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In Loving Memory "We hold them in our arms as long as we can, then we hold them in our hearts forever."

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Old 04-23-2013, 04:12 PM
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Default There's only one Fella

Fella,
I know you would hate to see Mommy so upset.I think that's why your heart stopped just as I was heading up the hill to the hospital to see you.I was right there my baby,just down the hall,a few doors away.I hope loving hands held you as you took your last breath.I hope you knew your mommy was there.It hurts so much my boy not to have you here with us.

I'm so glad we had our special time last week,just you and I.We saw the pretty mountains and lakes,we went to the beach,sat in the gardens,and after that acupunture,you slept like a baby the whole ride home.I never knew that would be our last week together,

I don't know what happened Fella.I just know I miss you terribly.Mommy can't believe you're gone.You were loved SO much!!I feel like you felt betrayed by me when you woke up from that surgery.I beg you my little Fella,give mommy a sign that you understood,that you knew why I did it,that you died feeling loved by me.I loved you every second of everyday of your life.That surgery was supposed to heal you.I chose it BECAUSE I love you,but yet I lost you.I'm so hurt and confused.I always knew you knew just how much you meant to me,until NOW.I love you my little boy.
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Old 04-24-2013, 02:12 PM
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Default Re: There's only one Fella

Oh Fella honey,I'm going to try really hard not to block you.I'm going to close my eyes tonight and try to feel your love instead of torturing myself.You did an amazing job of showing me that things weren't right.I couldn't shake the feeling that during our last week together,you were telling me goodbye.I dragged you to that surgery and you didn't want to go.It was the only day you didn't jump up to go out and pee.So many things make more sense now.You knew that day would be your last here.You wanted me to know that.While the doctors thought you looked "better" postop,I couldn't shake that horrible feeling that your were sicker than what they thought.You're right,I did GET it,I just wasn't fully aware of it at the time.The effort it took for you to lift up your little head,to look at me,to let me know you knew I was there....well,it was beautiful and showed just how much we loved one another.We had the chance to say goodbye.I love you more than life itself and I miss you so much.Of all the wonderful things you've given me,you knew I was alone.How amazing that your illness led me to this site and because of that,I've never felt alone since you left.Its really because of you that I have a lifeline of love and support.That's one of the last gifts you gave me and I'm so grateful.Grace and I are going on vacation this wknd to begin healing and I hope we see you there!!!!I love you my little boy.
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Old 04-25-2013, 05:15 PM
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Default Re: There's only one Fella

Hi Fella
Thinking about you all day today. I wish I could hold you one more time.Can't believe it's been a week already.You were so brave during that surgery and you did so well!I'm so proud of you.I planted the yellow tulips today.We had a great Easter together and every spring,when I see those tulips,I'll think of you.I'm sorry I'm so sad today baby.I did take one of your pictures and put it out in the living room so mommy can see you.So many tears today for you my lil boy.Tomorrow Grace and I are going on an adventure.Gracie is very sad and misses you...are you giving her balls?.I love you Fella and miss you terribly.Love you always X0X0X0X0X0X0
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Old 04-26-2013, 07:58 AM
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Default Re: There's only one Fella

Good morning Fella!
I listened to you and try not to think of "the end" so much but it has been one week today since I lost you.My heart aches today and I dread every Friday to come.I imagine you with lots of friends and endless good things to eat.Remember when mommy would say "do you want something good to eat?"-I loved the expression on your face when I said those words to you!!.You just knew the good stuff was coming!-Gracie said thanks because she polished off the rest of the stew I made you last week.I hope I see you soon,just a little sign Fella to let mommy know you're happy.Did Tia find you yet?Her mommy hates Fridays too!Know its alot to ask,but maybe you two could give us a sign one of these Fridays just to let us know you're close??Would really love that.We are packing up for our adventure today.So glad you could be a part of so many of our trips-won't feel the same without you this time.Keep Buster company though as we can't take him with us.I love you my little boy and miss you more every day!!Give Kelsey kisses for mommy.
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Old 04-30-2013, 01:58 PM
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Default Re: There's only one Fella

Hi my boy
I really miss you.I promised myself I would sleep upstairs last night,but I just couldn't do it without you being there.I can't stop crying my little Fella.I miss you so much.I just want to see your sweet face again and hold you.Gracie and I had a nice time together in the mountains.You never left my thoughts and I even had a dream about you up there!!I woke up happy for the first time.I got the bill from the vet last night when we came home.It was so hard to read it and know what you went through while there.Mommy didn't know they were taking out your spleen.I understood it that they were taking out a spot on your spleen,not the whole thing!I'm so sorry my little guy!!I keep wondering if it was just too much for you and I feel so responsible for not being a good mommy!I must have misunderstood him honey.I feel like it's my fault that you're gone.I feel so cold and alone and wish you were beside me.I'm sick to my stomach thinking that they took your spleen out.I asked so many questions and thought I was being so careful,and now I feel like horrible for what I put you through!I emailed the doctor to answer my questions,as I have so many now and can't help but feel that had they just did the adrenal removal,that you would be here with mommy,Gracie and Buster.Had they been clear that they were taking out the entire spleen,I would asked so many more questions,I really would have honey.I loved you so much,I would never have done anything to hurt you or add more risks to this surgery.I'm so sorry my little Fella.I hope one day I can forgive myself.I love you so much and miss you so much it hurts.Kisses always my llittle boy.
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Old 04-30-2013, 06:30 PM
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Default Re: There's only one Fella

Hi my boy
I just recieved your ashes in the mail!!I would have much rathered picked them up and carried you gently to my car.How impersonal!!It's hard to imagine that less than 2 wks ago you were playing and rolling in the grass.If only we could go back to that time-you seemed so happy even though you were sick honey.The first thing I'm going to do is to find a special box to put you in.You were a free spirit and I need to unscrew that box and set you free.I will place you with Kelsey since you loved her so much.I still remember how you would just put your paws up against hers,just so that you could touch her.I know that you are together again at last.I love you Fella-I made Grace "something good to eat"...I miss your lil face when I would say those words to you!I placed you in the living room since you loved being with all of us and that's where we spend our most time as you know.You'll always be a part of our family.You must have read Buster the riot act when we were gone-he now sits beside me on the couch in your spot!Mommy misses you so much XOXOXO
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Old 05-01-2013, 09:11 PM
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Default Re: There's only one Fella

Hi baby
You'll be happy to know that I didn't cry today!All day I just thought about how cute you are and how you would always make me laugh!Gracie loved the beach today and found 2 more balls!Thanks!!.I love you and miss you so much.

I'm going to find a beautiful music box for you.Mommy is still very annoyed that you arrived via UPS!.But,I'm so glad you're back home where you belong honey!Gracie and Buster miss their little brother too.I laughed about you today.Sally said that she wondered if when dogs looked in the mirror,were they able to see their own image?Like,would Gracie see a golden retriever and know that it looked like her?We laughed because I told her that when you looked in the mirror,all 20lbs of you-you saw a growling 80lb pitbull!!.I loved that fiesty side of you!!I just read that chihuahuas were in the top 10 watchdogs!And you are proof of that my dear.I actually am a little scared here at night without my little 20lb protector.Gracie and Buster snooze thru the night but you would sleep with one eye open,always on alert and ready for anything!!I loved that about you!!-you would take on a lion if you had to-I love you my baby and so grateful for this "happy" day remembering all the things I loved about you!!.Love you my sweet baby boy.
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Old 05-02-2013, 08:58 AM
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Default Re: There's only one Fella

Good morning
Had to ask you a favor today.After losing you,I'm so scared of losing Gracie too.Mommy needs Gracie and Buster more than ever now.Please keep her safe and here with me for a very long time.
I still remember the day after we lost Kelsey.You came up to me and just stared at me.It was like I looked deep into your big brown eyes for the first time.You understood.Your eyes just looked deep into my soul and we both knew at that moment,we would be there for one another always.

Now,Gracie and I are here for each other.Gracie is missing you as I am.Please keep her in my life for a very long time.We really need each other,now more than ever!We all miss you so much-I made Gracie a special meal last night and knew you would have loved mommy making "something good to eat"..I can still see your little face cocked to one side when you heard those words.I see little dogs everywhere these days on the beach and it always makes me think about what I would always say to you"there's only one Fella"!...I miss you so much honey.I hope you're not terrorizing all the big doggies where you are..I'll write to you later but woke up today and missed seeing your little face beside me and beginning my day with saying "good morning Fella"...how we loved that!!Love you my little boy
PS-Grace is loving those balls!.
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Old 05-02-2013, 05:30 PM
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Default Re: There's only one Fella

We miss you so much Fella.You are the best boy in the whole world.I love you my baby and it's so hard without you here.Kisses and hugs to you from mom,Gracie and Buster.
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Old 05-03-2013, 08:09 AM
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Default Re: There's only one Fella

Fella
I thought of you last night as it was 2 wks ago last night that mom came up to visit you after your surgery.What a brave boy you are!The effort it took to lift your sweet head,twice,just to let me know you heard me whispering how much I loved you.I had no idea that was goodbye my sweet boy!My heart crushes when I think of that moment.But I'm so grateful that I came to see you that night.I initially was going to let you rest and see you in the morning.But I just needed you to know I was there-I didn't want you to wake up and feel alone.I felt so violated for you when I discovered they had removed your spleen!I'm so sorry mommy misunderstoood.I would have asked a thousand questions to make sure it was the right thing to do honey.

I wish I could hold you and kiss your little face all over-you loved mommy's kisses!I try to think of funny stories to share about you but all that comes to mind is that you were mommys boy.I think it's just too painful for me to open up that way right now.All I can think about is you and snuggling with you.I can't seem to make it up the stairs honey.Gracie and Buster are so good-they love it upstairs but now both sleep together on the loveseat.I hope I have the courage to sleep in the bed without you soon.I just can't stand the thought of not holding your little leg as we fell asleep and not looking to my right the moment I opened my eyes and seeing you beside me.What a great little boy you are!!Gracie really enjoyed her meal last night,you would have loved it!

Today is 2 wks since you have been gone.My heart is broken.I miss and love you so much my little one.I know you are loving your girl Kelsey right now.It's a comfort to know you are together.Miss you all the time honey.Love you my little Fella!!!!!
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