogs needs above money? You would be surprised what some told me. I also asked what they thought of other vets in the area. Got an earful there. Unfortunately because we live in the country my vet is the best of the lot, and he could care less about Tipper, and I know it. I go to him only because, I know more than him about this disease, and I use him for testing, RX's, emergencies, referrals etc. I just basically tell him what to do, and what Tipper needs and he goes along with it, or checks with Dechra. If he does not call me back I call him until he does, if he tells me something I don't feel is right I don't let him do it, I go research it first. I come back on here and ask everyone their opinion, then do what I think is best. My vet is only interested in money, I know that up front, so I use him to my advantage. If I get stumped I fax a letter to the IMS. and she emails me back with the answers. I would never in my life trust any, and I do mean any Dr. with my Tipper's life. I always hear them out, and go do my own research on here, and online. Then I come to a decision. I have decided that these Dr.'s consider your dog a money maker for their monetary gain, and do not really care, as your dog is a number to them. It sounds harsh, but that is the reality out there now. This is big business, and they want their cut of the pie. I am not saying there are not some good vets left out there that do it for the love of the animal, they are a small minority. I think after dealing with my vet this long he realizes he better not screw anything up where Tipper is concerned, cause I won't tolerate it. I have to give him that attitude or he would just take her for granted also. When I go in his office he knows I mean business, and knows if he gives me an answer I don't think is right, that I will endlessly research until I find the right answer. He knows if he is not sure on something to just come out and tell me that, and not try to guess on things. This has become my only way of assuring myself that I can keep Tipper safe from mistakes. When I told him I noticed a change in the way Tipper's eyes look, he told me it was old age coming on, looked in them and told me nothing was wrong. I didn't believe him and went over his head and scheduled an eye appt. with a specialist I had used for a cat. The specialist confirmed I was right and Tipper has calcium deposits from the Cushings. He said we caught it early and if need be is treatable with drops, so Tipper gets rechecked in August to see if they are worse. The specialist sent a report to my vet. The vet got it and said not one word to me about receiving it to this day, because he knew I would really let him have it, for saying nothing was wrong. I don't want to depress you, but feel others reading this should know these facts also. When I pick a Dr. or specialist for myself, I do it by asking another Dr. who he and his family go to. That way it weeds out the lousy Dr.'s. In todays world you have to look out for your babies unfortunately. It's sad but true. I hope maybe you can take some time and find a good vet, one interested in the well being of Raleigh, as you have had so much heartache already. I continue to pray for you and sweet Scoop. Blessings
Patti