My baby girl Elliott

[grapey]

The house is so empty and quiet without you. I used to get annoyed when you'd grab a squeaky toy and bite it so it shrieked over and over. I remember how that stupid chicken would squeak so loud that I eventually cut a hole in it--basically slit its throat, haha--so it wouldn't squeak anymore. But now I wish I could hear any squeaky toy. Your Brian put them up on the kitchen counter because he said it would kill him to accidentally step on one and not hear/see you come running. He choked up when he said that, and you know he doesn't cry much. I've left your other toys on the floor where they were. Including that last ball that you tried to disembowel. I was watching I video I took of you when you were digging away like a crazy person at the halloween monkey stuffed toy. Guess I got that in November 2012. You had that crazed look on your face that I know so well. The monkey with its disemboweled head is on the floor of your Brian's office and I don't want to move it. He put your blanket in the washing machine and I took it out because I don't want to wash it. It still smells like you.

I'm trying to picture you as you were when you still felt good--bringing us the biggest sticks possible so we could throw them over and over. Pretending to throw them and then watching you run; we loved to harass you. :) Sticks were your passion in life. Part of me wishes we could have taken you to the dog park before you went, but I don't think you would have enjoyed it. You wouldn't be able to run run run everywhere, pick up the hugest stick (which always caused everybody to comment on it), run down to the creek and plop yourself down and take a huge drink, then you'd be all wet and running through the dirt/dust so when we were ready to go home you'd be dirty and muddy. I didn't mind because I knew that meant you'd had a good time. I'm hoping we can make some kind of donation to the dog park in your memory. That was your favorite place on earth. You knew what the words "dog park" meant.

The other day you perked up when I accidentally said "Petsmart." I should have spelled it out, haha. Toward the end you still perked up when I said, "Who is it? It's your Brian! Your Brian's home!" But you didn't run to the door, and you didn't run to get a squeaky toy so you could bring it to him when he stepped inside. That showed how bad you really felt. So many times I would come home from work, and if there was a squeaky toy in the kitchen, as I opened the door I would hear you run out of the crate and run to get that toy. This is the way I want to remember you. How you wanted us to throw the toy toy and yet you would not let us get it! You wanted us to *try* to get it, haha. You were our little brat. :) Speaking of, it's very weird not to have to put up the trash can at night! Don't have to worry about you getting into the trash anymore.

It was my privilege to take care of you, even cleaning up after you. I didn't mind because I loved you. Mama still loves you, baby gir. But I know that at least now, I'm the only one hurting. It's not you hurting anymore. You're not struggling to breathe or looking sad because you can't enjoy the things you enjoyed. You're free and at peace. It was my privilege to be there when you passed. Me petting you and Brian scratching under your chin. I didn't even know the moment you passed. I just noticed that you weren't struggling to breathe anymore. And that brought me a lot of comfort. You were still warm and just looked like you were sleeping peacefully. Which you haven't been able to do in months.

I will write more later. I think I'm getting sick. I think all the emotion of the past couple days, and the past six weeks, and the past six months really, is catching up with me. I slept all day yesterday. I just don't feel very well. I honestly don't know what to do with myself now that I don't have to worry about you. The dr. said that only now would I realize how much of a burden of worry I've been carrying since all this heart stuff started. She's been so great through all this.

[grapey]

Hey there baby girl. It's weird coming home and opening the back door and not having you there to greet me. Just now we got home and it felt weird to not talk to you or let you out of your crate. Earlier today I was loading dishes into the dishwasher and you weren't there to help me lick off the silverware (or eat the food that fell on the door :). I was also thinking this morning about vacuuming the house, but then I realized you wouldn't be there to try to bite the front of the vacuum or go around and around and around it. I honestly don't know if I can vacuum now without getting upset. Maybe your Brian can do it. It's these little, random things that remind me of you. Like me laying on the couch this afternoon, with a piece of cheese next to me, and thinking, I better move this or else Elliott will try to grab it. And when I didn't finish my bread crusts you weren't there to eat them.

I can't sing my weird songs to you or talk to you with your nicknames that sound absolutely stupid to anyone but me. Baby heeno pup :)

Yesterday I worked at home, and it felt so empty without you here. With the mail we got two cards, one from my coworker and one from the specialist vet. Both of them made me cry. My coworker's had on the front, "Dogs just know when they are loved, even at the end, when their pain becomes too much to bear and we help them to find rest." I am not one to get emotional about a greeting card, but for some reason this brings me a lot of comfort, and of course I cry every time I read it. Then, as your Brian came home from work, he picked up your ashes. They're in a little plastic urn that looks like a gray faux marble. I'm hoping to get a little wooden box instead. But your Brian will have to move the ashes from one container to the other. I can't look at them.

The cremation place also did something that made me cry, cry, cry. They did a little paw print thing of both of your front paws into some clay, and then at the top they pressed in the letters of your name. They even spelled your name right, with the two Ts. Anyway, I see where your little toe toes pushed into the clay, even where your little crooked toe is still crooked. I see your tiny nail prints, and I think, you needed to have your nails clipped :) These two paw prints are so precious to me. I love your little feet.

The urn with your ashes feels kinda heavy, and it's weird to think about your body in there. I know it's not you, as in, not the crazy pigdog who would bring us the squeaky pumpkin over and over and OVER and sniff the carpet til she found one speck of something she could eat. :) But I do ponder how the ashes come from a tiny doggie body that seemed to have so many issues at the end. With the cushing's, the pulmonary hypertension, the huge liver, the heart, the arthritic legs, etc. It seemed like a nightmare that so much of this manifested at the same time. I guess I knew I could never keep you on all of these medications forever. But I know we did the right thing in trying them to see if they would work. And if they had worked as well as I'd hoped, I would have given them to you forever, no matter how much they would cost.

I'm so sorry I didn't take you to the specialist on Monday or Tuesday! I knew your breathing was labored, but I didn't think it was any more labored than it had been since early December (and even into November/October). The specialist vet and Brian tell me not to be hard on myself. Brian reminds me that the vet techs are *trained* to notice things like this. But still, I hate that we brought you into the waiting room, and when the vet tech started talking to me, she saw how you were breathing and said, we need to get her into the ICU into an oxygen tent. That just killed me. But the scale a minute earlier had told me what I needed to see--that you'd gained over a pound in three weeks :(

I hope we didn't keep you around longer than we should have. But we honestly tried to do the right thing and do the best we could. I think we did. I was looking back at how I'd meticulously tracked your water intake back when we were trying to get you induced on lysodren, and looking at all the research I did online, and I know I tried so hard. I hope you know that. I hope you know how much I loved you. I think we spent some quality time together as I figured out how to prop you up so you wouldn't have the huge liver pressing against your diaphragm, and then I could angle up your chin so you were breathing clearly. Then I would see your face twitch and your eyes roll around (kinda weird) and feel your paws move, and I knew you were dreaming and getting some good sleep. Those were the only moments I felt at peace.

It was a beautiful day today. Pretty warm and blue skies. A perfect day to throw the stick in the backyard or take you to the dog park.

[Arizona Boston]

Sweet Jen. Everything happens just as it was meant to be. Don't question yourself or relive your decisions, because they were all perfect. Your beautiful baby is at peace now. Find that peace now for yourself.
She was such a lucky girl to have you.

[grapey]

A week ago today we put you to sleep. I have a card I need to send to Dr. C to thank her. I also printed some pictures of you to send to her. I wish she could have known you when you were younger and felt better. Just now I was looking at their website, and I saw pictures of dogs that had been treated there and are now doing well. I'm sad that you're not one of them. I'm in a grouchy and jealous mindset right now--I feel like I haven't had much in life, and so many bad things have happened to me. And I'm 36 and childless, and may stay that way because I may not be able to have a baby, but you were my baby, and now you're gone.

The kitties have been a huge comfort. Sometimes I wonder if they even know you're gone, haha. You were kind of a brat to them sometimes, but I always thought it was funny. And Tobe eventually decided she wouldn't take it anymore and started her drive-by slaps--with claws. You did not like those. :) But I always told you, Mama will protect.

The cats have been very very loving. HOnestly, they've been a huge comfort to me. I hope that I don't turn my worry that used to be focused on you onto them. Especially Tobe and her diabetes. She had been sneezing a little bit, so I freaked out and thought, maybe she has an upper respiratory infection, we should take her to the vet. But I know I can't go to the vet right now. I absolutely cannot go to the vet. So your Brian will take her.

I am feeling better these days, but I still cry several times a day. Like V advised me, I'm just "riding the wave" and crying when I need to. Then, when I'm done crying, I feel better. Last night I was crying in Target after I got kinda rude with a worker there--who, honestly, was being rude to me! But I didn't need to get so short with her. I know that I'm emotionally on edge these days because of you. I"m hurting. I find myself getting more angry at your Brian the last few days. I can't always pinpoint why. After I came home from Target, I cried some more, because it was one week since the last evening I spent with you. I miss you, but I don't want you to be in that situation again, with you not able to breathe very well. Oh, that made me so upset to see. In some ways it's easier now that you're gone, because it hurt so much to see you hurting. Now I know you're at peace, and the only person hurting is me.

When I get up in the night and want to go into the kitchen to get a granola bar or something, it's so weird to not have to step over the baby gate. And I go over to your create, mostly out of habit, but you're not there. Nobody's in your crate. I hate that. When your Brian isn't home, I call you even though you're not there. I just want to say those familiar things. And sometimes I sing those goofy songs. When other people are around, or in the car, I talk to you in my head.

I've been watching some videos of you. I took SO MANY pictures and videos of you over the years! I'm glad :) It's really nice to see you jumping and running all over the place. I honestly never thought it would get so bad that you wouldn't be able to jump on the couch and look out the window.

We got a really nice sympathy card from the vet. It was signed by almost everyone in the office. That meant so, so much to me. They all wrote little notes, even Dr. S. They all said you were a special girl they wouldn't forget. It was a lot more personal than most of these kinds of cards. Their kindness just made me cry and cry.

Mama loves you. Your meem loves you. I know you're taking your sleeps, and I'm glad. You're breathing so easily, and you're totally, totally relaxed and comfortable. You have all of your muscle mass back, and your abdominal organs are all normal sized, so when you lay down they don't press up your diaphragm. Your belly is sleek and trim, and you have all of your hair back. The cataracts are gone from your eyes.

[grapey]

Hey there heeno,
I just came into this coffee shop to work for a bit, and as I was wiping off my snowy feet on the mat, I remembered how you used to do this weird thing when you peed in grass. After you peed, you would sorta kick your back feet back, stirring up all this grass and dirt. It was hilarious. I wondered if you were channeling a cat trying to cover up its poop in a litter box. You did this little back kick thing for several seconds, usually with a big grin on your face. Crazy gir.

It made me laugh when I would have you go outside to pee, but you didn't want to, but you would squat down anyway and pretend to pee while looking up at me with this look on your face that said, Are you buying this? Huh? You buying this? haha :) And after that you would *still* go in the house and look up at the treat container. Tiny brat :)

I've heard people say, all the good animals go to heaven, but they don't think the bad ones will be there. I always respond, well, Elliott wasn't always perfect. She had her bratty behaviors. Yes, that's you, my stinkus! You would sometimes charge at Tobe just becuase she was where you wanted to sit. And when one of the cats would be sitting on Brian's lap, and you wanted to sit on his lap too, you would climb up and then just lay down wherever you wanted, even if it pushed the cat to the edge. You were my brat dog, but I say that with affection. You were never cruel or mean, just a brat sometimes :) That was part of what I love about you. Ryan said you had a big heart (metaphorically speaking) and a big personality to match. True, true, true. :)

Today I went to my appt with my therapist. My first appt with her since you died. I told her all about what led up to that hard decision and how it all happened very peacefully and beautifully. I am so glad I went back to therapy through all this. I knew I couldn't go through all this alone. It's too, too hard. It says a lot about how much I love you that I would start going to therapy again after three years away. I know that if I hadn't gone through d b t, I would never be surviving right now. My psych nurse who gives me my brain pills is a nice lady, and she's actually the one who strongly suggested I see a therapist, if only for a few appointments during all of this pain and stress. But she's not the most sympathetic person--she told me she grew up on a farm and didn't see animals as pets. But she's the pill person. My therapist, B, is the one I really talk to, and she loves pets too. I don't feel judged there.

Heen, I miss you so much. I cry multiple times a day. I ride the wave and cry whenever I need to. I'm actually getting through this, I think. Part of that, I think, is knowing you're not suffering anymore. You're not struggling to breathe. You're at peace. That gives *me* peace. But it still hurts so much. Mama loves you so much.

[grapey]

Just when I think, hey, I'm handling this pretty well, I have a night like tonight. I had a really rough evening. I miss you so much. I was thinking about how happy you were when we went to petsmart. I had to keep an eye on you around the toys/rawhides at your level--you'd grab them :) It was so fun going on petsmart trips. Right now, I don't know when I'll be able to go to a pet store again. Not for a while. I can't see all the dog stuff without crying.

So I'm awake at 1:30. This has been a pattern this week--I go to bed about 11 and wake up at 1:30 or so. And I eat two granola bars. The last few days I've been eating really terribly. It really scares me. I haven't eaten like this since before my pre-op diet in June. I am using food to comfort myself. I had a frickin candy bar for lunch!! I feel like Im reverting to old patterns and that terrifies me.

Mama misses you and loves you very mech.

[grapey]

Heeno, I'm so sad. I was in the car today and looking for your nose smudges on the window but I couldn't find any. It's weird to not have you jump in the car and snuffle in the cup holders, backseat, floor, etc. looking for crumbs. I tried to angle down the vents when I had on the heat or air conditioning. Some moments I'm doing well, and then something hits me and it's just like I hurt like the day you passed. I wish you were here. I squeezed your squeaky santa just to hear it and the sound almost made me cry. I miss that sound. I miss you snuffling against the bedroom door when you want in. I miss you not being there to help me cook when you eat the scraps that fall on the floor :) I had a little bit left of my cream of wheat last night and I wanted to let you have the rest. You didn't deserve to go at 9. You were too young. I truly wonder if my life is cursed. I don't want to bring another person or pet into my wake. I just can't expect to have a happy life like most people. That's my fate--to have bad thing after bad thing happen while others expect and get the good things. But you were the joy of my life for the time you were with me. A bright spot in the dark. I'm glad you're at peace and the only one hurting is me--not you.

[grapey]

Hey there stinky. I had quite a meltdown Wednesday. I felt more pain over your death than I'd had since t hot e day we put you to sleep. I was kind of relieved when I got my period the next day. I don't know if I care so much about having a baby anymore. I think it would be selfish to bring a person into this horrible world. Maybe I will Chan he my mind one day. But I truly think anyone who has lived my life would feel the same way. So lucky for those people who haven't seen the world like I have. You and Brian have been bright spots in the darkness. Maybe I will feel better someday.

Yesterday I thought I heard you jump down from the chair. Then my brain was waiting to hear your nails click on the kitchen floor and the sound of you drinking. We are thinking about putting the cat bowl on the floor instead of the tray because we don't have to worry about you stealing the cat food :) and we have left the lid off the litter box because we don't have to worry about you sneaking treats. Hilarious to hear you go for them the second I left for work and I could hear you thru the open window. I wondered if my voice sounded like the voice of God :)

I am relaxing w your Brian at the coffee place. A good day so far.

[grapey]

Hi there heen. I had a couple rough moments at work today. Tobe needs a refill on her lantus, but I didn't want to call the vet. I thought I would probably cry. But I did it, and I'm OK. Good thing I called because the pen is almost empty. Tobe's blood sugar is super high, hopefully just because we're shooting her mostly air. We'll have to take her in for a regular checkup, and I'm afraid to go back to the vet. I know I'll have to do it someday, and they've all been so good to us, esp. when it comes to you, so it's OK if I cry there (I'm sure I will). I know they'll understand. But you won't be there to eat your favorite jerky-flavored treats. You always loved *that* part of going to the vet.

Tonight I took the red blanket off your crate and the red pillow (which I don't know if you ever used). I think this is a good step for me. I'm not moving your crate or taking out your bed or the blanket inside, but at least now I'll be forced to see that your crate is empty. Sometimes at night, when I get a snack or something, I bend down and peek in your crate and wish you were there. I wish I would see you laying there, relaxed, and then your eyes would open and you'd look up at me, like, What? I'm just sleeping in here. :)

I was watching a video of you playing with the huge squeaky chicken. Wow that thing was loud and annoying. So great to see you jump on the bed, jump off, bring me the chicken and want me to grab it, then you grab it again ... that was the way it went. :) Sometimes, when I hope that you're in heaven, I picture you there with Jesus, and you're trying to get Jesus to try to grab the squeaky toy, but he can't grab it, because you pull back ... etc etc. That image makes me laugh :)

I was just remembering how your Brian would put you on your back and rub your belly, and you'd make this crazy face and this weird sound, and we'd say, She's lost it! She's totally totally lost it! That was different from your other crazy face though :)

[grapey]

Elliott! I'm saying your name in that singsongy way in my head. You've been gone for three weeks today. Sometimes it feels like a bad dream. Like I'm going to wake up and think, What a nightmare. And I'd be really upset, but mostly so relieved. I just have these moments where it doesn't seem real. It feels like in the back of my mind I think you're just being boarded, or staying with gram gram like the week after we got married. You being gone for two weeks was really hard. I missed you so much. I think two weeks was the longest I was ever away from you. Sometimes in my mind, as I'm talking to myself, I'll say something about "Elliott's death" or "When Elliott died ..." I'm getting more used to the phrase "Elliott died" but sometimes it just feels like a knife stabbing me in the heart. It seems so unreal that you're gone. I miss you so much. It really is terrible, terrible, terrible. Sometimes I just want to scream at the agony of it. I want to refuse to believe it. But also, sometimes, I envy you. You don't have to live in this #!@$# world anymore.

I gave those crumbly rawhides to my coworker today. The tiniest thing makes me emotional. Putting the rawhides in my purse and then taking them over to her desk made me upset this morning. I am glad to give them to her. She and her husband had to put one of their dogs to sleep in December I think, and then a year before that, her dog died suddenly. She and I both married later in life, and we both had wonderful doggies during our lonely single years. She and I don't talk much usually, but I knew she would understand what I'm going through, so on my way back from the restroom yesterday, I saw her by the sink, and she asked, how are you? And I honestly said, oh, just coming back from the bathroom, crying about my dog. And as I said it I choked up again. Well, we talked for a little bit about our dogs, and I was reminded how I've learned that sharing your pain with others can be very precious and healing. They have one dog left out of the three, and I thought she might like those bones. You loved hearing me ask "Rawhide?" Another one of your favorite things. Somehow, giving those bones to her and knowing they wouldn't just go to waste/be thrown away gives me a lot of comfort. Just like the specialists taking all of your leftover pills and supplements. I didn't know if they would, but they did, and that made me feel really good. It really hurt when your Brian threw them away after you died. He didn't think anything of it and he didn't know I would be upset. I'm not giving away anything else of yours.

I wish your were laying here in the chair next to me, sleeping peacefully, every once in a while taking a huge ol' snort. That always made me (and others) laugh.

I will continue to take one day at a time. But I am very down. Very depressed. They say that having a pet is really good for people with depression, because it gives them unconditional love. But they don't talk about how those people bond so deeply with their pets, and how they suffer when those pets die. I am suffering and feel very hopeless. Your Brian has been so supportive and good to me through all this. Things would be very, very, very bad for me if he wasn't here right now.

Your Brian's dad is moving into his new house next Saturday. I wish you could have had the chance to run around on his new property. Such a huge fenced in area, two acres. You would have loved it. At least you got to enjoy our landscaped backyard. But you were always happy with whatever we had or didn't have.

[molly muffin]

{{{{{HUGS JEN!!}}}}}

sharlene and molly muffin

[grapey]

Hi there baby dog. I went back to church today but I told your Brian I couldn't go in for the singing. I haven't listened to music, not really, since Dec. 5, the day from hell. I just can't listen to anything remotely emotional. Today I stepped into the lobby and heard a song, so I went out to the car and cried until your Brian texted me to let me know the music was over. Then, after the service, one of Brian's dad's friends said something insensitive. I know he's a good man and means well, but it really hurt. He said I should get another dog to replace you. He actually, seriously, used the word replace! At first I thought he was joking but he wasn't. I am in no way ready to get another dog. I can't even think about that right. I miss you too much. No one can take your place. You were truly a unique, hilarious, wonderful, crazy heeno pup.

I wish you could be here to see me shrinking. I didn't take a monthly photo in January, because such a thing seemed blasphemous with you so sick. But Brian took one today and I could hardly believe that was me. If you were here and feeling like yourself, we could go on such great long walks. I always had to try to wear you out because you had so much energy.

I keep thinking, in my really emotional times, that I hope you know that I did my best in taking care of you. I hope you know that I tried so hard. I'm sorry I couldn't help you like you deserved. I'm so sorry. I hope you can forgive me. I tried so hard. I hope you know how much I loved you--and still love you. Mama loves her baby girl.

[grapey]

Four weeks ago today. Last night was a rough one. I miss you. I'm angry that I lost you at 9. Your birthday is in two and a half weeks. You would have been 10. I'm angry that you died too soon. And I'm angry (not at you) that everything coalesced so that horrible day happened on our wedding anniversary.

Mama loves you and misses you very much.

[grapey]

Hi heeno. Mama misses you and loves you very much. Thank you for being my valentine baby girl all those years.

[grapey]

Hi honey. Saturday was one month. I decided it was time to get rid of the food containers. Yours was halfway full. As I was thinking about this, the strangest, most random thought popped into my head. It was: "I can't get rid of Elliott's food. What if she comes back--she won't have anything to eat." And then I cried and cried. I don't know why that sentence formed itself in my brain.

Anyway, I put your food into a couple gallon ziploc bags, and I threw away the rubbermaid containers. Another step for me. I'm trying to find someone to take your food. I really don't want to just throw it in the trash. I'm hoping someone can use it.

I did keep about a cup of your food in a ziploc bag and put it in the cabinet. Your Brian would probably think that's stupid. :) But I want to keep a little of that stinky food, because its smell reminds me of you. And it just makes me feel better to have it up there, I don't know why.

I miss you so much.

[grapey]

Hey there baby girl. Sunday was really rough. Your birthday. You would have been 10. I am angry that you didn't live as long as you should have. I miss you so much. I was pretty rude to your Brian on Sunday. I was feeling very emotional. Also on Sunday, I asked him to put away your crate. I was ready. It was hard to see your bed in there all alone. Your crate looked so empty. And now the area under the table looks so empty. I moved a couple things partway under there so it didn't look so bare. Your Brian put your bed in the corner of the living room and put your toys in it. I didn't expect him to do that, but I really like it. I'm so, so sad. I have been very depressed lately. Everything in life feels so blah. I go to my psych nurse on Thurs and I'll tell her all this.

More than almost anything else I hope I see you again.

[molly muffin]

Happy birthday Elliott.

Your momma misses you so much. Please watch over her.

Hugs
Sharlene and Molly muffin

[grapey]

Thank you. I appreciate your words more than you know.

[molly muffin]

Hugs Jen. I know she is still with you.
You may not see her but she is your protective angel.

Sharlene

[grapey]

It's a beautiful day here baby girl. When I walked in the door I automatically said, Hey Heeno. I haven't done that in a while. It surprised me. I was working at the coffee shop, and when I stepped outside it was so nice. And I immediately thought, Elliott would have loved this. We could go for a walk or go to the dog park. Sometimes the reality of you being gone hits me like a wave and I just feel so, so, so sad all over again.

I was thinking, today would be a good day to let Elliott hang out in the backyard by herself for a couple hours. You would run outside and grab the stick that always sat on the patio about one or two feet from the step. (I remember how you brought the stick inside a couple times! You would have done that every time if we hadn't told you to "drop it" :) If we didn't go out with you, or if we went out for a little but came inside and left you outside, seems like it would only take a few seconds before we'd hear you pushing on the screen door. You did not like to be out there without us :) Usually, though, you would eventually accept it. I always thought it was fun to look out at you from another window in the house. I would see you in the backyard, and you would be doing your thing, digging at a stick or whatever, and every so often you would turn your head and look at the door, waiting to see if you'd see us. I thought that was hilarious. It was also cute when I'd look outside and see you on the stoop to the garage, basking in the sun. You loved your suns. Then when you'd see me at the kitchen window, or the open door, you'd run for the house. It's so weird to hear the metal squeak of the screen door and not hear your tags jingling at the same time.

I wish you were in here laying on the afghan while I work. Or laying on the footstool, snoozing with your head on your paws. So cute. Or looking out the front window while standing on the arm of the couch.

Mama misses you, baby gir. Mama loves you.

[Arizona Boston]

I think that sounds sweet…arranging her bed with her toys on it. If it brings you peace when you look at it and not pain, then that's good. You can let them go when you're ready. Its odd to think that physical things remain after our loved ones are gone. My thing is scrapbooking….I get comfort from making the pictures and pages beautiful and reliving the memories. We humans are into rituals…dogs are more into the here and now. (well, at least thats what I think)

I've often wondered how she came to be called Elliott?
Shelly

[grapey]

Her name comes from two places--half from the cutest ever 3 year old boy I used to know (he's probably in college now, haha) and half from the female doctor Elliott Reed on the TV show Scrubs. :) In the end, I just loved the name, and it always sounded melodic to me. And for some reason it had to have two T's on the end. I so appreciated that her paw prints from the pet cremation place, and all of her paperwork from there, spelled her name right. Kind of weird to have a girl dog named Elliott, but the name was just *her.* :)

[grapey]

Hey there baby dog. I've been doing better I think the last few days. Your mama got prescribed some new crazy pills :) I hope they work. I think maybe they are. Today I had been doing pretty well, and then I came home and looked on petfinder, and thought about you and started crying today. Today was going to be the first day since you died that I didn't cry at all. So much for that :)

I don't understand all my feelings about getting another dog. Sometimes I think I would like to get another dog. Then I feel so guilty. No one could take your place, ever ever ever. I really feel like I could never find a dog as fun and crazy as you. If we ever did get another dog, I know that it would have to be a big dog and male, not small and a girl like you so . I don't know. I know that right now isn't the time. And I know that the pain I've gone through with you being sick, and everything that followed, has been agony. I never, never want to go through all of this again.

[molly muffin]

When you see a dog and think, this dog needs a home, they need a home with me. When you can look at them and feel okay, whether it is because You need them or they need you, whichever, however, it happens, when you feel okay about it. Then it is time. For some, it is very soon after losing their furbaby for others it can be much longer. Don't rush it. Look at petfinder by all means if you want to, but don't put pressure on yourself to feel any given way. It's too much.

Elliott would want you to be a happy person, more than anything in the world, that is what made her world go round. You, Happy you. If you were worried, she would worry, if you are sad, they will worry about you, dogs are amazing creatures with special bonds with their humans. So she wants to you be happy, if that happens, whatever the reason or the cause, then her tail would be wagging. (every little inch of it. LOL)

Don't pressure yourself too much. If you feel a cry coming on, go for it, if this day you remember and smile, that is fine too. Even better. Just --- no pressure. Elliott rules. (I love her name by the way)

super big hugs
Sharlene

[grapey]

Elliott's tail would sometimes wiggle a bit--it always looked weird when it did. Basically a tiny pig curliecue tail, like a typical Boston, haha.

[grapey]

Hi honey, today I was in the car eating a messy crunchy granola bar, and I was getting crumbs everywhere of course, and I thought, Elliott will clean this up for me. Funny how those thoughts just come to me naturally. Now who's going to clean up my food messes in the car? haha

[grapey]

Hey stinky. The weather is beautiful today. It's the first really nice evening, esp. with the extra hour of daylight. I thought I'd go in the backyard and clean up some leaves and twigs. I found a couple sticks that I'm sure I threw for you. It would be the perfect night for you to be outside with me, driving me crazy while begging me to throw a stick. You would have been "helping" me by trying to get the sticks :) I miss you so much tonight. I thought I might have wanted to go for a walk but I'm sure I would have seen a lot of people walking their dogs, and that would have been very painful. Yesterday I saw some footage on TV taken at the dog park, and that hurt a little too. I would have taken you yesterday; you would have loved it. Mama loves you. It wasn't right for you to go so soon. For you to have so many things happen to your little body before you even turned 10. But I know you packed so much living into your 9 years. We had a lot of fun together. I tried my best to take care of you the best I could, and I hope you knew that. I think you did.

[grapey]

Hi heeno. It's another nice day. Seems like every nice day, my first thought is, it's the perfect day to take E for a walk or to the dog park. I still get these moments where it just seems UNREAL that you're gone. I think about what it would be like if you just suddenly ran in the room. I would cry with joy. I know that today you're at peace. You're free. I don't have to worry about you anymore, because you're fine now. Thinking about that helps me. Mama just misses you so much.

[grapey]

Hey baby dog, I just watched a video of a boxer scratching her back on the grass by laying on her back and wiggling around ... kinda hard to explain with words, but that's exactly what you would do :) Usually when I got home from work, you'd do that on the carpet. And then you'd all of a sudden flip up like, You didn't see that, did you?

[grapey]

Hi heeno. These nice days are hard because I wish I could be taking you outside to enjoy the weather. I miss you today. Well, of course. I miss you every day. Just running into some specific things today that are stressing me out and I wish you were here with me. Two months ago yesterday we put you to sleep. Every day since has been hard. I am beyond angry at God for taking you so soon. It's not fair. This isn't something I can just get over. It's going to take time for me to work through it.

Mama loves you and misses you.

[grapey]

Missing you today, Elliott. Miss you very much.

[grapey]

Hi Ellie baby. Today I'm missing you so, so much. It kinda surprised me because I've actually been doing pretty well the last several days. I had a huge crying jag about a week ago Friday, and then I think the following Sunday I didn't cry at all--the first day I didn't cry at least once since we put you to sleep. Then Monday we headed off on the family ski trip, which was a lot of fun. And also very engrossing for me mentally, in part because learning to ski as a 36 yo is super hard, haha. I did cry a bit MOnday night, because when we went to pick up T's snowboard, the shop had a yellow lab, super calm and sweet. Petting her was like a balm for my heart. Then my mother in law came up and talked about how she'd love to get a calm dog like this, but in a 5 pound frame, and I was angry at her for interrupting my moment for her own selfishness. And I thought, she's the most controlling neat freak around; no way in heck she'll ever get a dog. That night, back in our room at the house, I cried to Brian, because that was the first dog I'd pet since you died.

I liked the lab but thought, you would never have just sat around in a ski shop letting total strangers pet you. You were too hyper and rarely sat still--you probably would have brought the people you liked a toy or ball and dared them to try to grab it so they could throw it for you, haha.

The rest of the week I've been pretty OK. Today, though, we're cat-sitting, and having a third animal in the house again has triggered thoughts of you. And the cat isn't getting along very well with L and G, and kinda just hides in the guest room, and I feel very guilty because I want everyone to get along. So I'm worried about this third animal, and that's reminded me of how hard it was to constantly worry about you. Although, of course, this situation is very different. The cat would have been even more miserable if you were here, haha!! He goes home tomorrow and I'm thankful. Right now I just need two cats, L and G, whom I don't have to worry about (and won't have to for a while, Lord willing).

I do think my new crazy pills are helping my state of mind. Overall, I know I've been doing better lately. But then a day like today comes, and I just know that I'm not ready for another dog and may not be for a long, long time. I miss you so much. Your mama misses you. Breathe easy and rest in peace, baby girl.

[grapey]

Hey stinky. I've been missing you lots the last few days. Today I saw a friend on facebook had posted a picture of her daughter, and she referred to her as her baby girl. I also saw some pictures of her doberman. The two seem to get along well.

I thought, I don't have kids and may never have them. And now I don't even have *my* baby girl because God took her away. So now I have no one. I thought, if I ever did have a baby, I would have loved for him/her to know Elliott. But that idea is gone now too.

Elliott, you're my baby girl. Mama misses you so much.

[grapey]

Hey there baby dog. I was remembering this morning how, when you peed outside, you'd sometimes kick back your legs over and over, kicking up grass, dirt, etc. I always thought that was weird but hilarious. You looked like you were having a blast doing it! It seemed like a cat-type maneuver, haha.

Some days I miss you ... more? I feel guilty saying that, as if the other days I miss you less, but the past few days you just seem to come to mind so often. Sometimes it seems like I can almost feel you in the house. I know that some days will be better than others. Some days I'll just be more upset about losing you. Today I'll try to get my crying over with this morning and not let it consume my day.

We went on a hike yesterday. You and I hiked that trail, back in 06 or 07 I think. I usually let you off leash, but with the leash still attached to your collar and dragging on the ground so I could step on it at a moment's notice. You would run ahead of me, then stop and turn around--I was much slower, haha. I didn't mind you wandering around ahead of me because I knew you'd come when I called. I can see very easily in my mind what it looked like to see you run ahead of me on a trail.

You and I had a lot of good times together. This is a great place for dogs to live. I think you had a lot of good experiences. I remember how I'd say, Happy girl? Girl happy? Haha, sounds pretty dorky when I type it out. But I really did want you to be happy. Happy go lucky, playful, sometimes a brat but I didn't mind--that's you.

Mama misses you. Mama is still very sad. Very sad. My sweet baby girl.

[grapey]

Three months today. I haven't been doing very well the last few days, to be honest. Mama misses you very much.

[grapey]

Hi baby girl. I have been missing you a lot, a lot the last few days. Very emotional. The last couple days I can probably attribute to pms, haha. But I was missing you an awful lot some days before that.

We went home for easter, and I was feeling emotional to be around dogs. I was so glad to see Maggie though. I don't know how to transition to this, so I'll just type that Maggie has a malignant tumor on her chest. It's not operable. The day Mom found out, I just cried and cried. For her, for Maggie, for you. A very bad easter. It brought back so many feelings about you. Especially because she was the reason I got you. I had never known any Bostons before Maggie, and I thought she was so great that I wanted to get my own. You were her "mini me" since she weighed at least twice as you, haha.

Last time I talked to mom, Maggie was doing OK. That was a few days ago so I don't know anything recent. She had been acting fine, eating and drinking, playing, going for walks. It was unbelievable to have to say goodbye to her knowing I might not ever see her again. I just couldn't believe it, so soon after you. I had taken comfort knowing she was OK, even if she was 12. I had always thought you would outlive her, but when you didn't, at least she was still there. It's a nightmare. Once we got home from the trip, a few days later, I started feeling better. But I'm just so, so sad. I don't know how much time she has. And I miss you so much.

All these nice days remind me of how sometimes I'd come home from work, and your Brian would be working in the garage, and you'd be in the backyard with a stick. I miss you greeting me when I come home from work.

I'm going back to therapy again. I feel like this has reopened a wound that was just beginning to heal. Brian prayed for my broken heart, and that's exactly what it is.

Mama loves you very much.

[grapey]

Hi stinky. Missing you today.

[grapey]

Hi heeno. Four months today. This weekend we're going to put the sod in. I so wish you could have enjoyed it. You deserved to have a nice grassy yard. At least we got the rest of the yard done in time for you to enjoy it.

Mama misses you very much. Mama is very down. Just depressed. Mama loves you.

[grapey]

Hey there baby girl. Mama misses you. We installed the sod last weekend. It looks really nice. I wish you were here to enjoy it. But you never cared about running over gravel, dirt, etc. It didn't bother you.

I'm glad you're safe and at peace.

[grapey]

Hey there baby girl. Your mama's heart hurts tonight, because gram gram is putting Maggie to sleep tomorrow. The tumor was getting too big. I am so, so sad. I never thought you and Maggie would have to go this soon, and within six months of each other. I am reeling, I guess. I can hardly wrap my brain around it all. I wish I could be there for mom. It's going to be very hard. But I guess it'll also be a relief, because Maggie won't be uncomfortable anymore, and it was only a matter of time.

Your mama can't believe this is happening and doesn't know how she'll get through all this.

[grapey]

Hey there my sweet girl. I haven't been on this site in a while. It was a very hard year. I would say 2014 was one of the hardest years of my life. Grieving for you was harder than I ever expected. And then Maggie died. Just a cluster@#$ of a year, really.

I'm back because yesterday was the one-year anniversary of the day you died. I wasn't sure what I would say here, but I wanted to say that as the year went on, I got better. I think the turning point came in late summer/early fall, when I did some emdr in therapy on some memories of you that were haunting me. Images I didn't want. Once I did emdr on them, I feel like something broke loose inside me--in a positive way. :) AFter that point I was able to heal more.

Then Lily (aka, Tobe) got very sick in late October/early November. I couldn't believe that we were back at the internal medicine vet. It was a nightmare. But I became comfortable with the specialists, with the emergency dept, and even with the "comfort room" where they put you to sleep. I never in a million years thought I'd ever be back in that room. The first time I went there, it was so hard. I cried and cried. But we were there for a happier reason--to talk to the vet so we could take Tobe home that day. We ended up having to take her back, and then a longer stay, and more visits with her in the comfort room while she remained there as a patient. The room is right across the hall from the icu. A room that also killed my heart the first time I went in, because that was where the nurse took you that morning and put you in the oxygen tent. And then, the day we were taking Tobe back to her cage, the day I really thought we were about to lose her, and I saw a Boston in the cage next to hers, and I cried and cried. I asked your Brian, do you think this is a sign? In that, a sign we should let Tobe go? Brian said, I don't believe in signs.

Writing all this is hard. It's reminding me of a terrible time. But today, I focus on what's happening right now: Tobe is home. It's been over two months. Her kidney values have dipped into normal and her blood sugars are a lot more stable. I am so, so thankful. We have had countless appts with Dr. C, and she's amazing. She was so good with you. And she's been so good to Lily.

Taking care of her and paying all the money had a great deal to do with you. I knew I couldn't lose another pet.

They told me that one day, Tobe was meowing and seemed upset about the dog in distress in the cage below hers. A Boston terrier was in the cage. The vet told Dr. C about it later, who relayed it to me. That vet didn't know about you and that Tobe had lived with a Boston for years. Dr. C. was so kind to tell me this.

I miss you so much. You were a one of a kind. I truly consider you to be my baby girl. My daughter. I am (was?) your mama. Losing you broke my heart and made a piece of me die inside.

But I want to tell you that I am starting to feel joy again. I'm listening to music again. Because your Brian and I are going to have a baby. :) He has brought me a joy I haven't felt since I lost you. I am so grateful. And being pregnant with him (it's a boy :) has also validated my feelings of grief even more. I truly view you as my first "baby," my daughter. I hold this view even with a tiny little human in my belly.

I had this image in my mind yesterday of you playing with the baby. The baby was very young, just able to sit up on the floor, and you would be bringing him the ball or toy and daring him to grab it, but of course you would be a brat and always dart out of reach. :) I think the baby would laugh and laugh at this game. I also was just thinking of how fun it would be to watch you and him run around the yard. You would have a blast chasing each other.

I love dogs but I don't have any plans to get another one in the foreseeable future. We are content with the two kitties, and esp. have our hands full taking care of Tobe. And then the baby will be here. I just don't have the emotional energy to handle another pet. I can't go through that pain again. Maybe I'll change my mind later. Who knows.

I miss you every day, my stinky. Mama loves you and misses you. She's so sad that you're gone. But she knows that you're safe and at peace, and she's coming to believe that Jesus will bring you back to her in heaven one day.

[labblab]

Dear Jen, what you have written touches my own heart very deeply. You are honoring our entire family here by returning to share with us your feelings, your thoughts, and especially your news about your little baby boy who is on the way. I am so glad to hear that through the course of this year, you have found a way to move forward with life and with love. This does not mean you will ever stop missing Elliott. As you say, she will always remain your first baby daughter, forever and ever. The circle of love can never be broken because it remains alive forever in your heart, your memories, and your spirit. It warmed my own heart reading about the images in your mind's eye of Elliott and the baby playing together. Because this is the great gift and connection of love, after all. We carry our loved ones inside of us forever, although in a form that is seen and felt very differently than when they were physically beside us. I'll bet your little boy will giggle to hear stories told about a very, very special doggie named Elliott who is still watching over her family with love.

I send my best wishes to you, Jen, and to Brian and the kitties and new baby boy on the way. And of course to little girl Elliott who is chasing sticks this very moment with my Barkis and all our other babies who patiently await us at The Bridge.

Marianne