Canine Cushing's Information and Support Forums  

Go Back   Canine Cushing's Information and Support Forums > In Loving Memory

In Loving Memory "We hold them in our arms as long as we can, then we hold them in our hearts forever."

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 09-24-2016, 11:04 PM
LittleArfinAnnie's Avatar
LittleArfinAnnie LittleArfinAnnie is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 41
Default Re: Goodbye, My Little Heart

Quote:
Originally Posted by Joan2517 View Post
Ten years....It is such a long time...Lena has only been gone for 7 months and I can't believe I have made it to this point...how on earth can I last another 9 years without her??

We became seniors together; I became a grandmother and she became an "aunt"; we moved from the house she came to us in to a new one; my father, her "pop"; she lost her big sister, five cat brothers; and a parakeet....such a long time.

As you, what wouldn't I give for another 10 years...even if it meant such heartache. We love them to pieces and then we have to let them go. It's not fair....

But I think it gives us more time to give our hearts to the other ones that need us NOW. That's how I want to think of it.

I loved Lena with all my heart and I miss her every second of every day, but I couldn't turn away any other if they needed me...just call me a sap....
Joan, you're no sap, my dear . . .
You just love animals as much as I do !
Yes, ten years IS a long time, isn't it . . . Those years seem to have disappeared in the blink of an eye.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 09-24-2016, 11:26 PM
apollo6's Avatar
apollo6 apollo6 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Diego, Ca
Posts: 2,104
Default Re: Goodbye, My Little Heart

Dear Catherine,
There is no easy way to go through this grief easily They are our family, our babies. Anne has been there through a lot with you . People say cruel things. No she was not just a dog, she was your family, your friend, companion, love. So why would you not feel this bad. When you have taken care to help our fur babies, tried everything to help it is even harder. Your whole focus is on them. Then suddenly it all stops. You don't realize how overwhelming it was at times. It is like all of a sudden you are hit with a ton of bricks. Your body is finally letting go and obsorbing what you went through trying to save her . There will be flashbacks, overwhelming tears, beautiful memories, sadness ,loss. It is called grief. When you have loved so hard, gotten that love back many times,why would you not feel this way. Let it out. Be kind to yourself. We will support, love you through this. You are not alone.
Sonja, Apollo
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 09-25-2016, 07:58 AM
Joan2517's Avatar
Joan2517 Joan2517 is online now
Forum Host
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Glen Cove, NY
Posts: 940
Default Re: Goodbye, My Little Heart

I am still in "panic mode"; I still get anxious when I am away from the house where all my memories of Lena are; everything I do that we used to do together brings on tears that I can't stop; any time any of the other fur babies have any kind of illness, I panic and start thinking they are going to die.

When my father died, I didn't feel this kind of grief. Sometimes I'll be driving and I can feel the anger and grief take hold and I find myself gripping the steering wheel so hard that I just want to rip if off. There are days where I can't concentrate on anything because my mind is full of Lena.

So, Catherine, you are not alone and I've wondered sometimes if this is normal and maybe I need some help, but not yet. If she was a child, no one would question why I can't get over it...but she WAS my child, she WAS my baby and I am going to grieve for her as long as I need to.

So, I keep it to myself; I cry when I'm alone; and I come here where it's perfectly normal to feel this way and let my feelings out.

My heart goes out to you...
__________________
Joan, mom to my Angel Lena, Doree, Gable, Cooper, Angel Phoenix and now Sibble.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 09-25-2016, 08:06 AM
Allison's Avatar
Allison Allison is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 184
Default Re: Goodbye, My Little Heart

Catherine, hugs.

I'm sorry for your loss of Annie. Yes, in the space of ten years, so much in our lives can happen. Marriage, moves, jobs.... And yet ten years is like a blink of the eye. It feels like just yesterday. When we want it to be forever.

Grief is a beast and I don't think there's a way to predict its impact. There have been losses which caused me tears and sadness but otherwise were as one might expect. There were also ones which caused me such pain that I couldn't hear or sleep, until I willed myself to do those things.

The last three pets I've lost all needed a great deal of medical care in the final weeks or months with me. My body was physically wiped from this but, yes, I did feel hyper vigilant too. I found that just like grief will tamper off, so will the hyper vigilance. If one has other pets, I've also found that just like there will always be some sadness for what we've lost, there will always be a more keen sense of being aware of how much one needs to do to keep them well.

Loss DOES leave one with a different reality. That's why I appreciate so much the support of communities like these. You're not alone in this and ones will help you through the dark road ahead. And eventually there will be smiles and hope again. Give yourself time and take care of yourself. You've lost a precious friend.
__________________
Allison and Angel Gizmo
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 09-25-2016, 08:45 AM
LittleArfinAnnie's Avatar
LittleArfinAnnie LittleArfinAnnie is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 41
Default Re: Goodbye, My Little Heart

Good Morning, everyone . . .
Just thought I'd take a moment here to share an invaluable resource that I stumbled upon during one of my many recent sleepless nights.
If you go to www.petsatpeace.ca and scroll halfway down that home page, you'll see the title "365 Days of Healing".

When you sign up with your e-mail address ( which I did right away ), you'll receive daily reflections and "lessons" ( sort of . . . more like points to ponder ) delivered directly to your Inbox every morning.

I have begun to archive them so that I can refer back to the ones I've received ( so far ) when I'm feeling especially distraught and hopeless. ( like at 3:00 in the morning . . . sheesh . . . )

I suspect that this service was originally intended for people who have lost human loved ones, but a loss is a loss. And every loss is experienced at 100 %.

One thing that I forgot to mention . . .

Would you believe that I'm a trained and certified grief counsellor ?

I know, right ?

The irony isn't lost on me either.

The phrase "Physician, heal thyself" leaps to mind !

I'm trying to remember everything that I was taught about grief but I've come to realize that grief recovery is not an intellectual exercise.
This is soul work, plain and simple. ( and perhaps not so simple )

This morning's e-mail ( from the above source ) has set me the task of exquisite self-care today.

Doesn't that have a lovely ring to it ?

Exquisite . . . wow . . .

So I decided to take that seriously by sitting quietly with my first cup of coffee. I asked myself, "Okay, Catherine . . . What do you really want to do today ?"

And I waited . . .

Predictably, my "To-Do" list popped up front and center.

Get the groceries . . . ( I did that yesterday. Check. )

Do the laundry. ( Already done. Check. )

Clean the house. ( Seriously ? Is that the best you can do ? Besides, that takes energy which is at an all-time low right now. NEXT . . . )

Plan some simple, healthy meals for today. Oh yes, and actually MAKE them . . . and eat what you can. ( Perfect. Refer back to "Get the groceries". Check. )

REST. ( How can I rest with dust balls colonizing all over the place ? )

REST. ( How can I rest with last week's mail waiting to be opened ? )

REST. ( Alright, already . . . I'll try to rest. But what am I supposed to DO while I'm resting ? Just stare at the ceiling ? )

REST. ( Perhaps I'll try to relax into the pages of a good book. )

As soon as that thought occurred to me, all of the other so-called "priorities" faded to black.

That's it !

I'm going to spend the DAY reading. ( I'm a HUGE reader. )

That feels pretty darned exquisite to me.

On this quiet, Sunday morning, may God bless us everyone.

We were committed, loving stewards of the precious little souls that were entrusted to our care.

We gave them a wonderful life . . . and we need to try to remember that we can take pride in that.

Yes, our hearts are hurting. And they will likely continue to hurt for a very long time, too.

But we have honoured our Sacred Contract with the Creator who sent those beloved spirits to us to love and nurture.

When we first cradled that tiny, squirming puppy, we knew that they were only "on loan".

The time would inevitably come when we would have to give them back. That was the Agreement.

After all, they really were a little bit of heaven on earth, weren't they ?

I always KNEW there had to be a reason that "God" spelled backwards was "DOG".

Love to you all . . . and thank you again for your gracious words of support.

We are not alone.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 09-25-2016, 09:13 AM
LittleArfinAnnie's Avatar
LittleArfinAnnie LittleArfinAnnie is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 41
Default Re: Goodbye, My Little Heart

Quote:
Originally Posted by Joan2517 View Post
I am still in "panic mode"; I still get anxious when I am away from the house where all my memories of Lena are; everything I do that we used to do together brings on tears that I can't stop; any time any of the other fur babies have any kind of illness, I panic and start thinking they are going to die.

When my father died, I didn't feel this kind of grief. Sometimes I'll be driving and I can feel the anger and grief take hold and I find myself gripping the steering wheel so hard that I just want to rip if off. There are days where I can't concentrate on anything because my mind is full of Lena.

So, Catherine, you are not alone and I've wondered sometimes if this is normal and maybe I need some help, but not yet. If she was a child, no one would question why I can't get over it...but she WAS my child, she WAS my baby and I am going to grieve for her as long as I need to.

So, I keep it to myself; I cry when I'm alone; and I come here where it's perfectly normal to feel this way and let my feelings out.

My heart goes out to you...
Good Morning, Joan . . .
Your description of being in "panic mode" REALLY resonated with me, hon. Thank you so much for being so honest.

Yesterday, when I was out grocery shopping ( felt like I was wearing my nerves on my skin ! ), I found myself rushing through the aisles in much the same way that I did when Annie was beginning to decline. She had begun to be very anxious whenever it was necessary to leave her alone . . . even for a brief time.

I caught myself and tried to keep remembering that the old "rules" no longer applied. But it had no effect. I just wanted to get back HOME as soon as possible, dust balls and all. ( I'm considering naming them ! )

After riding the Cushing's roller coaster for over two years with my little heart, it's going to take a long time to get my equilibrium back, I suspect.

I can remember taking an Alaskan cruise many years ago. After several days at sea, the ship docked and I got off to explore that port-of-call. Would you believe that I staggered around on dry land like I'd had too much to drink ? I believe that phenomenon is called "sea legs" . . . and I wasn't alone then, either.

This has a very similar feel to it.

Annie and I were knocked around from pillar to post ( think of a gale at sea ) virtually ricocheting off walls sometimes . . . Our "weather forecasts" were phoned in to us by our vet . . . with those oh, so crucial numbers that we were waiting for.

The truth of the matter is that I'm actually in calm "seas" now. Crystal clear blue skies . . . with a soft breeze and unlimited visibility, too.

The question "Now what ?" keeps popping into my mind.

Do I choose to remain "becalmed" in the doldrums ? Or do I take advantage of that gentle breeze to set my sails for a new horizon ?

Today I'd have to say that I just don't know.

I'm still on "red alert" for the next storm !

It's going to take time, I guess.

Thank you again, Joan, and warmest wishes . . .
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 09-26-2016, 10:23 PM
molly muffin's Avatar
molly muffin molly muffin is offline
Administrator
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 15,318
Default Re: Goodbye, My Little Heart

I am so sorry to hear that Annie passed. I completely understand as the reason I haven't been online very much is because i lost my molly too.
I understand the panic mode very well. At first I had panic attacks (which I don't have normally) just entering the house, to the point where I didn't want to be in the house without her at all. With that horrible silence that rings so loudly.
I still come home from work right away because that is when molly would be waiting for me I was probably better at not coming home at a very specific time when she was alive than I am with her gone.
It's not always the big things that get to us so much as as the cumulative little things. The walks, the feeding, treat time, wake up time, go to bed time. It all just adds up to one big hole that shouldn't be there.
10 years is a lot of time yet it is not enough time at all in relation to our own lives.
I agree, the grief over the loss of our furbabies seems to be so intense and consuming. I think it is because it is like the loss of a child. A dog, or cat, pet, relies on us for everything in their lives and well being. We are here and spend each day making sure that They are okay. That hole is larger to fill and feels bigger than other losses.
__________________
Sharlene and the late great diva - Molly muffin (always missed and never forgotten)
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 09-27-2016, 02:12 PM
LittleArfinAnnie's Avatar
LittleArfinAnnie LittleArfinAnnie is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 41
Default Re: Goodbye, My Little Heart

Ah, Sharlene . . . I'm so sorry that you've lost your beloved companion, too.

I understand that silence, let me tell you. Who knew that silence could ROAR ?

One thing that I'm really having to do battle with in the aftermath of this profound loss is my inclination to just want to be alone.

Everything seems to require SO much energy, doesn't it ?

Case in point : I've been invited out for a belated birthday dinner this evening with friends and, as this afternoon wears on, I'm feeling less and less interested.

Oh, they all know that Annie died four weeks ago . . . I think they're just trying to help me pull my head out of my a**.

But the mere thought of having to sit and "feign" interest in ongoing conversations while putting on a composed facade for the world to see is really bugging me this afternoon.

I'm an introvert by temperament anyway . . . we do our battery-charging in solitude. And, MAN, do my batteries ever need charging.

So I'm stuck on the horns of a dilemma at the moment.

Do I risk offending my friends by politely requesting a postponement ? ( like for, say, five years from now ? lol ) That's what my aching heart is telling me to do.

Or do I expend the effort required to "pull myself together" ( I'm retired, by the way ) so that I'm ready when they stop by to pick me up?

I'll let you know.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 09-29-2016, 01:10 PM
apollo6's Avatar
apollo6 apollo6 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Diego, Ca
Posts: 2,104
Default Re: Goodbye, My Little Heart

When you are in grief and loss the last thing you want to do is put on a happy face and listen to people reminding you of what you have lost. Only you can decide. When Apollo died I pulled away for awhile so I could grieve in my own way. It was just to exhausting to engage with people and act like everything was okay because it wasn't and people are uncomfortable with your grief and try to fix it,when there is nothing to fix. It is up to you.
Love Sonja and Apollo
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 09-30-2016, 04:07 AM
tank&kat's Avatar
tank&kat tank&kat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Mandeville, La
Posts: 129
Default Re: Goodbye, My Little Heart

Hi Catherine,

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my boy Friday night. I just turned 30 and he was with me for 16 of those years. It is never enough time no matter how long they are with us. I would give anything to see his sweet face again. The intensity of your pain right now is nothing to be concerned about.

That eighteen-wheeler you mentioned, hit me head on last night. I have never lost anyone close to me before so I was not expecting it at all. In fact, the last 5 days, I thought I might actually do ok with this grieving thing. Wrong. It was so profound that I fell where I was standing and had the most severe stomach pain I had ever had in my life. I couldn't stop crying which brought on the worst headache of my life. During those few hours, I thought I was going to die twice from the pain. All I remember thinking before this happened was that it was real and I was never going to see my boy again.

What I am getting at, is your response to losing Annie is normal because it is unique to you. I still question at times whether or not I am dealing with this in a healthy way. I just remind myself that I am still breathing, I am not harmed and the day before, I was able to get out of bed and be productive.

I kind of hope you didn't go to that birthday dinner. As in introvert myself, I spend 90% of my time alone. It's strange because I want to be alone more than ever but feel scared to be alone at the same time. I am curious to know how that night went for you. If you have pictures of Annie, I would love to see her. I understand it is too hard to look at pictures. I can't Sometimes but other times I stare into his eyes and can almost feel he is with me.

If you ever need to talk, feel free to message me. Even at 3 am when you are at your worst. That is my daytime so I am always up.

~Kat

Last edited by tank&kat; 09-30-2016 at 07:13 AM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 08:10 AM.


Disclaimer -- The content on this site is provided for informational and educational purposes only. While we make every effort to present information that is accurate and reliable, the views expressed here are not meant to be a substitute for the advice provided by a licensed veterinarian. Please consult with your veterinarian for specific advice concerning the medical condition or treatment of your pet and before administering any medication or pursuing any course of treatment that you may read about on this site.

The views and opinions expressed by contributors to this forum are strictly their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and views of the owners, administrators, or moderators of this forum and the k9cushings.com website.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.