Squirt - my Queen has crossed The Bridge

Dear Leslie,
I read your poem, such a beautiful loving spiritual tribute to your baby. The urn is just lovely. I hope you are healing and finding peace.
Always in my thoughts. Lots of Hugs

Dear Leslie
What a beautiful tribute to your Queen Squirt. Typing this through tears. Thank you for sharing this with us. I wish I could give you a hug, a shoulder to lean on a ear to listen. It is one of the hardest things we go through losing our babies. They are such a part of us.
God gives them to us on lean for too short a time.
You have been there for so many. Now it is time for us to be there for you.
Hugs Sonja and Angel Apollo.
Now Squirt and Apollo can play together.

Hi ya'll,

It’s hard to believe it’s been nearly 7 weeks. For the last year of her life, Squirt slowly faded out of the daily routines, staying in my bedroom area for the most part. So often I forget she’s not asleep in the closet and am brought to my knees when I walk in there and remember. I have moved some things around and every time I told myself to make sure Squirt had plenty of room in the closet – then remember again. Meal times are still tough. I miss her voice soooo much. Making dog food for Trink is gut-wrenching remembering I can no longer cook for Squirt nor Grace. Squirt’s eating spot is as it was; I can’t bring myself to let anyone else eat there. And knowing there is no bowl to place there is so very tough.

Most everything I do falls under the “fake it til you make it” category. I am slowly becoming more active on FB again but there is no joy in that any more. Mostly I do the work required on the groups I admin for….other than the Cushing’s group, where I just can’t linger yet. I force myself to share funny things…but no one knows that after I sign off I crawl in bed to sob, the effort exhausting and useless feeling. I talk to folks via PM using lots of smiley faces and LOLs with tears flowing down my cheeks the whole time, forcing my fingers to type what is expected. I have not been able to reconnect with the plants, tho I did feel clear enough yesterday for the first time to decant some herbs…but I’m still not ready to make meds nor harvest. The week Squirt passed, I planted several different seeds and about half have come up. I connect with Life via those seedlings and the plants I have brought in from the wild that are transplanted to the herb bed or front yard, where I am making a butterfly garden for Squirt. Those that take and do well give me hope; those that don’t take or don’t grow to maturity break my heart all over again and make me feel as if I failed.

My studies are still beyond my ability to focus on so they sit stagnant.

This week I am petsitting 5 babies; 3 from one mom, 2 from another. The 3 will be here til Sun, the 2 til today or tomorrow. So at the moment my house is full to brimming and that certainly keeps me occupied. Yesterday as I was walking down the hall, one of the babies started nipping at my feet as I walked just as Squirt used to do. I looked down giggling, as usual when Squirt did that, only to see a tiny black body, not my beloved yellow one. It was a shock. I sank to the floor in the hall and leaned back on the wall to cry. Eight babies came to kiss and snuggle while the one who was nipping thought that was just part of the game she had started and was bouncing all over the rest of us. We’re having storms this week and I still find myself fixing meds for Squirt along with the others then sob when I see the one left over. So many little things that have such weight.

I have forced myself to participate in a little “business” venture with 3 friends – we are going to have a booth in a local flea market. I used to run the flea market circuit, carrying things from place to place to place to sell and I enjoyed that a great deal. Right now, my heart just isn’t in it but I am making myself do it anyway. I need to have an outlet away from the house, something that puts me in contact with humans more often and takes my mind away from the sadness and emptiness I feel. So I am trying. I can’t afford to keep doing this if I can’t at least make my portion of the booth rental each month but time will tell on that. For now, I have something different to do. We are on the waiting list for space and hope to have one opened in July.

Physically, well it’s obvious the years of self-neglect are catching up with me. The months of antibiotics have done a number on my gut flora, keeping the Northern tissue company in business. But my mouth is alright, thankfully! The shot has completely worn off on my shoulder and it is causing me difficulties with increasing pain and numbness again. I am tired, so very tired, all the time yet I can’t sleep worth a flip most nights. I think every injury and surgical area has reawakened, racking my body with pain at times. I have been having spells of extreme dizziness and nausea, usually at night that comes with horrid clammy sweats and abdominal cramping. GERD has raised its ugly head for the first time in ages. I’ve lost about 8 pounds tho I am eating daily and eating good for the most part.

Trink, Brick, Soph and Fox are doing well. They are all on a diet and have all lost weight, looking much better. They had gotten fat because I would give them all treats and extra bites when Squirt got them.

While I don’t post and rarely sign in, I do read and try to keep up with those pups I know. Ya’ll are never far from mind and always in my prayers. I just can’t be here for now. I hope in time that I will be able to participate on the forum again but that time is not now. It’s just too painful and I am a wuss. Please take care of yourselves as well as you do your babies.

Hugs,
Leslie

Dearest Leslie, Tears streaming down my cheeks as I read your post. I know your pain too well. It takes time, some times, lots of it. But you will heal. I am glad you are pushing yourself to do things outside the house although I know it is so hard but so proud you are doing it. Grief is exhausting and painful and everything reminds us and throws us back into the throws of it. We understand how hard it is for you to post right now, take the time you need, but know you are loved and missed and in my thoughts.

Sending prayers of healing and peace to you.

Leslie:
It makes me cry to read your post and know how your heart is broken. I am hoping with you getting out a bit that that may help ease some of your pain. I hope your new venture works out and you make some money. Blessings
Patti

Leslie! HUGS! Sometimes there are no words, only HUGS.

love
Sharlene

Tons of loving hugs for you, dearest Leslie.

Gosh sounds like you have a house full, typical you... grieving and still taking in others for a few days. How hard it must be for you still, but it does hearten me that you are getting out and having to focus on stuff like your booth. Pleased your mouth is finally sorted, hope you get in to see your Dr to get some of those other issues ticked off too. Lovely to see you post to let us know your hanging in there, you know us... we take whatever we can get, once a day, month or whenever we are always happy to see you. Those fake smiles are eventually going to become real ones :) Sending love and big hugs to you and the gang xxxx

I think we are kindred spirits, dearest Leslie, horses, painting, writing, flea markets, I always smile when I read your writing as they are things we have in common.

Little by little we venture out into the world again, pick up the pieces of our lives. Sometimes we feel joy and other times it is hollow and just going through the motions.

Our other babies needs us so we try very hard for them. I think our other pups keep us going because we have to do things.

I am so sorry your arm is worse; mine is still crooked and I have just accepted the limited range of motion. I am waiting on the steroid shot. for now. I wish your would have lasted longer.

Hugs and much love. I think about you all the time.

Hi Leslie-

I am sorry it is so very hard now. I understand. I think the urn is magnificent and I love the brass paw print. Can you tell me how you were able to get the paw mold? I think that's a marvelous idea and would love to do that for myself.

I hope your participation in the flea markets helps lift your spirits. i know art works wonders for me.

Hugs,
Susan