My sweet Darla

[sarahbera1]

I lost Darla on 9/24 and my heart aches for her. Sometimes I feel o.k., then I see something or think of something that reminds me of her and the sadness creeps in again. I try to keep strong for my kids and my husband. I feel as though they shouldn't see me cry or they think it has already been 2 1/2 weeks and I shouldn't be crying anymore. My kids seem fine (they are 9 and 7 1/2). I miss her and think about her often. I feel as though I killed her. I made that decision to end her life, not her. I will never get that image out of my head, her taking the sedative, trying not to lay down, and then the dr. comes in to administer the drug. It was the worse thing I have ever witnessed. Her poor little brown eyes looking at me, I was with her the whole time, talking with her, looking her right in the eye. I told her I was sorry this happened to her and that I loved her. She suffered so much and I wanted her to be at peace. I just couldn't run any more tests on her poor little body, but I'm always thinking what if I had tried this drug or done this procedure...would it have worked. I feel like I let her down. Does she know that I loved her enough to make this tough decision for her so she wouldn't suffer any more. Does she think I just didn't care anymore and "let her go". What an awful place to be in, as I'm sure many of you can relate. I miss her and wish I could have done more. As I sit her alone crying I wonder when the pain will ease. When will I be able to talk about her without crying. You all were so nice and helpful when I was going through this, I guess you are the only people who truly understand what I am going through. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there for me.
Sarah

[labblab]

Dear Sarah,

Thank you so much for beginning your new thread so that we may continue to walk alongside you. You have definitely come to the right place, since so many of us here have shared our pain and our burdens of guilt and questioning (and continue to do so...:o). So many people in the world have no idea as to the depth and strength of our connections with our pups. They cannot imagine the responsibility we feel for their care and their comfort, and they cannot fathom our pain over the loss. But everyone here does truly understand. And we will stay with you, and try to help in any way that we can.

Sarah, having shared the pain and the guilt myself, I do believe that your feelings are very natural. Saying that will not make them go away, or change how much they hurt. But I just want you to know that you are not alone. And that 2 1/2 weeks is barely enough time to even realize that Darla is really gone -- it may be many, many more days and weeks before the tears start to be replaced by happier memories of the earlier days when Darla was healthy and full of joy and energy. But I promise you that the day will come...and that you will someday be able to smile once again over the good times, and the bad memories will start to fade further away.

I do believe that Darla knew, without a doubt, how much you loved her. And I am sure that the fact that you remained by her side at that hardest time of all -- looking into her eyes and her heart and soothing her -- was her final earthly memory and your final gift to her. And it is undoubtedly much easier for me to say this than it is for you to accept right now, but sometimes just because a treatment or a medication or a procedure is possible -- it does not mean that it is the right decision for every animal and every person to endure it. Sometimes the right decision is to offer peace and solace and the release from pain and suffering. And so out of the difficult choices you had before you, you did what seemed best and right for Darla, knowing her and loving her as you did (and still do). Not one of our pups would ask for more than that. She is at now at peace, and I hope that, with time, you will be able to find comfort in knowing that.

I will close for now. But please do remain with us, Sarah!

Many (((hugs))) of welcome to you here on your new thread. And many (((hugs))) in loving memory of sweet Darla ~
Marianne

[labblab]

Sarah, if it would not make you feel too sad, I would love to hear more stories about Darla's life with you (and Rascal's, too!). How she came to join your family, and any of the special things she did that you loved (or that maybe also drove you crazy???). I would love to read anything that you would care to share with us...

Marianne

[Harley PoMMom]

Oh, Dearest Sarah,

That adage of "We take on the pain so they can be released of their own," is so very true. Oh honey you did not "kill" her, you set her free, you made this decision from your heart that was filled with love for Darla...this is love and devotion and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I know Darla knew she was loved and you expressed your love to her even until the time God gave Darla her angel wings.

Oh Sarah, we understand your pain, we have been where you are now...the guilt, the what ifs and the buts, and in time it does get easier. Everyone's grief time is different, so don't rush yours or think that yours is taking too long...grieve as long as you need to...we are here for you always.

Love and ((((hugs))))
Lori

[sunimist]

Sarah, I have no words that could possibly ease your pain. I know there are none, but just want you to know I am holding you close in my prayers and thoughts.

Lot's of love and hugs,

Shelba and Suni

[Roxee's Dad]

Dear Sarah,

I, like you and many here have experienced and are still experiencing your pain, the wondering, the what-if's. It is obvious that you loved Darla so much to release her from her earthly pain.

As Lori has referred to, and written to me by Terry and it really helped to comfort me when I think about it.


"Zoe's mom (Sue) has a saying that rings true for me and I hope it will offer some comfort to you both - "the relief from pain is theirs, but only when we have the courage to make the pain ours"

I still get all teary eyed when I read it or think about it but it holds so true, but is yet still so painful.

Thank you for comming back to us and sharing your feelings, I hope it helps even if it's only for a little bit. We are here for you, we are a shoulder to lean on whenever you need one. We do understand your love for Darla and we understand your pain.

I also look forward to hearing more about your wonderful life and times with sweet Darla. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

[Dollydog]

Oh Sarah,
It's only been 2 1/2 weeks....it's been almost 5 for me. I have had guilt for keeping Lady too long and guilt for letting her go too soon. If I'd let her go sooner or kept things going longer, it wouldn't make it any easier to bear this pain and loneliness. I know that I didn't let her down...I let her go, so she could be free from the misery that her life had become.
For the first 24 hours after Lady passed, the image I had in my mind was of her flying over the ground towards me, feet not touching the ground, ears back, smiling the way she had done so many times as she raced towards me. When we were together like that, nothing else mattered, the whole world could have disappeared and it was the most beautiful, comforting image that I could have had at that time.

Some pets have spent their last few days on earth in a clinic, with the hope that there was something that could be done so they could live longer. That would have been h--l on earth for Lady and she never had to go through it....I would never have put her through that.

My family had a cat that even cat-haters loved. My son was 13 when we had to let her go (cancer) and he went with me to the clinic and then was with me when we got home. He was such a comfort that night, mourning with me. The next morning he was much more at peace than I was and his explanation was that I had known Muffin longer than him and that it would take me longer to feel better! If your children see your sadness maybe that story will help explain things to them.
I know that someday we'll be able to talk about our dogs without tears..... I just don't know when that day will be...
I, too, look forward to hearing more about Darla....and when I'm ready, I'll be able to tell you more about my Dollydog angel.
Jo-Ann

[bkdice]

Sarah,

Oh my... you poor thing.....


they think it has already been 2 1/2 weeks and I shouldn't be crying anymore.

This is just so sad to me. I lost my Niko in July. Not a day goes by that I don't cry for him. I don't see an end to the daily crying for many many months. Even after that, I know I will cry for him for the rest of my life. When you lose someone you love so much, no one should be able to make you feel so judged - even your family.

Helping your baby make the journey is a VERY difficult thing. Many people cannot bear to make the choice and / or stay with their babies. I have tried to view it as a gift we can give them, to end their suffering. It is still so hard. Helping release Niko was the hardest thing I've ever done. I feel, though, being there with them through the end gives them comfort.

I'm learning to not second guess myself so much. We all did the best we could for our babies and we are so critical of ourselves / our actions after wards because we loved them so very much. We wanted to do all the right things and the reality of it is, we did do the right things and I have no doubt that each of our dearly departed knows that. If only we could trust in ourselves as they trusted in us. :)

I still second guess some of my actions, but I am doing it less so now. I realize that different choices may have bought him OR cost him only hours. I can only be thankful for the time I DID have. :)

I wrote the poem below about 2 days after I lost my sweet boy. The pain of being the 'decision maker' is an incredible burden... I know. My vet had warned me that he wasn't going to 'leave me' and that I would likely have to make the choice. My heart goes out to you and I do hope you are able to find some peace to heal. You should not feel rushed.

It hurts to be the one
That had to make the choice
Your life rested in my hands
I had to be your voice

I hope you will forgive me
I had to sever the tie
I knew you wouldn’t leave me
You would never say goodbye

Our bond will never be broken
I told you many times
Even though you’re gone
Your light forever shines

Until we are together again
I will miss you so much my friend
I know I will go on for now
Until my days here come to an end

And when I leave this earth
I have you to look forward to
I will again get to embrace
My love that is so true

[Dollydog]

Thanks for this poem, Bettina. I knew that I wouldn't be "lucky" enough to be spared the decision. Somehow I knew that Lady wouldn't leave me on her own....living where we live made it too much of a gamble to leave it too long. Making the decision for us spared her any more suffering....
Jo-Ann & my Dollydog angel :)

[labblab]

Dear Sarah,

I've been thinking about you and Darla a lot during these past couple of days. And a thought occurred to me that I wanted to share with you. This is something that helped me back at the time that my Cushpup died. I would never ever presume that it would feel helpful to you, too. But I just thought I would throw it out there, anyway. :o

I'm a person who really dwells on things that upset me. Back when my Cushpup died, even though people told me that I shouldn't feel guilty -- it was impossible for me to change the way that I felt, and it seemed as though I could find no relief from the pain.

Back then, we had no other dogs. So when I went on my daily walks without my boy, those were probably the times that I felt the very worst. I finally made up this little "mantra" in my head, and I'd repeat it over and over again as I walked: "We loved him dearly. He had a wonderful life. We didn't let him suffer."

I'd say this to myself every time my mind drifted back to the guilt. It only helped a little to begin with. But over time, what I discovered was that every time I said, "He had a wonderful life," I'd have a picture in my mind of him doing something he loved, when he was happy and healthy. And slowly but surely on my walks, I finally ended up with more happy images than sad ones.

This may seem kind of silly. And as I say, I'm not thinking it would work for ANYBODY else. But my hope for you is that, with time, you will also discover a way that helps you to replace the sad thoughts with happier memories. I do believe that is how Darla will always remain alive in your mind and your heart, and it is a precious gift she would want you to have.

Marianne

[sarahbera1]

I've been sitting here reading your posts and crying. I thank you for your kind words. I did have a chat with my husband the other night and cried. He knows I'm upset and will be for some while. He is a very layed back person and seems to have grieved for Darla already I guess. I've asked him if he thinks about her and when he does, does he get emotional. His answer is that we made the decision to let her go and she is in a better place...we wouldn't want our girls to find her in the house somewhere....she is out of pain. I guess he has come to terms with the decision, I have not. Maybe I just don't like to show that kind of emotion to him as I feel vulnerable, I feel like I need to be strong for the family...to put on that brave face. Of course he says I don't have to "put on a front" for him. Anyhow, like I said he is o.k. with the decision we made. Maybe he came to terms with it while Darla was alive as he knew it had to be done. I kept wanting to find a "solution" to the problem and hoping against hope that we would find "something" else we could do for Darla. I wish I could have done more for her. She was a sweet girl, always wanting to get in your lap. She was a Jack Russel Terrier, but very very mellow, not hyper at all. She just always wanted to be with you or I should say on you! When I'm up to it I will post more about how both Darla and Rascal came into my life. By the way, Rascal seems well. He is eating, but not quite his normal eating habits yet. Thanks again for listening. Also, the poem is awesome I love it, it is so true.

Marianne, I too am a person that dwells on things that upset me. Your mantra might just help me. I will keep it in mind when I start feeling sad again. Thank you.
Sarah

[labblab]

Also, the poem is awesome I love it, it is so true.

Sarah
Bettina, I totally agree with Sarah -- your poem IS awesome!! Thanks so much for sharing it with us!

Marianne

[haf549]

Sarah:

I am so sorry for your loss. Making that big decision is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. I stayed with my last dog right through the whole procedure and found it very peaceful (and yes... very sad). When I first got the news that my precious Sasha had cancer, I asked the vet how I would know what to let her go. His reply was right on the money.... 'You'll know when the time comes'. Enought said. Don't try and second guess yourself. You knew the time had come. You did everything you could for your precious baby and you performed the final act of kindness for her. You stayed with her throughout the final procedure and that in itself is one of the hardest things to do.

You did the right thing, at the right time.

Heidi & Kira

[lleigh]

Dear Sarah,

Your pain is shared by so many here; mine included. I so totally relate to the guilt over a decision you had to make and the pain of loss you now bear. That pain is a huge testament to the love you shared with Darla. It wouldn't hurt so much if we didn't love them. What lucky girls you were!

I lost my little love nine months ago and still cry when I think about her. My tears, however, although still a sign that I miss her terribly, are also washing and healing. I always throw a kiss in the air and say, "I love you girl!" I imagine her greeting the newcomers at the bridge and I can see her now showing Darla around.

Hang in there. Stay with the folks here especially when you are feeling blue. They have been a tremendous support for so many of us.

Lyn

[sarahbera1]

Let me start by telling you a little more about Darla. We found her at the local pound (the same pound we found Rascal only 6 months or so before). There were lots of people ahead of us that wanted to adopt her. They picked us though because we had adopted Rascal there. My husband says we picked her out for his parents, but his dad didn't want her. I say we picked her for us. :D They say she was about 1 year old, although the vet said she was a little older. Her name was Jill and she lived with an elderly woman. She was a lap dog from the 1st time we saw her. I think this was due to the fact that she lived with an elderly woman. Darla was never hyper. She was very mellow for a Jack Russel. Needless to say the both of them got along great! They kept each other company (even through the bad things). I can remember when Rascal escaped from our electric fence, he would sit at the border and his collar would beep and beep and the batteries would run low, then he would cross it. Well, Darla would follow, although she would get zapped. We had many phone calls from our neighbors that they had our dogs, ha ha. One day (Dec. 2001 )Rascal escaped again, but out the fence (we got a fence after we figured the electric fence didn't work). Darla, again, followed him. They both went into traffic and Rascal was hit and dragged by a car. They both came running back to the house, Rascal was hurt really really bad and Darla not a scratch on her. Rascal almost lost his leg, only lost 1 toe. And yes he still tries to escape. We moved to Florida for 2 years and the dogs did great. We moved back to RI 3 years ago. Darla was diagnosed in 2008. Rascal was diagnosed earlier this year. I tried everything I could with Darla and she didn't respond well to the treatment. They both had adrenal tumors, what are the odds? Rascal's was in his left adrenal gland, he had surgery and is off all meds and is great!!!!! Darla on the other hand....well we tried different treatment, Lysodren and an ablation procedure. They didn't work. She was getting so big, bloating belly, panting all the time. She was so uncomfortable I couldn't bare the thought of her going through any more treatment. It just wasn't fair. I know she is in a better place, not in pain and now playing with all the other Cushpups that have crossed over. She truly was a great dog, all she wanted to do was be with you, really with you...I mean on your lap!! :) I miss her every day, but time heals best and the wound isn't as deep now, yet still there. Thanks for listening. It was nice to be able to share a little bit of Darla and Rascal with you all. I have to say you all were and still are great. I couldn't have made it through all of this without you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Sarah, Rascal and Darla in Spirit

[labblab]

Oh Sarah, thank you so much for telling us more about Darla and Rascal :) :). Now I feel as though I really "know" them both, and I can picture their lives with you. What lucky pups to have come home with you! I'm glad to know from your earlier posts that Rascal seems to be adjusting OK. Given how close the two of them were, it wouldn't have been surprising for him to have had a tough time. With as much as you have going on right now (I just saw your post on "Everything Else" about your diabetic kitty :(), it is a blessing that Rascal has settled into this new phase of his life. As for you, it is easy to see why you miss your Darla girl so much. When they are ALWAYS right there beside you, or in your lap, the hole is enormous when they are physically lost to you. I am relieved to know that the wound is not quite as raw. But I know you will never stop missing her. We never do. Especially this time of year with all the holidays. Just like with people, I think we miss our furbabies even more at these special times. Because of all the memories...

Again, thanks so much for sharing these stories. And I will look forward to reading more whenever you feel like writing!

As always, big (((hugs))),
Marianne

[Squirt's Mom]

Hi Sarah,

Thank you for sharing more about your life with your sweet Darla. It is a joy to be able to "see" her in her usual environment, tho I can well imagine the emptiness your lap feels. :(

I think it was Robert Frost who wrote about us in one of his poems - "us" being true animal lovers. The poem talks about people like us who let an animal into our lives knowing there are very good odds we are going to out-live them. We open our hearts and homes to these little souls and they become part of our souls forever and ever. We take the pain of loss that we know is coming in exchange for a love and companionship that cannot be compared, that is beyond worth.

Darla has made her spot in your soul and there she will remain until you can be together once again. In time, that spot will not hold so much pain but rather good memories and when you reach for that special spot, a gentle warmth will reach back.

Hugs to you, Rascal and Tigger,
Leslie and the girls

[mytil]

Hi Sarah,

Thank you for sharing your story with us - truly heartwarming. I then went to your album and looked at all your photos of them - it made me sad, but it also made me smile because I think our lives are so much better when we are touched by such angels.

My continued (((((hugs)))))
Terry

[Casey's Mom]

Sarah, thank you for sharing , what a sweet dog Darla was and you must miss her terribly, and Rascal must miss her as well . . . you do have wonderful memories but I know they will not take the place of your pup on your lap.

Hugs,

[bkdice]

Sarah - Thanks for sharing more about your sweet Darla (and Rascal!).

[Roxee's Dad]

Thank you Sarah,
I do love reading the stories of our pups lives, being loved and being cared for. Darla is indeed a very special angel.

Rascal.... sounds like he was named appropriately. :)