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I know, Annie...you would think they could live as long. When I think of how many I've lost in my 60 years, it's mind boggling. But I can't imagine not having had them or loving them either. My sister gave me a plaque for Christmas that I will have to post later.Quote:
Originally Posted by Whiskey's Mom
I hope you and the girls are doing okay!
Another one from Leslie, Lee...
I'm Still Here
Friend, please don't mourn for me
I'm still here, though you don't see.
I'm right by your side each night and day
and within your heart I long to stay.
My body is gone but I'm always near.
I'm everything you feel, see or hear.
My spirit is free, but I'll never depart
as long as you keep me alive in your heart.
I'll never wander out of your sight-
I'm the brightest star on a summer night.
I'll never be beyond your reach-
I'm the warm moist sand when you're at the beach.
I'm the colorful leaves when fall comes around
and the pure white snow that blankets the ground.
I'm the beautiful flowers of which you're so fond,
The clear cool water in a quiet pond.
I'm the first bright blossom you'll see in the spring,
The first warm raindrop that April will bring.
I'm the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine,
and you'll see that the face in the moon is mine.
When you start thinking there's no one to love you,
you can talk to me through the Lord above you.
I'll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees,
and you'll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze.
I'm the hot salty tears that flow when you weep
and the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep.
I'm the smile you see on a baby's face.
Just look for me, friend, I'm everyplace!
Author Unknown
I missed you at the boys birthday party yesterday, Lena...you loved the parties so much. Josh had about 9 friends and Alex had 2...you would have loved seeing them all having fun in the pool, the slip and slide and water balloon fights. It was more of a kid party this year. Sibbie stayed home, there were too many kids who wouldn't remember to keep the door closed and she could've gotten out. You would have stayed right with me.
Josh is 9 now, Lee, and Alex is 5. I make sure that we talk about you and look at pictures so they never forget. Josh likes to go through my phone and look at the pictures. Whenever he says "Come here, Grandma, you're going to want to see this." I know he's found one of you...and then we reminisce for a few minutes (well he does, but I continue!)
Missing you always, my sweet angel...not a day goes by that I don't have a million memories floating around in my head trying to get through.
I love you, Lena...now and forever, my sweet angel child.
Mommy
Those poems just hit you right square in the heart. :(
They sure do, Sharlene....
I love those poems too, I have been sent a bunch by friends too and they really do tug at your heart. It's like they were all written for us personally so it means others share our sorrow and loss too.
It's so sweet how your grandson likes to remember Lee with you. What a sweet little boy!
Thinking of you always, hope your other pups are well.
Annie
Hello, my precious~ It was a year and a half this past Saturday. I tried not to be sad, but that was impossible. I miss you so much all the time.
Daddy bought Lychee nuts a few weeks ago and all I could think about was how much you loved them. While they were in season, Daddy always called you Leechee. As soon as he was ready to eat them he would call you and you would come running. After you couldn't hear anymore, you could smell them when he started eating them and you would be right at his feet. You were his little exotic fruit buddy and he loved having you to share with since I can't stand them.
I still see you in my mind strolling through the garden and sitting on the deck steps looking out over the garden, the fur on your ears moving in the wind. I still see you lying on all your favorite beds and the way your ears would go down when you looked at me. I tried dancing with Sibbie the other day, but she didn't like it. You would fall asleep in my arms while I danced around to all our favorite songs. I miss those days.
I miss all of it, Lee. I love you now and forever, my precious, little angel child. Mommy loves you...
I love your memories, Joan. Each time, I see more and more of your sweet little girl in my imagination.
Hugs...
Thanks, Shana...they keep us going, don't they? I miss all of the dogs, and all of their stories, that have left us on this forum. I feel like I knew them all.
My 15 year old chihuahua was just diagnosed today. I was told the same thing, she has an inoperative tumor. We haven't started any meds yet and I'm scared of them from what I've read about them. The only real symptoms she has right now is excessive drinking and the urinating. She did pant a lot on Sunday because I just got back from vacation and she was with my
Mom and I think it's stressed her. She sleeps with me and is with me always. I can't imagine losing her. I know it will happen some day but I want to do any and everything I possibly can.
Of course you do...they are our children, and we would do anything for them. Lee died exactly one month shy of her 15th birthday.
We also have a 14 year old Chihuahua. I'm dreading the day that she goes to be with Lena.
Our one year anniversary is coming up. I was rereading some of the poems you have on Lena's thread. Just heart ripping.
That first one is so hard, Sharlene. It seems like everything leads up to it and then it's there. The good thing is that it is usually the end of the "firsts".
Those poems are mostly from Leslie. They are heartbreaking, but beautiful at the same time. Whenever she posts them on someone's thread, I copy and paste to mine...this way I know where they are.
I still miss Lee every day. I can't believe I have any tears left, but I do. I was looking at pictures of her last night and I can't believe how bad she looked in 2015 before we knew what was wrong. It didn't register with me then. I only saw my beautiful girl.
But I think that is probably what was bothering me without realizing it. She was declining and my heart and mind wouldn't accept it, even though I was seeing it happen.
Joan, I well understand how you feel. It has been almost a year and 10 months since my baby had to leave me. I don't know where the tears come from , but they are always there. Some days a few, others fall as a flooding rain. I also look at pictures of my baby' s last year. Like you, I can now see how she declined and how sad she looked. But again like you, I did not see it at that time. My heart and mind would not let me either. To me, she was still the most beautiful baby in the world. The sweetest. And in her little body the little golden heart beat the same. The beat of love. Hugs to you Joan.
Hugs to you too, Dawn. Isn't it funny that we only see what we want to see.
We hit the year and a half mark on August 19, another hard day.
That sad look, that's what I saw in her eyes, but then she would look away. It was like she knew and didn't want me to see, or she saw the same thing in mine. I know that I will never stop missing her, she was so much a part of me.
Sibbie is a great distraction, and I do love her, Doree and my boys, but none of them can fill the hole that Lena's leaving left me with. I just have to keep living with it.
My grandson, Josh, doesn't understand how I can love Sibbie and still miss Lena so much. He's only 9 and I have tried explaining, but he's too young to understand. Their plan was to get Sibbie, I would fall in love with her and I would stop being sad. He doesn't understand why it didn't work. Then he questions my love for the others, and the ones who died before and after Lee. I get a headache defending myself! LOL!
Merry Christmas, my precious angel. Our second Christmas apart. This year it was easier for everyone to talk about you, they thought I would be okay, and I was in front of them, but there were a few times where I just cried and cried...in the shower; in the morning before anyone got up; putting your ornaments on the tree; in bed at night. It still feels wrong.
I miss you every day, Lee. I always will. I don't miss you any less, I'm just getting used to missing you.
Sibbie had such a good time this year. She was so excited by everything. Then she was so wiped out that she fell sound asleep in Jeremy's lap and didn't move. This morning she tore into her stocking trying to get her toys out. Doree got a new sweater and some treats, Cooper got a new toy and treats, and Gable got a toy and a huge doggie cookie that he finished in about a minute. They had a good Christmas. I hope you were watching. Sibbie had fun helping Jeremy open his presents, shredding the wrappings (like you used to) and completely wearing herself out again. She's sound asleep in the big chair right now. She didn't watch the lights on the tree with me like we used to do after everyone left last night. And you weren't here to watch me wrap for the next day and I decided I really didn't feel like it. So I just talked to you and watched the tree by myself until I fell asleep.
I'm glad it's over...I'm so tired. I only started the shortbreads last week and none of them stayed in the kitchen with me, another change. You kept guard for 14 years and now it's just one more thing to miss.
I love you, Lena...my sweet precious angel child. Now and forever. Mommy will always love you.
Dearest Joan, tons of hugs being sent your way.
Thank you, Lori, same hugs back at you!
Aww Joan , I understand how you felt. Christmas is no longer the same without our babies. But we have so many beautiful memories of the Christmas past. I like reading about your precious Lena . Sending hugs and best wishes for the New Year .
I missed Christmas Joan, but sending you big hugs. I didn't even take out the decorations or put up a tree this year. Probably good thing as I would have been a wreck again because molly wasn't there laying in her spot under the tree. It's never the same is it. We just have to make new traditions and honor the cherished memories of past years.
Same to you, Dawn!
Honestly,Sharlene, I almost didn't do the tree. And I didn't decorate the inside of the house until the day before Xmas Eve. But we had everyone coming here and I always feel like there may not be a next year, so I killed myself and did it. I'm glad now that I did do the tree because I look at it and see her picture and her ornaments on it. I know she wanted me to do it because she loved Christmas so much.Quote:
Originally Posted by molly muffin
Happy New Year, Sharlene~
My precious Lena...today is your second anniversary in Heaven. I miss you all the time, Lee. I talk to you in my mind all the time. I tell Sibbie all about you and when I talk to Gabe and say your name, I swear he remembers. I close my eyes and I see you at the front door waiting for me; by the bathroom door while I get ready for work; sleeping next to me; sitting in my lap watching the garden; or sitting on the front step watching the world go by. I miss the way you always watched me and knew when I needed you.
I need you to watch over Josh, Lee. Keep him safe just like when he was little and you and Andee used to lay near him and protect him. You could always make him happy and he needs you now. He still talks about you and isn't afraid that I will start to cry anymore.
You are our girl, our guardian angel, our precious baby, and not a day goes by that you are not thought of. I know you hear me. I know you know how much I miss you. I know you know how much I love you, always...now and forever, my angel child. Mommy loves you, Lee.
Sending huge and loving hugs.
Thank you, Lori~
Oh me too, Joan. I remain forever sorry for your loss of your precious little girl. An angel, indeed — that is your sweetest little Lena. Always.
I hope Josh is not having a serious setback right now. Just like Lori says, tons of healing hugs are coming to you and your family from your K9C family here. Don’t ever forget we are always here for you whenever you may need us.
Josh has been on double steroids since August while they try to wean him off of the liquid one he's been on since he was a toddler. The two together have ironically pushed him into a Cushing's state. He's gained like 30 pounds, has the moon face, the cushing's bump on his back and the huge potbelly. He has high blood pressure and his bones have weakened to the point where just a few weeks ago he had terrible back pain. An MRI showed two stress fractures in his spine and he's now in a back brace and needs a walker to get around. He's out of school for six weeks, hopefully the fractures will heal and the bones will strengthen now that he's completely off of the liquid steroid.
We are beside ourselves with worry, Marianne. He is so bloated that he doesn't even look like our Josh anymore. He was always moving, dancing, climbing...and now he can barely walk.
AND my company is in the process of closing down the office here and expects me to commute to NYC for my job. I can't be that far away and stuck in Penn Station waiting for a train if I have to get home in a hurry.
I am thinking it's time to send my resume out. I need to be close to home, and not at the LIRR's mercy!
Oh gosh, Joan, I’m so sorry for Josh and for all of you who love him so dearly. Indeed, it sounds as though there is plenty to be worried about :-((((((((. I cannot even imagine how hard it must be right now to arise each morning and wonder what’s in store for the day ahead. And all without the comfort of Lena in your arms, calming your heart.
But in some way, it sounds as though it is helping Josh to be able to talk freely about Lena. So her comfort must still remain very much alive to him, and that is such a gift that continues to flow from your angel, your precious heart dog.
Please do keep us updated, OK? I will be thinking of you and Josh especially today, and of course of little Angel Lee.
Oh Joan, I am so sorry to hear Josh has become so ill with this disease we all know so well in our dogs. I pray that Josh, like our babies with Iatrogenic Cushing's, will start to improve very soon with the steroids out of his system and that one day not far away he can once again move, dance, and climb to his heart's content. And I pray some other treatment can be found that will help him if needed in the future. Anniversaries are hard enough to bear without watching a child suffer.
Huge hugs, sweet lady....and wishes for luck in finding the perfect job if indeed you must.
Thank you, Leslie and Marianne. If only we could stop the steroids completely, but that is the only thing that keeps his colitis at bay. If this doesn't work, it will be time for the bone marrow transplant, which is so risky. I think this is the first time it has hit Josh and my daughter how hard CGD can be. He has been lucky this whole time with just having the colitis, even though it really wasn't. No nutrients getting into his system, pooping 10 - 12 times a day. But this is much worse and he seems so sad, confused and afraid.
We haven't had a chance to really talk yet, since his mother wants him home with her, but I think he will open up to me when he gets the chance. He knows he can tell me how he feels and what he's thinking...things he can't discuss with his mother. He's already told me he wants to be cremated. He hopes we won't forget him and that I will mourn for him as I have for Lena. He's only 9 and shouldn't have to worry about those things.
Oh my goodness, no he should not. Nor should his parents and grandparents...
What a burden for a little boy to carry around. Life can be so horribly unfair. What a blessing for him that he can open up to you, Joan, but I suspect some of the things he talks over with you can be pretty darn hard to hear. My heart goes out to you both.
For what it’s worth, a dear friend of mine has been treated for multiple myeloma with a stem cell transplant (I think the only difference is that the cells came from the bloodstream rather than bone marrow?) and she just now passed her fifth year anniversary in complete remission. Prior to that, she had spinal tumors that were producing almost unbearable pain, as well as many other problems. Since her transplant, she has done remarkably well. I know that Josh’s disorder is different and undoubtedly carries its own set of risks. For instance, Josh may need to receive cells from a donor rather than using his own, as my friend was able to do. But I just wanted to offer out a hopeful example. Every day has the potential to bring yet another breakthrough, and to keep hope alive. That’s what my friend tells me when I start to wallow in my own worry over “things.” So today, I wish to pass her hope on to you and Josh. Precious little boy!
Thanks, Marianne...we've been holding out for the stem cell transplant, but can't use his. He has a non-related match, but making the decision has been the difficult part. As long as he was fine, we didn't want to make him sick, but it's riskier when they are sick...and now he's sick. Hopefully, after his bones start to build back up, his fractures heal, his high blood pressure goes back to normal, and he loses all this weight, he will be okay with just the one steroid.
All we can do is hope...
Oh my gosh Joan! First let me say I want to send you big hugs on this the anniversary of your precious Lena's passing. Such a special little girl and the light in your soul.
Josh. :( Oh I just bawled. It is just heart breaking to think of him going through everything he has. I can't imagine how hard it is to see the changes those dang steroids have caused. Hoping that he'll regain his strength once off this liquid steroid. No kid Should ever have to think about whether they want to be cremated or buried and worry that they will be forgotten.
Now throw the job situation into the mix and dang it, that's just too much. Any work from home option instead of the commute to the city?
Thanks, Sharlene. I'm non-exempt so not allowed to work remotely. Why they can't make me exempt, I don't know. I'm not even sure I want to work with them anymore. I love being an ETS employee, but the ISA Division is not the one I began with. Unless they offer me something great, I am going to start looking for something else.
We so hoped the new steroid would be better than the liquid, but now I'm afraid we made a mistake. He was so sick though last year, just wasting away, and we grabbed this chance. Maybe we just have to wait it out.
I wish Lee was here. She was always such a comfort to me. Sibbie is fun, but doesn't get me yet :). Gabe tries, but it upsets him too much when I am not myself, and Cooper is just oblivious!
I think one thing at a time I could handle better, but all of this is making me nuts.
Oh Joan, I just can not imagine how worried you all must be about Josh and I am so sorry that this is happening to your most precious grandson. Continued hope and prayers being sent your way.
Hugs, Lori
Thanks, Lori~
Joan, I apologize for not sending you a message on Lee's anniversary. You were on my mind and have been since. Sending you so many hugs and loving thoughts.
I am SO sorry to hear about Josh. The poor kid! I knew he was wise beyond his years from other posts you've shared, but my goodness that boy is incredible. I'm glad he's able to share his thoughts with you, as tough as they must be for both of you. I pray you feel our love surrounding you, and can glean as much strength as you need to be there for him.
You certainly don't need additional crap from work on top of it! I hope you can find an answer to that dilemma as well.
More hugs your way...
Shana
Oh, Shana...you're so sweet.
I've got my resume out there, so we'll see. At least I've taken that step. I expect I will not be let go, I'm too close to 62 and I think they will just make me go into the city until I give in and quit. I wish they would lay me off so I could get unemployment and breath for a while.
Josh is beginning to lose weight, my daughter noticed that she had to adjust the brace, so maybe the turn-around is starting to happen. If everything goes the way the doctors expect it to, his bones will begin to strengthen, he won't be hungry all the time, and all the puffiness will go away. Fingers crossed!
Two years without Lena...such a long time, and so much has changed. She would be 17 on March 19. I can't imagine her that old. She was so tiny that she always seemed like a puppy. When I look at her pictures now, I can't believe how short her little legs were. Sibbie has horsey legs, Lee's were half her size...no wonder she wanted to be carried all the time.
Hugs to you too, Shana~
That is so good that Josh is showing some improvement. I hope to hear that each day is a little bit better.
I know what you mean about Lena, and not being able to imagine her old. I feel the same about Molly.
Hello my little angel child. Yesterday you would have been 17...how I wish you were here for your birthday. I couldn't write yesterday because I am sharing the new office with Savitre, and even though she used to hear me crying in my old office, I didn't want to be crying in front of her and all the other girls. I knew I couldn't get through this without crying. I miss you so much, Lee. Your birthday picture popped up on Facebook yesterday and I just stared at you, the baby I love more than any other.
Me and Dad were looking at the Williamsburg pictures again. We had such a good trip and you were so good, always so good. Pictures of you running to greet your babysitter, running in the field in back of the Robert Carter House, in the carriage with me and dad, sitting at the table having breakfast with your own setup, so many pictures, so many happy memories. Those are what I try to hang on to, the ones that make me smile. I know you had an excellent life, we spoiled you rotten, but you just accepted, never demanded. You were the best little girl, Lena...and we loved you always. I love will love you forever, Lee.
Mommy loves you now and forever, my precious, little Lena.
Happy Birthday, Lena!
and big ole hugs for mom!