View Full Version : Notes from a Texas Chili Cook-off Judge

12-29-2009, 07:17 PM
I found one of my all time favorites in my archives at work today. A lot of you have probably already seen it but I laugh my butt off no matter how many times I read it. I happen to love spicey hot food and always have some type of roasted hot peppers in the fridge. I hope our Canadian members will weigh in to let us know if all Canadians have woosy tastebuds. :p ENJOY!

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the city park. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Canada. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chilli 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili


Judge 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge 3 -- (Frank) Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chilli 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chilli


Judge 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chilli 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili


Judge 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting blotto from all of the beer.


Chili 4 Bubba's Black Magic


Judge 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT...just like this is nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Chilli 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover


Judge 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Chilli 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety


Judge 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I crapped myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.


Chilli 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli


Judge 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like crap to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach!


Chilli 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli


Judge 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili!

12-29-2009, 08:06 PM
Thank you for bringing some levity in these very sad times. I know I was getting very depressed reading about everything that has been happening.

You are truly a treasure, Glynda.

12-29-2009, 08:29 PM
Still laughing Glynda:D:D:D

And enjoying every minute of it.


Roxee's Dad
12-29-2009, 08:31 PM
Been to a few Chili cook off's in CA, AZ, TX and TN and I can relate to Judge 3.:eek::) I like hot but hot with flavor. :)

12-30-2009, 07:39 PM
Oh Glynda,

Thank you, thank you thank you, I needed that :D. Laughing your butt off? I've got tears running down my cheeks! :D Franklin went outside coz I was laughing too loud!! Ah, brilliant Glynda!

1) Could've given your ex hubby a run with the snorting I was doing :o
2) Chilli? Me? I would've fallen off the chair on chilli #2. :)

Jane xx
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