Lena, Teacup Poodle w/ adrenal tumor - Lena is now an angel [Archive] - Page 2 - Canine Cushing's Information and Support Forums

Allison

03-31-2016, 09:48 AM

Joan2517

03-31-2016, 10:27 AM

Belated condolences to you on your loss of Lena. Reading your thread made me cry. I'm so sorry for all you and Lena went through.

I don't know if this will help, but I'll share a little of my last moment with my precious Lucy cat. She came to me as a stray and I promised to always protect and care for her. Yet when she got sick, there was nothing I could do to stop her kidneys and heart from failing on her. I felt in that alone I betrayed her. Also, the morning she died, she had been sick. I held her for a long time. Then I went at the scheduled time into the kitchen to get her food. Upon my return, she had slipped into unconsciousness. Again, I felt I had let her down.

It's been over two years and I still feel a little of that guilt. But, I mostly feel the depth of the relationship we had. And I pray for you that one day this is also what you will see with Lena. You had her in the hospital to help her health. And you were there for her all her life. That's what you need to remember.

My husband lost a senior adopted dog last spring to Cushings. Now we're facing the various health issues of our poodle. All we can do is love, love, and love. Hugs to you during this painful time.

Thank you, Allison...we also lost two cats to kidney failure this past year, one was 19 1/2, the other the same age as Lena. We did everything we could for the first one, Temujin, including I/V fluids at home, but he finally needed to be put to sleep...I was with him. The other one, Phoenix, was terrified of everything and I knew we wouldn't be able to treat him as we couldn't hold him to do anything. If he wanted to be petted, he would let you, but the minute you tried to hug him or pick him up, he panicked. He stopped eating and kept hiding, so I knew he was getting ready to leave us. I finally found his hiding spot and brought him in to be put down. He was very calm and even purring while they injected him. I know he went peacefully as I was finally able to hug him.

I just can't understand why the one I loved more than anything, left without me being there. It just torments me that she might have thought I abandoned her, or she was waiting for me to come back. I guess I will just have to come to terms with it somehow, someday.

I don't ever want to go through Cushing's again...but my husband went and got a new toy poodle. She is only 3 months old, but already I am worried that she will get Cushing's too. I am trying to enjoy her, but I am still so sad. Last night I was watching something on TV and I laughed out loud and she stopped what she was doing and just stared at me. I realized that she had not heard me laugh in the month since we've had her, and it made me feel bad. This time I will be watching since I know the signs. With Lena, I just thought she was getting old...

I hope all goes well with your poodle, they are such good dogs!

molly muffin

04-01-2016, 08:24 PM

Oh Joan, a new puppy in the house. :)

I'm sure your hubby was trying to bring a smile to your face again and a puppy is hard to not smile at.

I know that you will eventually bond with this little one too, maybe not the same as Lena of course, but a new bond, all it's own, as this new little one, needs you, needs to know love and laughter too. She is now a part of your family and your pack and just remember Lena and what she liked and how much she loved to be near you and know that this little one needs and wants the same thing and let Lena guide you. She taught you well remember. :)

Sending you big hugs Joan!

Joan2517

04-02-2016, 11:14 AM

Thank you, Sharlene...she is a cutie and I am falling in love with her. The boys are finally getting used to her and even playing with her. Our 11 year old, chihuahua hates her!

It's still hard though. I see Lena everywhere and find myself looking for signs. Sibbie is red, not white like Lena was, which is good, I think it would be much harder if she looked like her. And I think my husband got robbed, she is bigger than a teacup, probably a toy, which is also good as I won't have to worry about her so much. She's also more independent than Lee. Lena was attached to me from the first night and we did everything together and I loved every minute of it for almost 15 years!

But I can't be with Sibble every minute, I am out of the house 9 1/2 hours, so she will need to fend for herself and not depend on me as much. She goes to work with my husband and then I pick her up on my way home from work. She loves being home but she is still too small and young to be alone all day with just the dogs...maybe by the summer.

She is funny, a bundle of energy and exhausting! She's living in a house of seniors and is bringing new life into the house. I still miss Lena all the time, but Sibbie needs a mommy and I am Mommy...she follows me from room to room even though she doesn't have to be held; she lays on the bottom shelf of the towel rack while I shower and get ready for work in the morning; sleeps at my feet if I am doing something (Lena would insist on being held!); and cries if I go somewhere where she can't get to me, but not for long.

We are forming a bond and you're right, it will be a new, different one...

molly muffin

04-02-2016, 03:03 PM

Sibble is just showing her own personality and that will make it much easier to not compare her to Lena. Really if she had been a say, baby shihtzu, you wouldn't be thinking Lena at all and that is how you have to look it, just another little baby who needs a mommy and you are it. :)

She sounds absolutely adorable and how sweet that your husband takes her to work with him and you pick her up. Just like daycare eh. :) They really are adorable little things but oh yes, the energy levels!! Mamma Mia! Not sure I'd be ready for that. :) :) :) Well, yes I would but I'd need lots of naps!

Big hugs Joan, what an adventure you are starting.

Joan2517

04-25-2016, 10:41 PM

Hi all...can someone put the photo contest information up again, please? I can't find it...

Thanks!

labblab

04-26-2016, 06:29 AM

Joan, here's the link to the Photo Contest thread. It's on our "Everything Else" forum. :)

http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7864

Joan2517

04-26-2016, 06:46 AM

Thanks, Marianne~

Joan2517

05-08-2016, 10:40 AM

My first Mother's Day without you, my precious...always the first to kiss me in the mornings. How I miss you, Lena. Almost 3 months and I still miss you as much as the day you left me. I love you with all my heart, Lee, forever and always.

molly muffin

05-08-2016, 09:26 PM

First are always so hard and especially when one of your babies isn't there. :(

Sending you big hugs Joan!!

Joan2517

05-09-2016, 07:20 AM

Thanks, Sharlene.....

budindian

05-09-2016, 10:41 AM

I hope you had a good day, I know how you feel. They say it gets easier with time but I still can't see that or feel that. I silently talked to Bandit all day yesterday. Hugs to you

Joan2517

05-09-2016, 10:50 AM

I hope you had a good day, I know how you feel. They say it gets easier with time but I still can't see that or feel that. I silently talked to Bandit all day yesterday. Hugs to you

Same to you...I was thinking of you yesterday and hoping that Sammy was keeping you busy.

It hasn't gotten easier...sometimes I can't believe I still have tears left...I cry for her all the time. Every time I start to talk about her I see the "oh no, she's going to cry" look come over everyone's face...and I do.

labblab

05-11-2016, 09:23 AM

Dear Joan, my own heart is breaking for the pain that you are suffering. Losing a spirit as precious as Lena is not something that we ever "get over" (as many thoughtless people are quick to urge). We just have to force ourselves to walk through each and every day, baby step by baby step by baby step.

I do want to speak to one thing that has saddened me so much on your behalf, though. From replies you have been writing to other folks, it seems to me as though you are blaming yourself for Lena's death because you chose to treat her with the Vetoryl. To this day, I still feel such remorse over certain decisions I made about my own Cushpup's care. In truth, it is entirely possible that mistakes were made, and in hindsight, I would have done things differently had I only known in advance what was going to happen. But that's the rub -- we can never know in advance. We do the best we can with what we know at the time. That's all we can ever do.

I suspect that saying this won't make you feel any better, at least right now. But I hope that with time, you will find a bit more peace and acceptance in knowing that every decision you made for Lena was 100% out of your love for her. Some of the decisions did not turn out the way you had hoped, but that is not your fault. Truly it is not. If only we had the power to be all-knowing, but that is not a power we humans can ever have. We do have the power of love, though, and no dog was ever blessed with more love than Lena.

Finally, for whatever it is worth, I am personally doubtful that it was the Vetoryl that caused her respiratory failure. It sounded as though the vets were aware of cardiac weakness as well as the possibility of a clot having been thrown. Both of these issues would more likely be the result of Cushing's itself, as opposed to the Vetoryl. If anything, you would hope that the Vetoryl would stave off both of these issues. From reading your thread, Lena had both good and bad days while taking the medication. It just seems more likely to me that her tired little body was no longer able to carry on in the face of the demands that the disease and her age placed on her heart and lungs.

But again, that is just my own thought, and probably will not change how you are feeling at all. I just hate to see you blaming yourself for giving Lena the medication that we all hoped would help her. No doggie could have asked for a more loving mom or a more precious life.

Continuing to send you so many hugs from across the miles.
Marianne

Joan2517

05-11-2016, 10:07 AM

Thank you, Marianne...it's not that I don't think the Vetoryl doesn't work because obviously it does. It's just that it doesn't seem like it was the right decision for Lena.

I have days where I know that I did my best for her with what knowledge I had at the time. I just wish that I had found this forum sooner...I've learned so much more here from all of you.

Tammysmom

05-11-2016, 11:33 AM

Dear Joan, it`s so easy to see how heartbroken you are. And my heart breaks for you. Lena was such a precious little baby. I have feelings much like you. I`m not even sure if Tammy really had Cushings. Even though her cortisol was elevated and there was some hair and skin issues, she never had most of the cushing signs. Not the signs you would expect in a cushings dog. So Joan, I really understand. I wish I had found this site earlier too. But on the other side, we do the best we can with the knowledge we have. And of course most of us trust our vets completely.. I see nothing you did wrong. I see a loving mom who did everything in her power and knowledge to help her baby. It will not be easy,it will take time but please be kind to yourself. Lena would like that. She knows how much you loved her. Brianna

Joan2517

05-11-2016, 12:07 PM

Thanks, Brianna...my mind knows this....I'm just waiting for my heart to catch up.

I really appreciate your support and understanding. Please know I am here for you, too.

Renee

05-11-2016, 01:04 PM

I want to second Marianne here. We all do the best we can with the information we have. It's our privilege to have these precious beings as part of our lives ... but, it is also our burden to make the best choices we can for them and hope it turns out all right. Had you elected not to treat her, then you would possibly be beating yourself up for whatever the outcome going down that road.

Be kind to yourself Joan. Lena had your unconditional love, which is all that mattered to her.

Joan2517

05-11-2016, 01:05 PM

I know, Renee...thanks.

molly muffin

05-11-2016, 09:50 PM

yep the heart and the head are not always in agreement even when in the midst of trying to treat and make those decisions.
It certainly isn't when we are trying to come to grips with the loss of those we loved so much.

Joan2517

05-27-2016, 04:22 PM

Hi all,

I know I read somewhere of a harness diaper...I just can't remember who posted it. I have a Puggle who will not stop marking and he is ruining my furniture and I am at my wits end about what to do. HELP!

Thanks....

My sweet Ginger

05-27-2016, 04:46 PM

https://peekeeper.com/

My Ginger wore these for three yrs and I don't know what I'd have done without them. Took a bit of time until I got the hang of how to put them off and on with ease (those pesky valcro patches :mad:).
I believe these are for both boys and girls but please double check.
You can see Ginger wearing them in her album. Miss my baby. :(
Give it a try and order a spare if you like it as you will need it.

Joan2517

05-27-2016, 04:49 PM

Wonderful! Thanks!

molly muffin

05-30-2016, 07:47 PM

Where you able to get a peekeeper for your puggle? Hope that helps with the marking. My friend had a cocker that marked every house he went into, including his own. Peed down my wall, I was like, hello pleased to meet you too. Then went for the bucket to clean up. I think it would drive me crazy on a daily basis. LOL

Joan2517

05-30-2016, 10:33 PM

Right now we are on Elavil and valium, hopefully it will help
...I hope so

molly muffin

06-12-2016, 09:44 AM

Hi joan. How is your puggle doing? How are you. It's been such a sad time lately to lose so many and I though of you and of Brianna and so many who also have had heart ache and loss.

Joan2517

06-12-2016, 08:42 PM

Hi Sharlene,

He seems to be doing okay so far, but that is what happens...he goes weeks without doing anything and then all of a sudden he pees or poops all over.

Sibbie is adorable and we are all settling in together. I miss Lena every day, but am beginning to move on a little. I still think of her constantly.
Thanks for checking in with me. I check in on all of you every day, even if I don't post.

Joan2517

06-14-2016, 02:20 PM

Sharlene,

I've been meaning to ask you about elevated sex hormones. I see you mention that a lot and I was wondering what exactly it means. Just curious because of Gable, who may or may not have Cushings. He drinks a lot, but as far as I know, doesn't pee in the house (I hope I haven't been blaming the Puggle all this time if it was Gabe, but I don't think it is).

When we first heard of Cushings way back last year before we even suspected Lena had anything, it was because of Gable's hair loss on both sides of his rump. They tested and it came back fine, but of course I know now that that doesn't mean anything. He likes to rub against the boxwoods in the backyard, so I think it was because of that and it usually grows back in the winter as soft puppy-like fur. I put him on Melatonin for a while a few months ago and he hasn't lost any yet. But sometimes I wonder...he pants a lot, but he's a big dog (85-90lbs) and lately he seems to be a little unsteady, but he is going to be 8 and I don't know what he's mixed with...pretty sure there is Lab in there, but maybe Visla also, who knows.

I can't bear the thought, or the expense, of going through Cushings again! As soon as I have some extra money I'm going to have the vet do a complete blood workup, but I really don't want to know.

Anyway, my original question...what does elevated sex hormones mean when it refers to Cushings?

molly muffin

06-14-2016, 05:50 PM

Hi Joan,

I started to try to type this on my ipad and gave up, too horrendously painful. LOL So, at the computer now.

In cushings, when a dog has normal cortisol levels, but has (and per my IMS) at least two other sex hormones elevated, they call this Atypical Cushings. Not all vets even agree that this exists, but Dr. Oliver at the University of Tennessee studied it thoroughly before his death (he was a great resource to k9 cushings here). We know that sex hormones elevations can cause some of the same sort of sypmptoms that are seen in cushings, hair loss, etc. So the test through University of Tennessee evaluates cortisol levels and the other sex hormones and if you have 2 or more elevated, this is then considered to be Atypical cushings.
The treatment is starting out on melatonin and lignans. I like the HMR lignans as they are more easily absorbed by the body. It takes about 4 months to see if there will be any improvement, but some have reported good results sooner. You don't treat and test with the traditional cushing meds which are for high cortisol because this doesn't exist in the atypical diagnosis. (cortisol levels are normal)
Now Gable could have this and you could try the melatonin and lignans. Or you Could have them do a blood draw and send it to the University of Tennessee which tests for it. Then you would retest if in fact there are elevations in about 4 months usually to see if they are responding.

If he is rubbing against the boxwoods though, then that is likely causing some of the hair loss you see. Has he been tested for allergies? That might be a place to start, or even better place is to check the thyroid as it too can cause the same symptoms.

I wouldn't go straight to cushings though. Definitely don't need another cushings diagnosis, but the main thing is to rule out more likely culprits first anyway.

Hope that helps.

Harley PoMMom

06-14-2016, 05:59 PM

Those adrenal glands produce cortisol plus 5 other adrenal intermediate steroids/sex hormones which are: 17-hydroxyprogesterone, estradiol, androstenedione, progesterone and aldosterone. Now, estradiol can be produced outside the adrenals, like in fat cells, hair follicles and the liver.

Those adrenal intermediate steroids/sex hormones can be elevated while the cortisol is not and this is known as Atypical Cushing's. Dog's with Atypical Cushing's generally have the same symptoms of a dog with conventional Cushing's.

Hope this helps.

Hugs, Lori

Joan2517

06-14-2016, 06:24 PM

Thanks, Sharlene and Lori.. A starting point as soon as I have some money!

mommyslittlegirl

06-15-2016, 10:11 PM

Joan, even tho your question brought me pain , I am so glad you asked the question on elevated hormones in dogs. The elevated hormone issue has bothered me for quite some time. I have searched a lot about elevated hormones in dogs, there effect on the dog and Atypical Cushings in dogs. Sharlene and Lori`s answers were of great interest to me. Thank you.

Joan2517

06-15-2016, 10:45 PM

Yes, they are all so knowledgeable...I'm glad it helped you.

Joan2517

07-27-2016, 07:26 AM

I know this should go in everything else, but I can't figure out how to start one.

Sibbie, who is now 7 months old, is getting spayed today and my husband has me on such a guilt trip about it that I am almost ready to cancel it. We are not going to breed her...so isn't it best to have her spayed??? He thinks she'll change and he doesn't want her hurt. I am sick to my stomach worrying that something will go wrong.

The only female we didn't spay when they were young, is his chihuahua, who we finally did when she was 11 after years of the mess and poor girl's confusion twice a year.

Thoughts???

Squirt's Mom

07-27-2016, 09:26 AM

Tell your hubby that breast cancer in dogs is horrible to watch - I've had two fosters who were not spayed and ended up with breast cancer. It is not pleasant for the dog nor their humans. How will he feel if blood starts pouring from her swollen nipples, or if it spreads to other organs including the brain which it did in one of mine, or if removing the tumors is only a band aid because they come right back even before the incisions have healed as they did in the other? What would more painful for that baby girl? Which would he rather watch? The vets that saw my babies all told me that their cancer was more than likely due to that failure to spay...my Trinket had not been spayed when I had to deal with the first case but she was taken care of not too long after being told the probable cause of Tasha's breast cancer. No way Trink was going to go thru what Tasha was if there was any chance of preventing it! Spaying removed a great deal of that risk for Trink.

I appreciate your hubby's compassion and desire not to allow any pain in Sibbie's world...but this little spay procedure is done and over and forgotten in days while breast cancer can go on and on and on. No comparison in my experience, none. ;)

Joan2517

07-27-2016, 09:30 AM

Thank you! She is there now and I will just bite my nails all day long until they call. I really appreciate your response. I know it's the right thing to do, but when he starts with all his negativity, it blows my confidence to hell...

molly muffin

07-27-2016, 07:00 PM

Well I know I am late checking in, but you can tell your hubby that my molly was spayed when she was about a year, after we got her from the rescue and once she recovered from the surgery she has been on the path of divine divahood every since.
I think your baby girl is going to be just fine and your hubby will wonder why he made so much fuss.
If I had to guess, he just can't stand the thought of her having surgery and being in any pain. Once this is past they will both be fine. :)

Joan2517

07-27-2016, 07:42 PM

Thanks, Sharlene and Leslie...

She is home and very sleepy, moans a little when she moves, but she's peed; walked around a little; and I just gave her a little bit of food. She looks so stunned! No one has ever hurt her :(.

I feel terrible. She was happier to see my son than me...probably because I was the one who left her there.

But my vet (the cute one) said she was an angel all day. She didn't cry or bark and just sat in the cage and watched everything that was going on....

I on the other hand, couldn't eat or concentrate on anything and sat on the couch with my son until I finally closed my eyes and slept. When I'm worried or upset, I need to slip into unconsciousness where there is no reality...it's my coping mechanism.

molly muffin

07-27-2016, 07:47 PM

My husband has that same coping mechanism Joan. I think it's how he survived two girls going through their teens. :) :)

Awww what a sweetie. She'll be right as rain in no time and I'm sure she will forgive you.

Joan2517

07-27-2016, 07:55 PM

I swear I don't know what I would do without all of you!!!

molly muffin

07-27-2016, 07:59 PM

:) hugs :)

Whiskey's Mom

07-27-2016, 08:15 PM

Oh Joan, you poor thing, stop torturing yourself!(easy for me to say because I'd be the same as you!:eek:) You did the right thing getting her spayed. My coworker is dealing with mammary tumors in her unspayed 10 year old female, its awful. They decided to have surgery and there was something on her spleen so I think that was removed too but I'm not sure. The vets said all of this would have been most likely avoided if she had been spayed. Hang in there!:)

Joan2517

07-27-2016, 08:35 PM

Thanks, Leslie and Sharlene...I know it was the right thing to do...we spent 10 years dealing with our/his chihuahua's going into heat, false pregnancies, mood swings, and nasty temper (which hasn't changed).

She was spayed the same day Lena had her dental work done in November....I was so worried about Lee, but she seemed fine. I sat on the couch with Doree for two days while she recovered.

No way was I going through all of that again!

Harley PoMMom

07-27-2016, 09:13 PM

Joan2517

07-27-2016, 09:22 PM

My Marvin, he's a rescue so I don't know his exact age...well anyways, the shelter neutered him when they took him in and we are thinking he is between 9 - 11 years old...and he is doing fine. I wanted to post this earlier to you but got distracted, which as the older I am get the less it takes to distract me :eek::eek:

Sending hugs to you both.

Thanks, I can get distracted just by looking up from what I'm doing...all of our animals (cats and dogs) were fixed. Doree was the only one we didn't do and I regretted it at least 3 times every year for 10 years....and he still didn't learn his lesson!

molly muffin

07-28-2016, 10:01 PM

How is Sibbie doing today?

If you ever want me to start a thread for you with these post for Sibbie to have hr own thread just let me know. :) Any of the staff can do it for you. Not necessary but just if you want.

Joan2517

07-29-2016, 08:39 AM

She's fine, Sharlene. I took her out to do some errands with me yesterday and we got ice cream and sat by the water watching the boats and shared the ice cream...so I think I have been forgiven :)

I used to do that with Lena...usually with Burger King or McDonald's. Then we'd walk along the sea wall and watch the boats. Lena grew up in Kings Point. We lived on an estate right on the water, Manhasset Bay. She loved the beach, the dock and the smell of the ocean (so did I). And I think she would remember when we took our little side trips here in Glen Cove. That was one of the things I had on our bucket list after we found out about the Cushing's....to go back home so she could see it one more time. We never did get to do it, I thought we would have more time. I'm trying to do all these things with Sibbie, though.

Funny thing is the owner of the estate has been asking me to bring my grandsons over to enjoy the pool and we finally went last Sunday. Just me and Josh and Alex. I would've brought Sibbie, but was afraid it would be too hot for her. I'll bring her next time. It was nice. They had a good time in the pool and I told them stories of when their mother and uncle were their ages and swam in the same pool, walked along the same beach and went out on the boat in that same ocean.

I used to take Lena in the pool with us there. She would go anywhere that I did...and she loved walking out on the dock. Sometimes we would just sit there and she would bask in the sun and her ears would blow around in the ocean breeze. It felt good to remember all of that last week. I still miss her so much...it's 23 weeks today. Fridays are so sad for me now, its one more week that she's been gone.

I don't think I want to start a thread for Sibbie yet...this is still Lena's space...thanks, Sharlene.

Joan2517

08-13-2016, 07:31 AM

For you, Lee...I just wanted to put this where I could find it. It's a beautiful poem that Leslie posted...I think of you every day. Love, Mommy...

[CENTER]FRIEND
I lost a treasured friend today
The little dog who used to lay
Her gentle head upon my knee
And shared her silent thoughts with me.

She’ll come no longer to my call
Retrieve no more her favourite ball
A voice far greater than my own
Has called her to his golden throne.

Although my eyes are filled with tears
I am thankful for the happy years
She spent down here with me
And for her love and loyalty.

When it is time for me to go
And join her there, this much I know
I shall not fear the transient dark
For she will greet me with a bark.

~Author Unknown[/CEN

Whiskey's Mom

08-13-2016, 09:51 AM

Joan that is such a beautiful poem. :( I also just read your earlier post about taking Lena to the beach. Whiskey loves to swim & Has been to the Jersey shore a few times and we always took him to my Aunts home in the Poconos to swim in the lake. Sadly she passed away suddenly in December and the home was sold.:( Lots of happy memories though. My daughters have been to Long Island many times to visit friends. They always make the drive to Montauk, & tell me it's absolutely beautiful. Lena was lucky to enjoy life to the fullest with you. :)

Joan2517

08-13-2016, 12:15 PM

My mother has a house in Woodloch Springs, a part of Woodloch Pines, in the Poconos and Lee and I used to go all the time. She loved it there...just the two of us in the car together, sharing cheeseburgers at the rest stops, and then being pampered by by Mom and Dad. A whole "Mommy and me" weekend. I haven't been there since she died. My father passed away 8 years ago and my mom is living here in Huntington with my sister now...she has Alzheimer's.

But we still have the house and I think I will take Sibbie there. Going back with Lena was on my bucket list after her diagnosis, but we didn't get the chance.

Lena grew up in Kings Point on the water and loved the beach and the sand...so many smells and things to investigate! She never really went in the water though. She did like the pool!

We had a black Lab growing up and we used to go Upstate to Gilbert Lake and she just loved diving into the lakes and swimming. I love to watch dogs swim. They look so free and happy. I hope you have pictures of Whiskey swimming, he sure is a cutie!

Montauk is definitely beautiful. I have a friend who lives in East Hampton, and while visiting, we sometimes go to Montauk for dinner. You should take a trip here with your daughters and check it out. They are pretty dog-friendly out there

molly muffin

08-14-2016, 11:44 AM

My golden retriever just loved the water. Always up for a swim and a fiesty shake afterwards.
She loved to fall asleep right at the edge of the lake and you know how goldens just love to turn their bellies up to the sun :) I don't know how many times she'd be sleeping by the lake edge, roll onto her back for some belly sun and fall into the lake, then have to take a swim since she was already there.
They are our companions and friends and bring such joy to our lives.

Joan2517

08-14-2016, 12:30 PM

They certainly do, Sharlene. We have two fish ponds in the backyard and after we dug the first one out and filled it with Koi, Lena used to touch noses with one of them who we called Dottie. She was so friendly and would come to the surface to greet us, especially to see Lee.

Well, I can't tell you how many times she either fell or jumped in and I had to fish her out~ One time I heard this whining and I was on the deck and kept thinking it was a hawk flying around. I kept looking in the sky and didn't see anything, when I all of a sudden I realized that I hadn't seen Lena for a while. I went running down to the pond and there she was, hanging on for dear life in the corner of the pond. After that episode, we built up a little wall around the pond so we didn't have to worry about that happening again.

A few years later, unbeknownst to us, a great blue heron found our pond and came for breakfast every day and ate my poor Dottie, along with all of the other Koi in there. I couldn't figure out what was eating them (thought maybe a raccoon or cat) until one morning I was out early and saw it jump from our neighbor's garage roof, onto our grape arbor, and down into the courtyard where the pond was...mystery solved! He was gorgeous, but I had to put a stop to it.

That was the end of Koi for us. We barricaded the pond and filled it with cheap goldfish instead...lol!

This is one of my favorite memories of my darling girl. Sibbie has fallen in once because she is tall enough to climb up on the wall, so we got her a pool so she could jump in there to cool off and she loves it.

As I'm writing this, Sibbie is sitting in my lap, with her head on the table and my laptop, just the way Lee used to do. This is the first time she has wanted to do this...I know my darling is sending me a sign that she's with me.

budindian

08-15-2016, 02:45 PM

What a beautiful poem and such wonderful memories.

Joan2517

08-19-2016, 12:33 PM

My dear, sweet Lena...today is six months since you left me. I still find it hard to believe. It seems so long to me, not seeing your sweet little face as you watched me, or holding you in my arms all the time. I miss everything about you and not a day goes by where I am not thinking of you. I can't believe I still have tears left to cry...but I do.

You were always such a good girl, never a problem, never mean or cranky...a happy, sweet angel, always, from the minute you came to us. You are the dog of my heart, Lee, and you always will be.

Your brothers are fine, Gabe still misses you, though. He still won't sleep upstairs with us. Cooper is Cooper, and I think Doree gets lonely for you sometimes, too. I think you would have like Sibbie...she is adorable, but can really be a holy terror.

Give Phoenix, Tem and Andee a kiss for me...and all the others who went before them, too many to mention, but I hope you are all together and playing, lounging in the sun and happy.

I love you with all my heart, Lena, I always will...my precious, angel child.

Love, Mommy

Harley PoMMom

08-19-2016, 03:42 PM

(((Hugs)))

Whiskey's Mom

08-20-2016, 04:45 PM

Hugs & caring thoughts from us as you remember your sweet little girl.

Renee

08-20-2016, 05:17 PM

Checking in Joan. I can't believe it's been six months. Seems so long, but so short. I hope you are starting to feel better and yesterday wasn't too tough on you.

Joan2517

08-20-2016, 07:57 PM

(((Hugs)))

Thanks, I needed that.

Joan2517

08-20-2016, 07:58 PM

Hugs & caring thoughts from us as you remember your sweet little girl.

Thank you~

Joan2517

08-20-2016, 08:00 PM

Checking in Joan. I can't believe it's been six months. Seems so long, but so short. I hope you are starting to feel better and yesterday wasn't too tough on you.

Thanks, Renee...I feel better today, but yesterday was non-stop tears. I can't believe I can still cry...it's like a dam opens up and I'm a mess.

molly muffin

08-23-2016, 04:40 PM

Yes of course you cry. I would be doing the same. We just miss them so darn much. :(

HUGS

Joan2517

09-15-2016, 10:20 AM

Putting this here so I don't lose it, Lena...I miss you every day and really want to believe this...

A Dogs Message from Heaven

I am sending you this message as I can see you are still having struggles with coping each day since my passing.

You may walk in darkness and your heart is broken with my absence. I haven't left you as you hold me in your heart. Please don't be sad as the light will come shinning through for you. For each day of sunshine, think of it as reminder of me beaming down on you. Be happy that I am no longer in pain from sickness. I don't want you grieving for me for long as it makes me sad to see you in so much hurt. Don't dwell on the guilt you feel for making decisions we both know you had to do and I thank you for releasing me of my sickness.

Cry if you need to, miss me if you must, but don't worry about me, I'm in a place I love.

Yesterday I talked with the Creator and he said you'd come one day. I wanted you to know this. So you see I'm happy and I am free. There's nothing to worry me. Dry your eyes and make plans to see me again. I will look for you and when you get here, you will see what a wonderful place this is.

Let me tell you what it's like here in this wonderful place. There are no clouds or dreary rain…Just lot of blue sky and sunshine casted on us from His most gracious presence. There are miles of green grassy fields and meadows of beautiful flowers.

There are no cruel humans to hurt us, just the keepers who have been specially chosen to care for us...

We all get along here large and small. Some of us had a pretty rough life while others were very spoiled. We run and play tag or chase balls. We can be lazy as we want and take long naps. The Creator checks on us each day.

I have met many of your friend’s fur kids here.

There is never a sad moment. Just so much to keep busy....We get a lot of new kids arriving daily and is fun to show them the ropes here.

We are here waiting here for you when your purpose on Earth is complete. My wish for you is to be happy for me and not sad. It will be the most happiest of reunions and I will lick away all your tears. There will be nothing but good times for ever and ever.

I will let you feel my presence if you will just have faith and allow it to happen.

When the time is right, and it will come, I want you to take in another fur kid to care for just as you cared for me and protected me from all harm and gave me the security that I needed all those years. They deserve the life I had with you. Don't think of it as replacing me but giving another the love you have inside you to bring joy to another. I felt honored to a part of your life and you gave me so much of yourself.... That will always be special.

You were my life and I will always love you for that.

I am not that far away and I will be close to you in spirit and will remain in your heart. That is the bond that connects us. Do not think of me when I was at my worst but all the great memories we shared together. I hate to see you cry. I am happy here so be glad for me.

I want to be remembered for all the silly things I did and things we did together. We had some great times together.... So cherish those memories.

So my best friend, until your task on Earth is finished, take care of yourself and help another less fortunate kid to know the love I shared with you and you will be forever rewarded. You will know when the time is right.

Love you Forever,
Your 4 legged soul-mate, Lena.

Author...Kay Faulkner

molly muffin

09-15-2016, 05:35 PM

I agree Joan, it's just beautiful. :)

budindian

09-16-2016, 09:18 AM

I know how you feel , its been 8 months and I still cry for my Bandit, he was the furbaby of my heart. I know I will never forget him and I know he will always be in my heart. I found a camera the other day and charged it and saw so many pictures of my baby I had forgotten about, it was a bittersweet moment brought tears and laughter. I still think of him everyday.

Joan2517

09-16-2016, 09:34 AM

Yes, I know...I go back and search through all of my pictures in the computers just to catch a glimpse of her in any of them. Today is 30 weeks and Monday will be 7 months and I just can't believe it still. It feels like forever to me...in my mind I can smile at the memories, but to speak about them to anyone will bring on the tears that just won't stop.

Sibbie and the boys keep me distracted most of the time. I know I've mentioned my concern that Gabe might have Cushing's, but I had him at the vet on this past Monday and they did blood work and everything came back perfect, except for his thyroid levels which were low normal. So we will test that again in 6 weeks. So I think he must still be grieving for Lee, which I find strange, unless he just picks up on me still being sad. I don't know, but at least I don't have to worry about Cushing's at this time.

And Sibbie is a joy! So full of fun and life...she keeps us all on our toes and is turning into such a lovely girl. Different than Lena in so many ways, but every once in a while does something just like her. Monday after I got back from the vet with Gable, she wanted to be held, which she usually doesn't, but I stood in the gazebo, looking out over the garden with her in my arms for almost an hour...something Lee always wanted me to do. Every time I tried to put her down, she wanted up again.

I think Bandit must have made you charge up the camera so you could see him. I hope Betty and Sammy are helping you and I think of you often and look for you on the forum.

Joan

Harley PoMMom

09-17-2016, 10:38 AM

I made my husband cut some of the hair off of her ears, the ears I loved to feel and kiss, and I carry those cuttings in a baggie in my pocketbook and take them out and look at them. Sometimes I open it up and feel them...my kids would say that's gross, but I couldn't care less.

I did the exact same thing with my three boys, and every once in a while I, too, take them out to touch them and I'm flooded with bittersweet memories.

Sending huge and loving hugs to you, Joan.

Joan2517

09-17-2016, 11:58 AM

I did the exact same thing with my three boys, and every once in a while I, too, take them out to touch them and I'm flooded with bittersweet memories.

Sending huge and loving hugs to you, Joan.

The same huge and loving hugs to you, too...I'm relieved that I'm not the only one. After I posted I thought, "oh my, they're going to think I'm nuts!"

molly muffin

09-17-2016, 02:03 PM

Not nuts at all joan. I clipped some of Mollys before we left and the vet clipped and braided some hair too and tied with a ribbon then into a blue silk bag. It is now in a silver box.

Joan2517

09-17-2016, 02:06 PM

Awww, I wish I had thought of braiding...I didn't want to cut too much, I don't know why as it wouldn't have mattered.

addy

09-17-2016, 06:30 PM

Hi,

I am not on the forum much these days but wanted to stop by and offer a hug. I lost my little girl over two years ago, something has been missing in my life ever since.

There really aren't any wise words I can offer, we all seem to live through the loss and we all react differently.

The one thing I know for sure, without a doubt, is that everyone here understands and will offer support.

Thanks for all the support you have given to Sharlene too and all the others.

I admit to rambling a bit but really just wanted you to know that although we don't know each other, I do cares out your loss.

Joan2517

09-17-2016, 08:04 PM

And I care about yours, too...and I don't think you're rambling. Sometimes we just need to spill it all out...and this is the place to go.

Two years, such a long time. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine my being without Lee for two years. It's only been seven months this coming Monday and it feels like forever to me.

Squirt's Mom

09-18-2016, 09:04 AM

This is the place to come and I think it's because of two major bonds here. One is that we who come here KNOW what it means to really and truly love an animal, to see our babies as part of our family and as our children. Two we can comprehend the depth of pain and agony when we lose a baby in a way most people never could; they aren't capable but we are because we are the blessed. In spite of that pain we will all face one day, we are the blessed.

Hugs,
Leslie and the gang

Joan2517

09-18-2016, 09:21 AM

Absolutely, Leslie! And am so glad and feel so blessed to have found this forum...

Joan2517

09-19-2016, 10:04 PM

My precious, Lee...seven months today. I avoided this all day, but here I am. I miss you all day, every single day. I may get busy doing other things, but you are always in my mind, always in my heart, and I am constantly looking for signs. I love you, Lena, always and forever. It's been so long, and I miss you so much.

I miss it all...the belly farts, dancing to the radio, sitting on the stoop watching the world go by, our trips to PA to visit Marie and Pop, waking me up in the morning licking my face and if I didn't move (even though I was awake) sticking your tongue up my nose, which you knew would do it! Wherever I was, knowing you were watching me. Looking back at pictures, if I was outside you were always at the door keeping your eyes on me.

I loved every second of having you in my life, my sweet little girl, every single second. And I miss you just as much, my precious angel child.

Love, Mommy

Joan2517

09-30-2016, 11:32 AM

Missing you terribly today, Lee. I knocked a bottle off the counter the other night and it landed on my toe and smashed it. It's not broken, but looks disgusting...and I just lost it that night. I cried and screamed into my pillow for hours before I finally fell asleep...I think it has been building up in me for weeks and the pain in my toe just gave me permission to let it all out.

So the next day, not only did my toe hurt, but I had a splitting headache as well. I don't care, it felt good to scream and cry because in my head that's what I'm doing all the time anyway.

It's 32 weeks today and I have missed you every day, all day. You are my angel, my precious angel, and will always be. Mommy loves you, darling girl...and always will, my little Lena. I passed Safe Haven signs on my way to work this morning (I do every morning), but today I really noticed them. And it made me realize that you are in God's hands...that's what the picture on the sign is...a little baby's head resting in a hand...I think it was a sign from you to me, I hope it was.

molly muffin

10-02-2016, 09:08 PM

Oh Joan, ouch. It's surprising sometimes what sets us off down that path of grief and pain. It's okay though, it's all normal.
I do just fine for quite a few days and then bham something will hit me in the heart and that is it till I get through it.
The good thing is that we have other wonderful things in our lives so that when those painful moments do hit us, we can get through them and focus once again on all the good things around us.
It sure does seem to come at the most unexpected times though.

Joan2517

10-03-2016, 01:28 PM

I know...I had felt it coming, but just kept telling myself "not now".

Yesterday the grandsons were over and we started decorating for Halloween, that brought on tears. Lena loved Halloween! I have so many pictures of her in her Halloween t-shirt and posed in front of, or in the decorations. She would have been so happy to be outside with the boys, watching...so I did do some smiling.

But they had fun and I have bought Sibbie a couple of costumes. She does not like some of our decorations, though. My Josh is a ghoul and the scarier, the bloodier, the better...and she wound up barking at everything that she saw...I fear she will not like sitting on the stoop helping me hand out candy like Lena did!

I am glad you are keeping busy...it really does help. I hope Daniel is doing good, too~

Harley PoMMom

10-03-2016, 03:13 PM

Sending healing energy for your toe along with huge loving hugs for you.

Joan2517

10-03-2016, 03:49 PM

Thanks~ It looks gross, but feels better :)

molly muffin

10-04-2016, 09:36 PM

OUCH! Glad it feels better at least!

Joan2517

10-06-2016, 11:05 AM

Another beautiful one from Leslie, Lena....

Guardian Angel of Pets

Hello. I've been expecting you for quite some time.
Here, come sit beside us for a while .
and let me tell you about this old friend of mine.
She might look tattered or maybe old
But I won't say goodbye until you've been told.
She had the brightest eyes I had ever seen,
And wore a beautiful fur coat that would out shine a queen .
She was never prissy but walked with an aire ......
And oh so polite, you could take her most anywhere.
She could run like the wind and could catch anything she chased
But she protected and sat with me when I had problems to face.
You could not find a friend nearly so dear.
Because no matter the trouble she always stayed near...
She has never asked for much from me;
Just to love and respect her and I think you'll agree .
To give her a good meal plus a nice warm bed is not much to ask
When she has given me all her love and to her this was no task.
Now I understand you have a schedule to keep.
But I have a small favor before she nods off to sleep.
Please fold your wings around her and let her feel young while in no pain.
Dear Guardian Angel of Pets,
please keep her safe and happy until I see her again.

By Ginger Patton

Joan2517

10-19-2016, 12:05 PM

Today marks 8 months that you have been gone, Lee...such a very long time. I still think of you every day, my little angel child, and it still hurts...my heart actually hurts.

I saw something on Facebook about "A Goodbye Letter to My Human" and it was so touching, and of course I cried through it. I don't know how to post the link here.

An Iris started to grow a couple of weeks ago and just opened up. It is white with a hint of lavender. They shouldn't be growing now at all, so we named it Lena's Iris. It's down on the courtyard where you liked to take your morning garden strolls. I miss seeing you taking that walk with Doree following close behind. The two little girls exploring what must have seemed huge to the both of you. Doree walks it now with Sibbie following her, and annoying her. I can tell where they are by Doree's growling. I think Doree must miss you at those times. She won't cuddle up to Sibbie like she used to do with you. She might be lonely...Cooper is the only one who can sit next to her.

Yesterday I was laying on the couch and crying thinking of how much I miss you and that yesterday was 8 months since you were alive and the last day that you were home with us. And as I was crying, Gable who was sleeping on the floor next to me, started to dream and cry in his sleep...it was so weird. I don't know if he was picking up on my sadness, or if somehow he knew, and was sad also. He has aged so much since you left us, Lena.

And then Sibbie got off the chair she was on and came over and climbed up on the couch and wanted me to pet her while she stood on my chest and kissed me...so unlike her, but it made me smile through my tears.

I don't want to do anything today except think of you and look at all the pictures I have been finding and moving to a folder on my computer. I miss you so much, Lee. My heart is still shattered and won't go back together. I'm trying, but I can't get over your leaving me. I just never let myself think that it would happen, and now that it has, I can't accept it.

I love them all, and am trying to spend more time with them, so I might not have as many regrets. But I know we were together all the time. When you were a baby, me and Daddy took turns taking you with us when there were times you might be alone. I took you to work, he took you to the doctors or dentist; Jeremy was living home; you came to Williamsburg; to PA; all family get togethers. So I don't know why I feel like we didn't. Maybe because it just wasn't long enough...it could never be long enough. I miss seeing you first thing in the morning, first thing when I get home from work, and the last thing before I go to sleep.

I miss you constantly, my sweet, darling angel child. Mommy loves you forever, Lena....

Whiskey's Mom

10-19-2016, 06:19 PM

Dear Joan, my heart breaks for you. I know how much you miss Lee. Thankfully you have so many wonderful memories with her. I love how you say She loved the holidays, Whiskey does too! When I tell non-dog people that they think I'm nuts. How sad for them.
I wish you peace and comfort.

Joan2517

10-19-2016, 07:00 PM

Thank you...that is so sad for them. Besides children, there is no better feeling than watching our fur babies get into the holidays and enjoy them as much as we do. Does Whiskey dress up for Halloween?

molly muffin

10-21-2016, 10:55 PM

Thinking of you Joan! Those moments that hit so profound can be really hard to get through.

HUGS

Joan2517

10-22-2016, 08:55 AM

They are, Sharlene...sometimes I just can't believe how hard they hit. It's like a wave of sadness and rage comes over me. I've never felt like this before...maybe it's just because I'm getting old, and I thought she and I would spend our twilight years together. Of course, she would've had to live to be about 40 for that!

You were busy last night...I saw all your posts when I opened my computer a little while ago.

Joan2517

10-26-2016, 02:54 PM

Another beautiful one from Leslie, Lee....

An Inseparable Pair
Anonymous

I miss you so much, my four-legged friend
I ask myself each day, if the pain will ever end
Your loss is so hard, for one person to bear
Because we were a team, an inseparable pair

You were by my side, when I got up each day
Waiting so patiently, to go out to play
You were there each night, when I got home
Waiting to go to the park, where you could roam

You always knew, if I was having a bad day
So you'd snuggle up close, and try to get me to play
If that didn't work, you'd put your head in my lap
Then make yourself comfortable, and take a nap

One way or another, you would brighten my day
Like only you could, you had a special way
You gave me a lifetime of memories to hold
Through all the years ahead, till I am gray and old

I promise I'll see you, again one day
When we'll be together again, to go run and play
Your loss is a cross I will just have to bear
Because you and I know, we were an inseparable pair

Joan2517

10-31-2016, 10:21 PM

My first Halloween in 13 years without you, my precious. It just wasn't the same, Lee. Sibbie was good, restless at first, but settled down after a while. You and I would sit there for hours, until it slowed down. You just enjoyed sitting with me and watching.

It was hard and I started to cry and then Sibbie turned around and started kissing me and I knew you were with us. Josh and Alex came and she got all excited, the way you used to. We went in after a couple of hours...I tried, but it was too sad for me. I wanted Sibbie to continue our tradition and we did okay. Maybe it will be better next year, we'll see.

But this is the beginning of all our holidays, Lena, and each one will be hard to deal with and accept that you are gone. I'll decorate, cook and smile, but my heart will hurt and I will be thinking of you the whole time and wishing that you were still here with us, and not just in our memories. You will always be in my heart, Lena...always and forever.

apollo6

11-01-2016, 12:46 AM

sending you love and support. When you have loved such an angel it is hard.
Love Sonja and Apollo

Joan2517

11-01-2016, 07:25 AM

Thank you, Sonja. It is, isn't it...and so hard to talk about with anyone, except here where it is perfectly natural to continue to grieve...no end date, no "you should be over it by now".

My sister cried for a year when the old dog that she inherited from a friend of mine who she used to dog sit for, died. She only had her for a couple of years, but was having such a hard time accepting her death...even she doesn't want to hear me and I get that look. I may have to remind her of that year that I listened and cried with her every time she needed to.

I am so glad I found this forum, my safe haven, where I can talk about Lee and listen to all of you talk about your babies and know that what I'm feeling is okay.

molly muffin

11-02-2016, 04:48 PM

Halloween was definitely weirder this year without molly. I can relate to that.
In fact, other than taking our grandson out and meeting up with a few neighbors, I wasn't at all interested in the whole trick or treat thing this year.
We attended parties and had fun, did the office party thing, but when the door bell rang or was knocked on and there was no molly to raise hell, I didn't even want to go over. My husband and daughter basically opened the door all night and I avoided the area.
Our lives are changing without molly and I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Probably a bit of both.
I do sympathize Joan. it just sucks in a very basic sort of way.

Joan2517

11-02-2016, 05:00 PM

I know, Sharlene...it must be so hard for you not having other four-legged creatures around to distract once in a while. I don't know how I could cope with complete silence, even though Lee hardly ever barked (unless she wanted something).

Maybe its a good thing that your family has moved in with you at this time...grandkids are a great distraction! When I'm busy with my two, I can't dwell and have to pay attention, but she is never completely out of my thoughts...everything is before and after Lena.

I'm dreading Thanksgiving....

molly muffin

11-02-2016, 05:55 PM

It is good that the family is here. Never a dull moment. More likely is, are there any quiet moments. :)
Cats carrying on, baby everything, multiple dinners, cooking, clean ups always on going it seems. Just in general, family chaos, as is normal. It does leave me looking to find some quiet spot to hide out and have some me time, but those aren't actually very abundant in this house.
I was asked again today if we are getting another dog soon. I was like not right now, maybe later. Just too much of everything here right now for me to even think about it, although I do check the rescues often. ;)

Joan2517

11-25-2016, 12:02 AM

Happy Thanksgiving in Heaven, my precious. You were missed today, Lee...so much. Gable guarded the turkey cooking in the oven for you...he also stuck close to me, watching. I made it through the day without crying. I did cry myself to sleep last night and woke up with a terrible headache and swollen eyes, but your father never noticed and by the time everyone got here, no one could tell.

Matthew missed you and even though he thinks Sibbie is adorable, he did say that there would never be another you; that you were one of a kind; and that he missed his "little friend". That made me so sad because you always let him hold you and you were always so comfortable in his arms...I know he misses you.

You were right here though...in the big room with us. I kept busy and knew I would write to you after everyone left. My first Thanksgiving in 15 years without you. If you were still here, we would be on the couch together in a turkey coma...you would wait for me to finish cleaning up and then we would cuddle up and watch TV or read. I am on the couch now, with the TV on and missing you, Lena.

You always made me happy; everything was okay as long as you were with me. It's different now. I still do what I have to do, but my heart is just not in it. I'm tired all the time from crying or trying not to cry.

I looked at last year's pictures and after dinner you were sleeping in the bed in the hallway, not joining us at the table. Even in the picture of you and Matt I can see now that you looked different. You weren't feeling well and staying by yourself a lot. One more thing that went unnoticed.

I love you with all my heart, Lee...and I always will, my precious little angel child. Love, Mommy...

DoxieMama

11-25-2016, 08:25 AM

Beautiful memories, Joan. I hope they provide you some comfort.

Hugs.

Joan2517

11-25-2016, 09:29 AM

Thank you, Shana...I hope the same for you.

Harley PoMMom

11-25-2016, 10:17 AM

(((((Hugs)))))

molly muffin

11-25-2016, 07:20 PM

yes those are beautiful memories Joan and ones that you will always have. You hold them in our heart and bring them out when you need to, like a heart photo album.

Joan2517

12-20-2016, 11:22 AM

Yesterday was 10 months, my precious baby...such a long time. I miss you so much, Lee. This is Christmas week and it just does not feel the same. I'm trying.

The new tree is up and decorated. I'm making shortbreads. The front of the house is decorated...we used to stand outside and just look, remember? I bought a pretty flag for the front lawn. Father Christmas surrounded by poodles and he's holding a little white one who looks just like you, and he's holding her just the way I used to hold you. When I bid on it from the online auction, I didn't notice that. I liked it because of the poodles, but also there was a red one who looked like Sibbie.

When I opened it, I couldn't believe my eyes..there you were. I know I didn't see you when I bid on it or I would've been frantically waiting for it. Truth is, I almost forgot about it. So now when I come home or leave the house, there you are...watching for me the way you used to.

So I'm at my desk crying...no one is here except for Savitre and she has gotten used to hearing me crying for you. It is going to be a tough week, my sweet, little girl. Mommy misses you all the time...I'm trying, Lee. I love you always and forever, my precious, little angel child.

Whiskey's Mom

12-21-2016, 06:28 AM

Thinking of you Joan. Love love love the story about the Christmas flag. Hugs from us.

Joan2517

12-21-2016, 07:50 AM

Thanks, Annie...hugs to you and Whiskey as well!

mommyslittlegirl

12-23-2016, 01:17 PM

Sending you a big hug Joan. What a wonderful surprise. Father Christmas holding a sweet white poodle that looks just like your precious Lena. Lena is always with you.

molly muffin

12-24-2016, 11:52 PM

What a special flag that will be and each time you see it, you will think of Lena.

I hope you have a wonderful christmas holiday. It may not be the same, but I still hope its pretty wonderful!

Joan2517

12-25-2016, 12:02 AM

I hope the same for you, Sharlene. I am thinking of all of you and how very much I appreciate having you in my life. I don't know how I would have gotten through these last 10 months without you.

Merry Christmas...

molly muffin

12-28-2016, 04:42 PM

Hugs Joan! I know exactly what you mean

Joan2517

01-01-2017, 09:24 AM

Happy New Year in Heaven, my precious...I can't believe we are beginning a new year without you. It doesn't seem right. Me and Daddy just watched a movie last night and it ended after 12:00. I almost forgot about it being New Year's Eve, but then all the fireworks started. Cooper got hysterical and started shaking, Sibbie started barking and was also afraid, but Gable seemed very calm this year. I had to hug poor Cooper and Sibbie until they calmed down.

The fireworks never bothered you...you were never afraid of anything, Lee, always confident that nothing would hurt you; that you were safe and Mommy and Daddy would take care of and protect you. If only we could have protected you from Cushing's...

I couldn't say Happy New Year to Dad...all I could do was cry. I held it together all day, but leaving 2016 felt like I was leaving you behind.

We are all on the couch this morning, everyone is in their spots. Your spot behind me on the arm of the couch is still empty...none of them have ever taken it. It's like they know that it is off limits. It will always be your space, Lena, by my shoulder where I would lean back and kiss you, listen to you breathe and breathe in your scent.

Josh made avocado rolls at their house last night. You would have loved that. You did love avocado! And fruit...how you loved your fruit! You and your Dad, always trying out these weird, exotic fruits...Lychee was your all-time favorite until Dad discovered Jack fruit a couple of years ago. I think Daddy really misses you when he's eating fruit and you're not at his feet waiting for some, or when he comes home with some new one and you aren't here to taste it with him. He always says that "Lee would've loved this one".

We miss so you so much, Lena...Happy New Year, my precious angel. Mommy loves you always and forever...

molly muffin

01-09-2017, 10:43 PM

Hey Joan, just popping in to say howdy and a Happy New Year.
What beautiful memories of Lena.

budindian

01-18-2017, 04:05 PM

Happy New Year, its been a while since I visited. I felt like my grief was bringing you down but I see it is still hard for you also. I was talking with my sister about this because I'm still missing my Bandit to, I told her I don't know what it was about him but I can't seem to let go. I guess like Lena, Bandit was my baby and I knew something was different about him the first time I saw him. I hope we feel better as this year goes on, I know I am glad 2016 is gone it was such a sad year.

Joan2517

01-18-2017, 04:50 PM

I'm so happy to hear from you! Happy New Year to you, too! No, you were not bringing me down. I can't get over Lena either. Your right about that special one...from the moment I saw her, and she wasn't even supposed to be mine. My husband got her for himself.

I've been thinking also of how I just can't move on...and I really don't care. I don't want to forget her; I don't want to just accept the fact that she's not here anymore. Tomorrow will be 11 months and I've missed her every single day. I don't cry as much, but when I do, I really do...and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I do find myself smiling sometimes when I think of her and the things she used to do...smiling, crying all rolled into one.

I love the rest of them and Sibbie is a joy! She makes me laugh and does distract me, but it doesn't change how much I loved or miss Lena. I couldn't even celebrate Sibbie's first birthday because it was 10 months to the day that Lena died. I felt terrible, but I just could not do it. I took her shopping and let her pick out some toys, but that was as much as I could do.

I hope that Sammy and Betty are making you happy in whatever way they can. Please visit once in a while so I know you are okay. I wish you a better new year and hope we both find peace with the loss of our darling babies.

Love,
Joan

budindian

01-31-2017, 02:41 PM

I will try to come visit more often, it seems to be getting easier to come to this site, as long as I don't read to much about other babies and this horrible disease. I'm with you I don't want to forget and I don't want to move on if that means forgetting my baby.
Betty is getting older and I just took her to get her teeth cleaned, it was very hard to do because that is when I found out Bandit had cushings is when I took him for his teeth cleaning. I was worried until I picked her up but she is fine. Sammy makes me laugh a lot he is just a crazy little dog. I love him and Betty but its just not the same. I'm glad you are doing ok. I will be checking back , its coming up on a year for us both.

budindian

01-31-2017, 02:51 PM

I wish I could just skip February.

Joan2517

01-31-2017, 02:55 PM

Same thing with Lee...two weeks after getting her teeth cleaned and some pulled, was when the symptoms just seemed to accelerate to where it wasn't my imagination anymore, and her blood work came back so bad. And she was fine after the procedure. I was so worried about putting her out at her age, but when I got home from work, she was busy eating.

I am dreading the one year anniversary...I've been crying to and from work for weeks now. I still feel like someone has punched me in the stomach when I think about her being gone. I still can't talk about her without crying. I miss her every single day.

Joan2517

01-31-2017, 02:57 PM

Me, too...2016 was definitely one of my worst years...

Everything is still before and after Lena...

molly muffin

02-02-2017, 06:16 PM

I understand that Joan, the before and after. :( 2016 wasn't a fab year for many of us. I think we all would rather just move away from it. Unfortunately emotions don't get board with that when we want them to

Joan2517

02-03-2017, 07:09 AM

You're so right, Sharlene. I wish we could go back...I can't believe I haven't seen or held her in almost a year.

DoxieMama

02-03-2017, 07:41 AM

Group hugs, for everyone! I could use a hug right about now...

Joan2517

02-03-2017, 09:26 AM

Here's one from me <HUG>

Harley PoMMom

02-03-2017, 10:15 AM

(((Hugs)))

Joan2517

02-19-2017, 10:54 PM

My precious, Lena...it has been one long year today. One year...and I have cried every day. I miss you so much, Lee.

Josh is in the hospital again, just like this time last year. That Sunday after you died, I had to watch Alex because Jess was at the hospital with Josh. Thank God Jeremy came because I was in such shock over you dying that I could not have watched him by myself. All I remember of that day, and most after, was just sitting or lying on the couch.

After he left today, I sat outside with Daddy. It was such a beautiful day and I thought of how much you loved sitting on the deck watching everything, taking your little strolls along the paths, watching you investigate every bush, plant and the ponds. I could almost see you hopping up the one step into the rose garden and then hopping down and making your way back to us on the deck. I would sit on the step and you would sit in my lap facing the garden and we would just watch. I always loved those moments. I have so many pictures of you sitting on my legs facing out.

It is still so strange without you, my baby girl. I posted some pictures of you in Williamsburg on their Facebook page. I'm hoping that someone will remember you and our trip that year. You were such a big hit...everyone wanted to meet "Princess Lena".

Every memory of every occasion that I can remember, you were part of. You were such a presence in our lives, Lee.

One year and not a day goes by that I don't think of you and miss you. You are forever in my heart and mind. I talk to you constantly in my head, sometimes out loud. My first thought when I wake is of you as is my last before I sleep.

I was driving to work one day and thinking about that night and wondering...were you waiting for me? wondering where I was?
were you afraid? And I looked at the car ahead of me and there on the license plate was "JoeFixIt". I hoped that you were telling me that Pop was taking care of you because no one in Heaven would be calling him Pop, they would be calling him Joe...I hope so.

There will be no more "firsts" after today. They've all been so hard. I've dreaded each one.

I love you forever and always, my precious, angel child...Mommy will always love you...you are my heart.

molly muffin

02-19-2017, 11:00 PM

Hugs Joan. There are no words, just tears and hugs.

Joan2517

02-20-2017, 10:09 AM

I know, Sharlene...hugs right back at you.

Squirt's Mom

02-20-2017, 10:59 AM

((((((((Sobby hugs from me, too.)))))))))

mommyslittlegirl

02-20-2017, 12:00 PM

Joan, the first year is so very hard, filled with tears and memories. Most are precious and beautiful. All a part of the life you and Lena shared. Hugs

DoxieMama

02-20-2017, 12:49 PM

Whiskey's Mom

02-20-2017, 03:14 PM

Joan2517

02-21-2017, 12:33 PM

((((((((Sobby hugs from me, too.)))))))))

Thanks, Leslie...I was hoping they would start to subside, but alas, not yet...

Joan2517

02-21-2017, 12:39 PM

Joan, the first year is so very hard, filled with tears and memories. Most are precious and beautiful. All a part of the life you and Lena shared. Hugs

I do smile more when I think of her, Dawn...sometimes without realizing it. I'll picture her sweet little face and the way her ears would go down when she saw me and a smile will start. She always made me smile, and she knew it. I hope you are doing okay...

Joan2517

02-21-2017, 12:46 PM

Dear Joan, thinking of you with much love and comforting hugs. As I said in Whiskeys thread, they are woven into every fiber of the fabric of our lives. Such a part of everything we do, every single day. Bless you, and your family, and take comfort from your other pups and all of us here who care about you. Lena is watching over you all.

I know, Annie...the rest of them do bring me comfort, especially my Gable and Sibbles. Cooper is oblivious to anything but being happy that he is in a home with other dogs and not in a cage anymore. He's happy all the time, he doesn't even care if I get mad at him when he marks in the house...it's like, oh well, she won't be mad for long, LET'S PLAY!! And Doree is getting old, she's going to be 13 or 14 and is slowing down and pretty cranky when the rest of them bother her.

I just wish they could be with us longer...I hate knowing someday I will lose them.

Joan2517

02-21-2017, 12:55 PM

Lena... thank you for watching over your mommy this past year. You know how beautiful and loving she is, and how strong... and just when to send her the right message to give her more strength when she needs it. You are a bright star for her, today and always.

Joan... much love to you, my friend.

You're sweet, Shana. She is my shining star. There is this little cluster of stars that I always used to see when we lived in Kings Point. I used to point it out to Lee, she would look up, but I know she didn't see it (we pretended that she did :) ). Since we moved to Glen Cove 13 years ago, I have had a hard time finding it. I don't know why, it couldn't possibly have disappeared. But I finally found it the other night, the one year anniversary. I let the dogs out in the back on this beautiful, clear night, and looked up and there it was.

It's been a hard year for so many of us. Every year is a hard year for so many of us...much love back to you, dear Shana~

Joan2517

02-22-2017, 11:30 AM

Another one from Leslie, Lena...

Remember Our Love

I was chosen today
I'm learning to fly
the world took me away,
but please don't you cry

And I chose you today
to try and be strong
so please don't you cry
and don't say that I'm gone

When you're feeling alone
just remember our love,
I'm up near the stars
looking down from above.

Remember our love
In a moment you'll see
that I'm still here beside you
when you're thinking of me.

Julie Epp

Joan2517

03-08-2017, 12:29 PM

Another one for you, my precious....I was remembering the other day how you used to sigh when I picked you up and held you to my heart, Lee. We'd look out the window together and you would just settle in and we would be one. I miss that so much. Sibbie doesn't like to be held. I could rock you in my arms for hours, dance around to our favorite music. I found the little front carrier I had for you when you were a baby. You faced out and would watch me cook, do the dishes, clean. It was so small! You were a teeny little thing, my teeny little baby, my angel child. I love you, Lee.

Tribute To A Best Friend

Sunlight streams through window pane
unto a spot on the floor....
then I remember,
it's where you used to lie,
but now you are no more.
Our feet walk down a hall of carpet,
and muted echoes sound....
then I remember,
It's where your paws would joyously abound.
A voice is heard along the road,
and up beyond the hill,
then I remember it can't be yours....
your golden voice is still.
But I'll take that vacant spot of floor
and empty muted hall
and lay them with the absent voice
and unused dish along the wall.
I'll wrap these treasured memorials
in a blanket of my love
and keep them for my best friend
until we meet above.

Author Unknown

mommyslittlegirl

03-08-2017, 07:21 PM

Joan, my baby did the same thing. I think the sigh was a sign of contentment. A feeling of being loved. Safe in your loving arms. So many precious memories of your sweet baby.

Joan2517

03-08-2017, 10:32 PM

Didn't you just love that, Dawn? She would do it and then I would do it...and she'd sink right in to my chest. Sibbie will lay on my legs or next to me, and if I pet her, she will do it...but it's not the same. Maybe she will someday...I miss Lee.

mommyslittlegirl

03-10-2017, 05:08 PM

Yes, I did Joan. I treasure all the things we shared. I miss everything about her. I know how much you miss your Lena. . I feel the same way about my baby. Days pass but the missing remains the same.

Joan2517

03-10-2017, 05:17 PM

I know, Dawn...some days I just can't function, I miss her so much.
It still hits me like a punch in the stomach. I can not believe that she is gone and I can't hold or see her anymore.

I love the rest of them, and all the others who went before, but she was the one, she was my baby and I miss her all the time....

apollo6

03-12-2017, 02:01 PM

Dear Joan my heart aches for you. We all have are one and only. Lena was such a sweet heart. She is in your soul your heart and every breath you take. Four years since Apollo died and I miss him every day.
Love Sonja and Apollo

molly muffin

03-12-2017, 03:18 PM

Joan, I use the stars to talk to molly and to my mom. They just seem to always be a point of reference for me when I need that connection.

Joan2517

03-19-2017, 08:06 PM

Happy Birthday, my precious Lena...you would have been 16 years old today. I can't believe this is your second birthday being gone. We just dropped the boys off and I finally have a chance to talk to you.

I dreamt about you last night...something about you being in a carrier and me carrying you around with me. I tried to remember it, but it faded away before I could get a grasp...I just know you were with me. You were in the forefront of my thoughts all day even though I was busy with the boys.

I had lunch with Cathy and Marie yesterday and tried to have a conversation about you, but of course I wound up crying and couldn't really express myself through my sobbing. It made my mother sad, even though she doesn't remember you anymore. We looked at your baby pictures and reminisced.

I still miss you terribly, Lee. Sometimes when Sibbie is sitting on me, I close my eyes and will her to be white, but when I open them, she's still red. I don't want her to stay white, I just want to see you for a second or so.

I miss you, my darling baby...every second of every day. Be nice to Phoenix, let Temujin, Ahmoon, Marcel and Mister Bear cuddle up with you, and stay close to Andee. Kiss them all for me, too. You are all on my mind and in my heart.

Mommy loves you now and forever, Lena, my sweet, little angel child; my heart...

Harley PoMMom

03-20-2017, 02:31 PM

Happy Birthday, dear Lena!

DoxieMama

03-20-2017, 02:44 PM

Happy birthday, Lena!!

Whiskey's Mom

03-20-2017, 05:32 PM

Happy Birthday, sweet Lena!

labblab

03-20-2017, 07:18 PM

Sweetie Lena, thinking of both you and your mom on this most important day.

Super big hugs heading to you, Joan ~
Marianne

mommyslittlegirl

03-20-2017, 07:21 PM

Happy 16th Birthday little Lena . Joan, I also have had dreams of my sweet baby. I like to think they come to us in dreams. To let us know they are still with us.

Joan2517

03-21-2017, 10:48 AM

Another beauty from Leslie, Lena...

Rainbow Bridge: Sequel To The Original

Oh, when we get to Heaven
We hope that we will find
The souls that once we loved
Who left us all behind.

Some left us at the right time
They left this world in peace
Others left too sudden
Without the chance to say Goodbye,
They were gone before we had
The chance to even cry.

There's a special place for grownups
A special place for kids
Me? I'll be on the other side
The side called Rainbow Bridge.

Across the dark green meadow
A'top the hills I'll run
Where the colors from the rainbow
Glitter from the sun.

And there I'll find my sweetheart
Running fast toward me
In my arms where she belongs
for all eternity.

Jean McColgan

molly muffin

03-23-2017, 07:04 PM

Oh I missed Lena's birthday!!! Happy Birthday Lena!!

Joan2517

04-07-2017, 10:41 AM

Another from Leslie, Lee....

Your Pet In Heaven
by Ken D. Conover

To have loved and then said farewell, is better than to have never loved at all.
For all of the times that you have stooped and touched my head, fed me my favorite treat and returned the love that I so unconditionally gave to you. For the care that you gave to me so unselfishly. For all of these things I am grateful and thankful.

I ask that you not grieve for the loss, but rejoice in the fact that we lived, loved and touched each others lives. My life was fuller because you were there, not as a master/owner, but as my FRIEND.

Today I am as I was in my youth. The grass is always green, butterflies flit among the flowers and the Sun shines gently down upon all of God's creatures. I can run, jump, play and do all of the things that I did in my youth. There is no sickness, no aching joints and no regrets and no aging.

We await the arrival of our lifelong companions and know that togetherness is forever. You live in our hearts as we do in yours. Companions such as you are so rare and unique.

Don't hold the love that you have within yourself. Give it to another like me and then I will live forever. For love never really dies, and you are loved and missed as surely as we are.

Your Pet In Heaven,

Joan2517

04-16-2017, 10:00 PM

Happy Easter, my sweet angel...you were missed and talked about today. Last Easter I couldn't talk without sobbing, but this year I could get the words out. It was nice to be able to tell stories and have everyone do the same. Matthew missed holding you, Sibbie doesn't let anyone hold her. You always looked so comfortable in Matt's arms and he loved walking around with you. He remembered holding you that last Christmas...he misses his little friend.

Holidays are different now, I always think of when you were here with us. You so loved Daddy's Easter lamb. And brunch...omelets, scrambled eggs, bagels and the meat pie. You used to eat so much then find a soft bed and sleep it off...I would find you and kiss your belly, but you were so stuffed that you would sigh and continue to sleep. I miss that.

I still reach out and touch the spot on the bed where you used to sleep, just like I used to and pretend you're still there. I miss you, Lena...always.

Mommy misses you and I love you forever, my precious angel child, my baby, my Lee.

Joan2517

04-19-2017, 01:11 PM

One year and two months today, Lee...and guess what comes on the radio this morning? Steve Winwood's Higher Love. One of our favorite songs to dance to...I used to turn it up loud and I'd pick you up and we would dance around the family room, lost in the music with you in my arms, your head under my chin. Even when you lost your hearing, you would still come running when I started dancing to the music...then Dust in the Wind came on and I cried the whole way to work.

Some days it is still too unbearable, unbelievable and unfair...you were such a good girl, always...

Mommy loves you now and forever, my precious little angel child.

Harley PoMMom

04-19-2017, 02:31 PM

((((((Hugs))))))

Whiskey's Mom

04-19-2017, 06:41 PM

Thinking of you Joan, and sending love and comfort your way.

molly muffin

04-19-2017, 07:21 PM

Sending you great big HUGS!

Those moments are so precious and the memories you made will last a lifetime.

Joan2517

04-20-2017, 07:12 AM

Thanks for the hugs, all! Funny how a memory sets the tone for the day...so many of them come flooding back.

mommyslittlegirl

04-20-2017, 12:31 PM

Oh Joan, the memories of our babies are so very precious. Always and forever in our heart and mind. You are so right. A sudden memory can really set the tone for the day or a night. The songs Through The Years and If Tomorrow Never Comes can start a flood of tears with me. . But the memories keep our babies alive. Most bring joy and smiles to our face. They represent a time of love and happiness. Sending you a big hug.

Joan2517

04-20-2017, 12:33 PM

You're so right, Dawn....

Squirt's Mom

04-20-2017, 01:08 PM

I still have two meals I cooked for Squirt in the freezer, her last two. The package gets buried with all the other things in there but from time to time I see it or take it out thinking it's something else and fall to pieces when I realize what it is. I don't think I will ever be able to toss them out. So much of my time the last 7 years of her life was cooking for her and she would sit and stare, licking her lips, most of the time. She knew what all that activity meant. So many memories tied up in two freezer-burned baggies of dog food.

Yeah, I know what you felt, as do so many of us here. It is one of the things that binds us so closely. :)

Joan2517

04-20-2017, 01:34 PM

I still have all her meds...I can't throw them away, they have her name on them. All the dog beds that she used are still where she liked them. If the rest of them want to lay on them, they can, but they are not to be moved (or chewed by Sibbie!).

We're a sentimental bunch, aren't we?

Budsters Mom

04-20-2017, 02:53 PM

I still have all of Buddy's meds too, along with his all of his files and tests. It's been almost 4 years. I may never be ready to part with them.

Joan2517

04-20-2017, 03:52 PM

Yep, I have all of Lee's, too, Kathy...I'm going to get a little trunk or suitcase and put all of her things in it.

Joan2517

05-20-2017, 09:17 AM

Hello, my precious. Yesterday was 15 months since you left me. I was so busy at work that I couldn't write, but you know I was thinking of you all day, crying, smiling, missing you so much. Dad came home early and we sat in the gazebo looking at the sky, hoping we would see you in a cloud formation, but you weren't there.

After I picked up Sibbie, I had to go to Aunt Gerry's to drop some papers off and as I was stopped at a light on Plandome Road, a robin landed in the road next to me and skipped over to the car and just stared at me...I knew it was a sign from you. Then the light changed and all the cars were heading towards him and I told him to move and he did. Would've been a terrible sign if he got run over, Lee.

There are still days I can't accept that you're gone...I never thought you would leave me. I know that sounds silly, but I just would never think about it. Even as panic stricken as I got when you got sicker, I still thought you would be alright.

I miss your sweet, little face. I miss picking you up and holding you in front of me and kissing your belly. I miss the way you would turn around and face away from me so I could pick you up...I wonder how you learned that. None of the others do that. I miss the way you used to go down the stairs, lifting your left back leg up and skipping every few steps...

You were my joy, Lena, and I still miss you terribly and I've been having Lena days all week. The rest of them are all asleep on the couch with me, except for Gabe, who is sleeping on the ottoman. I dread the days that I'm going to lose them too, but I know you'll be there to greet them and I know they will be so happy to see you again, especially Gable.

I love you with all my heart, Lena...I always will. Now and forever, my precious, little angel child...Mommy loves you.

Harley PoMMom

05-20-2017, 11:16 AM

Sending tons of loving hugs...

Whiskey's Mom

05-20-2017, 06:19 PM

Hugs from us too. It hurts. So terribly.

mommyslittlegirl

05-20-2017, 06:38 PM

I know Joan. I still have a hard time accepting my baby is gone. Like you I never thought my baby would leave me, even when she got real bad. Maybe we don`t see what we choose not to see. But you loved her, she was your everything. Its normal to have many Lena days. Thinking of you.

Joan2517

05-20-2017, 07:18 PM

Yes, some days are harder than others...and we've all been there, we all know the heartache. Hugs to us all...

liltara

05-22-2017, 07:17 AM

Oh Joan, we all understand the pain and I am sending you love and kindness across the miles.

molly muffin

05-22-2017, 09:16 PM

Oh Joan, 15 month, 24 months I think we will just always miss our soul dogs.
They are super special to us and to our hearts. They teach us and share so much with us.

Sending you great big hugs

Joan2517

05-22-2017, 11:57 PM

I know, Sharlene...some days are harder than others. Bad week...so many reasons, which I won't go into just yet.

Joan2517

06-14-2017, 04:41 PM

Hi again, Joan. I just want to assure you that you have plenty of company on the "guilt train." :o :o

In retrospect, I now believe my own Cushpup was suffering from observable symptoms for probably two years prior to diagnosis. But taken in isolation, none of them made any particular sense to me since I was totally unfamiliar with the disease. So I didn't even know to mention some of the subtle changes to my vet, and then after I did, it still took a trip to a specialist to confirm the diagnosis. Cushing's is such an insidious, tough disease to diagnose.

Anyway, moving on...! :)

Thanks so much for typing out all the test results. And yes, it now makes much more sense as to why Lena's dose has been increased, and it will be very interesting to see how this upcoming monitoring ACTH turns out. There is one thing, though, that I want to mention about Lena's diagnostic LDDS test.

Taken alone, this test result actually would be thought to be consistent with the pituitary form of Cushing's rather than the adrenal form. This is because Lena exhibited cortisol suppression at the four-hour mark, such that her Sample 2 result was less than 50% of her initial baseline reading. However, through the benefit of the imaging, we know that she does indeed have an adrenal tumor. Plus, another of our members just reminded us of a 2006 paper in which a leading Cushing's researcher noted that some dogs with adrenal tumors do indeed exhibit that suppression pattern. So, more than anything else, I am just offering this as additional information. I suppose it is remotely possible that Lena might have both a pituitary and adrenal tumor, but even if so, I don't believe that would alter her treatment regimen. So basically, I just wanted to make note of her interesting test result.

Bottom line, I'll definitely be watching for those new test results. And I am certainly wishing you two well!

Marianne

Marianne,

I know this is old, but as of this date, I have not been able to get the ultrasound report from my vet. They can't find it...I have been asking for about a year now. I know it won't matter, but it makes me very suspicious and afraid that there was no tumor.

labblab

06-14-2017, 05:34 PM

Awwwww Joan, unanswered questions are the worst, that's for sure. :o

What excuse is the vet giving you for not providing the ultrasound report? Although there really isn't any excuse for making you wait for a year! :mad:

If it gives you any comfort, though, it probably was a moot point as to whether there was actually an adrenal tumor present as opposed to the Cushing's being pituitary in origin. Trilostane is a recommended treatment for either form of the disease, and her cortisol level was being monitored via ACTH testing. So either way, probably nothing about her treatment would have changed. That's still no excuse for you not being able to find out the facts, but maybe it will give you some peace about the results -- no matter what they were.

Marianne

molly muffin

06-14-2017, 07:33 PM

Really, no excuse for not having the report. It should be in her file. Period.

hugs

Joan2517

06-14-2017, 08:18 PM

They said they can't find it...I'm just so afraid that she didn't have Cushing's and was misdiagnosed. I keep seeing how if anything else is going on, there might be another reason for the cortisol to be high and I'm so afraid that I rushed into treatment and wound up making her last days uncomfortable, to say the least. I know they have to keep records for three years after death and it just upsets me, to the point i want to scream, that they don't have this ONE thing i need to have some closure.

I just want to know I did the right thing. My vet said "we'll give her a pill and she'll be fine". Well, that didn't happen. He should've told me at her age, the damage was already done and to let her go in peace. He never said anything about prednisone and what to watch for.

That's why I am so reluctant to have Gabe tested. I don't want to make a mistake.

I miss Lee so much and I just couldn't bear it if I thought I made the wrong decisions for her.

As you can see, I'm having a Lena day....

molly muffin

06-14-2017, 08:26 PM

Those days happen Joan. (lena days) I think it is always hard to not look back and wonder and second guess ourselves with could we have done this or that instead.
The issue with that is that you don't know for sure that "instead" might have been worse, none of us will ever know and that is the damned if you do and damned if you don't that we live with. :(

I think, in the end, what you have to hold on to, is that, you loved Lena and always did the best for her based upon the knowledge you had at that time. What you know today, you might not have had knowledge of at the time of a decision. We sometimes forget that, especially as you become even more knowledgable over time.
(did that make sense?) I hope so, it sounded like i was all over the place.

Joan2517

06-14-2017, 08:52 PM

No, it makes sense, Sharlene...I just want her back. I think it's this time of year. This is when we got her, that 1 1/2lb of fluff...that baby who needed me....and who plopped into my heart right away, and is still there.

On this site, you all understand. In my "real" world, they don't. I should be over it by now, gotten past it, moved on....

Some days, I can't...and this is one of them. My baby is gone, how on earth can I accept that??

Whiskey's Mom

06-14-2017, 11:15 PM

labblab

06-15-2017, 05:08 PM

Dear Joan,

I know there's probably nothing that anybody can say that will change your doubts and regrets about Lena's Cushing's treatment. But I decided to look back through your thread one more time, and having done so, I think that Sharlene was so wise in what she's just written -- that there's simply no way to know how things would have turned out had you travelled a different path. And truly, things might have been even worse. This is how you described Lena when you first joined us.

She has had symptoms for about a year, I think. They didn't happen all at once, but crept up. The panting, not wanting to cuddle anymore, peeing in the house, slipping on the wood floors, not climbing stairs anymore, drinking a lot of water, eating like crazy; the potbelly, warts, an eye infection, her tail didn't poof after grooming anymore; she was always hot, when she used to love to lounge around on the deck and soak up the sun. Some I went to the vet for, but the rest I thought was just her age.

Goodness, little Lena had so many symptoms of Cushing's, and these were all problems that were robbing her of any decent quality of life :o. Honestly, I don't see how not treating her for Cushing's would have been a viable option for you, Joan. You listed above the outward signs, but we also know that she was suffering from internal Cushing's problems such as high blood pressure which carries so many risks for heart, kidneys, vision, etc. In the end, the vets believe it was a clot or cardiac emergency that prompted her respiratory failure. If so, these are symptoms of the disease and not of the treatment.

I truly do not believe the trilostane was the basis for Lena's problems. Even if we somehow hypothesize that she wasn't truly Cushinoid, she did suffer from abnormally elevated cortisol and that is not a healthy situation on a chronic basis. So taking medication to lower the cortisol would still help to lessen the risks of high blood pressure, clots, etc. Trilostane is even used to treat certain conditions that don't involve elevated cortisol at all.

So in my heart of hearts, I believe you did the right thing by treating her, Joan, and Cushing's or not, I do not believe the trilostane was the culprit here. Instead of the medication, I believe it was a clot, or her lungs, or her heart, and the end might have come even sooner had you not worked as you did to get the cortisol lowered.

Of course you know I'm not a vet, so this is only my personal opinion after following Lena's journey alongside you. But I just felt I had to write these words in the hope they may help you release some part of the guilt you are carrying. I don't believe you made a mistake, Joan. You are a wonderful, loving mom and you gave Lena the best chance that was within your power to grant her. I remain so deeply sorry that she just could not be healed.

Budsters Mom

06-15-2017, 08:48 PM

It really is quite simple and oh so hard at the same time. We all do what we are able with the knowledge and resources we have at the time. It's odd, but I don't go back and relive what I could have done differently with Buddy. I did not let him suffer. That's what he would have wanted. You did your very best for Lena. That's what we all do for our pups. Our heart dogs break our hearts and they don't heal quickly, but maybe they aren't meant to.

Kathy

Joan2517

06-16-2017, 08:04 AM

Dear Joan,

I know there's probably nothing that anybody can say that will change your doubts and regrets about Lena's Cushing's treatment. But I decided to look back through your thread one more time, and having done so, I think that Sharlene was so wise in what she's just written -- that there's simply no way to know how things would have turned out had you travelled a different path. And truly, things might have been even worse. This is how you described Lena when you first joined us.

Goodness, little Lena had so many symptoms of Cushing's, and these were all problems that were robbing her of any decent quality of life :o. Honestly, I don't see how not treating her for Cushing's would have been a viable option for you, Joan. You listed above the outward signs, but we also know that she was suffering from internal Cushing's problems such as high blood pressure which carries so many risks for heart, kidneys, vision, etc. In the end, the vets believe it was a clot or cardiac emergency that prompted her respiratory failure. If so, these are symptoms of the disease and not of the treatment.

I truly do not believe the trilostane was the basis for Lena's problems. Even if we somehow hypothesize that she wasn't truly Cushinoid, she did suffer from abnormally elevated cortisol and that is not a healthy situation on a chronic basis. So taking medication to lower the cortisol would still help to lessen the risks of high blood pressure, clots, etc. Trilostane is even used to treat certain conditions that don't involve elevated cortisol at all.

So in my heart of hearts, I believe you did the right thing by treating her, Joan, and Cushing's or not, I do not believe the trilostane was the culprit here. Instead of the medication, I believe it was a clot, or her lungs, or her heart, and the end might have come even sooner had you not worked as you did to get the cortisol lowered.

Of course you know I'm not a vet, so this is only my personal opinion after following Lena's journey alongside you. But I just felt I had to write these words in the hope they may help you release some part of the guilt you are carrying. I don't believe you made a mistake, Joan. You are a wonderful, loving mom and you gave Lena the best chance that was within your power to grant her. I remain so deeply sorry that she just could not be healed.

Awwww...Thank you, Marianne...for taking the time to reread her thread again and tell me your thoughts. Every time we lose another one here, it just brings me back and I start questioning myself all over again.

Your opinion, and all of the others who are so knowledgeable, do give me some peace...and I really do appreciate it.

Joan2517

06-16-2017, 08:08 AM

Joan2517

06-16-2017, 08:10 AM

Joan I can totally relate to everything you say, and to The responses from Sharlene and Marianne, too. Just like you, I have a lot of unanswered questions about Whiskeys true diagnosis but right or wrong, we both did all we could based on what we knew at the time. Sharlene put it perfectly- that "instead" could have been much worse. We loved our babies and always will, and we want them back. Don't get me wrong-I love all animals, but why do elephants and parrots have such long life spans, & not dogs? So unfair.

I know, Annie...you would think they could live as long. When I think of how many I've lost in my 60 years, it's mind boggling. But I can't imagine not having had them or loving them either. My sister gave me a plaque for Christmas that I will have to post later.

I hope you and the girls are doing okay!

Joan2517

07-03-2017, 07:06 AM

Another one from Leslie, Lee...

I'm Still Here

Friend, please don't mourn for me
I'm still here, though you don't see.
I'm right by your side each night and day
and within your heart I long to stay.

My body is gone but I'm always near.
I'm everything you feel, see or hear.
My spirit is free, but I'll never depart
as long as you keep me alive in your heart.

I'll never wander out of your sight-
I'm the brightest star on a summer night.
I'll never be beyond your reach-
I'm the warm moist sand when you're at the beach.

I'm the colorful leaves when fall comes around
and the pure white snow that blankets the ground.
I'm the beautiful flowers of which you're so fond,
The clear cool water in a quiet pond.

I'm the first bright blossom you'll see in the spring,
The first warm raindrop that April will bring.
I'm the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine,
and you'll see that the face in the moon is mine.

When you start thinking there's no one to love you,
you can talk to me through the Lord above you.
I'll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees,
and you'll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze.

I'm the hot salty tears that flow when you weep
and the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep.
I'm the smile you see on a baby's face.
Just look for me, friend, I'm everyplace!

Author Unknown

I missed you at the boys birthday party yesterday, Lena...you loved the parties so much. Josh had about 9 friends and Alex had 2...you would have loved seeing them all having fun in the pool, the slip and slide and water balloon fights. It was more of a kid party this year. Sibbie stayed home, there were too many kids who wouldn't remember to keep the door closed and she could've gotten out. You would have stayed right with me.

Josh is 9 now, Lee, and Alex is 5. I make sure that we talk about you and look at pictures so they never forget. Josh likes to go through my phone and look at the pictures. Whenever he says "Come here, Grandma, you're going to want to see this." I know he's found one of you...and then we reminisce for a few minutes (well he does, but I continue!)

Missing you always, my sweet angel...not a day goes by that I don't have a million memories floating around in my head trying to get through.

I love you, Lena...now and forever, my sweet angel child.

Mommy

molly muffin

07-03-2017, 10:35 PM

Those poems just hit you right square in the heart. :(

Joan2517

07-04-2017, 09:35 AM

They sure do, Sharlene....

Whiskey's Mom

07-08-2017, 07:32 AM

I love those poems too, I have been sent a bunch by friends too and they really do tug at your heart. It's like they were all written for us personally so it means others share our sorrow and loss too.
It's so sweet how your grandson likes to remember Lee with you. What a sweet little boy!
Thinking of you always, hope your other pups are well.
Annie

Joan2517

08-23-2017, 04:46 PM

Hello, my precious~ It was a year and a half this past Saturday. I tried not to be sad, but that was impossible. I miss you so much all the time.

Daddy bought Lychee nuts a few weeks ago and all I could think about was how much you loved them. While they were in season, Daddy always called you Leechee. As soon as he was ready to eat them he would call you and you would come running. After you couldn't hear anymore, you could smell them when he started eating them and you would be right at his feet. You were his little exotic fruit buddy and he loved having you to share with since I can't stand them.

I still see you in my mind strolling through the garden and sitting on the deck steps looking out over the garden, the fur on your ears moving in the wind. I still see you lying on all your favorite beds and the way your ears would go down when you looked at me. I tried dancing with Sibbie the other day, but she didn't like it. You would fall asleep in my arms while I danced around to all our favorite songs. I miss those days.

I miss all of it, Lee. I love you now and forever, my precious, little angel child. Mommy loves you...

DoxieMama

08-24-2017, 08:11 AM

I love your memories, Joan. Each time, I see more and more of your sweet little girl in my imagination.

Hugs...

Joan2517

08-24-2017, 02:36 PM

Thanks, Shana...they keep us going, don't they? I miss all of the dogs, and all of their stories, that have left us on this forum. I feel like I knew them all.

Christi846

08-24-2017, 10:30 PM

My 15 year old chihuahua was just diagnosed today. I was told the same thing, she has an inoperative tumor. We haven't started any meds yet and I'm scared of them from what I've read about them. The only real symptoms she has right now is excessive drinking and the urinating. She did pant a lot on Sunday because I just got back from vacation and she was with my
Mom and I think it's stressed her. She sleeps with me and is with me always. I can't imagine losing her. I know it will happen some day but I want to do any and everything I possibly can.

Joan2517

08-25-2017, 06:55 AM

Of course you do...they are our children, and we would do anything for them. Lee died exactly one month shy of her 15th birthday.

We also have a 14 year old Chihuahua. I'm dreading the day that she goes to be with Lena.

molly muffin

09-07-2017, 10:07 PM

Our one year anniversary is coming up. I was rereading some of the poems you have on Lena's thread. Just heart ripping.

Joan2517

09-08-2017, 07:06 AM

That first one is so hard, Sharlene. It seems like everything leads up to it and then it's there. The good thing is that it is usually the end of the "firsts".

Those poems are mostly from Leslie. They are heartbreaking, but beautiful at the same time. Whenever she posts them on someone's thread, I copy and paste to mine...this way I know where they are.

I still miss Lee every day. I can't believe I have any tears left, but I do. I was looking at pictures of her last night and I can't believe how bad she looked in 2015 before we knew what was wrong. It didn't register with me then. I only saw my beautiful girl.

But I think that is probably what was bothering me without realizing it. She was declining and my heart and mind wouldn't accept it, even though I was seeing it happen.

mommyslittlegirl

09-08-2017, 10:45 AM

Joan, I well understand how you feel. It has been almost a year and 10 months since my baby had to leave me. I don't know where the tears come from , but they are always there. Some days a few, others fall as a flooding rain. I also look at pictures of my baby' s last year. Like you, I can now see how she declined and how sad she looked. But again like you, I did not see it at that time. My heart and mind would not let me either. To me, she was still the most beautiful baby in the world. The sweetest. And in her little body the little golden heart beat the same. The beat of love. Hugs to you Joan.

Joan2517

09-08-2017, 10:59 AM

Hugs to you too, Dawn. Isn't it funny that we only see what we want to see.

We hit the year and a half mark on August 19, another hard day.

That sad look, that's what I saw in her eyes, but then she would look away. It was like she knew and didn't want me to see, or she saw the same thing in mine. I know that I will never stop missing her, she was so much a part of me.

Sibbie is a great distraction, and I do love her, Doree and my boys, but none of them can fill the hole that Lena's leaving left me with. I just have to keep living with it.

My grandson, Josh, doesn't understand how I can love Sibbie and still miss Lena so much. He's only 9 and I have tried explaining, but he's too young to understand. Their plan was to get Sibbie, I would fall in love with her and I would stop being sad. He doesn't understand why it didn't work. Then he questions my love for the others, and the ones who died before and after Lee. I get a headache defending myself! LOL!

Joan2517

12-25-2017, 09:49 PM

Merry Christmas, my precious angel. Our second Christmas apart. This year it was easier for everyone to talk about you, they thought I would be okay, and I was in front of them, but there were a few times where I just cried and cried...in the shower; in the morning before anyone got up; putting your ornaments on the tree; in bed at night. It still feels wrong.

I miss you every day, Lee. I always will. I don't miss you any less, I'm just getting used to missing you.

Sibbie had such a good time this year. She was so excited by everything. Then she was so wiped out that she fell sound asleep in Jeremy's lap and didn't move. This morning she tore into her stocking trying to get her toys out. Doree got a new sweater and some treats, Cooper got a new toy and treats, and Gable got a toy and a huge doggie cookie that he finished in about a minute. They had a good Christmas. I hope you were watching. Sibbie had fun helping Jeremy open his presents, shredding the wrappings (like you used to) and completely wearing herself out again. She's sound asleep in the big chair right now. She didn't watch the lights on the tree with me like we used to do after everyone left last night. And you weren't here to watch me wrap for the next day and I decided I really didn't feel like it. So I just talked to you and watched the tree by myself until I fell asleep.

I'm glad it's over...I'm so tired. I only started the shortbreads last week and none of them stayed in the kitchen with me, another change. You kept guard for 14 years and now it's just one more thing to miss.

I love you, Lena...my sweet precious angel child. Now and forever. Mommy will always love you.

Harley PoMMom

12-25-2017, 10:58 PM

Dearest Joan, tons of hugs being sent your way.

Joan2517

12-26-2017, 08:29 PM

Thank you, Lori, same hugs back at you!

mommyslittlegirl

12-28-2017, 01:52 PM

Aww Joan , I understand how you felt. Christmas is no longer the same without our babies. But we have so many beautiful memories of the Christmas past. I like reading about your precious Lena . Sending hugs and best wishes for the New Year .

molly muffin

01-05-2018, 05:17 PM

Joan2517

01-05-2018, 05:33 PM

Same to you, Dawn!

Joan2517

01-05-2018, 05:38 PM

I missed Christmas Joan, but sending you big hugs. I didn't even take out the decorations or put up a tree this year. Probably good thing as I would have been a wreck again because molly wasn't there laying in her spot under the tree. It's never the same is it. We just have to make new traditions and honor the cherished memories of past years.

Honestly,Sharlene, I almost didn't do the tree. And I didn't decorate the inside of the house until the day before Xmas Eve. But we had everyone coming here and I always feel like there may not be a next year, so I killed myself and did it. I'm glad now that I did do the tree because I look at it and see her picture and her ornaments on it. I know she wanted me to do it because she loved Christmas so much.

Happy New Year, Sharlene~

Joan2517

02-19-2018, 11:36 PM

My precious Lena...today is your second anniversary in Heaven. I miss you all the time, Lee. I talk to you in my mind all the time. I tell Sibbie all about you and when I talk to Gabe and say your name, I swear he remembers. I close my eyes and I see you at the front door waiting for me; by the bathroom door while I get ready for work; sleeping next to me; sitting in my lap watching the garden; or sitting on the front step watching the world go by. I miss the way you always watched me and knew when I needed you.

I need you to watch over Josh, Lee. Keep him safe just like when he was little and you and Andee used to lay near him and protect him. You could always make him happy and he needs you now. He still talks about you and isn't afraid that I will start to cry anymore.

You are our girl, our guardian angel, our precious baby, and not a day goes by that you are not thought of. I know you hear me. I know you know how much I miss you. I know you know how much I love you, always...now and forever, my angel child. Mommy loves you, Lee.

Harley PoMMom

02-20-2018, 04:28 AM

Sending huge and loving hugs.

Joan2517

02-20-2018, 06:58 AM

Thank you, Lori~

labblab

02-20-2018, 06:59 AM

Oh me too, Joan. I remain forever sorry for your loss of your precious little girl. An angel, indeed — that is your sweetest little Lena. Always.

I hope Josh is not having a serious setback right now. Just like Lori says, tons of healing hugs are coming to you and your family from your K9C family here. Don’t ever forget we are always here for you whenever you may need us.

Joan2517

02-20-2018, 07:22 AM

Josh has been on double steroids since August while they try to wean him off of the liquid one he's been on since he was a toddler. The two together have ironically pushed him into a Cushing's state. He's gained like 30 pounds, has the moon face, the cushing's bump on his back and the huge potbelly. He has high blood pressure and his bones have weakened to the point where just a few weeks ago he had terrible back pain. An MRI showed two stress fractures in his spine and he's now in a back brace and needs a walker to get around. He's out of school for six weeks, hopefully the fractures will heal and the bones will strengthen now that he's completely off of the liquid steroid.

We are beside ourselves with worry, Marianne. He is so bloated that he doesn't even look like our Josh anymore. He was always moving, dancing, climbing...and now he can barely walk.

AND my company is in the process of closing down the office here and expects me to commute to NYC for my job. I can't be that far away and stuck in Penn Station waiting for a train if I have to get home in a hurry.

I am thinking it's time to send my resume out. I need to be close to home, and not at the LIRR's mercy!

labblab

02-20-2018, 07:47 AM

Oh gosh, Joan, I’m so sorry for Josh and for all of you who love him so dearly. Indeed, it sounds as though there is plenty to be worried about :-((((((((. I cannot even imagine how hard it must be right now to arise each morning and wonder what’s in store for the day ahead. And all without the comfort of Lena in your arms, calming your heart.

But in some way, it sounds as though it is helping Josh to be able to talk freely about Lena. So her comfort must still remain very much alive to him, and that is such a gift that continues to flow from your angel, your precious heart dog.

Please do keep us updated, OK? I will be thinking of you and Josh especially today, and of course of little Angel Lee.

Squirt's Mom

02-20-2018, 08:52 AM

Oh Joan, I am so sorry to hear Josh has become so ill with this disease we all know so well in our dogs. I pray that Josh, like our babies with Iatrogenic Cushing's, will start to improve very soon with the steroids out of his system and that one day not far away he can once again move, dance, and climb to his heart's content. And I pray some other treatment can be found that will help him if needed in the future. Anniversaries are hard enough to bear without watching a child suffer.

Huge hugs, sweet lady....and wishes for luck in finding the perfect job if indeed you must.

Joan2517

02-20-2018, 11:07 AM

Thank you, Leslie and Marianne. If only we could stop the steroids completely, but that is the only thing that keeps his colitis at bay. If this doesn't work, it will be time for the bone marrow transplant, which is so risky. I think this is the first time it has hit Josh and my daughter how hard CGD can be. He has been lucky this whole time with just having the colitis, even though it really wasn't. No nutrients getting into his system, pooping 10 - 12 times a day. But this is much worse and he seems so sad, confused and afraid.

We haven't had a chance to really talk yet, since his mother wants him home with her, but I think he will open up to me when he gets the chance. He knows he can tell me how he feels and what he's thinking...things he can't discuss with his mother. He's already told me he wants to be cremated. He hopes we won't forget him and that I will mourn for him as I have for Lena. He's only 9 and shouldn't have to worry about those things.

labblab

02-20-2018, 12:14 PM

Oh my goodness, no he should not. Nor should his parents and grandparents...

What a burden for a little boy to carry around. Life can be so horribly unfair. What a blessing for him that he can open up to you, Joan, but I suspect some of the things he talks over with you can be pretty darn hard to hear. My heart goes out to you both.

For what it’s worth, a dear friend of mine has been treated for multiple myeloma with a stem cell transplant (I think the only difference is that the cells came from the bloodstream rather than bone marrow?) and she just now passed her fifth year anniversary in complete remission. Prior to that, she had spinal tumors that were producing almost unbearable pain, as well as many other problems. Since her transplant, she has done remarkably well. I know that Josh’s disorder is different and undoubtedly carries its own set of risks. For instance, Josh may need to receive cells from a donor rather than using his own, as my friend was able to do. But I just wanted to offer out a hopeful example. Every day has the potential to bring yet another breakthrough, and to keep hope alive. That’s what my friend tells me when I start to wallow in my own worry over “things.” So today, I wish to pass her hope on to you and Josh. Precious little boy!

Joan2517

02-20-2018, 12:52 PM

Thanks, Marianne...we've been holding out for the stem cell transplant, but can't use his. He has a non-related match, but making the decision has been the difficult part. As long as he was fine, we didn't want to make him sick, but it's riskier when they are sick...and now he's sick. Hopefully, after his bones start to build back up, his fractures heal, his high blood pressure goes back to normal, and he loses all this weight, he will be okay with just the one steroid.

All we can do is hope...

molly muffin

02-20-2018, 06:50 PM

Oh my gosh Joan! First let me say I want to send you big hugs on this the anniversary of your precious Lena's passing. Such a special little girl and the light in your soul.

Josh. :( Oh I just bawled. It is just heart breaking to think of him going through everything he has. I can't imagine how hard it is to see the changes those dang steroids have caused. Hoping that he'll regain his strength once off this liquid steroid. No kid Should ever have to think about whether they want to be cremated or buried and worry that they will be forgotten.

Now throw the job situation into the mix and dang it, that's just too much. Any work from home option instead of the commute to the city?

Joan2517

02-20-2018, 07:14 PM

Thanks, Sharlene. I'm non-exempt so not allowed to work remotely. Why they can't make me exempt, I don't know. I'm not even sure I want to work with them anymore. I love being an ETS employee, but the ISA Division is not the one I began with. Unless they offer me something great, I am going to start looking for something else.

We so hoped the new steroid would be better than the liquid, but now I'm afraid we made a mistake. He was so sick though last year, just wasting away, and we grabbed this chance. Maybe we just have to wait it out.

I wish Lee was here. She was always such a comfort to me. Sibbie is fun, but doesn't get me yet :). Gabe tries, but it upsets him too much when I am not myself, and Cooper is just oblivious!

I think one thing at a time I could handle better, but all of this is making me nuts.

Harley PoMMom

02-21-2018, 10:59 AM

Oh Joan, I just can not imagine how worried you all must be about Josh and I am so sorry that this is happening to your most precious grandson. Continued hope and prayers being sent your way.

Hugs, Lori

Joan2517

02-21-2018, 12:18 PM

Thanks, Lori~

DoxieMama

02-22-2018, 08:46 AM

Joan, I apologize for not sending you a message on Lee's anniversary. You were on my mind and have been since. Sending you so many hugs and loving thoughts.

I am SO sorry to hear about Josh. The poor kid! I knew he was wise beyond his years from other posts you've shared, but my goodness that boy is incredible. I'm glad he's able to share his thoughts with you, as tough as they must be for both of you. I pray you feel our love surrounding you, and can glean as much strength as you need to be there for him.

You certainly don't need additional crap from work on top of it! I hope you can find an answer to that dilemma as well.

More hugs your way...
Shana

Joan2517

02-22-2018, 09:51 AM

Oh, Shana...you're so sweet.

I've got my resume out there, so we'll see. At least I've taken that step. I expect I will not be let go, I'm too close to 62 and I think they will just make me go into the city until I give in and quit. I wish they would lay me off so I could get unemployment and breath for a while.

Josh is beginning to lose weight, my daughter noticed that she had to adjust the brace, so maybe the turn-around is starting to happen. If everything goes the way the doctors expect it to, his bones will begin to strengthen, he won't be hungry all the time, and all the puffiness will go away. Fingers crossed!

Two years without Lena...such a long time, and so much has changed. She would be 17 on March 19. I can't imagine her that old. She was so tiny that she always seemed like a puppy. When I look at her pictures now, I can't believe how short her little legs were. Sibbie has horsey legs, Lee's were half her size...no wonder she wanted to be carried all the time.

Hugs to you too, Shana~

molly muffin

02-26-2018, 02:57 PM

That is so good that Josh is showing some improvement. I hope to hear that each day is a little bit better.

I know what you mean about Lena, and not being able to imagine her old. I feel the same about Molly.

Joan2517

03-20-2018, 07:06 AM

Hello my little angel child. Yesterday you would have been 17...how I wish you were here for your birthday. I couldn't write yesterday because I am sharing the new office with Savitre, and even though she used to hear me crying in my old office, I didn't want to be crying in front of her and all the other girls. I knew I couldn't get through this without crying. I miss you so much, Lee. Your birthday picture popped up on Facebook yesterday and I just stared at you, the baby I love more than any other.

Me and Dad were looking at the Williamsburg pictures again. We had such a good trip and you were so good, always so good. Pictures of you running to greet your babysitter, running in the field in back of the Robert Carter House, in the carriage with me and dad, sitting at the table having breakfast with your own setup, so many pictures, so many happy memories. Those are what I try to hang on to, the ones that make me smile. I know you had an excellent life, we spoiled you rotten, but you just accepted, never demanded. You were the best little girl, Lena...and we loved you always. I love will love you forever, Lee.

Mommy loves you now and forever, my precious, little Lena.

Squirt's Mom

03-20-2018, 11:06 AM

Happy Birthday, Lena!

and big ole hugs for mom!

Joan2517

03-20-2018, 11:29 AM

:) Thanks, Leslie!

Harley PoMMom

03-20-2018, 01:07 PM

Happy Birthday, Lena!
Hugs from me too.

Joan2517

03-21-2018, 07:02 AM

Thank you, Lori!

molly muffin

03-22-2018, 09:24 PM

Awwww, I'm late as usual! Happy Birthday Angel Lena.

What lovely memories to have Joan. You'll always have those memories.

Joan2517

03-23-2018, 06:39 AM

Tons of them, Sharlene...thanks!

labblab

03-23-2018, 07:44 AM

Aww Joan, I’ve been thinking about you all week and composed a different note in my head every day but never got far enough to post a single one. The tears just made my eyes too blurry. I know how bittersweet the anniversaries and memories are for me, too, and I so wish I could reach out and give you a genuine giant bear hug.

I have a friend who is training in some sort of philosophy that warns against dwelling in memories because they keep your mind from appreciating life in the moment. Well, I say that’s hooey. My philosophy is that some of my most profound moments are when my past and my present all merge into one. I hold my memories sacred and dear to me. And the memories you share with us are sacred and so dear, too, Joan. I feel as though I can see Lena’s spirit perfectly through your mind’s eye, and I can feel how precious she remains to you, now and always. Lena is a gift you share with us all.

So Happy Birthday sweet little girl. And giant (((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))) to your mom.

Marianne

Joan2517

03-23-2018, 06:58 PM

Awww., Marianne, now I'm crying. Hooey is right! Sometimes I think of all the fur babies I've lost and wonder why Lena has had this profound affect on me?? I know I loved them all, but she is the one that I just can't let go of. Every time I can't remember something about her, it freaks me out! And I go searching through all of my memories until I find it.

The estate she grew up on is going to be sold...and it makes me so sad. All my baby memories of her are there, and it's just going to be bulldozed and divided up into huge houses that no one will buy. And we've got pets buried there that will be dug up and dumped somewhere else.

When I come here, I know I am with friends who feel the same. I know I'm not alone, and/or crazy. We are a group of people who aren't afraid to show how much love we can give to our pets, or anyone else's.

This is a wonderful forum, and I am glad everyday that I happened upon it while googling Cushing's after Lena was diagnosed. I don't know how I could have gotten through the last two years without all of you.

mommyslittlegirl

03-25-2018, 02:01 PM

Happy late birthday Lena . Memories of our babies are so very precious and wonderful . They keep them forever in our hearts and mind . I saw a sign the other day that said " You have my whole heart , for my whole life " Hugs to you Joan

molly muffin

03-25-2018, 06:32 PM

Oh no, that is so sad that the estate is being sold and bulldozed up. :(

Joan2517

03-26-2018, 07:07 AM

What a great sign, Dawn! Hugs to you, too...

Joan2517

03-26-2018, 07:24 AM

I know, Sharlene...but the daughter doesn't want to keep it. Too much maintenance, too much money to maintain and too much in taxes. She has her own home and life in Bethesda, and it would just sit there neglected. I hope whoever buys it keeps the house, our house with the greenhouse attached and the garden. The houses are beautiful...hers was built in the 20's, ours was updated twice and they look French/Normandy. The houses that they are building in Kings Point now are monstrosities. No beauty, no charm, no taste.

After Lena was diagnosed, I thought we'd go back in the Spring. I wanted to see if she remembered it. She loved exploring the garden, watching the geese (and rolling in their poop!). I can't tell you how many times she'd be green with it and I'd have to give her a bath. She loved the beach and sitting on the dock looking out into Hempstead Harbor, her ears lifting in the breeze off the water. She was so tiny and the dock was so long. She was a beach baby, just like my daughter. I can see her and Andee strolling down the driveway together...Andee a big lab mix with this tiny creature following behind her. It was such a change for both of them, moving to Glen Cove to a 50 x 100 lot! Lena probably didn't mind, but poor Ann had lost her domain, 5 acres overlooking the sound and marshland! No geese, no ducks, no swans...

Now I have to find the pictures, getting nostalgic!

labblab

03-26-2018, 09:24 AM

Oh my, Joan! What beautiful memories. Again, I feel like I can see it all through your eyes, and what a scene it is. I’m so sorry for your loss of this most special place and time, and for the loss of the precious connections.

I don’t do well with change. I know some people thrive on the excitement of constantly mixing stuff up. But not me. I’m a ritualistic, tradition-honoring kind of gal. I want beloved places, and people, to stay the same. Always.

Our next-door neighbor of 20 years moved away last week. He’s gone far enough away that I know we won’t see him again. How hard it was to stand in the yard together that last morning and say, well, have a good life. Luna loved him and always raced to greet him if she caught sight of him. And he was so, so kind with Peg. There at the end when we had to walk her gingerly around the front yard in her sling, he would come out and stand alongside us. He’d pet her and sweet-talk her. We’d all three have tears in our eyes because we knew what was coming. On the morning after she died, he appeared at our door with a dear sympathy card and a huge hug and a plate of homemade brownies “for the family.”

The new neighbors are here. They seem very nice and have young children and a young Golden Doodle. But they never knew Peg. They have no idea who she was, and we have no memories to share of 20 years of life together in the neighborhood. We’ll all be OK, and we’ll learn about each other. But it won’t be the same. Ever again. And today, that makes me feel really sad.

Joan2517

08-20-2018, 03:25 PM

That is sad, Marianne...what a good neighbor he was.

Joan2517

11-02-2018, 06:22 PM

Hello, my precious...how I miss you! Another Halloween without you. I tried keeping Sibbie on the stoop with me, but she kept barking at the kids and going at them when I tried to give them candy. So unlike you, my angel. I finally put her in and just sat there remembering how pleasant it was when we used to do it. You were so good, Lena, always so good. I think of you, and us, all the time. I talk to you in my mind constantly.

If you were still here I could bring you to work with me now. We Works is dog friendly. I know you wouldn't mind the train and you would be happy to just be with me...and everyone would just love you. The city is disgusting, but having you with me would make it tolerable.

This is the beginning of the holiday season and again, I am not into it. They only make me miss you more, my baby, my angel, my precious Lena. Mommy loves you always and forever, and ever and ever....

Harley PoMMom

11-05-2018, 01:04 PM

((((Hugs))))

Joan2517

11-05-2018, 01:13 PM

Thanks, Lori...sometimes I still can't believe she's gone.

How are you feeling?

Harley PoMMom

11-05-2018, 05:06 PM

I'm feeling better but still have it in my chest...cough...cough...cough!

mommyslittlegirl

11-12-2018, 02:18 PM

Yes , the holidays are coming . Such a hard time for the ones that have lost their babies. But yet the mind is flooded with many happy memories . I remember my baby's last Halloween . Dressed in her fairy costume . And Lena would have loved going with you to work . She would be happy just to be with her mommy . Big hugs to you Joan

Joan2517

11-12-2018, 03:12 PM

I would love to see her in her fairy costume! I'll bet she looked adorable, Dawn. Lena didn't really like dresses, but she did like the shirts. Her last Christmas was the first time she ever wore a dress.

I'm so happy to hear from you!

Many, many hugs to you, too....

Joan2517

12-07-2018, 11:19 AM

This is such a beautiful one from Leslie, Lena...and so, so true. You will always have my heart, my precious little girl.

My Friend, My Companion, My Pet

C’mon, old friend, the time has come
For you to finally rest.
You’ve given me your finest years
And I feel truly blessed.
We’ve walked many trails together
The best of times we’ve known
And now your aging body aches
And I must let you go.

You’ve taught me things I want to know
How to love, to share, to give,
To play, to laugh, and most of all
How wonderful it is to live,
And perhaps the most important thing-
How to graciously let go.

Good-bye, old friend, we’ve shared it all-
Our youth, our aging years
The best of times, and some hard times…
I’ve shed my share of tears
Worrying about you, watching you,
Fearing when we’d part
And now old friend, the time has come.
You know you take my heart.

I’ll miss you every moment
My heart hurts so inside
But you’ve suffered much too long, my friend
And that I can’t abide.

I pet you, gently hugging you.
I hear you softly moan.
You must depart,
You take my heart,
But you must go alone.

I’ll hold you in my arms, my friend
And my tears will wet your fur.
And you’ll know I’ll always love you
Our loyal bond endures. . .

by Christina