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Fellasmom
04-23-2013, 04:12 PM
Fella,
I know you would hate to see Mommy so upset.I think that's why your heart stopped just as I was heading up the hill to the hospital to see you.I was right there my baby,just down the hall,a few doors away.I hope loving hands held you as you took your last breath.I hope you knew your mommy was there.It hurts so much my boy not to have you here with us.

I'm so glad we had our special time last week,just you and I.We saw the pretty mountains and lakes,we went to the beach,sat in the gardens,and after that acupunture,you slept like a baby the whole ride home.I never knew that would be our last week together,

I don't know what happened Fella.I just know I miss you terribly.Mommy can't believe you're gone.You were loved SO much!!I feel like you felt betrayed by me when you woke up from that surgery.I beg you my little Fella,give mommy a sign that you understood,that you knew why I did it,that you died feeling loved by me.I loved you every second of everyday of your life.That surgery was supposed to heal you.I chose it BECAUSE I love you,but yet I lost you.I'm so hurt and confused.I always knew you knew just how much you meant to me,until NOW.I love you my little boy.

Fellasmom
04-24-2013, 02:12 PM
Oh Fella honey,I'm going to try really hard not to block you.I'm going to close my eyes tonight and try to feel your love instead of torturing myself.You did an amazing job of showing me that things weren't right.I couldn't shake the feeling that during our last week together,you were telling me goodbye.I dragged you to that surgery and you didn't want to go.It was the only day you didn't jump up to go out and pee.So many things make more sense now.You knew that day would be your last here.You wanted me to know that.While the doctors thought you looked "better" postop,I couldn't shake that horrible feeling that your were sicker than what they thought.You're right,I did GET it,I just wasn't fully aware of it at the time.The effort it took for you to lift up your little head,to look at me,to let me know you knew I was there....well,it was beautiful and showed just how much we loved one another.We had the chance to say goodbye.I love you more than life itself and I miss you so much.Of all the wonderful things you've given me,you knew I was alone.How amazing that your illness led me to this site and because of that,I've never felt alone since you left.Its really because of you that I have a lifeline of love and support.That's one of the last gifts you gave me and I'm so grateful.Grace and I are going on vacation this wknd to begin healing and I hope we see you there!!!!I love you my little boy.

Fellasmom
04-25-2013, 05:15 PM
Hi Fella
Thinking about you all day today. I wish I could hold you one more time.Can't believe it's been a week already.You were so brave during that surgery and you did so well!I'm so proud of you.I planted the yellow tulips today.We had a great Easter together and every spring,when I see those tulips,I'll think of you.I'm sorry I'm so sad today baby.I did take one of your pictures and put it out in the living room so mommy can see you.So many tears today for you my lil boy.Tomorrow Grace and I are going on an adventure.Gracie is very sad and misses you...are you giving her balls?:).I love you Fella and miss you terribly.Love you always X0X0X0X0X0X0

Fellasmom
04-26-2013, 07:58 AM
Good morning Fella!
I listened to you and try not to think of "the end" so much but it has been one week today since I lost you.My heart aches today and I dread every Friday to come.I imagine you with lots of friends and endless good things to eat.Remember when mommy would say "do you want something good to eat?"-I loved the expression on your face when I said those words to you!!:).You just knew the good stuff was coming!-Gracie said thanks because she polished off the rest of the stew I made you last week.I hope I see you soon,just a little sign Fella to let mommy know you're happy.Did Tia find you yet?Her mommy hates Fridays too!Know its alot to ask,but maybe you two could give us a sign one of these Fridays just to let us know you're close??Would really love that.We are packing up for our adventure today.So glad you could be a part of so many of our trips-won't feel the same without you this time.Keep Buster company though as we can't take him with us.I love you my little boy and miss you more every day!!Give Kelsey kisses for mommy.

Fellasmom
04-30-2013, 01:58 PM
Hi my boy
I really miss you.I promised myself I would sleep upstairs last night,but I just couldn't do it without you being there.I can't stop crying my little Fella.I miss you so much.I just want to see your sweet face again and hold you.Gracie and I had a nice time together in the mountains.You never left my thoughts and I even had a dream about you up there!!I woke up happy for the first time.I got the bill from the vet last night when we came home.It was so hard to read it and know what you went through while there.Mommy didn't know they were taking out your spleen.I understood it that they were taking out a spot on your spleen,not the whole thing!I'm so sorry my little guy!!I keep wondering if it was just too much for you and I feel so responsible for not being a good mommy!I must have misunderstood him honey.I feel like it's my fault that you're gone.I feel so cold and alone and wish you were beside me.I'm sick to my stomach thinking that they took your spleen out.I asked so many questions and thought I was being so careful,and now I feel like horrible for what I put you through!I emailed the doctor to answer my questions,as I have so many now and can't help but feel that had they just did the adrenal removal,that you would be here with mommy,Gracie and Buster.Had they been clear that they were taking out the entire spleen,I would asked so many more questions,I really would have honey.I loved you so much,I would never have done anything to hurt you or add more risks to this surgery.I'm so sorry my little Fella.I hope one day I can forgive myself.I love you so much and miss you so much it hurts.Kisses always my llittle boy.

Fellasmom
04-30-2013, 06:30 PM
Hi my boy
I just recieved your ashes in the mail!!I would have much rathered picked them up and carried you gently to my car.How impersonal!!It's hard to imagine that less than 2 wks ago you were playing and rolling in the grass.If only we could go back to that time-you seemed so happy even though you were sick honey.The first thing I'm going to do is to find a special box to put you in.You were a free spirit and I need to unscrew that box and set you free.I will place you with Kelsey since you loved her so much.I still remember how you would just put your paws up against hers,just so that you could touch her.I know that you are together again at last.I love you Fella-I made Grace "something good to eat"...I miss your lil face when I would say those words to you!I placed you in the living room since you loved being with all of us and that's where we spend our most time as you know.You'll always be a part of our family.You must have read Buster the riot act when we were gone-he now sits beside me on the couch in your spot!Mommy misses you so much XOXOXO

Fellasmom
05-01-2013, 09:11 PM
Hi baby
You'll be happy to know that I didn't cry today!All day I just thought about how cute you are and how you would always make me laugh!Gracie loved the beach today and found 2 more balls!Thanks!!:D.I love you and miss you so much.

I'm going to find a beautiful music box for you.Mommy is still very annoyed that you arrived via UPS!:eek:.But,I'm so glad you're back home where you belong honey!Gracie and Buster miss their little brother too.I laughed about you today.Sally said that she wondered if when dogs looked in the mirror,were they able to see their own image?Like,would Gracie see a golden retriever and know that it looked like her?We laughed because I told her that when you looked in the mirror,all 20lbs of you-you saw a growling 80lb pitbull!!:D:D.I loved that fiesty side of you!!I just read that chihuahuas were in the top 10 watchdogs!And you are proof of that my dear.I actually am a little scared here at night without my little 20lb protector.Gracie and Buster snooze thru the night but you would sleep with one eye open,always on alert and ready for anything!!I loved that about you!!-you would take on a lion if you had to-I love you my baby and so grateful for this "happy" day remembering all the things I loved about you!!.Love you my sweet baby boy.

Fellasmom
05-02-2013, 08:58 AM
Good morning
Had to ask you a favor today.After losing you,I'm so scared of losing Gracie too.Mommy needs Gracie and Buster more than ever now.Please keep her safe and here with me for a very long time.
I still remember the day after we lost Kelsey.You came up to me and just stared at me.It was like I looked deep into your big brown eyes for the first time.You understood.Your eyes just looked deep into my soul and we both knew at that moment,we would be there for one another always.

Now,Gracie and I are here for each other.Gracie is missing you as I am.Please keep her in my life for a very long time.We really need each other,now more than ever!We all miss you so much-I made Gracie a special meal last night and knew you would have loved mommy making "something good to eat".:).I can still see your little face cocked to one side when you heard those words.I see little dogs everywhere these days on the beach and it always makes me think about what I would always say to you"there's only one Fella"!...I miss you so much honey.I hope you're not terrorizing all the big doggies where you are.:).I'll write to you later but woke up today and missed seeing your little face beside me and beginning my day with saying "good morning Fella"...how we loved that!!Love you my little boy
PS-Grace is loving those balls!:D.

Fellasmom
05-02-2013, 05:30 PM
We miss you so much Fella.You are the best boy in the whole world.I love you my baby and it's so hard without you here.Kisses and hugs to you from mom,Gracie and Buster.

Fellasmom
05-03-2013, 08:09 AM
Fella
I thought of you last night as it was 2 wks ago last night that mom came up to visit you after your surgery.What a brave boy you are!The effort it took to lift your sweet head,twice,just to let me know you heard me whispering how much I loved you.I had no idea that was goodbye my sweet boy!My heart crushes when I think of that moment.But I'm so grateful that I came to see you that night.I initially was going to let you rest and see you in the morning.But I just needed you to know I was there-I didn't want you to wake up and feel alone.I felt so violated for you when I discovered they had removed your spleen!I'm so sorry mommy misunderstoood.I would have asked a thousand questions to make sure it was the right thing to do honey.

I wish I could hold you and kiss your little face all over-you loved mommy's kisses!I try to think of funny stories to share about you but all that comes to mind is that you were mommys boy.I think it's just too painful for me to open up that way right now.All I can think about is you and snuggling with you.I can't seem to make it up the stairs honey.Gracie and Buster are so good-they love it upstairs but now both sleep together on the loveseat.I hope I have the courage to sleep in the bed without you soon.I just can't stand the thought of not holding your little leg as we fell asleep and not looking to my right the moment I opened my eyes and seeing you beside me.What a great little boy you are!!Gracie really enjoyed her meal last night,you would have loved it!

Today is 2 wks since you have been gone.My heart is broken.I miss and love you so much my little one.I know you are loving your girl Kelsey right now.It's a comfort to know you are together.Miss you all the time honey.Love you my little Fella!!!!!

apollo6
05-03-2013, 05:10 PM
my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for your loss. Keep writing and let it out. It is like part of you dies with them. I lost my baby Sept 9,2012. He died in my arms. I still cry and miss him every day. Once they are in your heart, they never leave. We are here for you.
Hugs and love Sonja and Angel Apollo.
feel what you need to feel.
go to a support lose group if you can.

Fellasmom
05-04-2013, 07:08 PM
Hi Fella
Such a beautiful day today-poor guy,you barely got out all winter with the 2 blizzards we had.I still remember being petrified in bed,you by my side,no electricity with 3 feet of snow pounding down on us.I remember hearing the roar of the ocean and holding on to you so tight.You were always there for me little one.You were so smart,you would hear something just once and remember it.You learned how to sit and give mommy your paw without ever being taught!

Remember being out and seeing the coyote a few months ago?Mommy was scared-not my Fella!!You stood guard by those windows,ready for action,pacing back and forth,letting that little bugger know that you meant business if he came back!I loved that and so many things about you my boy!You took it upon yourself to be the protector of us.I never expected that of a 20lb little guy but you took your job very seriously.While Gracie and Buster snoozed,you were right up at the crack of dawn with mom.I would beg you to stay in bed,under the warm blankets,but wherever mom's going,Fella is going too!We had so much alone time together while the others slept.Lazy buggers!!:).I miss you so much honey and I will always love you but you already know that.:).
Hope you're running around playing with Kelsey and having loads of fun and lots of "something good to eat":).Always remember what I used to tell you...mommy lovvvvves Fella!:).

Fellasmom
05-09-2013, 07:14 PM
Hi Fella
I know it's been a couple of days since I wrote-sometimes writing makes me sadder,maybe because it forces me to acknowledge that you're really gone.Even though I may not write,I think about you everyday,sometimes all day.I miss you so much.When I go to grab Gracie's leash,your coat and leash are right there.I can't help but lean in close,close my eyes,and smell you.Oh,I can still smell you-I hope your scent is there forever.

Its only been 3 wks tomorrow but it feels like forever since I looked in your eyes and held you.I got your puzzle today!!It was and easy one but I was so happy to find it today.I just can't used to you not being here.I still grab "your" treat at night and then sadly realize,you're not here to eat it.I have to go to NY tomorrow and get all our stuff that we managed to salvaged from the hurricane.I'm going to see all our doggie friends-Jelly Roll,Mia,Colby,Zoe and Strudel.Remember mommy found Charlie in the same place she found you?Charlie became our next door neighbor when we lived in NY and you hated him!!We used to laugh and say the two of you must of have been in opposite gangs when you ran the streets of the Rockaways!:).Well,Dottie lost Charlie too,so be on the lookout and BE NICE my boy!:).It will be sad to be in NY and be without you.That was where mommy found you and "captured" you-always told you Nov 8th 2002 was the best day of my life when I found you my little one!You made the past 10 1/2 years so happy for me.So many memories.We will miss you in the car tomorrow,yelling at all the tractor trailers along rte 95.You didn't like anything bigger than you!:).I love you so much and miss you everyday.You're gonna feel ALOT of love this weekend from all your gang in NY as well as Aunt Patty,Lorraine and Donna-they loved you almost as much as mom!
Love you my boy!!

Fellasmom
05-15-2013, 01:18 AM
Fella
I love you and miss you everyday.Went to where I found you this past weekend.Oh,how I wish I could find you again and do it all over!I miss you and love you so much little guy.I'm having a hard time writing today.Life seems so empty for all of us without you my little Fella.I can't write without starting to cry.Grace and Buster are sitting beside me in "your" spot-I love you all so much!!I hope you know that even tho I don't write everyday,you are always with me every second of every day.I close my eyes and just think about holding you and kissing your little face.I love you little one.
Hope you can feel my kisses
Love,
Mommy,Gracie and Buster

Fellasmom
05-15-2013, 01:52 PM
Fella
Life feels so empty without you.Nothing really matters anymore now that you're gone.Of course,Mommy loves Grace and Buster but that's about all I care about these days.Seems like life is passing me by and all I want to do is get you back.With each passing day,you feel furthur and furthur away from us.Every time I write to you,I start sobbing.I just want you back Fella.I can't imagine having to live my whole life without you being a part of it.

Please watch over Gracie.She is so out of sorts since you've been gone.I think she is trying to step into your shoes,and she is not happy!She doesn't want to watch mommy,watch the house-that was your job.You know Gracie-she just wants to be silly and play and have no responsibility.I think she misses you being in charge and taking care of me.She loves me but she was not ready to take on this job like you so readily did when Kelsey passed.I sometimes think getting another dog might take some heat off of Grace and she can relax and be her silly old self again.I look everywhere Fella-I keep thinking if it's the right thing and meant to be,well then surely you will put a new baby in my path.I wish I could find YOU again though my little guy.You were the best boy anyone could ever hope for.

We all miss you so much-life will never be the same for any of us again without you Fella.You feel so far away and that makes me so sad.I keep looking for you Fella-just give mommy some sign that you're okay.I love you my little boy.Remember I always used to say-Mommy lovvvvvves Fella!:).XOXOXO

SachiMom
05-16-2013, 05:31 PM
I keep thinking if it's the right thing and meant to be,well then surely you will put a new baby in my path.
In time your heart will heal a little, you will walk that path with Fella watching over you and find another special friend to hold and love.
Hugs ~ Mary Ann

Fellasmom
05-17-2013, 09:26 PM
Fella
Four wks ago today was one of the saddest days of my life.I miss you so much honey.Today was mommy's first birthday without you.Nothing seems right without you here.I still can't believe that you're gone.Today I had to wash the blanket that was on the couch,it was long overdue.Mommy slept with it since you've been gone because it smelled like you.I sobbed today as I just couldn't stop smelling it.I closed my eyes and just smelled that blankie.Oh,Fella!I can't stand it that you're not here with us!I just sob and sob and miss you more each day.Gracie and Buster have been so good and Buster sleeps exactly where you used to.What a wonderful loving boy Buster is!Gracie has changed so much since you've been gone.She is trying to be like you now and she doesn't like it one bit!You loved watching all of us and being in charge.Gracie is trying her best but I know she is daydreaming about running upstairs and playing and being her silly self.She is now trying to steal Buster's food as I write this!I can just picture you beside me,watching her and rolling your eyes and thinking-'oh no,what trouble is she getting herself into now!'..:).I love you my little Fella!

As I was getting gas today,I saw a sign for the lottery which is up to 400 million I think.I never play,but maybe since it's mommy's birthday,I'll get lucky.I played your birthday,my birthday,Kelsey's,Gracie's and Buster's.Wish me luck sweet boy!

Well,even though I know how much you miss us,you must love being with your girl Kelsey.Give her kisses from mom baby,okay?I love you little one.Always and forever my little Fella XOXOXO

Fellasmom
05-19-2013, 07:19 PM
Fella
I miss you little boy.Everytime I start to write to you,I start to cry and just can't stop.That's the only reason sometimes I don't write to you.But,you are always on my mind and in my heart-ALL the time little one.Today was exactly one month that I lost you.Oh,how much I miss you my dear baby!The pain of not having you in my life is unimaginable.I try to think about all those wonderful years we had together-I wouldn't trade them for the world!You are the best boy in the whole world.Grace still isn't the same without you-she's had you as a big brother her whole life so it's hard for her,as it is for all of us.Sometimes,I don't even think she likes me anymore,she's just so different now.Nothing is the same without you.Oh,Fella,I wish this pain would lessen.I feel like you've been gone forever sometimes.

Was that a sign from you last night?I got cheesecake in NY and right on the menu,was a baby sized portion called "the little Fella"!I couldn't believe what I was seeing!I just staring at that menu in disbelief because that's exactly what I call you!I hope it was you fella cuz mommy noticed it right away!!:)Keep showing yourself to me okay baby?I love you so much.I wish I could just go back in time,maybe I could have done things differently.I just hope you know how much I love you.This month I have barely existed without you.Here's mommy,sobbing again!!Goodnight my sweet boy,I will love you forever.Please never leave us,always stay close.Thanks.
Love and kisses to you and Kelsey

Budsters Mom
05-19-2013, 07:28 PM
Wow! I love the little fella cheesecake!:). Of course that was a message just for you!:)

Hugs,
Kathy and Buddy:cool:

Budsters Mom
05-20-2013, 10:16 PM
Patty,
I read your message on my thread. I do not doubt for a moment that the cheesecake was definitely Fella's message to you. You have been asking for a sign. That one couldn't have been any more perfect! You were out having a nice time, then the sign. That is the way it was meant to be! Fella is watching over you and wants you to be happy again. He will always be with you Patty where it matters the most, in your heart!:)

Love and Hugs,
Kathy and Buddy:cool:

Trixie
05-21-2013, 01:07 AM
Oh I love the little Fella cheesecake story and yes, I agree with Kathy- that's quite a sign for you. Your posts to Fella are so sweet and heartfelt. How hard it is to lose such a loving little companion.
Barbara

Fellasmom
05-22-2013, 11:52 AM
Hi my little one
I miss you so much-yesterday was the first day it has really rained since you've been gone.I grabbed the towel and as always,said "towel" and it just tore at my heart not to see you there,waiting patiently for your little towel rub.It's the routines that are no longer the same that really just get me.Grace,Buster and I watched TV in bed and I just kept looking at the spot beside me and wishing with all my heart that I could lean down and kiss you like always.

I don't think you can top the "little fella" cheesecake sign,but I really need a sign from you since I have a dilemna that is tearing at my heart and causing some confusion and guilt.Mommy did a stupid thing the other day.Ever since I lost you,I look at little doggies looking for homes online.My intention is never really to adopt them but somehow I find looking at them comforting,maybe they just represent a new beginning,a new life,happiness..I don't know!Anyhow,I saw a little doggie that looked just like you!!It's you but with freckles all over(which btw,many would think they were unattractive,but it made mommy think they were even more adorable!)The resemblance was startling because everyone would always guess what you were...a mix of chihuahua,papillon,pomeranian,love bug:D?...all I know is that we never saw anyone that looked like you and that's why I used to say"there's only one Fella":).And of course,that IS true but boy did this little one look like you!!Well,I just kept going back to look at him-they described him as a cuddler,a lover-just like you!!Oh Fella,I love him already but I know it's for all the wrong reasons.As you know,I got Grace WEEKS after losing Kelsey-I never thought I would do that.I remember sitting in my car crying,wondering if because I just needed another golden baby to love,if I was betraying Kelsey,or if by getting another so soon meant I didn't love or miss her so much.She loved the snow and I sat in the car and begged her to give me a sign it was okay.And I swear,about 10minutes later,a big gust of snow squalls began swirling around and lasted for a few minutes!!!!!!I just know it was her telling me she wanted me to pass all that love I had in my heart to another and it was just what I needed to feel it was okay.For some reason,I feel more hurt and betrayal when it comes to getting another after losing you.I think it's because I feel I was "robbed" and that you were "taken' from mommy.I find very little peace with how I lost you and that's the big difference.I feel heartache,anger,confusion and shock when I think about how I lost you.My head screams"this wasn't supposed to happen!!!!!!!!!"."I had this surgery because I didn't want you to die!!!!!!

So,back to the other doggie.His name is "Romeo":).I got a little more curious and sent an email and found out more about him.He was found roaming the streets in georgia and animal control picked him up.A nice foster mom picked him up and she is fostering him at her doggie day care facility called canine clubhouse.I looked up on FB and saw even more pics of him-boy,he could be your twin!(of course,minus the freckles!:)).She told me he is 2yrs old and gets along great with all the other dogs and cats too.I'm sitting here so hurt and confused.A part of me knows that Kelsey and Buster and mommy need another little boy to love.All that love we had for one another is just sitting inside my heart,waiting until I have the courage to take all of it and pour it into another.I do think that's a way of keeping your love alive-by giving a part of it to another.I'm afraid however,that it may seem that I'm "replacing" you,getting another so quickly.It will never ever take away the love I have for you or the pain of losing you.I am consumed with those two thoughts everyday.I'm afraid that by getting another it somehow doesn't reflect how much I loved you,that I could get another so quickly,as if life goes on so easily for me!That is so far from the truth little one and I hope you know that.Even if I had another,I will still miss you everyday of my life.I don't want "life to go on",I just want you back my baby boy!!Mommy is grieving so deeply and so hurt I just don't know WHAT to do!!I can't help but feel if I got another so soon,it would like you didn't matter all that much to me.You were my world and really nothing ELSE mattered,as long as you,Grace and Buster were a part of my life.What do I do my little one?

Fellasmom
05-23-2013, 12:37 AM
Hi sweet boy
Gracie and I took a snooze and now are up late and wide awake!Still haven't heard from the doctor and now I am getting more worried that the results will make me feel worse,if that's even possible.

I do remind myself of the remarkable connection that we had however.I still think about how suddenly I was flooded with impending doom thoughts about you.Still don't know where they came from.I remember looking at you and thinking "why am I feeling this way?".I NEVER worried about you my little one!You did something to give me a heads up-I'll never know what it was,but it's truly telling of the powerful connection we shared.Those thoughts hurt me and confused me,but in hindsight,how amazing was it that we were able to share that!Its because of that whole experience with you,that I would find it almost impossible to believe that your spleen would come back negative.That's NOT what you were telling me and I have 100% faith in our amazing connection-it was mental telepathy of a sort.What an amazing boy you are!:).I always end up sobbing when I write to you.Not having you here is here is heartbreaking.I still smell all your things and so wish I could just see your sweet face and hold you.I love you my little Fella boy.Kisses to you and Kelsey.XOXO
.

Fellasmom
05-23-2013, 12:58 PM
Fella
It's so hard to go on without you.I just found pictures of you and it broke my heart.Life will never be the same without you in it.:You were so little and cute in the pictures-I've just been sitting here sobbing all day long Fella.I will never feel any peace in the manner that you died.Mommy was supposed to be with you.I was supposed to hold you and kiss you goodbye YEARS from now.There is such little joy most days without you in them.I love you so much and miss you more!!!!!!!!So many memories my boy-you were the best boy in the world and loved so much.Just wanted to tell you that my baby.
Love and kisses XOXOXO
Mom and Grace and Buster

Scarlett'sdad
05-23-2013, 10:35 PM
Patty, So sorry a wonderful love story ended this way for you and Fella. Something of the same sort happened to me, I made a bad treatment choice that made Scarlett feel worse for two months. She definitely did not want to go into the emergency clinic that night, I should have been more intuitive and listened to her. Just when she was feeling good again, another disease took her away. Losing two months is always bad, much more so when time is short. I have felt very guilty most days since April 12, but looking back I was faced with a tough decision (juggling multiple symptoms, caused by diagnosed and at the time undiagnosed diseases) and though I know I was wrong, it always seems easier in hindsight. Possibly any path we choose will eventually lead us to err as we are only human, and dealing with multiple health issues for years is by no means easy; one can easily forget all the right choices we made under pressure. The vets make mistakes even with all their schooling and experience that we don't have the advantage of. I know our companions would not want us to let the love we shared be pushed to the background in our memories by guilt. Fella will always love you, and I hope you feel his continued presence in your life as you make great memories with Romeo.

apollo6
05-24-2013, 04:44 PM
let the feelings out. And try to copy your posts so you can read later.
Hugs Sonja and Angel Apollo

Budsters Mom
05-24-2013, 06:25 PM
Patty,
Yes, Keep letting those feelings out.

Sending big hugs and lots of love!

Kathy and Buddy:cool:

Fellasmom
05-25-2013, 08:22 AM
Fella,
I just wanted to quickly say hi and tell you I love you.I still haven' heard from the doctor and those awful feelings creep up and I start thinking they did something wrong to my boy.MY mommy decided to visit and stay over with me for the wknd.You and Grace love her!Grace was whimpering when she came in and jumped on her and smothered her face and ears with kisses!:).The house just isn't the same without you my little one.We both miss you here but I'm glad I have company today since my mom will keep me busy and I won't sit here and think about why this has happened to you.I read about so many poor little ones who have had your surgery and are now home with their mommies!:).One minute I think I'll be at peace with NOT hearing from him and then I panic and feel sick and start to think-WHAT DID THEY DO TO YOU????I sobbed myself to sleep thinking about that my little one.The only thing that consoles me is the faith I have in the ways you showed me you were sick.Sometimes I think that maybe I picked up the signs wrong-you know momma,always second guessing!:).BUT,if I find out they made a mistake and you're not here because of that mistake,not only will I never forgive myself,but I will fantasize about taking my hands and wrapping them around that surgeons throat for the rest of my life.:mad::mad:.:eek::eek:.I love you my little boy-I have to tell you about another little boy named Romeo but I will leave that for later.I think you would love him my little Fella.:).

Maybe tomorrow I'll feel differently,but first I need to hear from that doctor so I can find peace with everything that has happened.I will talk to you about it and then I will tell you all about this little one.Maybe you already know?Maybe you sent him to mommy?:):).I would love that my little one!:They say he is a lover boy which so many say was NOT you-they only know your tough side.They don't know that your was all for show:).You being a loverboy was you and mommy's secret!:D.

I love you my little boy!!

Fellasmom
05-27-2013, 10:17 AM
Oh Fella
I'm so sorry little one!As time goes on,the pain only gets worse.I go over and over all the things I did to keep you safe.I never let you off the leash.On our many road trips,I always made sure I put your lead on through the open window before opening the door to prevent you from jumping out unleashed.I always read up on what was the best food for you.I brushed you all the time.I waited and waited till I found the perfect vacation spot that allowed doggies so that you could always be with mom.I put stairs leading to the bed just in case it was too high of a jump for you.I always watched out for coyotes and other wild ones before I took you out.I did EVERYTHING to make sure you were safe!!I never thought of losing you but I guess if I gave it any thought at all,I would wonder if I would have to take you to a vet or if mom would find that you had passed on at home.THOSE WERE THE ONLY 2 OPTIONS.

I go over and over what happened to you.I should have waited little one.I should have found a better place to take you.I should have gave it more thought.I should have taken my chances with the blood clot and just waited.I just threw you so carelessly to strangers.I should have asked about the spleen when they called.I'm convinced they made a horrible mistake and you suffered as a result.I go to sleep thinking about seeing you in so much pain and seeing the blood on your belly.I never should have taken you there!!

I spent my whole life keeping you safe.You were supposed to die in my arms,listening to me tell you how much mommy loves you as you took your last breath.Your last thought should have been of the incredible love we shared.Instead,I just shipped you off to strangers and died without me,with tubes and breathing machines and suffered till they ended your misery.How could I spend my whole life keeping you safe and end up losing you that way?THAT doesn't at all reflect how important you were to me and how much I loved you!!!I'm so sorry my little one-I loved you more than life itself and my life is empty without you.I HATE thinking you died and may have questioned my love for you.I deeply regret not waiting but I DO love you very much-you were my world.I'm sorry-can you forgive me?

Fellasmom
05-30-2013, 11:48 PM
Fella
Just want to say I miss you so much!!I love you and miss you more each day-oh how I wish you were here with us.

Do I push the doctor for an answer Fella?Or do I just have faith in the way you were able to communicate your sickness to me?I still sit in utter amazement when I think about how the heck you were able to convey to me that you were very sick long before any symptoms.Even then I couldn't fig out WHY I was suddenly assaulted with feelings of losing you.Don't know what the heck you did but you're amazing because I DID "get it" but chalked it up to being negative back then.That still mystifies me,how you were able to do that.I couldn't shake the feeling that you were saying goodbye to me.It's only in hindsight that I can see it so much clearly.The whole week leading up to the surgery,I was taking you everywhere,doing all the "last" times with you,taking pictures and videos of you.It was so much more than fear,it's as if my gut had a mind of it's own and just knew this was it,even though I wasn't even aware of it at the time.Sounds crazy but so true my boy,as I know you know..I say all this because I'm not sure that I need a biopsy to "prove" what you tried so hard to show me.I read you loud and clear,but it was only in your death,that I was able to fully understand.I did "get it"-still don't know what you did to get inside my mind the way that you did:).So,I keep asking myself-why would you try so hard to show me things if that biopsy were negative?It just doesn't make sense to me.You conveyed those feelings for a reason and it's so telling of the deep spiritual connection we shared.I have to find closure Fella but I don't know how.

Now I have to tell you about a little boy named Romeo.I saw a picture of him online and I was immediately drawn to him because he looked so much like you but with freckles!:).Oh Fella,his fur,his tail,even his ears are just like yours!I loved him the minute I saw him!He was found roaming the streets,lost and alone,just like you were that day.And he is the same age as you were when I found you.They say he is a loverboy and they named him Romeo.Remember when you used to act tough and I would say"Fella,you're a lover,not a fighter?"And you would stop doing your "aggghh" and start kissing me?:).Well,anyway,I think "Romeo" sounds like a fitting name for him.I'm adopting him in honor of you.I miss the amazing love we shared and I want to keep that love alive by loving another little boy that needs it right now.Just like you did when I found you!:).I know you will understand,as I know you would love to see mom happy and another little one loved.My love for him will begin with my little Fella's love and I know that you would make you proud and happy.

I'm sobbing AGAIN my boy!I just wish you were here.I pray for closure Fella.I need to understand how and why I lost you.Some days are better than others but its so painful to be without you and to think about how you died.I'm sorry I look at your picture and cry.I always loved looking at your little face and it always put a smile on my face.It hurts me so much to know looking at you makes me cry.I'm sorry for that my boy.I hope one day it makes me smile again.I love you so much.Let me know you're close-I need you so much right now.Love you my little boy.XOXOXO
Mommy

Fellasmom
06-01-2013, 01:48 PM
Fella
I don't think I'll get over losing you the way I did.I think about the signs you gave me and the conversations I had with you during your last week all the time.I tried to watch a video of you but it was just too painful.All I heard was me telling you how much I loved you and how you were going to have the surgery so mommy wouldn't watch you suffer and become sick and that Gracie and Buster and mom needed you to be part of our lives for a very long time!

You never leave my mind,ever.I sit or drive and just think about what happened to you.I think about whether you were much sicker than they thought-I think about if the doctor tells me that your spleen was malignant.That would be my "I knew it" moment.It would explain all the gut wrenching dread I had felt for a long time before I lost you.It would restore the faith in what I always thought was our "connection".I would sit in awe and forever think how the heck did you convey to me the gravity of your illness but at the same time fullfill my wish of "never SEEING my Fella sick".I said those words over and over to you.You had NO symptoms at first and then barely any.I acted on the vibe you put out to me more than anything else.You kept sending me those vibes till I started searching for things that might be wrong and even then,they were so slight and pretty much had disappeared by the time I decided to bring you to the doctor.You urinated and drank alot for a few weeks and then back to normal.I don't even know to this day if your belly was distended cuz no one else saw it and your coat fit the same snug way.Those vibes you put out to me were nothing short of amazing.

I leave to pickup Romeo in 3hours.I would love to bring Grace but I'm going alone,its a long drive and I don't know how they will react to one another.It's so hard to imagine such a new addition to our lives and you are not here to enjoy it with us.It's so hard for all of us here to be without you my boy.I really hope you're watching over us-I need you.I was one of the few who found your tough street dog attitude endearing.Thats because I was one of the few that knew you were really a marshmallow underneath!:).I need you to use ALL of your famous lip curling "agggghs" that I just know was the very worst of dog profanity,and set that doctor straight and tell him he had better respond to mom!

I love you my little one,always have and always will forever.We are having a heat wave-you would hated this weather!I love you so much and miss you more everyday.XOXOXO
Mom,Grace,Buster

Fellasmom
06-02-2013, 09:27 AM
Fella
Our new boy Romeo is home!It just felt so strange that you weren't a part of the homecoming.I just kept mumbling to myself..Yah,fella boy!!!I could just picture that smile and you running off in a little sprint!:).Gracie is thrilled-she played with him like a puppy!Buster is a little aloof and made sure that Romeo knows Gracie was HIS friend first!:).He looks so much like you in so many ways but yet so different in others.I had him in my lap last night,petting his ears.It took me a minute to realize it was Romeo and not you!You have the exact same ears!I closed my eyes for a minute and just pictured it was you I was petting!Its okay,I think Romeo understands-he is just happy he has a home and he seems to be enjoying himself!

I felt lost without you last night.I shared everything with you and you were such a great source of comfort and companionship.You were the "man of the house" and you made me feel so safe and secure.Grace and Romeo make me laugh but you made me feel grounded and loved.We all love our babies differently.The difference is this-I know Grace loves me but she could go with just about anyone as long as they are fun and she can be silly.Not so with you.You only wanted ME.Your world would not have been the same if I wasn't in it,even for a day.And that's exactly the way I feel about you.I love you my little boy.I'll never stop loving and missing you.I told lil Romeo all about you and that I will start my love for him with my love for you.That's a whole lot of love my little one!I miss you so much-did you yell at the doctor yet?Make sure you give him a piece of your mind!:D.I love and miss you so much!!!

Fellasmom
06-03-2013, 09:31 AM
Hi Fella
Emailed the doctor today.I need to understand what happened to you.Losing you has created such emptyness and lonliness in my life.Remember how I used to be so positive and upbeat?I would come in the door with a big smile on my face and you and Grace would be at the door,smiling and waggin your tails?Those were the best times of my life little boy.I'm so lost without you.

I know you it would hurt your very soul to see mom this way.I'll never know if they made a mistake with you my boy.I'd hate to think you may have suffered and died from something that could have been prevented.You were spry and healthy and nothing else wrong with you EVER-what did they do little one?I have to believe they did their very best for you but I have so many lingering doubts where that is concerned.I will just die if I discover that they made a mistake.To look at your picture and not understand why you are not here is heartbreaking.I was soooo careful my little one-my last words to the doc was "don't let the surgeon do anything over the top-if it looks really bad,just end the surgery"...He said he would watch over the whole surgery for me.But was the spleen over the top?Was it really necessary?Thats what changed everything for us,I just know it and that makes me feel that you died unnecessarily.Please pray for me my little one that the doctor can offer me some reassurance.I can't believe you're gone.I try so hard to understand but I just can't.You didn't want to go that morning.I should have listened to you my baby,I'm sorry just isn't even good enough.So confused by all of this.I forgot so much about you because this is always on my mind.I love you my little one and miss you everyday.Will life ever be good again?I'm sorry.

Fellasmom
06-04-2013, 08:37 AM
Good morning
You are the first thing I think of when I open my eyes and my last thought at night.I called another animal communicator yesterday.I told her very little about you but just told her that I recently lost you very unexpectedly from surgery.Mommy will be a poor crazy lady,spending all her money on "fortune tellers"!:D.I need to hear from you my boy,and if's that's the only way,then that's just the way it will be!That doctor STILL hasn't gotton back to me which really is convincing me that they did something wrong honey.I will never forgive them for taking you from me if that's the case.Nor will I ever forgive myself for taking you there.It just breaks my heart baby.I love you and I miss you everyday.Romeo "hides" his treats in the couch,just like you used to!And Gracie the pig,is sniffing around,trying to steal them as usual.Big difference between you and Romeo though.Romeo is timid and lets Gracie steals them and then looks sad.You,on the other hand,would have guarded them with your life and not backed down for anything!:).Romeo might just have to "toughen up" a bit in this house huh?:).Love you my boy-I will get answers if I have to march up to the hospital myself-I will NOT let this go and I deserve to know why I lost you my baby.I need to heal so I can start remembering you in all your greatness,the way I should be doing if it weren't for all this guilt and heartache.I love you every second of everyday.Please stay close and watch over us.XOXOXO

Budsters Mom
06-05-2013, 07:08 PM
Fella will always be there with you in your heart, where love continues to grow and blossom. He has always watched over you and always will. If you feel that an animal communicator helps you, then by all means continue to talk to them. Just know, that you can talk directly to Fella and he hears you. I know how much you miss him.

Many hugs,
Kathy

Fellasmom
06-06-2013, 11:25 AM
Fella,
Remember when we took Kelsey home from the Angell?Mommy was so sad that I couldn't even send the letter that I wrote.The vet in Maine sent one of her own however because she too was appalled.I won't let happen ever again,as sad I am.I'm desperately trying to understand how you died.I know you knew it long before it happened.I have so much faith in you that I still can't believe that you're just one of the 10% who didn't make it.Thats NOT what you were telling me.I'm getting a copy of your whole chart and when I'm strong enough,I'm going to read every page of it.I want to see the full histology report on that nodule.Apparently.I need much more detailed info to determine if it would have been considered malignant.For now,life without you is just so sad for us.I miss you everyday and love you so much.I'm trying to understand how I lost you and I'm going to keep trying till I know for certain.What a tragic way for such a beautiful life to end lil boy.I'm sorry.
Love you so much
Mom

apollo6
06-06-2013, 12:50 PM
I am glad you are writing. We are both going through the same pain. Fella will always be in your heart. We ask ourselves, why? what did I not see? did I do right by them? I want them back? Why did they die? The grief is so overwhelming at times. Keep writing my dear friend.
Hugs Sonja, Angel Apollo

Fellasmom
06-06-2013, 12:57 PM
Fella
I've thought you all day today,not unlike most days come to think of it.I was just thinking that I wish mom could have looked into a crystal ball and saw what was going to happen to you and to us.I know all the reasons why I chose the surgery-it sounded so promising!I know that I would never have forgiven myself if I hadn't given you that chance.

It's so hard though now that I know what probably happened to you.I think about you having all those tests done,going thru major surgery,your BP dropping,you bleeding internally,you forming clots,inability to urinate adequately,becoming so short of breath you went into respiratory arrest,was ventilated,some more tests and then your heart stopped,then your were resciuated,then you were GONE.

If only I had known!Having you here right now and taking a risk that a blood clot MIGHT become dislodged seems like a walk a park compared to what you went through.I guess though that still wouldn't have taken the tumor away but somehow even that,even if I had to bring you to the hospital when the time came and hold you and kiss you goodbye,seems alot better than what you went through.So hurt for you my baby boy and what you went thru and for WHAT?

Though I'm still going to look into it more closely,the spleen nodule would have been such a blessing to both of us really had it been a clear malignancy.I couldn't imagine recuperating from such a big surgery and instead of rejoicing that the adrenal tumor was gone,now having to face treatment for splenic cancer!How horribly cruel that would have been.So,it was my only hope in the tragic way I lost you.The only way you dying that way made sense to me.The only reason I could possibly find for all the ways you showed me you were saying goodbye a long time ago.Your death seems so senseless now."Just" because and there is nothing "just" about you!:).It just seems so cruel that we would get such wonderful preop news compared to the week before and for this to have happened.Did I tell you that when I heard you flew threw that surgery so easily that mommy called everybody?I even called the first vet and reminded him that I was the one from the week before crying in the waiting room but that you made it!!Everyone was so happy for you!It just seems so cruel that I would lose you this way.Don't ever think you disappointed me though.I am so proud of you and always have been.This was certainly not the way our thought you and mommy would end.Please watch over us as I don't think I will ever be the same without you nor will I ever find comfort in any of this.I'm sorry my little Fella.

Fellasmom
06-07-2013, 04:47 PM
Hi Fella
So,I got the short version of your hospitalization today in the mail.It was hard to read about what you went through that day.Fella,I've been searching for reasons to make sense of your death since the beginning.I did "get it" and its my faith in you and our connection,that has made me obsessively pour over all the details,convinced that I would find something that would indicate that even if you came out of this surgery,your quality of life would be greatly compromised and that you would not be here with me for very long.I didn't care who told me what,it's what you showed me that mattered the most.

I just read the biopsy reports and it says"Adrenocortical adenocarinoma with INCOMPLETE EXCISION.:eek::(:mad:"Poorly demarcated unencapsulated .That was quite a shock since that was not told to mommy at all.NOT AT ALL:mad:.I don't know whether to laugh or cry but I do know that when I looked that up,I read that it meant margins weren't clean,higher rate of mets and reoccurence.Now,HOW could they not tell mom that???I don't care how smart they are supposed to be,between this and mailing out your ashes,I'm not all that impressed.:).It also listed a renal infarct as a postop complication but yet a renal infarct was found preoperatively on your CT scan-they never mentioned that either at the time but I WILL ask about that conflicting piece of info.

It was because of what you showed me that made me search so hard.A good clean adrenalectomy with no splenic cancer is NOT what you were showing me.I do think that in your case,it would have reoccurred or metastized and I think that's exactly why you were saying goodbye to me all those months before up until the day of.I love you my little one.

Kinda funny but Romeo is such a hoot!He desperately wants Buster to be his friend!He flies around the house from couch to couch like a bird,all the while bopping Buster:).Buster is NOT happy!:).He reminds me of you when you were little.:).He is a sweetheart and I love him already and I know that makes you happy.Poor Gracie plays too rough with him and he gets scared and assumes a completely still submissive position!-that is just much too boring for our Grace!:D.I wish you were here but I hope you are SOMEWHERE closeby.I love you so much!!

Fellasmom
06-08-2013, 06:26 PM
Hi my little Fella
I just wanted to tell you that Romeo reminds me so much of you in so many ways!:D.It makes me smile and for a second,it almost feels like you're here with us.Maybe you are,who knows??I know if you could,you would find a way to watch over us.I love and miss you so much my little one.Romeo finally realized that it's gonna take awhile before he wins Buster over.He played with Grace like crazy today(finally!)and Grace was so happy!:).It's been so hard on all of us without you.Grace and Buster miss you so much and we all just try to do the things we always did but it's so noticeable that you're not with us.

Well,I love you little one.The skateboarders were out today and you wold have loved to try to get a little piece of their ankles-it made me smile.And also,our little sweet Romeo had a Fella "CUJO" moment today-I dont know what came over him!I gave him a treat and put him in the crate.Grace was poking her little face against the crate windows and Romeo became CUJO!!Growling,baring his teeth and doing the Fella Agggghhhhh!!I almost laughed because I saw YOU!!Never thought I'd hear you again,especially in this little guy.Had to have been related to his treat and being in the crate and feeling threatened-no sure but he turned into killer boy-poor Grace was so confused!!

I love you my baby.You're in my heart forever and ever.

Fellasmom
06-11-2013, 10:22 AM
Hi my little one.
I miss you so much.Romeo is making all of us laugh and it always me of just how much you're missing and that we are missing with you not being here.Romeo is now snoozing tucked up against my right side,in "your" spot.:).Your "spot" is now stamped permanently in my heart and soul.I now fall asleep and awaken to your picture.I remember when I placed those pics directly across from my bed.I thought that it was beautiful to see your face with a big smile,the moment I opened my eyes.:).Of course,I still had you beside me at that time.Now,that picture is what I stare at before I go to sleep and when I open my eyes.It brings tears to my eyes and I think about everything that has happened and how I lost you.I only hope one day that the tears stop and the "end" fades into the background.You lived for the sole purpose of making me happy and feeling loved and you did a wonderful job!

As you know,I still have that ugly cremation box sent to me from Tufts.I don't have the heart to change that right now.Its placed right beside your leash and dog dish which contains our lucky penny,your dog tags,Kelsey's dog tag and the treat I mistakenly took out for you the first morning I woke up and you weren't here to enjoy it.I also have your bandana which I had swiped with mommy's perfume.I had it in my hand that morning you died.I took it with me because I had planned on leaving it with you so that as you recuperated,you would smell mommy and not feel so alone.I never got that chance but I just hope you knew I was there anyhow.I love you so much.

Mommy will never really know the reason why you rapidly declined.I felt robbed my little one.I envisioned several more years of you and I being happy together and healthy.I have asked so many questions of them as I needed to know they did everything they could for you because you deserved the very best.MOST of their explanations make sense,still waiting for a few furthur clarifications.Some of the info I recieved via your report have led me to believe that you most likely would have needed chemo and raised some real concerns that your cancer may have reoccurred in the same spot or in another.Of course,had you survived,we would have done whatever we needed to and prayed cancer never reared its ugly head again.But those findings are enough to question the many years I thought we were robbed of.Some dogs do well with chemo and you KNOW I would have done anything for you.But I do know in my heart,you would have HATED chemo and wanted no part of it,it was just your personality.I will never know for sure of course,what would have happened had you survived the surgery.I had so much faith in what you were telling me that upon initial inspection,I was really blown away that spleen was not grossly positive and adrenal was successfully removed.There was NO WAY possible I had misinterpreted what you manged to show me much earlier on.There had to be a mistake and I KEPT looking.(you know mom,stubborn to a fault-but what you showed me was too powerful to feel it had no meaning)When I saw the incomplete excision,I KNEW.While it may never reappear in others,THATS what you were showing me,you KNEW that no matter what,you were not going to make it.I don't feel in our case that we would have had the quality time and a cure that I had envisoned and you KNEW it.I just needed the "proof" that I picked up the right signals from you-sorry I doubted you little one.

There is just no easy way to say goodbye and I think you understood that as well.Losing you the way I did,with the high hopes and then crashing despair,was unbearable and I couldn't have imagined a more painful way to say goodbye.I'm still processing this but I think the alternative would have been just as painful and possibly more painful for you.I KNOW you would have needed chemo,I KNOW you would not have been cured.I KNOW mommy would have seen you sick,not being your fiesty self,not enjoying your home cooked meals.I know in my heart,from what YOU showed me,that our time together would not be anywhere near what I had envisoned.If anything,the thoughts of you never being sick a day in your life,still being fiesty till the end and chasing birds the day before you died,are the only grateful things I've held onto since you were taken from me.The lonliness of not having you here is still unbearable but I'm so thankful for all that you gave me.Just as our last proof of unconditional love is to compassionately be able to say goodbye to our loving furbabies,I think you chose the EXACT way you would leave this earth for the very same reasons-you loved me to the very end.Can't imagine feeling MORE guilt,but I think I would have had you died during surgery-you sailed thru it for me.You lifted up your little head and said "goodbye"-we both KNEW it but it was only in hindsight that I was able to realize that's what it was,even tho my gut was telling me all along.You died at the exact moment that I would be there but not see you.I never saw you sick a day in your life.NOT ONE DAY.And you amazingly were able to convey your illness in a way that I will never truly understand but will always remain a true testament to the fact that we were each other's soulmates and truly could read each others minds.:).

I truly don't know how I will go on without you and ever find the happiness that I once had.I think you sent me Romeo to begin that process and I hope that in time,you show me that you're still here somewhere with us.I just know you are.I love you little one and I pray that one day I can really really look at you and not feel pain,just love because that's all that you represented in my life-pure love.
I love you and miss you every day.Stay close little one.
Love,
Mommy

Budsters Mom
06-11-2013, 11:21 AM
Just popping in to send mass hugs to you and the three musketeers.:)

Hugs,
Kathy

apollo6
06-12-2013, 02:46 PM
sending you love and praying for you.
Hugs Sonja and Angel Apollo

Fellasmom
06-16-2013, 12:12 AM
Hi Fella
I miss you so much.The nice weather is finally here-you would have loved it.We got stuck indoors so much this winter due to all the snow.I'll never forget you and I cuddled together during the Blizzard of 2013.No electricity,howling wind,ocean waves braking over the wall and 3 feet of snow!! I was so scared but having you beside me made everything okay.I miss you little one!!

I went to a grief counselor on Friday because I just can't seem to accept the way you died.I just can't accept that you died without me.That I brought you there and you never came home after that morning.That it wasn't me who held you as you took your last breath.I just somehow cant accept that the beautiful loving life that we shared would end so tragically.I guess there is no easy way to say goodbye.I never thought about losing you,but I guess if I had to think about it,it would be a moment of heartbreak but a peaceful one,in which I would hold you and stroke your little face and ears and kiss your nose and tell you what a good boy you are and how much I love you.The way you died was NOT peaceful,it was terrifying,heartbreaking,shocking and you suffered.When I think about all the things we have done thru the years,all our adventures,all our cuddling,all the love we had for one another-It just doesn't seem possible that you would be taken from me this way.

I hope one day I can get over the trauma of losing you that way.We miss you here so much.Romeo is so cute but he would aggravate the hell out of you!:).He just wants to play,play and play!Gracie is thrilled-he plays with her all the time now-even hops on top of her back and she loves it!!Buster still isn't having it though and I do think he misses Grace.They still jump on the bed at night but Gracie is too pooped to play with Buster these days.:(

I love you my little boy,always.I wish you were here with me.So strange still to not have you here.I hope you're watching over us.I miss you everyday my little Fella boy.
Love
Mommy

Fellasmom
06-18-2013, 06:55 PM
Hi my boy
I had such an awful dream about you last night.It was so strange.I can only imagine I had it because I always sit and wonder how long I would have had you if you didn't have the surgery.In the dream you were sick.You were double your size and your beautiful coat had patches where you had lost your hair.It was so strange-you were completely quiet-did not interact or communicate with me at all.It was so strange because in the dream,I was thinking"so THIS is what would have happened".Wasn't a good dream baby.Everytime I really really think about you,I start sobbing and I can't stop.I miss you so much my boy.

There are so many things I want to remember about you but my pain gets in the way.We had so many years together-beautiful years but I thought we had so many more.I can't believe you're gone.I can't believe Michael could be so mean and heartless.He knows how much you mean to me.You mean everything to me.I think about you everyday-I don't think my life will ever be the same without you my little Fella.At night,I would give anything to just hold you again and kiss your little nose.I love you my little one and miss you more each day.
Mommy

Fellasmom
06-19-2013, 03:38 PM
Its been two months today.Two months of not holding you and having you here with us.It's so different without you.I can't look at your pictures or videos without sobbing my little one-I'm so sorry.I keep praying that somehow I will find some sort of closure or peace with what has happened but it just doesn't come.Maybe if I had been with you and held you and kissed your little nose,it would be more peaceful to me.I don't know.I should have been with you,holding you.I wanted the last thing for you to hear was me whispering how much I love you.I'm so ashamed I wasn't there.The doc said you were suffering,that she saw how bad it was for me the night before seeing you and that you didn't look good.I didn't want you to suffer for one extra second so you took your last breath a few doors away from me.I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE WITH U.I should have just gone in and closed my eyes and held you and whispered in your ear how much I loved you.I should have demanded to be with you but I was so overcome by grief.I was just pulling into the parking lot,had just recieved news that your breathing was better an hour before.I prayed and held onto our lucky penny the whole drive up to see you.I got the call just as I was entering the parking lot that you had gone into cardiac arrest and they had resicitated you but you were barely alive.I was shocked-I'll never forget their words"you need to tell us to stop".I started screaming and told them to hold on,wait!!I was just on my way in the hospital.Thats when they told me you were suffering,that you looked awful,that I really shouldn't go in and I panicked cuz I was alone and I didn't want you to suffer for one second so I told them to let you go.I was shocked,traumatized,sobbing...I should have went in my boy,I'm so sorry.I KNOW you would have heard me and at least I would know that you knew I didn't abandon you.At least it would have reflected how much I loved you that I was there with you.How could I have let that happen?I think that's the part I just can't get over.I wasn't with you.I was with you every free moment I had and loved you so much and in the end,I wasn't with you.That's just so wrong.I never would have allowed that to happen under other circumstances-it's important to be there to say goodbye.I said goodbye and kissed your nose after you had gone but I wanted you to hear me and know I was there-you didn't.You must have felt so alone and confused.I'm sorry my little one.I always said we could read each others minds,so if that was true,I hope you knew I was closeby and felt all the love and heartbreak in my heart.I'm so ashamed my little Fella and I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart.You meant more to me than I showed you in the end.So much more and I'll never have another chance to show you just how much.I love you and miss you Fella boy.

Fellasmom
06-23-2013, 01:56 PM
Hi
Its been a few days since I wrote to you.Sometimes writing just makes me too sad but you're always in my thoughts.It's just not the same here without you Fella.Romeo is a little love bug and him and Grace play all day and all night!Buster is very jealous and feels left out.The only time Gracie even bothers with him now is when Romeo is in the crate for the night.I'm hoping that one day the three of them will play.

How awful that I've spend the past 2 months just sobbing about how you died and hardly anytime at all remembering you.I still really can't think the good times without that last day creeping back in.I sorted so much of it out and tried to find closure but it seems to only last for a day or so.I think mommy should have went in and held you while you died.You must know that under any other circumstances,I would have been by your side,holding you and kissing you.I NEVER dreamed of not being with you when your time had come.I don't quite understand why I wasn't there with you.I could have been and I wasn't.You were the love of my life and somehow,in my own mind and maybe in yours,me not being with you,undermines everything we shared and the deep love we felt for one another.I keep asking myself-how could I have been in the next room and just waited for you to die?I don't think you would have wanted me to see you but I realize that I needed to-that should have been my final act of the incredible love we shared-me holding you.It brings enormous shame to me and I can't come to terms with it.

I wish I had demanded to come in and be with you.I was so confused and heartbroken Fella.As I drove up to see you,I was so happy with the report that your breathing had improved and that you were going to have dialysis for one day only.My mind was on whether you could possibly come home the next day-I couldn't wait to see you as they told me you were getting better,I was so relieved.Just as I put my blinker on to go into the parking lot,they called to tell me your heart had stopped but they had revived you,but that you were "dying" and I needed to stop any furthur lifesaving measures.I died that very second Fella.My mind just couldn't handle all that was happening.I was just thinking that you were getting better and now you were DYING.I screamed to the doc to wait cuz I was just getting there.I met here and we had about one minute to talk about everything.In that one minute,I begged her to save you,I asked her what your chances of living were-she told me there was no hope.She told me I didn't want to see you cuz you looked really bad.I normally would have insisted on being there with you,no matter what.I can't explain it Fella,I was so overcome with the fact that I was losing you in moments,that I never got an oppurtunity to insist on being there-I let her go and told her to tell you I loved you and to tell Kelsey I said hi.I wasn't thinking straight.I was in a state of shock that I was losing you-it didn't even register that I wasn't with you while this was happening.Its only afterwards,when she brought you to me,and I held you that I realized you could no longer hear me.I should have been there and I'm so ashamed.Thats not who I am-I don't care what you would have looked like,I would have demanded to be there.I don't know why I didn't even feel I had a choice in those moments.It happened so suddenly but I now realize that in addition to the pain of losing you,the fact that I wasn't with you creates so much shame and heartache.I feel like it broke our connection somehow.It speaks of someone else and their dog,not US.THATS my biggest problem with finding closure-what the hell was I doing NOT being with you in your final moments of life?I'm so sorry Fella-I can't even explain the shock that I was in.If I had even had a little heads up that this was happening,I would have thought more clearly.I would have told them that I didn't care what you looked like,I would have closed my eyes if I had to,and just held you-you deserved that.I find it unforgiveable that I wasn't there.I was paralyzed with grief and shock-I just let the doctor do MY job Fella and that was so wrong.I'm so sorry.I can't even explain where my mind was in that moment.I wasn't even capable of moving,I just sat there and thought that I was losing you!!!It sounds so cowardly NOW,but the option of going in didn't even seem possible at the time.It happened so quickly.My actions don't speak of the bond that we shared and our unconditional love.Thats why I'm still so sick about this.It seems so broken somehow.I don't think you would have wanted me to see you that way but I realize I needed to be with you and I wasn't.I'm so sorry my little Fella.That's what really is keeping me stuck-mommy wasn't there for you in the end and I can't explain why I wasn't.I love you more than anything and if I had one wish it would be to have gone into that room and have held you-that's what I was supposed to do and what I believe in.I'm so sorry Fella-so disappointed in myself but I loved you so much my little boy!
Love,
Mommy

Fellasmom
07-01-2013, 07:32 PM
Hi my little one
I haven't written in a few days but I think about you everyday.This week was a very bad week for me.My cell phone fell out of my bag and got wet and I thought all your pics and videos were ruined.I finally was able to get to a store and they were able to retrieve them all thankfully.I'm still so sick about the way you died.It's been a long time now and I'm really no better than I was the day I lost you.I go thru the motions of life but there is such a hole in my heart.I just can't believe you're gone Fella.I can't believe you died after that surgery.I'm numb-most of the joy has left my life since you've been gone.Hard to understand what happened to you when they don't even know.I wasn't prepared to lose you this way.I will forever be haunted by your little face looking up at me,eyes glazed and then flopping back down.I'm so sorry my little boy.I often wonder had we done nothing,would I have had you longer?They said only a few months but who really knows?I was afraid Fella,I wanted you to have the best possible chance of a life with mom,grace and buster.Fella,even tho it was quick,I carefully agonized over every detail and when they told me 90%-I was overjoyed.The 10% didn't necessarily mean death,it just meant chance of complications.After hearing those numbers,never in my wildest dreams would I ever have thought you would die!!!!!Nothing could ever have prepared me for losing you this way.My heart aches for you.i walk around on the brink of tears at all times-that was never mommy!

I do spend a lot of time with Gracie,Buster and Romeo.He is adorable and what a personality!He loves everybody-just wants to play and kiss!Gracie is in love and plays with him all day-she has more energy than he does!He would drive you crazy Fella-he is much too hyper for you.He drives Buster crazy-Romeo wants to play but Buster only tolerates him and has no desire to play with him.When Romeo passes by him,Buster swipes him with his paw just to show him who's boss!It's kinda funny and Romeo doesn't seem to "get it",he thinks its a game.

I love you and miss you everyday.I hope I see some sign from you someday.It's so lonely here without you.I love you my little boy and I'm so sorry for what has happened.
Love,
Mommy

Fellasmom
07-03-2013, 09:49 PM
Hi baby
Just wanted to say hi and tell you I love you.Romeo is keeping us all busy with his antics.He really is a sweet boy.There are so many things that he does that remind me so much of you.BUT I have to say, he's a slow learner-not like you at all!! You were so smart my boy!You only had to be shown something once and you got it.I thought of you because I had treats and was telling Grace and Romeo to "sit"-well Grace of course,sat and threw her paw out before even being asked-you know miss piggy-anything to get the treat a little faster!Romeo knows how to sit but just cant fig out how to give the paw yet.I remember the first day I asked for YOUR paw.You got it on the first try-you looked at Kelsey and fig it all out.I miss you so much-it breaks my heart that you're not here with us.

I wonder if you've met Buddy and Scoop yet...make sure you give them a big welcome and show Buddy where all the lizards hang out.:)I'm so proud to have been your mom for the past 10 1/2 years.I always think back to the day I found you roaming the streets and am just so thankful that I was there at that moment.It was my lucky day that's for sure.Trying so hard to just think about YOU and not the surgery.I'll write more later but just wanted to tell you how loved you are ALWAYS.I love you my little boy!!
Love,
Mom XOXOXO

Fellasmom
07-04-2013, 04:02 PM
Hi Fella
Just sitting here thinking about you today.Happy 4th of July baby!This really wasn't one of your favorite holidays but I just wanted to check in with you and tell you how much I love and miss you.I don't think life will ever feel the same without you.I love seeing Grace and Buster and Romeo waiting for me at the door when I arrive home from work but your little face is noticeably absent.I so wish you had died in my arms,hearing me tell you how much I loved you.I'm so sorry that the last day of your beautiful life was spent so violated and without me.I hope you know I loved you more than life itself.I would have done anything to have you just one more day.I so wish I could have spent more time with you.Who knew we only had a few precious days/hours left?I'm so grateful to you for so much.You've made my life so wonderful and happy and I can't imagine life without having you to love.I somehow can't get over losing you Fella.I wish you died as gently as you lived.I hope I see you in my dreams-we miss and love you so much.
Love,
Mom

Fellasmom
07-06-2013, 10:56 AM
Hi my little Fella
You would absolutely hate this weather!!I can just picture you doing your quick pee and poop and then dashing to get back inside to the cool AC.This is day 2 of blocking the surgery from my mind and just trying to remember all the wonderful things I loved about you.You and Kelsey really showed me the meaning of true love.It has been so difficult losing you-mommy is on "happy pills" now and just waiting patiently for them to kick in!:).

I keep thinking about the day I found you and it always brings a smile to my face.My poor patients were rescheduled for the next day because I was on the mad hunt to get you!:).You had me chasing after you,block after block,leading me into the worst part of the town!I mistakenly thought you were a little sweet doggie who I could scoop up and try to find your owner before you got hit by a car or something dreadful happened.You gave me your best Aggghhhh(which I would come to love)at every turn!I thought"this one isn't gonna be easy":D.I ran back to my car,blocks and blocks,to get an extra leash I had and I thought for sure I would have lost you by then.But there you were!It seems like just yesterday my baby.I took the retractable leash,made a loop,and lassood you in!

I took you home and gave you a much needed bath and you loved it.For all your toughness,you never once sneered at Kelsey or Buster.You knew you had found a home long before I realized it.I couldn't believe no one claimed you.I searched and searched for someone to adopt you.I did find one person who wanted you but I just didn't think they were "good enough".Looking back,I loved you already and you were destined to be mine.We never even had to name you cuz everyone said what a cute fella you were...so Fella it was!I loved you from the moment I found you.As I grew to love you more,I felt so sad that someone could just dump you.How could they do that to you?You had eyes only for me from the beginning.While I took care of Kelsey,you patiently waited for your turn.You knew she was "special" and needed extra care and you didn't mind being second all those years.It didn't take much to make you happy my boy.You just loved to be part of a family.You loved to snuggle up to Kelsey and you would chase Buster all around the house!I remember ex daddy saying that you just cannot sleep in the bed.He would place you on the chaise-which btw,was sooo comfortable!You would wait a minute till he got back into bed and then jump off and jump back onto the bed.This went back and forth all night till finally daddy said "fine,sleep on the bed"...I remember that exact moment-I looked down at you and grinned cuz I knew you were stubborn and persistent and no matter what,you were getting in that bed to sleep beside your momma!!::D:D.You stayed with me everynight just like that,for the next 10 1/2 yrs....

I miss you being beside me.Romeo looks a lot like you and actually does curl up against me at night to sleep when he is not in his crate.It sounds awful but,this morning when I woke up,all I saw was a white furry little body and for a second,I closed my eyes and dreamed it was you beside me.I don't know that I will ever again experience the connection that we shared.I'm sorry that I never realized it until Kelsey passed.You were young and healthy and very independent and you understood that Kelsey needed alot of extra care.Our relationship took on a whole different meaning the day after we lost Kelsey.I remember so vividly,you coming up to me,on Feb 16,2006,and we stared into each others eyes for what seemed like an eternity.I felt the connection at that very moment with you.We each said a thousand things to one another with that long stare and I think we understood each other.That was the first day of a lifetime of being able to read each other's minds.

Ok,so now I'm sobbing.Fella,if I don't come on here to talk to you everyday,its only cuz I realize that sometimes being here makes me too emotional.But never ever think that when I'm not here that I'm not thinking of you.You are on my mind a thousand times a day.I cry everyday for you.I try to force the tears to stop and make myself think of something really special that we shared together.You were my whole life and its so difficult to go on sometimes without you.I beg you-show me some sort of a sign that you're still close to mommy..anything at all Fella...I love you my little boy.
Love and kisses to your nose and face
Mom

Fellasmom
07-06-2013, 11:59 PM
Goodnight my beautiful boy.Mommy loves you forever and ever.I hope I dream of you tonight-I need to see your little face again.Love you my little boy.
Love,
Mom

Fellasmom
07-07-2013, 10:50 PM
Hi Fella
It's so hard to not think about how you died but I'm really trying Fella.I just forced the sad thoughts to the back of my mind today and tried to remember something fun we shared together.Know what I thought of that made me laugh Fella?When we lived in Maine,you and I slept on the couch all the time because ex daddy said that we "disturbed him":eek: because he had to get up so early.You would sleep up on top of the couch pillow right above my head.You loved that spot.Even now,I can look over and see the little indentation in the pillow where you loved to sleep.Daddy would wake up early and I could hear him whisper to you"Come on Fella,lets go out"-all I heard from you was "aggghhh"..:D:D.Much too early for my boy to go out and you weren't leaving your momma!:).Each time he asked,your "agghhh" would get louder until finally he would give up and say"ok Fella,fine,don't go out"..After he left,we would just cuddle together and I would look at you and swear I saw a smile on your face.:D:D.I loved that you loved me THAT much and I loved you just as much my little boy.That's why its so difficult sometimes to actually believe that you're no longer here with me.You were my very best friend in the whole wide world.I miss you so very much.You always knew how much I loved you-I hope you never doubted my love for you on your last day.I can't talk about it to you right now Fella but one day I want to tell you just how much I loved you,why I made the decision I did and I hope you understand.That would mean everything to me Fella.I need to know that you died feeling loved by me.

On another note,Grace and Romeo are best of friends-they could play all day and night!Romeo jumps on his back and rides him like a horse-Grace loves it!God Bless him-he's not as smart as you but he is learning.I put pee pads down just in case and he puts his front paws on them and thinks he is doing it correctly.Unfortunately the rest of his body is not on them at all-just the 2 front paws.:).Poor little guy-gotta give him credit for trying.You would have figured that all out the first time Fella.Well,goodnight my boy.I love you so much.
Love,
Mom

Fellasmom
07-09-2013, 12:32 AM
Hi Fella
I just took Grace out for her last walk of the night.It's such a beautiful night-there finally is a cool breeze and I it must be high tide as I could hear the waves crashing.I looked up to the sky and saw the moon and the stars and started thinking about you.It feels like you've been gone for so long.I just can't imagine never seeing you again.I started thinking about how happy I would be to get a sign that you're okay.It made me so sad to realize that I don't even know what that sign could ever be.We never had a special song,except the ones I would make up and sing to you.You never really had a special toy you loved,like Gracie loves her tennis balls.I guess I just have to have faith that you will show yourself in some way that I will know it is you.I know you loved me too much to ever really leave me.Nights are so lonely without you.I guess I am desperate for a sign from you because we never really got to say goodbye to one another at the very end.I need to know that you didn't feel betrayed by me in the end and that you understood why I did what I did.You knew without a doubt I loved you with my whole heart and soul before this happened.There wasn't a day that I didn't hold your little face in my hands and kiss your little nose and say "mommy looooooves Fella".Maybe the only sign I can look forward to is to see you in my dreams.I would love that my little boy.

I can't seem to go upstairs to bed these days.It's just too painful to look to my right and not see you there.I miss you so much.I love you Fella-goodnight my sweet boy.
Love,
Mom

Fellasmom
07-09-2013, 10:43 PM
Hi Baby
Grace and Romeo and I went took a quick walk on the beach tonight.It was Romeo's first time and he loved it!He was collecting all the seashells in his mouth and was digging in the sand-he was so cute my little Fella.You used to go crazy on the beach too.Remember in NY,I would let you off your leash and you would sprint off like a marathon runner!You would have your little hind legs bent and just go crazy running all over the place-Romeo does that too and it makes me smile cuz it reminds me of you my little one.

The ocean is the most peaceful place in the world.I look up at the moon,the stars and watch the waves crash.We sat on the sand and I took one of the shells and wrote MOMMY LOVES FELLA in the sand.I feel close to you there for some reason-maybe cuz it feels like a little bit of heaven.I also said a prayer for a doggie named Rudy who had the same surgery as you my little one.

Grace was so sick last night.Romeo looked very concerned and just watched her from the couch.He reminded me so much of you when you watched Kelsey when she was sick.I love you so much my little boy.I hate that you're not here with us.Goodnight my baby.
Love,
Mom

Fellasmom
07-10-2013, 01:22 PM
Fella,
Look out for a little boy named Rudy honey.He was brave just like you.I know you will be there for him and share all your favorite places with him.I love you little one.
Love,
Mom

Trish
07-10-2013, 04:18 PM
xxxxxxxxx (big hugs) xxxxxxxxx

Fellasmom
07-10-2013, 07:42 PM
I love you Trish!!!:D:D:D

Budsters Mom
07-10-2013, 09:44 PM
Sending you and the Three Musketeers tons of love.:o

Fellasmom
07-11-2013, 09:41 PM
Fella
Still can't believe you're gone.I miss you so much.I don't know why but I cried all day for you today.We walked to the park like you and I used to do and I just kept thinking about our special walks together and how happy you and I were together.I just can't believe you're gone.I wish I could dream about you or see some kind of a sign-it's so silent,I feel like I'll never see any sign of you again and that hurts so much.

Romeo and Grace are at it again:).If you were here,you would be curled up against me,watching them play and ready to yell at them if they became too crazy.Now Buster is doing your job-you'd be proud.He is sitting and watching them with his tail twitching back and forth.He has his paw ready to give Romeo a little swipe!:eek:.Poor Romeo but he doesn't even realize whats going on-he is too busy playing!

I miss you you so much it hurts.I just keep thinking about how special we were to one another.I love you my little boy.Sweet dreams my Fella.
Love,
Mom

Fellasmom
11-28-2013, 07:28 PM
I couldn't let Thanksgiving go by without telling you how much I miss you.I still think of you every single day.I'm so thankful that you were in my life-10 beautiful years.I miss you so much.I've never quite been able to get past how I lost you.Still have all the what ifs...I'm so sorry that how I lost you has robbed me of so many good memories that are just too painful sometimes to remember.You were the best little boy a mom could ever ask for and there is a huge void in my life without you in it.I do love all the pennies that I KNOW you're sending me.I find them in the oddest of places and I am just so grateful for any sign from you.I so wish I could have done things differently.I wonder if you'd still be here with us.

Grace and Buster and Romeo are doing wonderful.I just love love that Romeo!He reminds of you sometimes,the way he cuddles with me at night especially.Gracie splits her time between him and Buster and of course,Buster still gives Romeo a good slap when he walks by and hisses at him,but they both seem to enjoy it!

I love you my little boy.My heart is broken without you.Happy Thanksgiving my little Fella!Love you so much.

Trish
11-29-2013, 12:32 AM
***big hugs for you and a pat for fella at the rainbow bridge***

Fellasmom
04-19-2014, 08:39 PM
One year ago today I lost you.I still can't believe you're gone.I think about you everyday and miss you so much my little boy.I just can't be HERE, it's still just too painful.I've just never been able to come to terms with how I lost you..STILL.I promised you I wouldn't cry today and that's ALL I've done all day.So much regret and sorrow still, my little one.I love you so much my little Fella!I think of all of you here and your babies almost everyday and I miss you all so much.I never would have survived losing you if it hadn't been for all the love and support and friendship from this forum.But it brings me back to a time when I was still hopeful, and then overjoyed that u flew that surgery!..I remember someone saying "go fella,go!"..and I was so happy!..and the next day, you were GONE.It blindsided me, it took my breath away.And it still does.One year and it feels like one day.Mommy loves you and misses you so much my sweet sweet little boy! Thank God this awful day is almost over.Love u forever Fella.

Fellasmom
04-19-2014, 09:21 PM
Hi Fella,
Back again..Happy Easter! Easter was earlier last year and you were still here with us.Remember those yellow tulips I planted?..I had them for Easter and I wanted to plant them in memory of you.The idea was every year,I would see them bloom and get bigger and bigger (just like the love we had for one another)and it would be a reminder of you and our last Easter together.Only problem is that I planted them beside your "dead beat dad" pink ones, which I always meant to get rid off.Well, this fall, the whole garden area was ripped out by the construction workers!..I was so bummed out..those were so special!!..Well, the other day, what was once my garden, that is now just a long strip of dirt and mud, there is one little patch of tulips growing!!:D
So everday,I look, and say..They had better be yellow!! And ya know what little one,I just KNOW they're gonna be.It's the only plant of about 20 that survived, how could it be anything BUT yellow...you lived on..you survived...I couldn't ask for a more beautiful sign from you.Thanks little one...Happy Easter.Love you.

Trish
04-20-2014, 02:57 AM
Hi Patty

I am so pleased to see you post, wow I cannot believe it has been a year since we lost Fella. Time sure does fly. Mel will be pleased to hear you have popped in too, we often wonder how you are and Gracie and Romeo are doing. I remember the shock we all had at losing Fella so suddenly, it was just awful. So I have no surprise to read that you are still processing it.

OMG you have to pop back an tell us what colour the tulip turns out, I so hope they are yellow too... but maybe Fella had a different favourite colour than you... but I am sure he had a paw in it regrowing for you to see. We miss you too, but understand why you cannot pop back all the time if it brings back too many yuck memories. He sure was a great dog that Fella, andI am remembering him on this sad anniversary. Big hugs to you Patty, hope you have some time off over Easter and perhaps are getting away with the other two. xxxxxxx

Harley PoMMom
04-21-2014, 12:53 AM
(((Huge loving hugs being sent your way)))

molly muffin
04-21-2014, 08:52 AM
Patty so good to see you post. We do all remember Fella. He sure made a big impact on a lot of people.

Thinking of you!
hugs
sharlene and molly muffin

Fellasmom
04-25-2015, 12:02 AM
Hi Fella
Last week was 2 years without you.Thought about you all day and honestly just couldn't wait for the day to end.I miss you terribly and the only way I've managed to ease the pain of losing you, is to never think about that day.Instead,I remember every other day we shared, and there were many.10 wonderful years we shared together.You still make me laugh when I think about how tough you were..you truly saw a pit bull when you looked in the mirror!:)Romeo looks just like you but loves everybody!.I call him Fella sometimes by mistake, and automatically pull him back if a truck is near, or another dog,or a man,or a skateboarder.or a ?? :D:D..I realize my mistake in that moment and laugh remembering what a little terror you were! You would surely think Romeo was a wimp but Gracie and I love him and Buster loves giving him a swipe of the paw now and then too.:)I know you're watching over us, I've found too many pennies to ever think otherwise.Those tulips never bloomed last year so never knew the color.Guess what Fella boy? They bloomed today and they're YELLOW!:):)I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU EVERYDAY MY FELLA.


I haven't been here in a long time but all of you here have never been forgotten.I have alot of catching up to do here but you and your babies are always in my heart and thoughts and am forever grateful to each and every one of you.

Squirt's Mom
04-25-2015, 07:36 AM
I think of you often, Patty. It is so good to hear from you. I know so very well how hard it is to stick around here now but we love hearing from you when you can.

mytil
04-25-2015, 07:46 AM
It is good to hear from you!! Fella (http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/album.php?albumid=649&pictureid=4873) is such a character :).

We will always be here and will always remember your tough sweetie pie.

Terry

molly muffin
04-25-2015, 09:12 AM
Hi Patty You and Fellla and Romeo are often remembered here. He left a lasting mark on so many of us. What a great little guy he was.

Hugs

labblab
04-25-2015, 03:48 PM
Oh Patty, it means a great deal to us all to see you here once again. I know it's hard to come back, but I'm so glad you did. Your sweet Fella is always remembered and honored by his family here, and you hold such a special place in our hearts, too!

Sending you my warmest wishes, today and always.
Marianne

Trish
04-25-2015, 05:23 PM
Hey Patty!! Well this is just spooky, was remembering you with a friend just yesterday morning and now here you are:), so we are hoping we can conjure you up a bit more often!! Lovely to hear you Gracie, Romeo and that feisty Buster are doing well. Time sure does fly doesn't it, thinking of Fella with a smile today he was such a beautiful boy xxx

Fellasmom
11-19-2016, 11:22 PM
Hi my little Fella

It's been awhile since I've written but I think of you almost everyday.I think only about the good times now since the bad times are just too painful.

Buster passed last night.His death was just as unexpected as yours.I held him and prayed that he would make it through,but sadly that wasn't the case.I left it up to him to tell me it was time.I told him there are so many of us that love him.Gracie,Romeo and mom loved him so much and prayed he'd recover and come home to us.But I also told him that you and Kelsey were waiting as well.Take good care of him.He was such a good boy and we miss him terribly and am still somewhat shocked he left us so quickly.The only comfort is knowing that he is with you and Kelsey again.I cried all day today,and cried harder when I arrived home from work and realized I'd never shout out my greeting again"Where's my Buster boy?"...I don't know why I was drawn here tonight,but it just seemed like the perfect place to talk to you and find comfort.I love you Fella-keep Buster safe and tell him I love and miss him terribly.

As always,each and everyone of you have made such an impact on so many.I never could have made it without you.Too many to single out and not the best time for me as Buster just passed,but wanted to say thank you.You are never forgotton.

Trish-I just glanced through a few recent posts.I was so shocked and saddened to hear of Flynn's passing!I'm so very sorry.You must miss him terribly.I loved reading your humorous descriptions and your adventures with Flynn.You have helped so many here and have been a bright spot for so many of us during our dark times.Don't know what I would have done without you when Fella passed.I only wish I could have been there for you.
Keeping you and dear Flynn in my thoughts and hope you are ok.I hope to see you from time to time on here.

So many of you have touched my life in ways that even my closest friends weren't able to do when Fella passed.Thank you again from the bottom of my heart.I just read of Molly's passing and even though I know its been awhile,of sweet Zoe as well.I'm so sorry Sharlene and Addy.I enjoyed reading your sweet stories and I know how much you loved them.You were always there to lend an ear or a kind word,despite dealing with medical issues with your own babies.My heart is with you as I know the loss can be unbearable at times.Keeping you both in my thoughts.Especially hard with the holidays coming up.I can only hope that Fella,Flynn,Molly,Zoe,Tia,Squirt,Buddy,Chloe(and so many more! ) and now Buster have met up and have become fast friends.With the bonds and strength their moms share,I have no doubt!And Mel..You were so kind and loving.I miss you so much.I hope Boyce is doing well.So many I havent mentioned-Leslie,Marianne,Tina,Lori,Chloe's dad and so many more-my brain is shot right now and cant remember all the names right now,but never forgot you and your words of comfort...too many to list but know each and everyone of you made a bad day better.Miss you all-Happy Thanksgiving!

Love,
Patty

labblab
11-20-2016, 06:46 AM
Oh Patty, I'm so very sorry to hear about Buster! I know that each loss is so hard to bear, especially in the midst of the memories of those who have gone before. But I am so touched that you thought to come back to us, and as soon as I leave here I will be adding Buster to our special memorial thread as an honorary Cushpup. Without any doubt, he is certainly one of our angels!

I hope so much that you have otherwise been well. You and your babies are always part of our special family, and I hope this will always feel like home to you. I wish you peace and comfort, Patty, especially right now. Forever in loving member of sweetie Buster.

Sending many hugs across the miles,
Marianne

Harley PoMMom
11-20-2016, 12:43 PM
Oh Patty, I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Buster. You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers and sending loving and comforting hugs your way.

More hugs, Lori

molly muffin
11-25-2016, 01:13 PM
Patty, I am so sorry to see that you have lost your precious Buster. I'm sure Fella was right there waiting to say hello once more.

Sending you big hugs.

apollo6
11-27-2016, 01:22 PM
Dear Patty,
I am so sorry for the lose of your precious Fella. There is never enough time to be with them. The emptiness can be overwhelming. May sweet Fella be at piece. He will always be in your heart and soul.
LoveSonja and Apollo

Bo's Mom
11-27-2016, 06:24 PM
Oh Patty,
I am so sorry to hear this sad news. May you continue feeling comforted that he was met at the Rainbow Bridge by so many of our precious ones that have left us and wait for us to join them again. Look to the stars as they are the holes in Heaven that allow them to see us every evening. ((((HUGS))))