Lena, Teacup Poodle w/ adrenal tumor - Lena is now an angel

Happy Birthday, my precious Lena...you would have been 16 years old today. I can't believe this is your second birthday being gone. We just dropped the boys off and I finally have a chance to talk to you.

I dreamt about you last night...something about you being in a carrier and me carrying you around with me. I tried to remember it, but it faded away before I could get a grasp...I just know you were with me. You were in the forefront of my thoughts all day even though I was busy with the boys.

I had lunch with Cathy and Marie yesterday and tried to have a conversation about you, but of course I wound up crying and couldn't really express myself through my sobbing. It made my mother sad, even though she doesn't remember you anymore. We looked at your baby pictures and reminisced.

I still miss you terribly, Lee. Sometimes when Sibbie is sitting on me, I close my eyes and will her to be white, but when I open them, she's still red. I don't want her to stay white, I just want to see you for a second or so.

I miss you, my darling baby...every second of every day. Be nice to Phoenix, let Temujin, Ahmoon, Marcel and Mister Bear cuddle up with you, and stay close to Andee. Kiss them all for me, too. You are all on my mind and in my heart.

Mommy loves you now and forever, Lena, my sweet, little angel child; my heart...

Happy Birthday, dear Lena!

Happy birthday, Lena!!

Happy Birthday, sweet Lena!

Sweetie Lena, thinking of both you and your mom on this most important day.

Super big hugs heading to you, Joan ~
Marianne

Happy 16th Birthday little Lena . Joan, I also have had dreams of my sweet baby. I like to think they come to us in dreams. To let us know they are still with us.

Another beauty from Leslie, Lena...

Rainbow Bridge: Sequel To The Original

Oh, when we get to Heaven
We hope that we will find
The souls that once we loved
Who left us all behind.

Some left us at the right time
They left this world in peace
Others left too sudden
Without the chance to say Goodbye,
They were gone before we had
The chance to even cry.

There's a special place for grownups
A special place for kids
Me? I'll be on the other side
The side called Rainbow Bridge.

Across the dark green meadow
A'top the hills I'll run
Where the colors from the rainbow
Glitter from the sun.

And there I'll find my sweetheart
Running fast toward me
In my arms where she belongs
for all eternity.

Jean McColgan

Oh I missed Lena's birthday!!! Happy Birthday Lena!!

Another from Leslie, Lee....

Your Pet In Heaven
by Ken D. Conover

To have loved and then said farewell, is better than to have never loved at all.
For all of the times that you have stooped and touched my head, fed me my favorite treat and returned the love that I so unconditionally gave to you. For the care that you gave to me so unselfishly. For all of these things I am grateful and thankful.

I ask that you not grieve for the loss, but rejoice in the fact that we lived, loved and touched each others lives. My life was fuller because you were there, not as a master/owner, but as my FRIEND.

Today I am as I was in my youth. The grass is always green, butterflies flit among the flowers and the Sun shines gently down upon all of God's creatures. I can run, jump, play and do all of the things that I did in my youth. There is no sickness, no aching joints and no regrets and no aging.

We await the arrival of our lifelong companions and know that togetherness is forever. You live in our hearts as we do in yours. Companions such as you are so rare and unique.

Don't hold the love that you have within yourself. Give it to another like me and then I will live forever. For love never really dies, and you are loved and missed as surely as we are.

Your Pet In Heaven,

Happy Easter, my sweet angel...you were missed and talked about today. Last Easter I couldn't talk without sobbing, but this year I could get the words out. It was nice to be able to tell stories and have everyone do the same. Matthew missed holding you, Sibbie doesn't let anyone hold her. You always looked so comfortable in Matt's arms and he loved walking around with you. He remembered holding you that last Christmas...he misses his little friend.

Holidays are different now, I always think of when you were here with us. You so loved Daddy's Easter lamb. And brunch...omelets, scrambled eggs, bagels and the meat pie. You used to eat so much then find a soft bed and sleep it off...I would find you and kiss your belly, but you were so stuffed that you would sigh and continue to sleep. I miss that.

I still reach out and touch the spot on the bed where you used to sleep, just like I used to and pretend you're still there. I miss you, Lena...always.

Mommy misses you and I love you forever, my precious angel child, my baby, my Lee.

One year and two months today, Lee...and guess what comes on the radio this morning? Steve Winwood's Higher Love. One of our favorite songs to dance to...I used to turn it up loud and I'd pick you up and we would dance around the family room, lost in the music with you in my arms, your head under my chin. Even when you lost your hearing, you would still come running when I started dancing to the music...then Dust in the Wind came on and I cried the whole way to work.

Some days it is still too unbearable, unbelievable and unfair...you were such a good girl, always...

Mommy loves you now and forever, my precious little angel child.

((((((Hugs))))))

Thinking of you Joan, and sending love and comfort your way.

Sending you great big HUGS!

Those moments are so precious and the memories you made will last a lifetime.

Thanks for the hugs, all! Funny how a memory sets the tone for the day...so many of them come flooding back.

Oh Joan, the memories of our babies are so very precious. Always and forever in our heart and mind. You are so right. A sudden memory can really set the tone for the day or a night. The songs Through The Years and If Tomorrow Never Comes can start a flood of tears with me. . But the memories keep our babies alive. Most bring joy and smiles to our face. They represent a time of love and happiness. Sending you a big hug.

You're so right, Dawn....

I still have two meals I cooked for Squirt in the freezer, her last two. The package gets buried with all the other things in there but from time to time I see it or take it out thinking it's something else and fall to pieces when I realize what it is. I don't think I will ever be able to toss them out. So much of my time the last 7 years of her life was cooking for her and she would sit and stare, licking her lips, most of the time. She knew what all that activity meant. So many memories tied up in two freezer-burned baggies of dog food.

Yeah, I know what you felt, as do so many of us here. It is one of the things that binds us so closely. :)

I still have all her meds...I can't throw them away, they have her name on them. All the dog beds that she used are still where she liked them. If the rest of them want to lay on them, they can, but they are not to be moved (or chewed by Sibbie!).

We're a sentimental bunch, aren't we?

I still have all of Buddy's meds too, along with his all of his files and tests. It's been almost 4 years. I may never be ready to part with them.

Yep, I have all of Lee's, too, Kathy...I'm going to get a little trunk or suitcase and put all of her things in it.

Hello, my precious. Yesterday was 15 months since you left me. I was so busy at work that I couldn't write, but you know I was thinking of you all day, crying, smiling, missing you so much. Dad came home early and we sat in the gazebo looking at the sky, hoping we would see you in a cloud formation, but you weren't there.

After I picked up Sibbie, I had to go to Aunt Gerry's to drop some papers off and as I was stopped at a light on Plandome Road, a robin landed in the road next to me and skipped over to the car and just stared at me...I knew it was a sign from you. Then the light changed and all the cars were heading towards him and I told him to move and he did. Would've been a terrible sign if he got run over, Lee.

There are still days I can't accept that you're gone...I never thought you would leave me. I know that sounds silly, but I just would never think about it. Even as panic stricken as I got when you got sicker, I still thought you would be alright.

I miss your sweet, little face. I miss picking you up and holding you in front of me and kissing your belly. I miss the way you would turn around and face away from me so I could pick you up...I wonder how you learned that. None of the others do that. I miss the way you used to go down the stairs, lifting your left back leg up and skipping every few steps...

You were my joy, Lena, and I still miss you terribly and I've been having Lena days all week. The rest of them are all asleep on the couch with me, except for Gabe, who is sleeping on the ottoman. I dread the days that I'm going to lose them too, but I know you'll be there to greet them and I know they will be so happy to see you again, especially Gable.

I love you with all my heart, Lena...I always will. Now and forever, my precious, little angel child...Mommy loves you.

Sending tons of loving hugs...

Hugs from us too. It hurts. So terribly.

I know Joan. I still have a hard time accepting my baby is gone. Like you I never thought my baby would leave me, even when she got real bad. Maybe we don`t see what we choose not to see. But you loved her, she was your everything. Its normal to have many Lena days. Thinking of you.

Yes, some days are harder than others...and we've all been there, we all know the heartache. Hugs to us all...

Oh Joan, we all understand the pain and I am sending you love and kindness across the miles.

Oh Joan, 15 month, 24 months I think we will just always miss our soul dogs.
They are super special to us and to our hearts. They teach us and share so much with us.

Sending you great big hugs

I know, Sharlene...some days are harder than others. Bad week...so many reasons, which I won't go into just yet.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by labblab

Hi again, Joan. I just want to assure you that you have plenty of company on the "guilt train." :o :o

In retrospect, I now believe my own Cushpup was suffering from observable symptoms for probably two years prior to diagnosis. But taken in isolation, none of them made any particular sense to me since I was totally unfamiliar with the disease. So I didn't even know to mention some of the subtle changes to my vet, and then after I did, it still took a trip to a specialist to confirm the diagnosis. Cushing's is such an insidious, tough disease to diagnose.

Anyway, moving on...! :)

Thanks so much for typing out all the test results. And yes, it now makes much more sense as to why Lena's dose has been increased, and it will be very interesting to see how this upcoming monitoring ACTH turns out. There is one thing, though, that I want to mention about Lena's diagnostic LDDS test.



Taken alone, this test result actually would be thought to be consistent with the pituitary form of Cushing's rather than the adrenal form. This is because Lena exhibited cortisol suppression at the four-hour mark, such that her Sample 2 result was less than 50% of her initial baseline reading. However, through the benefit of the imaging, we know that she does indeed have an adrenal tumor. Plus, another of our members just reminded us of a 2006 paper in which a leading Cushing's researcher noted that some dogs with adrenal tumors do indeed exhibit that suppression pattern. So, more than anything else, I am just offering this as additional information. I suppose it is remotely possible that Lena might have both a pituitary and adrenal tumor, but even if so, I don't believe that would alter her treatment regimen. So basically, I just wanted to make note of her interesting test result.

Bottom line, I'll definitely be watching for those new test results. And I am certainly wishing you two well!

Marianne

---

Marianne,

I know this is old, but as of this date, I have not been able to get the ultrasound report from my vet. They can't find it...I have been asking for about a year now. I know it won't matter, but it makes me very suspicious and afraid that there was no tumor.

Awwwww Joan, unanswered questions are the worst, that's for sure. :o

What excuse is the vet giving you for not providing the ultrasound report? Although there really isn't any excuse for making you wait for a year! :mad:

If it gives you any comfort, though, it probably was a moot point as to whether there was actually an adrenal tumor present as opposed to the Cushing's being pituitary in origin. Trilostane is a recommended treatment for either form of the disease, and her cortisol level was being monitored via ACTH testing. So either way, probably nothing about her treatment would have changed. That's still no excuse for you not being able to find out the facts, but maybe it will give you some peace about the results -- no matter what they were.

Marianne

Really, no excuse for not having the report. It should be in her file. Period.

hugs

They said they can't find it...I'm just so afraid that she didn't have Cushing's and was misdiagnosed. I keep seeing how if anything else is going on, there might be another reason for the cortisol to be high and I'm so afraid that I rushed into treatment and wound up making her last days uncomfortable, to say the least. I know they have to keep records for three years after death and it just upsets me, to the point i want to scream, that they don't have this ONE thing i need to have some closure.

I just want to know I did the right thing. My vet said "we'll give her a pill and she'll be fine". Well, that didn't happen. He should've told me at her age, the damage was already done and to let her go in peace. He never said anything about prednisone and what to watch for.

That's why I am so reluctant to have Gabe tested. I don't want to make a mistake.

I miss Lee so much and I just couldn't bear it if I thought I made the wrong decisions for her.

As you can see, I'm having a Lena day....

Those days happen Joan. (lena days) I think it is always hard to not look back and wonder and second guess ourselves with could we have done this or that instead.
The issue with that is that you don't know for sure that "instead" might have been worse, none of us will ever know and that is the damned if you do and damned if you don't that we live with. :(

I think, in the end, what you have to hold on to, is that, you loved Lena and always did the best for her based upon the knowledge you had at that time. What you know today, you might not have had knowledge of at the time of a decision. We sometimes forget that, especially as you become even more knowledgable over time.
(did that make sense?) I hope so, it sounded like i was all over the place.

No, it makes sense, Sharlene...I just want her back. I think it's this time of year. This is when we got her, that 1 1/2lb of fluff...that baby who needed me....and who plopped into my heart right away, and is still there.

On this site, you all understand. In my "real" world, they don't. I should be over it by now, gotten past it, moved on....

Some days, I can't...and this is one of them. My baby is gone, how on earth can I accept that??

Joan I can totally relate to everything you say, and to The responses from Sharlene and Marianne, too. Just like you, I have a lot of unanswered questions about Whiskeys true diagnosis but right or wrong, we both did all we could based on what we knew at the time. Sharlene put it perfectly- that "instead" could have been much worse. We loved our babies and always will, and we want them back. Don't get me wrong-I love all animals, but why do elephants and parrots have such long life spans, & not dogs? So unfair.

Dear Joan,

I know there's probably nothing that anybody can say that will change your doubts and regrets about Lena's Cushing's treatment. But I decided to look back through your thread one more time, and having done so, I think that Sharlene was so wise in what she's just written -- that there's simply no way to know how things would have turned out had you travelled a different path. And truly, things might have been even worse. This is how you described Lena when you first joined us.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Joan2517

She has had symptoms for about a year, I think. They didn't happen all at once, but crept up. The panting, not wanting to cuddle anymore, peeing in the house, slipping on the wood floors, not climbing stairs anymore, drinking a lot of water, eating like crazy; the potbelly, warts, an eye infection, her tail didn't poof after grooming anymore; she was always hot, when she used to love to lounge around on the deck and soak up the sun. Some I went to the vet for, but the rest I thought was just her age.

---

Goodness, little Lena had so many symptoms of Cushing's, and these were all problems that were robbing her of any decent quality of life :o. Honestly, I don't see how not treating her for Cushing's would have been a viable option for you, Joan. You listed above the outward signs, but we also know that she was suffering from internal Cushing's problems such as high blood pressure which carries so many risks for heart, kidneys, vision, etc. In the end, the vets believe it was a clot or cardiac emergency that prompted her respiratory failure. If so, these are symptoms of the disease and not of the treatment.

I truly do not believe the trilostane was the basis for Lena's problems. Even if we somehow hypothesize that she wasn't truly Cushinoid, she did suffer from abnormally elevated cortisol and that is not a healthy situation on a chronic basis. So taking medication to lower the cortisol would still help to lessen the risks of high blood pressure, clots, etc. Trilostane is even used to treat certain conditions that don't involve elevated cortisol at all.

So in my heart of hearts, I believe you did the right thing by treating her, Joan, and Cushing's or not, I do not believe the trilostane was the culprit here. Instead of the medication, I believe it was a clot, or her lungs, or her heart, and the end might have come even sooner had you not worked as you did to get the cortisol lowered.

Of course you know I'm not a vet, so this is only my personal opinion after following Lena's journey alongside you. But I just felt I had to write these words in the hope they may help you release some part of the guilt you are carrying. I don't believe you made a mistake, Joan. You are a wonderful, loving mom and you gave Lena the best chance that was within your power to grant her. I remain so deeply sorry that she just could not be healed.

It really is quite simple and oh so hard at the same time. We all do what we are able with the knowledge and resources we have at the time. It's odd, but I don't go back and relive what I could have done differently with Buddy. I did not let him suffer. That's what he would have wanted. You did your very best for Lena. That's what we all do for our pups. Our heart dogs break our hearts and they don't heal quickly, but maybe they aren't meant to.

Kathy

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by labblab

Dear Joan,

I know there's probably nothing that anybody can say that will change your doubts and regrets about Lena's Cushing's treatment. But I decided to look back through your thread one more time, and having done so, I think that Sharlene was so wise in what she's just written -- that there's simply no way to know how things would have turned out had you travelled a different path. And truly, things might have been even worse. This is how you described Lena when you first joined us.



Goodness, little Lena had so many symptoms of Cushing's, and these were all problems that were robbing her of any decent quality of life :o. Honestly, I don't see how not treating her for Cushing's would have been a viable option for you, Joan. You listed above the outward signs, but we also know that she was suffering from internal Cushing's problems such as high blood pressure which carries so many risks for heart, kidneys, vision, etc. In the end, the vets believe it was a clot or cardiac emergency that prompted her respiratory failure. If so, these are symptoms of the disease and not of the treatment.

I truly do not believe the trilostane was the basis for Lena's problems. Even if we somehow hypothesize that she wasn't truly Cushinoid, she did suffer from abnormally elevated cortisol and that is not a healthy situation on a chronic basis. So taking medication to lower the cortisol would still help to lessen the risks of high blood pressure, clots, etc. Trilostane is even used to treat certain conditions that don't involve elevated cortisol at all.

So in my heart of hearts, I believe you did the right thing by treating her, Joan, and Cushing's or not, I do not believe the trilostane was the culprit here. Instead of the medication, I believe it was a clot, or her lungs, or her heart, and the end might have come even sooner had you not worked as you did to get the cortisol lowered.

Of course you know I'm not a vet, so this is only my personal opinion after following Lena's journey alongside you. But I just felt I had to write these words in the hope they may help you release some part of the guilt you are carrying. I don't believe you made a mistake, Joan. You are a wonderful, loving mom and you gave Lena the best chance that was within your power to grant her. I remain so deeply sorry that she just could not be healed.

---

Awwww...Thank you, Marianne...for taking the time to reread her thread again and tell me your thoughts. Every time we lose another one here, it just brings me back and I start questioning myself all over again.

Your opinion, and all of the others who are so knowledgeable, do give me some peace...and I really do appreciate it.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Budster's Mom

It really is quite simple and oh so hard at the same time. We all do what we are able with the knowledge and resources we have at the time. It's odd, but I don't go back and relive what I could have done differently with Buddy. I did not let him suffer. That's what he would have wanted. You did your very best for Lena. That's what we all do for our pups. Our heart dogs break our hearts and they don't heal quickly, but maybe they aren't meant to.

Kathy

---

Thanks, Kathy...maybe they aren't meant to.