Alivia was recently diagnosed with Cushing's - Alivia has passed

Thanks for all the kind words.

Trish, you actually made me smile, remembering Alivia's Avatar picture. A couple years ago, she somehow hurt her leg and was limping off and on. X-rays were normal so the vet suggested physical therapy 3 times per week. It included walking on an underwater treadmill. Ali cooperated and did what she was supposed to do, but she absolutely HATED it. That picture was taken as we went over the bridge on the way to PT. She recognized the route and that sideways glare was her letting me know that she knew where we were going and was not at all happy about it. The therapy worked and she never had any more problems with her leg. ;) Oh how I will miss those expressions and her beautiful, dark, soulful eyes...

MBK:
I told you this picture so reminds me of my Tipper looks just like her on the side profile. Tipper can give those dirty looks too really well. I hope you are doing well, as I know this has to be extremely difficult. Blessings
Patti

Valerie,

I hope I did the right thing for Max. The first night he had nightmares and whimpered in his sleep. He has been following me everywhere. If I go upstairs, he does...no matter where I go, he is right there. That is not at all like him.

Max is grieving right along with you, Mary Beth. I do think you did the right thing in bringing Ali home so he could see her and say his goodbyes. We did that with Ruby and it did seem to help the other babies accept her passing. If Squirt has to leave via the vet, I plan to do the same as you - bring her home so everyone can say goodbye then return her for the cremation.

There are some links in the In Loving Memory section about grieving dogs that may offer some helpful info for you and Max. Know your family here is by your side always, our tears falling with yours.

Hugs,
Leslie and the gang

Thanks, Leslie.

It is so hard to know what is "right" or "best" or anything. Thankfully, I at least knew I planned to take Alivia to Perfect Pastures. Good thing. Because I was on auto-pilot and not thinking rationally. When they said that the cremation might not be for few days, I actually said that I was going to take Ali back home with me until it was time. Fortunately, my daughter convinced me that was not a good idea. It broke my heart to leave her there...still does. I just can't stop the tears.

dear Mary Beth and Angel. Alivia
Words can not comfort you at this time. I am so sorry for the lose of your precious Alivia. May she know run free. Apollo is greeting her with hugs and licks and will be there for her. Alivia will always be in your heart. Our fur balls are such a part of us.
hugs Sonja and Angel Apollo
We are here to get you through this difficult time.

You absolutely did the right thing for everyone, Mary Beth. Even Patricia McConnell, the animal behaviorist, suggests allowing the other dogs in the family be allowed to see and sniff their friend after passing and allow time to be with them. It truly helps the others.

I am so sorry for the pain in your heart now. We all know it is the price we pay for allowing our beloved pups into our lives but I think we are never prepared for just how painful it really is. Alivia has found sweet rest and is no longer in pain, though I know that doesn't help the hurt for you.


Hugs and love, Mary Beth. Thank you for telling us what happened. We loved her too even though we never were lucky enough to meet her in person, it helps gives us closure too.

Gosh, she was a fighter, I still remember her pancreatitis attack. I even mentioned it to Barbara when Trixie was ill recently.

Mary Beth, you always did the right thing by Ali, even at the last.

love

Animals understand death, just as we grieve they do too. Max needs your company as much as you need his, especially right now. His world has drastically changed too.

Mary Beth, bringing Ali's body back home would not have been a good idea. You would only have had to let her go all over again. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
HUGS.

I'm glad I gave you a smile, they are probably hard to come by for you at the moment. But I am sure with a bit of time they will slowly creep back in as the sad memories give way to the happier days when she was bright as a button! She is certainly giving you the "look" in that picture, I love the photos that show the dog's personality and it looks like Alivia has that in spades xxxxx

Mary Beth;
Thinking of you and Alivia. God Bless you both. You had a long journey together.Blessings
Patti

So sorry for your loss. Thoughts and prayers for you and your precious Alivia.

Most people (but not all - more on that later) have been very kind and sensitive to my loss. Alivia was fortunate to have two very caring vets as her primary care providers. As I already said, her regular vet came into his office on his day off just to be with Ali in the end. I e-mailed Ali's specialist to let her know what had happened and I wanted to share her response:

"I am truly sorry to hear that news. I'll be thinking of you and of course I'll never forget sweet Alivia - and, yes she definitely was a fighter! You always made decisions in her best interests and it sounds like you did that in the end as well. My sympathies..."

This vet and her assistant spent 15 minutes sitting on the floor with Ali at her last appointment a few weeks ago. She always said if she could get a JRT exactly like Ali, she would. Anyway, her note was comforting. I am having such a hard time. My heart literally hurts.

Of course your poor heart hurts, how could it not, it has been broken. :(

It is good that the people who knew what she was going through, what she had survived, your vet, your specialist showed compassion and understanding. It's always nice to know that they get it. I think those two certainly do.

Sending love your way and healing strength
hugs,
Sharlene and Molly muffin

Thinking of you and Maxwell today, Mary Beth and hope the pain eases a bit. I think we lose a part of us when our heart dogs leave us. It will hurt for awhile.

Big hugs and lots of love

Today is a bad day. I think of Alivia's big, dark, soulful eyes and how she looked at me with complete and total trust. And, then I think - I had her killed. What if SHE did not want to die??? Did I betray her trust?

I'm no expert but after my experience which somewhat mirrors yours I can say I think you are going through the normal grieving process. Please know there will be better days ahead. You are in the beginning and I know you can't imagine this ever getting better but it will. I know I had to go over and over the circumstances that caused me to make the same decision about Cooper. I still second guess myself but ultimately I know I did the right thing for him. I have relived that day over and over and there were so many tears. I still tear up from time to time but it's really gotten better. You did what you felt was right for Alivia and I'm sure she knows that. Time heals but I know it doesn't seem like it right now. I'm so very sorry for your grief, my heart goes out to you.

Awww Mary Beth, your vet of how many years agreed with your decision. Part of what makes all of this so hard is we think did we do it too soon or not soon enough? You always did the right thing for Ali and belive with all you heart you did the right thing now.

I am so sorry you are having a bad day and I wish I could tell you there wont be any more but grieving is a process that is on its own time.

But please know we are here for you and I am sending SUPER BIG hugs, sweetie.

Try to lock up the guilt in a drawer. Open a drawer and say very loudly, GUILT GET IN THE DANG DRAWER NOW, then slam it closed.

Leave it there just for tonight. You can always let it out tomorrow if you want.

Sending you love and hugs Mary Beth.
Sharlene and Molly Muffin

Thanks everyone. I have a picture of Alivia about two weeks ago and she had no tear stains. On the day she died she had tear stains. It was as if she was crying and it breaks my heart. I know she was in pain and I know there was nothing more I could do for her. She had 2 of the best, most caring vets anyone could ask for. They both were really attached to Ali and took a personal interest in her and both agreed it was the right thing for her. But, that is the logical side. Unfortunately, my heart isn't always so logical. I keep thinking what right do I have to decide to end a life? I just hope Ali knows that my decision was based on my love for her.

Maxwell is having a hard time, too. He is eating normally, but he is sleeping ALL the time. I took him to the pet store last night and he picked out a new toy and some treats (he taste tested them from the bin first!) and for a little while he was his usual happy go lucky self. But, now he is back to sleeping constantly. I am trying to give him lots of extra attention and he is being very snuggly. I know he is grieving, too, but if he doesn't improve in a few days I'm going to take him to the vet just to make sure there is nothing else going on. He has always been so healthy and acts MUCH younger than he is, so it is hard to believe he will be 14 years old in August!

Mary Beth,

from the information that you've shared with us, I also believe that you made the best decision with Alivia's interest first. I've been where you are now and it SUCKS beyond belief. What I do know is that when it came time to make that decision, there were no alternate treatments or anything to ease the pain. It was time.

Does Max get along well with other dogs? It might help to bring him to dog parks or to visit friends who also have dogs so that he gets some non-human play time.
What about an adult dog training class? Something to keep you both busy.

Oh Mary Beth, my heart goes out to you, too. I am a frequent victim of the "What if's," myself, and know how much pain the self-doubts can bring. However, I'm hoping that with time, you may come to believe that *not* releasing Ali from her pain would have been just as much an intervention as peacefully sending her off. In nature, a sick and compromised animal would not survive and their death might be a cruel one. It is our tender care that allows the sick and the aged to continue on, far beyond the time they would have survived on their own in the wild. So that is actually an intervention too, in it's own right. For that reason, I do believe we owe it to our furbabies to weigh the good days and bad days, the pain and the comfort. When the scales have tipped too far, we have been granted the grace to trade one intervention for another. I do not believe you killed Alivia. My heart ached when I saw you had written that. I believe you stopped unnaturally prolonging her life that was no longer a pleasure or a comfort to her. Mother Nature held you both in her arms that day, because that is nature's way -- to usher out one soul so that the earth can support another who still has their life ahead.

During every moment of Ali's life, you held her in loving care. Including the moment of passage when her spirit was released. You granted her peace in that moment, and I hope you will soon be able to feel peace in your own heart, too.

Marianne

I sympathize with the should I, should I not have's that we all go through after making a decision like this. I don't think I got out of bed for days after my beloved golden retriever Tasha had to be let go. I'd had her since she was 6 weeks old, and it just isn't a bond that can let go of easily. Especially when you spend all those years from the time they enter your life till they live, caring for them, worrying over them, trying to give them the best life possible and then to have to make the decision to not do that any more. Well it seems to go so opposite of everything you have spent a life time doing for/with them.

Logic only gets you so far when the heart is involved. I'm convinced the heart isn't logic at all. It's pure, raw emotion, both good a bad, a blessing and a curse.

Sending lost of love your way. I agree Maxwell is grieving and Valeries idea of a dog park or some sort of regular interaction with other dogs might cheer him up a bit. It's hard on them too. :(

hugs,
Sharlene and Molly muffin

Quote:

---

I keep thinking what right do I have to decide to end a life? I just hope Ali knows that my decision was based on my love for her.

---

Aw, sweetie, you did not end her life; the ravages of time and ill health were in control of that, not you. It's not that we are granted the "right" to decide when it is time for them to end their suffering, it is a responsibility we bear, born out of our deep love for them.

Alivia relied on you for every aspect of her life - to that final breath, she relied on and trusted you completely. Because she knows, not knew, but knows you always did the right thing for her at the right time, including this most painful step. She knows what it cost you to find that awareness in her time of deepest need, she knows the toll it continues to take on you, she knows you took this indescribable pain into yourself so that her pain could be ended. She knows you made the ultimate sacrifice for her.

You did not end a life - you gave her a life free of pain, fear, and struggles. You gave her freedom from a failing vessel that could no longer sustain her. You gave her the greatest gift possible at the highest cost to your own Soul. She knows and she loves you all the more for this.

Hugs,
Leslie and the gang

Thank you ALL for the reassuring words. I would have done anything for Alivia. They say you will know when it is "time", and I did. Alivia was in tremendous pain her last two days and her quality of life was pretty much non-existent. She had stopped eating and had to be heavily medicated just to keep her pain level bearable. It was evident her bodily functions were shutting down. You could smell the toxins backing up in her body on her breath. I told her vet that I had hoped I would not have to make this decision and that she would have gone quietly in her sleep. He said, "Unfortunately, with kidney failure that rarely happens and it can be a long, slow, agonizing process." So, in my mind, I know the decision was right but in my heart I am having such a hard time processing it.

Marianne, your explanation makes a lot of sense and I appreciate your words more than I can say. Leslie, you explained it well – it does feel like I’ve taken an indescribable pain in. Sharlene and Valerie – thank you. And, Addy, you have always been a comfort.

It has been a week already. I keep playing the whole thing over and over in my mind. Even when I try to not think about it, something will remind me and the tears just come.

Dog parks right now are out of the question. It is winter in Pittsburgh and it has been a bad one. I am trying to spend extra time with Max and take him for car rides, which he loves. Overall this has been a really crappy winter…I had knee surgery in December. The surgery didn’t work and now I have to have my knee replaced as soon as I schedule it. Then even though I got a flu shot, I got the real flu anyway. They did a chest x-ray to check for pneumonia and, instead, they found a nodule in my lung. So, the afternoon that Ali died I had to have a CT scan. They think the lung thing is from the infection but can’t rule anything out, yet, and will repeat the CT scan in 3 months. They say when it rains, it pours. But, losing Ali has been by far the worst of it all.

Oh my Mary Beth, I am so sorry that all these issues are hitting you at once. You are in my thoughts and prayers, and we will just think positive thoughts regarding the thing found in your lung.

Sending huge and loving hugs, Lori

Goodness, this is a lot to have to go through all at once. That flu this year was awful, my husband ended up with pneumonia from it, and it did a real job on his lungs. So, likely it is nothing more than from the infection, but always good to have things followed up on. Hope it's nothing.
Nothing will make things easier, other than a lot of time, even knowing it was the right thing to do, never made it the easy thing to do.

hugs and love
Sharlene and molly muffin

Oh my Mary Beth!
You certainly have a lot going on! Get through all of this by doing whatever is right for you and Max. He needs you too. xo

I miss Alivia with all of my being, but I am beginning to see things a bit more clearly (at least today). I am relieved that she is no longer in pain; that I no longer have to force medication into her, to keep her comfortable and get her through another day.

I am also seeing that Maxwell was often overshadowed by the extra care that Ali needed. In the last few months, her arthritis was too bad to take her anywhere where she would have to walk, so Maxwell became confined because of Ali's needs. Maxwell (who has his Canine Good Citizen certificate!) also underwent a personality change years ago and became very leery of strangers, especially men. He never bit anyone, but would have to be watched very closely with anyone he didn't know. I always attributed this change to moving into a new house, but it was also around the time Ali first became sick with IMHA. Now I am wondering if he knew Ali was not healthy and felt he needed to be protective of her? I took him to a pet store last night and he was making friends left and right - allowing strangers to pet him! I even turned around while I was checking out and a MALE employee was down on his knees loving on Max! Max was actually enjoying the attention!! It's been a LONG time since I have seen the happy go lucky personality that he has at home when out and about with strangers. I know he misses Alivia, but maybe now he can be "off duty" and relax.

Leslie, I read the beautiful post your wrote on Addy's string. And, that is exactly what this site does. Thank you ALL.

Oh precious Maxwell.

It does sound like he suddenly felt the need to be protective, probably of you and Ali. You are his girls after all and he is the guy who takes care. Now he doesn't need to and can relax and be himself again.

I feel quite bad for him, as that is a lot of pressure on a little guy. They do feel so responsible though. Maybe he knew more, sensed more than any of knew about Ali's health.

I am sure that Maxwell is really enjoy the trips to the store and making friends with people all over again. He is regaining his social life I guess.

Ali is pain free and maybe Maxwell is better now too. Your turn :) :)

Sending you love and hugs and I hope today is a good day for you and Max.
Sharlene and Molly Muffin

Mary Beth, my heart breaks with yours and now to read of your illnesses is concerning to me.

Koko too has long been over shadowed by Zoe's illnesses and has been so confined to the bedroom these last weeks. I have been worried about the toll it was taking on him.

I hope Maxwell will continue to bloom as his job of protector can ease up a bit. It is good to hear that he is becoming a happy boy again.

I think they know. I wrote to myself a few weeks ago in a diary that I thought Koko knew Zoe was going to die. They know these things we dont want to see, I think.

Koko and I actually got to take a small walk today as the road was clear in front of our house and although it was cold the sun was out.

The four of us, you and Maxwell and me and Koko will heal together as Spring draws near dear friend.

loving hugs

Mary Beth,
I just want you to know how sorry I am to read about Alivia, and that I meant to post to you sooner. My heart aches now for both you and Addy. I just posted on her thread about when I lost my Angel Dakota a few years ago, and it was Jasper (my cushpup) and I who were left behind. He struggled so with her loss, and I really had to make sure that he was doing ok. I began to see subtle improvements in him as he adjusted and had more of my time and attention, but he really had a hard time of it. The vet ended up putting him on a low dose of antidepressant medication for a couple of months. I was not thrilled with that, but had to try something, and it really did help him get over the hump.

It sounds like your Maxwell is adjusting and coming out of his shell and enjoying himself more. It is so good to see that happening, and I hope he continues to get back to his happy go lucky self.

I'm sorry to read about your knee issue and illness. That is a lot to deal with along with your loss. I am hoping that the lung issue is nothing more than residual infection from the flu. I am sending positive thoughts.

I am thinking about you, Maxwell and Alivia today, and sending love and support.

Big hugs,
Tina and Jasper

Thank you, Tina. I appreciate the kind words and your concern for us. I am trying to remain positive and think that the lung issue is a side effect of the nasty flu. I have to get my blood re-checked this week because it also effected that!

Addy, you and I will miss our heart dogs forever. We did the best we could for them and would gladly do it all over again if we had to. I am certain Maxwell and Koko knew Zoe and Alivia were sick and patiently waited in the background for their turn. Their turn has come to be the main focus of attention - they deserve it. I think you are absolutely right, the 4 of us will heal together, while our two little angel dogs watch over. <3

Sending hugs right back at you, dear friend.

Mary Beth,

I never knew this until my father's lung specialist mentioned it, but even a bought with pneumonia can leave scars on your lungs. I'm hoping that this is the case with you and nothing more serious. If it is, please make sure that all of your doctors have the new xrays and test results so that you don't have a unnecessary scare later on. In a way, it's like you have a new normal that they need to be made aware of.

With the recent sadness on this forum lately, it's been hard to come here but the information that I've learned I swear has saved Daisy's life and I feel that I must repay this here and stand by through thick and thin.

Sending virtual hugs to you. I'm so glad that Max is perking up. Losing a member of your family is an adjustment for everyone, regardless of the number of legs that they have :)

Gosh Mary Beth, 2014 can only get better for you!! You poor thing, I am going to have bundle both you and Addy up and cart you both off for a bit of rest and relaxation at a spa in Bali or somewhere exotic for some serious pampering! If I had won Lotto on the weekend that would have been at the top of the list.

I hope your upcoming tests show everything is just the lasting effects of that nasty flu on your body and once you get your knee replaced you will be striding about with Maxwell on lovely walks by the summer. Sending you lots of hugs as you deal with all this xx

Today would have been Alivia's 16th birthday. I had hoped that we would get one more celebration together, but that was not to be. Instead, I picked her ashes up from the funeral home today. They also made beautiful paw imprints for me and gave me locks of her fur. My sweet little girl.

Happy Birthday, Alivia!
I hope you are pain-free at last and running around with your sister, Patches. Maybe you've even met Zoe by now. You took a piece of my heart with you and I'll love you forever sweet girl.

Happy Birthday Alivia

May your spirit run free

love
sharlene and molly muffin

Happy Birthday, dear Alivia!

Oh Alivia

I just know Zoe is throwing a huge party for you.

HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Awww Happy Birthday Alivia!!! May you be springing about at the rainbow bridge enjoying your special day and I hope your with Zoe and you're both pigging out on all the tasty treats you love! Hugs Mary Beth xx

I'm sure that as newbies on the block, Alivia and Zoe are the belles of the ball on the bridge fighting off the boys.

Happy Barkday Alivia!

Max, take care of mommy for us please.

Mary Beth, paw prints _ how sweet.