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In Loving Memory "We hold them in our arms as long as we can, then we hold them in our hearts forever."

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  #21  
Old 05-21-2013, 01:07 AM
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Default Re: There's only one Fella

Oh I love the little Fella cheesecake story and yes, I agree with Kathy- that's quite a sign for you. Your posts to Fella are so sweet and heartfelt. How hard it is to lose such a loving little companion.
Barbara
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  #22  
Old 05-22-2013, 11:52 AM
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Default Re: There's only one Fella

Hi my little one
I miss you so much-yesterday was the first day it has really rained since you've been gone.I grabbed the towel and as always,said "towel" and it just tore at my heart not to see you there,waiting patiently for your little towel rub.It's the routines that are no longer the same that really just get me.Grace,Buster and I watched TV in bed and I just kept looking at the spot beside me and wishing with all my heart that I could lean down and kiss you like always.

I don't think you can top the "little fella" cheesecake sign,but I really need a sign from you since I have a dilemna that is tearing at my heart and causing some confusion and guilt.Mommy did a stupid thing the other day.Ever since I lost you,I look at little doggies looking for homes online.My intention is never really to adopt them but somehow I find looking at them comforting,maybe they just represent a new beginning,a new life,happiness..I don't know!Anyhow,I saw a little doggie that looked just like you!!It's you but with freckles all over(which btw,many would think they were unattractive,but it made mommy think they were even more adorable!)The resemblance was startling because everyone would always guess what you were...a mix of chihuahua,papillon,pomeranian,love bug?...all I know is that we never saw anyone that looked like you and that's why I used to say"there's only one Fella".And of course,that IS true but boy did this little one look like you!!Well,I just kept going back to look at him-they described him as a cuddler,a lover-just like you!!Oh Fella,I love him already but I know it's for all the wrong reasons.As you know,I got Grace WEEKS after losing Kelsey-I never thought I would do that.I remember sitting in my car crying,wondering if because I just needed another golden baby to love,if I was betraying Kelsey,or if by getting another so soon meant I didn't love or miss her so much.She loved the snow and I sat in the car and begged her to give me a sign it was okay.And I swear,about 10minutes later,a big gust of snow squalls began swirling around and lasted for a few minutes!!!!!!I just know it was her telling me she wanted me to pass all that love I had in my heart to another and it was just what I needed to feel it was okay.For some reason,I feel more hurt and betrayal when it comes to getting another after losing you.I think it's because I feel I was "robbed" and that you were "taken' from mommy.I find very little peace with how I lost you and that's the big difference.I feel heartache,anger,confusion and shock when I think about how I lost you.My head screams"this wasn't supposed to happen!!!!!!!!!"."I had this surgery because I didn't want you to die!!!!!!

So,back to the other doggie.His name is "Romeo".I got a little more curious and sent an email and found out more about him.He was found roaming the streets in georgia and animal control picked him up.A nice foster mom picked him up and she is fostering him at her doggie day care facility called canine clubhouse.I looked up on FB and saw even more pics of him-boy,he could be your twin!(of course,minus the freckles!).She told me he is 2yrs old and gets along great with all the other dogs and cats too.I'm sitting here so hurt and confused.A part of me knows that Kelsey and Buster and mommy need another little boy to love.All that love we had for one another is just sitting inside my heart,waiting until I have the courage to take all of it and pour it into another.I do think that's a way of keeping your love alive-by giving a part of it to another.I'm afraid however,that it may seem that I'm "replacing" you,getting another so quickly.It will never ever take away the love I have for you or the pain of losing you.I am consumed with those two thoughts everyday.I'm afraid that by getting another it somehow doesn't reflect how much I loved you,that I could get another so quickly,as if life goes on so easily for me!That is so far from the truth little one and I hope you know that.Even if I had another,I will still miss you everyday of my life.I don't want "life to go on",I just want you back my baby boy!!Mommy is grieving so deeply and so hurt I just don't know WHAT to do!!I can't help but feel if I got another so soon,it would like you didn't matter all that much to me.You were my world and really nothing ELSE mattered,as long as you,Grace and Buster were a part of my life.What do I do my little one?
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  #23  
Old 05-23-2013, 12:37 AM
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Default Re: There's only one Fella

Hi sweet boy
Gracie and I took a snooze and now are up late and wide awake!Still haven't heard from the doctor and now I am getting more worried that the results will make me feel worse,if that's even possible.

I do remind myself of the remarkable connection that we had however.I still think about how suddenly I was flooded with impending doom thoughts about you.Still don't know where they came from.I remember looking at you and thinking "why am I feeling this way?".I NEVER worried about you my little one!You did something to give me a heads up-I'll never know what it was,but it's truly telling of the powerful connection we shared.Those thoughts hurt me and confused me,but in hindsight,how amazing was it that we were able to share that!Its because of that whole experience with you,that I would find it almost impossible to believe that your spleen would come back negative.That's NOT what you were telling me and I have 100% faith in our amazing connection-it was mental telepathy of a sort.What an amazing boy you are!.I always end up sobbing when I write to you.Not having you here is here is heartbreaking.I still smell all your things and so wish I could just see your sweet face and hold you.I love you my little Fella boy.Kisses to you and Kelsey.XOXO
.
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  #24  
Old 05-23-2013, 12:58 PM
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Default Re: There's only one Fella

Fella
It's so hard to go on without you.I just found pictures of you and it broke my heart.Life will never be the same without you in it.:You were so little and cute in the pictures-I've just been sitting here sobbing all day long Fella.I will never feel any peace in the manner that you died.Mommy was supposed to be with you.I was supposed to hold you and kiss you goodbye YEARS from now.There is such little joy most days without you in them.I love you so much and miss you more!!!!!!!!So many memories my boy-you were the best boy in the world and loved so much.Just wanted to tell you that my baby.
Love and kisses XOXOXO
Mom and Grace and Buster
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  #25  
Old 05-23-2013, 10:35 PM
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Default Re: There's only one Fella

Patty, So sorry a wonderful love story ended this way for you and Fella. Something of the same sort happened to me, I made a bad treatment choice that made Scarlett feel worse for two months. She definitely did not want to go into the emergency clinic that night, I should have been more intuitive and listened to her. Just when she was feeling good again, another disease took her away. Losing two months is always bad, much more so when time is short. I have felt very guilty most days since April 12, but looking back I was faced with a tough decision (juggling multiple symptoms, caused by diagnosed and at the time undiagnosed diseases) and though I know I was wrong, it always seems easier in hindsight. Possibly any path we choose will eventually lead us to err as we are only human, and dealing with multiple health issues for years is by no means easy; one can easily forget all the right choices we made under pressure. The vets make mistakes even with all their schooling and experience that we don't have the advantage of. I know our companions would not want us to let the love we shared be pushed to the background in our memories by guilt. Fella will always love you, and I hope you feel his continued presence in your life as you make great memories with Romeo.
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  #26  
Old 05-24-2013, 04:44 PM
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Default Re: There's only one Fella

let the feelings out. And try to copy your posts so you can read later.
Hugs Sonja and Angel Apollo
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  #27  
Old 05-24-2013, 06:25 PM
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Default Re: There's only one Fella

Patty,
Yes, Keep letting those feelings out.

Sending big hugs and lots of love!

Kathy and Buddy
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They are never really ours. They are on loan for a very short time. Make the time to love and play everyday. Create memories to last forever.
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  #28  
Old 05-25-2013, 08:22 AM
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Default Re: There's only one Fella

Fella,
I just wanted to quickly say hi and tell you I love you.I still haven' heard from the doctor and those awful feelings creep up and I start thinking they did something wrong to my boy.MY mommy decided to visit and stay over with me for the wknd.You and Grace love her!Grace was whimpering when she came in and jumped on her and smothered her face and ears with kisses!.The house just isn't the same without you my little one.We both miss you here but I'm glad I have company today since my mom will keep me busy and I won't sit here and think about why this has happened to you.I read about so many poor little ones who have had your surgery and are now home with their mommies!.One minute I think I'll be at peace with NOT hearing from him and then I panic and feel sick and start to think-WHAT DID THEY DO TO YOU????I sobbed myself to sleep thinking about that my little one.The only thing that consoles me is the faith I have in the ways you showed me you were sick.Sometimes I think that maybe I picked up the signs wrong-you know momma,always second guessing!.BUT,if I find out they made a mistake and you're not here because of that mistake,not only will I never forgive myself,but I will fantasize about taking my hands and wrapping them around that surgeons throat for the rest of my life...I love you my little boy-I have to tell you about another little boy named Romeo but I will leave that for later.I think you would love him my little Fella..

Maybe tomorrow I'll feel differently,but first I need to hear from that doctor so I can find peace with everything that has happened.I will talk to you about it and then I will tell you all about this little one.Maybe you already know?Maybe you sent him to mommy?.I would love that my little one!:They say he is a lover boy which so many say was NOT you-they only know your tough side.They don't know that your was all for show.You being a loverboy was you and mommy's secret!.

I love you my little boy!!
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  #29  
Old 05-27-2013, 10:17 AM
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Default Re: There's only one Fella

Oh Fella
I'm so sorry little one!As time goes on,the pain only gets worse.I go over and over all the things I did to keep you safe.I never let you off the leash.On our many road trips,I always made sure I put your lead on through the open window before opening the door to prevent you from jumping out unleashed.I always read up on what was the best food for you.I brushed you all the time.I waited and waited till I found the perfect vacation spot that allowed doggies so that you could always be with mom.I put stairs leading to the bed just in case it was too high of a jump for you.I always watched out for coyotes and other wild ones before I took you out.I did EVERYTHING to make sure you were safe!!I never thought of losing you but I guess if I gave it any thought at all,I would wonder if I would have to take you to a vet or if mom would find that you had passed on at home.THOSE WERE THE ONLY 2 OPTIONS.

I go over and over what happened to you.I should have waited little one.I should have found a better place to take you.I should have gave it more thought.I should have taken my chances with the blood clot and just waited.I just threw you so carelessly to strangers.I should have asked about the spleen when they called.I'm convinced they made a horrible mistake and you suffered as a result.I go to sleep thinking about seeing you in so much pain and seeing the blood on your belly.I never should have taken you there!!

I spent my whole life keeping you safe.You were supposed to die in my arms,listening to me tell you how much mommy loves you as you took your last breath.Your last thought should have been of the incredible love we shared.Instead,I just shipped you off to strangers and died without me,with tubes and breathing machines and suffered till they ended your misery.How could I spend my whole life keeping you safe and end up losing you that way?THAT doesn't at all reflect how important you were to me and how much I loved you!!!I'm so sorry my little one-I loved you more than life itself and my life is empty without you.I HATE thinking you died and may have questioned my love for you.I deeply regret not waiting but I DO love you very much-you were my world.I'm sorry-can you forgive me?
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  #30  
Old 05-30-2013, 11:48 PM
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Default Re: There's only one Fella

Fella
Just want to say I miss you so much!!I love you and miss you more each day-oh how I wish you were here with us.

Do I push the doctor for an answer Fella?Or do I just have faith in the way you were able to communicate your sickness to me?I still sit in utter amazement when I think about how the heck you were able to convey to me that you were very sick long before any symptoms.Even then I couldn't fig out WHY I was suddenly assaulted with feelings of losing you.Don't know what the heck you did but you're amazing because I DID "get it" but chalked it up to being negative back then.That still mystifies me,how you were able to do that.I couldn't shake the feeling that you were saying goodbye to me.It's only in hindsight that I can see it so much clearly.The whole week leading up to the surgery,I was taking you everywhere,doing all the "last" times with you,taking pictures and videos of you.It was so much more than fear,it's as if my gut had a mind of it's own and just knew this was it,even though I wasn't even aware of it at the time.Sounds crazy but so true my boy,as I know you know..I say all this because I'm not sure that I need a biopsy to "prove" what you tried so hard to show me.I read you loud and clear,but it was only in your death,that I was able to fully understand.I did "get it"-still don't know what you did to get inside my mind the way that you did.So,I keep asking myself-why would you try so hard to show me things if that biopsy were negative?It just doesn't make sense to me.You conveyed those feelings for a reason and it's so telling of the deep spiritual connection we shared.I have to find closure Fella but I don't know how.

Now I have to tell you about a little boy named Romeo.I saw a picture of him online and I was immediately drawn to him because he looked so much like you but with freckles!.Oh Fella,his fur,his tail,even his ears are just like yours!I loved him the minute I saw him!He was found roaming the streets,lost and alone,just like you were that day.And he is the same age as you were when I found you.They say he is a loverboy and they named him Romeo.Remember when you used to act tough and I would say"Fella,you're a lover,not a fighter?"And you would stop doing your "aggghh" and start kissing me?.Well,anyway,I think "Romeo" sounds like a fitting name for him.I'm adopting him in honor of you.I miss the amazing love we shared and I want to keep that love alive by loving another little boy that needs it right now.Just like you did when I found you!.I know you will understand,as I know you would love to see mom happy and another little one loved.My love for him will begin with my little Fella's love and I know that you would make you proud and happy.

I'm sobbing AGAIN my boy!I just wish you were here.I pray for closure Fella.I need to understand how and why I lost you.Some days are better than others but its so painful to be without you and to think about how you died.I'm sorry I look at your picture and cry.I always loved looking at your little face and it always put a smile on my face.It hurts me so much to know looking at you makes me cry.I'm sorry for that my boy.I hope one day it makes me smile again.I love you so much.Let me know you're close-I need you so much right now.Love you my little boy.XOXOXO
Mommy
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