clinical symptoms combined with ACTH results - Sammi is now in heaven

[molly muffin]

The first day back, I hyperventilated and had panic attacks at coming into the house. The second day I didn't want to be in the house at all, so sat outside all day until my hubby came home from work. (I had taken time off)

The panic attacks continued for awhile. If I was in the house, I'd cry, my hubby would cry and if i cried, I would end up hyperventilating again. I just couldn't get past that my Molly wasn't with me any more.

It is so easy to become lost in the grief. The heart just feels like it can't handle the weight of the pain. Eventually I think the thing that helped the most was getting out and doing. Getting away from the house for longer periods of time, doing things that I hadn't done for a ong time because I never wanted to be far from molly when she needed our care.

I don't think I thought about how much my life evolved around molly and her needs. I came home from work at mid day to make sure she wasn't on her own for too long. I scheduled days off to make sure that she made all her appointments at the specialists. I took her for BP checks after work. I formed relationships with our independent store owner to make sure she got the best foods and the ones she could tolerate the best and that relationship made sure that they always had her food in stock and her photo on the wall. I plastered out flyers on cushings disease at pet stores, and talked to anyone directed my way who had a dog with cushings. Cushings became my life I think. Helping others with dogs with cushings and diagnosis became my mission. The friendships I formed because of molly and cushings, I think will last a life time. It was though, all consuming.

Now I'm branching out more. Traveling with girlfriends, with my hubby, just doing things. That doesn't mean I don't miss molly every day, I do. Her picture is my screensaver on my phone and her picture is prominently displayed on my desk in a frame. Her ashes have a place in our fireplace room and her sheepskin rug sits in her window seat.

I don't know if this helps you at all, but we all have similar stories on here. It isn't easy for sure and that first year was probably one of my worst, but somehow we figure out what we need to do to move forward, while holding the memories close to our hearts. I know that you and Adam will also find our way and that it will be unique for you two.

[spdd]

"and then said "enough about me", my heart sank because I DO want to hear. It helps in my grieving process to know that anyone has had these same feelings and what those feelings were. Even if it's blowing up at the mean girl behind the register because she set you off, or being angry at the world, or crying on the side of the road. Whatever it is it just really helps to hear those stories so please... NOT enough about you, I would love to hear more because it makes me/Adam feel like we're not alone."

Your circumstances and mine are a little different and possibly if I had someone near me I may have coped better, however it has been a rollercoaster to say the least. I don't want to alarm you in anyway, again I was alone, but after over 2 years past since Keesh dying, I ended up going for grief counselling. There were other factors that I needed grief help with but the biggest was the loss of my buddy I had for over 15 years. and it was the most horrific loss I ever lived through. I am just now dealing well I would say without him and reservedly looking forward to another dog this spring or summer. Some of us have talked about feeling guilty, and in my case it is true. I told my sister that I was grieving far worse for "mah boy" then I did for my parents. That is a terrible thing to have to admit to myself, but I chalked it up to knowing that our furbabies rely on us so much for everything, and the loss of not having to do anymore, can be life altering never mind the constant companionship, love, laughter and antics they provided us with daily that are so suddenly gone. I also feel guilty at times as my cousin has been an absolute pillar of strength for me long distance, and it was her that arranged for the service dog to come, and yet this same woman lost her daughter at 6 years old. I then think knowing what a special person she is, that I have absolutely no right to feel this way... and yet we do... and she understands. I hope with all my heart that in time and a much shorter time then myself you can function relatively normally. It will do no good to say this to you now... cause it didn't for me at the time, but you will get through this with all the love and support we here can provide. Take each day at a time, and vent, cry, complain or just ramble here if you want. We understand, we know, we've been there. Just remember, it will get better, honestly it will.

[Harley PoMMom]

My avatar is my sweet boy, Harley, he received his angel wings going on 7 years, I still miss him so very much and I know I always will. But at least now when I look at him the happy memories we shared are replacing so many of those sad ones. It is heart wrenching to lose ones furbaby and the most fundamental truth of grief is this: we grieve for them deeply because we love them deeply.

I was rocked with some many different emotions, I was so angry at the whole world and at myself, blaming myself, going through of those could of, should of, would of scenarios. It took me a while to come to terms with myself, the one thing that did get me through of those ands, ifs, or buts, was that I knew I loved that precious boy with all my heart and soul and that he knew that too. So please, please be kind to yourself, let yourself grieve for however long it takes as there is no set grieving time, it takes as long as it takes, and don't ever let any one tell you otherwise.

Holding you and Adam in my thoughts and prayers (((HUGS)))

[sammisam]

Wow...

Reading all of this helps so much!

The past few days are just a blur. I finally left the house yesterday and although it did help a little bit, I found myself thinking, this is the first time I'm driving, working, and when I go home, Sammi won't be there.

We received a call tonight saying that they will be delivering Sammi's ashes tomorrow. Adam lost it. I usually feel better knowing her ashes will be home but I just don't wan't to accept that I can't hold her and kiss her and see how excited she gets when it's time to eat. I'm trying to replace any memories of last week with memories of happy times. It's not easy as you know.

We've been able to talk (a LITTLE bit more) about when Sammi was little and Adam went to pick her up in Alabama and how easy Sammi always was. I think Adam and I try to be strong for each other when the other one is having a difficult time. I've been through this before with kitty 28 years ago when I was single and had to call the pet loss hotline every night. We still may do something like that because it really helped a lot.

I know we'll get through but it's just so tough not having Sammi physically here anymore. I really do believe in "signs" and I try not to "make" or look for them instead of just letting things happen.

When I went to work for a little bit yesterday, as I was getting things out of my car I felt something rubbing on my legs. I looked down and there was this little cat (in between a kitten and grown cat) rubbing back and forth on my legs. I tried to pet it and it would walk away and then come back. This kitty looked like Veronica, my beautiful little baby we lost 5 years ago.

Another girl was walking to her car to get something and we started talking. I was telling her I hate that people just let their animals roam the street and I don't even know if this was someone's cat or not and she said to me that it's taken weeks/months for this cat to come up to anyone, and it's been hanging around this parking lot at the nursing home for a long time. I said I want to take it and get it adopted. She then said to me, this was her plan and she's taking the cat for herself.

As she was telling me that, she pulls out this ziplock full of dry food and sneaks over to the bushes and pours it down for the cat. She's been doing this for a few weeks now. I guess she'd get in trouble for keeping stray cats in the work parking lot and that's why she hiding what she was doing. I'm not sure why she hasn't taken the cat already but when I introduced myself I saw her name tag and her name was "Sam".

It didn't hit me until later that here was this stray cat that had been scared of people for a while, rubbing on my feet and legs, looked like Veronica, and then the girl came out at that moment I was getting out of my car and her name was Sam. It made me feel good.

I want so bad to believe that Sammi's spirit is with us in the house or will come back to us if we ever got another one. I keep reminding myself that this was EXACTLY what happened with Sammi 12 years ago when Darla passed away. Adam and I truly believe that Sammi was Darla's spirit so why can't that happen again.

What else bring us joy is this little comedian, Taylor! I've never seen anyone work so hard to make a bed for himself! We still haven't moved the bed out of the living room so Taylor digs so hard and so fast he actually pulls the contour sheet and mattress pad off of the bed. We joke that we're going to get him a job removing bed linens at the Marriott as a bed stripper. He also takes his and Sammi's beds and digs and pulls and drags smaller beds into bigger beds. It's the cutest thing I've ever seen.

Well hopefully I'll be able to get SOME sleep tonight.

Thank you all for being here!

[labblab]

Awww, what a sweet story about the kitty! I’m so glad it’s going to find a new home. And I can just picture Taylor working away on his beds — he sounds like such a cute little guy! Tracey, thanks so much for continuing to update us. I think about you guys every time I log in on the forum, and I check to see if you’ve been here. So I was so glad to find your note this morning.

I definitely can endorse the idea of finding a chat line or a support group. When my Cushpup died, this forum kind of became my private chat line, because I came here so often to write. But being able to talk back-and-forth with somebody in person can be a real help, too. You may already know about groups or hot lines in your area, but here’s a link to a resource thread here that might also give you some additional options.

http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/show...You-re-Hurting

Also, we have access to a candle lighting website where any of us can go at any time to light a candle for our babies. I still go there often to light candles for my Barkis (my Cushpup) who died many years ago, or for my Peg (my nonCushpup) who died a year and a half ago. It gives me comfort to be able to write a little note to them as often as I wish.

http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/show...-at-The-Bridge

I’ll be thinking of you as Sammi’s ashes are returned to you and Adam. I know how bittersweet that has been for me. Both a comfort and a hurt all rolled into one. Hang in there, Tracey.

Sending huge hugs on this day when your girl comes back home again.
Marianne

[Joan2517]

I truly believe in signs. I've had so many from Lena since she died. Sometimes I look for them and other times they are just there. The first one was seeing her in the clouds. I was driving to work on the parkway and there was this one cloud formation that I couldn't keep my eyes off of and I couldn't figure out why. All of a sudden the wind moved it and there she was, looking at me. I couldn't stop the car and as I got on the ramp to get off, the horizon changed and she was gone. I was completely shocked. From then on, I always watch the clouds. Sometimes license plates will call to me and it will say something that lets me know it's her...birthdates or things like, Angel (which is what I always called her), Joefixit (my father), reading books and all of a sudden a new character has her name, and sometimes when I am at my lowest missing her, a song will come on the radio that we used to dance to.

I skyped with an animal medium about six months after she died and she said some things that she couldn't possibly know unless it was coming from Lee.

I don't believe they ever really leave us. They are always in our hearts and minds...

[molly muffin]

Thinking of you today as Sammi comes home.

I remember that was a very hard day for me. One one hand happy to know she was back with us, but still just hard.

That is very sweet about the kitty. Glad it is going to have a home finally and I hope that she (Sam) take it home soon.

[Budsters Mom]

Thinking of you all!

[sammisam]

Hello everyone. It's been hard to come back here but I think of everyone all of the time. I have a friend that I've been telling about this site and they're trying to register but the "captcha" doesn't seem to be working. If someone can respond back so they can register. Thank you so much!!!!! Tracey

[labblab]

Tracey, it’s so good to see you back here, although I surely understand why it feels hard to return. I’ve been in contact with your friend, and as soon as she writes back to me at our k9cushings gmailbox, I’ll be able to manually register her. So please tell her to check her email this morning, OK?

Please do return at any time, though, to let us know how you all are doing.

Big hugs heading your way,
Marianne