Mira, 7yr old Husky - Cushings ruled out; liver cancer (Mira has passed)

[jrepac]

I understand this is an incredibly hard position to be in...I would focus on the quality of life and the time she can spend with you in a reasonably healthy fashion. It's very hard to make that decision, but while she is up and about and enjoying herself with you, you don't have to.

It is never easy to let go, under any circumstances, I know that feeling. But follow your heart and you will know when she is ready.


Jeff & Angel Mandy

[Altira]

Well if there is one thing I'm good at it's following my heart. I gave Mira my dinner to night. She didn't eat much. She went outside and laid down and it started to rain. It going to be another long worrisome night.

Ok cute Mira story:
We like to get fast food and park at the train station and hope to see a train go by. We also watch airplanes while listening to the airport control tower. We of course take the dogs with us, they are so good laying in the back content as can be just to be with us. Horribly romantic if you ask me. Anyway, we stopped to get gas on the way home. I was driving so I started to get out of the car. Well Mira desided she wanted to come up to the front of the my car. Bud sitting in the passenger seat notices this and starts playfully chewing her out. "hey what do you think your doing?" I of course wait to make sure she complies. Mira stopped and looked at Bud yapping away at her, you could tell by his tone he was playing with her. Mira lifted her paw and smacked Bud right in the chest! We started cracking up. She gave him a good swat as if to say "shut up! You always tell me to shut up. You shut up!"

[Altira]

The ramblings of a heart broken mom...

Man: "ours is but to wonder why" that has brought us to reason

Dog: "ours is only what is" no yesterday, no tomorrow? Dogs don't remember? Dogs don't anticipate? Dogs don't remember how to sit on command? Or when you put the bag full of doggy stuff along side bags of human stuff don't dogs anticipate getting to go somewhere with you? Don't they patiently await the moment you say ok let's go? Mine sure do. No Mira doesn't know she is going to be robbed of half her life. But I sure do. I know I'm being robbed of half her life. I will never forget that. She doesn't know she's going to die. Ok maybe dogs only associate. That could explain a lot I supose.

The teachers are representing you so badly, that none of them can see you. Let not another search be made in vain. Let not another child be slain.



It was a good point though. Well worth thinking about along with everything else anyone says here.

[jrepac]

HA! Dogs are so funny at times and often smarter than we think. Mandy was a horrible passenger in the car, but she did love it, nonetheless. Talking about anticipation, when she was little, my Mom used to like to take her to Dairy Queen...she knew when she got there that she'd get a little kid-sized cup of soft vanilla. She loved it!

It's the happy times you'll need to remember...and they will make you smile.


Jeff & Angel Mandy

[Squirt's Mom]

Hi Janis,

Thinking of you and your beautiful girls today. How is our Mira doing? How are YOU doing?

Hugs,
Leslie and the girls - always

[Altira]

I don't know but Mira looks plenty peaceful at the moment to me! She's been laying there belly up for at least an hour. I held back on the prednisone and that labored panting stopped. I gave her only a tiny bit of the pain med at midnight. She sure doesn't look like she's in pain to me right now. Hopefully I'll get the next four med combinations right thru the day right and we'll have a happy thanksgiving.

Taken at 5am 11/25
http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/picture.php?albumid=264&pictureid=2084

She even ate a little bit of canned dog food a bit ago. Wish she would quit coughing. I should go buy a turkey! I think Kira, Mira and Bud would like that.

[Squirt's Mom]

Hi Janis,

Mira certainly looks happy in that pic! Content as a bug in a rug! ;):D I hope this day is full of contentment and peace for you, your girls, and Bud...with or without turkey! :)

Hugs,
Leslie and the girls - always

[Altira]

I was in the kitchen cleaning up the thanksgiving dinner mess. Bud hollered... I let Mira out. I know I just saw her go by the window. Oh god she's heading toward the planter. No running, jumping or playing. Her liver could rupture. I fought down the want to run after her. Jumping up in the planter and investigating the bushes was her favorite thing to do. Well If she should hurt herself and died, at least she died doing something she loved. So I keep cleaning up thinking about what I'd feel if I saw her out there struggling. God. I moved toward the sink to rinse off more dishes and this is what I saw when I looked out the window.
http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/picture.php?albumid=264&pictureid=2086
Mira laying on the cool cement peering in the kitchen window watching for me.
I'm going to miss her.

[Squirt's Mom]

awwww....how sweet is that!

[jrepac]

very cute pix :)

I always wonder if the dogs KNOW it is a holiday? Or, do they think..."hey, these guys are nuts today and are giving me all kinds of good stuff!!"

Jeff & Angel Mandy

[Altira]

Probably the later Jeff lol. They probably don't understand us any better then we do them.

She doesn't want turkey today she wants peanut butter AGAIN! and to be out in the freezing cold. Her nose is twitching, sniffing. But her eyes are fixed on the open door waiting for mom to come in view again. The peanut butter forgotten. But at least she's not panting like she was a little bit ago. I think the meds give her hot flashes. Shell be laying quietly then start panting non stop. It doesn't look good. Geez I just put my iPhone down to go find my iPhone to take a picture. I'm in great shape eh? Hopefully I'll talk to her cancer dr soon. We have an apointment at 3 but I don't think we'll keep it. I don't want to chance the bouncy car ride.

http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/picture.php?albumid=264&pictureid=2087

[Altira]

We are not having a good night

[missbeagle]

Janis -

My thoughts and prayers are with you tonight.....from the East coast.

Hang in there honey. You are loving her every day and doing the best you can.

Gretchen and Rusty in NC

[Altira]

I think she is suffering

[Altira]

She was coughing and coughing Coughed up some white stuff. Looks like she's resting now. I'm a mess. Hyperventalting.

[Altira]

Sweet baby 7 year old Mira is gone. Me and 10 year old Kira go take walk.

[labblab]

Oh Janis. I am so sorry. I so wish I could truly hug you. Mira will never suffer again. But your suffering is not over. How I wish I could change that for you. Thank you for sharing your precious baby girl with us. We will never forget her, Janis. She will always be remembered and honored here. She will always be part of our family.

My heart is with you on this sad morning. Sending you many hugs across the miles.
Marianne

[missbeagle]

Tissue Alert....

Tribute To A Best Friend

Sunlight streams through window pane onto a spot on the floor...then I remember,it's where you used to lie,but now you are no more.

Our feet walk down a hall of carpet and muted echoes sound....then I remember, it's where your paws would joyously abound

A voice is heard along the road,and up beyond the hill then I remember it can't be yours....your golden voice is still.

But I'll take that vacant spot of floor and empty muted hall and lay them with the absent voice and unused dish along the wall

I'll wrap these treasured memorials in a blanket of my love and keep them for my best friend until we meet above.

Author Unknown

[Squirt's Mom]

Oh Janis,

Mira is free this morning - free from her pain, free from her damaged body. But her spirit will always walk with you, every step of your life, shining her love on your heart as you did hers.

Hold the memories of the good times with sweet Mira close in your heart always. Let them warm your soul and sooth your broken heart.

One day, Janis, one day, when our jobs here on this plane are finished, we will hold our babies in our arms once again and smother their faces with kisses, never to be parted. Until then, know that your sweet Mira is watching over you, with you always even tho you can no longer touch her as you once did.

If I could take away your pain today, I would. Since that isn't possible, I hope it helps to lessen your burden to know that my tears are falling with yours, my heart aches with yours, and that many others here are sharing in your anguish.

Our deepest sympathies,
Leslie, Squirt, Trinket and our Angels, Ruby and Crystal



I AM NOT THERE
Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn's rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there, I did not die.

Various sources attribute this poem to the one of the following authors:
(A) Mary Frye
(B) Joyce Fossen
(C) An unknown member of the Hobi Native American Tribe

[Altira]

I let her go too soon. I hate myself

[Altira]

I'm so sorry little Mira. I need bed buddy

[Altira]

She was having bad coughing spells. We were jamming stuff down *her throut *she was Coughing up stuff. *T got scared. She was walking eating bright eyes. I too let her go too soon. *The sweet little girl who wanted nothing other then me. I got scared. I hate myself. I let her go took soon.

[Squirt's Mom]

I'm here, Janis. Keep talking, honey, keep talking....

[labblab]

Janis, try to hate the disease and not yourself. Hate the tumor that grew far too soon in your baby girl and robbed her of her life. Hate the tumor that was choking her and that would have burst one day or another. Today or tomorrow or the next day.

Remember Mira's bright eyes. You released her while her eyes were still bright and before they clouded with pain that you would not have been able to stop.

Janis, try not to hate yourself. It is hard. But please try.

Marianne

[frijole]

Janis, I am so sorry and there is nothing I can say that will take away the pain. You gave Mira a wonderful 7 yrs and you did everything you possibly could for her. You spared her of pain and you did that out of love and concern for her. So please don't be hard on yourself. Hugs, Kim

[Roxee's Dad]

Dear Janis,
I am so very sorry for your loss of Mira. I wish there were words to ease your pain but I know that there are none.

I know that asking you not to blame yourself will not help. Please know that you gave Mira the greatest gift one can give a loved one. This is a quote that I have heard from Sue....But to take the Pain away from Mira and make it your own is the greatest gift you could have ever given her.

Please take heart in knowing that you have taken the burden of her pain and suffering and made it yours. That is the meaning of true love. I share in your tears and heartache.

Rest in Peace Sweet Mira, You are now our newest and brightest star in the sky.

(((HUGS)))

[jrepac]

Oh Janis,

I am terribly sorry to hear that Mira has passed. I am sure she knew how much you loved her. Hers was a life too short, but with the company of someone who adored her. She is no longer in pain and running and romping with the rest of the furbabies in doggie heaven.
Maybe she will bump into my Mandy and they'll have a run about...:o
Mandy always liked the big doggies and the little kitties..

Jeff & Angel Mandy

[littleone1]

I'm sorry to hear about Mira, Janis. I know this is a very difficult time for you. Take comfort in knowing that Mira is now in a better place, where she is free from pain and is no longer suffering.

Terri

[Squirt's Mom]

FROM FRIEND TO FRIEND

You're giving me a special gift,
So sorrowfully endowed,
And through these last few cherished days,
Your courage makes me proud.

But really, love is knowing
When your best friend is in pain,
And understanding earthly acts
Will only be in vain.

So looking deep into your eyes,
Beyond, into your soul,
I see in you the magic, that will
Once more make me whole.

The strength that you possess,
Is why I look to you today,
To do this thing that must be done,
For it's the only way.

That strength is why I've followed you,
And chose you as my friend,
And why I've loved you all these years...
My partner 'til the end.

Please, understand just what this gift,
You're giving, means to me,
It gives me back the strength I've lost,
And all my dignity.

You take a stand on my behalf,
For that is what friends do.
And know that what you do is right,
For I believe it too.

So one last time, I breathe your scent,
And through your hand I feel,
The courage that's within you,
To now grant me this appeal.

Cut the leash that holds me here,
Dear friend, and let me run,
Once more a strong and steady dog,
My pain and struggle done.

And don't despair my passing,
For I won't be far away,
Forever here, within your heart,
And memory I'll stay.

I'll be there watching over you,
Your ever faithful friend,
And in your memories I'll run,
...a young dog once again.

In Memory of Asta, Feb. 1997
(c) Karen Clouston

[addy]

I cry with you, my heart aches with yours, if I could take away your burden of guillt, I would.

It is always too soon for us, it will never be the right time for us.

Words cannot ease the pain or erase the guilt. Only time can heal us.

I am so truly sorry. Thank you for sharing your sweet Mira with us durring such a difficult time. Thank you for letting us into your life.

I am proud to know you.

Love,
Addy

[Altira]

God this hurts. I've been run over by a steam roller and lived. There are no pain killers for me. God says I have to keep on living. I can think of nothing more crewel. He won't even let me sleep.

[Altira]

I'll never get that sweet face out of my mind. That sweet young face. Good god. My Mirie-moo. Why did you have go so soon?

[gpgscott]

Janis,

I have not posted to you before.

I also have lost little ones way before their time.

It is not you and it is certainly not Mira. I think it is simply fate.

Be strong, I believe Mira was sent to you for a reason.

Godspeed Mira.

Scott

[BestBuddy]

Janis,

I am so sorry to hear Mira lost the final battle. It was her time and nothing you could have done would have changed that. You loved and cared for her as long as you were allowed and that's all we can do.

Jenny

[Altira]

Janis,

I have not posted to you before.

I also have lost little ones way before their time.

It is not you and it is certainly not Mira. I think it is simply fate.

Be strong, I believe Mira was sent to you for a reason.

Godspeed Mira.

Scott

My mothers first child's name was Scottie. He died when he was 1 1/2. I of course never knew him. He choked to death on the changing table strap. Imagine. Another death too soon. Thank you Scott my brother. It was fate for certain. And I will look for that reason.

[apollo6]

Dear Janis
I can't stop crying for you.
After reading your post, all I can say is you loved Mira dearly and you did the best you could for your Mira, and she knew that. I wish I could give you a shoulder to cry on.
I will be praying for you
dear sweet Janis
Love Sonja and Apollo
August 25, 2010
that special place in our hearts
feels so empty...
But we realize, as times passes,
that animals have a way of teaching us about loving,
about loyalty, joy, and friendship...
And whatever we've shared in their presence
can never really be lost.

Thinking of You
At This Time
sharing in your grief

[John II]

Janis,

I am so sorry to hear this news.
It's so unfair when they are so young.
Please know that you did all you could have done for Mira.
And that Mira was loved more in her short life than most dogs are in ten times as long. She was blessed to have your care and your love.

:(

[Altira]

She was a lucky dog. I hope she was.

[makita1996]

I work with grieving families everyday... I often search for poems to comfort families during this most difficult time. I came across this poem/letter and it really touched me. I thought I would share it with you.....I have read it so many times and each time I cry....
Take care, Heidi

A Simple Message From Your Pet
by Ken D. Conover

To have loved and then said farewell is better than to have never loved at all.
For all of the times that you stooped and touched my head, fed me my favorite treat and returned the love that I so unconditionally gave to you.
For the care that you gave to me so unselfishly.
For all of these things I am grateful and thankful.
I ask that you grieve not for the loss but rejoice in the fact that we lived, loved and touched each other's lives.
My life was fuller because you were there, not as owner, but as my friend.
Today, I am as I was in my youth.
The grass is always green, butterflies flit among the flowers and the sun shines gently down upon all of God's creatures.
I can run, jump and play and do all of the things that I did in my youth.
There is no sickness, no aching joints and no regrets and no aging.
We await the arrival of our lifelong companions and know that togetherness is forever.
You live in our hearts as we do in yours.
Companions such as you are very rare and unique.
Don't hold the love that you have within yourself.
Give it to another like me and then I will live forever. For love never really dies, and you are loved and missed as surely as we are.

Your pet in heaven.

[mytil]

I am so very sorry Mira has passed. My heart is with you. She knows you tried and in your heart you know this too. She is pain free now and will be watching over you and Kira.

(((hugs)))
Terry

[Franklin'sMum]

Oh Janis,

I am so very sorry to hear of Mira's passing. I know there is nothing that can be said to ease your broken heart, just know that we are all here with you and for you. Thank you for sharing Mira with us.
My deepest sympathies to you and your family.

Jane, Franklin and Bailey xxx

[jrepac]

I work with grieving families everyday... I often search for poems to comfort families during this most difficult time. I came across this poem/letter and it really touched me. I thought I would share it with you.....I have read it so many times and each time I cry....
Take care, Heidi

A Simple Message From Your Pet
by Ken D. Conover

To have loved and then said farewell is better than to have never loved at all.
For all of the times that you stooped and touched my head, fed me my favorite treat and returned the love that I so unconditionally gave to you.
For the care that you gave to me so unselfishly.
For all of these things I am grateful and thankful.
I ask that you grieve not for the loss but rejoice in the fact that we lived, loved and touched each other's lives.
My life was fuller because you were there, not as owner, but as my friend.
Today, I am as I was in my youth.
The grass is always green, butterflies flit among the flowers and the sun shines gently down upon all of God's creatures.
I can run, jump and play and do all of the things that I did in my youth.
There is no sickness, no aching joints and no regrets and no aging.
We await the arrival of our lifelong companions and know that togetherness is forever.
You live in our hearts as we do in yours.
Companions such as you are very rare and unique.
Don't hold the love that you have within yourself.
Give it to another like me and then I will live forever. For love never really dies, and you are loved and missed as surely as we are.

Your pet in heaven.

that's a wonderful poem Heidi...these are tough days right now, but I'd like to think that I'll see my all of my fur babies young and frolicking and healthy some day again. ;)

Jeff & Angel Mandy

[mypuppy]

So very sorry for your great loss. God Bless you both and rest in peace sweet Mira. Tight hugs. Jeanette and Princess

[Squirt's Mom]

Hi Janis,

Just popping in to check on you today.

I have no doubt that Mira is watching you closely, hoping you will soon know what a wonderful thing you did for her. You saved her from a horrendous ending, excruciating pain that nothing would have touched. You filled her last days with peanut butter, walks, treats and much love, and for this, plus all the years you lavished her with your TLC, Mira is grateful.

You gave her a gift unmatched - you took her pain as your own so she could be free.

We are still with you.
Hugs,
Leslie and the girls - always

[Altira]

I cry for hours then I pass out from exhaustion. I Howl. I slept in the dogs pillows I can not bear not having my bed buddy. I felt ok for awhile when I first got up. I was able to clean up the kitchen of most all the things I had been doing for Mira. I didn't wash out an empty peanut butter jar. I put it on a shelf and hung her collar over it.
I took kira for an hour long walk at 5am. I didn't want to come home but Kira was slowing down. Mira never wanted to stop. It was really bad when we got home. The most tragic death in my life. Took me 9 months to get over our first one. I handled that one so wrong. I was determined to hold on to him. Determined to see him, to sence him. The only thing I held on to was a dark cloud that followed me everywhere. I didn't do that with the next cus I knew it was hopeless.

What we all wouldn't give to see a misty image frolic past... But we won't. I Tell myself not to look for it.

[addy]

Grief is a process and it is a different process for each of us. Please keep talking about your feelings and your beloved Mira. Maybe it will help the process to talk it all out.

We are all here for you, willing to listen.

May the horrible pain ease somewhat in the coming days.

Love,
Addy

[Bichonluver3]

Dearest Janis,
My heart is breaking for you. I know how hard this time is for you. You should do whatever you need to do to help yourself. Mira was such a wonderful bed buddy and friend but you have not lost that. Grief will only hide it for awhile. You will then find the comfort from Mira again as you recall all the good times together. It is sad that dogs are not given the same life span as us and we tend to look at the length of their lives in human terms. You did not let her go too soon. She had a full life - full of your love and caring. You gave her the greatest gift you could give - a peaceful trip over the rainbow bridge. She is now running through sunny fields, free from pain with all her new friends and your furbabies that have gone before her. You may not see a misty image but you will find her in many places - look for a beautiful flower, a bright twinkling star or a butterfly that sits on your window. She is there. Just look with your heart. You are only separated for a while but your work here is not done. Please stay with us and let us help you through this time however we can. You are part of our family and when one hurts we all hurt.
Love & hugs,
Carrol & Chloe

[Altira]

I've been hiding behind other things today. Worried sick over Kira. I can't stop thinking I'm lossing her too. Something is very wrong with Kira. And I'm terrified to think of Mira. But you will surly know when i do. When the howling starts again. So many things I can't even begin to touch. She is slipping from me I can't take it. Memorials, poems I can't bare them not even close. Not even my words of wisdom. The things that used to sustain me. This is all just so differant. I want to brake things but I don't have the strength. And then I'd have to clean it up and that would just make it worse. The ultimate helplessness. Helpless to this pain. Helpless to this screaming and crying. My mother says I'm fragile cus I take things way too hard. I love my dogs so very much with everything that's in me. When they leave it all has to come out. But everytime in the past when asked, right away I have said yes I'll do it again. There will be more dogs. This is the first time that I can't get those words out of my mouth. I don't know if I can do this again. This time life just seem worth living. I've been distoryed. If I loss Kira too. If she never gets better my heart just might die with her.

[labblab]

Dear Janis,

Between Mira's death and Kira's illness, you have so much to grieve right now. It is no wonder that you are struggling so. This is different than anything you've had to face before. Losing your baby far too early at the very same time that you are scared to death about Kira. It is so much. No wonder it feels like too much.

Please take a look at this thread about Support and Counseling Resources: http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/showthread.php?t=171. We are always here for you and will remain here with you. But you may also want to find a counselor with whom you can talk directly about your pain and your loss. Janis, I do not believe that talking to a counselor is a sign of weakness, I think it is a sign of strength. It is a way to reclaim the strength you need in order to continue to care for Kira while also taking care of yourself. It is just a thought, but I really hope you will consider it.

In the meantime, we are still here with you, Janis. And we will not leave.

Many hugs,
Marianne

[Altira]

I'm a mess this morning from the moment I got up.*
We went for a walk around the block at 6am. *Kira did good. Great for her really.*She loves the cold.*She still speeded up and slowed down. *But She was very alert.. Intently watching people and dogs.

Mira was everywhere on these streets in her last days. And I let her do anything she wanted and she wanted to pee on everything. I think Kira smells her. Kira picks up odd things on walks since Mira's gone. Maybe they smell like Mira. I'm a sobing mess. It's been a very bad morning for me. Kira went into the bedroom earlier where Mira always slept with me. And she looks either way. No Mira. But she doesn't seem sad

Kira is a darn good catch. I never taught Mira to catch and she always looked so sad when Kira did. But I THOUGHT we'd have plenty of time to teach Mira!!!! After Kira was gone. This was Kira's thing right now.*I'm SO sorry Mira!!! I'm so sorry for so much!*I never thought id lose you so soon!* I'm running into pictures of Mira and it's killing me!

I ache so bad today. I'll go take a shower and walk Kira again I don't want to fail Kira too. Maybe I can stop thinking about her for awhile. I pray so deeply that Kira will follow me. She used to. Before Mira came and took that job.

[Casey's Mom]

Janis I have just returned and read your post about Mira - I am so very sorry. Someone said "we take their pain and make it ours" and those words ring so true.

We are all here to comfort you and help you to stay strong okay?

Love and many hugs,

[Spiceysmum]

I am very sorry to hear about Mira. My thoughts are with you.

Linda

[Altira]

I have been far to remiss at saying this. I appreciate all of you so very much. You put up with alot from me. You say all the right things. You cheer me up and let me know Im not alone. This is s place of angels. You saved me so many times in you own way. I can never thank you enough for that.

[k9diabetes]

My heart goes out to you over the loss of Mira... I have no doubt whatsoever that you did the right thing and that you gave Mira the greatest gift of all - you freed her from suffering.

"When" is the hardest decision there is, ever. I found myself thinking a few days ago about that day with Chris, our diabetic dog. We, like you, had a couple of weeks to deal with his cancer diagnosis. The vet thought we should just let him go right away because he had been so fragile and nothing good was going to happen to him in the future. But he was present with us and eating and functioning and we did not feel like it was the right time. When he began to have some bleeding with the effects of the cancer, then we knew that it was time.

And still, before and after, for two years now sometimes, we continue to worry about whether that was the right time. But we followed our guts and our hearts and made the best decision we could for him with what we knew. That's all any of us can do.

In reality, looking back, whether Chris passed a week before that or a few days after... the end was coming and nothing we could do would change that we were going to lose him. We didn't let him go too soon and you didn't let Mira go too soon either. You did the kindest thing for her.

I know the pain that follows and how her death is far too soon for you. I hope eventually that you can concentrate most on the life you gave her for every moment of those years and remember that that's what really matters.

Natalie

[Altira]

Kira and I went out to check on our little possum hunter. But of course she wasn't there. It was one month from the time I first took her in, for what I thought was allergies, they said she had Cushings, seven days later I'm told she has stage 4 cancer in her liver and lungs, twenty two days later she gone. I'm taking a whole new look on life. Kiras prosects don't look any better. I'd like to go out with her. If this is how life is going to treat me then I have no wish to be here. I know I'm not the first one to go threw this. But this is what I'm feeling right now. I cut off half my hair. Next time I wash it I'll cut more. I've had long hair all my life. I'm 56. I just read corkies thread. I certainly dont have that sort of forditude. I will do my best for Kira but it won't be enough. I'd never live through all that without dying myself. If life is going to take my Kira and Mira away from me like this then I don't want to be here either. Something good better happen soon. I want to go to the batting cages somewhere and hit baseballs. I used to be leery good at it. At the moment I think I would pretty damn good again. My god I can't even look at the pictures of Mira without being ripped apart. And my bright eyed Kira walks like she's aged a hundred years. I can't believe this happened.I should post this I know. I'm just hoping the angels will listen

[Franklin'sMum]

Janis,

I know your heart is broken, and you feel that you can't go on. Please, Kira needs you, Bud needs you, and you don't know what the future holds. We love you Janis, and we're right here with you.

Take a breath, please, and don't do anything that can't be undone.

Jane

[frijole]

Janis, Jane is right. I know it is hard. When my dog Haley passed in May my Annie fell ill and I fought like hell for over 9 mos to figure out what was wrong. There were times I felt like a caged animal fighting all the time... I was strong at times and weak at others... but I knew that Annie was depending upon me to be her mouth and to fight for her life. So I can relate to your position. Please please please stay strong for Kira. Mira would have wanted you to. Hugs, Kim

[addy]

I think hitting some balls might be a good idea. Have Bud stay with Kira and hit away, get it all out, swing that bat for an hour i f you have to BUT GET IT ALL OUT and then come home and be strong for a pup that desperately needs you.

None of us know what the future will bring, live is not always fair, but look into the eyes of your dog, just her eyes and find your strength to fight for her. Doesn't she deserve that?

Never quit, Janis, no matter how hard it gets, never quit, if you have to be Scarlett Ohara and shake your fist at the heavens, never quit. No one and nothing can beat you.

NEVER QUIT

Love,
Addy

[Altira]

Mommies lost her fan club. No matter where I went a few minutes later in would wonder little Mira. I always knew where she was cus o only had to look behind me. Is it wrong to want another?it's another heart broken morning. I hugged bud goodbye as she slips from me. This hurts so damn much. Kira doesn't follow me. She is dying too. I don't think I can save her.

[missbeagle]

Janis -

Kira could just be missing Mira.....

http://www.petplace.com/dogs/do-dogs-mourn/page1.aspx

My labrador was mopey and depressed for about two weeks when his beagle buddy went to the Rainbow Bridge.

Go on! Hit those baseballs! And make a hair appointment!

Hugs,

Gretchen

[Altira]

I swear my dogs or at least all our Siberian huskies make things clear as mud!! She has been moping around since the two of them started getting sick. Both of them at the same time. She doesn't look around for her much. They weren't really big on playing together. Mira was quite a brat for many years. I don't know. Ive lived and breathed Siberian huskies for 32 years they are always with me and I still don't know.

I'm a hermit pretty much I rarely go out. But I sure hope I get the courage to go hit those baseballs. I think it would help a lot. Would be better then doing something at at home. I have stopped myself many times. It would upset Kira a lot too. I have one picture out of Mira of the hundred or so I took since knowing. It just kills me to look at it!!!! You can't tell anything is wrong at all. She doesn't LOOK sick or old at all!!!

[Squirt's Mom]

Hey Janis,

I am so raw myself today words are hard to find that might help you. There have been a few howls coming from my mouth the last few days, sounds I don't recognize as coming from me at first, sounds I can't stop. An invisible fist slams into my gut out of the blue, doubling me over with pain, taking my ability to breath away, stilling my feet, bringing me to my knees in agony. Every time I beg, "Let me go, please, just let me go." And every time the answer is the same, "Not yet, your job isn't finished." So I climb back to my feet, blinded by tears and guilt, and stumble forward, one of the many Walking Wounded.

You may remember me telling you that Squirt literally saved my life. For the year prior to her diagnosis, I simply drifted through my days til I finally couldn't take it any more. I began making plans; I gave away things that were important to me to people that were important to me, I tied up all loose financial ends, I made amends to folks I had harmed, I got rid of truck-loads of stuff that I had held onto for years - just hauled it to the dump, I wrote letters for those who might care, I talked to an attorney and got a will set up for my meager possessions, and made provisions for Squirt. There was no urgency or panic or fear during all of this which took several weeks. It simply fell into place like a jigsaw puzzle and once everything was set, a calm came over me. For the first time in 14 months, I didn't feel as if the Sphinx was sitting on my chest.

Since Squirt was going to a new home, I wanted to have her checked out first so her new mom would have the latest info on her. The vet said she needed a dental so that was scheduled and the pre-surgery blood work was drawn that day. This is one vet visit when I didn't feel connected to what was going on; I was removed, almost as if I were watching someone else.

Two days later the vet called with the results of the blood work. For the first time, I heard the phrase, "her cortisol is high," and then the word, "Cushing's." I was told she needed further testing. Something happened then, Janis. I don't know how to explain it but that moment in time is vivid in my memories. Squirt was sitting on the floor at my feet while I was talking to Dr. C. I remember looking down at her and finding her looking up at me. All of a sudden, it was like everything was magnified and high-lighted; I could see every speck of dirt on the floor, every item on the counter behind Squirt, the notes and pics and magnets on the fridge behind her, a fingerprint in jelly on a cabinet door, my bare feet with freshly painted bright pink toenails. But the thing that caught and absorbed my attention was Squirt's eyes. We held each others eyes long enough that Dr. C finally broke through when I heard her yelling, "Ms. Richards! Hello! Ms. Richards!" When I replied that I was ok, I really was okay. During the time Dr. C first called to the time I said I was ok, something in me woke up.

What I saw in Squirt's eyes that day was this - she needed me, Janis. She needed me for more than providing food, water and a good replacement. She needed all of me and completely trusted that I would give it to her. A pure, simple trust born of a pure, simple love. That trust broke through the unbearable pain that damn near destroyed me and I began to fight for Squirt's sake.

I continue to fight every single day, some days more than others. I fight to be worthy of the trust that still shines in Squirt's eyes and the love of those who care for me and depend on me. I fight to be worthy when that day finally does come when the answer is, "You can go now. Well done."

Why you have been asked to carry such pain and grief, I can't say. But I do believe we are never given more than we can handle. Even when we think it is simply too much to bear, that we cannot take another step, we find a way to go on.

I see a correlation between us and hope you will soon see it, too. What Squirt gave to me, Kira can give to you - a purpose, a reason to get back up from our knees when we fall, a chance to learn, a chance to love, a chance to heal. Grab it, Janis, grab it and hold on with all you have. Fight to learn how to help Kira, fight to rise above the grief, fight to be.

With empathy for your pain,
Leslie

[jrepac]

Janis,

I understand your pain; it all happened way too fast and Mira was relatively young. It is never easy, regardless of their age and condition....we are never ready to let them go. It's completely normal to feel the way you do, I've been going through that as well. Just so many reminders, reminding you that your friend has moved on to a better place, despite any/all efforts you may have made.

But, be strong for Kira, she needs you. And you should not punish yourself (I know, it's easy to say, but I've also been thru that guilt phase as well..with all 3 of my Aussies...it is really hard and it will take some time for you to realize you did the very best you could under the circumstances).

Try to get out of the house and keep yourself occupied with other activities, if you can. It can get very morose just sitting around and looking for your pet, waiting for the bark that no longer is there. I've been out visiting the young ones and spending time w/my friends and their pets. It does help a bit.

And, I do think the other pets notice when their pals pass on....my Pom acted very strangely for several days; I'm sure she was wondering where her friendly "tormentor" (Mandy) had disappeared to. One day, they will all be together again, but young and healthy and spry.:)

Jeff & Angel Mandy

[Altira]

Hey Janis,

I am so raw myself today words are hard to find that might help you. There have been a few howls coming from my mouth the last few days, sounds I don't recognize as coming from me at first, sounds I can't stop. An invisible fist slams into my gut out of the blue, doubling me over with pain, taking my ability to breath away, stilling my feet, bringing me to my knees in agony. Every time I beg, "Let me go, please, just let me go." And every time the answer is the same, "Not yet, your job isn't finished." So I climb back to my feet, blinded by tears and guilt, and stumble forward, one of the many Walking Wounded.

You may remember me telling you that Squirt literally saved my life. For the year prior to her diagnosis, I simply drifted through my days til I finally couldn't take it any more. I began making plans; I gave away things that were important to me to people that were important to me, I tied up all loose financial ends, I made amends to folks I had harmed, I got rid of truck-loads of stuff that I had held onto for years - just hauled it to the dump, I wrote letters for those who might care, I talked to an attorney and got a will set up for my meager possessions, and made provisions for Squirt. There was no urgency or panic or fear during all of this which took several weeks. It simply fell into place like a jigsaw puzzle and once everything was set, a calm came over me. For the first time in 14 months, I didn't feel as if the Sphinx was sitting on my chest.

Since Squirt was going to a new home, I wanted to have her checked out first so her new mom would have the latest info on her. The vet said she needed a dental so that was scheduled and the pre-surgery blood work was drawn that day. This is one vet visit when I didn't feel connected to what was going on; I was removed, almost as if I were watching someone else.

Two days later the vet called with the results of the blood work. For the first time, I heard the phrase, "her cortisol is high," and then the word, "Cushing's." I was told she needed further testing. Something happened then, Janis. I don't know how to explain it but that moment in time is vivid in my memories. Squirt was sitting on the floor at my feet while I was talking to Dr. C. I remember looking down at her and finding her looking up at me. All of a sudden, it was like everything was magnified and high-lighted; I could see every speck of dirt on the floor, every item on the counter behind Squirt, the notes and pics and magnets on the fridge behind her, a fingerprint in jelly on a cabinet door, my bare feet with freshly painted bright pink toenails. But the thing that caught and absorbed my attention was Squirt's eyes. We held each others eyes long enough that Dr. C finally broke through when I heard her yelling, "Ms. Richards! Hello! Ms. Richards!" When I replied that I was ok, I really was okay. During the time Dr. C first called to the time I said I was ok, something in me woke up.

What I saw in Squirt's eyes that day was this - she needed me, Janis. She needed me for more than providing food, water and a good replacement. She needed all of me and completely trusted that I would give it to her. A pure, simple trust born of a pure, simple love. That trust broke through the unbearable pain that damn near destroyed me and I began to fight for Squirt's sake.

I continue to fight every single day, some days more than others. I fight to be worthy of the trust that still shines in Squirt's eyes and the love of those who care for me and depend on me. I fight to be worthy when that day finally does come when the answer is, "You can go now. Well done."

Why you have been asked to carry such pain and grief, I can't say. But I do believe we are never given more than we can handle. Even when we think it is simply too much to bear, that we cannot take another step, we find a way to go on.

I see a correlation between us and hope you will soon see it, too. What Squirt gave to me, Kira can give to you - a purpose, a reason to get back up from our knees when we fall, a chance to learn, a chance to love, a chance to heal. Grab it, Janis, grab it and hold on with all you have. Fight to learn how to help Kira, fight to rise above the grief, fight to be.

With empathy for your pain,
Leslie

Yup if that moment does flutter by, rest assured I won't miss it. It is what I'm looking for. And yes I would grab it knowing it's where I was ment to go and I would let it consume me. It is how siberians came into my life in the first place afterall. It was a sign as clear as day and I've never felt otherwise when that happens. We are a fancyfull lot aren't we? Believers in fate. Nothing we could ever dream up could effect us the same way. It was the same way with my first love. The instant I saw him I knew I was doomed. I also knew I was helpless to stop it. Fate. This thing with Mira though. I never knew fate could be this crewl. You however my friend got tagged by it even worse then me. Not much but never the less it was just wrong.

[Altira]

It is irritating when people don't let you vent. Your upsetting the dog just get over it. Your husband needs you to be strong. Well I'm not strong. Let them live with that. I'll get over it in my own way, in my own time. So much so that I won't even recognize the dog in the picture. They won't even look familur to me. But that certainly won't be happening tomorrow or the next day or even a month from now. It will probably happen when I let my love shift to another dog. And I'll scream and cry for letting go. Then it will be gone. And that's when I can see the good things. That's when I can remember without pain. You know getting over a death the next day seems pretty heartless to me. Never really loved them in the first place. Watch out anger is taking over!

Kira is scaring the hell out of left and right too. I really need help with that.

[jrepac]

It is irritating when people don't let you vent. Your upsetting the dog just get over it. Your husband needs you to be strong. Well I'm not strong. Let them live with that. I'll get over it in my own way, in my own time. So much so that I won't even recognize the dog in the picture. They won't even look familur to me. But that certainly won't be happening tomorrow or the next day or even a month from now. It will probably happen when I let my love shift to another dog. And I'll scream and cry for letting go. Then it will be gone. And that's when I can see the good things. That's when I can remember without pain. You know getting over a death the next day seems pretty heartless to me. Never really loved them in the first place. Watch out anger is taking over!

Kira is scaring the hell out of left and right too. I really need help with that.

I hear you and share your thoughts; I don't get the "one day and it's done" mentality of grief related to pet loss. It takes a long time to work through. I'm now approaching one month since my Mandy's passing and a day does not go by w/out thinking about her. The sadness is lifting yes, and being replaced by happier thoughts. But, you just don't "get over" the loss of a beloved pet in a day or two.

Just don't worry about what others think....you feel the way you feel and that's it...but do try to give Kira all the love and attention she wants and needs from you.

Jeff & Angel Mandy

[Altira]

Just the right words at the right time. It nice to here from someone who is there too. Thank you. I figure I'm in it for three months at least. Before I can truly let go and another ^^ furry face will make our family whole again. And mysweet Kira will never..o.. have to be alone...

[maggiebeagle]

Its been almost a year since Maggie died and I still cry sometimes. The tears are more nostalgic now and not so heart rending.
Those people that don't understand that our dogs aren't "just dogs" are missing out on so much in life.
Please allow yourself time to grieve. Know that this is a safe place to write what you can't say aloud to anyone.

[StarDeb55]

Janis, I lost my Harley at the beginning of October. It will be a long time before I'm over it. I know most of my family & friends well enough to know that some are of the "it's just a dog" viewpoint, & some do understand my grief & sadness. I quit discussing anything to do with my dogs with the first group of people a long time ago, & I think that I have finally got the point across to them to leave me alone, & not badmouth me in any way about what I do for my dogs or how I feel about them. If this group of people still choose to give me "attitude", I cut them off, no matter how rude I might be, & they can all go "jump in a lake". The 2nd group of people truly do understand my grief, & these are the folks I, now, rely upon for support & understanding. My K9cushings family leads the way in the group of folks I rely upon.

Debbie

[mypuppy]

Janis,

Debbie pretty much nailed it. Well put Debbie.

You need to feel your pain because you have suffered a tremendous loss, and to heck with anyone trying to convince you that your baby was not worthy of your great pain merely because he was a dog. This is a no brainer really--write those insensitive people off if they don't respect what is important for you, and surround yourself with the beauty of understanding and empathetic friends who share in your pain.

Thinking and praying for you to find the comfort you need at this moment, and from one fur baby lover to another, God Bless you and your precious Mira. Tight hugs. Xo Jeanette and Princess

[Altira]

Its been almost a year since Maggie died and I still cry sometimes. The tears are more nostalgic now and not so heart rending.
Those people that don't understand that our dogs aren't "just dogs" are missing out on so much in life.
Please allow yourself time to grieve. Know that this is a safe place to write what you can't say aloud to anyone.

Did you get another dog?

[maggiebeagle]

Cailey joined our family in March. We named her after forscooters two bad boy bassetts, Scooter and Bailey. She has been a blessing.
She is a 28 pound black mouth cur mix and is very different from Maggie in looks and activity level.
We talk alot about what a special dog Maggie was and we remember all the funny things she did. We were preparing ourselves mentally to let her go, trying to decide if we were making the decision too soon. One night, she had what the vet thinks was a stroke and we had to let her go that day.
Maggie was a rescue dog, but I feel she is the one who did the rescuing.

[Altira]

I think beagles are so cute. Maggie sure was. Those eyes. Is the new one a beagle too? Kira is behind me reminding me I promised a walk! A long time ago! Huskys don't bark but they whine a lot and some sure like to talk. Kira likes to talk.

[me and my twiglets]

Hi Janis
I have not posted in your thread before but I have been following.
I was very sorry to read about your Mira.

My wee Bonnie passed away just a few weeks ago on the 13th Nov..
My heart is broken just like yours. I just wanted to post because I know how you are feeling. My Jock a scottie dog passed away in 2007. Jock also died of liver cancer that had spread around the body. I also found out after it was too late to do anything. Reading your thread was so painful because it reminded me so much of how Jock passed.
Anyways.... if your heart is telling you to get another dog then I would go ahead and bring that fluff ball home.
I could not bare it after Jock passed away and like you I had another dog at the time "Bonnie" who had cushings. Soon after I went on to have another scottie "Mactavish" and I'm so happy I did.
Big hugs
Denise

[Altira]

My house is just not a home without two doggies in it. It won't be tomorrow or the next day but maybe before Xmas.

I'm going to ACC in a couple hours to have Kira tested and talk about Cushings . It's the last place I hugged my little Mira just a week ago. I hope I don't completely come apart. I know there will be tears but I need to focus on Kira. Oh man Janis don't think about Mira right now.

[Altira]

Hi Janis
I have not posted in your thread before but I have been following.
I was very sorry to read about your Mira.

My wee Bonnie passed away just a few weeks ago on the 13th Nov..
My heart is broken just like yours. I just wanted to post because I know how you are feeling. My Jock a scottie dog passed away in 2007. Jock also died of liver cancer that had spread around the body. I also found out after it was too late to do anything. Reading your thread was so painful because it reminded me so much of how Jock passed.
Anyways.... if your heart is telling you to get another dog then I would go ahead and bring that fluff ball home.
I could not bare it after Jock passed away and like you I had another dog at the time "Bonnie" who had cushings. Soon after I went on to have another scottie "Mactavish" and I'm so happy I did.
Big hugs
Denise

I'd just die if there wasn't at least one furry face around here. Two is the best. I asked bud once if we could have three and he said "how about none". No two is fine.

[bkdice]

Just the right words at the right time. It nice to here from someone who is there too. Thank you. I figure I'm in it for three months at least. Before I can truly let go and another ^^ furry face will make our family whole again.

Janis - I'm so glad you have so much support here. I know your heart is in a million pieces and you'd give anything to fix it. It will take time. It's been 17 months since I lost my boy, and I still cry often. I am still not ready for another dog. I believe you will know when you are ready, and that new family member can help you heal.

Wishing you all the best.

[frijole]

Janis - You are with the best support group you could find anywhere. We really understand. It does take months to get over the loss of our furry ones. As I've shared, I lost my baby Haley at the end of May and have spent the rest of the year fighting like a maniac to save my Annie. I hurt and right now I can't imagine another dog yet. My family can't believe it but I feel like I need to focus on getting Annie well or at least give her all of my attention. Beyond that - I can't yet say. Everyone's hearts mend at different rates. Take your time and just know we understand. Kim

[Altira]

Dr Deihl at ACC the one who had to tell me about Mira's cancer... gave me a pet loss book. It's a workbook sort of with question and answer sections. I did the one titled "how well are you dealing with the loss of your pet?" Out of a possible 1(best) to 16 (worst) I got a 4. I was prabably closer to a 12 when this all started. I couldn't done it without you. Everyone who posted me a hand and helped pick me up time after time. I still have a long way to go but at least i'm doing it right. At the moment I just feel meloncolly too tired to feel much of anything.

[Altira]

She was lossing the fur around her eyes... that was the worst symptom other then a feeling that something was horribly wrong.
http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/picture.php?albumid=264&pictureid=2104
The fur around her eyes was almost normal again when she died. Cute picture of Kira in the back ground huh? "What's wrong with her mom?"

[Altira]

Fly with the angels sweet Mira...
http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/picture.php?albumid=264&pictureid=2107
Fly with the angels...
http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/picture.php?albumid=264&pictureid=2105
The last picture. The last peanut butter.
http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/picture.php?albumid=264&pictureid=2108


Why? I don't understand. I'm so sorry Mira.............................................. .......... .. ... .. . .. . me too mommy

[Roxee's Dad]

Absolutely wonderful pictures. What a beautiful girl.

(((Hugs)))

[addy]

What beautiful pictures, Janis.

We all ask why, I think, and don't understand, maybe we are not meant to.

I hope in the coming months the photos will make you smile. I still can't look at photos of my kitten, she's been gone five years. Maybe some day I will be able to look at them and smile and that is my hope for you.

Love,
Addy

[bkdice]

Absolutely wonderful pictures. What a beautiful girl.

DITTO! Thank you for sharing.

[Squirt's Mom]

Hi Janis,

You are doing better, girl. I can "hear" it in your "voice". You have survived the last few days, these early days in which we face so many "firsts" without our baby. The first time we go to bed, the first time we wake up, the first time we come back home and open that door, the first time we prepare only one bowl of feed; it seems as if every second brings a new "first" in these early days.

But with every "first" faced and conquered, the next is just a teeny, tiny bit easier. One of these nites, as you prepare for bed, you will look back on your day and realize there were no "firsts", which will bring a little sting of tears to your eyes but it is a sign that you are healing.

Hugs,
Leslie and the girls - always

[Altira]

I have 1805 pictures of Mira.... course a lot of those didn't come out real good.

717 =puppy pictures
738 =from 2004 to 2010
350 =of the last 13 days

[Bichonluver3]

OMG, Janis, the pictures are beautiful. What wonderful treasures to have. We all ask "why?" but we really know the answer. God just didn't plan too well when He made our lifespan longer than He made their's. It just isn't fair. But I, too, hear some healing in your "voice" and that is a sign of moving forward. Mira will be so happy to see you get back on your feet. She would want you to remember her with smiles and a warm feeling. She will be waiting for you when it is time for you to be together again.
Love & hugs,
Carrol & Chloe

[Altira]

OMG, Janis, the pictures are beautiful. What wonderful treasures to have. We all ask "why?" but we really know the answer. God just didn't plan too well when He made our lifespan longer than He made their's. It just isn't fair. But I, too, hear some healing in your "voice" and that is a sign of moving forward. Mira will be so happy to see you get back on your feet. She would want you to remember her with smiles and a warm feeling. She will be waiting for you when it is time for you to be together again.
Love & hugs,
Carrol & Chloe

Life is a series of dogs..
It's better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all.

Well I've made it this far anyway.

[labblab]

That may be pretty soon cus if Kira goes anytime soon I'm going with her. Please let Kira be ok. Please make this stop.
Janis, in recent days you have made several statements similar to this one. When experiencing intense grief over the death of a loved one, it is natural to have thoughts of hopelessness and desperation. But when those thoughts become more frequent and overwhelming, it is time to seek professional support. All of us here care about you very much, and deeply wish that we could ease your pain. But we are not able or prepared to help you in the face of suicidal thoughts. Once again, I strongly encourage you to seek professional assistance. Or at the very least, to see if there is a pet loss support group where, under the guidance of a group leader, you can directly talk with others who are also grappling with their grief. Your vet center may well know of such a group. If not, here again is a list of support and counseling resources for you to consider:

http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/showthread.php?t=171

We care about you, and we will always be here to help honor and remember Mira. We are also here to continue to offer our support and suggestions regarding Kira's treatment. But you are frightening us with your statements of hopelessness, Janis, because they go beyond a scope that we are prepared to handle here. As I said earlier, I do believe that getting the support you deserve is always a sign of strength, and not of weakness. You are a strong woman at heart, Janis. And a trained professional will help you to reclaim that strength.

Marianne

[Bichonluver3]

Hi, Janis,
Yes, life is a series of dogs. Unfortunately it is because their natural lifespan is so much shorter than ours. It is something we have to deal with in order to get the immense gifts of love and loyalty they give us. But it is all worth the price.
I look at my babies: of the 3, 1 has Cushings and 1 has diabetes. This is their life, I cannot change it. But I will make their life as good as I can. They were rescues and I promised them that much when I brought them home. I know my time of grieving will come. When I am right again within myself, I know that there will be another little precious soul waiting for me to find him/her. It is what my babies would want. Dogs are not selfish and their hearts are huge. They would want us to share the wonderful life they had with us with another little baby in need.
You summed all that up in your statement "Life is a series of dogs". Yes, my dear Janis, you are on the road to healing. Stay with us. We are all here to help. But what Marianne said is true. If you need more professional help, find it. Kira needs you and who knows who else is waiting.
Love & hugs,
Carrol

[Altira]

Life is a series of dogs...

George Carlin said that... "Hey doc that was great can I have another one?"

Not selfish? I don't know... Mira didn't like sharing me too much. She'd whine until Kira got out of HER spot. Then Mira would go get a drink and Kira took over again. Mira would just flop down and wait. If I petted or hugged both dogs at the same time Mira would growl.

As long as I keep believing Kira will be alright I'm alright. As long as Kira grows old I'll be alright. And even if she does neither of these things I'll still be alright. But I reserve the right to let my emotions fly in every way, shape, manner or form. Whatever needs to come screaming out. I scare the hell out of my mom too. I bet every one here has felt like they wanted to die how could you not. It's how I get past it. And then I go on to do it all over again just like the rest of you. If they didn't make us so damn happy they'd never upset us so badly when they go. And I have to tell you my dogs will get a blood test once a year from now. I didn't even have a chance to save her. But I had one month, it could have been just days, it could have been no days at all. It could have been worse. I'm glad we had that time together. I'm glad she let me touch her and cry. I'm glad I can look at those 350 pictures I took the last 13 days. I have a video of her chest as it pounded and her breaths fast and shallow. I'm going to post it on you tube so anyone can see what I was seeing. Her heart being pressed against her ribs. Her heart rate never faltered it staid steady and strong. She was otherwize a healthy young girl. Anyway.

[zoesmom]

Janis -

Don't think I ever posted to you but I have followed your journey with Kira and Mira. Such beautiful girls. I am so sorry about Mira. You were a great mom to her. It is normal to want to blame yourself and think that you let her go too soon. But given her diagnosis and condition, I do not believe that for a moment. When they have such serious problems, as Mira did, I truly believe it is better to err on the side of caution and choose sooner rather than later -- because the thought of them suffering and being unable to tell us would be far worse. I think you absolutely made the right choice for Mira. Hug Kira close and continue to trust in your instincts with her. Sue

[Altira]

Hug Kira close and continue to trust in your instincts with her

That's exactly what I'm going to do this morning ... Hug Kira close and continue to trust in my instincts with her.

I'm going to stop all meds and wait and see what this last test says. She seems terrible to me. I want to see if this helps.

[Altira]

Oh Mira, only five days gone and I'm already talking about getting another dog. I'm so sorry. Your brother Tiger and Poppy had puppies about five weeks ago. There is one called Auntie Em. You would have been her aunt.

And another three year old female called topaz. That Sherri kept that she said I could have. She is your cousin.

Kira will have an operation. What if I lose her too? She wants a friend, she tries to play with other dogs we pass by.

Nobody follows me anymore. No bed buddy, no welcoming committee. Kira just sleeps. She wont even come when i call her. Mira I miss you. I can't believe you are gone. Your eyes were so bright and your face so young. Tell me what to do.

[fivebichons]

I am so sorry for your untimely loss of Mira. My heartfelt sympathy for your loss. Godspeed precious Mira.

Don't feel guilty about thinking about another pup, especially a family member. Mira would want you and your family to be happy. You can never replace her. You are just giving another fluffer a wonderful new home.

God bless your family,
Heidi and the bichons

[Squirt's Mom]

Hi Janis,

Thinking of you and Mira today...

Hugs,
Leslie and the girls - always

[jrepac]

I am sure that Kira would enjoy having a new friend. Although it has been just a short time since Mira has passed, you have a nice opportunity to bring in a new family member...who is literally related to your Mira and Kira. I think that is very nice:o

It's tough to consider getting a new furball when you have not let go of the last one...I was out this weekend looking at pups and had these feelings of guilt/betrayal. It's a bit ridiculous, I know, but you can't help it. It just is. But, I'd like to think that even if my Mandy were alive, she'd welcome a new friend into the house...:rolleyes:

Jeff & Angel Mandy

[Altira]

You know Leslie said that you go through a lot of firsts. I never thought of it before but it sure is true. The first time you open the door they aren't there. The first time you wake up and they aren't there. The first time you walk your dog and her mate is not there. Had she died of old age she would still be there. For another maybe even harder part is when you wash away all evidence of them. I had tipped the coffe table up on it's side and moved it against the wall. She had yipped twice crawling out from under it. I was afraid shed rupture her liver so I moved it. Every time I looked at it I cried I couldn't move back into place. I'd never see her under it again. Vacuuming the carpet was a killer. Sucking up all her fur and throwing it away. One of the last times I brushed her I saved some. Washing the floors she slept on. The nose prints off the windows. And my Jeep that had carried her to the vets so many times those last three weeks. I had gone out to the garage and furiously polished it one night. I wanted the car that would carry her to her death to sparkle for her. In the process i had walked by the door leading into the house and i wondered would she be there on the other side ?? She was. I invited her out in the garage with me. And i told her what i was doing. I was so upset and angery.

Then there was putting away the second set of leashes I had made specail for her. I didn't put her bowl away until Neka came. And the multitude of pills for her that never got used. She didn't live as long as we had hoped. I only just cleared them from the counter a few days ago. Washing away all the evidence that she ever existed. And the rain that came and washed away every place she had so carefully marked those last days. All gone. Washed away. Was she ever really here? Or did I just imagine her?

[Roxee's Dad]

Dear Janis,

She was always there, and she will always be with you in your heart and memories. Her spirit will always live on and at times you will be staring into space and you will see her in your minds eye with that special look that she would give you and you will feel lucky that you had each other to share that time of your lives.

(((Hugs)))

[Altira]

Maybe this needs to be said. At least from my point of view. They say that's it's wrong to get another dog right away. I don't agree with that. It sure felt that way when I first started looking though but now it feels just fine. I look at Neka and I smile. She's so cute I can't help it. How can that be wrong? I look at pictures of Mira, or even just think about her and I cry so easy. How can that be wrong? In those last days I let myself get so close to her. I think if I hadn't done that this would have been a lot easier. But I just couldn't not show her how I felt about her and how much I apprecated her constant attention. It ment so much to me. And if your thinking that I was looking for a dog just like Mira hoping she would be just like Mira... well I wondered that myself. Afterall I picked the one that looked the most like Mira and cloestly related. But it's not that way at all. Neka is her own little girl and I think that's just wonderful. And if she grows to look very much like Mira that's wonderful too. If I look at her and see Mira's essence then I couldn't have asked for more. I think it's a great tribute to Mira to want that. This is out 6th Siberain Husky in 30 years. They all were so differant, this one will be too.

[Altira]

New years eve:
It was a hard night. A whole new year. It just makes her feel that much farther away. I better not say more Bud is right here and it will just get me crying more.

On a happy note ... Wiggly bite bite bite Neeka got all sleepy right after midnight, I picked her up and got to hold her and brush her for about a half hour while she slept. Mira's little niece. So small, so soft.

[Squirt's Mom]

I am so glad little Neeka is helping to ease your pain over Mira. I hope each day is easier and easier to face.

Hugs,
Leslie and the girls - always

[caroleh]

I am so very sorry. My tears are with you. We just lost our little Schnauzer Fritz this morning. He was the love of our lives. Although we have nine other dogs and 5 cats, Fritz was the sweet baby that stood out. Just remember Mira is no longer in pain nor is Fritz and we will all meet on the Rainbow Bridge. I know it exists.

Although I am not with you I am holding your hand.

Carole

[Altira]

The things you don't think about. Every year I make up my own calendar. If your like me you can't even remember how old you are. I could careless about my age but the dogs is important. I alway note how old they will be each year. I sat down today and started making my yearly calendar and suddenly realized I wouldn't be putting Miras birthday on the calendar. We didn't even make it to eight. And when the city asks me to pay for Miras dog license I'll have to tell them she died. I keep remembering those last few nights. We couldn't go for walks anymore it was too dangerous. Shed go outside and lay just on the other side of the window from me. I'd get up and go out there in the freezing cold and sit with her. Laid down with her one night. Oh Mira. I keep remembering sending her off with the girl at ACC knowing soon she'd be dead. Its ok Mira go on. Oh Mira. This year I added her to the bottom of the calendar where I list the dates the dogs died.

Sigh 9-6-78 to 9-30-91 (13 yrs)
Sasha 9-10-84 to 2-9-00 (15 yrs)
Kodi 9-16-91 to 3-7-03 (11 yrs)
Mira 2-27-03 to 11-27-10 (7 yrs)

That's a pretty wide range huh?

[clydetheboosmom]

Oh my heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry.

Lynne, Clyde & Bailey

[Squirt's Mom]

Ah, Janis,

Another first. :(

Today, Mira is running for all she is worth. Chasing butterflys, deer and geese through the sunny fields across The Bridge. She carries you with her in her heart every step, knowing this is just a temporary phase. She still feels the warmth of your body as you lay beside her in the cold and she knows the source of that remembered warmth is your love, never ending.

Hugs sweet friend,
Leslie and the girls - always

[Altira]

Tribute to Mira

From the day we met we stuck like glue her and I. It was hard on both of us to be separated. But after five or so years we began to work it out. She didn't freak out anymore when I had to leave her. She was such a doll and I was so proud of her. It was at the same time that she became so beautiful. I saw her daddy walking her and I raced for the camera and caught her lopping beside him. Later I asked Bud why he had walked her and he said it was because she looked so beautiful. He had seen it too.
http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/picture.php?albumid=264&pictureid=2003
For the next year and a half we lived the life I had always dreamed of. My beautiful doggies. My beautiful Kira and Mira. Then when she was seven they told me she had cancer and only had thirty days to live and my world came crashing down. I didn't even know she was sick. She would be with me in the same room all the time and I didn't know. We went for walks every night and I didn't know! And for the last twenty two days of her short life I watched her being eaten alive by this horrible thing. There was nothing I could do, it was too late! What a crewel way to take her from me. My pretty Mira. I never saw her grow old. Her eyes were always bright.

I remember on Thanksgiving, I was in the kitchen cleaning up the dinner mess. The dinner I had shared with her. Bud hollered... "I let Mira out". But I already knew, because I just saw her go by the window. Oh god, she's heading toward the planter. No running, jumping, or playing. Her liver could rupture. I fought down the want to run after her. Jumping up in the planter and investigating the bushes was her favorite thing to do. Well if she should hurt herself and die, at least she died doing something she loved. So I kept cleaning up, thinking about what I'd feel if I saw her out there struggling. Oh God. I moved toward the sink to rinse off more dishes and this is what I saw when I looked out the window.
http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/picture.php?albumid=264&pictureid=2086
My sweet Mira laying on the cool cement, peering in the kitchen window… watching for me. I was more important then the bushes. Watching me was more important. A day and a half later she was gone. She was only 7 years old. I can’t believe she’s gone. The rules for grieving are all different when they die young.

I loved you Mira…
Mommy
(Janis)

[frijole]

Tears is all I can give you Janis. Its a sad story and so unfair. But Mira was loved. And she knew it. I'm sorry this happened. Hang in there and hug your other furry critters. Kim

[Altira]

It's been a very tearful couple days. I just about finished Miras photo album and the tribute is written. I printed all the pages here and added them to her records. And i had to wash away more evidence of her. I'm feeling pretty raw. I'm so mad about Mira. But it fired up some anger and determination to do better. I've made some progress with Neeka "maybe" found somethings that work. Shes making this cute little sound when she has to potty. Its worked all day today anyway. And Kira had a little spring in her step today too. And she let me brush her teeth a little too. I hope I can stick with it. Next week Kira and Neeka should be able to start hanging out together. They have been separated since Kiras surgery. I hope they will let me help them to get along and maybe learn to share like Kira and Mira did. I lost so much when Mira went away.

[jrepac]

So nice to hear about Neka Janis. I am sure she is a sweet pup.

But, no, you won't ever forget your Mira. I have had similar feelings and experiences over the last few weeks....I totally adore my new little friend, Pebbles, but Mandy is not far from my mind, or my heart. I am still gradually cleaning out her "stuff" (last week it was her meds and vitamins). But even if the "stuff" is gone, the memories are not. But, I took two of her stuffed toys from way back, cleaned them up and gave them to the puppy. She loves them and it's a pleasant reminder of my Mandy, rather than a sad one.:o

Jeff, Angel Mandy & Chi-Chi Pebbles

[Altira]

Not the best camera work... But below is a link to a Neeka video I put together. "Karamads Auntie M's NEEKA" will be her registered name, in honor of her Auntie Mira as is this video.
*
Janis
*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kvreKHh32KU

[labblab]

Oh Janis, Neeka is such a cutie pie! I feel certain that Mira's spirit still fills your home and yard, and is guiding your new baby girl every step of the way...

Marianne

[Altira]

I hope someday I'll be able to think of good memories of her. I loved her to pieces and she me but she was a difficult dog too. I gave in too easy. It's like she just dropped off the end of the earth. Running happily, looking back smiling at me and just suddenly fell off. Poof! Gone! She shouldn't have run away from me.

[jrepac]

Neeka is awfully cute! What a pretty girl!!:D

[Altira]

Neeka hugs Kira while Kira asks God...
http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/picture.php?albumid=274&pictureid=2278

[maggiebeagle]

[QUOTE=Altira;47157]I hope someday I'll be able to think of good memories of her.

It will happen. It took awhile but now we can talk about the good, sweet, funny things about Maggie and smile (and sometimes cry).

[jrepac]

Neeka hugs Kira while Kira asks God...
http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/picture.php?albumid=274&pictureid=2278

such a sweet picture :o

[Altira]

Sad day today. Miras been gone two months. I also learned that Miras breeder lost her 16 year old Marci a few days ago. Well 16 years, 4 months and 14 days she tells me. You can always tell howmuch a person cares when they come up with these figures. If I had to picture Mira at 16 I think she would have looked exactly like Marci at that age. We met Marci when we got Neeka. In fact we have a picture of me petting her. You could tell she didn't have long and she looked so much like Mira. I guess I really can't say I never saw Mira old cus I think I did. The breeder said
"Mother to none, auntie to all.* She raised my puppies with discipline and love. It hurts bad." I cry for Sherri and Marci today too.

[fivebichons]

I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious Mira. All of your babies are beautiful. I know they can't replace her, but I hope they help you overcome your sorrow one baby step at a time.

God bless,
Heidi and the bichons

[Altira]

Thank you. Kira and Mira had an exceptional relationship. And i collected many pictures of the two of them together. I'm putting together a still picture video called "Once There Was A Kira And A Mira." hopefully I can get it on YouTube for awhile.

[jrepac]

It's hard not to count the days and months, isn't it? I'm still in that stage as well, even tho' my new little one keeps me occupied. :o

I like to look at photos of Mandy w/her doggy pals...I've got some cute ones and they do remind me of nicer times. I wish she had a chance to meet little Pebbles; I had been thinking about making the addition to the family many months before Mandy's passing, but held off.

But, who knows? I think if I made the choice earlier, it would not have been little Pebbles :)



Jeff & Angel Mandy & Puppy Pebbles

[Altira]

I just can't get it out of my head. Mira happily doing her wild patty cake thing, tearing into the house ninty miles an hour or outside diligently possuim hunting. Then the next day she can't hardly walk. A week later I learn that she's dying! Where the hell did that come from? How can a dog with that much energy and life now be dying? I can't get out of my head that image of her. I would say to her life is good huh?? And she'd happily dash off into the other room. She had become such a sweet heart. Finally after six years the separation anxiety had gone away. Everything seemed wonderful at long last. Then "cushing's"? WTF? I can't get that out of my head. The whole thing seems unreal. Her walking.. I remember coming back from walking her and saying to Bud... How can she get this bad so fast? It had been only a few days. We were out running the week before. How could she have hid it so well? Why did obvious indications be so misunderstood or explained away. Like I said my husband thought I was nuts to take her to the vet. I wondered that myself. Was I being over protective or was this weird feeling real? We both thoroughly expecting it was nothing. Oh hell, Bud is sitting here playing with Neeka. She tried to bite him but ended up falling over his feet instead. Oh he is teaching her all the wrong stuff but he loves her. Oh well.

[Altira]

Hello Meary Moo. Wish you were here.

[Altira]

Once there was "Kira and Mira"
Video- Please watch....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ziGt6b-skNg

[Bichonluver3]

OMG, Janis, what incredibly, amazing pictures. I am in tears, myself, here. What a wonderful way to honor Mira. Thank you so much for sharing part of her life with us. We are so much the better for it and will never forget your beautiful girl's face.
But she is not gone from you, her love and beauty lives in you and has allowed you to make room in your heart for another precious soul. Mira would be so proud of her mom.
You have come a long way. It's not easy. But Mira is with all her new friends playing in a body that is healthy and whole. She is running free and will watch over you until, one day, you see her again.
We live in the California desert and the night sky here is so clear. I can see the twinkling stars of all our angel babies bursting with light and happiness against the dark sky. I say goodnight to all of them, every night, and I believe with my whole heart they are watching over all of us.
Try to find some peace in knowing that you shared a moment in time that some people never get to experience. Short as that time was, it was an incredible gift. You loved her, she loved you. That bond can never be broken. You were an amazing mom.
Love & many warm hugs

[Altira]

You know... I'm home almost 24/7. I know this house well and all the sounds it makes. Maybe six times now I've heard sounds that make no sence at all. Just today in the top corner of the room I was in a cracking sound. Not so uncommon but it was the sound that followed that I can't even find words for. Kira walked in the room a second later. She's only been in that room like four times since Mira passed. Kira did you hear that? She excepted the hug and a pat on the head and quit the room again. In the kitchen five days ago. Another sound. I don't go look. I don't want to look for her. Cus she won't be there. Looking for her will just make things worse. Ho geez.. Neeka just threw up for the first time ever. I don't think I want to talk about this anymore. Neeka is telling me she's fine. Mira, she's gone. But i cant help but wonder.

[Altira]

Today I needed to go get meds for Kira. So I loaded up the dogs. Neeka is in training for travel. We are heading for ACC.*And I'm**crying thinking about Mira. When we got there I told Neeka this is where your Auntie Mira died. I was in there for about fifteen minutes. Looking at all these faces that I remember so well. They have five receptionists.**I saw dr Diehl.*I wondered if any of them remembered me. It's been two months. Three since mira died. It's a busy place. Nobody said anything. I thought about bringing Neeka in to met them but I didn't. My Mira... Damn

[Altira]

Happy Birthday Mira! Where ever you are!

I have a little green digital clock on the table beside me. It flashes back and forth between the time and the date. I looked at it a few moments ago and see that suddenly parts of the digital numbers are missing. The battery must be low. How odd that would happen at this moment. But I already know it's February 27th.

Happy Birthday Mira.

I'm so tired.

[apollo6]

What a beautiful tribute to a beautiful friend.Mira.
I cried through the whole video.
hugs Sonja and Apollo

[Princess Leia]

Being fairly new to this site, I just saw the beautiful pictures you posted. I too am grieving a very new loss of my Princess Leia. She had Cushings, but I also suspect liver disease. I know what you mean about hearing the noises. I look for her in faces of others, and feel she is close by. I believe your Mira is also close by, so thankful of the time you had together. We can only hold onto the wonderful memories we had with our furry friends. I fell so blessed to have had the time I did, as I am sure you are too. I think that one day we will all be reunited with all of those we have cared for throughout our lives. My thoughts are with you as we travel through our grief.

[Altira]

That is so sweet thank you!

I haven't forgotten you Mira. But you know that. I keep remembering the moment I let you go. The last time I touched you. And the moment after that, that I can't say yet. Everytime I think of you it's that movement. You weren't ready to go. You didn't know it was the end. God it hurts. I feel so bad.

[Altira]

Remember I told you my little green clock on the table beside me had suddenly quit working right after midnight. It was the first moment of what should have been Mira's 8th birthday. And I wondered. Surly it's just a low battery. But then the next morning it was working again. It was still Mira's birthday. And it could still be a low battery. But I wondered. I told Bud about it to. He seemed to wonder a bit too. But then he said it must be a low battery. Odd though cus it continued to work for a long time. Weeks. Finally about a week and a half ago it quit. It was sad cus i had hoped it wasnt low batteries but i wasnt surprized when it quit again. I sadly told Bud. *

A few days later i bought a new battery. And much to my dismay it still didnt work right. Its a digital clock and parts of the numbers didnt light up. I had grown very dependent on this clock to let me know what day it was. *I only ever used it for the date. I messed with it for three days! Trying to get it to work. I *cleaned it and fiddled with it. It was no use. It was broken. Now I'm thinking my so important little clock had started to die on Mira's birthday. Started to die just like my little Mira. That sure made me sad.

I needed this clock so I began looking for a replacement on the Internet. I looked for three days. There was nothing like my little green clock. I tried *again to get it to work. I tried different batteries and fiddled with it again. I've had it for years and it still looks new! But still only parts of the numbers would light up. I just couldn't seem to give up on it. My little green clock started to die on my Mira's 8th birthday.

I looked at her picture beside me and I said. Why did it start to go bad when it did? Was that you Mira? Well if it was and you made it do that when it did, then show me. Make it start working again on Kira's birthday. I put the fresh battery back in it and kissed it and set it up on a shelf to wait until Kira's birthday on March 27th. There's no way it was going to start working again.

That was about three days ago. A little while ago I looked up on that shelf where I had set it aside. The numbers appear to be working. I'm afraid to touch it. This clock is clear, it could be diseving. I picked it up. The numbers are working. But it's not set. Maybe it's just a flook. Maybe the minute I touch the buttons it will just mess up again. But I had to try it. It worked. It worked perfectly. No evidence of a short or faulty buttons.

Now I sit here and look at it flashing the date at me and Mira's picture so near to it. I speak to her picture and think maybe she does hear me, maybe she does know what I'm feeling. And maybe the little green clock will quit again tomorrow.

I know it didn't start working again on Kira's birthday. But when does god ever allow for clear signs from the here after. We can't prove it exists for just this reason. So it not being the exact timing I asked for to me seems almost irrelevant. Or wishful thinking.. Time will tell (ha ha). Will my clock fail again or will it carry on for years to come?

It's funny mom... When I asked Mira to fix my clock I thought about tell you. So I would have a witness that I really had asked for this. But of course I didn't. For lots of reasons. One being that god doesn't allow clear answers. If I told you it might not be allowed to happen. And you know even if it does quit again this is still something, maybe it will happen because I told you about it now. I once asked for a sign with all my heart for months and months after Sigh died. And this horrible black cloud hung over me the whole time. I promised myself not to ever do that again. It was a horrible place to be and I never saw the slightest sign from Sigh. I did have that very odd dream but as hard as I was trying to link to him I just figured the power of my mind created it. So with Mira I was not looking but I had started singing happy birthday to her before I noticed the clock.

Anyway. I did not ask for this, it was just given to me. I'm so sorry little Mira...

[Squirt's Mom]

Oh, Janis,

Tears are just flowing, falling off my chin in rivers. Mira and your mom, together, reaching out to you through a little green clock - what a wonderful gift! I think they knew you needed to feel them now, not in a few days - they needed to touch you now, not later. You called in your pain and they came to ease your heart, to let you know they have never left your side, that they are always watching over you.

I believe when our time comes to cross The Bridge, we will be filled with an understanding that encompasses all. All our questions will be answered, everything we could never grasp will be clear, we will see things as they truly are, unhampered by human emotion or intellect. A pure, clean, limitless awareness.

It was this awareness that your mom and Mira have attained that told them you needed this sign now. I believe this was a healing gift from them to you - a tangible sign you can see and touch so you will know they are together, that they are ok, and that they still love you more than you can ever know on this plane.

If the lights in that little green clock go out today and never come back, that is alright - it has served it purpose. And it had a secret purpose that went far beyond what it's manufacturer ever intended - as a conduit of pure, unadulterated love sent to bath your soul in light and peace.

You have been truly blessed. Thank you for sharing this story, Janis.

Many hugs,
Leslie

[labblab]

Janis, I thank you for sharing, too. And like Leslie, I do believe that your little clock has served its purpose well.

I hope that Mira's spirit will always remain close to your heart, and that the reminders of your loving connection will never cease.

Sending many hugs in honor of your sweet baby Mira.
Marianne

[clydetheboosmom]

(((hugs)))



Lynne, Bailey and Angel Clyde

[Altira]

Thank you. I'm so fancyful i know. It's nice to know that some poeple dont think im nuts. Its what i need to deal with the loss i guess.

The Little Green Clock... Quite a story. It has since stopped working correctly again. It worked for a while on Kiras birthday but faltered again before it was over. It did start to die on what should have been Miras 8th birthday. And maybe came back just for a whisper. I dont know my mom and i think it may have been my grandmother. She always seems to come around just before i loose a dog. Just a whispering in my head. She seems to know before i do. Maybe mira was a suprize to her too cus she didnt do that this time. No whispering this time. That could be my fault. My faith in god has slipped some in resent years. More so with the sudden loss of Mira one day shes happy running around seeming heathly as can be, then 22 days later shes gone. Mira... I can't believe she's gone.

I got her license renewal notice today. I wrote and told them she is gone.

[Altira]

Sweetie Mira. I can't believe this happened to you.

[fivebichons]

Janis,
I just looked at your video. It brought smiles and tears to my eyes at the same time. What a beautiful keepsake you have. Thank you for sharing it. Even when it is hard, try to keep the faith. Some days you just take baby steps.
Lots of hugs,
Heidi, Marco, Sophie, Sasha & Maggie
...and Friskie, Lucky, Cheri and Snicky from Heaven...

[Altira]

I'm still haunted by so many things. How can I ever forget those last 22 days. It's almost 3 am, baby Neeka isn't sleeping. She just crawled back into the pillow again for the forth time in the last hour. It set off one of those unexpected moments. I remember Mira those last days, I don't think slept at all. I didn't sleep much and she was always awake. I wonder what she was thinking. People think I'm over her. But when I'm alone I remember those last twenty two days. I think about what bud told me and picture it inmy head. Talking to the cancer doctor. I couldnt remember something so I went to the car for my notes. When I came back bud said Mira tried to follow me. Wanted to follow me. I know it happened cus I was recording our visit and I heard the doctor and him remark about it. Mira always wanted to be with me. But I sent her away. When I walk the dogs I play sad songs. I look at the sky and tell Mira I never wanted her to go. If she is out there somewhere it sure doesn't feel like it. She's just gone. There is nothing. If anyone wonders about getting another dog to soon. At least for me there is no problem with it. I still grieve for Mira. It's been six months but it feels much longer. And we love little Neeka to death. She brings us happiness.

[Squirt's Mom]

Dear Janice,

So good to hear from you again but I am sorry the pain of losing Mira is still so close.

It does get better, however time does not heal all wounds, as the old adage goes. Some wounds will never truly heal no matter how much time passes. The smallest, seemingly insignificant things can rip it open again, bringing us to our knees in fresh waves of pain and grief. A scent, a sound, the expression on anothers' face, a blue flower that didn't bloom....something innocent in and of itself but devastating to our hearts. We find ourselves thrown back to the most awful of days over and over again, reliving it in minute detail, asking the same unanswered questions.

For me, the times those wounds are made new again come less often and I recover a bit more quickly as the days have passed. Those painful triggers don't always lay me low today, sometimes they're just a slap not a punch. Time has not and will not heal these wounds, it has simply given me the opportunity to learn how to look, how to listen, how to live as one of the Walking Wounded.

"Opportunity" sounds like an odd choice of words, I'm sure, but that is how I have come to see things. For every horrible, life-altering event I have survived there has been an opposite and balancing gift. But it was a long time before I was aware of this - a long, long time. Squirt's Cushing's diagnosis just about did me in; I truly lost my mind in fear. But as awful as that time was, that diagnosis led me here where I found not only help for her but friends, real friends. Her diagnosis broadened my little world, enriching it - balancing the anguish and fear I still have for her future. Because of her illness I have learned so much, not just about Cushing's but so many things, including myself.

It's only because you love Mira so much that you grieve so deeply. I think that in itself is a gift, Janis. So many people are unable to feel those depths, they cannot know the kind of love that leads to such a degree of suffering. It's this ability to love in such a manner that allows you to see your babies as more than animals; it's this ability that led you to Mira, Kira, and now, Neeka. It is this ability that will lead you through the valleys and into the light.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers always.
Hugs,
Leslie

[Squirt's Mom]

A Dogs Message from Heaven

I am sending you this message as I can see you are still having struggles with coping each day since my passing.

You may walk in darkness and your heart is broken with my absence. I haven't left you as you hold me in your heart. Please don't be sad as the light will come shinning through for you. For each day of sunshine, think of it as reminder of me beaming down on you. Be happy that I am no longer in pain from sickness or injury. I don't want you grieving for me for long as it makes me sad to see you in so much hurt. Don't dwell on the guilt you feel for making decisions we both know you had to do and I thank you for releasing me of my sickness.

Cry if you need to miss me if you must, but don't worry about me, I'm in a place I love.

Yesterday I talked with the Creator and he said you'd come one day. I wanted you to know this. So you see I'm happy and I am free. There's nothing to worry me. Dry your eyes and make plans to see me again. I will look for you and when you get here, you will see what a wonderful place this is.

Let me tell you what it's like here in this wonderful place. There are no clouds or dreary rain…Just lot of blue sky and sunshine casted on us from His most gracious presence. There are miles of green grassy fields and meadows of beautiful flowers.

There are no cruel humans to hurt us, just the keepers who have been specially chosen to care for us...

We all get along here large and small. Some of us had a pretty rough life while others were very spoiled. We run and play tag or chase balls. We can be lazy as we want and take long naps. The Creator checks on us each day.

I have met many of your friend’s fur kids here.

It's been neat to see my brothers and sisters again that came here before me. There is never a sad moment. Just so much to keep busy....We get a lot of new kids arriving daily and is fun to show them the ropes here.

We are here waiting here for you when your purpose on Earth is complete. My wish for you is to be happy for me and not sad. It will be the most happiest of reunions and I will lick away all your tears. There will be nothing but good times for ever and ever.

I will let you feel my presence if you will just have faith and allow it to happen.

When the time is right and it will come, I want you to take in another fur kid to care for just as you cared for me and protected me from all harm and gave me the security that I needed all those years. They deserve the life I had with you. Don't think of it as replacing me but giving another the love you have inside you to bring joy to another. I felt honored to a part of your life and you gave me so much of yourself.... That will always be special.

You were my life and I will always love you for that.

I am not that far away and I will be close to you in spirit and will remain in your heart. That is the bond that connects us. Do not think of me when I was at my worst but all the great memories we shared together. I hate to see you cry. I am happy here so be glad for me.

I want to be remembered for all the silly things I did and things we did together. We had some great times together.... So cherish those memories.

So my best friend, until your task on Earth is finished, take care of yourself and help another less fortunate kid to know the love I shared with you and you will be forever rewarded. You will know when the time is right.

Love you Forever,
Your 4 legged soul-mate.

Author...Kay Faulkner

[Altira]

Awe Leslie, it is always nice to hear from you too! I guess in a nut shell one could say "there is good in all things". They sure can be hard to find sometimes. If not for Mira, we would not have Neeka. But I still tell God that that was not a good enough reason to take Mira that way. But never the less, we love Neeka.

I went to the dentist the other day. A root canal you know. He gave me Valium and nitrous oxide and told me bring my favorite music to lessen to. Well those songs are all the ones I was listening to before Mira got sick and after she died. Normally I'm fine with them. Tears started to fall right away and when it came to the song I used for my "Once there was Kira and Mira" video the dentist stopped cus I was shaking. I said this song is too sad. He let me change it. I'm still glad thou, I'm used to the mental pain, physical pain not so much.

I need to comment on Kiras thread soon. We have two general doctor visits this month. I'll wait until then to offer my thoughts on her.

[Altira]

Oh Mira... You've weighed so heavy on my mind the last several days. Your little niece Neeka is so beautiful and smart. I'm so glad to have her. And so sad you had to go the way you did.

[Altira]

It was a year ago the tragedy began. I've already begun many tearful days. I've lost many dogs I loved no less. But this one was just not fair. I look at that x-ray and I see what looks the insides of a very healthy dog. Clear and strong. Except for this huge white spot right beside her heart that should not be there. I remember feeling like I was going to throw up when I saw it. Poor Mira. So unfair.

Our Kira is not doing overly well. Not well at all. Like Mira there is nothing solid to pin a problem to. Like Mira, minor things are being explained away. I fed her steak tonight. If we are loosing her I want spoil her now. She was in the kitchen shaking tonight because the smoke alarm was going off. She continues to loose weight since her Cushings operation ten months ago. From 68 pound to 53 now. My sweety Kira. 11 year old Siberian Husky.

[Altira]

The little green clock strikes again...

For 7 months now my little green clock has worked faithfully. I had almost forgotten what it once did.

Thanksgiving is the last sort of good day I had with Mira. The day she told me I was more important then the bushes.

Today is Nov 24th, it's thanksgiving. Earily this day at a little after midnight my little green clock did it's thing again. Flashing between digital numbers that are half missing. Again I am stunned. why now? why at this very moment?

But it does not end there. For the next several days it continues with it's odd flashing of unreadable numbers. Back and forth, from the date and time.

Today is Nov 27th 2011. My Mira died one year ago on this date. On Nov 27th 2010. At a few minutes after midnight my little green clock started working perfectly again. Flashing 11 27. I can hardly breath!

This is the forth time now. It only falters on dates relivant to my Mira.
My Mira, my little green clock.


Taken on Nov 24th just after midnight:

http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/picture.php?albumid=264&pictureid=3315


Taken on Nov 27th just after midnight:

http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/picture.php?albumid=264&pictureid=3316

The angels are out there... I hope they take care of my friend Stormee (aka: Skye). I'm not sure if I'm here for her, or her for me...

[labblab]

Dear Janis,

I just read your reply on Skye's thread, and came rushing back here. Because I had intended to post a reply to you right at the moment that I first read again about your little green clock last week -- but then I got distracted and was tardy in returning! :o

Probably part of my delay was also because it is so hard to find words to express the wonder of events and feelings for which there are no "rational" explanations. But I was (and am) so touched by your enduring love for your Mira and by the comfort that comes from the mysterious antics of your little green clock :o.

I do believe that love never dies, and that the spirits of those we love are never far from us. I hope that the magical messages from your little clock will continue to bring you comfort, Janis, and precious memories of your pretty Mira.

Always in loving memory of your sweet girl,
Marianne

[Squirt's Mom]

Hi Sweetie,

I've tried several times to send you an email and come here to post...but every time I end up crying too hard to write.

Your little green clock, to my mind, is tied to those you loved so deeply on this side of The Bridge. On one hand it is a time keeper in the physical plane but on the other hand it is a reminder from the other plane. A reminder to you that you are not forgotten over there, that you are still oh so very loved and missed just as much as you still love and miss them. It is a reminder that the Crossing isn't the end, it is just another beginning. It's a reminder that nothing of the good in our lives is lost in the Crossing, that all our love goes with us to be continued through all Time. It is a reminder that the pain and grief you feel at this time will one day be left behind to be replaced with everlasting joy as you Cross over. It is a reminder that you are never, ever alone on this side.

You are blessed, Janis, and in return you have blessed others through your loss and pain. I have no doubt that every time you reached out to Stormee or anyone else, Mira's tail was wagging furiously with such great pride in her Mom.

Many hugs, dear one, many hugs,
Leslie

[Altira]

I read Mira's thread tonight. I'm in process of crying myself to sleep and you chimed in. It still hurts so much when I think about it. And I know why you cry Leslie too. It will never go away. It was just too unfair. Thank you for your kind words. And reading about my clock. Ohhh

"I'm drowning here please, anyone. I don't think I can, save myself."
Just lyrics.

[Altira]

Love you Mira...

[Altira]

I know... I changed the picture and put Kira in your place. It was hard to do. I don't feel any less for you, I hurt for you everyday. But at least I can say you were my number one girl for awhile. I'm just so sad you never knew it. I'm so sorry Mira. I can't put Neeka behind Kira, not after what happened to you. Not when I see Neekas little face look at me so sad, just like yours always did.

[Squirt's Mom]

Ah, Janis,

Our hearts are amazing things. We can love so many in such different ways, yet not love one more than the other. "Different" doesn't always mean "more" or "less"....it's just different. And nothing is wrong with different.

I have never, and will never, love another baby like I do Squirt. She is one of a kind in every way. Her place in my heart is hers alone and can never be compared to another's - because they are different. My Crys holds her own very special place, as do Ruby, Syra, Dinah and so many others. But I can't apologize to Crys for loving Squirt as much as I do - the love is different. No less, no more - just different. And I believe they understand this.

Your Mira knows you never have and never will love another like you do her. She knows she has her own very special place in your heart that she will never share with another, that none other could ever fill. Mira is completely and totally secure in this knowledge, in your love for her. She knows your heart is big enough for a whole lot of loves without ever crowding the love you hold for her.

Yes, hearts are amazing things indeed. The more love they hold, the more room in our hearts we have for love. Like a paradox - the more we give away, the more we keep.

Many hugs,
Leslie

[Altira]

I still see you running furiously thru the sky sturring up the wind blasting by me. Your birthday is almost here, just seven days away. Feb 27th I think I will call it St. Mira Majesty day in your honor. That way I can put it on the calender every year. We will sing happy birthday to you all day long and maybe even share birthday hamberger.

It was meant to be.....
http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/picture.php?albumid=264&pictureid=3516

[Altira]

Happy 9th Birthday Mira.
Wish you were here!
Waving to you....

[Cyn719]

ANGEL Mira......I feel like I know you....your mom has shown me many pictures and has told me so much about you. She loves you very much. Run, play and enjoy your 9 th birthday.

Happy Birthday
Love and hugs xoxo

[Altira]

And still we go on without you.

[Altira]

Almost 2 years later... I don't think I'll ever get over the sadness and shock of loosing you this way.

[Altira]

Nope... never will.

[Squirt's Mom]

Some wounds never heal, we simply learn to incorporate them into ourselves. We carry those wounds with pride because they come from the deepest of loves. I know your sweet Mira is watching over you with great pride, Janis.

Hugs,
Leslie

[Altira]

Little Mira Not a day goes by that I don't see you picture. The memories of your death still so vivid. I was remembering you being back in the ER and they had just brought us in to show us the large mass in your lung. The perfect match your liver and lung just at age 7. I heard you cry in yhe background they said it wasnt you but i knew it was. I was so upset i told them not to let you suffer. I remember talking to you on the exam room floor telling you how specail you were to me. It's almost been three years now. Your niece Neeka just turned 3 and bless her heart Kira still manages ok. I love you little Mira. Now and forever.

[Squirt's Mom]

Your sweet little Mira is curled up beside you, giving you comfort in her own special way. She understands what you are going through now and wants you to know she will always be watching over you, giving her strength to you.

Hugs,
Leslie

[Altira]

Mira.... I'm so sorry, so so sorry. I love you. Won't ever forget you.
Died: November 27, 2010
I'm so sorry....

[Squirt's Mom]

We will never forget our sweet Mira! And I really don't believe she thinks you have anything to apologize for, honey. You loved her with all your being, did all you could to make her every moment one of joy. I know you miss her terribly and probably think of her more and more often in light of your own troubles now but I don't for one second believe Mira blames you for anything that happened to her. Not at all. She is sending you her love and hopes just as you gave to her when she was sick. She is hoping you remain here with Kira and Neeka for many years to come - that it is a very long time before you to see her again. I know she is laying her head on your shoulder trying to tell you how much she loves you, how much she believes in you, how grateful she is that you are her mom and always will be.

Many hugs,
Leslie

[labblab]

Oh Janis, we will never forget Mira, either.

A precious girl, and a precious spirit.

Sending you many hugs in honor of your sweet Mira.

Marianne

[Roxee's Dad]

Sending many more.... ((((HUGS))))

[molly muffin]

Sending big hugs to you Janis.

Mira's love will always be a part of you, as your love was a part of her.

hugs,
Sharlene and molly muffin

[Harley PoMMom]

Always in loving memory of dear Mira.

Love and hugs to you, Lori

[Bo's Mom]

Remembering sweet Mira today and always.

[frijole]

With love to you both - Kim

[Altira]

They say that the hurt will pass. It's a lie... because sometimes it doesn't. Even my recent breast cancer is fading from my memory. Sweet Mira I'll never forget the pain of loosing you. It's almost been four years.

[Squirt's Mom]

It is a lie, isn't it. :( Some wounds never heal, never stop weeping. But those wounds are born of love, a love that is beyond description, a love that never passes. As much as we hurt, as much as we miss them, we are so blessed to have loved and been loved. And you are so very strong, Janis. I've known that all along and you have never proven otherwise. I know Mira and Kira are so very proud of their mom.

Hugs,
Leslie

[apollo6]

Hugs. No we never forget because they become a part of us. The pain comes and goes.
Hugs Sonja

[Altira]

Sweetie Mira. You just fade. Bit I'll never forget what happened to you. You never grew old. It wasn't fair.

[Squirt's Mom]

Your sweet girls are always watching over their mom and dad and sisters. And we are always by your side.

I hope you and Bud are doing ok.
((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))) )