So very sad

[mommyslittlegirl]

All I can do

[Budsters Mom]

Oh Dawn, anticipatory grief can be just as devastating or more so, as grief after losing a loved one. These babies are connected to our hearts and souls. It's painful to watch them struggle. You are not alone in this. Many of us have been where you are now. It is extremely hard. The best thing I found to do at the time was to stay in the moment and handle what was right in front of me. That was all I was able to do and sometimes even that was too much. I leaned on our family here because they understood and I didn't have anyone else who truly did. Please come back and talk to us. It helps...

Kathy

[Squirt's Mom]

Oh honey, I know only too well what you are going thru. I lived in that state with Squirt for a year, or longer. I thought a couple of times that this was it, going so far as to call the vet and make THE arrangements only to have Squirt rally and keep going again. She surprised me over and over and over. I spent a great deal of that time talking to her, sharing memories of our lives together, the places we had been, the things we had seen, the people we had met. She got whatever she wanted for the most part and I was happy to provide those things whether it was something good to eat or to be left alone - she got what she wanted unless it could harm her. It can be very difficult, these last days, but they can also be more beautiful than words can describe.

[molly muffin]

Big Hugs Dawn. That is the exact term, anticipatory grief and is what many go through as they see their furbabies have a harder time.
It can be quite overwhelming.
The only real thing one can do is spend time with them and enjoying every single minute.

[addy]

Anticipatory grief is very real. Having gone through it myself, I know how hard it can be. Looking back now, I wish the last two years of my little Zoe's life would have been filled with more laughter than tears. She loved to make me laugh. When you anticipate your heart breaking, laughter does not come easy.

If I could wipe away your anticipatory grief, I would. alas, I cannot. I understand the tears and sadness. If you can, try to find your laughter at least once a day. I used to say, one good thing a day, find one good thing and laugh.

Big hugs

[mommyslittlegirl]

Thank you everyone for trying to help me.

[apollo6]

Oh my dear Dawm, I wish I could reach in the computer and comfort you. Hold on to every precious moment with Kiki. Let her know how much you love her. There is no easy way to go through this. We try so hard hoping for that miracle,hoping , praying. And at the end it is the precious moments, seconds we have with our babies. I always say they are on loan to us from heaven and there is never enough time to have them in our lives. They touch us in ways no one else can, they make us better humans.
Love always to Dawn, and beautiful Kiki.
Sonja, Angel Apollo and Karma, Ariel

[mommyslittlegirl]

Sonja, thank you

[mommyslittlegirl]

Just want to ask

[Budsters Mom]

I am so sorry Dawn. :o I don't know of anyone else who has continued to test for blood and urine after complete muscle atrophy has set in. Their dogs were humanely euthanized long before that point. :o

I know that you are frantically searching for answers. I wish I could be of more help and solace to you. I guess the biggest questions of all for you to process is how to move forward from where you are now and what you can do for Kiki at this point.

Kathy

[mommyslittlegirl]

Kathy,thank you for your reply.

[Budsters Mom]

It is impossible to have "total muscle atrophy" and still be alive. The heart is a cardiac muscle. The contractions of that muscle pumps the blood throughout the body. As long as it continues to beat, at least one muscle is still working. ;)

When I referred to "complete muscle atrophy", which I'm sure is not the proper term, I was referring to Kiki's issues. The inability to stand, difficulty eating, breathing, slow heart rate, etc.

[labblab]

Oh Dawn, I think you and I are alike in that we both are answer-seekers -- we want, so much, to find an explanation for things that may be going wrong. But I do believe there are times when knowing "why" no longer matters, especially when the answer would not change things. And I do believe that is the point you're at with Kiki. We talked over her diagnosis at length on your other thread, but none if us here and none of your vets can put a name on exactly what is wrong with Kiki. But even if we could, I don't believe that would really change much about how Kiki is feeling and how you are feeling right now.

Each one of us, human and dog alike, only has so much energy within us to live each day. My prayer for you, Dawn, is that you will save your energy spent on wondering "Why," and transform that energy into pure love for Kiki -- holding her and praising her and thanking her. That way, when Kiki's body no longer has enough energy to live through yet another day, her spirit will be full of the love you have passed on to her. Even if you could figure out "Why," it would not help Kiki now. Her body is too frail. But it is never too late to nourish her spirit and nobody on earth can do that better than you. Please let us help you do that.

Marianne

[mommyslittlegirl]

Thanks to everyone who has tried to help me. Even tho I could find no answers to her issues. Do not worry about us. We are both going to be just fine.

[Budsters Mom]

We will worry Dawn.:o We are family here at K9C, but we can only do so much to help long distance. We are positioned all over the world with many different time zones. I personally am in California. Please reach out to some other person where you are and share some of these feelings with them. It's so much better to talk to someone face-to-face.

Many of us have dealt with losing our furry children, including me. We do understand.

Kathy

[molly muffin]

I don't know of anyone who wouldn't want answers and keep looking for them. Well, that is how people end up on forums like this right. :)

[Allison]

Hugs.

The last three pets I've lost, I knew ahead that there was nothing else could be done. I spent hours talking with them, sharing memories with them through my tears, and giving them every favorite that I could.

It helped. Although nothing can take away the hurt and frustration.

We're thinking of you. Hugs.

[Squirt's Mom]

No honey, you're not fine but you aren't supposed to be right now. Watching our beloved babies decline is so very very hard...and there is just no way to be "fine" with it, none at all. It rips out our hearts and flays our souls every second. But because we love them so very much, we take that pain knowing it is nothing more than an expression of the deep abiding love we share with our babies.

[apollo6]

Dear Dawn
Now is when you need the support more than ever. Like Squirts Mom said, you are not fine. This is one of the hardest most renched, difficult things to get through. I kept hoping for a miracle right up to the end. This will take a part of you with it. Kiki is a part of you and will always be a part of you. I wish there was a cure and answer out there for you. We all feel your pain.
Sending you loving thoughts and prayers.
Love Sonja, Apollo , Karma and Ariel

[mommyslittlegirl]

Thank you for allowing me to continue to come to this forum. Has anyone ever used an animal communicator.? I think they can communicate with pets.

[labblab]

I still search for answers. My baby, my life, my air. My everything. Thank you for allowing me to continue to come to this forum. Has anyone ever used an animal communicator.? I think they can communicate with pets.
Welcome back, Dawn! Yes, I do think we've had a couple of folks who have used animal communicators and have found comfort in doing so. I hope they will be able to stop by to talk with you.

In the meantime, we continue to honor Kiki right alongside you. Such a perfect and precious little girl! It is no wonder that you continue to miss her dearly, and always will.

Sending my best wishes to you, Dawn, today and everyday.

Marianne

[Joan2517]

I would love to use an animal communicator...I am still searching for answers and questioning every decision I made for Lena. There isn't a day that goes by, that I don't think about her and wish I could hold her in my arms again. She was the dog of my heart...

[Squirt's Mom]

The communicator I worked with is taking a break but here is another one I have heard good things about. You can find her on Facebook but I imagine if you google her name you can find her elsewhere, too. ;)

https://www.facebook.com/MelissaSehgal/timeline

[mommyslittlegirl]

Marianne, You always know what to say to provide comfort to ones that are so sad. I thank you so much. Joan, I followed your post and was so sad for you. Our babies are both white toy poodles, and little girls. I understand your pain very well. Leslie, thank you for the information. I think I will try her. Perhaps to find some sort of peace.

[Joan2517]

Peace would be lovely, wouldn't it? I go through each day doing what I have to, but Lena is in my thoughts always...the questions, the doubt, the "what did I do wrong"?? I thought we would have more time.

I want to KNOW she is okay. I want to KNOW she wasn't waiting for me to come back that night. I want to KNOW that it was her time and I didn't make the wrong decisions for her...not too much to ask, right?

I wish you peace, Dawn...maybe our little girls are best friends in Heaven~

[lulusmom]

I have spoken to Melissa Sehgal a number of times...a few were for readings which blew me away but her dog, Ginseng, also has cushing's so we've communicated about his diagnosis and treatment as well. She is an awesome person who is the consummate animal activist who walks the walk and talks the talk. She contacted me recently and told me that her schedule was freeing up and to let my friends know that she is taking appointments. What better animal communicator than a fellow cushparent? :D I don't see contact information on Melissa's facebook page but will ask her to let me know which contact info she would like me to share. Stay tuned.

[lulusmom]

Melissa's email address is melissasehgal@hotmail.com

I found the post below that I shared on my thread after my first session with Melissa. My Jojo had recently passed and I riddled with guilt because I was not with him when he died. I was a complete skeptic which made my session with her more shocking than had I been a believer. I had a second session with her when my precious Lulu crossed the bridge and I asked her to ask Lulu what she felt the night she passed. Her response was; "you know mommy because you were with me" and then she told me what happened that night. It was as if I was reliving it all over again. I believe Melissa is the real deal.


I'm sorry for not visiting my own thread in the weeks since Jojo passed but it was very difficult for me to get passed the guilt of not being with my baby when he died. I've spent the last several weeks trying to make sense of it all and even had a session with an animal communicator. I've questioned my sister in law and my mom about the evening prior to and morning of Jojo's death so much that they were getting very tired of me. I had my suspicions about the cause of death and they will remain just that but after doing a lot of research and my session with my now best friend animal and human whisperer, all indications point to something called pituitary macroadenoma apoplexy. In laypersons' terms, a macroadenoma hemorrhage.

I never noticed any neurological symptoms but apparently this can come out of nowhere and cause death within 24 to 48 hours. 48 hours before Jojo died, his appetite waned and the next day he refused to eat entirely. He started pacing constantly, whining as if in pain and constantly pushing his head into his blanket over and over. The morning of his death, my mom said he declined rapidly and was just laying there, motionless but still breathing. She was panicked because she couldn't do anything for him and was anxiously awaiting my sister in law to get home to take him to the vet. Jojo took his last breath shortly before my sister in law got home.

After pouring through everything I could find on macro tumors, the sudden onset, the behavior, and a probable stroke fit with pituitary macroadenoma apoplexy. Now comes the weird part and hopefully ya'll won't think I'm crazy but a human and animal psychic cinched it for me. It was a jaw dropping hour and a half experience with this woman who told me things she couldn't possibly have known about my dad and my dogs, both past and present. This woman was introduced to me by an acquaintance because she was certain her senior dog has cushing's and wanted to talk to me about it. When I found out she was an animal communicator, I thought what the heck and went for it. I sent her pictures of Jojo, Buster, Jasper, Lulu and my dad. There is no way this woman could have known anything about my dogs or my dad, who passed 27 years ago, and to say that I was stunned by the things she told me would be an understatement.

She told me things about my dad that only he and I would know. Everybody who knew my dad would tell you that he was a very strong personality and didn't take crap from anybody and he tought me to the be the same. The first thing out of her mouth was "your dad has an overwhelming aura and he says he doesn't take s**t from anybody and then she giggled, just like I used to do when my dad used to say that to me. I used the word crap but my dad always used the word s**t. lol What followed was even more jaw dropping but I need to move on to Jojo. The first thing she said when we switched to the dogs is I feel a lot of digestive issues with more than one. At this point, my eyes are blinking rapidly, my mouth is agape and I'm thinking what the heck...how could she know about spending so much time and money recently in er hospitals with Jasper and Buster's pancreatitis and my anxiety over their continued off and on eating habits. Then she tells me that she is most worried about Jasper because he has what feels like acid reflux or something going on with his esophagus and he's telling her that it hurts for him to eat sometimes. Jasper has a severely enlarged heart and collapsing trachea which I know causes him discomfort so another jaw dropping revelation.

Now for Jojo which really blew me away. She asked me if he had trouble with his eyes because she is feeling like he isn't seeing well and is experiencing a great deal of pain behind his eyes, like the worst migraine you could possibly imagine. She said Jojo crossed over before his heart stopped beating, like a stroke and he wanted me to know that he felt no pain for quite a while before his body gave up. This is exactly as my sister in law and mother describe him so I am overwhelmed by the eeriest of feelings at this point and it was to get even eerier.

She asked me if keeping Jojo groomed was high maintenance for me because he's telling her that he wants me know that he regrets that he was such a problem. A week before Jojo died, I'm looking at the top of his head with one ear bald and the other untouched and telling him that I didn't know what I was going to do with him. The second groomer had pretty much washed her hands of him on that day and apologized for no longer being able to control him. He had so much hair on his butt and haunches....at least once a week I had to cut poop out of his hair, which was a huge ordeal. Even wrapped up like a mummy he was out of control and trying to bite the crap out of me. Yes, he was high maintenance.

I could go on and on about the incredible things she told me about all of my dogs. She nailed them and she nailed my dad. I have listened the recording twice since then and picked up even more spot on information that I missed during our session. I'm not surprised that I missed pieces because I was in a state of shock during most of our one and half hours together. With this person's help, I think I am finally at peace with Jojo's death. I still feel a bit guilty but I know that my boy loved me and he knows I loved him.

Now you can all tell me how crazy I am. :D

Glynda

[mommyslittlegirl]

Joan, thank you. I still wonder if I did everything for her. I search every day for answers. I loved her more than I have ever loved anyone. I am hoping you to can find peace .Knowing you did everything in your power for Lena. Glynda, thank you for sharing your experience with me. I believe she is the one Leslie also recommended. When I read your post I was filled with a flood of mixed emotions. Sadness, hope, excitement, anxiety ,chance to help my heavy guilt. I am giving it much thought. And Glynda, one thing I do not see is a crazy lady. Only a lady crazy in love with her babies as I was with mine.

[mommyslittlegirl]

All the babies on this site are very special. All well loved and when one is lost, hearts are forever broken. I come here to perhaps ease my pain and lose some of my guilt. I have never been a happy person. . Than one day my neighbor gave me a tiny ,sweet baby. She was 10 months old. We looked into each others eyes and instantly bonded. A bond that was to last a lifetime. When she walked into my house, she never looked back at my neighbor. It was like she had been mine from the start. How she changed me. I started to smile and laugh. I made her my entire life, my whole world. We were almost always together. The years flew by and one day I was told she had Cushings. My world fell apart. I never felt like she had Cushings, but the vets said she did. I was to mild, to weak to stand up to them. She was treated but steadily declined and in the last year suffered lots of muscle loss, hair loss and I was told strokes. She was blind in one eye. To me, she was still the most beautiful baby in the world. I never let her see me cry. I knew there would be plenty of time for that when she was gone. I knew I soon would have to let her go. The day I released her, I cried all the way home. A rain shower came and than a beautiful double rainbow appeared. I had never seen one before. Eventho she has been gone almost 11 months, the sun never shines any more. It is cloudy .The rain comes every day. At times just a few sprinkles. at times a mist or sometimes a downpour. I still tell her every day I love her, thank her for being my baby. She made me the richest and happiest person in the world. Thank you Cushing Site for letting me express my feelings.

[labblab]

Dear Dawn,

What you have written brings tears to my eyes and touches my heart so deeply. You and your baby shared a perfect love. I pictured your double rainbow in my mind's eye just as you described it, and I thought to myself that it was a perfect sign, perhaps even sent to you from your baby -- a double rainbow that reflected the beauty of your own two hearts, forever side by side.

I believe I do understand why you still feel so sad, and why the clouds weigh down on you. I am so glad you've come back to write to us. I hope that by writing out your words here, a small crack may one day begin to open in those clouds. Your double rainbow may truly have been a once-in-a-lifetime gift. But the sun is always up above the clouds, even though the clouds may be hiding it right now. I believe in my own heart that your baby's love is shining right along with the sun, and my hope is that one day you'll feel her warmth and see that golden light once again. I hope that day will come soon.

Sending tons of hugs to you this morning, Dawn. Welcome back!
Marianne

[Harley PoMMom]

Dearest Dawn,

I echo everything Marianne has said so eloquently. We will always be here for you and if at any time you feel the need to express your feeling whether they be happy or sad, please do come here and talk to us.

Sending huge and loving hugs,
Lori

[Joan2517]

Same here, Dawn...I am still struggling with all my doubts. I loved Lena more than anything and there are days that I still go over and over and over it all.

I did have a session with Melissa and it did help. I don't know if you tried yet, but it might help you a little. Sometimes in my deepest despair, I go back over some of the things she told me and I feel better for a while. I may have to ask for another session as the holidays are coming up, which my darling girl always loved. Just the thought of going through them without her is already making me dread them.

But I have two grandsons looking forward to them and my other dogs need me, as does the new puppy my husband blind-sided me with. Sibbie is going to be 10 months old in a couple of weeks and makes me smile in spite of my missing Lena so much...she also got me off the couch where I was hiding for weeks after Lena died. My other guys were fine just cuddling up on the couch and listening to me cry or watching me sleep, since I couldn't face reality while I was awake.

Try Melissa if you haven't already...sometimes when we are so close to our furbabies, we can feel them with us if we know what to look for.

Sending loving and comforting thoughts your way, dear Dawn.

Joan

[labblab]

Hi Dawn, it’s me again <Waving!> ;)

I have been thinking a lot about you and your baby ever since you posted your reply, and I've also thought about myself, too. It has helped me realize some things about myself that may end up being a help to you, too, and so I'll pass them on.

I've known there has been a difference in how I’ve felt since losing Peg, compared to losing my Cushpup Barkis. I grieve for both, but it is Barkis for whom I still carry guilt. Peg’s decline was gradual and age-related. I didn’t have to make any hasty decisions until the very end, and I had time to say good-by in lots of little ways over several months. I miss her dearly, but my grief for her is pure and uncomplicated, if that makes sense. With Barkis, it was so very different. He got so sick so fast. I hardly knew about Cushing’s then, and I know I made mistakes that I’d do differently now. I was so frantic at the end that I wasn’t able to find any calm or peace, or to really even say good-by. Suddenly, he was just gone, and my grief was compounded a hundred times over by my guilt over making decisions that I desperately wanted to do over.

What made it even harder for me was that nobody around me would even let me talk about my regrets. Whenever I started up, they all told me I was a wonderful mom -- that nobody could have done better. But I knew that I had made mistakes, and I still believe that’s true to this day. For the most part, after twelve years, I’d tucked that away. But I started thinking about that more yesterday. And Dawn, I finally found some peace for myself and I hope maybe I can give you some peace, too.

What I finally realized yesterday, after all these years, is that both things can be true at the same time. I truly was a good mom, regardless of how things turned out. Just like for you and your baby, Barkis and I also shared a perfect love. But even though our love was perfect, there’s no way I could be perfect in all my thoughts and actions. That is impossible for any human being. And no matter what anybody else tells me, I know I made mistakes in some of my decisions for him. I messed up. But I never made one single mistake in loving Barkis. And realizing that has finally made it easier for me to forgive myself for the things I did do wrong. All I ever wanted was the best for him, and I did the best I could humanly do at the time.

It may be true that you made mistakes, too, Dawn. But all of us here know, without a single doubt, that your love for your baby was perfect. And that was the most important thing of all, and it will always remain so. I hope the day will come when you can forgive yourself for any mistakes, too. Your baby brought such joy into your life, and that’s the way she’ll want you to feel when you think back on your lives together. All the things you did perfectly right because you, too, were a wonderful mom who loved your baby dearly. If you can believe and accept that, I know it won't make you miss her any less. But maybe it will help you forgive yourself for the things that did go wrong. Your baby never would have blamed you in the first place, Dawn, and I hope you can forgive yourself, too.

Marianne

[Joan2517]

Beautifully said, Marianne....you have a way with words that touch the heart.

[mommyslittlegirl]

I am sorry it has taken me a couple of days to come back and say thank you. I tend to be an emotional person. Thank you Marianne for your beautiful and so sweet first reply. It made me cry. Yes, my baby and I had a perfect love. And maybe she did indeed send me the double rainbow on the day she left. We were two hearts but beat as one. Thank you Lori. It is comforting to know there is a place we can all come to talk about our feelings. Whether it be happy or sad. Joan, I thank you for your loving thoughts. I read your post from the time you first came on until you lost your baby. . . It is so easy to see how much you loved her and still do. . Thank you Sonja, when my baby left, you were here for me and continue to be. You took time to support and send comforting words to me. Marianne, in your last post you said you still suffer from guilt with your Cushing baby Barkis. I have read others say this also. I know you were a great mom to him, the perfect love as I had with my baby. I know you are trying to help me ease my guilt. And that means a lot to me. I have no regrets in our life together until the last 4 years. From the moment I saw her, I loved her. We were as children, running and playing, than going to parks, camping, festivals, shopping in stores, she even went in an ice cream shop and we shared ice cream. Vanilla. In the Fall I showed her pumpkins and went to lost Maples State Park and played in the leaves. So many more thing we shared. When she got Cushings ? so many, many mistakes were made. First was the MRI. In the beginning she had shakey legs. The vets said we would do the mri after they stabilized her on trilostane. Than they said she might not make it through the mri and if she did , she would not be a candidate for surgery. That was the beginning of many, many mistakes. . All from a well known Texas college. So, that is why I suffer so much guilt. I was my babies voice, but I could not stand up to them. To mild and weak .. I know she would not blame me. . I know what she would say. She would say " Mommy don`t cry. I loved you and you loved me. We had a wonderful life together." Maybe one day I can forgive myself ,maybe.

[molly muffin]

That is a beautiful life Dawn. It's amazing isn't it, how they change our lives and bring so much joy into it.
Their love for us is quite pure. There is no guilt in it, there is no what if's, there is only the here and now and the joy, whether it be jumping in leaves together, or snuggling up on the couch watching a movie and having a nap.
That is what makes it so special and also makes it so hard to save good bye to.

[labblab]

Oh Dawn, your life with your baby sounds so sweet! No wonder you miss her so. I loved reading about all the things you did together. I also was so glad to hear you say that maybe one day you'll be able to forgive yourself. From my own experience, I know it will take time and it is not anything you can force. But opening the door even a tiny crack in order to let in the possibility is truly a huge step forward. I am very proud of you, Dawn. I really, really am.

[mommyslittlegirl]

Thank you .

[mommyslittlegirl]

Baby, I tried to write yesterday but every time I tried , the tears came and I could not finish. It has been a year since you had to leave me. This last year has been the longest , sadness and most painful year of my entire life. . I love you baby, I miss you so much and I still cry every day for you. Yesterday , I watched films of our happy life together. You came to life and I was happy again. I was smiling and laughing. The sun was shining, we were walking, smelling flowers, playing in the leaves, you chased a bug and pawed at the picnic basket. You always knew how to make me laugh. But Than the film ends and I`m alone again. I started to cry but through the tears I remember what you meant to me. Yes, the guilt is still so much there. Baby, you made me so happy, you showed me true love, you taught me to smile and laugh ,you showed me the world was a fun place to live, you gave me confidence , you taught me compassion, responsibility and even to cook. You loved to eat. And you taught me the final lesson. The pain of death.. . Now, who can teach me to live again with out you ? Mommys little girl. Mommy loves you forever.

[labblab]

Dear Dawn, what a beautiful tribute to your baby girl. The two of you shared a precious love, and I thank you for sharing your sweet memories with us. They made me both smile and cry, too. I am so sorry for your sadness. I know we cannot change that part of things for you. But as tough as it was to put them into words, thank you for sharing these lovely images of your baby. We will always honor her right alongside you.

Sending you many hugs again this day,
Marianne

[DoxieMama]

Hi Dawn,

What wonderful, emotional memories you have with your baby. Thank you for sharing them here. I join Marianne in sending you compassionate hugs.

Shana

[molly muffin]

Beautifully said Dawn. She was indeed a true love.

[Squirt's Mom]

Dear Dawn,

What precious memories of your sweet girl during a most difficult time. So often those memories are a double-edged sword. One edge allowing us to laugh and smile again while the other cuts deep, reawakening the agony of our loss. But we cherish those memories regardless and in time they do bring more joy than pain, becoming all the more precious as a result.

You were a good mom and I know she is so full of love for you still today, watching over you with all the devotion you showed to her.

Hugs,
Leslie

[apollo6]

My dear sweet Dawn,
It took a lot of courage and pain to post. Enfolding you with love,compassion, support. In memory of sweet Kiki. The loss will always be there. When you love so deeply, you fall even harder.
Love Sonja and Apollo

[mommyslittlegirl]

Marianne , Shana, Sharlene, Leslie and Sonja, Thank you. Your words of comfort made me feel better.

[mommyslittlegirl]

It has been almost a year and a half since my baby had to leave me. I am so very sad and unhappy. I still miss her so much. I cry every day for her. I just want her back. I want to hold her, tell her how much I love her. Look into those beautiful eyes. I can not move on with my life. No one makes me happy like she did. I was not happy before I got her and I am not happy now. I don`t know how to live without her. How does a person live again ?

[labblab]

Oh Dawn, that is such a hard question :o. I sure wish I knew the answer, but I guess it is probably different for every person. I am so sorry that you have yet to find any relief from your sorrow. It will soon be a year now since I lost my Peg. I have both good and bad days, it seems. Some days are just harder than others, when the memories and loss come flooding back. But I am lucky, in that I do have good days, as well. And that gives balance to my life.

I can't give you any reason for that. It just is, and I am grateful. Having Luna in my life does help a lot. She needs me and I need her, and that is really a gift.

I admit this is my head talking -- trying to think rationally -- but I do honestly hope and believe that there are future possibilities for joy in your life, Dawn. Even though it doesn't seem like it now, I do believe things can still change for you, perhaps even when you least expect it. Until then, I continue to send you my warmest wishes and tons of hugs.

Always in loving memory of your sweet baby girl,
Marianne

[Harley PoMMom]

Oh dearest Dawn,

For me, with time the pain became bearable, it never really leaves me, just kinda hovers and certain things make it come to the surface. I do have a lot more happy times than sad ones especially when I'm reminiscing about my boys, I still miss them very much. One thing that has helped me move on is giving a forever home to a rescue dog, I've chosen to adopt older dogs that have an unlikely chance of being adopted out.

Oh Dawn, please know we are here for you and we always will be.

Love and hugs, Lori

[Budsters Mom]

I also feel that it is different for everyone. We feel so very deeply for our babies and that pain can be unbearable. There is no time limit as far as working through our grief.

Personally, I needed to be needed. I could not function until another baby joined my family. I needed a purpose to get up and face the day. I had to care for a tiny fur baby who had no one else. A 3.2 pound ball of fluff who changed my life. I ached for Buddy and still do. That has not changed, but my little Rosie helped me to heal. Another dog is not a replacement, or the right choice for everyone, but was the right choice for me.

Try to pick one beautiful thing per day to be thankful for. Whether it be a sunset or butterfly, etc. It's the little things that show us that life goes on.

Big hugs,
Kathy


How does a person live again ?

[labblab]

Dawn, you've remained in my thoughts over these past couple of days, and I'm going to throw out a suggestion that may not sound at all like a good idea to you. But on the other hand, it just might. I've been thinking about what a caring and loving person you are, and now that your baby is no longer in your arms, so much love must just be bottled up inside you. My very elderly mom has always been a believer that "doing" is the best cure for the doldrums, and I guess I must have inherited that belief from her. Because I can't help wondering if your spirits might rise if you could find a useful way to help care for somebody else in need.

Of course my first thought is an animal, since as you can see, that is the avenue that has helped several of us here. I totally understand that you may never feel as though you wish to adopt another animal yourself. But an alternative might be volunteering at a shelter or rescue. If working directly with the animals would feel too hard, I'll bet you could help with answering phones, or processing paperwork, or fundraising -- things like that will still help save furbabies' lives. Or perhaps there's an entirely different area in which you could volunteer some time: a hospital, or a shelter for people, or a food bank, or a clothing consignment store. There are so many who are in need of a helpful hand and a caring smile. And you have so much love to give, Dawn.

As I say, these are just some thoughts I wanted to offer out. None of them may feel like a good fit for you. And for sure, none of them will replace the love -- and the sorrow -- you feel for your baby. But sometimes just being busy can provide some moments of peaceful distraction, and there are so many souls in this world who need help. Your time and your caring would be such precious gifts for any person or animal to receive. And the act of giving just might lift your own spirits as well. As I say, just a thought...;)

Marianne

[apollo6]

Dear Dawn
The pain, the loss,the regrets can overwhelm us. Even after over 4 years I still have guilt, miss him everyday. Like you Apollo changed my world, opened me up more,etc. No one can take that pain away. We try to find a way to go on. The loss will always be there. Many of us pass the love on to another fur ball to ease the pain. My little rescue Ariel,helps me cope with the loss. Once you experience the joy of having a fur ball. You are never the same. There are so many rescues out there that would love to be with you.
No one can tell you what to do. We can only share our experience strength and hope.
Love Sonja,Apollo

[molly muffin]

Hi Dawn, i guess you just learn to live with the loss, the pain itself just seems to remain like a dull ache in your heart.
I've immersed myself in outside activities to try and distract myself from that loss, but it doesn't really go away, at least for me.
My heart hurts for you. :(

[mommyslittlegirl]

Thank you all for your sweet and caring replies. They brought tears to my eyes. I felt like people care about me and how I feel. . They shared the love and ( guilt, regrets ) they feel for their precious babies . The pain of the loss of their babies and the missing them. Just like I do with my baby. They offered hope and great suggestions. I am so glad many have chosen to open their hearts to other furbabies. I can not at this time. It would not be fair to that furbaby. But I will look into other suggestions ones have made. If I am part of this big, loving and caring family, I am so grateful. Dawn

[Harley PoMMom]

If I am part of this big, loving and caring family, I am so grateful. Dawn

You most certainly are part of this family and will always remain so.

((((HUGS))))

[mommyslittlegirl]

My precious baby , it has been two years since you had to leave me . November 16 .The pain is still so much there. I still cry every day for you . I will cry for you the rest of my life . I find myself going to all the places we use to go , parks, downtown ,antique stores ,the Rose Garden were you would chase the lizards in the bushes .So many memories .I sit alone on the benches .I can still see us walking ,you in the lead. I smile and tears fall . I would give anything in the world just to do these things again with you ,to hold you in my arms ,to tell you how much I love you, to kiss you and feel again the love we shared ..Thank you for being my baby ,teaching me the true meaning of love , to laugh , that life was fun filled with adventure . For comforting me ,teaching me responsibility and to cook. Mommy will love you and miss you forever .

[labblab]

Dearest Dawn, holding you in my thoughts and my heart today. And picturing your precious angel baby in my mind’s eye, through all your beautiful loving memories. She was perfect, and will forever remain so.

Sending so many hugs to you across the miles, my friend.
Marianne

[Squirt's Mom]

awwww, Dawn, I know only too well what you mean and feel. No matter how many babies come into our lives there are those that are oh so very special and when they must leave the void that is where they used to be cannot be filled. I hold fast to the belief that one day I will hold them and all my babies again. And when that day comes, we will never be parted again.

My thoughts are with you on this anniversary none of us want to have.
(((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))
Leslie

[Joan2517]

Oh, Dawn...I know how you feel. Lena is gone 1 year and 9 months tomorrow and I still cry every day. I never thought I had so many tears in me. She absolutely loved this time of year, from Halloween on through Christmas. The prep, the food coming in, the decorating! I know she knew it was a special time. She just loved the holidays...now it makes me so sad that she is not here to enjoy them.

[spdd]

Seems we are in this group unwillingly of grieving the loss of our babies. I know how you feel, like too many of us now here on this forum. They rip our hearts apart when they leave us, and the wound never heals completely. You are not alone in your grief and mourning....I know that isn't much comfort, but we certainly know how you feel. I only hope some of the days get easier for you. It has been 3 years on the 14th of Nov. since "mah boy" left. One day your good, the other day it's like it just happened. I swore I would never get another dog for 2 reasons. One they just wouldn't be like the special good boy I had and 2 just didn't want to replace him. I have re-considered and this spring hopefully will be welcoming a new fur baby. Even now the thought of it sometimes makes me hesitant, but I know many on here have welcomed a new one to the family and haven't regretted it. Hang in there....

[mommyslittlegirl]

Thank you Marianne ,Leslie , Joan and Judi. I really appreciated the encouragement , support and love i felt from your replies . I know you all understand well the pain . Thank you again and I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving .

[mommyslittlegirl]

Today I feel so sad. Baby , you are my true love , my valentine .My heart hurts so much because you are not here with me . I remember the heart shaped sugar cookies with the pink and red frosting with sprinkles . How you loved them . Your eyes would sparkle and you would do your dance . How I would laugh . You are my funny little valentine forever. Mommy misses you. I just had to express my feelings and I thank this site so very much.

[Joan2517]

Awww, Dawn. Lena used to love those kind of cookies, too. Well, to be honest, she liked any kind! None of the holidays seem right anymore, do they? They were always a part of everything. Maybe our babies are sharing a big dish of cookies today, dancing and smiling. Wouldn't that be something to see....

Hugs to you, dear Dawn~

[labblab]

Oh, sending big hugs your way, too, Dawn. I love picturing our babies at a giant cookie party today — thank you, Joan! It is so hard when we miss our babies so much. Every time we write about them here, though, I feel like we are honoring them. So we join you today in honoring your sweet baby girl. And I’m so glad you’re allowing us to do so.

Always in loving memory ~
Marianne

[molly muffin]

I know the feeling, those little things that they loved and that every time you think of them you can't help but remember all those things they loved too.
They were loved, they loved us and in this life, that is a very special gift indeed.

[mommyslittlegirl]

Thank you Joan, our babies are so much alike. You always know what to say. .I like the thought of our babies sharing that big dish of cookies. Marianne , thank you for your words of comfort and for honoring my baby You are always here to offer comfort to others. Thank you Sharlene . You are right. Our babies give us the greatest gift of all. Their love. Thank you baby for loving me. I love you forever.

[mommyslittlegirl]

November was the second year since my baby has been gone. Since than I have felt a great sadness which I can not get rid of. .This is not a dream .She is not being fixed up so she can return to me . It has finally hit me . She really , really is gone. I will never look in those big beautiful eyes of hers again, hold her or tell her I love her. My life with her was like a beautiful book . A love story between a lonely girl and a tiny white poodle. In the first chapter it is a Sunday morning and this young brown haired girl anxiously awaits for her neighbor to bring her this promised tiny toy poodle. The moment had finally arrived. It was love at first sight . the girl and poodle bonded instantly. The girl is no longer lonely or sad. She knows love and joy for the first time in her life. The chapters continue . There is the first haircut , the first trip ,first park and so many fun adventures. Time moves so quickly. Over half of the book is finished and the days change a little. More days are spent on short walks, enjoying tea rooms, sitting on park benches and just enjoy being together. The book moves along and one day the girl hears some heartbreaking news . Her world is torn apart . But yet among the sadness and pain , she is still happy, her love is still with her. Than comes the final chapter and the book ends. The book will be loved and cherished forever as long as it is in possession of the original owner . It will remain dust free, no worn cover . There will be no yellowing or torn pages , no creases , no bent corners. Another book will be written . There is no title and the pages are empty .

[Squirt's Mom]

aw Dawn, I know too well how you feel. I have my own books. This Nov it will be 12 years since my daughter had to leave and in May, 4 years since Squirt joined her. Squirt saved my life when Gia died and when Squirt told me she had had enough, it tore my Soul into shreds. I do find immense comfort in the belief that they are together now once again and waiting for me.

People like you and me are special. So many are unable to feel such a depth of love for any living thing, even their own families much less a dog. I am sure you have been told the same things as I - "get over it", "it's time to move on", "she was only a dog". What they don't understand is that we HAVE moved on, life forced us to, but we will always carry that love and that grief with us because you just don't "get over" a love like that....that our babies were never "only a dog". Our babies gave us a purpose, a foundation, a whole bright and beautiful world when we most needed it.

But our losses also give us a gift - a gift of understanding and compassion, even empathy, for others who grieve as we do. It's not easy for me to come here, ever, much less day after day. But it is one small way I can honor my beautiful baby girl and my Sweet Bebe - because I can understand how someone feels when they find out their pup is sick, when that day comes that they lose their precious baby. Not everyone who has been part of our family here can do that - they just can't keep coming back here. But they have found other ways to use their pain - fostering, volunteering in shelters, working with a rescue to help place babies in furever homes and so on. They open their books and add another page, one that starts out, "Because I love you so I am going to do these things in honor of you." I believe one day your tears and anguish will lead you to the place where you find a new purpose too, a reason to open your book and add another page, a page honoring your sweet Kiki.

Until then, know we are always here for you. Our shoulders will always be a safe place to fall. Our hands always reaching out to yours. Our tears falling with yours in understanding and shared pain.

Hugs,
Leslie

[Joan2517]

Dear Dawn,

I wish there was some way to help you with your sadness. I can see that little girl and her toy poodle.

Lena's two year anniversary was last month. It still seems so hard to believe. Like you, I kept hoping it was a dream and she would come back to me, whole and healthy. I dreamed about her last night for the first time in a long time. She was in the clouds and I could see she was looking at me and she looked young and healthy again. I've only dreamed of her three times, unless I am in such a deep sleep and she's there and I don't remember. We were so close, she has to be there.

I don't think your baby would want you to be so sad. Lena used to get so upset if I was sad or mad. She would hop around my ankles barking and doing anything she could to distract me...and of course she always could. I would pick her up and all would be well. That's what I remember when I'm upset, me holding her in my arms, against my chest, breathing into her poof and kissing her ears, her face, her neck...and her sighing that contented sigh I loved so much.

[apollo6]

Dear sweet Dawn
I wish I could take the loss and sadness away. I read you beautiful story and the tears flow. It has been over four years since Apollo left. I find my self talking about him often. And on occasion cry at night when all is silent.
Love Sonja
ANgel Apollo and Karma, Ariel

[molly muffin]

I'm going to just send you some big virtual hugs Dawn and hope that somehow each day there is one thing you can find to smile about. Just one.

[mommyslittlegirl]

Just wanted to stop by and say hello to my friends here that provided support and comfort to me. I still CRY every day for my baby. Time can not stop the pain . .For the ones that have lost their precious babies , a big warm hug. . For the ones who have babies fighting this terrible disease , a big comfort hug. Thank you my Cushing family .

[Harley PoMMom]

Sending you tons of loving hugs.

[Joan2517]

Hello Dawn, so nice to see! Hugs to you, lots and lots.

[labblab]

Hey Dawn, tons of hugs coming your way from me, too! Thank you for your sweet and loving thoughts to all our family. We surely do send the same warm wishes back to you.

Marianne

[mommyslittlegirl]

Hi everyone. Came back to my friends here to say hi . Was sadden to hear about the loss of the sweet pets I remember. And the ones I don’t. I thought after the years passed, the pain in my heart would lessen . But it doesn’t. Every day I think of my baby . And many days , tears come to my eyes. Love you all

[labblab]

Oh Dawn, it’s so good to see you once again! We will never forget your precious baby girl, either, and all the joy and love you two shared. No matter how much time passes, I do believe that love lasts forever. For so many reasons, these past couple of years have been very hard for our family and the whole world. And you’re so right, the loss of more of our sweet companions has made things feel even harder. But then come mornings like this, when the return of a special friend like you brightens up the day. Even though I know it probably tears at your own heart to return here at times, it feels like a hug to me when one of our family members checks back in. So I thank you for returning and posting, and as always, I send you my best wishes for the days ahead.

Love, Marianne

[apollo6]

My heart goes out to Dawn. It has been over 9 years since Apollo,,s passing. The love and support of this group got me through the tough times. Thank you all. Love Sonja and Angel Apollo.

[labblab]

Oh Sonja, it is so special to see you back here, too! We’ll never forget you and brave warrior Apollo, either! This has become a special day for me, seeing both you and Dawn here. Take good care, and thank you so much for stopping by. I know it’ll mean a lot to Dawn.

[Squirt's Mom]

Oh my, tears are flowing seeing you, Dawn, and you, Sonja. Our precious Kiki and Apollo, never forgotten, always loved.
(((((((((((((((HUGSTOBOTH)))))))))))))))))))))
Leslie