Squirt - my Queen has crossed The Bridge

Leslie, I am so sorry for your pain. I feel stuck in my own grieving process and have been reading some books about pet loss. One passage in particular spoke to me as I am menaced by the what-ifs, and I copied it down just this morning. I hope there is something here that also soothes you in some small way.

"In the face of all the guilt experienced, I have the following bedrock belief: it's truly the exception that people did not act as best they could for their animals' highest good. They acted on their animals' behalf with the goal of having the best possible outcome and quality of life. Whatever decisions or choices were made, they were based on love and a consideration for the animal." -Betty J Carmack

Leslie:
Just thinking of you, and all your sweet babies, and of course your most precious girl ever, Squirty. Blessings
patti

I'm so very sorry

Hey Leslie,

Stopping in to say hi and give hugs. Sending lots of love too!!!

Thank you all for being here with me. I feel your love and support every minute of the day and night.

Today is one of those days when I am crying constantly and can't seem to stop for any length of time. Yesterday I felt dead myself - no emotion, no reaction, nothing...until I went to bed, then the freight train hit my chest again. It has been a week today and I find myself counting down the hours this morning - in 4 hours it will be a week, in 3 hours...., in 2 hours...now 1 hour. How can that be? How can it be that the sun still rises and sets, that life goes on, that I continue to breath? I don't know what I have done this past week other than wander around, start things that never get completed, and cook. Since Mon. I have been cooking like a mad woman...not eating much but my freezer is getting full. I guess cooking dog food has been such a huge part of my daily life that this is how I am compensating for no longer needing to cook for Squirt nor Grace.

I see her food in the freezer and get sick to my stomach. Even tho she wasn't eating, I thawed out ingredients for this weeks menu anyway. Part of me believed that somehow, someway she would pull out of this one more time. Seeing that bowl in the fridge with the thawed bags in it also made me sick. I tried to share with the babies but just couldn't put the food in their bowls and watch them eat it so I gave it to Mama (the coon) and stood on the porch crying as I watched her chow down. She loved it and it felt like a Sacred act to share Squirt's food with Mama, a continuation of the cycle of Life if you will.

My body and mind are completely exhausted. It occurred to me yesterday this is the first time in 2 1/2 years I haven't had a baby that required 24/7 attention. Since Tasha it has been one after the other...now the four that are here require very little compared to those babies and I am lost as well as tired. I find myself panicking that I have missed a med or not heard something or heard something. Meal times are crushing. Only four plates to fix, not six. One med to give, not many. No one requires frequent daily cleanings of body nor the areas where they hang out. So I roam and cry, take baths and cry, sleep and cry...but haven't screamed any more.

My mind knows that I did the right thing for Squirt even tho it didn't go as well as I prayed it would. Her little body was done and at any moment something much worse, much more painful for her, could have happened than a few hurtful injections. Something that could have caused her to suffer horribly for the half an hour or more it would have taken to get her to the vet. I wanted so badly to let her do this as she wished, on her own terms with no aid, but she couldn't let go. She refused all nourishment after Wed. afternoon when she ate a tiny bit of her food. Her muscle mass just melted off of her. She was so weak she couldn't hold her head up at times and was limp as a wet noodle when I would pick her up. I could feel her belly contracting when I held her, getting hard then soft again. She would feel extremely warm often, her little ears red so I know she had fever burning through her. Every move was obviously painful. But she kept on fighting. And I know she was fighting for me; she was afraid to leave me alone. I couldn't let her starve to death or face some catastrophic physical event, I just couldn't. So I broke another promise and helped her go. And I miss her so. Oh gods I miss her so.

I am holding out my arms to wrap you in a giant hug, Les. Squirt has made her passage, and you are in the midst of your own here on earth. Baby steps, baby steps. Sending you so much love. I am really glad Mama Coon received Squirt's communion meal. I choose to think that Mama's babies will now receive Squirt's strength and courage along with their own meal to come.

Dear Leslie, my heart is breaking for you, I know that intense horrible emotional pain you are feeling, as many of us do, and I want so badly to make it better for you. I want to hug you so tight.
It is amazing how a week has past already, but keep in your thoughts Squirt is not suffering or in any pain anymore because you love her so much to let her go.

When my Cuddles passed over to the bridge I totally fell apart, he was my soulmate, when I got Snuggles who is named after Cuddles it was very clear to me Cuddles was part of Snuggles I can tell by the connection me and Snugs have, by how Snugs acts and does things, Squirt will make her presence known either through one of your other pups or a next one, I truly believe they do not leave us but come back to us in other ways.

Sending you thoughts and prayers of healing and peace.

Leslie:
You are in my thoughts and always in my prayers. Blessings
Patti

OMG! :eek: I'm wrong! It will be a week tomorrow, NOT today. omg.... :(:(:( Today is Thurs., not Fri. :( It was a week ago today that I called and made the appointment.

I thought the timing of her appetite and last food intake to her passing seemed wrong. :(:o She ate like usual Tues., refused treats Tues. nite; wouldn't eat anything Wed. even when put in her mouth until around 3:30 and she ate a little bit of her food; Wed. nite she accepted 2ml of NutriCal; Thurs. morning she took two licks of a fried egg, her favorite; after that anything I put in her mouth other than water or her herb tea at night either fell out or she pushed out....and she wouldn't always swallow them.

Can't believe I mixed up the days. :(

Oh Leslie,
You did the right thing for Squirt. You know that. Sometimes the right thing sucks! In this case, it definitely does! We are left to go on alone and have to learn to cope as the pain and numbness envelopes us. Squirt knows that she is adored above all else and that she has the most loving mom in the whole world. Your babies are very blessed Leslie. They have you! (((((Hugs))))))